Taxi (1978–1983): Season 1, Episode 10 - Men Are Such Beasts - full transcript

Tony is tormented by a crazy, pill-popping, one-time love interest who refuses to break up with him and gets a job at the garage just to be with him.

( theme music playing )

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Latka.

How you doing?

Oh... ( speaking
native language )

Well, I got a little problem.

Oh...

( speaking native language )

Well, there's
this girl...

( speaking
native language )

Well, I met her
a couple of weeks ago.



She's a cab driver, too.

Works out of the Bronx.

We were both
in the line at Kennedy

and we got to talking
and we went for breakfast...

( speaking native language )

Right-- one thing
led to another.

So, I've been seeing her
for a couple of weeks

and I'm not so sure I want
to go on seeing her.

( asks question )

Can I just tell her?

I mean, I think she likes me.

I don't want to hurt the girl.

( speaking native language )

You're right, the longer I wait



the tougher it's
going to get, but...

You're right. I just got
to take care of it today.

( speaking
native language )

I will, Latka,
I will, all right.

Hey, Latka, tell me something.

How come I never understand
a single word you say,

yet I always know
what you're talking about?

Oh...

( speaking
native language )

Uh... uh...

( speaking
native language )

Yeah, that must be it.

Hey, Alex.

Louie, I just had
an accident in 723.

What? Are you
okay, man?

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

One thing at a time.

Where's the cab?

It's upstairs.

Latka, go on up and
check out the damage.

I want a complete report.

Was anybody hurt?

No, no.
It's no big deal.

I just dented my fender

and knocked in the side
of a parked car.

It shouldn't be more
than $700-800.

A parked car?

Yeah.

Alex Rieger, 180,000 miles
without an accident,

voted "New York Cabbie
of the Month" August 1977,

just rams into
a parked car?

Louie, I just couldn't help it!

I was going
down 72nd street

and as I was approaching
Third Avenue,

this dog runs out
in front of my cab.

Either I hit the dog

or swerve and
hit this Cordoba

that was parked there.

Wait a minute.

You mean, you had a choice
of running over some mutt

and ramming into a Cordoba?

A Chrysler Cordoba
with Corinthian leather?

And you chose...

You made a conscious choice

to hit the Cordoba?

Where are your values, Rieger?

Hey, Louie, why don't you
just lay off him, all right?

Yeah, he feels
bad enough.

( growls )

Were there
any witnesses?

No.

What about the owner
of the parked car?

He wasn't there.
I left a note
on his windshield.

Ooh, you left a note
on his windshield.

Yeah.

Oh, good thinking, Rieger.

Otherwise, he might not know
where to reach us

and we couldn't pay
for the damages.

Smart, smart.

Louie, you have
to leave a note.

It's the law.

Well, sure it's the law.

It's also the law you
can't spit in public.

You have such an elegant way of
making a point, you know that?

Come on, let's get breakfast.

$700 damage just to
avoid hitting a dog.

I mean, if you'd
have swerved

to avoid hitting
an old lady,

I could understand.

I'm not saying
I'd agree,

but I could understand.

But a dog.

( growls )

You know, that was
my first accident

in almost six years
of driving a cab.

Well, look at it this way--
you're not a virgin anymore.

Yeah, I lost my bumper.

Hey, Tony,
over here.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Tony.

Hey, I can only sit down
for a minute.

I'm meeting Denise
here for breakfast.

JOHN:
Hey, you want
some coffee?

Yeah, please.

Hey, Bobby,
maybe you can help me.

I got to tell Denise I don't
want to see her anymore.

I don't know how to do it
without hurting her.

Ooh...

That kind of thing's
never easy to do.

I tell you what.
This is what you do.

You put all the blame
on yourself, right?

You tell her that you're
not worthy of her, you know,

that she can do better.

Nah, she'd
never buy that.

I've been trying

to figure out a way
to do this all week.

Anybody got
any suggestions?

Hey, Elaine, what
do guys usually do

when they want
to get rid of you?

Thanks a lot.

You know what
I mean, Elaine.

Tony, just be honest.

Just tell her how you feel
and then take your lumps.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Hey, Alex, you ever
have to break up

with a woman
you were close to?

Oh, what am I saying.
He was married.

I mean, do you remember

what you said to your wife
to break up with her?

Yeah, I remember what I said.

I said, "Why is that man
wearing my pajamas?"

DENISE:
Tony?

Hi, Denise.

Hi, baby.

Let's sit over there.

Aren't you going
to introduce me to your friends?

There doesn't seem
to be much point.

Okay.

Denise, this is Elaine,
Alex, Bobby and John.

Hi, how are you?

Well, we were just leaving.

Have a nice
breakfast.

It was nice
knowing you.

You want some?

No, thanks.

Sure?

Help you stay awake,

take a few pounds off
or do the 100 in 9.7.

You know I don't do
that kind of junk.

So how you doing, honey?

I'm okay.

Denise, I got
something to say.

I wish there was a...

a smarter way to
lead up to this.

I don't think we should
see each other anymore.

Well...

There might have been
some smarter ways

of leading up
to that, Tony.

I mean, some guys
would have tried

to soften me up with
a lot of flattery.

Or they might
have made up

some long,
involved story.

Not you.

You just came
right out with it.

I can't say you weren't
straight with me.

I guess that's what I've
always liked about you.

Thanks.

That's also why I'm
never gonna let you go.

( Latka singing
in native language )

* ...taxi, honey...

( continues singing
in native language )

Hey, Rieger.

You got to help me
so I can fill out

this property
damage report.

Oh, not the box
again, Louie.

Come on over here.

What's he doing?

They're going to
reenact the accident.

It's company policy--
it's fun.

Hold the box here.

Okay
Latka watch?

Here, sit down.

All right.

Now, here's
72nd Street

where it intersects
with Third Avenue.

That's right.

Now, we got a
stoplight here.

Right.

All right.

Okay, what color
was the light?

The light
was green.

( stoplight dings )

All right.

It's green.

All right.

Now, you were
traveling west
on 72nd street?

Right.

Now, were there people
in the streets?

Yeah, there were a few,
it was early in the morning.

Now, where'd the
dog come from?

About over here.

All right.

I don't have a dog.

What's that
over there?

It's not a dog.

It's a gun,
it's a gun.

Here, here.

No cockroaches,
Latka.

Get that cockroach
out of there.

Sorry to bother you.

All right, I got a baby.

We'll use the baby for the dog.

Okay.

I'm traveling
in this direction

at about 30 miles an hour.

I notice the light is green,

so I start to speed up
so I can make it

and just then, all of a sudden,

this dog runs out
in the middle of the road,

so I swerve to my right and I
hit this parked car right here.

My right fender hits the door
on the driver's side.

I carom off and I come
to a stop about there.

And the dog runs off,
I don't know, somewhere.

And that was it.

Phew!

Thank you very much.

Hey, Tony.

Hi, everybody.

BOBBY:
How'd it go with Denise
this morning?

JOHN:
Yeah, how'd it go?

Well, it didn't go exactly
like I thought it would.

Well, you told her

you wanted to break
up with her, didn't you?

Yeah, I told her.
Just like you said--

straight and honest.

But she said she wasn't
going to let me go.

What does that mean?
She wasn't going to let you go?

She didn't believe me.

She kept telling me we were
really good for each other.

and that whatever I was
feeling now, I'd get over.

I kept telling her, "I'm
not going to get over it."

But I couldn't convince her.

She kept asking me to come
back to her room with her.

Oh. But you didn't
go, did you?

Yeah, I mean,
it was the toughest scene

I've ever been through.

Right there in the restaurant,

she started kissing me
on the neck,

stuff like that--
nibbling on my fingers.

It wasn't easy to say no.

Did you ever see
The Wizard of Oz?

Yeah.

What's that got to do with it?

Well, remember
the Wicked Witch of the West?

The one with the green face

and the big nose
and that ugly wart on her chin?

Yeah.

Well, I just closed my eyes

and tried to pretend it was her
doing all that stuff to me.

Pretended it was that ugly witch
sucking my fingers.

I pretended it was that ugly
witch blowing in my ear.

And I pretended it was that ugly
witch with her hand on my knee.

And then...

And then what?

I got to thinking-- who cares
how ugly the witch is?

Tony, you mean
you went with her?

No, Elaine, I didn't.

I realized, you know, if I did,
I'd never end this relationship.

From somewhere,
I don't know where,

but I got the strength
to say no.

What did Denise do?

Well, I really must have
surprised her.

She didn't think
I had it in me either.

She just got up
and left the restaurant.

I guess she finally realized

that when I said it was over,
I meant it was over.

Hey, Tony, you
did real good, man.

Yeah, I'll say.

It was the only way.

TONY:
And I'll tell you something,
it wasn't easy.

All right, all right,
we got a lot of cabs here.

Hey, Nardo, you got 708.

Wheeler, 204.

All right.

Rieger, 509.

Burns, 311, Burns.

Banta, 682.

All right.

Hey, Latka,
get 246 ready.

I'm giving it
to the new driver.

What new driver?

That one.

Hi, Tony.

Geela, you got 916.

Rutherford, you got...

Here you go, Louie.

You booked $19 today?

A one and a nine?

Louie, leave me alone, man.

I got enough problems.

Listen, Banta, I can make life
really rough for you

if I wanted to, but you're
Italian and I'm Italian.

So I'm going
to tell you

just like I'd tell
my own brother--

you better smarten up, meatball.

Hi, honey.

Yeah, hi.

Here you go, Louie.

$217?

Hey, you losers hear this?

This sweet young bimbo
just booked $217.

A new Sunshine Cab
company record.

Congratulations, Denise.

I'd shake your hand, but
I'm afraid I'd get you hot.

Thanks, Louie.

What's that you're taking?

Just a couple of bennies
and a black beauty.

What?

You know, uppers.

What are you doing?

I know about
those things.

They can be
hell on you.

They can ruin
your health,

destroy your body.

Why are you
taking them?

It's how I can work
18 hours straight

and book so much.

You got enough I can
give the other guys?

ELAINE:
I'll take three.

BOBBY:
All right.

And then I'll
take three.

Three.

I'll take three.

I got one.

ELAINE:
Okay, I open a quarter.

I raise you
a quarter.

I raise you 50 cents.

All right by me,
I see you.

I see you.

I see you.

I see you.

Come on, Denise,
give me a break.

That's lousy, the way
she keeps bugging him.

JOHN:
Okay, my deal.

LOUIE:
Hey, Rieger.

What?

Move it, the
boss is upstairs

waiting for you.

He wants to talk to you
about the accident.

Yeah, I figured
he would.

Anybody got
an aspirin?

I got a miserable
headache.

Baby aspirin.

Yeah, take one of these.

That doesn't look
like aspirin.

Well, it works
just the same.

I take them all the time
when I get a headache.

You better take
another one.

Thanks-- okay.

How's your
headache?

Hey, I just took the
pills two seconds ago.

You can't expect...

What headache?

What kind of pills are those?

They're called black beauties.

Oh, great, I'll have
to remember that

when I go to
the drugstore.

Hey, wait a minute,
that's amphetamines, isn't it?

Yeah.

I read about those.

Those are poison.
You can kill somebody.

You just gave me two of those?

Alex, the boss
is waiting.

Yeah, Louie, I'm going.

You know, I never took
anything like that before.

Oh, I thought it would
really be strong,

but I don't feel anything.

I guess I must have
a pretty tough system.

I thought it would
really hit me,

but I don't seem
to feel anything.

I don't feel any different
then I ever felt.

I seem to keep
talking, you know?

But I've talked before
and even if I am

talking more now
than I usually do,

I could stop
anytime I want.

There, I just stopped.

I just stopped again.

Hi, Tony.

Hi, Bobby! Hi, Elaine!
Hi, John! Hi, Louie!

You got my cab?

You just came in.

You're going up
to see the boss.

Right-- bye, Louie.

Bye, John! Bye, Elaine!
Bye, Bobby! Bye, Tony!

* Bye-bye, love,
bye-bye, happiness *

* Hello, loneliness

* I think I'm going to die.

Denise, why you giving him
that stuff?

Bad enough you
got to take it.

You got to make
everybody crazy?

Is that what it is?

Is that what's wrong
between us, Tony?

You don't like
me taking pills?

Why didn't
you say so?

Man, I'll never take
another pill as
long as I live.

There.

Hey, what are you guys, crazy?

Denise, it ain't
just the pills.

It's us.

You and me.

Got to end.

It will never end, Tony.

Okay.

Hey, Louie, you got
to fire Denise.

What are you, crazy?

My best booker?

Fire her?

I want to breed her.

Hey, Louie, either you
fire Denise or I quit.

Now, let me think about that.

I thought about it.

It was nice working with you.

Hey, wait a minute, Louie.

You know that chick
only took this job

so she could bug Tony, man.
I mean this whole thing stinks.

I ain't been
happy coming to work

since she's been here.

Now, if you keep her and let him
go, I'm going to quit, too.

That I don't even
have to think about.

Bye-bye, Bobby.

And you can say good-bye to me,
too, Louie.

JOHN:
Yeah, and me, too.

( speaking native language )

Yeah.

So if you let
Tony go

the four
of us quit.

So let it be written,
so let it be done.

Why you quitting?

( speaking native language )

Sounds good enough for me.

If they quit,
we quit, too.

ALL:
Yeah.

( all chanting in
Latka's native language )

Get back, get
back, all of you!

Get back!

Now, listen to me
and listen to me good.

I'm drawing a line here.

Now, you see that line?
You see it?

Look at it,
look at it.

Because if just one of youse
steps one foot across that line,

I'll have
to fire her.

I'm going
to fire her.

Hey, you pill popper,
you're fired.

Get out of here.

( all cheer )

All right.

All right, Tony.

Maybe I can't
work with you...

But you have to go
home sometimes...

and when you do,

you're going
to find me there.

And if you go out to eat,

you're going to find me
there, too.

And if you go
to the movies

or you go bowling,
just look around,

because, baby,
I'm not giving you up.

Hey, Elaine,
what am I going to do?

I can't handle this.

Tony, if you want
to get rid of her,

you're gonna have
to be mean.

You're going to
have to hurt her.

I don't know if I can.

I was raised by my mother
and three older sisters.

I was always taught
to respect women.

Well, she doesn't
give a damn

about what she's
putting you through.

Tony, come on.

Just get as tough
as she is.

I mean, you got to stop
worrying about her feelings

and you got to start
taking care of yourself.

You're right.

Yeah.

Denise, could I have
a word with you?

Sure.

Tony, I know
what it is.

You want to apologize
and that's...

I don't want to
apologize, Denise.

You don't?

No, I don't.

Tony, listen,
I understand.

Shut up!

Just shut up
and listen.

You ain't seeing
me anymore

and I ain't seeing
you anymore.

We ain't seeing
each other anymore.

Psychologists, they got a
term for people like you.

What is it? Uh...

Oh, yeah-- you got
a screw loose.

You ever come
around here again,

I'm going to hand
you your head.

I'm sick and tired
of your face.

Now, why don't you
just take a walk?

Why don't you get out?

You heard me, out!

I love you when
you're like this.

Listen, Denise.

Tony doesn't
want to tell you

the real reason why he
can't see you anymore,

because he's afraid

the truth is going
to hurt you real bad.

The truth?

Yeah, the truth

that he's in love
with someone else.

Who?

Him.

What?

Louie, you're
a homosexual?

( growling )

I prefer to think of it
as an alternative lifestyle.

Did you really think
that I'd believe this?

I guess you really do
want to get rid of me.

I never thought
you'd stoop so low

as to make up
a lie like this.

Hey, Denise, you think
I'm stooping low now?

To get rid of you,
I'd marry him.

You make me sick.

Good-bye.

Elaine.

It worked.

Hey, Louie,
we did it, Louie.

What do you mean,
stoop so low?

Boy, you know that Mackenzie
is one great boss.

I mean, I really thought
he was going to blast me,

but he hardly said two words
to me the whole time.

I was the one
who did all the talking.

I just explained
the accident to him,

reminded him
of my good driving record,

told him why Pittsburgh was
going to win the Super Bowl

and how I'd like to see
that situation

in the Middle East cleared up,

and he just sat there the whole
time with his mouth open.

So how's everybody here?

Am I talking too loud?
No, I don't think I am.

Hey, listen, you know
Pittsburgh is gonna win.

That defense is just too strong.

Look at that backfield--
Harris, Blier,

Blier's the most
underrated halfback in the NFL.

Nobody blocks Blier.
He runs, he blocks.

He's got a pair of great hands.

Talking about hands,
what about Swann?

You can't stop him.

When Bradshaw's off,
Swann gets the ball.

And look at that
defensive line.

Do you realize
that they've only allowed

an average of three
yards per carry.

And what about
those linebackers?

You can't get through them.

You couldn't drive
a truck through them.

I mean, you can't get there.

Boy, am I going to be
sick tomorrow.

( theme music playing )

WOMAN:
Night, Mr. Walters.

( grunts )