Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bobby's Acting Career - full transcript

( theme music playing )

MAN:
Yo! Cab!

Taxi!

Where to?

51st street, please.

Oh, right.

Do you mind the dog
being in the cab, do you?

No. He doesn't mind me
being in it, does he?

Don't worry about him.

He's very well trained.

He just got out
of obedience school.



I take him everywhere with me.

I just won him in a poker game
a few weeks back.

It's a beautiful dog, isn't he?

Yeah, he sure is beautiful.

Name is Hamlet.

You can probably guess
why I call him Hamlet.

Grew up in a small town?

No. Because he's
a Great Dane.

You know, Hamlet,
the Dane in the play.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Very intelligent dog, too.

Watch, I'll show you.

Speak, Hamlet. Speak.

Come on, Hamlet, speak.



Come on, Hamlet, speak.

"O, what a rogue
and peasant slave am I!"

Come on, Hamlet, speak,
you stupid dog.

Come on, speak!

That's okay. If he thinks
of something to say later on

he can call me.

Uh, it's a buck 65.

There you go.

Ah, that's all right.

Thank you.

You know, he really is
a very smart dog.

I don't know
what's wrong with him today.

Hold out your hand,
he'll give you his paw.

Uh, no, I don't
think I better.

No, no, no.
Come on, hold out your hand,

he'll give you his paw.

Give him your paw, Ham.

I said paw, not floor.

Ah, that's okay.

No, it isn't okay.

Get up from there,
you stupid dog.

Come on,
get up from there!
Hey, that's o...

Hey, mister, what
are you doing?

Get up from there.
Well, he's got to learn.
Hey, what are...

Get up from there.

( dog whimpers )
Hey, don't hit the dog.

You-- It's my dog.
I'll hit him if I want to.

Get up from there
you stupid dog.
Come on, it's my cab.

Don't hit the dog
in my cab.
I said, get up from there!

Hey, mister, you hear
what I said?
When I tell you to get up

Will you cut it out?
get up from there.

Hey, mister, will you
cut that out?
Get up from there,

you stupid dog.
Hey, give me that.
Give me that.

What...?
Get out of my cab.

Go on. Get out of here.

All right.
Come on, Hamlet.

Hamlet, come out here!

Come...!

Hey, you got
my dog in there!
( barking )

( tires screeching )

( brakes screeching )

Hi. It's Bobby Wheeler.

Any messages?

Well, a-are you sure?

Yeah, okay, well,
just check again, all right?

O-okay. Now, listen.
I'm down at the garage.

If anybody calls,
you give them the number.

All right.

Hey, what are you doing, man?

Let me go, Tony.
I got to hit something.

Hey, what are you crazy?

I can see you're upset,
but, uh, don't hit that.

You could really hurt yourself.

Yeah, well,
I don't care, man,

'cause I got to hit something.

All right,
all right. Here.

Hit me. Here,
in the stomach.
Go ahead.

I can't do that.

Come on, don't worry about it.
I'm hard as a rock.

I do 200 sit-ups a day.

I go to the gym, guys
hit me all the time.

It's part of my training.
Go ahead. Go ahead.

You're sure now, right?

Go ahead. Hard as
you can. Go ahead.

Oh, Tony!
I'm sorry.

Are you okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine.

Hey, listen, if it makes you
feel any better,

I feel great.

Great.
Anytime I can help.

I'm really sorry.
I'm really sorry, Tony.

Hey, hey, John?

John, don't use
that phone, okay?

John, I said
don't use that phone!

LOUIE:
Hey, Bob.

Is it all right if
John uses the toilet?

Just lay off, Louie, okay?

I got a lot of things
on my mind.

Hi, boys.

Hi, Alex.

Hi.

Hey, listen, um, could
you do me a favor?

Yeah?
I'm expecting a call
any minute, you know.

And could you wait with me?

'Cause I don't want to
be alone when I get it.

Yeah, sure.
What kind of phone call?

Well, you see...

LATKA:
Alex. Yo.

I find...
I find in your cab.

Yeah, I know.

Oh, my gosh.
Look at him.

Wow. Where'd you find him?

I took him away from
some guy in my cab.

He was whipping him
with his leash.

Hey, you shouldn't do that, boy.
You could hurt somebody.

ALEX:
Not him.

Hey, Alex...

He's so gorgeous.

What's his name?

Alex, you see,
this phone call...

His name is Hamlet.

Are you going to him?

Well, I guess so.

Till I can find
a better home for him.

Hey, Latka, will you do me a
favor and get Hamlet some water?

Come on.
Oh, I'm sorry, Bobby.

Uh, you were telling me
about this phone call.

Yeah, it...
Hey, so what's doing here?

Are we getting
breakfast or what?

Hey, what's this phone call
you're waiting for?

It's about an acting job.

Oh...

Yeah, I'm up for the lead

in an off-broadway play.

That's something.
All right!

Yeah, but the thing is

it's down between me
and two other guys

and they said they'd let me know
this morning. So...

Stuff like that's
always happening to you.

This is special?

Yeah. See, that's why I wanted
to talk to you, Alex.

I've got this whole
thing like, I...

All right, all right.
Everybody sit down.

I'll tell you

See, when I first came
to New York...

Where did you
come from, Bobby?

The Bronx.

I made this deal with myself.

I mean, I knew how
there were thousands

of starving actors here

and how it's a rotten life
and how very few make it

and how you can get old trying,
you know?

So I gave myself
a strict time limit.

Three years.

Three years to get started
as an actor.

Now, I promised myself,
if in that amount of time

if I didn't get
a paid acting job

I'd give it up,
get a regular full-time job

and never think
about acting again.

I mean a guy
can't go on

like I've been doing forever.

You know, beating my brains out
here six nights a week.

Spending my days trying out for
something that might not happen.

I mean, there's got
to be a limit.

I figured three years.

I mean, how could I not get a
job in three years, you know?

Three years are up today.

I mean, my life is riding
on this job, you know?

I got to get this part, Alex.

You see, that's-that's why
I wanted you to be with me.

Yeah, I know.
Well, listen...

'Cause you know how
much I want to act.

It's the only thing
in the world that...

that really matters to me.

Yeah, I know...

I mean, if they call
up and they tell me

that they're gonna pick
one of those other guys,

Alex, I don't know
what I'm going to do.

W-What are you going to do?

So, they pick another guy. I
mean, It's not the world, is it?

MAN:
All right, I
want my dog.

Where's my dog?

I'll right back to you,
Bobby.

I got to deal
with this guy first.

Come on, where is he?
Hamlet?!

Hamlet?!

Oh, there he is.

Would you give me
that dog, please?

What dog?

Well, that dog.

That's my dog.

I don't see any dog.
What dog are you talking about?

ELAINE:
Yeah, I don't see
any dog either.

Dog? What dog?

Hey, Fred, do you see a dog?
What dog?

There isn't
any dog here.

Oh, I get it.

You guys are looking
for trouble, huh?

LOUIE:
Hey!

What's going on out here?

Are you in charge here?

Do old ladies get mugged?

Well, that dog is my dog,
and I want him now.

Hey, Louie, we don't know
what this guy's talking about.

You don't see
no dog here, do ya?

Uh... yeah...
I got something in my eyes.

I can't see anything.

I can't see if there's
a dog here or not.

Anybody got a dollar bill

I could wipe the sweat
out of my eyes?

ALEX:
Here, Louie.

There's no dog here, mister.

You guys think
you're pretty cute, don't you?

Well, you'd better
give me that dog

and you'd better
give him to me right now,

because if you don't,

I'm going straight from here
to the police.

Oh...

Now, does anybody want

to talk to me about that or not?

Sure, you want somebody
to talk to you?

MAN:
Yeah.
Latka.

Hi.

( speaking native language )

Go, Latka!

( phone ringing )

Hi.

Yeah, yeah.

This is Bobby Wheeler.

Uh, no, uh...
that's okay, you know.

Right. I-I-I, uh...
I appreciate the call, really.

( sighing )

I didn't get the part, Hamlet.

Here are my
bookings, Louie.

( barking )

( laughing )

That's a good Hamlet.

That's good, Hamlet.

Hey, Louie... Louie...

for God's sake, man,
it's my turn.

Let me have him, huh?

All right, All right.

I'll let you have him,

but only 'cause your dreams
are crashing around you.

Thanks.

Good boy.

Good boy. Yeah.

( groans )

Hey, Bobby, listen,
don't worry about it.

Everything's going
to be okay.

Will you stop talking
to him like that, Elaine?

How is everything be okay?

Look, I don't know
much about acting,

but what I do know is,
if you want a good job

you got to go
stand in line.

If you want to find a good job
acting, find a line to stand in.

Bobby, you're
not going to get anywhere

sitting here
feeling sorry for yourself.

BOBBY:
Damn it, Alex, you're right.

There's still 14 hours to go
before midnight.

I'm gonna knock on every door
in New York if I have to.

I don't care what it is--

bit part, commercial, walk-on--

but I'm going to get something.

Hi, Tom.

Hi, Bobby.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot.

I can't tell you how much
I appreciate it. Really.

Oh, don't mention it.

Now, it's just a lucky thing

that you happened
to come by today.
Yeah.

Now, look, Bobby, you do
understand that the director

is doing the casting
on the commercial.

I can't influence him
for you.

Yeah, of course,
but, you know,

any tips on how I might
be able to catch his eye?

Just, uh, be yourself.

I better go rehearse a little.
Okay.

MAN:
Tom?

Tom, okay, I'm ready.

Everybody, everybody,

this is Peter Nicholson
our director.

Thank you.

Okay, now, I'm sure
you're all familiar

with this commercial.

I'd like Tom over here.
Yeah.

And I'd like you all to form
a loose semicircle behind him

with your backs
towards him, please.

Okay?

Now I will cue Tom

and I want you
to react naturally for me, okay?

And... Tom.

"My broker is EF Hutton,
and EF Hutton says... "

PETER:
Great!

Okay, thank you.

We'll be in touch.

Thank you.

Uh... Tom,
h-how did I do?

You did fine, just fine,
Bobby, really.

You, uh, think I got a shot?

Yeah, you got a shot!

Gees, thanks, Tom.

( chimes tinkling )

I'll be right there in a minute.

I'll be right there,
right there.

( chimes tinkling )

All right, coming, coming.

Hey, come on in.

Hey, did you get the commercial?

Hey, did you get
your commercial?

Just wait
a minute.

Are you going
to tell us or not?

Well, wait till
everybody's inside.

ELAINE:
Did you get it?

I didn't get it!

( all cheering )

What?

What?

So what are we
celebrating, then?

Oh. Well...

My first acting job.

Oh...

You got your first
acting job?

Not yet!

Yay!
Yay!
Yay!

What?

What is this, some kind
of a new party game here?

Hey, it's okay
that I didn't get a job,

because I'm going to get one.

( cheering )

Wait a minute.
Are you sure?

Oh, positive.

( soft cheering )

And it's gonna be
before midnight tonight.

Come on,
I'll tell you
all about it.

Let's everybody
have a drink.

Yeah, let's have a drink.

Hey, Latka, come on.
Let's go.
Come on, come on.

( mumbling )

Okay, all right,
somebody make a toast

and we're set.
Okay, um...

Toast, toast.

Eh...

( speaking native language )

No, no.

Everybody must do toast.

( all speaking native language )

No, no, no, no.

( speaking
native language )

( all repeating )

No, no, no.

( changing words )

Latka, if you don't mind,
I'll make the toast.

To Bobby's new job.

Hear, hear.

Ni-nice toast.

Okay, come on, come on.
Everybody, sit down.

Yeah, come on.
Okay.

ELAINE:
Well, Bobby,
why don't you just tell us

about the job
you're going to get.

Oh, well...

When I found out I didn't get
the commercial this morning

I really started hustling.

I went into every
casting office in this town.

Some guys even
had me read for parts, you know?

And that's pretty good when
you're going in cold, you know.

Yeah, I'll say.

Who am I kidding?

That's great when
you're going in cold!

And some of them even told me
that I was in the running.

So one of them
should come through, right?

Sure.

I'm gonna get a call on my phone
before midnight tonight

when the three years are up,

and I'm not going to have
to give up acting.

Oh, you know, it's just so great

when you know it
in your heart, man.

You don't have
to sweat it anymore.

( soft agreements )

Well, maybe somebody
is going to call you, Bobby,

but how do you know they're
gonna call before midnight?

Well, that's simple logic.

You see, when you're
good at something

you end up doing it.

Now, I'm not going
to end up acting

unless I get a phone call
before midnight. So...

I'm gonna get a call
before midnight.

Isn't it wonderful?

I mean, so what if he
doesn't get a call tonight?

He's feeling really
great right now.

Yeah. So what if you're
falling off the cliff?

The view is wonderful
on the way down.

What does that mean?

Somebody better tell this guy

that he's setting himself up
for too big a fall.

Alex, don't.

Sure. We all leave here
at 11:59

with a song in our heart,

and hope we don't
hear the thud.

I just don't think
it's appropriate

right now.

Hey, uh, what are you guys
talking about?

Nothing. Alex
is just getting
a little nervous.

Now come on, Elaine.
I got to tell him
what I'm thinking.

I'm his friend.

Hey, don't worry, Alex.

I just explained to you

why I'm gonna get the call
before midnight, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know--

because you're
so good at acting.

Exactly.

Great actors get jobs.

I'm a great actor.

Bobby, we got
to be rational here.

I am being rational.

I'm good.

Good people do what
they're good at and I'm good.

Bobby...

I got to act, Alex,

because I'm good.

Bobby, listen...

I'm good!

Look, just because
someone doesn't call you

by midnight doesn't mean...

The only way that
phone's not gonna ring

before midnight, Alex,

is if I'm not good enough.

And you're not going to tell
me...

Maybe you're not that good.

Yet.

Doesn't mean that

with a little more experience,
you couldn't get there.

All right, Just stop it.
All right?

Now you've said
what you had to say.

Now let me talk, all right?

Well...

When I was six years old,
Alex...

my father died,

and I never had
any older brothers.

Had a couple of older sisters,
but, uh...

till I met you

I don't think there was
ever a man in my life

that I felt was on my side.

I mean, I had lots
of friends and everything,

but I always felt

there was something special
between you and me.

And you
knew that, Alex.

You knew how I...
how I looked up to you

and respected you,
and counted on you.

Oh, come on, Bobby...

Please, just...
let me finish all right?

What you just said just now--

I mean, it would have been okay
coming from a friend,

but not from somebody
I felt about

the way I feel about you.

I don't know
how to tell you, I...

you just hurt
me now, Alex...

Except to say that...

it feels like, uh...

like my father just died again.

Oh, come on, Bobby.

No, it's a little
late for that, man.

I needed you
and you let me down.

I needed you, Alex.

Bobby, Alex is only
trying to...

You stay out of
this, Elaine!

It's between
Alex and me.

There's only one thing

that I want
from you right now, Alex.

And that's for you
to get out of here.

( voice breaking ):
I don't want to see you again.

I don't want to talk to you.

I don't want to know you, man!

Bobby...

All right, come on,
all right?

Just get out, all right?!

Just get the hell
out of here!

You still say I'm
not such a good actor?

Hey, that
was something.

( laughing )

You bastard.

Now, baby, ring.

Come on, ring.

Blap. Blap.

It's two minutes to 12:00,
Bobby.

Yeah, I know what time it is,
Elaine,

but please stop telling me
what time it is.

I mean, it's going to ring
before midnight

and then that's that, you know?

I haven't said this yet,
but it's going to ring.

Okay, now hold it down

because it's, like,
only 40 seconds left.

It's going to ring.
I just know it.

It's going to ring.

Maybe your watch is off.

No.

It has to be by my watch.

Ten, nine,

eight, seven, six,

five, four,

three,

two,

one,

zero.

Zero.

Zero.

Zero.

I-I promised myself
that I'd quit acting...

and get a job in three years.

Well, it's...
it's been three years.

Aw, what the hell.

I'll give myself
another three years.

MAN:
There he is.

That's my dog.

( clearing throat )

Excuse me.

Hamlet, come over here.

( Hamlet growls )

I'll teach you
to growl at me.

Wait till I get you home!

Officer, where
is this insane man

going with my dog?

Your dog?

See, he admits it.

Officer, this is my dog
and I'm taking him.

Officer, this is my dog
and he's not going anywhere.

Why don't you just
stand them at a distance

and let them call the dog?

Whichever one he goes
to gets the dog, right?

This guy ought to run
for borough president.

All right, Officer,
where do I stand?

You stand over there.
Fine.

Where do I stand?

And you stand over there.

Sit, boy.

Now, when I say so,

I want you both
to call the dog's name.

And whichever one he goes to,
that's the dog's owner,

and that's that, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, one second.

Huh?

What was that all about?

I just want to make sure
no one's carrying any meat.

Okay, call the dog.

Hamlet.

Hamlet.

Hamlet.
Hamlet, come here.

Come over here,
Hamlet.
Come on, Hamlet.

Hamlet.
Hamlet.

Hamlet, come over here.

Come over here!

Hamlet, come over here!

( muttering )

Come over here!

Wait till I get you.

Come over here.

You come over here!

Come over here
when I tell you.

Come over here.

( all sighing )

Well, I guess
that's that.

Hey, man,
why would he do that?

Go with the guy
that beats him?

( growling )

MAN:
It's his dog!
It's his dog!

It's his dog!

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )