Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 13 - A Full House for Christmas - full transcript

( theme music playing )

( bells pealing )

So, what are you and Suzanne
doing for Christmas, John?

Oh, her parents
are having a party.

How about you?

Oh, I don't know.

Last year, I went
to a sit-down dinner

for 80 people.

80 People. Wow!

Yeah, they got this
really long counter

at Woolworth's.



Merry
Christmas,
Elaine.

Hey, how
you doing, Elaine?

Come on.

I'll take three.

What's the matter with Elaine?

Oh, I think it has something
to do with her ex-husband

picks up the girls this morning.

This is the first Christmas
she's ever spent alone.

Poor thing.

What a bummer.

I'd go crazy if I had
to spend Christmas alone.

You are spending
Christmas alone.

I am?

Well, he gave us
fair warning.



$35? You call this
a day's booking?

Sorry, Louie.

What's
the matter
with her?

You wouldn't
understand, Louie.

Some people just feel
sad at Christmas.

Oh, yeah?
You think I don't know that?

I got feelings.

Really?

My mother's that way.

Cries every
Christmas

on account of my
little brother Nicky

never comes
to see her.

I'll give you
the same advice

I give my mom
when she cries.

I say, "Ma, shut up."

I always knew you
could be tender.

Yeah, only this year,

I ain't going to have
any problems with Ma

because Nicky's
breaking with tradition.

Oh, you mean
your brother is
coming to town?

Due in today.

I'm expecting
him any minute.

I told you
about him.

Big-time
poker player,

lives in
Las Vegas.

Yeah, right.

Always says
he's too busy
to come East.

Only this year
he was in
Atlantic City

to catch
the action.

I talked him
into stopping by
for a few days.

You know, every Christmas
Eve for the past six years

Ma stayed up all night crying.

It was really hard on me.

I'll bet.

Yeah, I hated having
to put her out in the hall.

Nick!

Louie!

You made it, Nick!

My little brother.

Hey, everybody, this is
my little brother, Nicky.

Ooh, I can't believe
you're here.

Come here. I want
to introduce you

to some of
my inferiors.

Nah, we'll
do that later.

Six years I haven't seen you.

Let me look at you.

New coat, huh?

Ma can't wait
to see you.

She couldn't talk
about anything else

since she found out
you were coming.

Right.

Hey, is that
a poker game?

Relax. I already told
them you're a pro.

Now, listen,

the sleeping arrangements
are going to be a little tricky

because, you see,
we only have two beds,

but Ma has trouble
sleeping anyway,

so she can sit up
and you can have hers.

Nicky, we're going to
have such a good time.

Right, right, right.

How about me sitting in
on a few hands, huh?

Hey, Nick, Nicky, don't you hear
what I'm saying?

Nicky, Ma's been waiting
to see you for six years.

So, she can wait
a few minutes.
It won't hurt her.

I ain't fooling
with you this
time, Nicky.

Get up there.

Hey, Jeff, get a cab

and take my brother
to see my mother.

Come on, Louie.
Don't push.

I'm not pushing.
Now, get the hell out of here!

I'm going,
I'm going.

Just don't
lose all that
Christmas tip money.

I want a crack at it.

I know it's none of my business,
Louie, but, uh,

your brother didn't seem so
anxious to visit your mother.

I know.

It worries me, Alex.

He hurts her bad.

Huh?

He never shows
her any affection

or consideration.

Like me, I'm always saying
stuff like, "How you doing, Ma?"

You know?

She cooks
something,

and I don't like
the way it tastes,

I never spit it out.

I always tell her,
"Take another crack at it."

But listen,
I want to tell
you something.

This is
just between
you and me.

The winters have
been getting

really hard on Ma,

and she freezes up on me,

Oh.
you know?

And she needs to go someplace

where it's warm
so she can thaw out.

You know, like Las Vegas.

Yeah.

Now, here's Nick--

he's got this beautiful
apartment out there.

You think he ever asked her once
to come out and visit?

No.

Now, what I'm hoping is

he's going to go home and
see how bad off she is

and then get the idea
himself and ask her.

That'd be swell,
but from what I saw,

I wouldn't count on it, Louie.

No, I'm not, I'm not.

That's why I told Ma, you know,
drop a few subtle hints.

Now that'd be an idea.

Yeah, like I told her
to tell him,

"Nicky, I'd really love to
see your apartment in Vegas

"before I die,

because if I don't I'll put
a curse on you from my grave."

* Joy to the world,
the Lord is come *

* let Earth receive
her King... *

Look
at this.

* Let every heart
prepare Him room *

* And heaven and nature sing

* and heaven and nature sing

* And heaven and
nature sing... *

Come on, give him
a buck, everybody.

* Let Earth receive her King

* Let every heart
prepare Him room *

* And heaven and nature sing

* And heaven and nature sing

* And heaven and nature sing

* Joy to the world...

Here's your cut,
Mr. De Palma.

Thanks for letting us
work the garage.

Okay, Merry
Christmas.

All right, now
keep practicing

because I might
have a New Year's
eve gig for you.

Hey, I was
just thinking.

Why don't we
have a little
Christmas party?

Where?

Right here
in the garage.

You know,
why not?

We never had
one here before.

How come?

I don't know... tradition?

Hey, wait a minute.

That might not be
such a bad idea.

Sure.

I can make some egg nog.

I'm not going
to be able to cook

but I could stop at a deli.

That's fine,
that's fine.

I'll get some Christmas
decorations.

Right.

I'm sure even Louie will
give me a break on the choir.

And you know what?

I'm going to get
a Christmas tree

so we can put all of
our gifts underneath it.

I just hope you guys
like what I got you.

What's wrong?

You do exchange
Christmas gifts, don't you?

We do now.

Yeah, sure.

ELAINE:
Okay, well, I'm going
to make some phone calls

and I'll set it up.

Okay, everybody, okay.

Come here round the table.
Let's go.

Who's the cashier
around this joint, huh?

LOUIE:
Nick!

What are you doing back here?
You're supposed to be seeing Ma.

I saw Ma--
we had a little chat.

You had a good idea me coming.

I'm glad I did it.

Hey, deal me in.

Don't deal
him in.

You only been
gone ten minutes.

It takes ten minutes
to drive there and back.

What'd you expect,
me to spend all afternoon
with her? Deal me in.

Don't deal him in.
I want to talk to you.

I got a poker game
to play, Louie.

I want to talk to you now.

Get in the cage.

Excuse us.

Get in there.

Watch my
coat, huh?

I'll watch
the coat.

Sit down.

You're a rotten
kid, Nick.

Six years
you're gone.

You don't call,
you don't write.

Nothing.

You come back for
a crummy five minutes.

Ain't you got no feelings
for Ma at all?

( phone rings )

Sunshine cab.

Hey, crazy lady,
give me a break here.

It's Ma.

I'm talking
to him now.

What?

She says she asked you
about going to Vegas

and you laughed in her face.

I thought she was joking.

What am I going to do
with Ma in Las Vegas?

Stop screaming, will you?!

I can't talk to her
when she's like this.

Ma, I can't talk to you
when you're like this.

Alex, come in here
and talk to my mother.

What, me?

LOUIE:
Come on, just
take the phone.

Hey, Louie, I don't know
what to say to your mother.

You don't have to say
anything, just listen.

Hello, Mrs. De Palma?

This is Alex Rieger, one
of your son's employees.

No, Mrs. De Palma, I don't
know why people have children.

Look, Nick, I've given you
your way for a long time.

I've been with Ma.

I'm taking care of her.

I never asked you for no help.

Well, maybe I
haven't said so,

but I always thought
that was big of you.

Nicky was
a difficult birth, huh?

No, no, please.

Mrs. De Palma, don't tell
me all the medical details.

I'm really not
a medical man, please.

Look, you're taking Ma
to Vegas and that's that.

I told you,
I can't.

Give me one good reason.

I don't want to.

Nicky used to pull
the what off flies?

All right, this is
your last chance.

You either take Ma
with you when you go,

or you leave town an only child.

I'm not your brother anymore.

Okay, Louie.

Have it your way.

We're not
brothers anymore.

Hey, deal me in.

You want
to talk
to Nicky?

Nick.

Louie, Louie,
I'm sorry.

Ma!

Ma, you're going
to Vegas, I promise.

I'm not lying.

Have I lied to you yet?

I mean this phone call.

No, trust me, then.

I swear you're going to Vegas.

How you going to keep a promise
like that?

I don't know, Alex,
but I got to.

You hear the way she screeches?

Sometimes when she's going real
good, dogs come from all over.

I just have to keep
that promise.

Thanks for
coming, Alex.

I knew I could
count on you if I called you.

You're a real pal.

Yeah.

What are
you having?

Um, I'll
have a beer.

Separate tabs.

So, how's the party going?

Oh, you'd hate it, Louie.

There's joy everywhere.

Nick still around?

Yep, and winning big.

You know, I been doing a lot
of thinking, Alex,

about Ma, about me,
about Nick, about Ma and me,

about Nick and me,
about Nick and Ma.

Thank goodness you don't
have a bigger family.

You know, Christmas
has always been

a stinking time
of the year for me.

Oh, come on, Louie.

Always!

Do you know that
I played the elf

in the Christmas
pageant every year

till I left
for the Army?

Yeah, I know.

I never got to
play the parts

that I wanted
to play--

angel, shepherd,
room clerk...

The guy who said,
"No room at the Inn."

Oh, that room clerk.

Alex, Louie.

Hi, John.

Excuse me.

Listen, I was just
on my way

to my in-laws' house
for the party

and I wanted
to drop by

and wish you
a Merry Christmas.

Maybe this is
the wrong time.

Huh? No, no,
it's okay, John.

Hey, how did you do
at the poker table?

Got cleaned out.

Boy, that brother of yours
can really play poker.

He's cleaning everybody.

Yeah, I'm glad I'm not playing.

That does it.

It's bad enough he's ruining
Christmas for me and Ma.

He's got to
ruin it for
everybody else.

Yeah.
Yeah.

I want to get
even with him.
I would too.

I want to hit him
where it hurts the most.

And I want you to help me.

Me?

Yeah. You're the best

poker player in the company,
Alex.

Well...

I want you
to challenge Nick

and beat him
at his own game.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Now, Nick's a pro.
I can't beat him.

Even if I could,
it would take
a lot of money

to bankroll
a challenge
like that.

I got the money.

It's my life savings.

I been socking away
money for years.

I've always wanted to use it

for something special--

a trip to Florida,
a new car...

Revenge!

I want him
wiped out, Alex

crushed, destroyed,
humiliated...

for Ma.

Louie, what
do you think?

About what?

Nick.

Hey, Louie, I knew

you couldn't stay mad
at me forever.

Great party.

Great bunch
of guys, too.

From now on, I'm
coming back more often.

That's a promise.

Nick, Nick.

Alex, yo.

Alex wants to play
one on one with you.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Hey, Alex, hey,
are you sure?

I mean, like,
he's really good.

I mean, he's
really good,

you know
what I mean?

Hey, what do you mean?
I mean, what's one on one?

Does that mean
we can't play anymore?

It means that we've
lost enough already.

You lost enough-- I haven't.

Hey, I'll cut you for 20.

20.

NICK:
Ace.

Now I lost enough.

Hey, could I have my shoes back?

Yeah, but you can only borrow
them till I'm done here.

Okay, Alex.

Oh yeah, right.

You get him.
We're all behind you, all right?

Don't worry
about it.

Okay, how
much you
playing with?

Alex isn't playing
with his money.

He's playing with mine.

You're bankrolling
him against me,

your own brother?

Jeez, Louie, I always knew you
resented me and all of that

but I never knew you had it in
you to do something like this.

You're all right.

TONY:
Hey, John, I thought

you were going
to your in-laws'.

Oh, I am. I forgot
and left Suzanne's
present in my locker.

How's the game going?

They're just
getting started.

Okay, well, we'll
see you all

in a couple days.

Merry Christmas again.
Merry Christmas.

I'm just going to call Suzanne
and tell her I'm on my way.

All right, let's get started.

Only we're going to make
some new rules this time.

Hello, honey, I'm
just leaving the garage now,

so could you ask your folks
if they'd hold dinner for me?

All right.

No limit on the betting.

Alex, here's
$3,000.

Maybe you better
tell them

to start without me.

JOHN:
Well, honey,

Alex just raised
another 20...

Nick is
smiling...

Nick calls...

Damn, Alex
lost again.

That's the third
time in a row.

Hey, Alex,
how much you
lost now?

None of your
business, Banta.

About 1,100.

What are you--
a computer?

You guys been
at this five
hours now.

Couldn't
we take a break?

They don't need a break.

I've seen Alex play
ten, 12 hours in a row.

No, look, if Nick wants to take
a break, I'll take a break.

I once played for
72 hours in a row.

Let's play.

Hey, 72 hours.

That's like
my fight with
Rocky Santocuore.

Your fight
with Santocuore
lasted four minutes.

I'm talking about
my recovery.

I bet $500.

( spectators gasping )

I like your
style, kid.

I'll see your five...

and raise five.

$1,500 in one pile.

I don't believe it.

Hey, Alex,
take it easy.

I will see
your five.

And I will
raise you...

Five.

This is
unbelievable.

$2,500.

Alex, you better be sure.

I mean, you better be sure

you're sure.

I'm going to find out.

I'll see it...

and raise you my last $300.

I'm all in.

Louie, I can't
cover that.

Alex, look into my eyes

and tell me
that you're sure

about this hand.

I mean, promise
me you're sure.

Say you're
positive.

I'm reasonably sure.

I'll get more money.

More money?

Where are you going
to get more money?

Hey, Louie,
where you going?

What are you going in there for?

You're going to bet the company
receipts?

What the hell do you think
you been playing with?

You said it was your
life savings, Louie.

I lied-- I do that sometimes.

Louie, Louie

Louie, Louie,
Louie, Louie.

What do you mean,
I'm playing with stolen money?

Yeah.

( groaning )

If you lose now,
you're in big trouble.

All right.

That's fine.

Makes the game
a lot more interesting.

He sees your bet,

and raises you...

another...

$450.

Louie, I told you I was all in.

So fold.

You take a check?

Okay, you won't.

Here, my airline ticket.

It's worth $150.

What do you give me
for a $300 watch?

$80.

Great, I only
paid $50 for it.

Yeah?

That's $80,
and 150

is $230.

I give that
guy $20 for
his shoes;

that makes
it $250.

I don't want
his shoes.

I want my shoes.

It's Christmas, Louie,
take his shoes.

Okay, but
you're still
$200 short.

Well, let me think.

Let me do it for you.

The way I figure it,

three weeks for Ma
in Vegas is worth $200.

You want me to bet Ma?

You win?
You're off the hook.

You lose?
You take her with you.

You're betting
on our own mother.

Right.

$300, Two weeks.

That stinks.

Two weeks for $200.

$100 a week.

All right.

I raise a week.

I don't believe this.

Okay.

We see your week

and raise you
another $200.

Are you crazy?

I can't take her
for five weeks.

100 is for hugs and kisses
every day she's there.

$50, You take her out to dinner
twice a week to someplace fancy,

not no taco palace.

And the last $50

you take her
to one of those

splashy floor shows
they got out there.

Is anybody
keeping this
straight?

Yeah, I
got it.

It's $4,350,
three weeks
in Vegas

six meals,
one floor show,

one plane ticket,
one watch

and a pair
of shoes.

Oh, yeah, and the
hugs and kisses.

You get
all that?

Hmm?

I call.

What do you got?

Aces and Jacks.

Three sixes,
you lose.

I lose?

You lose!

I'll have Ma packed
and waiting for you.

* Hallelujah!

( children singing
"Hallelujah" chorus )

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah,
Hallelujah, Hallelujah *

* Hallelujah, Hallelujah,
Hallelujah... *

* Silent night

* Holy night

* All is calm

* All is bright

* Round yon virgin,
mother and child... *

Oh, thank you.

* Holy infant
so tender and mild... *

Hey, Louie.

* Sleep in heavenly peace

* Sleep in heavenly peace

* Sleep in heavenly peace

* Sleep in heavenly peace.

* Joy to the world,
the Lord is come *

* Let Earth receive her King

* Let every heart
prepare Him room *

* And heaven and nature sing

* And heaven and nature sing

* And heaven and nature sing

* Joy to the world

* The Lord is come

* Let Earth receive her King

* Let every heart

* Prepare Him room...

* Let heaven and nature sing.

WOMAN:
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Walters.

( grunts )