Taskmaster NZ (2020–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Unbung - full transcript
Paul Williams has a problem with Swiss balls, our comedians get festive with a brand-new song, David Correos defends the power of the red-eyed tree frog, and we see who can best trick Jeremy.
*
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(DING!)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome to
the fourth episode of Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.
A few months ago, I forced five
talented comedians to complete
a series of tasks
that did not necessarily utilise
any of their pre-existing talents.
(LAUGHTER)
At the end of the whole taxing
season, one will be crowned
Taskmaster champion,
and they will take home
my head cast in gold,...
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
- ...forged by the team at a much
cheaper West Auckland equivalent
of Weta Workshop.
(LAUGHTER)
Our comedians, like every week,
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I'd like to take this
moment to give a shout-out
to the essential workers,
Taskmasters' assistants.
(LAUGHTER)
The last year and a half has
proven just how vital they are.
(LAUGHTER)
One I'm particularly fond of is my
own one, and that's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So tell us about this week's
prize task, Paul.
- This week, I hope
the police aren't watching,
because we've asked them to bring in
the most impressive stolen item.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- I won't nark
if you won't nark, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, let's start with Guy.
- I have the highest honour
that can be bestowed in the
British honours system.
I've actually stolen
a Victoria Cross.
(LAUGHTER)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh-ho!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- So obviously, the material item
is incredible, but for me,
I think the main thing
I've stolen there is the valour.
(LAUGHTER)
- You don't know whose it was?
- Well, I do. It would be incredibly
incriminating to saywhose.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- David.
- I stole the shoe
rack from my flat.
(LAUGHTER)
Last night was when they
found out I had stolen it.
(LAUGHTER)
Here's the group chat message.
READS: 'Who moved the shoe rack?
'Not me. I was very confused
when I saw that too lol.
'What the fuck?
'Timbs are missing.'
Followed by...
'David. Is this your stolen item?'
(LAUGHTER)
'David, you fuck.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt, what did you bring in?
- There's a part of TVNZ.
It's known as the bowels,
and I was shooting a TV show there,
and I went the wrong way on the way
back from the toilet,
and I ended up in this room full of
artefacts from ancient TV shows.
And this won't mean anything
to this side here,...
(LAURA LAUGHS)
...but I found the Top Town trophy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That is the actual Top Town trophy,
nicked it out of TVNZ.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, you know that
this is a TVNZ show?
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but they won't watch,
will they?
It's actually pretty rubbish, isn't
it? For a trophy, for a whole town,
for the most popular show
in the country.
- Also, I'm not sure we can
be critiquing... trophies.
- Yeah.
- LAURA: Yeah. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Laura.
What did you bring in?
- I stole Paul's girlfriend.
- AUDIENCE: Whoo!
- (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
We went on a date, we had
a magical time, we kissed, we had
candyfloss; I've stolen her heart.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you find that amusing, Jeremy?
- I think that's fantastic.
- You know what else is fantastic?
Um, I also stole your girl.
(LAUGHTER)
- URZILA: Whoo!
I really wanna win now.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- URZILA: Yeah! Yeah, whoo!
- Were you laughing?
- No, I don't laugh (!)
- Oh, OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, it's probably good that
you weren't laughing because,
um, I also took your girl.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
You find that amusing, David?
- What the fuck?!
- I also took your girl.
(LAUGHTER)
- What?!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- We hung out outside
a Royal Oak PAK'nSAVE.
(LAUGHTER)
- I know the one!
I take her there too.
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt.
- Yeah.
- It did take a while to track your
girl down, but, uh, I found her.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Urzila, um, I respect you too much.
- Thanks, mate.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Very good. Urzila.
- Talk about stealing hearts ―
I recently found out that someone
is madly in love with me,
and I went over and tried to
talk sense into the person, and...
they weren't home, so I just took
a little memento and got this guy.
Yeah.
- AUDIENCE: Awww.
- What?!
- A little teddy bear.
- That's not any teddy bear.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's teddy bear is that?
- That is my teddy bear Gregory.
(LAUGHTER)
- Is it me or does Gregory
just seem a little bit sad?
- Yeah, he smells weird too, mate.
(LAUGHTER)
- To be fair, I think both Laura,
Urzila deserve highest points here,
because I think your one
was particularly good.
David deserves one point
for that shoe rack.
(LAUGHTER)
And from you, Guy, I think...
Youstole something that
you could go to jail for.
(LAUGHTER)
Youstole something that
you could be fired for.
So I think probably you
should have two points,
and I think you should have three
points, Matt. Do you wanna recap
that for idiots?
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
One point for David,
two points for Guy,
three points for Matt,
four points for Urzila,
five points for Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Let's dive into a bona fide
video task, shall we, Paul?
- Let's do it.
This task was recorded at
the beautiful Lake Taskmaster,
which is also known as
a disgusting, small pond.
(LAUGHTER)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul!
- Quite a long walk.
- Sorry.
- Fuck, this better not be
like one of those Married
at First Sight scenarios.
I'm not marrying this clown.
- Good to see ya, man.
- Good to see you.
- READS: 'Get the Swiss ball
in the kayak.'
- 'You cannot get wet.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts... now.'
- Feel like the natural thing
would be just to give it a go.
- Is it gonna bounce?
- But it's definitely gonna
bounce out, isn't it?
- (GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)
- No, I'm going to the shed.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Before we go on, I feel like
I got to get this off my chest.
Swiss balls... are way too big.
I was recently trying to play
basketball in Zurich.
(LAUGHTER)
We couldn't buy a basket.
- This task seems quite
straightforward. Who's up first?
- Here's Laura and Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(CLUNK!)
(LAUGHTER)
- I should have attached
something to the ball.
(LAUGHTER)
GROANS: Oh!
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(CLANK!)
- AUDIENCE: Ohh!
- No, come back.
Where is this current coming from?
- Paul!
- Yeah?
- Can you come here?
- OK.
- Can you run?
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- (SIGHS)
- Oh no! Yeah, I got you. I got you.
Can you get wet, Paul?
- I'd just prefer not to.
- But you can.
Should we get a stick?
- I think maybe you
should get a stick.
- No good.
- Oh! Still attached
to the ground.
- I gotta go back to the shed.
- Yeah, baby!
Can I go get some rope?
- Yeah.
- (GROANS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm comin', Paul!
- Why didn't I think of this in
the first place? I'm an idiot!
- Oh, no, not tight enough.
Aargh!
(LAUGHTER)
- I stay dry.
- Oh! Oh! Ohhh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (EXCLAIMS) Oh yes.
Yes, yes... Yes!
Yes! Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo-hoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
- So, just explain to us,
what gave you the confidence
to think that you were gonna be
able to throw it in in one go?
- If you got it in one go,
you would look like a legend,
and worth the risk.
- And what part of you, Guy, thinks
that there's a current in a pond?
(LAUGHTER)
- To be honest, when I
first went up to the shed,
and I gathered these tools,
I saw a pair of galoshes
in the corner of the shed.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
But I thought, 'I'll save
those for another task.'
(LAUGHTER)
- What was the timing, Paul?
- So, Guy ― 12.13.
Laura, 17.22.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Who else dares throw a Swiss ball
into a kayak, Paul?
- 12 minutes is the time to beat.
Here is my main man, if you exclude
my father, my brother,Jeremy,
my closest male friends,
Neil Diamond ― it's Matt Heath!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I've got a plan.
(AIR WHOOSHES)
(LAUGHTER)
What do you reckon? Underarm?
- Ohhh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- We've been working together
for a long time, and finally
I've seen something,
which actually makes me respect you.
(LAUGHTER)
- I still haven't seen anything
from you that makes me respect
you, but I...
(LAUGHTER)
But, boy, how smart, eh. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
- All you guys, and then
I just... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(LAUGHTER)
- What's the timing on that one?
- Very quick ― 3.23.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, that's pretty good,
I gotta say.
- Really good, Matty.
Really nice, really smart.
- A seriously impressive gauntlet
has been laid down.
Now, how are David and Urzila's
Swiss ball skills?
I think we're gonna find out
a little bit later on after
these messages
from various corporate entities.
We'll see you soon!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Here we go. Welcome back
to Taskmaster, where we are in the
thick of a thrilling competition.
Paul, what is going on right now?
- Our contestants are attempting
to get the Swiss ball into the kayak
the fastest without getting wet.
- Great. So who's up next?
- One is South African,
one is Filipino,
but they both like
their balls Swiss.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Here's Urzila Carlson
and David Correos.
- Oh shit.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- No! No! (YELPS)
- It is on anchors.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- (GROANS)
- (LAUGHS) Come here, buddy.
Hmm.
- Looks like it's going away.
- It actually does.
- Quite quickly.
- Oh, it's a dead end!
- Looks like it's coming back now.
- Let's try positive thinking.
- Well, what do you
want me to think?
- Positive thoughts about
the ball coming back to me.
- OK.
(CLATTERING)
- If I was just patient at the
start, I might have be able to
do this 10 minutes ago.
Gotta be picking up some pace now.
- To the wrong side.
What are you thinkin'?
- What do you mean?
- Are you doing the positive
thoughts for the ball to come
here or to go there?
- I started thinking
about those ducks.
- (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
- Make sure you don't get wet.
Go to Urzila.
Go to Urzila.
- Good thinking, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- It'll be easier...
if I deflate it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh no.
Oh no!
Nooo!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Why does this―? Aargh!
(AIR WHOOSHES)
- It's actually quite soothing.
- (PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh fuck!
(GRUNTS, PANTS)
- Here we go, Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I've done this... half-assed...
the whole time.
Fuck!
There.
(LAUGHTER)
Terrible.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- David, I don't think there's
gonna be a more harrowing image
on TV this year,
than you pulling that
saggy, deflated...
(LAUGHTER)
...Swiss ball out of
that disgusting pond.
- I thought I was a genius once
I stabbed the Swiss ball.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, let's talk about that,
because youreallytook to that.
(LAUGHTER)
- It didn't puncture
the first two times!
- There's a bung, you moron. Unbung!
(LAUGHTER)
- I'll fucking bung you soon!
(LAUGHTER)
- Things have gotten pretty
dire when you're taking tips
from Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- David was 20 minutes
and 58 seconds.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Urzila was a respectable 15.31,
which put her into third place.
One point, David. Two points, Laura.
Three points, Urzila.
Four points, Guy.
And five points to Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- After five points from that
task, out in first place with
eight points, Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, Paul. Time to
load me up with another task.
- Jeremy Wells,
I hope you're feeling festive,
because it's the most
wonderful time of the year.
(LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Aww.
- Ho! Ho! Ho!
- Meeerry Christmas!
- This is adorable! Did you do this?
- Yeah.
- Wow!
- Thank you.
- It's got my name on it.
- Bit of a Christmas fan, actually.
- Choose a present!
- Lift with your legs, eh?
- I'm gonna go for
the most glamorous one.
(HOLLOW RATTLING)
Is it a PS5?
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Ooh! Ooh.
- READS: 'Perform an original
Christmas song.'
- 'It cannot include any of
the following words ―
'Santa, joy, jingle,...'
- '...snow, reindeer, tree,...'
- '...December, North Pole, elf,...'
(CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!)
- '...jolly, holy, holly,...'
- '...Christmas or holiday.'
- 'However, it must
reference your present.'
- There's some kind of sand in here.
- 'Most festive song wins.'
- 'You have one hour.'
- I want this one.
- A muffler.
(LAUGHTER)
- What is it? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- It's literally just oats.
- Oh, it's a shoehorn! Oh, nice!
Thank you.
- (GASPS) Is this a laminator?
- I think so, yes.
- (LAUGHS)
- I've never felt more vegan
in my life.
- Are you happy with that?
- Yeah, but I wasn't
expecting anything.
- Is there a grand piano anywhere?
- Do you play the piano?
- No.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- First up, it's Matt Heath,
who remember, is technically
a professional musician.
He's released three albums
with his band, Deja Voodoo.
(CHEERING)
Remember, Matt's song must include
a reference to his gift, which was
a muffler/exhaust pipe.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy.
- Me and Paul would like to perform
a little... little song for you,
and so I hope you enjoy it in this
very special time of year, isn't it,
for Kiwis across thecountry.
(PLAYS DESCENDING NOTES)
(TAMBOURINE RATTLES, JINGLES)
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
- # Presents,
# tree,
# winter ― I'm happy
# turkey,
# stuffing, the family.
# Chicken.
# Oh!
# Who's got the mistletoe?
# Cos, baby,
# I'm comin' home.
# Oh,
# what a sight.
# I got you an exhaust
# pipe again.
# The turkey's ripe
for the plucking...
Everybody!
- BOTH: # Ho! Ho! Ho!
- # ...on this festive occasion.
- # Happy! Happy! Happy!
- # There will be no
# tasering tonight.
# Cos the family
# loves each other. #
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- And particularly,
'there will be no tasering tonight.'
(LAUGHTER)
- I thought we worked
well together, man. Like, we
could probably do something.
- OK.
- # Happy! Happy! Happy! #
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- Matt, I just wanna say,
you've been killing this episode.
You've done a great job so far.
Congratulations.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, before we move on, Paul,
can you tell me what were the words
that you couldn't use,right?
- Yes. There was quite a long list.
- Mm-hm.
- I do believe 'tree'
was one of the words.
- AUDIENCE: Oooh!
- I didn't say 'tree'.
(LAUGHTER)
- I kind of feel like I heard
something like that.
Maybe if we play back the first
two words of the song. Should we
have a listen to those?
- # Presents,
# tree... #
DISTORTED: # Tree. #
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- It was a very simple mistake,
but I should point out that Matt
practised his song seven times.
- Oh!
- In between each practice,
he reread the list.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, we've got four more festive
ditties to enjoy, but before that,
we get to enjoy three minutes
of a different type of jingle,
the advertising type.
Those are happening right now.
We'll be back in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win their own
girlfriend/wife back from
the grasp of Laura Daniel?
We will soon find out. Who has
a merry song for us next, Paul?
- Here is an acapella effort from
David Correos, who has to try to
shoehorn in his gift, a shoehorn.
(LAUGHTER)
(BELLS JINGLE)
- # I was sitting
# by the fire.
# I was wired
# and also tired.
# Smoked a joint
# and drank a coffee,
# waiting to open a present for me.
# I looked under the tall bush.
(LAUGHTER)
# Maybe I'd smoked some
really strong kush,
# cos what I saw was
a man stealing from me.
# Saint Nick,
give me back my shoehorn.
# These boots cannot be worn.
# I'll trade you some stink corn.
# St Nick,
# give them back
# to me.
(BELLS JINGLE)
# I need 'em for my family.
# That would be lovely.
# St Nick,
# give it back
# to me! #
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There you go, Matt. You
could've called it a tall bush,...
(LAUGHTER)
...stayed in the race.
- That was beautiful, man.
- URZILA: Yeah.
- I love you.
- DAVID: I love you too.
I love you too.
- Talk me through the logic here.
So, you're talking to St Nick, who's
stolen the presents from under your
tall bush.
Doesn't he give out the presents?
- That's what I thought too.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul?
- Up next with the voice of an angel
and the laminator of an angel who
wants to prolong the life of their
certificates,
it's Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LAURA: This one goes out
to all the lovers,...
- (PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES)
- ...spending time together
in the festive season.
(CHUCKLES)
Listen up.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
# It's a bright summer's day,
# cos this time in New Zealand,
# the skies are not grey.
# You've woken up beside me,
# and you're not in your sleigh,
# but before you leave this evening,
# I just wanna say, yeah,
# I wanna laminate
this calendar day.
- BOTH: # ...ay.
- # Laminate it,
and you take it away.
- BOTH: # ...ay.
- # Maybe I'd freeze time from
the laminating, and you'd stay.
# I wanna laminate
this calendar day.
- # ...ay.
- # Merry, merry Jesus birthday.
(LAUGHTER)
# He's blessed us with
laminators and clay.
# If Jesus was here,
we'd have a three-way.
# And then I'd laminate
this calendar day. #
(THUD!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Who's left, Paul?
- Next is Urzila, who received a
box full of oats, and she seemed
disappointed that it was vegan.
Is that correct?
- Look, I was just disappointed
that I had to sing,
because I'm tone deaf, and B,
I have an accent and I sing in it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's play Urzila's song. Enjoy.
- Right. Hit it, Paul.
- (PLAYS SOLEMN NOTES)
# Oh, vegan night.
# You descend on my ass
like a witch against glass.
# You make me regular at night.
# You make my shit take flight.
# Xmas time ―
I'd rather shit my pants
# or have a bout of swollen glands.
# Thank Christ for the oats,
so we can feed them goats.
# Oh, vegan night. #
Yeah, vegan night! Yeah!
That's it. That's it. Stop it.
That's my song.
Merry Xmas, vegan night.
- OK, was that it or rehearsal
- Yeah. No, that was it.
- OK.
- Do you think you can do better?
- I-I wasn't say that.
- No, I think that
wraps it up for me.
- OK.
You've still got 30 minutes and 40
seconds, but you're happy with that?
- I'm fairly confident that I'm
not gonna crush this challenge,
but I know at some point you and
I are gonna box and/or wrestle.
And I'm gonna crush that one.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Thank you, Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I think I speak
for everyone when I say that there
was nothing good about that at all.
(LAUGHTER)
- I could not agree with you more.
- Why did you turn your shoulder
to Paul and sort of sing around
the corner?
- Oh, I was being sexy.
(LAUGHTER)
I think that's how
straight people do it.
(LAUGHTER)
- We've got one song to go,
is that right?
- We do, and he'd like to wish you
a Guy Montgo-merry Christmas.
(LAUGHTER)
- This is Guy Montgomery and Paul
Williams with the Festive Fox.
# Well, he's the festive little fox,
# and he's quite unorthodox.
# But he's giving out the presents
# for this year.
# It's Decembre vingt-quatre,
# and morale needs a jump-start,
# for young Guy, well,
he knows the cupboard's bare.
# But the fox won't let that be.
# He's got treats for all, you see.
# And he will not stop till
all have had their share.
# For Guy's mother needs an oven,
# and the father needs some lovin',
# and the sisters,
a trip to the county fair.
# So the fox, he fucks Guy's dad,
# and the mother is quite mad,
# till she sees oven
beneath the chandelier.
# And the sisters leave the house.
# All is quiet as a mouse.
# But there's nothing yet for Guy.
# No, nothing here.
# This clever little fox
# leaves a six-plug multibox,
# and young Guy,
# he's no longer in despair.
# Everyone got what they need ―
# for the fox, a glass of mead,
# for his work is now quite
finished for the year.
# And he looks upon young Guy,
# both their hearts
are filled with glee.
# And between just you and me,
# here's what he said.
HIGH-PITCHED: 'Well, it's
pretty tough work being a fox,
'but when I see your family with
all these treats bestowed upon them
'and the oven plugs into
the multibox just perfect, it all
makes it all worthwhile, really.
'See you next year, everybody!'
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is a terrifying
insight into the Montgomery family
Christmas right there, I reckon.
- Yeah, I remember them with
mixed memories, really.
Mum was always scuppering
around for an oven,
and Dad would be out the back
just absolutely going hammer
and tongs on a fox.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I got Paul with that.
(LAUGHTER)
- You've also got Paul
on your T-shirt, I see.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Fitting with the theme,
which I didn't know would be the
case.
This is young Paul as a chorister.
I mean, I've got a treasure trove
of Paul backstage.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Matt, you get one. I'm not
gonna completely disqualify you.
I'll still give you one point.
- Actually, I deserve one.
I'll give my two points to Matt.
- That makes three.
- Cos it was a beautiful song.
He had a beautiful song.
I'll take one; he can have my two.
- OK.
- So...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Very festive.
- So, Urzila's taking the one point,
and Matt's―
- Urzila gets one. Matt gets two.
David gets three.
And then Guy four and Laura five,
I think, for that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Right, pour yourselves an eggnog and
leave some live chickens out for the
festive little fox,
because we'll be back very shortly
with more tasks. See you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five weird and wonderful
minds are battling it out
to win a medal Guy Montgomery
stole from a dead war hero.
(LAUGHTER)
TV does not get
any better than this.
What's next, Paul?
- We're heading back
to the Taskmaster house.
But I must warn everyone ―
something about this next
task is a little fishy.
(UPBEAT STRING MUSIC)
- Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.
- This is a terrifying room.
- Hello.
- Hello, Guy.
- It's me.
- I know.
- Ooh!
- Finally!
This is my buzz.
- Can I take it?
- You may.
- Mean.
- I want to eat one.
But I shan't.
- READS: 'Shoot a chocolate fish
into the fish bowl.'
- 'You must say the name of
a different animal with each shot.'
- 'Your first successful shot
is your animal.'
- 'Most powerful animal wins.'
- Ooh! OK! (LAUGHS)
- I reckon I'm gonna get down to,
like, insects.
- It's a good task.
- I know.
- I like animals,
and I love chocolate fish.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'm thinking physical strength
is gonna be winner for me here,
but I'm happy to be swayed by
a convincing argument. Who's first?
- Being singled out for the third
time this episode, this could go
either way, here's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- 'Your time starts... now.'
Blue whale.
(DINK!)
Tiger.
(SPLAT!)
Liger.
(THWACK!)
Otter.
(CLINK!)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Why'd you say otter?
- I don't― I shouldn't
have said otter.
I was just throwing one away
as a practice shot. Otter.
Otter.
- What would've been
your dream animal?
- Horse.
(LAUGHTER)
Otter. That's gonna live
with me for a long time.
Thanks, Paul.
- Thank you, Matt.
(APPLAUSE)
- Otter.
- Otter. Matt...
- Where did that otter come from?
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, your dream animal,
interestingly...
- I love a horse.
- Yeah.
Other kids had imaginary friends
when they were growing up;
Matt had an imaginary pony.
- Mm.
- A pink pony called
Starlight Macintosh.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAURA LAUGHS: Really?
- I actually shared that
with you in confidence.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul?
- Can anyone beat an otter?
The answer is almost definitely
yes, but let's take a look anyway.
Here's Guy and Laura.
- It's not gonna take this many fish
for me to get a fish in the bowl.
Can you imagine?
- Yeah.
- It would be humiliating.
Look at this ― mouse.
- Practice shot ― I'm gonna
start easy. Uh... Fish.
(THWACK!)
Cool, great.
- Would you like a fish?
- I'm fine, thank you.
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm working.
- Kitten.
(DINK!)
(EXHALES) Work your way up the
animals, Laura. I'm getting closer.
- Mastiff.
(THWACK!)
- Dog.
(THUD!)
Panther.
(THWACK!)
- Oh, can I please
get a pen and a piece of paper?
- There's probably some upstairs.
What's your favourite animal?
- A cat.
- Me too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- My cat Martin?
- My cat.
- Your cat.
- Sam.
- OK.
- Ideally, I'm gonna
land on blue whale.
- What would be your
dream powerful animal?
- Elephant. It could hold people.
It could hold both of us.
I don't wanna put both of us on it,
cos I don't think elephants should
be ridden. I'm a vegetarian.
- You know that saying
'an elephant never forgets'?
- Mm-hm.
- Can an elephant have amnesia?
- Not sure.
- Cos if they can't, we've gotta
destigmatise that for a start.
- Mm.
- Leopard.
(THWACK!)
- Ooh.
- Well, don't put a camera there.
That's not my fault.
- Oh, no, I was―
- It's absolutely not my fault.
- No, I know.
- A lion.
(DINK!)
Oh!
- Hippogriff.
- Jaguar.
(DINK!)
Ooh.
- You seemed a little disappointed.
- Well, I've told you what I wanted.
I was building up to blue whale.
I didn't think I was
gonna be that good.
- Red panda.
(DINK!)
Shit! Shit! Shit! (LAUGHS)
- Are you happy with that?
- No, I'm not happy with that.
That's not the strongest animal.
- But a jaguar is strong.
Jaguar coming in here would destroy
you, tear you limb from limb,
and not me, cos I'd say, 'Well,
I listed you as a strong animal,
'and in doing so, you motivated
me to succeed, so you and I are
allies.'
- I don't think it
would understand that.
- Yeah, it would.
- Thank you, Laura.
- Pescatarian.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Knowing what we know now, Guy,
you must be very pleased with
the jaguar.
- Well, yeah, but
I set my standards a little bit
higher than just beating Matt.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, we know that
Laura's got a red panda.
- So far, the strongest in looks.
(LAUGHTER)
A very attractive, beautiful animal,
the red panda.
- The red panda has
reddish-brown fur,
a long shaggy tail
and a waddling gait.
(LAUGHTER)
So Jeremy will be
ranking them in terms of how
powerful he thinks they are,
and then after the show when the
camera's off, we are gonna fight
the animals in the car park.
- Yes.
- OK, two more to go.
- Last but not least, we have
David Correos and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Uh...
Cat.
(THWACK!)
Oh!
That was close, right?
- Elephant.
- Elephant.
- BOTH: Lion. Giraffe. Monkey.
Gorilla.
- Eel.
(THWACK!)
Fuuuuuuck.
- Let me think.
When you go into the zoo... Meerkat.
(DINK!)
(GROANS)
- Falcon.
Warbler.
Blue tit.
- Mark. I went to school with Mark.
He was a real fuckin' animal.
- Seal.
- Wildcat. Hippo.
(DINK! DINK! DINK!)
(GROANS)
- Killdeer.
(DINK!)
Ooh! Close. That sounded nice.
- Are you allowed to look up
animals alphabetically for me?
- OK.
- Shark. Clam.
Mussel. Oyster.
- Affenpinscher.
- Affenpinscher.
That sounds like...
(DINK!)
...something you get
a jail term form.
- Whale.
(SIGHS)
Gecko.
- American Alsatian.
- Can I throw more than one?
- Yeah.
- Alaskan malamute.
- Toad.
Ooh!
OK. OK.
- American pit bull terrier.
- Pit bull.
(DINK!)
Yeah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Of course I got pit bull.
I live in West Auckland, mate.
- Red-eyed tree frog.
(DINK!)
Yeah!
SLO-MO: Yeah!
Yes!
There we go.
Red-eyed tree frog.
(LAUGHTER)
- Bam!
- Thank you.
- Woof. Woof!
See ya!
- What made you go with
the red-eyed tree frog?
- Great animal.
- Would you say a powerful animal?
- Yes, because they've got powerful
legs.
- For jumping.
- Yeah, for jumping.
You ever seen an elephant jump?
- No.
- Nah. Red-eyed tree frog ―
powerful.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
Does this go up against other...?
Fuck! Oh no.
(LAUGHS)
Oh no!
You wait. You wait till we get
to the record. I'ma have debate
level...
- ...facts.
- ...facts. That's the word.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. There's some interesting
powerful animals that you were
attempting to name there ―
the oyster.
(LAUGHTER)
Urzila, you'll be happy with yours.
- So stoked. A pit bull ― that can
fuck anything up.
(LAUGHTER)
- I got some facts here, OK.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Fact number one ― red-eyed tree
frogs spend the majority of their
lives in trees.
(LAUGHTER)
Red-eyed tree frogs
are not venomous.
(LAUGHTER)
Red-eyed tree frogs can jump up
to 20 times its own body length.
(APPLAUSE)
Now, I used to be
an Olympic weightlifter. The term
'power' is strength times speed.
None of these animals even compete
per capita. We are New Zealand.
We base our whole fuckin'
personality on per capita.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Personally, I reckon, Laura,
yours is the least powerful.
The red panda is a pathetic animal.
(LAUGHTER)
So you get one.
Otter boy over here's on two.
Red-eyed tree freak comes in
with three. Pit bull four.
And then I would hate to take on
a jaguar. That would be me there.
Five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'll take that.
Thank you, Taskmaster. I'll take it.
- OK, there is one more task
to do tonight,
and it's happening right here
in our beloved Taskmaster studio.
We'll see you very shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We have one task to go before
we find out who is taking home
David Correos' flatmates' shoes.
Before we do that, Paul,
a quick points update, if you will.
- Laura's on 13, and with
15 points, Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, there's no better time
than now to head on to our stage
for our final task. Off we go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Well, well, well.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
It's time for a live task.
- That is correct, Jeremy Wells.
Who would you like to read the
live task?
- Oh, give it to Guy Montgomery.
- Thanks, Paul.
- Can you read it in
the voice of the fox?
(LAUGHTER)
- I-I actually can't...
(LAUGHTER)
...in good conscience do that.
READS: 'Carry a briefcase of either
nothing or onions across the stage
and place it on themat.
'The Taskmaster will then attempt
to guess what you are carrying ―
nothing or onions.'
(LAUGHTER)
'If he guesses correctly, you
are eliminated. If you deceive him,
you qualify for anotherround.
'Most deceptions wins.'
HIGH-PITCHED:
Sounds like a right good time.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Let's start at this end...
- Fuck.
- ...and move along to Urzila.
- WHISPERS: Good luck, man.
- All right. Let's do it. (EXHALES)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- On the mat, please, David.
- (URZILA LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I reckon that doesn't
have any onions in it.
- Onions.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Double the bluff.
- Guy Montgomery,
please choose your briefcase.
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Onions.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- Absolutely devastating.
(LAUGHTER)
- Laura Daniel.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
- (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Onions.
- Onions.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I'm gonna say onions.
- Nothing.
- Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
- Too― Too quick.
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Nothing.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
David, please begin round two.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Nothing.
- Wow!
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
- Why change a winning formula?
- No onions.
- Correct.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
If Urzila doesn't succeed,
David Correos wins the task.
(APPLAUSE)
- Absolutely 100% onions.
- You are 100%...
right.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
The winner of the task ―
David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down. Let's score.
Obviously, David came first,
so five points, so well done, David.
- Thank you. Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Urzila and Matt,
three points each.
(APPLAUSE)
And I think Guy and Laura,
one point each.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, that's quite nice.
- It's not nothing.
- So how does that affect
our overall points table
for the series, Paul?
- In first place, with the funniest
amount of points you can have, 69 ―
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- DAVID: Yes!
- So that's the overall series
standings, but, of course, there is
the all-important tonight's winner.
- Yes. 13 points for David.
14 points for Laura.
But the winner, with 16 points ―
Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yes!
- Congratulations, man.
- Oh, so relieved.
I get my girlfriend back.
And your wife.
(LAUGHTER)
- That's right; Guy get up on that
stage and enjoy your stolen stuff,
you low-down, dirty criminal.
(LAUGHTER)
What a journey of discovery
we've been on today.
We've become acquainted with the
inflatable balls of Switzerland;
we've familiarised ourselves with
the pagan talking fox rituals of
the Montgomery family;
and most importantly, we've
discovered that our winner for
episode four is Guy Montgomery!
Well done, Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We'll see you next time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Can you give me a B?
- (BLOWS NOTE)
- It's OK, Paul. It's just a bee.
- If you're as keen as a bean,...
- Beans, beans, beans, beans.
- Come feel my bean, Paul.
- ...you're gonna love this task.
- You're a fuck, but you're
a brilliant little fuck.
- URZILA: Yeah, yeah.
(WHEEL CLICKS)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
- (SNORTS)
- (BLUBBERS LIPS)
- (GASPS)
(KEYS CLACK)
(CLUNK!)
(SPLASH!)
(THUD!)
(KEYS CLACK)
- (GROANS)
(POP!)
I'm peeing in the water.
- Whoo-hoo!
- Gotta be faster than that!
(KEYS CLACK)
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
(SPLASH!)
(WHEEL CLICKS)
- (EXHALES)
(CLUNK!)
(DING!)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
- Kia ora koutou katoa. Welcome to
the fourth episode of Taskmaster.
My name is Jeremy Wells,
and I am the Taskmaster.
A few months ago, I forced five
talented comedians to complete
a series of tasks
that did not necessarily utilise
any of their pre-existing talents.
(LAUGHTER)
At the end of the whole taxing
season, one will be crowned
Taskmaster champion,
and they will take home
my head cast in gold,...
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Whoo!
- ...forged by the team at a much
cheaper West Auckland equivalent
of Weta Workshop.
(LAUGHTER)
Our comedians, like every week,
are David Correos,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Guy Montgomery,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Laura Daniel,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...Matt Heath...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
...and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I'd like to take this
moment to give a shout-out
to the essential workers,
Taskmasters' assistants.
(LAUGHTER)
The last year and a half has
proven just how vital they are.
(LAUGHTER)
One I'm particularly fond of is my
own one, and that's Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
So tell us about this week's
prize task, Paul.
- This week, I hope
the police aren't watching,
because we've asked them to bring in
the most impressive stolen item.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- I won't nark
if you won't nark, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
OK, let's start with Guy.
- I have the highest honour
that can be bestowed in the
British honours system.
I've actually stolen
a Victoria Cross.
(LAUGHTER)
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: Oh-ho!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- What?
- So obviously, the material item
is incredible, but for me,
I think the main thing
I've stolen there is the valour.
(LAUGHTER)
- You don't know whose it was?
- Well, I do. It would be incredibly
incriminating to saywhose.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- David.
- I stole the shoe
rack from my flat.
(LAUGHTER)
Last night was when they
found out I had stolen it.
(LAUGHTER)
Here's the group chat message.
READS: 'Who moved the shoe rack?
'Not me. I was very confused
when I saw that too lol.
'What the fuck?
'Timbs are missing.'
Followed by...
'David. Is this your stolen item?'
(LAUGHTER)
'David, you fuck.'
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt, what did you bring in?
- There's a part of TVNZ.
It's known as the bowels,
and I was shooting a TV show there,
and I went the wrong way on the way
back from the toilet,
and I ended up in this room full of
artefacts from ancient TV shows.
And this won't mean anything
to this side here,...
(LAURA LAUGHS)
...but I found the Top Town trophy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That is the actual Top Town trophy,
nicked it out of TVNZ.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, you know that
this is a TVNZ show?
- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, but they won't watch,
will they?
It's actually pretty rubbish, isn't
it? For a trophy, for a whole town,
for the most popular show
in the country.
- Also, I'm not sure we can
be critiquing... trophies.
- Yeah.
- LAURA: Yeah. (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Laura.
What did you bring in?
- I stole Paul's girlfriend.
- AUDIENCE: Whoo!
- (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
We went on a date, we had
a magical time, we kissed, we had
candyfloss; I've stolen her heart.
(LAUGHTER)
Do you find that amusing, Jeremy?
- I think that's fantastic.
- You know what else is fantastic?
Um, I also stole your girl.
(LAUGHTER)
- URZILA: Whoo!
I really wanna win now.
- Yeah! (LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
- URZILA: Yeah! Yeah, whoo!
- Were you laughing?
- No, I don't laugh (!)
- Oh, OK.
(LAUGHTER)
Well, it's probably good that
you weren't laughing because,
um, I also took your girl.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
You find that amusing, David?
- What the fuck?!
- I also took your girl.
(LAUGHTER)
- What?!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
- We hung out outside
a Royal Oak PAK'nSAVE.
(LAUGHTER)
- I know the one!
I take her there too.
(LAUGHTER)
- Matt.
- Yeah.
- It did take a while to track your
girl down, but, uh, I found her.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Urzila, um, I respect you too much.
- Thanks, mate.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Very good. Urzila.
- Talk about stealing hearts ―
I recently found out that someone
is madly in love with me,
and I went over and tried to
talk sense into the person, and...
they weren't home, so I just took
a little memento and got this guy.
Yeah.
- AUDIENCE: Awww.
- What?!
- A little teddy bear.
- That's not any teddy bear.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's teddy bear is that?
- That is my teddy bear Gregory.
(LAUGHTER)
- Is it me or does Gregory
just seem a little bit sad?
- Yeah, he smells weird too, mate.
(LAUGHTER)
- To be fair, I think both Laura,
Urzila deserve highest points here,
because I think your one
was particularly good.
David deserves one point
for that shoe rack.
(LAUGHTER)
And from you, Guy, I think...
Youstole something that
you could go to jail for.
(LAUGHTER)
Youstole something that
you could be fired for.
So I think probably you
should have two points,
and I think you should have three
points, Matt. Do you wanna recap
that for idiots?
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
One point for David,
two points for Guy,
three points for Matt,
four points for Urzila,
five points for Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Let's dive into a bona fide
video task, shall we, Paul?
- Let's do it.
This task was recorded at
the beautiful Lake Taskmaster,
which is also known as
a disgusting, small pond.
(LAUGHTER)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hello, David.
- Hello, Paul!
- Quite a long walk.
- Sorry.
- Fuck, this better not be
like one of those Married
at First Sight scenarios.
I'm not marrying this clown.
- Good to see ya, man.
- Good to see you.
- READS: 'Get the Swiss ball
in the kayak.'
- 'You cannot get wet.'
- 'Fastest wins.'
- 'Your time starts... now.'
- Feel like the natural thing
would be just to give it a go.
- Is it gonna bounce?
- But it's definitely gonna
bounce out, isn't it?
- (GRUNTS AGGRESSIVELY)
- No, I'm going to the shed.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Before we go on, I feel like
I got to get this off my chest.
Swiss balls... are way too big.
I was recently trying to play
basketball in Zurich.
(LAUGHTER)
We couldn't buy a basket.
- This task seems quite
straightforward. Who's up first?
- Here's Laura and Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(CLUNK!)
(LAUGHTER)
- I should have attached
something to the ball.
(LAUGHTER)
GROANS: Oh!
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(CLANK!)
- AUDIENCE: Ohh!
- No, come back.
Where is this current coming from?
- Paul!
- Yeah?
- Can you come here?
- OK.
- Can you run?
- OK.
(LAUGHTER)
- (SIGHS)
- Oh no! Yeah, I got you. I got you.
Can you get wet, Paul?
- I'd just prefer not to.
- But you can.
Should we get a stick?
- I think maybe you
should get a stick.
- No good.
- Oh! Still attached
to the ground.
- I gotta go back to the shed.
- Yeah, baby!
Can I go get some rope?
- Yeah.
- (GROANS)
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm comin', Paul!
- Why didn't I think of this in
the first place? I'm an idiot!
- Oh, no, not tight enough.
Aargh!
(LAUGHTER)
- I stay dry.
- Oh! Oh! Ohhh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (EXCLAIMS) Oh yes.
Yes, yes... Yes!
Yes! Yes!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo-hoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- (LAUGHS)
- So, just explain to us,
what gave you the confidence
to think that you were gonna be
able to throw it in in one go?
- If you got it in one go,
you would look like a legend,
and worth the risk.
- And what part of you, Guy, thinks
that there's a current in a pond?
(LAUGHTER)
- To be honest, when I
first went up to the shed,
and I gathered these tools,
I saw a pair of galoshes
in the corner of the shed.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
But I thought, 'I'll save
those for another task.'
(LAUGHTER)
- What was the timing, Paul?
- So, Guy ― 12.13.
Laura, 17.22.
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Who else dares throw a Swiss ball
into a kayak, Paul?
- 12 minutes is the time to beat.
Here is my main man, if you exclude
my father, my brother,Jeremy,
my closest male friends,
Neil Diamond ― it's Matt Heath!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- I've got a plan.
(AIR WHOOSHES)
(LAUGHTER)
What do you reckon? Underarm?
- Ohhh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Whoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- We've been working together
for a long time, and finally
I've seen something,
which actually makes me respect you.
(LAUGHTER)
- I still haven't seen anything
from you that makes me respect
you, but I...
(LAUGHTER)
But, boy, how smart, eh. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER)
- All you guys, and then
I just... (BLOWS RASPBERRY)
(LAUGHTER)
- What's the timing on that one?
- Very quick ― 3.23.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, that's pretty good,
I gotta say.
- Really good, Matty.
Really nice, really smart.
- A seriously impressive gauntlet
has been laid down.
Now, how are David and Urzila's
Swiss ball skills?
I think we're gonna find out
a little bit later on after
these messages
from various corporate entities.
We'll see you soon!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Here we go. Welcome back
to Taskmaster, where we are in the
thick of a thrilling competition.
Paul, what is going on right now?
- Our contestants are attempting
to get the Swiss ball into the kayak
the fastest without getting wet.
- Great. So who's up next?
- One is South African,
one is Filipino,
but they both like
their balls Swiss.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Here's Urzila Carlson
and David Correos.
- Oh shit.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- No! No! (YELPS)
- It is on anchors.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- (GROANS)
- (LAUGHS) Come here, buddy.
Hmm.
- Looks like it's going away.
- It actually does.
- Quite quickly.
- Oh, it's a dead end!
- Looks like it's coming back now.
- Let's try positive thinking.
- Well, what do you
want me to think?
- Positive thoughts about
the ball coming back to me.
- OK.
(CLATTERING)
- If I was just patient at the
start, I might have be able to
do this 10 minutes ago.
Gotta be picking up some pace now.
- To the wrong side.
What are you thinkin'?
- What do you mean?
- Are you doing the positive
thoughts for the ball to come
here or to go there?
- I started thinking
about those ducks.
- (SIGHS IN EXASPERATION)
- Make sure you don't get wet.
Go to Urzila.
Go to Urzila.
- Good thinking, Paul.
(LAUGHTER)
- It'll be easier...
if I deflate it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Oh no.
Oh no!
Nooo!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Why does this―? Aargh!
(AIR WHOOSHES)
- It's actually quite soothing.
- (PANTS)
(GRUNTS)
Oh fuck!
(GRUNTS, PANTS)
- Here we go, Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I've done this... half-assed...
the whole time.
Fuck!
There.
(LAUGHTER)
Terrible.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- David, I don't think there's
gonna be a more harrowing image
on TV this year,
than you pulling that
saggy, deflated...
(LAUGHTER)
...Swiss ball out of
that disgusting pond.
- I thought I was a genius once
I stabbed the Swiss ball.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, let's talk about that,
because youreallytook to that.
(LAUGHTER)
- It didn't puncture
the first two times!
- There's a bung, you moron. Unbung!
(LAUGHTER)
- I'll fucking bung you soon!
(LAUGHTER)
- Things have gotten pretty
dire when you're taking tips
from Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- David was 20 minutes
and 58 seconds.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
Urzila was a respectable 15.31,
which put her into third place.
One point, David. Two points, Laura.
Three points, Urzila.
Four points, Guy.
And five points to Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- After five points from that
task, out in first place with
eight points, Matt Heath.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- All right, Paul. Time to
load me up with another task.
- Jeremy Wells,
I hope you're feeling festive,
because it's the most
wonderful time of the year.
(LAUGHTER)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Aww.
- Ho! Ho! Ho!
- Meeerry Christmas!
- This is adorable! Did you do this?
- Yeah.
- Wow!
- Thank you.
- It's got my name on it.
- Bit of a Christmas fan, actually.
- Choose a present!
- Lift with your legs, eh?
- I'm gonna go for
the most glamorous one.
(HOLLOW RATTLING)
Is it a PS5?
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
- Ooh! Ooh.
- READS: 'Perform an original
Christmas song.'
- 'It cannot include any of
the following words ―
'Santa, joy, jingle,...'
- '...snow, reindeer, tree,...'
- '...December, North Pole, elf,...'
(CLUNK! CLUNK! CLUNK!)
- '...jolly, holy, holly,...'
- '...Christmas or holiday.'
- 'However, it must
reference your present.'
- There's some kind of sand in here.
- 'Most festive song wins.'
- 'You have one hour.'
- I want this one.
- A muffler.
(LAUGHTER)
- What is it? (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- It's literally just oats.
- Oh, it's a shoehorn! Oh, nice!
Thank you.
- (GASPS) Is this a laminator?
- I think so, yes.
- (LAUGHS)
- I've never felt more vegan
in my life.
- Are you happy with that?
- Yeah, but I wasn't
expecting anything.
- Is there a grand piano anywhere?
- Do you play the piano?
- No.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- First up, it's Matt Heath,
who remember, is technically
a professional musician.
He's released three albums
with his band, Deja Voodoo.
(CHEERING)
Remember, Matt's song must include
a reference to his gift, which was
a muffler/exhaust pipe.
- Yeah.
- Enjoy.
- Me and Paul would like to perform
a little... little song for you,
and so I hope you enjoy it in this
very special time of year, isn't it,
for Kiwis across thecountry.
(PLAYS DESCENDING NOTES)
(TAMBOURINE RATTLES, JINGLES)
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
- # Presents,
# tree,
# winter ― I'm happy
# turkey,
# stuffing, the family.
# Chicken.
# Oh!
# Who's got the mistletoe?
# Cos, baby,
# I'm comin' home.
# Oh,
# what a sight.
# I got you an exhaust
# pipe again.
# The turkey's ripe
for the plucking...
Everybody!
- BOTH: # Ho! Ho! Ho!
- # ...on this festive occasion.
- # Happy! Happy! Happy!
- # There will be no
# tasering tonight.
# Cos the family
# loves each other. #
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was beautiful.
- Oh, thank you.
- And particularly,
'there will be no tasering tonight.'
(LAUGHTER)
- I thought we worked
well together, man. Like, we
could probably do something.
- OK.
- # Happy! Happy! Happy! #
(LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
- Matt, I just wanna say,
you've been killing this episode.
You've done a great job so far.
Congratulations.
(LAUGHTER)
- So, before we move on, Paul,
can you tell me what were the words
that you couldn't use,right?
- Yes. There was quite a long list.
- Mm-hm.
- I do believe 'tree'
was one of the words.
- AUDIENCE: Oooh!
- I didn't say 'tree'.
(LAUGHTER)
- I kind of feel like I heard
something like that.
Maybe if we play back the first
two words of the song. Should we
have a listen to those?
- # Presents,
# tree... #
DISTORTED: # Tree. #
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- It was a very simple mistake,
but I should point out that Matt
practised his song seven times.
- Oh!
- In between each practice,
he reread the list.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, we've got four more festive
ditties to enjoy, but before that,
we get to enjoy three minutes
of a different type of jingle,
the advertising type.
Those are happening right now.
We'll be back in just a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Who will win their own
girlfriend/wife back from
the grasp of Laura Daniel?
We will soon find out. Who has
a merry song for us next, Paul?
- Here is an acapella effort from
David Correos, who has to try to
shoehorn in his gift, a shoehorn.
(LAUGHTER)
(BELLS JINGLE)
- # I was sitting
# by the fire.
# I was wired
# and also tired.
# Smoked a joint
# and drank a coffee,
# waiting to open a present for me.
# I looked under the tall bush.
(LAUGHTER)
# Maybe I'd smoked some
really strong kush,
# cos what I saw was
a man stealing from me.
# Saint Nick,
give me back my shoehorn.
# These boots cannot be worn.
# I'll trade you some stink corn.
# St Nick,
# give them back
# to me.
(BELLS JINGLE)
# I need 'em for my family.
# That would be lovely.
# St Nick,
# give it back
# to me! #
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- There you go, Matt. You
could've called it a tall bush,...
(LAUGHTER)
...stayed in the race.
- That was beautiful, man.
- URZILA: Yeah.
- I love you.
- DAVID: I love you too.
I love you too.
- Talk me through the logic here.
So, you're talking to St Nick, who's
stolen the presents from under your
tall bush.
Doesn't he give out the presents?
- That's what I thought too.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul?
- Up next with the voice of an angel
and the laminator of an angel who
wants to prolong the life of their
certificates,
it's Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LAURA: This one goes out
to all the lovers,...
- (PLAYS DISCORDANT NOTES)
- ...spending time together
in the festive season.
(CHUCKLES)
Listen up.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
# It's a bright summer's day,
# cos this time in New Zealand,
# the skies are not grey.
# You've woken up beside me,
# and you're not in your sleigh,
# but before you leave this evening,
# I just wanna say, yeah,
# I wanna laminate
this calendar day.
- BOTH: # ...ay.
- # Laminate it,
and you take it away.
- BOTH: # ...ay.
- # Maybe I'd freeze time from
the laminating, and you'd stay.
# I wanna laminate
this calendar day.
- # ...ay.
- # Merry, merry Jesus birthday.
(LAUGHTER)
# He's blessed us with
laminators and clay.
# If Jesus was here,
we'd have a three-way.
# And then I'd laminate
this calendar day. #
(THUD!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Who's left, Paul?
- Next is Urzila, who received a
box full of oats, and she seemed
disappointed that it was vegan.
Is that correct?
- Look, I was just disappointed
that I had to sing,
because I'm tone deaf, and B,
I have an accent and I sing in it.
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's play Urzila's song. Enjoy.
- Right. Hit it, Paul.
- (PLAYS SOLEMN NOTES)
# Oh, vegan night.
# You descend on my ass
like a witch against glass.
# You make me regular at night.
# You make my shit take flight.
# Xmas time ―
I'd rather shit my pants
# or have a bout of swollen glands.
# Thank Christ for the oats,
so we can feed them goats.
# Oh, vegan night. #
Yeah, vegan night! Yeah!
That's it. That's it. Stop it.
That's my song.
Merry Xmas, vegan night.
- OK, was that it or rehearsal
- Yeah. No, that was it.
- OK.
- Do you think you can do better?
- I-I wasn't say that.
- No, I think that
wraps it up for me.
- OK.
You've still got 30 minutes and 40
seconds, but you're happy with that?
- I'm fairly confident that I'm
not gonna crush this challenge,
but I know at some point you and
I are gonna box and/or wrestle.
And I'm gonna crush that one.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
Thank you, Urzila.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I think I speak
for everyone when I say that there
was nothing good about that at all.
(LAUGHTER)
- I could not agree with you more.
- Why did you turn your shoulder
to Paul and sort of sing around
the corner?
- Oh, I was being sexy.
(LAUGHTER)
I think that's how
straight people do it.
(LAUGHTER)
- We've got one song to go,
is that right?
- We do, and he'd like to wish you
a Guy Montgo-merry Christmas.
(LAUGHTER)
- This is Guy Montgomery and Paul
Williams with the Festive Fox.
# Well, he's the festive little fox,
# and he's quite unorthodox.
# But he's giving out the presents
# for this year.
# It's Decembre vingt-quatre,
# and morale needs a jump-start,
# for young Guy, well,
he knows the cupboard's bare.
# But the fox won't let that be.
# He's got treats for all, you see.
# And he will not stop till
all have had their share.
# For Guy's mother needs an oven,
# and the father needs some lovin',
# and the sisters,
a trip to the county fair.
# So the fox, he fucks Guy's dad,
# and the mother is quite mad,
# till she sees oven
beneath the chandelier.
# And the sisters leave the house.
# All is quiet as a mouse.
# But there's nothing yet for Guy.
# No, nothing here.
# This clever little fox
# leaves a six-plug multibox,
# and young Guy,
# he's no longer in despair.
# Everyone got what they need ―
# for the fox, a glass of mead,
# for his work is now quite
finished for the year.
# And he looks upon young Guy,
# both their hearts
are filled with glee.
# And between just you and me,
# here's what he said.
HIGH-PITCHED: 'Well, it's
pretty tough work being a fox,
'but when I see your family with
all these treats bestowed upon them
'and the oven plugs into
the multibox just perfect, it all
makes it all worthwhile, really.
'See you next year, everybody!'
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is a terrifying
insight into the Montgomery family
Christmas right there, I reckon.
- Yeah, I remember them with
mixed memories, really.
Mum was always scuppering
around for an oven,
and Dad would be out the back
just absolutely going hammer
and tongs on a fox.
(LAUGHTER)
I think I got Paul with that.
(LAUGHTER)
- You've also got Paul
on your T-shirt, I see.
- Yes.
- Yeah. Fitting with the theme,
which I didn't know would be the
case.
This is young Paul as a chorister.
I mean, I've got a treasure trove
of Paul backstage.
(LAUGHTER)
- OK. Matt, you get one. I'm not
gonna completely disqualify you.
I'll still give you one point.
- Actually, I deserve one.
I'll give my two points to Matt.
- That makes three.
- Cos it was a beautiful song.
He had a beautiful song.
I'll take one; he can have my two.
- OK.
- So...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Very festive.
- So, Urzila's taking the one point,
and Matt's―
- Urzila gets one. Matt gets two.
David gets three.
And then Guy four and Laura five,
I think, for that.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Right, pour yourselves an eggnog and
leave some live chickens out for the
festive little fox,
because we'll be back very shortly
with more tasks. See you soon.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where five weird and wonderful
minds are battling it out
to win a medal Guy Montgomery
stole from a dead war hero.
(LAUGHTER)
TV does not get
any better than this.
What's next, Paul?
- We're heading back
to the Taskmaster house.
But I must warn everyone ―
something about this next
task is a little fishy.
(UPBEAT STRING MUSIC)
- Hey, Paul.
- Hello, Matt.
- This is a terrifying room.
- Hello.
- Hello, Guy.
- It's me.
- I know.
- Ooh!
- Finally!
This is my buzz.
- Can I take it?
- You may.
- Mean.
- I want to eat one.
But I shan't.
- READS: 'Shoot a chocolate fish
into the fish bowl.'
- 'You must say the name of
a different animal with each shot.'
- 'Your first successful shot
is your animal.'
- 'Most powerful animal wins.'
- Ooh! OK! (LAUGHS)
- I reckon I'm gonna get down to,
like, insects.
- It's a good task.
- I know.
- I like animals,
and I love chocolate fish.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'm thinking physical strength
is gonna be winner for me here,
but I'm happy to be swayed by
a convincing argument. Who's first?
- Being singled out for the third
time this episode, this could go
either way, here's Matt Heath.
(LAUGHTER)
- 'Your time starts... now.'
Blue whale.
(DINK!)
Tiger.
(SPLAT!)
Liger.
(THWACK!)
Otter.
(CLINK!)
(GROANS)
(LAUGHTER)
- Why'd you say otter?
- I don't― I shouldn't
have said otter.
I was just throwing one away
as a practice shot. Otter.
Otter.
- What would've been
your dream animal?
- Horse.
(LAUGHTER)
Otter. That's gonna live
with me for a long time.
Thanks, Paul.
- Thank you, Matt.
(APPLAUSE)
- Otter.
- Otter. Matt...
- Where did that otter come from?
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, your dream animal,
interestingly...
- I love a horse.
- Yeah.
Other kids had imaginary friends
when they were growing up;
Matt had an imaginary pony.
- Mm.
- A pink pony called
Starlight Macintosh.
(LAUGHTER)
- LAURA LAUGHS: Really?
- I actually shared that
with you in confidence.
(LAUGHTER)
- Who's next, Paul?
- Can anyone beat an otter?
The answer is almost definitely
yes, but let's take a look anyway.
Here's Guy and Laura.
- It's not gonna take this many fish
for me to get a fish in the bowl.
Can you imagine?
- Yeah.
- It would be humiliating.
Look at this ― mouse.
- Practice shot ― I'm gonna
start easy. Uh... Fish.
(THWACK!)
Cool, great.
- Would you like a fish?
- I'm fine, thank you.
- You sure?
- Yeah, I'm working.
- Kitten.
(DINK!)
(EXHALES) Work your way up the
animals, Laura. I'm getting closer.
- Mastiff.
(THWACK!)
- Dog.
(THUD!)
Panther.
(THWACK!)
- Oh, can I please
get a pen and a piece of paper?
- There's probably some upstairs.
What's your favourite animal?
- A cat.
- Me too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- My cat Martin?
- My cat.
- Your cat.
- Sam.
- OK.
- Ideally, I'm gonna
land on blue whale.
- What would be your
dream powerful animal?
- Elephant. It could hold people.
It could hold both of us.
I don't wanna put both of us on it,
cos I don't think elephants should
be ridden. I'm a vegetarian.
- You know that saying
'an elephant never forgets'?
- Mm-hm.
- Can an elephant have amnesia?
- Not sure.
- Cos if they can't, we've gotta
destigmatise that for a start.
- Mm.
- Leopard.
(THWACK!)
- Ooh.
- Well, don't put a camera there.
That's not my fault.
- Oh, no, I was―
- It's absolutely not my fault.
- No, I know.
- A lion.
(DINK!)
Oh!
- Hippogriff.
- Jaguar.
(DINK!)
Ooh.
- You seemed a little disappointed.
- Well, I've told you what I wanted.
I was building up to blue whale.
I didn't think I was
gonna be that good.
- Red panda.
(DINK!)
Shit! Shit! Shit! (LAUGHS)
- Are you happy with that?
- No, I'm not happy with that.
That's not the strongest animal.
- But a jaguar is strong.
Jaguar coming in here would destroy
you, tear you limb from limb,
and not me, cos I'd say, 'Well,
I listed you as a strong animal,
'and in doing so, you motivated
me to succeed, so you and I are
allies.'
- I don't think it
would understand that.
- Yeah, it would.
- Thank you, Laura.
- Pescatarian.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Knowing what we know now, Guy,
you must be very pleased with
the jaguar.
- Well, yeah, but
I set my standards a little bit
higher than just beating Matt.
(LAUGHTER)
- Well, we know that
Laura's got a red panda.
- So far, the strongest in looks.
(LAUGHTER)
A very attractive, beautiful animal,
the red panda.
- The red panda has
reddish-brown fur,
a long shaggy tail
and a waddling gait.
(LAUGHTER)
So Jeremy will be
ranking them in terms of how
powerful he thinks they are,
and then after the show when the
camera's off, we are gonna fight
the animals in the car park.
- Yes.
- OK, two more to go.
- Last but not least, we have
David Correos and Urzila Carlson.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Uh...
Cat.
(THWACK!)
Oh!
That was close, right?
- Elephant.
- Elephant.
- BOTH: Lion. Giraffe. Monkey.
Gorilla.
- Eel.
(THWACK!)
Fuuuuuuck.
- Let me think.
When you go into the zoo... Meerkat.
(DINK!)
(GROANS)
- Falcon.
Warbler.
Blue tit.
- Mark. I went to school with Mark.
He was a real fuckin' animal.
- Seal.
- Wildcat. Hippo.
(DINK! DINK! DINK!)
(GROANS)
- Killdeer.
(DINK!)
Ooh! Close. That sounded nice.
- Are you allowed to look up
animals alphabetically for me?
- OK.
- Shark. Clam.
Mussel. Oyster.
- Affenpinscher.
- Affenpinscher.
That sounds like...
(DINK!)
...something you get
a jail term form.
- Whale.
(SIGHS)
Gecko.
- American Alsatian.
- Can I throw more than one?
- Yeah.
- Alaskan malamute.
- Toad.
Ooh!
OK. OK.
- American pit bull terrier.
- Pit bull.
(DINK!)
Yeah!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Of course I got pit bull.
I live in West Auckland, mate.
- Red-eyed tree frog.
(DINK!)
Yeah!
SLO-MO: Yeah!
Yes!
There we go.
Red-eyed tree frog.
(LAUGHTER)
- Bam!
- Thank you.
- Woof. Woof!
See ya!
- What made you go with
the red-eyed tree frog?
- Great animal.
- Would you say a powerful animal?
- Yes, because they've got powerful
legs.
- For jumping.
- Yeah, for jumping.
You ever seen an elephant jump?
- No.
- Nah. Red-eyed tree frog ―
powerful.
- OK.
- Yeah.
Fuck.
(LAUGHTER)
Does this go up against other...?
Fuck! Oh no.
(LAUGHS)
Oh no!
You wait. You wait till we get
to the record. I'ma have debate
level...
- ...facts.
- ...facts. That's the word.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Wow. There's some interesting
powerful animals that you were
attempting to name there ―
the oyster.
(LAUGHTER)
Urzila, you'll be happy with yours.
- So stoked. A pit bull ― that can
fuck anything up.
(LAUGHTER)
- I got some facts here, OK.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Fact number one ― red-eyed tree
frogs spend the majority of their
lives in trees.
(LAUGHTER)
Red-eyed tree frogs
are not venomous.
(LAUGHTER)
Red-eyed tree frogs can jump up
to 20 times its own body length.
(APPLAUSE)
Now, I used to be
an Olympic weightlifter. The term
'power' is strength times speed.
None of these animals even compete
per capita. We are New Zealand.
We base our whole fuckin'
personality on per capita.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Personally, I reckon, Laura,
yours is the least powerful.
The red panda is a pathetic animal.
(LAUGHTER)
So you get one.
Otter boy over here's on two.
Red-eyed tree freak comes in
with three. Pit bull four.
And then I would hate to take on
a jaguar. That would be me there.
Five.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I'll take that.
Thank you, Taskmaster. I'll take it.
- OK, there is one more task
to do tonight,
and it's happening right here
in our beloved Taskmaster studio.
We'll see you very shortly.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
*
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
- Welcome back to Taskmaster.
We have one task to go before
we find out who is taking home
David Correos' flatmates' shoes.
Before we do that, Paul,
a quick points update, if you will.
- Laura's on 13, and with
15 points, Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- OK, there's no better time
than now to head on to our stage
for our final task. Off we go.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(QUIRKY MUSIC)
Well, well, well.
Surprise, surprise, surprise.
It's time for a live task.
- That is correct, Jeremy Wells.
Who would you like to read the
live task?
- Oh, give it to Guy Montgomery.
- Thanks, Paul.
- Can you read it in
the voice of the fox?
(LAUGHTER)
- I-I actually can't...
(LAUGHTER)
...in good conscience do that.
READS: 'Carry a briefcase of either
nothing or onions across the stage
and place it on themat.
'The Taskmaster will then attempt
to guess what you are carrying ―
nothing or onions.'
(LAUGHTER)
'If he guesses correctly, you
are eliminated. If you deceive him,
you qualify for anotherround.
'Most deceptions wins.'
HIGH-PITCHED:
Sounds like a right good time.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Let's start at this end...
- Fuck.
- ...and move along to Urzila.
- WHISPERS: Good luck, man.
- All right. Let's do it. (EXHALES)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- On the mat, please, David.
- (URZILA LAUGHS)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- I reckon that doesn't
have any onions in it.
- Onions.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Double the bluff.
- Guy Montgomery,
please choose your briefcase.
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Onions.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- Absolutely devastating.
(LAUGHTER)
- Laura Daniel.
(AUDIENCE WHOOPS)
- (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
Onions.
- Onions.
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
- I'm gonna say onions.
- Nothing.
- Oh!
(APPLAUSE)
- Too― Too quick.
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Nothing.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
David, please begin round two.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
- Onions.
- Nothing.
- Wow!
(APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER)
- Why change a winning formula?
- No onions.
- Correct.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
If Urzila doesn't succeed,
David Correos wins the task.
(APPLAUSE)
- Absolutely 100% onions.
- You are 100%...
right.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
The winner of the task ―
David Correos.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down. Let's score.
Obviously, David came first,
so five points, so well done, David.
- Thank you. Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Urzila and Matt,
three points each.
(APPLAUSE)
And I think Guy and Laura,
one point each.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, that's quite nice.
- It's not nothing.
- So how does that affect
our overall points table
for the series, Paul?
- In first place, with the funniest
amount of points you can have, 69 ―
Laura Daniel.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- DAVID: Yes!
- So that's the overall series
standings, but, of course, there is
the all-important tonight's winner.
- Yes. 13 points for David.
14 points for Laura.
But the winner, with 16 points ―
Guy Montgomery.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yes!
- Congratulations, man.
- Oh, so relieved.
I get my girlfriend back.
And your wife.
(LAUGHTER)
- That's right; Guy get up on that
stage and enjoy your stolen stuff,
you low-down, dirty criminal.
(LAUGHTER)
What a journey of discovery
we've been on today.
We've become acquainted with the
inflatable balls of Switzerland;
we've familiarised ourselves with
the pagan talking fox rituals of
the Montgomery family;
and most importantly, we've
discovered that our winner for
episode four is Guy Montgomery!
Well done, Guy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We'll see you next time.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Can you give me a B?
- (BLOWS NOTE)
- It's OK, Paul. It's just a bee.
- If you're as keen as a bean,...
- Beans, beans, beans, beans.
- Come feel my bean, Paul.
- ...you're gonna love this task.
- You're a fuck, but you're
a brilliant little fuck.
- URZILA: Yeah, yeah.