Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 7 - A Cuddle - full transcript

Katy Wix is back; she's throwing eggs, sculpting mash and sucking fingers. Plus, Jo Brand reveals her psychic powers.

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---
Aaagh!

Ohh!

Hold it. What?

Aagh!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, thank you.

'If you like seeing an overweight
middle-aged man getting high
on power, dishing out judgments,

'then shrieking and clapping
like an elephant bull seal,
you've come to the right place.

Welcome to Taskmaster!



CHEERING

'There are five competitors
waiting over there emitting
the distinctive smell of fear.

Their names are...

David Baddiel!
CHEERING

Ed Gamble!

Jo Brand!

Katy Wix!

And Rose Matafeo!

And sitting next to me, here he is,

some crumbs in his beard
dating back to the '90s,

it's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Hi, Greg. How are you this week?
I'm all right.



Would you like to know what I've
been up to? I wouldn't, actually.

'LAUGHTER
Because I thought
I might handle the banter section.

I've got some stuff that I... No.

Because look what I've found,
everyone.

I've found
little Alex Horne's childhood diary.

LAUGHTER

From 1985. '85?
Oh, yeah, I was seven.

Let's just see what little Alex
was up to. Here we are.

"I had a lovely time today.

"I made up a task where you catch
plastic ducks in a big net.

"I was so excited, I pulled my
shorts down and rubbed my little..."

LAUGHTER

"I pulled my shorts down
and rubbed my little dingle.

'"Uh-oh! The curtains were open
and the man next door told Mum
that I was rotten to the core."

LAUGHTER

Oh...

APPLAUSE

OK, what's the prize task today?

'This week, we've asked them
to bring in the best thing they've
taken from somebody else's house.

'Oh! Just like that time
you came to my house
and took all the doors and food.

I wanted to have a barbecue!

OK, OK.

David, what house have you been to
and taken something from?

A few months ago,
I went to this house...

'That's me at Buckingham Palace
where I was handing out
Duke of Edinburgh Awards,

and from that very house
I took this.

LAUGHTER

That is
some Buckingham Palace toilet paper.

'And do you know what? I went into
the cubicles at Buckingham Palace.
I didn't even need a shit.

And you took one sheet? Yeah.

'I'm slightly disappointed with it,
I have to say, because I was hoping
the Queen's face might be on it.

'I believe there used to be...
Henry VIII used to have a bloke
who actually wiped his arsefor him.

Isn't that correct, Alex?
I can tell you've got...

"Henry VIII had a person who wiped
his arse for him..." Yes, yes.

'Andrex have the royal warrant.
From 1978, they've had that.
Do they? Yeah.

'Shield Pest have got pest control.
So you cooked... Sorry. Strong Vend
have got vending machines.

'And Indepth Hygiene Services
have got the warrant
for deep kitchen cleaning.

I'm glad you stopped me for that.
Yeah.

Thanks for starting us off
with a piece of toilet roll, David.

'Edward Gamble? Well, I've got a few
things that I stole from this house.
This is the first picture.

Hmm... It's a little
sort of antler head.

Is it Father Christmas's house?
LAUGHTER

OK, let's have the next picture.
What is it?

'Shall we have the last ornament?
Then we'll try and guess who it is
after that.

There we go.
LAUGHTER

You stole those things from Greg?
Yes, from Greg's house.

'Is Greg asleep most of the time?
I'll tell you what Greg was doing
while I was stealing thosethings.

He was in his hot tub.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'I would like to point out that
my hot tub is an inflatable hot tub.
I'm keeping it real.

Who's next? Katy. Hello. For the last
two weeks, Katy has been off ill.

But now she's back. Hooray!

APPLAUSE

'Can I show you the object first?
I think you'll recognise the thing
that I took. This is whatshe took.

So that's the trophy,
which you'll recognise.

It's not this one? No.

Does the name Kerry Godliman
mean anything to you?

Yes.

'She keeps it in the shittiest room
in the whole house.
I don't know if you can see it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
Oh, my God!

That is an outrage, Godliman!

I went round pretending
that I needed to borrow the cat box.

I don't have a cat,
but she didn't ask or seem to care.

'I snuck it inside the cat box and
managed to basically sneak it out
without her noticing.

'So Godliman doesn't even know
it's missing? No. But it looks
like she wouldn't give a shit.

Good. Well stolen. Rose?

So this thing I've stolen
is from the Taskmaster house itself.

Oh... But I've improved it by, um...

LAUGHTER

..taking photos of me
wearing the hat

and putting it on the hat
there, uh...

'..which I think is quite cool and
makes it the best thing taken from
someone else's house.

Yee-ha!
LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ.

All right, Jo, what have you stolen
from someone's house?

That.

It's a ceramic phrenology
tattoo head. Right.

Whose house did you steal it from
and how can we make it entertaining?

LAUGHTER

Sigmund Freud's.

Oh!

Oh, fuck it, I wish it was!

It's from my friend Betty's house.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, and I didn't steal it.
I asked her if I could have it.

I mean, obviously, Jo, one point.

Rose, I'm giving you two points.
What?

It's a cowboy hat from the set!
Yeah, but...

Ed, you never steal things from
my house. Three points. How dare you!

Katy, we've wronged a right there.

And, Godliman, I'll see you later!

I find this incredible

that I'm giving five points
to a piece of shit roll.

I'm doing that
just cos it was Buckingham Palace.

Thank you very much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Right, shall we get started?
Oh, I think so. What better thing to
start the day with than eggs? Hmm...

Hello, David. Where are we?
We're in a wasteland.

Welcome to the meadow. Thank you.

Do you like it? Not really, no. No.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Guys, I've realised how hungry I am
when I open this.

"Get an entire egg
into one of those metal things."

That's a pretty poor description.
Could you not do better than...?

That was the best I could do.
No, OK.

These eggs into one
of these metal things? OK.

'"The highest single score wins.
If you get an entire egg
into one of those metal things,

"without the egg breaking,
the score is doubled."

Oh, I've already lost
the will to live. Yes.

'"You may not move the chair
or the metal things
and you must release your egg..."

SHE LAUGHS

"..while on the chair.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

That's quite a daunting prospect,
isn't it? Is it?

APPLAUSE

So they've got to get an egg
into a thing?

They were all quite angry
about the task.

I'm very excited to see them.

'Katy, when you said,
"I've just realised how hungry I am,"
had you seen the eggs?

'No, I think I just forgot
that you don't have to say
everything that you think.

'You quietly say things to yourself
and I'm beginning to think
that you might be an evil robot.

"I've just realised how hungry I am."
HE MAKES HIGH-PITCHED BEEPS

Let's see some stuff. OK,
so the highest score is what counts.

'If the egg didn't break, the score
was doubled. The first person
we're gonna see is Ed Gamble.

But what... I don't...
How much is it per egg?

Are they one...one egg...one an egg?

Are they one an egg? One an egg?
Are they one an egg?

Cos there's no numbers on the eggs.
Right, I've got you.

Two.

Ten. Eight.

20.

That's the... Oh, 30!

He's on the chair.

Did that go in? No.

That went in.

It came out again.
Are you fucking shitting me?

It all came out the bottom.
Cos there's a hole in the bottom.

The entire egg went into
the metal thing. Came out again.

At no point does it say
it can't come out again. OK.

Oh, things!

Some plasters.

'Whoa-oa!
# Why didn't you do this first,
you stupid twat? #

I've still got... Fucking hell!

I don't know.
This is not gonna help, is it?

The fingers might interrupt the...

Yeah, that's broken.

Right. Oh, you...

That's the end of that task.

The entire egg's got to go in, Ed.
Yes, mate.

Ten points.

What a disaster!
Thank you, Ed. Thank you.

APPLAUSE

'I seem to be assassinating people's
characters today. I wrote down,
"You're an exact combination

"between a happy young squirrel
and an old lady."

LAUGHTER

I'll take that.
That's the sweet spot. Yeah.

Sayonara, part one.
It's been nice knowing you. Bye!

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster

where our childish contestants
are throwing eggs.

Yes, Rose and David are about
to throw eggs too and here they are.

What's this? The first-aid box.

You know what? This is a very simple
task, isn't it? OK, here we go.

I suppose I could wrap up the egg,
so it doesn't get hurt.

SHE MUTTERS TO HERSELF

Oh, God!

OK.

Does that count
as one of the metal things?

Do you think that helps?
Shall I test it?

You see? I've saved it.

I might give it one more.

Though that has slightly cracked.

I've got to use this one
now that I've done it.

Nine. Nine? Yeah.
Nine eggs in that one.

Here we go.

So I guess that's it. OK.

I think ingenuity's over.

It's a tricky one.

Do I risk it all?

"You must release your egg
while on the chair."

Right, so if I do this...

Now, I consider that releasing...

Bollocks!

I'm gonna stick to my guns.
OK. Fuck it!

I'll do that again,
so I've released the egg, right?

There we go. Thank you, David.
Thank you.

Did they break, Rose?

No. So should their score
be doubled?

Yeah. You're playing games with me!

APPLAUSE

Did you really think
you could outfox Alex Horne?

Making these tasks up
is literally all he has in his life.

That is a quote from his wife.

LAUGHTER

In my defence, I...I...
I've got no defence.

'It was the highest single score.
You scored minus ten, cos
that's minus five doubled. Gorgeous.

This is interesting,
this phrase, "Release the egg."

Have you got problems with,
"Release the egg"? I put it to you

'that the shell is part of the egg
and that you are not
an egg liberator.

The egg is not living
inside its evil shell prison.

Well, do I not put the shell in
as well?

'The shell is not relevant
to the egg. The eggs of birds
are enclosed in a chalky shell.

So an egg is not...
The shell is not part of the egg?

It's called an eggshell.
It's the shell around an egg.

Well, there you are,
I liberated the fucking egg!

Oh, my God, he released the egg!

APPLAUSE
I am the egg liberator!

'If you're allowing the egg,
he scored eight points.
I'm allowing the egg.

APPLAUSE
I'm an egg liberator.

He's in second place so far.
Alex, who's left?

'Well, finally, they've got the same
names as my cousin and his wife -
it's Katy and Jo.

LAUGHTER

Can they go in any metal thing?

'All the information's on the card.
You always say that.
It's so annoying. Yeah.

Can I just confirm your tactic here,
Katy?

To have fun.

Why have you used the words
"an entire egg"?

'Because, obviously,
I'm kind of thinking
of breaking them into 14 pieces

and trying to get a 14th in. Why
would you bother to even say that?

Look, that's rubbish.

Can you hold this?
Can you hold it thus?

OK, I'm on the chair.
RATTLING

SMASH
I think it broke.

That's it, then.

This'll do it. So I have to get
as many as I can in...

Oh, see, I don't understand.
Into all... Eeeh!

I don't know what's happening
any more. Stick it in the old glove.

Is it actually written on them?

Oh, I see. Six, eight, one.

Yeah, it's in.

Oh, God...
That felt like it was aimed at me.

Well, there's one in. Yes.
Thanks, Alex. See you later.

APPLAUSE

Pleased with yourself?
Not particularly.

You did all right.
You constructed a tunnel.

Yeah. You got an egg in the one
with two points.

You've got to feel some joy in life.

'I have a lot of joy in my life,
just not standing
on a bit of fucking wasteland!

'Katy, I thought
that the quiet robot came out
at the beginning again there.

"What's your tactic?"
"Just having fun."

In fact, you had lots of tactics,
didn't you?

'I didn't understand
what was going on.
That's why I started just throwing.

Then I understood
and that's when I protected my egg.

'She was the only one who
successfully protected her egg.
Really?

'It didn't smash?
No, it did not smash,
and she threw it into the tube...

'Bearing in mind that the leader
so far is Ed with ten,
her tube was worth six points.

Wow!

So she gets 12 points.

12 points. That seems ridiculous.
APPLAUSE

Rose comes last,
so she gets one point for that.

The egg points don't transfer
into actual points.

'It was minus ten. Jo got two points,
gets two points. David got
eight points, he gets threepoints.

Ed got ten points,
so he gets four points.

And Katy got 12 points
and also gets five points.

So Katy Wix wins the task!

APPLAUSE
That was a complete fluke.

Can we have a sweet, sweet scoreboard
update, please, Alex?

Of course you can. We have joint
last place, Jo and Rose on three,

but Katy Wix is in the lead
with nine points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She is back!

Why don't we see another lovely task?
Non-egg-based.

'Non-egg-based. OK, we've got them
building tourist attractions now.
Here we go.

Here you go, David. Thank you.
Oh, thank you.

SHE LAUGHS LOUDLY
No!

Thank you.

"Forge the best Mount Rushmore.

'"You have ten minutes to write
your shopping list and 30 minutes
to forge your Mount Rushmore.

"Your time starts now."

Oh, God!

Forge...

'Does it mean "forge it"
as in, like, become a blacksmith
for half an hour?

I mean, clay, I suppose. I could
make just a big lump of clay.

'You need, like, thousands of...
billions of years, really,
to forge a mountain.

I'm so bad at building things.

Lincoln, Jefferson, Washington,

Trump.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you want to kick off? Yes.

We're gonna start
with David Baddiel and Jo Brand,

two classic comedians
from the 1980s.

So I'm gonna do three
that I can remember,

and then the fourth one,
I'm just gonna do Donald Trump.

OK...

Hmm, I think possibly...

Possibly I'm going to make this
quite shit.

OK, so if you could just stick
your head... Perfect.

Oh, can you help?

OK.

JO LAUGHS

Oh...

Ow! Oh, God!

Are you all right, David?
Yeah. That really hurt.

Could you sort of look a bit pained,
like you've just been shot?

So, Lincoln... Do you want me
to go in? Yeah, put your head in.

So this is hair.

Can you put it like that?

That's nice.

That's the spit
of George Washington.

'So get ready and, on one,
stick your heads through.
On one or after one? On one?

In we go.

Three, two, one, zero!

APPLAUSE

Not bad.

I mean, both not bad.

Thank you. Not bad openers.

'I mean, Jo's looked
like some delinquent Scouts
looking out through their tent.

That's what Mount Rushmore
looks like. Yes.

Good. You put plants in, David.

'Yeah, I thought
there'd be a little foliage
at the bottom of the mountain

and I put a sign to the parking.

Jo spent a lot of time on, um...hair.

I mean, the more I look at it,
it looks like a bin bag

that four people are trying
to get out of,

whereas David's is surprisingly good.

No, it isn't. Yes, it is.

'He has got the angles right,
about the right distance
between the heads. Has he?

Yes, it's not bad. It's genuinely
not a bad attempt. Good.

And thus part two ends. Go!

Go and watch your sassy outfits.
See if I care.

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster!

'You'll be pleased to hear that during
the break, Alex learnt how to make
the noise of an Africanelephant.

Aaah!

'Before the break, we witnessed
Jo and David's attempt at forging
their own Mount Rushmores

by getting people with faces
to stand still.

Genuinely, my best attempt.
Next up...

He went to school in Wimbledon -
it's Ed Gambledon! Here we go.

'So this is my Mount Rushmore,
so it features me and all the things
that are important tome.

Oh, yeah. Hello.

My fiancee.
She's going to be on there.

Lovely blonde hair. Natural blonde.

Food. I like food.

Does the Taskmaster like pizza?
Yes.

Looking good, baby!

I like heavy metal music.

Why? Why?
Cos it's great music, Alex.

OK...

Ozzy Osbourne.

Right, now we're at
the zhuzhing phase.

A few sprinkles.

That's the sun shining down on it.

An owl, of course. To signify love.

This is making me part of the rock,
you see? Yeah.

Ready? Yeah.

You see? Yeah...

APPLAUSE

I mean, you know, fair play.
We didn't say THE Mount Rushmore.

It's A Mount Rushmore. I'd buy that.
"Best Mount Rushmore."

Yeah, I mean...

There's a lot going on.

'There's cheese on it.
I mean, I don't look happy with it
there, do I?

What does your giant
clay-covered face represent? Me.

'Oh. You like yourself.
I'm on my own Mount Rushmore because
it's me and my favourite things.

'It's pretty charming.
It is also evidence for someone being
committed to an institution.

Yeah, it had a real feel of therapy
and making something about it.

'It was a very positive experience
for me. No, I didn't mean that
as a compliment.

Finally? It's two people whose names
rhyme with breakfast cereal.

Weetabix - Katy Wix.

And Corn Flakes - Rose Matafeo.

'Going to make some chips.
No, we're going to make
Mount Rushmore. I'm ready.

Just trying to picture the shape.

Lincoln here.
Er...is it Roosevelt next?

Now to carve!
Am I going to do Abraham Lincoln?

I didn't think it would be
this difficult.

Has this one got glasses?

'Oh, this one's got a moustache,
hasn't he? I remember that
from the Superman film.

'Carving, it turns out,
is a bit harder
than I originally thought.

Just trying to get a bit of depth.

That one's terrifying.

Shit. Oh, God.
I've made the nose look like a dick.

Oh, it's sinking!

The guy looks like you!

I just need to put
the eyeballs in.

ROSE CACKLES

WHISTLE

APPLAUSE

'I think Mash Rushmore
is actually really impressive.
Oh, thank you.

It actually does look like
a beautiful statue.

I mean, there are evil ghouls...

'LAUGHTER
If this task had been "make
the statues from Easter Island

'"out of potatoes",
you would be crashing up to
five fat points here.

'I'd argue if you're going to take
Ed's one as a version
of Mount Rushmore,

then surely that stands up.

It's the things
that are important to Rose. Yeah.

'Potatoes and long-nosed men?
The four potato men that haunt
my dreams.

'LAUGHTER
Let's hand out some points.
There we go.

What's making me laugh is Jo...

It is shit, in context, though, Jo,
isn't it?

But it's entertaining.

It's the best one...for some people.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, one point to Jo.

Oh, my God. It's genuinely hard.

The two that I'm instinctively
drawn to as proper Mount Rushmores

are...

It's Mash Rushmore and David's.

I'm going to give them five points
each. Joint winners, David and Katy.

OK.
CHEERING

'I mean, it doesn't look
anything like Mount Rushmore,
but looking at it up there,

I think that Rose's is a work of art,

but I'm touched
by the sentiment of Ed's.

So I'm going to give them both
four points.

'Five points to David and Katy,
four points to Ed and Rose
and just one point... No, no.

'That's an outrage! No,
I'm going to give Jo a pity point
to take her up to two points.

I don't want
your fucking pity point!

Well, you're fucking having it!
I don't want it.

'I want more points. I'll give you
three if you argue with me again!
Piss off! Three points to Jo Brand!

CHEERING
I keep going.

Five to David and Katy, four to Rose
and Ed and three points to Jo Brand!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another one, please,
little Alex Horne.

Right. Ow!

Say your prayers, Greg.

Hello. Hello, David.
How are you? I'm good.

We're going to start this one with
a cuddle, if that's all right. Yes.

A little cuddle? If you don't mind.
Oh, no, of course not.

I really like you, Ed Gamble.
I really like you, Alex Horne.

Oh...

Between us? Mm-hm.

You all right? I needed that.

Thank you. OK.

Have you put something on my back?
Honestly, I'm so paranoid.

Is there a mirror? No?
All right, joking.

Thank you.

"Join your hands together
so your palms are touching

"and each finger of one hand

"is touching the equivalent finger
of the other hand."

'OK, I'll do that. "Your hands
must stay in this position
for the entirety of the task.

"Now turn the task over."

That's a pain. "Put the most
gold rings on this drumstick.

"You have five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

What's this?
Why have I got that on my...?

Did you cuddle me and put that on?

APPLAUSE

'More and more, David,
I feel that this entire series
is just a study of you.

Yeah. Give me your thing.

Hand? No. Oh. Your iPad.
There it is. Yeah.

That's pretty easy for me
to hold an iPad. I see that now.

It removed the power
of your hands and arms? Yeah.

Well, it does
if you're a bit strange.

APPLAUSE

'There were five gold rings to find
available in the room.
There's always five.

'Yeah. They always sit next to each
other, they're there together again.
It's Jo and Katy first.

I'm presum... Oh.

For goodness' sake!

Oh. That's not really a gold ring,
is it?

They're not gold rings.
That's what I think.

Oh, that's good.

That won't even go on there.
Goodbye to that.

Oh, no! I've broken it!

Yeah, there's one there.

One, hey. One.

One.

Gold rings in the room!

Have you got one on? Yes.

LAUGHTER

You've got one on. Yeah.

I think...

Come on...

OK.

Anyone else?

Right...

Oh!

Done!
WHISTLE

Thanks, Jo. Should it end
with a hug as well? Yes!

Have you put a gold ring
on my back? What?

Yeah, go on, then.

'I don't think I would have been able
to do very much with that.
I'm not very flexible.

'No, fair enough. It would have
stayed there for, like, probably
for the rest of my life.

APPLAUSE

Possibly the least erotic piece
of film I've ever seen in my life.

'That really backfired on Alex Horne
because I thought it was weird
when he started hugging people.

'He doesn't like physical contact.
But you were creepily good
at putting things on people's backs.

I practised for that task and I was
very nervous about doing it.

'You didn't like the ladies
taking the rings off your fingers
with their mouths, did you?

You didn't like that
one little bit!

I was smiling
and looking uncomfortable.

And sweaty. You were quite sweaty.

LAUGHTER
Was he?

That's the only bit I enjoyed.

Actually, how many rings
did they get each? Did you not see?

Yeah, but I just wanted you
to sum it up. OK.

Well, Jo got two on
and Katy got three.

'They were both unlucky with the Hula
Hoop, which would have counted.
Right, OK. Part Three iscomplete.

Who will win the Taskmaster trophy?

Not this one here, but the one that
Kerry Godliman chucked in her garage.

Find out in Part Four.

Hello, everyone! We've made it
to the last part of the show

and there's only a smidge of a task
left to complete.

We've already seen Jo and Katy
trying to find the golden rings.

Here are Ed, Rose and David grouped
together to complete the story.

That really hurts!

Hmm, it's a little bowl of beans.

Gold rings?
Gold rings, please, yeah.

There's no bloody gold rings
in here!

So far I can see one gold ring
over there

and the one on my back.

I've got five minutes.
Let me think this through.

Matches? What?

OK...

LAUGHTER

Aaah!

Oh, fuck...

Please.

Why is this so hard?
Why is it so hard?

Aargh!

Fuck!

Goddammit! I hate you so much!

I hate you so much!

Come out of there!

The thing is, the problem is...the
bean juice makes it quite slippy.

Aargh!

Oh, very clever.

Very clever.

I knew you wouldn't just hug me
because you wanted to. Cuddle.

Get in.

WHISTLE
Thank you, David.

SHE MUTTERS

WHISTLE

WHISTLE
OK, you've got two.

Three. Thank you, Ed. See you later.

I've done it. You did well.

APPLAUSE

So yet again your roar
of a mighty lion came out again.

YEAH!

I enjoy it. I am so sad.

Let's shine a light
on David's method...

OK. ..for getting the back ring.

That was beautiful.
It's an extraordinary decision.

I'm glad, though, I didn't spot
the ring on your finger.

Cos I think me licking that
off your finger would have given you

a very strange feeling
in your dingle.

'Did you feel
that your youthful exuberance
got worn down during the task, Ed?

I thought it was quite frustrating.
A frustrating task.

'When I realised there was one
on my back, I couldn't even be
bothered to be angry at thatpoint.

"Yeah, very clever."

'Was anyone else really upset when
you realised that the only reason
Alex cuddled you was to dothat?

'I felt really hurt. Yeah.
We've started off a couple of tasks
hugging, though.

'Or I tried to, didn't I? Yes,
after that, you thought that's what
we'd do from then on.Yeah!

David only got one ring
on his stick in the end,

but he was very pleased.
He said, "I've done it!"

One ring on your stick
is better than none, David. Yes.

'Rose and Jo both got two rings
on their sticks so they came
joint second and get three points.

Katy and Ed both got three,
so share five points each!

Yay!
APPLAUSE

'How's the scoreboard looking, Alex?
Well, I can tell you
the scores are now like this.

We can see the leader is Katy Wix
with 19 points!

APPLAUSE

Please stand up and head to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Welcome to the stage. Alex, who will
be reading the task out? Katy Wix.

Excellent.
SHE CLEARS THROAT

"Read the Taskmaster's mind.

"The Taskmaster will choose a card.

"You must state if that card
features a horse or a laminator.

"You will receive one point
for every correct answer in a row."

'So there's no science to it.
Just guessing. You've got to read
his mind. You will sit opposite him.

You can talk to him and ask him
what he's picked, but he can lie.

'And you will get
an actual Taskmaster point
for every correct answer in a row,

so infinite points available here.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Let's play Horse or Laminator?

Katy Wix steps up.

Is it a horse?

Yes, it's a horse. One point!

'This thing that you put down,
when was the last time
you saw one in real life?

Um...three weeks ago.

OK. Is it another horse?

APPLAUSE

Um...OK, horse.

Three points!

It can't be... It can't really
be four horses, can it?

OK, fine, a horse.

CHEERING

Four points for Wix!

Oh, a laminator, fine.

Five points!

This is big!

Another horse. Looks like
the old master has taken her down.

Oh, I'm glad. Congratulations.

Five points.

'Whoo! Well, Ed, you're up next.
You need to get eight to tie
with Katy. Yep. Not gonna happen!

No. Hello, Greg. Hi, Ed.

Laminator.

CHEERING

One point!

Laminator.

AUDIENCE GROAN
See you later!

'Up next and still in with a chance
of winning his first episode,
it's David Baddiel!

I don't really know
what a laminator is.

So...it's a horse.

'AUDIENCE GROAN
Shit!

It's Rose Matafeo up next.

Can you wink if it's a horse?

Horse.

One point.
Can you wink if it's a horse?

Laminator. You told me to wink.

Up comes Jo Brand.

Jo's currently in last place.
If you get 15 in a row, you will...

..you will tie.
Piece of piss, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh, all right, is it a horse, then?

One point! She's on her way.
14 to go. 14 to go.

Laminator.

Two points!
CHEERING

She's overtaken
the person above her now.

Um...is it a horse?

It's a horse!

Um...is it a horse?

A horse!

How many have I got?
You've got four.

11 to go to tie.

Laminator. Oh, God!

Laminator. Oh, my God!
Six in a row!

Horse.

Oh, my God...!

Hang on, hang on. Right. Horse.

CHEERING

Just having a shit. Um...

Laminator. I am starting to think
she is reading my mind.

Nine in a row!

Um...

Horse.

It's got to end some time. Horse.

LOUD CHEER

Laminator.

Three to go.

Come on, let's... Everyone...
Put your hands around him.

Come on. Close his mind.

Laminator. No!

This is for 14.

Laminator. Oh, it's over!

Jo Brand gets 13 points!
Incredible, eh?

'Let's all go down
and we'll add up the scores
and we'll see who's won.

CHEERING

Well, well, well. Well, well, well.
Jo Brand has psychic power.

How did that affect the final scores,
you little monkey?

Well, the scores of that particular
task are unprecedented,

except that David got zero.
That's not unprecedented, is it?

'Ed and Rose both got one point.
Katy, we thought, was romping home
with five points.

Jo Brand gets 13 points for that!

That has affected
the series scoreboard incredibly.

I mean, David is on 89, but Rose is
now in second-last place on 113.

'Jo is on 115,
Katy's on 117, Ed's on 118!
It's incredibly exciting!

'But the actual episode was not won
by Jo Brand. She held on
right to the end...

Katy Wix wins the episode
with 24 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Please stand up and take home
all the things that have been taken
from home!

CHEERING

So what have we learnt today?

'We've learnt to beware of little
Alex Horne when he comes looking
for a cuddle.

'He doesn't want a cuddle at all!
The filthy little ferret is just
trying to get you to suck his finger!

But most importantly, we've learnt
Katy Wix came out on top

and has proven herself the very best!
Well done, Katy Wix!

CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media