Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Great Line - full transcript

( theme music playing )

So you think you can
chug-a-lug, huh?

Uh-huh.

Okay, come on.

And he says, "If I could do it
in my living room,

I wouldn't have to do it
in the back of your cab."

( laughter )

Hey, Tony, this guy wants
to chug-a-lug against you.

Oh, yeah? What's the bet?

Fifty.

Fifty dollars?!



( murmuring )

Hey, we'll all chip in.

Come on, ante up,
you guys.
Ten each?

A pitcher of beer
and two mugs!

Okay, here's my ten.

Alex?

How do you feel, Tony?

Thirsty.

I'm in for ten.
That's good enough for me.

All right.
Here we go.

Okay, we got our bet.

There's my 50.

Excuse me, Alex.

Oh, sure.



So, they say after divorce
your life is empty

and here I am watching
a chug-a-lug contest.

Ready?

One... two... three...
start.

Any time, gentlemen.

Let's get out of here.

I don't want to be around
when he belches.

Oh, come on, let's
forget it-- I'm buying.

Same ol' rounds.
Okay.

What'll you have, John?

John?

Hmm?

What is it?

It's that girl.

ELAINE:
Which one?

You don't have to ask, do you?

No, I guess not.

The blonde.

No.

ELAINE:
The one with
the white blouse?

JOHN:
No.

ELAINE:
Oh, the other one.

See? You picked her out.

It's just that
I've never felt this way before.

I mean, this is the first time

a girl sitting
across from me in a bar

has gotten me all excited.

What do you think, Alex?

I don't think
you have to announce

everything that's
happening in your body.

You like her,
go over and talk to her.

Just like that?

Sure.

What would I say if I did?

Say hello.

No, I couldn't say that.

I mean

I never know what
to say to girls.

I don't know, I just can't seem
to get started.

Ah, just forget it.

Okay.

Okay, I'm going to do you
a big favor

and I hope you appreciate it.

What's the favor?

I'm going to give you
the perfect line.

Works every time, instantly

and with devastating results.

Here's what you do.

You walk up to her,
tap her on the shoulder,

and when she turns around,
you say: "Why waste time?

Let's get married."

I think that
should do it.

It's witty, it's entertaining,
and it's got "married" in it.

( all chuckling )

The line has everything.

Hey, you know,
I got a better one.

What?

You go up and you say:

"Let's cut the
preliminaries--

you want to get married?"

Hey, you know,
that is better.

Shorter anyway.

We just improved
on the wheel, man.

A good line
really helps a lot.

So?

Nah...

John, there's a time when you
either do it or you forget it.

You're absolutely right, Alex.

Let's forget it.

I can't forget it.

BOBBY:
Just do it.

ELAINE:
Just be sweet.

Real nice.

Get it right.

Just smooth. Smooth.

Yes?

Let's cut the preliminaries.

You want to get married?

Sure.

What?!

I was sitting over there and
I wanted to talk to you, and...

I think there's a couple
of places at the bar.

Do you want to take them?

I thought we
were getting married.

Oh, sure, but not right away.

I mean marriage is important.

It can't just be jumped into.

Oh, I agree; yes.

So, we'll get married
in an hour.

Oh, perfect.

Can I buy you that drink now?

Sure.

Author, author.

Preliminaries--
that's the word.

He said, "If I didn't
have to do it...

"If I could do it
in my living room,

I wouldn't have to do it in
the backseat of your cab."

( both laughing )

WOMAN:
I liked that, too.

( laughter continues )

Is it ever going
to happen for me...

or am I just going to spend
the rest of my life alone?

Alone... alone...

alone...

How did I get into this?
All I said was,

"I'm going for a beer.
Does anyone want to come?"

Alone.

When I came over,
did you get the feeling

something special
was gonna happen?

Yeah.
Me, too.

Wait-- before or
after you saw me?

Both, but more after.

Oh, me, too! Me, too.

That's so amazing.

Ah, Suzanne, is this the
best time you've ever had?

Absolutely.

You're not just
saying that, are you?

Or have you really
had a lousy life?

Oh, no.

No, I've had a great life.

And this is your best time?

Yeah.
Wow! Me, too.

Okay, I want you to take
your time with this next one,

'cause it's real
important to me.

Oh.

How do you stand
on bowling?

Feet together,
knees slightly bent.

I use a four...

She bowls.

She bowls!

So what do you
want to do first,

get married,
or go bowling?

Bowling first.

That way, if the
marriage doesn't work,

it won't screw up my game.

Well, so long,
you guys.

We're going to go
get married now.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh-- after bowling.
Good night.

Okay.
Yeah, yeah, good luck.

Good bowling.

We're going bowling?

No, we're not
going bowling.

Would you mind if I joined you
and had a drink?

No. Sit down.

Thank you.
Good night.

LOUIE:
Hey, Wheeler!

Hey, Wheeler,
come over here.

Do I have to?

Yeah.

We got a complaint...

that one of our drivers
got fresh with a passenger.

Was it you?

Of course not.
I don't do that kind of stuff.

Too bad.

I wanted to find out
who it was

so I can give him some tips
from the old expert.

You mean you used to get fresh
with the passengers

when you were a driver?

Only the women.

I used to pull over,
turn around, and ask them

if they'd like to come
to my place for drinks and sex.

Oh, yeah, the subtle approach.

Did it work?

Yeah.

I don't believe you, Louie.

Well, not every time.

Exactly how many times?

Once in 2,312 times.

Oh, hi, John.

Hey, John!
Look who's here.

What have you been doing
the past few days, John?

As if we didn't know.

Hey, stop it!
Come on!

You shouldn't be
doing this.

Why not?
'Cause I could
pulverize you.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I'm just kind of sensitive
about what happened.

BOBBY:
Well, what happened?

Remember that girl
I met in the bar?

BOBBY:
Yeah?
I married her.

You what?
Oh, my...!
What?!

How could
you do that?

How could you do
something like that?

John, that was
just a line.

You weren't
supposed to do it.

John, what's the
matter with you?

How could you do
a thing like that?

I don't know.

There we were,
bowling and joking

about whoever lost paid
for the marriage license.

The next thing I knew,

we were eloping to Maryland
in her best friend's Volvo.

John, how...
John, did you think?

Did you say to yourself,
"What am I doing?

This has to stop!"

Yeah. Unfortunately,
I didn't say it to her.

It was like
some game of chicken.

Each one of us thinking
the other would call it off.

I kept thinking she'd brake
any minute

as we drove through New York,
then through Lincoln Tunnel,

then to New Jersey...

John, do me a favor.

Don't say every landmark
from here to Maryland, okay?

It's all so weird!

It was so terrific
being with her

that we were in Maryland
before we knew it.

Yeah, them Volvos
are great.

Anyhow, this morning,
we applied for the
license and...

even bought
a couple of rings.

You know, still treating
the whole thing like a joke,

you know...

and then we had dinner

at this really neat
Maryland McDonalds.

The food's the same

but it's served by people
from Maryland.

Then we checked into this
really nice six-dollar

motel...

Hey, John, I hate
to be indelicate,

but, uh... did you?

Oh, no, no.

We were too excited
for that.

Anyhow, this morning,
we picked up the license,

and found the Justice
of the Peace--

even then, I still felt
we'd never go through with it.

When the Justice
of the Peace said,

"Do you take this man
to be your husband?"

I was sure that we'd both
laugh like crazy,

or she'd say no,
but she didn't.

She said, "I will if he will."

The Justice of the Peace
asked me

if I'd take her as my wife.

I said no!

But somehow it came out yes!

And just like that,
we were married.

I mean, married.

I mean, right away, we both knew

it was the biggest mistake
of our lives.

All the way back,
we only said three words.

She said, "Need gas?"

I said, "Yes."

When we got back to town,

I let her off at my apart--
our apartment...

and there she sits,

the woman Maryland
considers my wife.

I'm married!

I really am!

Alex, what am I
going to do?

I'm half crazy.

A conservative estimate.

Just relax.

I know it looks very bad
right now,

but somehow we're going
to figure out a way...

Oh, Burns...

you decided to grace us
with your presence.

Well, listen here--

the next time you don't show
up for work for two days,

you're fired.

Hey, hey, Louie,
the kid just got married.

Don't yell at him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

( sweetly ):
The next time you don't
show up for work for two days,

you're fired.

John, you got
to go home sometime.

I can't.
She's there.

Mrs. Me.

I don't want to be married,
Alex.

I don't know--

it sounds crazy, but in my mind,
it's all connected.

You get married, you have kids,
you grow old, and then you die.

Somehow, to me,

if you didn't get married,
you wouldn't die.

Hey, Fitz, how you doing?

Ellen... Rudy!

Hey, how you doin'?

Hey, Champ,
how's it going?

Fine.

You want to risk your title
against me?

How much?

Let's see here...

How about 20 bucks?

You're on.

All right.

Two beers, Rudy.

( panting )

Hey, Louie.

You still owe me money
on your tab.

Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.

Well, come by the garage this
week and I'll give you a tire.

Let's go.

All right, now...

I'll say, "one-two-three, go."

All right?

Sure.

One...

two...

three.

Hey, Rudy, did they find

the rest of that rat
that died in the beer keg?

Go.

The new champeen.

Better luck next time,
Champ.

Excuse me.

Is this the
wedding party?

Louie!

Louie, I never thought I'd say
this, but would you join us?

No, thank you.

John, the little woman
came by the garage tonight.

She left a letter for you.

Well, let's have it.

For a buck.

Hey, the post office
only charges 15 cents.

Yeah, and they're going broke.

Thank you.

Not bad-- I've been here
two minutes, had a beer,
and won $21.

Bye-bye.

Oh, by the way,
should I change your W-2 now,

or do you want to see
if you have kids by tonight?

We didn't
order drinks.

It's on the house.

You know, I got a "Dear John"
once.

Oh, that isn't what this is.

"Dear John..."

You want me to read the letter?

Would you?

"Dear John,

"I'm leaving you this letter
because I'm ashamed to face you.

"I hate to think
of what you think of a girl

"who runs off and
marries a total stranger.

"I don't know why

"I do crazy things

"but I do know you're too nice
a guy

"to be stuck
with an immature nut like me.

Naturally, we'll have
the marriage annulled..."

Oh.
Oh.

"Looking back, it seems
like some bizarre dream.

"Any minute,

"I kept expecting
you would wake me up

"but you didn't and I didn't.

"So we did.

"We sure did.

"Right away, I knew it was
a terrible mistake

"and I sensed you did, too.

"I've decided to move back
with my folks for awhile,

"try and get my head together.

"I hope what happened
wasn't too hard on you.

"I'm sure someday

"you'll meet someone
you really want to marry

"and whoever she is,
I envy her.

"Anyway, thanks
for a special weekend.

"I'll never forget it.

Or you."

And it's signed,
"Your future ex-wife, Suzanne."

It's a nice letter.

I read it nicely.

And now, it looks like
your problems are solved, kid.

Yeah.

You know, Alex,

that's the classiest letter
I ever heard.

Open, honest, sensitive.

Just like she is.

I got to get her back.

Help me get her back.

I never wanted anybody back
so bad in my life.

Why do I come here so often?

I almost never have a good time.

( buzzer sounds )

Yes?

Mr. Caruthers?

Yes.

We're the ones who phoned you.

On the phone.

I've been wondering
what that was all about.

Um, can we come in?

I guess so.

I think you'll have to open the
door a little more than that.

I'm sorry, but how do I know
I can trust you?

Come here.

Look at him.

Hi.

Okay.

Now, what's this
all about?

Mr. Caruthers,
my name is John Burns

and this is my friend,
Alex Rieger.

Alex will take over from here.

Oh, Mr. Caruthers, um,
has your daughter told you?

Told me about what?

I guess she hasn't told you.

If you tell me what it is
you want to know

whether or not she has told me

then I'll tell you
whether or not she has told me.

I can tell
she hasn't told you.

WOMAN:
Oh, Mark, I...

Oh, Lillian,

this is Mr. Burns.
Rieger.

And this is Mr. Rieger.
Burns.

This is my wife, Mrs...
Caruthers.

Yes.

How are you?

LILLIAN:
Won't you sit down?
Thank you.

They're friends of Suzanne.

Oh, yes, well,
Suzanne's in her room.

Oh, could you tell her that
I'm here and maybe I love her?

Sit down.

First, I want to know
what's going on.

Mr. Caruthers...

Mr. Caruthers, do you
like to hear things
with the lily gilded,

or straight
between the eyes?

Gilded.

You see, we've always tried
to instill in our daughter

the good grace to conceal
virtually everything from us.

She hasn't told
you anything?

Not since 1971.

Well, Mr. and
Mrs. Caruthers,

I think you better
brace yourself,

because what I have
to tell you...

Someone come in?

I heard the...

Oh, John.

Suzanne.

Hold it.

Sit down.

This man is about
to tell us something.

Well, go on, sir.
We're listening.

Oh, uh, yes, um...

You sure you don't
want it straight?

Absolutely.

Right.

Okay, now,
let's see, um...

( clears throat )

Well, how's this:
do you believe

in love at first sight?

I believe the notion
of love at first sight

is a debasement of every moral,
spiritual, and ethical value

that I and my family hold dear.

This is no snap.

Well, I have to give it
to you straight then.

This is what happened:

Three nights ago,
John met your daughter in a bar,

they fell in love,

and after looking at each other
countless times,

drove to Maryland
and got married.

You were in a bar?

Mark, don't you
understand?

Our daughter is married.

And this man
is our son.

But they're going
to get divorced.

Oh.

But John wants
to stay married.
Oh.

But your daughter
wants to get an annulment.

Is this fun for you?

Well, once you get into it.

No, listen...
look, now that we all know,

why don't we all just leave
them alone together,

so they could, uh...

Or we could stay
and stare at each other.

That's not such a bad idea.

I think I've spent too much time
ducking things like this.

Maybe the time has come
to forget my fears

and pay attention
to my daughter.

Yes, this is it.

The time has come
to stay with her

and face this
thing head-on.

Mr. Rieger?

Right.

Suzanne, when we were in
that motel room in Maryland...

Hup, that's it!

Let's go, Lillian.

Mr. Rieger.

Right.

Take your time, John.
Don't worry about me.

I'll be having fun
standing in the kitchenette

with Mr. and
Mrs. Caruthers.

You want to stay married?

I do.

I figured you'd never want
to see me again.

Oh... Look, Suzanne,
what happened

was just as much my
fault as it was yours.

You know, I think
that's what

brought us
both together.

We're both crazy.

I just think that,
for some reason,

we had the instinct
to be with each other.

Now, I know it
doesn't make sense,

'cause we hardly
know each other,

but right now, I'd
rather follow my instinct

and not make sense.

Suzanne, will you not
get annulled with me?

No.

Oh, that's terrific.

No! Wait a minute!

No what?

No, I won't get annulled.

I can't believe it.

She said, "no."

Oh, oh.

Oh, boy, you better be
as nice as you seem.

I am.

Hey, let's call
your folks.

Oh, Dad, Mom!

Alex!

What's wrong?

Mr. and Mrs. Caruthers,

I'd like your permission
to marry my wife.

Hey, man, you
got rid of her.

That's great.

No, we're staying married.

Congratulations,
she's a wonderful girl.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )