Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 20 - Alex Tastes Death and Finds a Nice Restaurant - full transcript
After being shot in his cab, Alex quits the garage and takes a job as a waiter at a high-class French restaurant.
LOUIE ( over speaker ):
Resnick, you got cab 529.
Capasso...
cab 111.
Come on, let's
get out of here
and get some breakfast.
I'm hungry.
Good idea.
Let's go.
Hey, listen, Louie,
when Alex comes in
would you just tell him
we're at Mario's?
He won't be in for a while.
Hamill, 120.
How come?
He got shot.
What?!
De la
Grazzi...
829.
What do you mean,
he got shot, Louie?
What happened?
Some guy robbed him
and shot him.
Lucia, 338.
For God's sakes,
Louie, where is he?
Is he all right?
Is he alive?
Last time I talked to him,
he was.
They took him to Mt. Sinai.
Liebowitz, 226.
Louie, how can you just
sit there like that?
I mean, come on!
Don't you care about Alex?
Aren't you worried about him?
Of course I care about him.
What kind of heel
you think I am?
Drago, 829.
Come on, let's go to
the hospital. Come on.
( indistinct voices )
You're a
sick person.
JOHN:
Huh. Hey. What are
you doing here?
Huh?
Louie said
you got shot.
Yeah, I did.
Well, are you okay?
Huh?
Are you okay?
Of course he's okay.
The bullet just nicked his ear.
Yeah, it was just a scratch.
I'm fine, really.
That's all?
Oh, the doctor said that since
the gun went off
close to my ear,
that I might have
a little trouble hearing
every now and then.
But I don't seem
to notice anything.
So, there's nothing else wrong?
Huh? No, it didn't take long.
He just put a bandage here
and let me go.
It's okay.
Boy, you were
really lucky.
I'll say.
BOBBY:
Yeah.
What?
Boy, you were
really lucky.
I'll say.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it
was really crazy.
You know, I-I just let
this guy off,
and all of a sudden,
he sticks a gun in my face.
Oh...
He asked me to give
him all my money.
I told him that most of it
was locked in a strongbox
and I didn't have the key.
He didn't buy that.
So, uh... then I heard him
cock the gun.
I mean, I really got frightened.
I didn't know what to do.
So, I stepped on the gas,
the gun went off, and, zing.
You know.
That is scary.
Boy, you read about these things
happening all the time,
but you never think
it's going to happen to you.
What makes you think
it was a Jew?
Oh, uh, just a hunch.
Well, listen, I-I'm going
to go home and get some sleep.
I'll see you guys later, okay?
Okay. Alex?
Yeah, take it
easy, man.
You know what?
Don't come in tomorrow.
I mean, why don't you just
take a couple days off?
You know, rest, relax.
Oh, thanks.
I got them on sale.
You like them?
Huh?
Alex?
Yeah?
Why don't you take
a couple days off?
I mean, an experience
like this has got to
have an effect on you.
No, no, no, no.
I'm fine, Elaine.
I really am.
You know the old saying--
you fall off a horse, you
got to get right back on.
Yeah, but I don't know
if the same old saying applies
to getting shot
off a horse.
Oh, Elaine, I'm okay.
Really, I'm okay.
Believe me.
Hey-hey, Alex, did you
get a good look
at the guy
who shot you?
Oh, all I saw
was his big gun.
Oh, yeah, he had a word
tattooed across his fist--
"kill."
Never, never pick up
any people with tattoos.
That's a
cardinal rule.
They're all morons,
maniacs and lowlifes.
Hey, Louie, I got a tattoo.
Oh, yeah, and losers.
LOUIE ( over dispatch ):
Hey, Alex.
Yeah, Louie?
You all right?
Yeah, sure, Louie.
Are you certain?
No, it's not
hurting a bit.
I'm okay.
Look, Alex, I know you must be
feeling a little nervous
after what happened last night,
so I don't want you
to feel any pressure.
Don't pick up anybody
who don't look right to you
and stay out of
the bad neighborhoods.
If you don't book so good,
it don't matter to me.
Well, thanks, Louie.
All right, Nardo,
I read your crummy speech.
Now where's my five dollars?
Uh, look, Elaine, Elaine,
please don't worry about me.
It's no big deal, huh?
MAN:
Taxi!
Sorry, off duty.
I'll pick up the next one.
MAN #2:
Cab!
Next one that doesn't have
a safety pin through his nose.
MAN #3:
Taxi!
Good evening, Father.
Front Street
by Pier Six, please.
What church is down there?
I don't know.
I-I don't think there is one.
That's a pretty desolate
area at night.
Guess you must have
your reasons
for going there, huh?
Uh-huh.
You seem sort of, uh,
young to be a priest.
You been one long?
Uh-uh.
Uh, Louie, this is
Alex, listen...
I'm busy!
Call back in an hour.
That's my dispatcher.
We keep in constant contact
here, you know.
( chuckling nervously )
You know... say, a couple of
guys down at the garage and I
were having this little
argument, you know.
Maybe you can clear it up
for me, uh, Father.
Um... yeah, we had
this big fight
about who the 12 Apostles were,
and, uh, I figured, uh...
you being a priest,
why, you'd know, right?
You had a fight
over the 12 Apostles?
( laughs )
Yeah.
I bet you could
rattle off their names
in nothing flat.
Would you do that
for me, Father?
Rattle them off in nothing flat?
I suppose so,
if you like.
Uh, let's see...
uh, Peter, Matthew,
Judas, Andrew...
James the younger,
James the elder,
Bartholomew... Simon...
That's eight.
John.
Do you really need
to know this?
It would mean
a lot to me
and the guys at
the garage... Father.
Thomas and Jude.
One more.
Did I say Andrew?
Yeah, you said Andrew already.
Well, it's not Sneezy.
No, I don't think
it is Sneezy.
I'm sorry,
I don't remember.
( tires squeal )
All right, get
out of the cab!
What?
I said get out of the cab!
Get out of the cab!
Try it on some other sucker.
Get out of here...
I'll call the cops!
I'll call the cops!
( engine revving )
Wow, that was a close one.
Boy, that's really something.
Everybody's
totally paranoid
after what happened
to Alex last night.
They're all stealing
Latka's tools for weapons.
It's crazy.
What'd you get?
A wrench.
Uh, in my opinion,
the best weapon is
reasonable communication.
The tongue is mightier
than the sword.
Talk like that's a good way
to get your tongue cut off.
I heard about this guy once
who faked a heart attack
while he was getting mugged.
Scared the mugger off.
You know, I could do that.
Uh, you'd have to be
pretty convincing.
Hey, I'm an actor, man.
You know, I can convince anybody
of anything, you know.
Yeah?
Yeah, you want to see
a heart attack?
ELAINE:
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, heart attack.
( gulps )
Oh...
( gasping )
What's the matter
with you?
( gasping ):
I'm having a heart attack.
Well, have it somewheres else.
I could've tripped
and broke my neck.
See? I convinced him.
Yeah.
Play some rummy?
Yeah. Let me get my...
Hi, Alex.
Hey, Alex, how's
your ear?
How do you feel?
( indistinct voices )
You booked
absolutely nothing?
That's not too good, Alex.
I quit.
You're not used to criticism,
are you?
Look, Louie, I had a lot of time
to think about this last night.
I see you had a lot of time.
I don't want
to drive a cab anymore.
Alex... Alex!
Huh?
Come in here.
What do you want?
Come over here.
What are you
talking about?
You can't quit.
You're my best booker.
Louie, I almost got
killed the other night.
One guy out of a city
of eight million
tries to blow your brains out,
you want to make
a federal case out of it.
Now look, Louie,
I'm serious. I quit.
Rieger, you leave,
it's costing me a lot of money.
Ah! But that doesn't matter.
Because who cares
about money
when people's personal feelings
are involved?
( chuckles )
Now, how's this going to affect
your fellow drivers?
Next to me, they look up to you
more than anyone else in here.
Now, how are you going to
break the news to them?
I don't know. I thought I'd
do something like this.
Hey, everybody,
I'm quitting.
What?!
What for?
What are you
talking about
What do you mean?
Well, it's very simple.
I'm scared.
Well, sure,
you're a
little scared.
I mean, after
what happened
the other night...
No, John, I'm not
just a little scared.
I'm a little scared
of spiders and snakes,
but driving a cab terrifies me.
Well, what about what you said
about climbing back
on the horse?
Yeah, well, me and Old Paint
didn't book a dime last night.
Alex, listen, I can
really understand
what you're going through,
but quitting, man, is crazy.
Well, picking up
total strangers
in the middle
of the night
and driving
wherever they tell you to
isn't exactly sane.
Who does that?
We do.
Oh, yeah.
Quitting!
The man is quitting.
Well, maybe I'm using
the word "man" too loosely.
You're a lily-livered,
yellow-bellied,
namby-pamby,
mealymouth chicken!
You're right, Louie.
Can't reason with the guy.
I still don't believe
what I'm hearing.
Alex, you've been driving
a cab for ten years.
What are you going to
do if you quit, huh?
There are a lot of things
I could do.
Yeah, like what?
I used to be
an upholsterer.
I could go back
to doing that.
Oh, whoopie-doo.
Tending bar--
I did that for a while.
Yeah, well, they get
held up, too, you know.
I was a waiter once.
That's a possibility.
Oh, exciting.
You could make cheese.
Why would I want
to do that?
Somebody has to.
Yeah, good point.
Look, I'm not worried
about finding a job.
Yeah, but Alex,
you like driving.
Well, who wouldn't?
It's a great job.
You're outside cruising
in the fresh air.
You wear what you want,
you work when you want.
It's the kind of job
you can really make out
without killing yourself.
Yeah, somebody else
will do that for you.
Look, I've thought about this
a lot,
and I've come to the conclusion
my life is worth more
than 55 cents a mile.
Now, I can't handle it anymore,
and that's it.
Wow, we're all
really going
to miss you.
Yeah, it's...
it's going to be
weird around here
without you.
It sure is.
Hey, come on,
we'll keep in touch.
I'll drop by, you'll drop by.
I mean, you know how it goes.
I mean, a guy leaves
the neighborhood,
you see him more
than when he lived next door.
You know that.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, we'll still
be tight, right?
Sure.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
I, uh...
Oh...
Please!
I'm going to hate
myself in the morning.
Well, I guess I'll see you...
Okay.
( snaps fingers )
Are we ready
to order?
I think so.
Uh, how's
your escargot?
My car goes fine,
why do you ask?
Is there something wrong
with your hearing?
I'm sorry,
we don't serve herring,
but I can recommend
the escargot.
Fine, uh, just
bring us those,
and we'll decide
on our entree later.
Very good, sir.
Wow, Alex said he was working
at a posh place,
but I never expected
anything like this.
Good evening.
Yes, reservations
for Dr. Wheeler.
Ah, yes, Dr. Wheeler,
party of four, yes?
Yes.
Follow me... Doctor.
I'll show you
to your table.
Dr. Wheeler?
Well, it's easier
to get reservations
at joints like this
if they think
you're a doctor.
So, uh, how'd that heart job
go this morning, Doc?
Madame.
Bon appetit.
Merci.
Touch?.
Will you stop trying
to embarrass me, huh?
What did I do?
What do you...?
Hey, look at all
the silverware
they give you here.
Isn't this great?
Good evening.
My name is Richard.
I'll be serving you
this evening.
Are you the waiter
for this table?
Yes.
Then we'd like to sit
somewhere else.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm sure
you're an excellent waiter.
However, we know another waiter
from the establishment
at which he worked formerly.
And, um,
Alex Rieger is his name.
We would very much like
for him to serve us.
I hope you understand.
Not entirely.
But I'll get him.
Oh, thank you
so much.
Why am I talking
like the Queen of England?
Hey, you know, I've been
to some pretty great places
in my life,
but this place beats them all.
There ain't even no gum
stuck to this table.
Will you put it...?
Uh, good evening.
My name is Alex.
Hey, Alex!
Oh!
Hi, Alex!
You look
really terrific.
Do I? huh?
Oh, yeah,
cummerbunds become you.
Here, pull up
a chair.
Oh, no, thanks, Tony, I can't.
I have six tables
to take care of.
I have to be kind of mobile,
if you know what I mean.
Well, we just thought
we'd stop by,
you know, say hello,
and have a bite.
Yes, it's really great
to see you people.
Um, like me to get you
something to drink?
Yeah, I'd love a brew.
Oh.
So, how's it going?
Very well, Tony.
Very well.
Listen, why don't I buy you
a bottle of wine, huh?
What do you say?
Oh...
Oh...
Hey...
What do you like?
Red? White? Ros??
White ros? would be great.
Okay.
An excellent choice, Tony.
Yeah, and bring some peanuts.
Right.
I can't believe
Alex is doing this.
It's hard to keep
a straight face.
He seems to like it
here okay, huh?
Yeah.
Wow, he must be
cleaning up.
15% of the price of a cup
of coffee is a great tip.
Hmm!
Here we are.
Oh.
Hmm?
Whoo, that's nice, Alex.
Would you like me
to open it now?
No, don't bother,
we'll do it ourselves.
That's okay, Tony.
It's okay.
( chuckles )
Alex?
Yes?
Alex, is, uh, this really
awkward for you?
What, you people coming here
and my having to wait on you?
Uh-huh.
Yes, it's as awkward as hell.
Hey, would you feel
better if we left?
Now, truth.
Oh, come on, I'm just kidding.
Hey, come on. You're my friends.
Don't be silly.
Besides, I understand you people
are going to be great tippers.
Hey, uh, Alex?
Hmm?
I think it's ladies first.
Oh.
Thanks for
your help, Tony.
WOMAN:
Waiter.
Mmm.
Mmm?
( whispers ):
It's wonderful.
Waiter?
BOBBY:
Uh, I'd like
to propose a toast.
Waiter.
Will you keep
your drawers on, lady?
The guy's got six tables.
He can't be
everywhere at once.
I just wanted some water.
Listen, I'll be right back.
You happy?
It's okay, Alex.
I took care of it.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... all right.
How are we?
We're doing good.
Hey, let's, uh,
have a toast.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, anyway...
to our good
friend, Alex.
Oh, please.
And one good
waiter, too,
if you ask me.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Thank you,
thank you, folks.
Okay, are we
ready to order?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Um, let's see,
I'm gonna st...
I'll have
the spinach salad.
Oh, listen, I'll
split one with you.
Just put extra
bacon bits
on my half,
all right?
Okay.
Gee, it seems such
a shame not to order
French food in a
French restaurant.
Uh, tell me... uh,
how are the potatoes
au gratin prepared?
With cheese.
Very interesting.
That's what I
think I'll have--
potatoes au gratin,
with cheese.
What the heck.
Give me the potatoes au gratin--
only without the cheese.
Okay, let's see if
I've got this right, now.
That's, uh, pheasant pate,
vichyssoise,
endive salad, duck a l'orange
chocolate mousse and espresso
all for four.
Alex, what are...?
It's on me.
Aw, Alex, we can't
let you do that.
Are you kidding?
Listen, I make
almost twice as much here
as I did at the garage.
Now, it's on me,
and that's all there is to it.
Well, gee, I mean, like,
well... thanks.
You're welcome.
ELAINE:
You know, Alex, uh...
I guess we all came here tonight
sort of hoping
it wasn't working out
for you as a waiter.
And you know, maybe you'd come
back to the garage.
But I-I guess
there's no chance of that, huh?
You know, strangely enough,
I was laying awake last night
thinking about whether or not
I should go back
to driving a cab.
Really?
Great!
Hold on. I said I was thinking
about it-- just thinking.
( groaning )
( groaning )
I mean, you know,
I was trying to weigh
what's good about being a waiter
against what's good
about being a cab driver.
You know, I, um...
I do make
a lot more bread here.
Oh...
Yeah.
But on the other hand,
being a cab driver,
I'm my own boss.
I mean, nobody orders me around,
you know.
Nobody goes like this to me.
That's right.
Right.
That's important.
Self-respect,
you know.
However, on the other hand
being a waiter,
nobody goes like this to me.
Oh, yeah, but
that's one in
a million.
Big deal.
One time, you know?
Of course, as a cab driver,
I can...
I don't have to
dress up like this.
I mean, uh... I can wear what I
want, shave when I want.
Yeah, you hate shaving.
Yeah...That's right.
Besides, you
look pretty
fruity...
Of course, the hours are really
much better here, you know.
I get to go home at midnight,
and I sleep at night.
( all groaning )
But of course, you know, as a
cab driver, my time is my own.
I mean, I feel like working,
I work.
I don't feel like working,
I don't work.
That's great.
That's right.
Exactly why I took
the job...
You know something?
I do get great
gourmet meals here free.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, so...
But you know, the great thing
about being a cab driver?
You can be yourself.
I mean, you don't have
to smile at everybody.
All they get
is the back of my head.
What I do with my face
is my own business.
( all talking at once )
So, you see what I mean?
I mean, both have
their advantages,
both have
their disadvantages.
See what I mean?
Yeah, but, Alex, you know,
you're forgetting one thing.
What's that?
Friends.
Oh.
Yes.
You're right, Bobby.
I've made wonderful friends
here at the restaurant.
( mocking laughter )
Joker!
You see, so I say to myself,
what's it going to be?
Waiter...
cab driver.
Waiter...
cab driver...
Alex, thank you.
Everything was excellent.
This is for you.
Wow! A $20 tip.
This is very depressing.
It's okay, Alex.
We understand.
No, because I just decided.
I'm a cab driver.
( cheering, laughing )
BOBBY:
Cabby Alex!
They love the appetizer.
LOUIE ( over dispatch ):
Just remember, Alex.
This is your first night back.
Don't pick up anybody
who looks suspicious.
Now, listen, Louie, it's
not going to work that way.
I'm going to drive the
way I always drive.
Anybody who flags me,
I'm going to pick them up.
Anywhere they want
to go, that's fine.
I mean, I'm going to go crazy
if I spend my life
trying to figure out who's safe,
who isn't safe.
Look, it's a dangerous business.
I'll just have to live
with it, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, off duty.
Aw, what the heck.
Might as well take a chance.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )
Resnick, you got cab 529.
Capasso...
cab 111.
Come on, let's
get out of here
and get some breakfast.
I'm hungry.
Good idea.
Let's go.
Hey, listen, Louie,
when Alex comes in
would you just tell him
we're at Mario's?
He won't be in for a while.
Hamill, 120.
How come?
He got shot.
What?!
De la
Grazzi...
829.
What do you mean,
he got shot, Louie?
What happened?
Some guy robbed him
and shot him.
Lucia, 338.
For God's sakes,
Louie, where is he?
Is he all right?
Is he alive?
Last time I talked to him,
he was.
They took him to Mt. Sinai.
Liebowitz, 226.
Louie, how can you just
sit there like that?
I mean, come on!
Don't you care about Alex?
Aren't you worried about him?
Of course I care about him.
What kind of heel
you think I am?
Drago, 829.
Come on, let's go to
the hospital. Come on.
( indistinct voices )
You're a
sick person.
JOHN:
Huh. Hey. What are
you doing here?
Huh?
Louie said
you got shot.
Yeah, I did.
Well, are you okay?
Huh?
Are you okay?
Of course he's okay.
The bullet just nicked his ear.
Yeah, it was just a scratch.
I'm fine, really.
That's all?
Oh, the doctor said that since
the gun went off
close to my ear,
that I might have
a little trouble hearing
every now and then.
But I don't seem
to notice anything.
So, there's nothing else wrong?
Huh? No, it didn't take long.
He just put a bandage here
and let me go.
It's okay.
Boy, you were
really lucky.
I'll say.
BOBBY:
Yeah.
What?
Boy, you were
really lucky.
I'll say.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, it
was really crazy.
You know, I-I just let
this guy off,
and all of a sudden,
he sticks a gun in my face.
Oh...
He asked me to give
him all my money.
I told him that most of it
was locked in a strongbox
and I didn't have the key.
He didn't buy that.
So, uh... then I heard him
cock the gun.
I mean, I really got frightened.
I didn't know what to do.
So, I stepped on the gas,
the gun went off, and, zing.
You know.
That is scary.
Boy, you read about these things
happening all the time,
but you never think
it's going to happen to you.
What makes you think
it was a Jew?
Oh, uh, just a hunch.
Well, listen, I-I'm going
to go home and get some sleep.
I'll see you guys later, okay?
Okay. Alex?
Yeah, take it
easy, man.
You know what?
Don't come in tomorrow.
I mean, why don't you just
take a couple days off?
You know, rest, relax.
Oh, thanks.
I got them on sale.
You like them?
Huh?
Alex?
Yeah?
Why don't you take
a couple days off?
I mean, an experience
like this has got to
have an effect on you.
No, no, no, no.
I'm fine, Elaine.
I really am.
You know the old saying--
you fall off a horse, you
got to get right back on.
Yeah, but I don't know
if the same old saying applies
to getting shot
off a horse.
Oh, Elaine, I'm okay.
Really, I'm okay.
Believe me.
Hey-hey, Alex, did you
get a good look
at the guy
who shot you?
Oh, all I saw
was his big gun.
Oh, yeah, he had a word
tattooed across his fist--
"kill."
Never, never pick up
any people with tattoos.
That's a
cardinal rule.
They're all morons,
maniacs and lowlifes.
Hey, Louie, I got a tattoo.
Oh, yeah, and losers.
LOUIE ( over dispatch ):
Hey, Alex.
Yeah, Louie?
You all right?
Yeah, sure, Louie.
Are you certain?
No, it's not
hurting a bit.
I'm okay.
Look, Alex, I know you must be
feeling a little nervous
after what happened last night,
so I don't want you
to feel any pressure.
Don't pick up anybody
who don't look right to you
and stay out of
the bad neighborhoods.
If you don't book so good,
it don't matter to me.
Well, thanks, Louie.
All right, Nardo,
I read your crummy speech.
Now where's my five dollars?
Uh, look, Elaine, Elaine,
please don't worry about me.
It's no big deal, huh?
MAN:
Taxi!
Sorry, off duty.
I'll pick up the next one.
MAN #2:
Cab!
Next one that doesn't have
a safety pin through his nose.
MAN #3:
Taxi!
Good evening, Father.
Front Street
by Pier Six, please.
What church is down there?
I don't know.
I-I don't think there is one.
That's a pretty desolate
area at night.
Guess you must have
your reasons
for going there, huh?
Uh-huh.
You seem sort of, uh,
young to be a priest.
You been one long?
Uh-uh.
Uh, Louie, this is
Alex, listen...
I'm busy!
Call back in an hour.
That's my dispatcher.
We keep in constant contact
here, you know.
( chuckling nervously )
You know... say, a couple of
guys down at the garage and I
were having this little
argument, you know.
Maybe you can clear it up
for me, uh, Father.
Um... yeah, we had
this big fight
about who the 12 Apostles were,
and, uh, I figured, uh...
you being a priest,
why, you'd know, right?
You had a fight
over the 12 Apostles?
( laughs )
Yeah.
I bet you could
rattle off their names
in nothing flat.
Would you do that
for me, Father?
Rattle them off in nothing flat?
I suppose so,
if you like.
Uh, let's see...
uh, Peter, Matthew,
Judas, Andrew...
James the younger,
James the elder,
Bartholomew... Simon...
That's eight.
John.
Do you really need
to know this?
It would mean
a lot to me
and the guys at
the garage... Father.
Thomas and Jude.
One more.
Did I say Andrew?
Yeah, you said Andrew already.
Well, it's not Sneezy.
No, I don't think
it is Sneezy.
I'm sorry,
I don't remember.
( tires squeal )
All right, get
out of the cab!
What?
I said get out of the cab!
Get out of the cab!
Try it on some other sucker.
Get out of here...
I'll call the cops!
I'll call the cops!
( engine revving )
Wow, that was a close one.
Boy, that's really something.
Everybody's
totally paranoid
after what happened
to Alex last night.
They're all stealing
Latka's tools for weapons.
It's crazy.
What'd you get?
A wrench.
Uh, in my opinion,
the best weapon is
reasonable communication.
The tongue is mightier
than the sword.
Talk like that's a good way
to get your tongue cut off.
I heard about this guy once
who faked a heart attack
while he was getting mugged.
Scared the mugger off.
You know, I could do that.
Uh, you'd have to be
pretty convincing.
Hey, I'm an actor, man.
You know, I can convince anybody
of anything, you know.
Yeah?
Yeah, you want to see
a heart attack?
ELAINE:
Yeah.
All right.
Okay, heart attack.
( gulps )
Oh...
( gasping )
What's the matter
with you?
( gasping ):
I'm having a heart attack.
Well, have it somewheres else.
I could've tripped
and broke my neck.
See? I convinced him.
Yeah.
Play some rummy?
Yeah. Let me get my...
Hi, Alex.
Hey, Alex, how's
your ear?
How do you feel?
( indistinct voices )
You booked
absolutely nothing?
That's not too good, Alex.
I quit.
You're not used to criticism,
are you?
Look, Louie, I had a lot of time
to think about this last night.
I see you had a lot of time.
I don't want
to drive a cab anymore.
Alex... Alex!
Huh?
Come in here.
What do you want?
Come over here.
What are you
talking about?
You can't quit.
You're my best booker.
Louie, I almost got
killed the other night.
One guy out of a city
of eight million
tries to blow your brains out,
you want to make
a federal case out of it.
Now look, Louie,
I'm serious. I quit.
Rieger, you leave,
it's costing me a lot of money.
Ah! But that doesn't matter.
Because who cares
about money
when people's personal feelings
are involved?
( chuckles )
Now, how's this going to affect
your fellow drivers?
Next to me, they look up to you
more than anyone else in here.
Now, how are you going to
break the news to them?
I don't know. I thought I'd
do something like this.
Hey, everybody,
I'm quitting.
What?!
What for?
What are you
talking about
What do you mean?
Well, it's very simple.
I'm scared.
Well, sure,
you're a
little scared.
I mean, after
what happened
the other night...
No, John, I'm not
just a little scared.
I'm a little scared
of spiders and snakes,
but driving a cab terrifies me.
Well, what about what you said
about climbing back
on the horse?
Yeah, well, me and Old Paint
didn't book a dime last night.
Alex, listen, I can
really understand
what you're going through,
but quitting, man, is crazy.
Well, picking up
total strangers
in the middle
of the night
and driving
wherever they tell you to
isn't exactly sane.
Who does that?
We do.
Oh, yeah.
Quitting!
The man is quitting.
Well, maybe I'm using
the word "man" too loosely.
You're a lily-livered,
yellow-bellied,
namby-pamby,
mealymouth chicken!
You're right, Louie.
Can't reason with the guy.
I still don't believe
what I'm hearing.
Alex, you've been driving
a cab for ten years.
What are you going to
do if you quit, huh?
There are a lot of things
I could do.
Yeah, like what?
I used to be
an upholsterer.
I could go back
to doing that.
Oh, whoopie-doo.
Tending bar--
I did that for a while.
Yeah, well, they get
held up, too, you know.
I was a waiter once.
That's a possibility.
Oh, exciting.
You could make cheese.
Why would I want
to do that?
Somebody has to.
Yeah, good point.
Look, I'm not worried
about finding a job.
Yeah, but Alex,
you like driving.
Well, who wouldn't?
It's a great job.
You're outside cruising
in the fresh air.
You wear what you want,
you work when you want.
It's the kind of job
you can really make out
without killing yourself.
Yeah, somebody else
will do that for you.
Look, I've thought about this
a lot,
and I've come to the conclusion
my life is worth more
than 55 cents a mile.
Now, I can't handle it anymore,
and that's it.
Wow, we're all
really going
to miss you.
Yeah, it's...
it's going to be
weird around here
without you.
It sure is.
Hey, come on,
we'll keep in touch.
I'll drop by, you'll drop by.
I mean, you know how it goes.
I mean, a guy leaves
the neighborhood,
you see him more
than when he lived next door.
You know that.
Yeah, sure.
Yeah, we'll still
be tight, right?
Sure.
Right.
Right.
Okay.
I, uh...
Oh...
Please!
I'm going to hate
myself in the morning.
Well, I guess I'll see you...
Okay.
( snaps fingers )
Are we ready
to order?
I think so.
Uh, how's
your escargot?
My car goes fine,
why do you ask?
Is there something wrong
with your hearing?
I'm sorry,
we don't serve herring,
but I can recommend
the escargot.
Fine, uh, just
bring us those,
and we'll decide
on our entree later.
Very good, sir.
Wow, Alex said he was working
at a posh place,
but I never expected
anything like this.
Good evening.
Yes, reservations
for Dr. Wheeler.
Ah, yes, Dr. Wheeler,
party of four, yes?
Yes.
Follow me... Doctor.
I'll show you
to your table.
Dr. Wheeler?
Well, it's easier
to get reservations
at joints like this
if they think
you're a doctor.
So, uh, how'd that heart job
go this morning, Doc?
Madame.
Bon appetit.
Merci.
Touch?.
Will you stop trying
to embarrass me, huh?
What did I do?
What do you...?
Hey, look at all
the silverware
they give you here.
Isn't this great?
Good evening.
My name is Richard.
I'll be serving you
this evening.
Are you the waiter
for this table?
Yes.
Then we'd like to sit
somewhere else.
Excuse me.
Um, I'm sure
you're an excellent waiter.
However, we know another waiter
from the establishment
at which he worked formerly.
And, um,
Alex Rieger is his name.
We would very much like
for him to serve us.
I hope you understand.
Not entirely.
But I'll get him.
Oh, thank you
so much.
Why am I talking
like the Queen of England?
Hey, you know, I've been
to some pretty great places
in my life,
but this place beats them all.
There ain't even no gum
stuck to this table.
Will you put it...?
Uh, good evening.
My name is Alex.
Hey, Alex!
Oh!
Hi, Alex!
You look
really terrific.
Do I? huh?
Oh, yeah,
cummerbunds become you.
Here, pull up
a chair.
Oh, no, thanks, Tony, I can't.
I have six tables
to take care of.
I have to be kind of mobile,
if you know what I mean.
Well, we just thought
we'd stop by,
you know, say hello,
and have a bite.
Yes, it's really great
to see you people.
Um, like me to get you
something to drink?
Yeah, I'd love a brew.
Oh.
So, how's it going?
Very well, Tony.
Very well.
Listen, why don't I buy you
a bottle of wine, huh?
What do you say?
Oh...
Oh...
Hey...
What do you like?
Red? White? Ros??
White ros? would be great.
Okay.
An excellent choice, Tony.
Yeah, and bring some peanuts.
Right.
I can't believe
Alex is doing this.
It's hard to keep
a straight face.
He seems to like it
here okay, huh?
Yeah.
Wow, he must be
cleaning up.
15% of the price of a cup
of coffee is a great tip.
Hmm!
Here we are.
Oh.
Hmm?
Whoo, that's nice, Alex.
Would you like me
to open it now?
No, don't bother,
we'll do it ourselves.
That's okay, Tony.
It's okay.
( chuckles )
Alex?
Yes?
Alex, is, uh, this really
awkward for you?
What, you people coming here
and my having to wait on you?
Uh-huh.
Yes, it's as awkward as hell.
Hey, would you feel
better if we left?
Now, truth.
Oh, come on, I'm just kidding.
Hey, come on. You're my friends.
Don't be silly.
Besides, I understand you people
are going to be great tippers.
Hey, uh, Alex?
Hmm?
I think it's ladies first.
Oh.
Thanks for
your help, Tony.
WOMAN:
Waiter.
Mmm.
Mmm?
( whispers ):
It's wonderful.
Waiter?
BOBBY:
Uh, I'd like
to propose a toast.
Waiter.
Will you keep
your drawers on, lady?
The guy's got six tables.
He can't be
everywhere at once.
I just wanted some water.
Listen, I'll be right back.
You happy?
It's okay, Alex.
I took care of it.
Oh, thank you.
Uh... all right.
How are we?
We're doing good.
Hey, let's, uh,
have a toast.
Oh, yeah, okay.
Oh, yeah, anyway...
to our good
friend, Alex.
Oh, please.
And one good
waiter, too,
if you ask me.
ALL:
Hear, hear.
Thank you,
thank you, folks.
Okay, are we
ready to order?
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Um, let's see,
I'm gonna st...
I'll have
the spinach salad.
Oh, listen, I'll
split one with you.
Just put extra
bacon bits
on my half,
all right?
Okay.
Gee, it seems such
a shame not to order
French food in a
French restaurant.
Uh, tell me... uh,
how are the potatoes
au gratin prepared?
With cheese.
Very interesting.
That's what I
think I'll have--
potatoes au gratin,
with cheese.
What the heck.
Give me the potatoes au gratin--
only without the cheese.
Okay, let's see if
I've got this right, now.
That's, uh, pheasant pate,
vichyssoise,
endive salad, duck a l'orange
chocolate mousse and espresso
all for four.
Alex, what are...?
It's on me.
Aw, Alex, we can't
let you do that.
Are you kidding?
Listen, I make
almost twice as much here
as I did at the garage.
Now, it's on me,
and that's all there is to it.
Well, gee, I mean, like,
well... thanks.
You're welcome.
ELAINE:
You know, Alex, uh...
I guess we all came here tonight
sort of hoping
it wasn't working out
for you as a waiter.
And you know, maybe you'd come
back to the garage.
But I-I guess
there's no chance of that, huh?
You know, strangely enough,
I was laying awake last night
thinking about whether or not
I should go back
to driving a cab.
Really?
Great!
Hold on. I said I was thinking
about it-- just thinking.
( groaning )
( groaning )
I mean, you know,
I was trying to weigh
what's good about being a waiter
against what's good
about being a cab driver.
You know, I, um...
I do make
a lot more bread here.
Oh...
Yeah.
But on the other hand,
being a cab driver,
I'm my own boss.
I mean, nobody orders me around,
you know.
Nobody goes like this to me.
That's right.
Right.
That's important.
Self-respect,
you know.
However, on the other hand
being a waiter,
nobody goes like this to me.
Oh, yeah, but
that's one in
a million.
Big deal.
One time, you know?
Of course, as a cab driver,
I can...
I don't have to
dress up like this.
I mean, uh... I can wear what I
want, shave when I want.
Yeah, you hate shaving.
Yeah...That's right.
Besides, you
look pretty
fruity...
Of course, the hours are really
much better here, you know.
I get to go home at midnight,
and I sleep at night.
( all groaning )
But of course, you know, as a
cab driver, my time is my own.
I mean, I feel like working,
I work.
I don't feel like working,
I don't work.
That's great.
That's right.
Exactly why I took
the job...
You know something?
I do get great
gourmet meals here free.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, so...
But you know, the great thing
about being a cab driver?
You can be yourself.
I mean, you don't have
to smile at everybody.
All they get
is the back of my head.
What I do with my face
is my own business.
( all talking at once )
So, you see what I mean?
I mean, both have
their advantages,
both have
their disadvantages.
See what I mean?
Yeah, but, Alex, you know,
you're forgetting one thing.
What's that?
Friends.
Oh.
Yes.
You're right, Bobby.
I've made wonderful friends
here at the restaurant.
( mocking laughter )
Joker!
You see, so I say to myself,
what's it going to be?
Waiter...
cab driver.
Waiter...
cab driver...
Alex, thank you.
Everything was excellent.
This is for you.
Wow! A $20 tip.
This is very depressing.
It's okay, Alex.
We understand.
No, because I just decided.
I'm a cab driver.
( cheering, laughing )
BOBBY:
Cabby Alex!
They love the appetizer.
LOUIE ( over dispatch ):
Just remember, Alex.
This is your first night back.
Don't pick up anybody
who looks suspicious.
Now, listen, Louie, it's
not going to work that way.
I'm going to drive the
way I always drive.
Anybody who flags me,
I'm going to pick them up.
Anywhere they want
to go, that's fine.
I mean, I'm going to go crazy
if I spend my life
trying to figure out who's safe,
who isn't safe.
Look, it's a dangerous business.
I'll just have to live
with it, okay?
Okay.
Sorry, off duty.
Aw, what the heck.
Might as well take a chance.
( theme music playing )
WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.
( grunts )