Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 9 - Don't Like Them Go Bang - full transcript

It's the penultimate episode and the stakes are higher than ever - well, for Ed, at least.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Hold it. What?

Yes!

Thank you. Thank you, and welcome.

I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.

Sitting to my right are a team of
battle-scarred competitors

who have been slogging through
task after task.

They've had their ups
and their downs,

and they've discovered that
for every failure,

there's a success
just around the corner.

Also, David Baddiel is here.

LAUGHTER



Please now welcome them all,

David Baddiel,

Ed Gamble,

Jo Brand,

Katy Wix,

and Rose Matafeo!

And sitting next to me is the boy
who ran away with a circus,

but he was sent back home
because he was annoying everyone

and unsettling the animals.

It's little Alex Horne.

Hi, Greg. Hi. Unsettling.

BOTH: Unsettling the animals.

So, they were settled,
I came in and unsettled them.

That is correct.



Right, then.
Let's get the pre-final underway.

What's the prize task category?

We've asked them to bring in
the most desirable smooth thing.

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Yes, exactly.
Something that makes you say,

"Wow, I really want that,"
and, "Wow, it's really smooth."

Rose, what is your
desirable smooth thing?

My prize is very good.

It is a...

semi-nude in a snow globe.
Here it is.

LAUGHTER

That is a desirable thing
that is smooth.

I will be taking
no further questions.

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately,
that's not quite how this works.

Because...

You have got a lot to explain!

So, yeah, I didn't want to do
like a full-on nude,

cos I thought that might be
a bit hectic.

Oh, that would be weird. Yeah.

Who put a picture of you
in your pants inside the snow globe?

Me. Why?

Cos... I want to win.

Oh, you did it specially for this?
Yeah. Oh, I thought you just had it.

OK.
LAUGHTER

Excuse me, do I strike you
as a person who would do that?

Because you have nailed me. 100%.

Jo.
Well, mine's two types of smooth.

It is butterscotch Angel Delight
concealing...

Action Man's genitals.

Yeah, you can see it now.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

When did Action Man start using the
cyclist Chris Hoy as their model?

Is this something you made
specially for the show,

or did you just have this?

I've got two teenage daughters
and I drill it into them,

this is how men's genital area
should look.

You know what,
I'm sure I speak for a lot of men,

I sort of wish it was.

I wish it was all smoothed over,
I'd have read a lot more books.

David, hello. Hello.

What have you got?
Perhaps you could show it?

This, of course,
is a trophy that you won

if you won Going For Gold.

Now, a lot of people here
don't remember Going For Gold...

Was that Henry Kelly?
Yes, it was a daytime quiz show

that I used to watch a lot
in the 1980s.

The thing about this is, there are
two things that are weird about it.

One is, I've never been on
Going For Gold.

It's suddenly become
50% more attractive to me.

The other thing
that's really weird about it,

I just was talking to people
in this show,

having brought this in very proudly,

and they've checked the archive
on Going For Gold prizes,

none of them looked like this.

LAUGHTER

No, you don't get a trophy
on Going For Gold.

Are you sure? They got cash.

He knows, it's all he did with his
childhood is watch quiz shows.

Yeah, it was on
straight after Neighbours.

What it is is smooth.

It's smooth, and now that I know
that it's been put there by aliens,

it's desirable.

Katy Wix?

So, what I've done is I went out

and I found the smoothest pebble
that I could,

that took a couple of days,

so it's already desirable
in and of itself,

cos it's a beautiful smooth pebble.

To make it even more desirable,

I popped my bank details on it.

LAUGHTER

And that's it.

It's desirable.
It is desirable, isn't it?

I'm going for gold tonight.

What's nice about it is
a pebble's such a lovely thing

to slip into someone's hand. Oh,
it's lovely. Just imagine that.

Like that?

LAUGHTER

Ed?

My prize is not smooth... yet.

Uh-oh! The achievable smoothness
is the most desirable bit.

I have brought in a voucher
for the winner of the show

to wax my chest.

Here it is.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!
PANEL: Wow.

So that will be on the stage...
On the stage at the end,

with the theme music playing,
we will wax my chest.

Hmm. OK, so, there we go,
that's all five.

I mean, I genuinely,
for the first time,

I've got to commend all of you.

I genuinely want all of those
prizes. We're getting better at it.

Oh, my God, do you know
what I'm going to do? Oh, no.

I'm going to give four people
four points.

Wow. And then there's one...

that I'm going to give
an extra point to.

Five points,
for bringing in a trophy...

that wasn't used on the quiz show
that's written on it,

go to David Baddiel.

Right, what's the first task proper
then, you little weasel? Thank you.

We're going to start with a little
game of I Spy. Are you ready?

Mmm. Here we go.

I can't see Alex.

"Give Alex a five-word instruction
in the most spy-like way."

Where is Alex?

"You must not be seen or heard
communicating with Alex in anyway."

"Most subtly but successfully
communicated instruction wins."

"You have 20 minutes
within which Alex...

must carry out your instruction."

"Your time starts now."

Why am I by a van?

Is this live?

So, that's Alex reading a newspaper,
looking totally inconspicuous.

Headphones here.

Got a walkie-talkie.

How do you turn it on? Oh. Hello?

Hello? Hello?

WALKIE-TALKIE BEEPS

Does this open?

Hmm, very useful.

This is to do with invisible ink,
isn't it, lemons?

But I can't remember,
if you write with lemon juice,

what makes you see it?

HE SIGHS

OK, I mean, I've panicked
and opened the lemon up.

Five word instruction...
OK, so the instruction itself

doesn't have to be spy-y?

It's not like I say to him,

"The tulips are blooming in Gdansk
this year." That's six words.

And he knows what that means.
Not that.

But I've got to get it over there,
right?

But, where are the bad guys?
I'm really...

struggling with the logic
of this task.

I mean, you look, honestly,
first impression,

like the worst set of spies
of all time.

The quote that I wrote down
that sums you all up is,

"I've panicked
and opened the lemon up."

LAUGHTER

Rose, I've wrote down
everything you said.

"Where's Alex? Is this live?

I've got to get it over there,
right? Right?"

She was the only one
who thought there were bad guys.

We're going to start with
two very subtle men, the men.

Ed and David, here we go.

Not a good sign. No.

I don't understand
all this bollocks.

I'm going to go for it
in a more actor-y way.

I'm a white van man.

My enemies won't notice
that it's me,

because I'm heavily disguised.

Has anyone got some spare time
on their hands?

Can you pop this on for me?

Better take my glasses off,
cos they don't really wear glasses,

white van men.

Pop this on. Pop that on.

Oh.

OK, what I've done is I've got
so obsessed with the character,

I've forgotten
to put the instruction on.

Here, we'll put it at the back.

I need you to be obvious,

but also look like you're trying
to not be obvious. OK? Sure.

Go now, go now.

And don't bump your head.

Just off to deliver some stuff.

I'm still in character,

I'm checking the radio
for TalkSport.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LOUD!

Excuse me, mate,
got a delivery here.

Got a delivery? Yeah.

That's my van.
Wonder if you could help,

just get the stuff out the back?

Out the back? Stuff out the back.

Got stuff to deliver out the back.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Spy Ed. You got hold of a decoy.
Decoy.

You sent him to interact with Alex.

So far, so good. Yeah.

At that point, you then
thundered across an open field...

like a giant primary school child,

ducking,
presumably behind the sky...

I didn't know
where the bad guys were.

David Baddiel? David! Yes.
He did it in an actor-y way.

He did, I wrote that down,
"In an actor-y way."

I created a character
that was so different from myself

that even the bad guys
watching on television

would have no idea. I've got a
problem with one small part of it...

Yes. ..and that is, I don't think
it matters what you do,

you always sound like David Baddiel.
Yeah. That is true.

But that is the best acting
I've ever done.

I sort of want to hear more
from Dave Bloke.

OK. Well, he speaks like this.

LAUGHTER

Right, it's time for a break now.

You know the poem,
"Make tea, have a wee,

and then re-join Alex and me."
See you in a bit.

Hello, and welcome back to the
ninth episode of the ninth series.

Before the break, we had an
undercover operation underway.

Yes, we did. They've been
trying to get a message to me

without any direct communication.

Before the break, David Baddiel

disguised himself as
David Baddiel driving a van,

and Ed Gamble disguised
somebody else as somebody else

and then noisily ran up
and threw some paper at me.

Let's see Katy and Jo now.

Oh, there he is.

KATY WHISTLES

I didn't know I could whistle.

WHISTLING CONTINUES

SHE COUGHS

SHE WHISTLES, THEN COUGHS

Nice day for it.

SHE COUGHS

SHE HUMS QUIETLY

SHE SIGHS AND TUTS

Dear, oh dear.

SHE HUMS

SHE COUGHS

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Katy first. Yeah.

I sort of felt like you had so many
ticks and coughs and whistles

that you just seemed ill,
really ill.

That's just me being normal.
Let's throw into that as well

the fact that you were wearing
a hi-vis jacket.

It took a long time for you
to open the newspaper to the...

Because I was trying to be subtle,
because... Being natural, yeah.

You were trying to blend in?
A person wouldn't open to that page

straightaway, you'd read it
a little bit, have a cough.

HE COUGHS AND SNIFFS

I actually wrote down
something you said,

"Di-di-dur".

LAUGHTER

'I don't think any of the bad guys
saw Katy communicate with me,
except saying, "Nice day for it."

'It was my understanding
that you weren't allowed
to communicate at all,

that full communication
wasn't allowed?

I didn't communicate with him,
I was talking to myself.

Here's an interesting thing,
you can learn from this.

Jo went for a
hiding-in-plain-sight thing by...

inventing a character
of a total lunatic.

You're not saying I can learn
something from what Jo did? Yeah.

Are you shitting me?
LAUGHTER

How dare you!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I didn't think it mattered
whether it was actually me or not,

as long as it wasn't obvious
that I delivered a message.

That was exactly it. I could
have just been walking past him.

That's exactly it, both did some
really nice character work. Yeah.

Who's left? Let's see how
Rose Matafeo does inconspicuous.

Just a rock.

LAUGHTER

I've lost the target!
I've lost the...

SHE GRUNTS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It was really subtle,
and you hid the...

You stopped and you moved forward,
and you stopped,

and you allowed eyes
that might be surveying the scene

to get used to a rock,

and then, all of a sudden,

you fully stood up.

So, the rock has full lady's legs

and was walking across open ground.

Up until that point
it was pretty secretive.

But it was very hard to crouch
under a rock

when you're not good in the head.

What I'm wondering about now
is whether I'm going to

give Rose more marks than Ed.

LAUGHTER

I have to say, the thing
that I would have doubted the least

was the van man.

I thought five points
to David Baddiel.

OK, five points to David Baddiel.
APPLAUSE

OK, second place? Second place,

because I think she created
a genuine distraction... Right.

..I'm giving four points
to Jo Brand. OK, four to Jo.

APPLAUSE

A few too many ticks for my liking,

but worthy of three points
for sure,

probably would have survived
the incident, Katy Wix.

Third place, well done, Katy.
APPLAUSE

Let's party!

LAUGHTER

This is going to be
an anti-climax now,

I'm going to give them two points
each. They've both got two points.

You hate it!

Alex, show me the scoreboard.

Yes, well, Ed and Rose
are joint last on sixth place.

'But he's not won an episode, he's
now in the lead with maximum points,
David Baddiel has ten points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

Today is your day. Apparently.

Does that mean I have to wax
your chest? Yeah.

One more of those lovely tasks,
please?

OK, how about some blowing
and some popping?

PHONE RINGS

MUFFLED SPEECH

DIAL TONE SOUNDS

It's Ed Gamble.

Oh, boy.

"Inflate, tie and pop

as many balloons as possible
in ten minutes."

I don't like popping balloons.

You mean bang, make them go bang?

Make them go bang?

Oh.

I wish it was a drawing one.

Oh, my God,
this is like a bleeding novel.

"Once you pop your first balloon,

you may not inflate
any more balloons."

"If any of your balloons are still
inflated after ten minutes,

you are disqualified.
Most popped balloons win."

"If any of your balloons
are still inflated..."

SHE READS MOCKINGLY

"Also, you may not look at a clock
or any sort of timing device...

at any point."

I'm so bad at estimating time.

Do you fully understand
all the rules?

"Your time starts now."

OK, I'm going to go
and have a look for a pump. OK.

I mean, I don't know
if there is a pump.

Any kind of pump. One that will be
used in this case for balloons.

LAUGHTER

Oh, dear.

This is pretty straightforward, I
don't want to mess around too much.

I will just point out that Jo Brand

is the first person
in Taskmaster history

to be too lazy
to even read the task out.

And I would also like to enjoy
David's statement,

"Don't like them go bang."

LAUGHTER

Just two parts left
until Ed Gamble gets a live wax

and Rose's nuddy lady
gets freed from her icy nightmare.

But, for now,
it's time for Alex to say bye-bye

for this part of the show. Bye-bye.

No, say it like you mean it.
Bye-bye! Bye!

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Inflation across the nation, Alex?

That's right, our contestants
are currently trying to inflate

and then pop the most balloons
within ten minutes

without any sort of timer.
It's about judging time

and knowing when to stop blowing
and start popping, like life itself.

We're going to start with a man
with a beard and a lady without one.

It's David and Rose first of all.

OK. Is there a balloon pump?
Am I wasting my time here?

I mean,
we might be overdoing it here.

What's that?

Is that a balloon pump?
AUDIENCE CHEERS

Why didn't you tell me
that was there?

Four Mississippi, five Mississippi,
six Mississippi, seven...

Can you help me?

You're doing it quite well.
Thank you.

SHE SQUEALS

Seven, eight... 11...

I want to win the task, but I hate
the sound of balloons popping.

I'm going to play it safe
and pop these balloons.

Here we go.

Definitely this should be easier.

Oh, for fuck's...

Hey!

Thank you, Rose. Thank you.

There we go.

Thank you very much.
Thank you, David.

APPLAUSE

There was no pause before she went,
"OK, I know what I'm doing here."

The Mississippi system
was employed straightaway. Yeah.

I played it safe, though.
Also, I never asked Alex for help.

Do guys ask for help
more than the girls?

David asks for help
almost every task...

Yes. ..and I always said yes,
because I knew,

ultimately, it wouldn't affect
the competition.

It is amazing that David,
with two feet,

threw all of his body weight
onto a balloon...

Yeah. ..and it didn't pop.

That is quite remarkable.
I am frightened of the sound,

so maybe I wasn't putting
my whole weight on it.

"Don't like them go bang."

These two have registered scores,
17 and 14 from David,

but they both completed the task,
which is something.

Which is incredible. Yeah.

APPLAUSE
Well done.

Who's next?

It's Jo and Katy now. It always is.

Here's how Jo and Katy got on.

How do these work? Just like this?

I'm not very good on balloon work.

OK. I wonder how long it's been.

SHE GIGGLES

I think that's roughly ten seconds,

and then say I'm talking in between
for 20-ish,

so that's half a minute,

so I think when I get to 15-ish
I might just start popping them.

That'll be fine. I can't...
Can you do that?

What do you want me to do?
Can you tie it off, please?

OK. See, that one
probably took about a minute.

BALLOON PUMP SQUEAKS

LONG SQUEAK

Oh, God.

That is just how I feel.

I think I'm nearly ready to pop,
you know. Hmm.

13. That's me done, then.

The ten minutes must nearly be up.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Oh.

Why won't my earring work?

Oh, fuck it, that's not...

Are these not poppable?

That's the answer.

SHE SIGHS
OK.

Thank you, Jo. Thank you, Alex.

See you later, bye. Bye-bye, Jo.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Fuck off!

LAUGHTER

They deserved it, Jo.

Sorry, I mean, "Thanks."

What's wrong with me?

So, zero points. Zero points.
You did inflate 13 in five minutes,

which was pretty quick compared to
everyone else, but, yeah...

SARCASTICALLY: Oh, thanks, Alex.
That's all right.

I thought your demeanour
was interesting in that one, Katy.

There's a line, "I think
I'm nearly ready to pop, you know,"

where you put me in mind of someone
who's in charge of a village fete.

How did she do, though?
Oh, very badly.

She went to get cocktail sticks
at the beginning, that took a while.

She didn't start popping
until ten minutes and 15 seconds.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Why rush? The fete will get opened
when you want the fete to be opened.

"Ladies, let's let the hordes in,
I suppose."

LAUGHTER

Alex, who's last? Well, it's a man
who's absolutely riddled with air,

it's Ed Gamble.

I think I've hit
quite a nice rhythm, actually.

Yeah, fuck that.

Can you blow some balloons up
for me? Huh? No? OK.

Right. Wait there.

Je suis diabetic.

Right. How long's left?

I don't know, I reckon three minutes
left, but I think I've got to do it.

That's probably my time gone now.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, NHS.

Right.

I think I've probably done it
within the time anyway.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Ed.

I mean, absolutely incredible,

and yet all I can see is you
bent over, running across a field.

That was amazing, and so many things
to enjoy. I enjoyed your...

JO SNEEZES
Come on, Jo!

LAUGHTER

You can't let me have one moment,
can you?!

Sorry.

Well, do you want to know
how many balloons he inflated? Yeah!

He did one, for a full ten minutes,
one every 15 seconds,

he inflated 41 balloons.

Wow. 41. 41, Ed Gamble.

APPLAUSE

So, it's five points to Ed Gamble,
four points Rose Matafeo,

and David Baddiel
gets three points for that.

One more, please. OK, then.

This one is my joint favourite task.

Hello. Oh, hello, David.
You live here? Yes.

I like what you've done
with the place.

Hello. Hello, Jo.

"Make either a knee and an elbow..."

"..a knee and a knee..."

"..or an elbow and an elbow
look like a famous couple."

"You must only use
your knees and elbows."

"Best representation
of a famous couple

on knees and/or elbows wins."

"You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now."

Instant thought,
obviously, the Beckhams.

Frida Kahlo and Diego...

Maradona? Madonna?

My first thought was
Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

So I'll have to use
a knee and an elbow,

so that's like a fat person
who's married to a thin person.

My first thought was
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle.

Henry VIII and whoever.

Do I have time to shave my legs?

Depends who you're representing
on your knee and elbow, I suppose.

Who does Bruce Willis go out with?
Demi Moore.

Hmm.

Bleeding quite a lot now. Do you
want me to get you a bit more soap?

I tell you what would be nice,

maybe some tissues to clean off
all the fucking blood off my knees.

I wonder what her nose looks like.

Posh and Becks.
"What you doing, David?"

LAUGHTER

Oh, I've messed this one up.

Good to know I can start again.

I mean, they're one of
the most famous couples.

William and Kate had a Christmas
card that looked exactly like that.

HE LAUGHS

Looks like something
from a horror film.

No, hang on.

I mean, I'm doing this for the
sake of your television programme,

and now look what's happening.
Yeah, that's better.

WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up, Katy.

Oh, wow.

APPLAUSE

I think we should just get into it.

Yeah, we're going to show
David's final effort,

see if you can work out
which couple this is.

Here we go. OK.

LAUGHTER

It's a pun and a couple.
GREG SIGHS

Is it The Two Ron-knees? Yes!

It's The Two Ron-knees.

What about that? It is very good.

It's very good,
I just don't like a pun. Oh.

Yeah, no, it's really...

Also, my pants are in it,
do I get extra for that?

No, you really don't. OK.

Well done for wearing white ones,
though. Thank you.

At our age, you've got to
be careful, haven't you?

You've set a standard. Yes.

Next up, this is what Jo did.

Can you work out who these are?

Jesus Christ.

Oh, I know who this is.
Who?

It's Henry VIII, isn't it,
and one of his wives?

I know it, cos you're obsessed
with Henry VIII!

I am. I love him!

I think I'm right, historically,

that Henry VIII
was a big monkey, wasn't he?

LAUGHTER

"Ooh-ooh, chop your head off!"

It's break time, see you shortly.

Hello! Welcome back
to the last part of the show,

where Katy Wix's bank details
are soon to be won

by the same person
that will wax Ed Gamble.

Happy birthday!

Yes, happy birthday.
Before the break,

they were trying to draw
famous couples

on their knees, elbows,
or a combination of the above.

We've had The Two Ron-knees
from David Baddiel,

and Hen-knee VIII
with Elbow-leyn from Jo Brand.

Hey.

Now it's...
APPLAUSE

Super.

I'm pretty pleased with that.
Yeah, yeah, I know you are. Yeah.

Next up, it's Katy Wix.
This is what she did.

The first to use two elbows.

I can give you another angle.

There we go. Oh, it's old Frida
with the big eyebrow.

It's Frida Kahlo, that's right.

And the other one? I don't know
who her husband is. Diego Rivera.

It's difficult, isn't it, because...

Not really. ..if I saw the left one
on its own, I'd go, "Eh."

But the right one...
KISSES FINGERS

If you squint, it's quite good,

which is exactly what they
would've wanted. Let me try that.

See what I mean? No, same.

I really like it,
it's really done something to me.

Thanks. I think maybe I've changed.

Let's hope. Who's next?

Rose Matafeo's knees or elbows here.

Hmm.

Those are her knees,
and her feet at the top.

LAUGHTER

Think classic Hollywood,
think Cleopatra.

That's Richard Burton
and Elizabeth Taylor?

Isn't that weird? I mentioned them.
Don't look at me like that.

What about that doesn't look like...
This is Richard Burton?

That actually looks
like Richard Burton.

Can you take the image down for me
for a second? Here we go.

I know a Richard Burton quote,

I'm going to say the quote,

then we'll bring that up

and we'll see if it fits. OK. Ready?

AS RICHARD BURTON: "I might run
from her for a thousand years,

and she is still my baby.

Our love is so intense,
we burn each other out."

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Perfect. Perfect.

Thank you for proving my point.

OK, who's left?

Body art ultra-fan Ed Gamble.

Here's his recognisable pair.

GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Oh, God!

Oh, my God, Ed!

I can't look at that.

It's actually disgusting.

Is it two boxers?

They have had a fight,
that is the back story.

Is it Ross Kemp and his reflection?
The two Mitchell brothers?

Thank you, David!
APPLAUSE

Is it them as crisps?

LAUGHTER

Do you want to see all five sets
of knees and elbows on the screen?

Oh, yeah, that will really help,
won't it? OK.

That's what you've got to judge.

All right, my instinct is
I'm going to give Katy five points

cos it's the artwork... Thank you.

..on the joints
that I enjoyed the most.

GREG CHUCKLES

I'm sorry, one point to Jo,
I'm going the other end. OK.

I'm going to give two points
to Elizabeth Taylor.

So, it's two points to Rose Matafeo,

one point to Jo Brand,
and five points to Katy Wix. Yes.

The amount of pain and struggle

that went into Ed's needs to be
recognised to some extent,

but I hadn't got a clue
who they were,

whereas instantly
I knew that iconic image,

and he bothered to put a joke in.
Do you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to give both men
three marks,

that's the way I'm going to
play this. Three marks?

So, three points to David Baddiel
and Ed Gamble. There it is.

APPLAUSE

Hey, what's the scores?
Well, with one task left to go,

it's very exciting, David Baddiel
is still in the lead with 16 points.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

OK, please say farewell
to your chairs

and head to the stage
for the final task of the show.

Alex, who's going to read
the final task out? Ed Gamble. Hey!

"Standing in a queue,

draw the most accurate pictures.

Alex will show the person
at the back of the queue a picture.

The person at the back of the queue
must draw this picture

on the back of the person
in front of them.

The person at the front of the queue
must draw the picture

they think has been drawn
on the back of their pad.

You have one minute per drawing.

No-one may communicate
with anyone else.

The team with the most accurate
three drawings wins."

So, can I just check,

have I been put on a team
with David Baddiel?

LAUGHTER

Can I just say,
we've done it alphabetically.

OK. The thinking is,
there's a team of three there

who'll have to pass one drawing
across two backs,

and to make it fair,
you're with David Baddiel.

LAUGHTER

'Can the people at the back of the
queue come and look what I've got
on my card? That's you andEd, Jo.

Have a little look at that.
You may now no longer communicate.

Except with your finger.

OK, you have one minute, starting...

WHISTLE BLOWS
Let's draw.

Wh-- What are you doing?
No communication, please.

No communication.
I can't communicate.

LAUGHTER

He was gripping Ed's finger, and
stopping him from doing anything.

It's the most sensuous of the tasks
that we've done, I think.

Well, it depends how you look at it.

Right, David, that's it,
that's all you're getting, mate.

Six seconds left, six seconds.

What are you--
Why are you still drawing?!

LAUGHTER
WHISTLE BLOWS

Stop drawing, stop drawing!
What the living fuck have you done?!

No communication. Please wait,
please wait, stay at the front!

You were literally
just drawing anything!

Rose, show Greg what you've done,

just hold it up
and prop it on the table, please.

Thank you. That is a lovely...

Cow? A dog? A cow or a dog, OK.

And David, please show him
what you've done. David, you prick.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

At no point did my
finger leave your back,

so I don't know how you've got
eyes and eyeballs. Yeah.

Well, you were supposed to do...
a horse.

Horse. Oh, well done!

It didn't occur to me
it wouldn't be a person.

Did you hear that? He just said,

"It didn't occur to me
that it wouldn't be a person."

OK, please, David,
come to the back of the queue,

and, Ed, turn over a couple of pages
so it's blank. You can do this.

I'd like David and Rose to come
and see what's on my card.

It's going to be a human face,
isn't it? You may no longer...

You may no longer communicate.

OK, you have one minute, starting...

WHISTLE BLOWS
Let's draw.

Can't wait to see this.

I'm doing it again. You're doing it
again? No, you can't do it again.

This is all communication.

It's not helping.
Ten seconds, ten seconds.

Don't get your team disqualified,
please.

Five seconds left.
KATY GIGGLES

Oh, guys.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I'm really sorry.
Ed, do you want to show,

first of all,
Greg what you've drawn?

Yeah, sorry, we cheated a bit,
the communication really helped.

LAUGHTER

Why did you do that?
That's what you did on my back.

That is not what I did on your back!
Thank you. Katy, please reveal.

I'm really sorry. I'm really sorry.

LAUGHTER

Wow. At best, I would say it was...

a jellyfish?

Well, they were supposed to draw...
a church.

LAUGHTER

I'd have to give that to them,

because there are at least
angles in it. Yes.

So, yeah, we're going to
give that to the gents.

So, it's 1-1, time for the decider.

The big one.
Katy, come to the back of the queue.

Ed, come to the back of the queue.
We can do it. Lose that rage.

OK, my tactic for this one is,

feel what I'm doing, don't just
decide to do your own thing. OK.

No, I get that. I get that.

Ed and Katy, please come
and look at what's on the card.

Oh, OK. No communication
from now on, please.

You have one minute,

starting...
WHISTLE BLOWS

Katy's using very big,
flamboyant movements at the back.

Look at the stance on Gamble.
Great, yeah.

Two seconds left.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS
Stop, stop.

Stop, no communication.

Wow.

Jo Brand, please show Greg
what you've drawn.

Oh. What do you think
you've drawn, Jo?

Fuck knows.
LAUGHTER

It looks to me like a close-up
of a human hair follicle.

OK, a human hair follicle on this
side. Can we see David's drawing?

Can I? Yes, please,
show Greg what you've drawn.

LAUGHTER

Is it a cubist men's genitals?

Would you like to see it? Yes,
please! They were meant to do...

three aubergines.
LAUGHTER

That's hard, though.
Ours is pretty close. Not bad.

APPLAUSE

I've come to my decision,
let's get it out the way with now.

Five points to the ladies,
three points to the gents.

There we have it,
the ladies win five points each.

Come back down,
we'll add those to the final scores.

Going into the final,
that means David is on 118...

'I can't win it, is that what
you're saying? Yeah, but that was
three episodes ago.

OK.

Jo's on 144, Rose 147, Katy 149,

Ed, a lead of six points
going into the final on 155.

There we are.
APPLAUSE

So, Alex?
The scores for this episode,

we have three people tied
in second place on 17 points,

but, for the first time,
he's won an episode,

David Baddiel has got 19 points!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE WHISTLES AND CHEERS

Episode nine
belongs to David Baddiel!

Please, take Ed up to the stage

and wax him until he's silky smooth!

APPLAUSE

So...

what have we learned today?

Well, they say a rolling stone
gathers no moss.

It can't, it's got
a fully grown woman underneath it.

Go and get some rest,
and we'll see you next time

for the fancy old final,

but, for now, please roar once more
for tonight's unexpected winner,

David Baddiel!
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

ED YELLS

HE SHOUTS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media