Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 5 - Come as You Aren't - full transcript

( theme music playing )

It's okay, I guess.

Why am I being modest?

I'm alone.

It's perfect.

Metropolitan Museum.

I bet you're wondering

how you got a cab
so fast in this rain.

Well, it's because I've been
sitting here admiring

this window display.

You see, I work
here part-time at
this art gallery.



Uh, excuse me,
if you don't mind,

I really don't
feel much like talking.

Just take me
to the Metropolitan, okay?

Oh, I wasn't talking,
I was just...

Hey!

I don't know how to make it
any clearer than that.

Please take me
to the Metropolitan.

Okay. You charmed me into it.

Where you going?

You said
the Metropolitan Museum.

I meant the one in New York.
Why didn't you stay on Madison?

It's shorter this way.
You said you were in a hurry.

You are taking a longer
route than you need to.

It's not any longer.
You know, wait a minute.



Are you accusing me
of jacking up the fare?

No. I'm accusing you of trying.

Unfortunately, I caught you.

Hey, look, Mister. I swear
I'm not trying to cheat you.

Now if you want, I can take you
back where I picked you up,

and we can start over
and I'll take a different route.

Thanks, but I've
seen Jersey.

Okay, out of the cab.

It's pouring rain out there.

The law says you have to take me
wherever I want to go.

There's no way
you can make me leave this cab.

Rape... rape... rape!

You may have a little trouble
getting that story to stick

when the police find out

I'm the National Secretary
for the Gay Liberation Force.

We'll be there
in a few minutes.

Next time be
a little more careful

who you try and rip off.

Look, Mister, I realize
we've had our differences

but you owe me $2.85.

Here's a dollar. I'm not paying
for the scenic route.

Hey, wait a minute, Mister!

Mister, you forgot
your briefcase.

Oh.

Hey, come back here!

He's faster than he looks.

Come on, come on.

Jacks or better.

All right, give me
something good.

Not if I can help it.

Oh, sweet heaven.

Did I tip my hand again?

Only to the trained eye.

Why do I do that
all the time?

Hi, guys.

Hey, Elaine.
What do you say?

I'm not sure.

I just had
a really bad fare today.

Hey, Bobby, she thinks
she had a bad fare.

What happened?

I had the QANTAS koala bear
get carsick in my cab.

And you don't want to know
what a koala bear does

when he gets carsick.

Hey, Alex, could I talk
to you for a moment?

Huh? Yeah, sure.

Deal me out.

I'll sit in for you.

What's wrong?

I feel really strange.

Why? What is it?

Well, you know that art gallery
where I work part-time?

And where they treat me like I
was some sort of receptionist?

Yeah. You mean the place where
you work as a receptionist.

Yeah. Well, they let me design

their new window display
for their new exhibit

and everybody loved what I did.

Now, it's just staring out
on Madison Avenue.

People are even
congratulating me.

No wonder you're down.

You realized
your lifelong ambition.

I know, but it just
doesn't seem like
my life, you know.

Things like this
never happen to me.

That's why I got a little crazy
and I pushed.

I invited them all to a party,
and they accepted.

Oh, hey, sounds
like you're on a roll.

Let me know how it turns out.

I was kind of hoping
that maybe you'd come.

See, I'd really like
to have one person there

that I don't care
about impressing.

How can I turn down
an invitation like that?

Yeah, and one more thing--
when you're at the party

can you remember that nobody
knows that I'm a cab driver?

See, if they knew I
drove a cab at night

they'd find it
a little unusual.

I can't afford
to be unusual yet.

So you actually lie
about your job?

I don't lie.
I fudge.

I'm kind of hoping that
maybe you won't tell them

that you're a cab
driver, either.

Oh, no.
I won't do that, Elaine.

Oh, come on...

Nope!

It's one little thing.

No, it's not
just one little thing.

Hey, sure it is.
Ask anybody.

Hey, guys, can you believe him?

He won't tell
one little lie for me.

The only guy I know that
never told a lie was my dad.

Come on. Never?

Nope. He once told me

"John, remember
your father's words.

"The liar's punishment is not
that he is not believed

but that he cannot believe
anyone else."

John, George Bernard Shaw
said that.

He did?

Your father was
George Bernard Shaw?

Alex, Can we talk

about this?

What do you want him
to lie about?

Maybe I can do it for you.

I'm throwing a party
Friday night.

Hey, it's a little short notice,
but I can make it.

Why are you having
a party on Friday night?

We're all going
to miss a lot of business.

Well, actually guys,
this is a party I'm throwing

for the people
at my art gallery.

Who cares, the more,
the merrier. Right?

They don't understand.

Oh, I get it.

We're not invited.

How come we can't go
to the party too?

'Cause we're
nobodies.

We're stupid, ignorant,
low-life cabbies.

Oh.

What do you think, Latka?

( speaking native tongue )

Latka, in English.

If they don't come,
I don't come.

I'm sorry.
They can't come.

All right,
then I come without them.

All right! All right!

You can come.

If it means
that much to you.

If it doesn't matter to you
that you screw me up

with my bosses or ruin
the one chance I have

to send my kids
to a decent school

then, by all means,
just come to my party.

What's the address?

Hey, you come
with me.

I know where it is.

Thank you very much.

Let's go get
something to eat,

and I'll tell you
about my outfit.

Hey, Elaine,
hey, don't worry about us.

Nobody's gonna know
we're taxicab drivers.

Come on. We'll cover it up.
All right?

Okay.

All right.

See you later, Alex.

Ahem!

You're in luck.

Looks like you got a chance to
nab Louie for your guest list.

Yeah, I might give your party
a tumble.

Perhaps some of those
art-world cuties

might want me to pose for them
au naturel.

Louie, you're not invited.

What do you mean?

I mean if you're even seen

in the vicinity
of my apartment Friday night

I'll have you arrested.

Oh, really not invited.

Okay. Who needs you?

Come on let's get this garage
back to normal!

Hey, Latka! You finish cleaning
that cab yet?

Phew!

Who drive a sick koala bear?

( doorbell ringing )

Alex?

Yeah.

( Sighs )

Hi.

Hi.

Did I get the wrong night?

No, this is the night.

Well, don't bother
to introduce me.

I'll just mingle.

How are you?

I played a little
trick on you, Alex.
Oh?

I told you the wrong time
so that you'd get here early.

Great trick. Why?

Well, see,
you're doing me a favor.

Now that you're here,
no one has to go through

the embarrassment
of arriving first.

You know how
uncomfortable
that can be.

I can only imagine.

Besides, I'm a little
insecure about this party

and I wanted someone

to tell me
how nice the place looks.

Well, you can start anytime.

Oh, yes.

It looks great.

No, it really does.

I like that.

Oh, and I like that.

And I really like this.

Thanks.

You know, this was hard.

I had to borrow some furniture

and move the kids' beds
upstairs.

I'm really knocking myself out
for this party.

But I think I'm going to be okay

as long as my cheese puffs
are a hit.

Oh...

Delicious.

Take it from a puff man.

So, is there anything
I've overlooked?

Oh, uh... persons.

They're coming. Anything else?

Something for persons to drink.

That's a little
bit of a problem.

You see, I used
a discount liquor store.

I don't want anyone
to see the labels.

They're kind
of off-brands.

Like what?

Ever heard of Betty's vodka?

Gentlemen never tell.

Can I make a suggestion?

Why don't you put the stuff
in a punch bowl

and add ginger ale
and juices.

Oh, that's a great idea.

There you go.

You know, I never
even thought about mixing.

Oh... I just hope I got
enough champagne.

How much did you get?

12 Cans.

Canned champagne?

I guess for those macho gourmets

who like to crush
something after a sip.

( doorbell ringing )

Oh, Alex, this is it!

Now, now,
just relax. Relax.

They're just people.

There's always the exception
to the rule.

Party time for Latka?

Not until you
take off those overalls.

Oh, this is good party.

No! No! Latka!

You've got to change
into nicer clothes.

Oh...

( speaking native tongue )

...in truck...

( speaking native tongue )

You think
it's all right

to have him here?

Are you kidding? He's my pick
for the life of the party.

Oh, Alex, are you sure
everything looks okay?

Elaine, believe me.
The apartment looks wonderful.

Now will you just relax.

Okay. Okay.

Hey, you know, you may not
believe this, but I've really

calmed down a lot
since you got here.

Yeah, I can see that.

Oh, um, but could I just ask you
one more little favor?

Yep.

If you tell these people
that you're a cab driver

they'll ask how you know me,
and you'll give everything away.

Elaine, is that the real reason
you got me over here early? Huh?

Oh, come on.
How could you do that?

How could you do
a thing like that?

Come on, Alex.
This is a cocktail party.

Oh, for crying out loud.

Why do you have to come on

so super-ethical anyway?

I am not ethical,
Elaine.

I am... chicken.

I don't lie for
the simple reason

I am afraid
of getting caught.

There's nothing
more embarrassing

than getting caught
in a lie.

Besides, if you don't lie

you don't have to try to
remember what you said.

Okay. Okay.

If it happens,
it happens.

All right. All right.

I'm not going to lie

but I won't say anything
if I'm not asked. Okay?

Okay. Thanks.

Mm-hmm.

( doorbell ringing )

Party overalls.

Now you're talking.

Neat.

Latka learn

party talk.

Yeah.

"What are you drinking?

"Aren't there a lot
of phonies here?

"Let's go to my place.

Was it good
for you?"

You've been teaching him.

Not me. I was going to ask
for a copy myself.

Looks like your
party's a hit, Elaine.

Yeah, so far, so good.

I'm a little worried
about the guys.

They don't seem
to be mingling.

Yeah, only
with each other.

Hey, it's your turn, Tony.
How did your parents meet?

It was in Italy...

Come on, you guys.

I want you to meet
some people.

That's okay,
we already have.

Yeah, I think we're
just going to shove off.

Ah, why?

Because, we don't fit in.

We're the kind of guys who
like to have fun.

Thanks a lot, Elaine.

Bye-bye.

Take it easy, Alex.

Great punch.

Bye.

Stop envying them.

Mrs. Hazeltine?

Oh. Thank you, Elaine.

These are delicious.

Thank you.

I love your paintings.

Really?

But I don't
recognize the artist.

As a matter of fact,
I live with the artist.

You what?

It's my daughter.

Oh.

Except the one

of the bunny rabbit.

That was done
by my ex-husband.

We've been talking
about the new exhibit

at the Museum of Modern Art.

Have you seen it?

Oh, yes, I have. Twice.

Did you like
the Magritte drawings?

Oh. Um...

would you excuse me
for a moment?

There's something I've
got to take care of.

All right.

Alex... one of the biggest art
dealers in New York

just asked my opinion
of an exhibit.

Oh, terrific.

Give it.

Oh.

Thank you very much.

Going to go now.

Well, I'm glad
you could come, Latka.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

Eh, aren't there
a lot of phonies here?

Let's go to my place.

For you.

Come on. Come on.

It must be the way he says it.

Boy, this champagne
is terrific, huh?

I wonder what kind it is.

Del Monte.

My name is Paul.

I write for Art News.

Oh, I'm Alex.

What do you do, Alex?

Oh, this and that.

Sounds interesting.

This and that what?

I, uh...

sort of free-lance.

Oh, you're a free-lance painter.

No.

Alex.

Okay, Elaine, you win.

I put out oil fires.

I beg your pardon?

When an oil well
catches on fire

they call me in to put it out.

Sounds dangerous.

Yeah, well, I only get
the easy ones.

You see, the main thing that got
me into this line of work...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Just reflex.

You see, uh...

Actually, the thing that
pulled me

into being
an oil-fire putter-outer

is that it never gets boring.

Nope. All holocausts
may look alike

but each one has
a personality all its own.

If you'll excuse me, I'd like to
freshen my drink for a moment,

I'll be right back.

Thanks, Alex.

I know that wasn't
easy for you.

Easier than I thought.

It's just your luck for
this party I watched

Search for Adventure.

I've never been the life of a
party before like this.

I sort of like fudging.

Do you really fight fires?

Oh, yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

What is the biggest
fire you ever put out?

Well, actually, I had
12 wells go up at one time.

I'm Rita.

I'm Alex.

Aren't there a lot
of phonies here?

I know.

Do you mind if I say
something candid?

If it's about the champagne,
I had nothing to do with it.

I find you very attractive.

I appreciate your candor.

I don't usually say
things like that to guys.

I hope you don't mind.

Well, I'll forgive you
if you'll forgive

the cheer I'm about
to deafen you with.

Have dinner with me
after the party.

At least.

A brief dinner.

( doorbell ringing )

Alex...
that guy is the same guy

I had the fight with in front of
the gallery the other night.

Really? That's nice.

In my cab.

Elaine, please.

He must be a friend
of Mrs. Hazeltine's.

Oh, no. No.

Elaine, I'd like you

to meet my very dear friend,
James Broderick.

How do you do?

We've met.

We have?

Haven't we?

I'm sorry, I
don't place you.

Oh.

My mistake.

Well, I'm so glad
that you've come.

Would you help yourself
to some refreshments?

Thank you.

He didn't recognize me.

That's terrific.

He looked right
into my face

and there was
no sign of recognition.

He didn't know me.
He didn't know me?

Elaine, what
are you doing?

I'll never
forget him. Never.

I mean, we really had a fight.

I can't believe
he looked through me like that.

I was nothing to him,
just a faceless cab driver.

Elaine, please.

He needs a reminder.

Elaine, now, a lot of people
aren't happy

unless they screw things up
that are really going well.

Now, this is a very nice party.

I mean, these people are
very important to you.

I'm even trying to enjoy myself.

Elaine, why don't you
just forget it, hmm?

Elaine. Take a deep breath.

Take a deeper one.

That's my girl.

Thanks.

So you don't
remember me, huh?!

Sure, I do.

I just met you
30 seconds ago.

I picked you up in my taxi

four nights ago
on Madison Avenue.

She's a taxi driver.

And you accused me
of trying

to cheat you on a fare.

That was you?

That was me.

How can you yell into a face
for 15 minutes

and then forget the face you
yelled into?

Do you really mean it?

You're a cab driver?

Yes, I am.

I was right.

I find that rather
hard to believe.

Well, I am.

Alex and I are
both cab drivers.

What do you do
for a living?

Excuse me.

Alex?

Don't talk
to me, Elaine.

You're going to stay here
till we're friends again.

Then we'll both
grow old together.

Well, if it means
anything to you

I just want you to know

that I will always be grateful
that you taught me

to simply tell the truth.
Elaine.

I only wish the truth
worked for you too.

I'm not going
to talk to you about it.

At least yell at me.

That will make
you feel better.

You're not going
to talk about it.

Nope. I'm just
going to sit here

and drink your champagne.

What I don't
understand is--

what's the big deal
about it?

I'll tell you what's the big
deal about it.

A man waits all his life
for a woman like that.

What's so great about her?

What's so great about her?

She's the kind of woman
only firefighters get.

She just walks up to you

looks you straight
in the eye and says--

"Do you mind
if I say something candid?

"I find you
very attractive.

"I don't usually
say things like that.

I hope you don't mind."

It sounded better
when she said it.

It sounded like
once in a lifetime

when she said it.

It sounded terrible
when she stopped saying it.

You know, I have a feeling

you're gonna hear
from her again.

Yeah, I could sort of tell
from the way she acted
towards the end.

She called me garbage.

There you go.

Hey, you know how women
feel about garbage.

Always wondering if what

you've thrown out was important

so you start digging through it
until you find it again.

Elaine, don't try to make me
feel better, okay?

Let's just go back
to my sitting here

and you looking at me...
feeling awful.

She spit on my shoes.

What I really feel bad about

is how great everything
turned out for me...

people admiring the way
I hold down two jobs

to support my family.

They're saying how great I am,
you know

and how terrific
and open and honest I am

for telling people
I'm a cab driver.

Even that fare turned out
to be a great guy

forcing that tip on me?

This is going
to pay for the party.

I'm leaving.

Alex, please forgive me.

I can't believe
you won't forgive me.

I'll die if you don't
forgive me.

Oh, Alex.

You're maybe my best friend.

I forgive you.

You mean it?

I don't know with
those wild stories

you're telling,
you know?

Yes, I mean it.

From now on, I'm going
to have to go back

to telling the truth,
only the truth.

Thank you for inviting me
to your party, Elaine.

I had a wonderful time.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )