Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 6 - Bready, Bready, Bready - full transcript

Katherine Ryan subs a still-ill Katy Wix, the team play around with bread-sticks and the Taskmaster is up to his old tricks.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Applause)

- Hello!

Welcome to our special little show.
And it is a special little show,

because this, ladies and gentlemen
is the 70th episode of Taskmaster.

Imagine that!

And joining us for this momentous occasion
are our fantastic contestants:

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Not Katy Wix



and Rose Matafeo.

And now for a man who answers the question,

what do you get if you throw fox hair
at a cylinder of meat?

It's little Alex Horne!

(Applause)

You alright?
-Yes.
- Ah, good.

- Ah that's it, is it?
- Well that's good.
But not everyone is well, are they?

- Well last week, Katy Wix couldn't make the show

because she was terribly unwell.
- That's right.

- This week 100% better, didn't want to be here.
So instead,

she sent another advocate to fight her corner.

This week somebody
who has a track record on this show.

She is a champion, the champion of series two,
it's Katherine Ryan!

(Applause)



- Welcome Katherine.
Do you have a tactic for standing in for Katy tonight?

- Yeah, Katy and I had a chat,
she has entered me
and I'm gonna be her advocate.

I'm the Robert Kardashian of today.

I'm gonna go balls to the walls for Katy.

- Beautiful, the man who got O.J. Simpson off, perfect.

Okay right, what is the prize category?

- Well it's a big one Greg,
they've been asked to bring in the thing

that if you found it in a field,
you'd be most pleased about.

- Straight into the lion's den Katherine Ryan.

What would Katy Wix be most happy about
if she found it in a field?

- Well, I feel that Katy's been alone
in many fields before.
I've been lost in fields

and all that I wanted

was a phone signal.

- That's what she's brought in.
- Ohh.

- There could be an emergency,

if you've got a phone signal,
you've got everything.

- You need a phone, though.
- Well yes, we're assuming that

young people have phones, David.

- Do you not think that modern technology's ruining the youth, Katherine?

I mean, I gave Alex a phone a couple of months back,
and all he did was

he downloaded 600 pictures of muscular women.

(Laughter)

- It was a-- yeah, it was a package.

- Rose.
- Hi!

- What would you most be delighted to find in a field?

- The thing I would be most pleased
about finding in the middle of a field
is a cryptex.

- I mean, I genuinely don't know
what you're talking about.

- So a cryptex is something that you have to open,

so there's something inside there.
You need to know a certain code.

The most depressing aspect of me buying this,
I've got to say,
is that as a single lady,

this, this is usually bought for engagements,

wedding proposals.
And so the default code,

that I don't know how to change
is "I love you".

And-- (laughs)

But how amazing would it be,

if in the middle of a field you found a cryptex.
Oh my God, an adventure is beginning.

- You okay?
- I'm alright, I don't know...

- Oh, hey no, Greg Greg Greg,
where's your sense of adventure?

- I think my sadness is more about how old I am,

'cause I can see how excited you are
about finding your cryptex in a field.

- It's not a new thing, this is like,
from the Da Vinci Code.

- Yeah, 2003.
- Yeah.

- David, what would you most like to find in a field?

- Uhh, well I'd like to find in a field,
most of all, this.

(Laughter and applause)

You know why, because I fucking hate fields.
I particularly don't like

being in the country in a field

and there being some weird
hieroglyphics on a gate,
like a yellow acorn.

And if you know the country code,
or whatever it is,
you know this is the path

to little Piddlebury, or whatever.
But if you don't know that,
then you end up

two days later, naked and screaming,
still in the field.

- I agree David, this is something
it's been a long time coming, this,

this is us exposing the arrogance
of the rambling community.

Alright I, I really like that.
- Okay.

- I like simple things.
- Well you should look happy then.

- Let's get out of a field,
you know what I mean?

Hello little Ed.
- Hello!
- What would you most like to find in a lovely field?

- Bear with me on this one,
it's a dead body.

- Here it is.

- Best prize ever.

- It's a dead body,
then you realise it's not a dead body,

it's just a mannequin,
and inside the cavity of the chest
is loads of Mini Eggs.

(Laughter and applause)

Get your face in his tummy.

I know you, you'd go to town on that straight away.
- You know I would.
- Yeah.

- I wouldn't question who put
Mini Eggs into a mannequin,

I'd just be troffing away,
of course I would.
And then I'd get my cryptex out of my pocket

and I'd find my way to Dan Brown's special church.

Jo,
- Yeah?

- Can you beat a weird mannequin full of Mini Eggs?
- Highly unlikely.
- Indeed.

- What I'd like to find in the middle of a field,

is what I did find in the middle of a field,
when I was at Glastonbury.

Which is a shopping trolley

with a built-in seat.

- Yep, here is the trolley.
- Now you are talking my language.

- Looks like a normal trolley,

not a normal trolley.
- Hello!

- Oh, that's good.

- That is so good.

- I tell you what, if there were Mini Eggs in it,
it would be better though wouldn't it?

- Or a commode.

- Ready to judge?
- Yes, ready to judge.

- What's the best--
- Right,
I really want to reject modern technology,

so I'm only going to give poor Katy,
absent as she is, one point.

- Poor, sick Katy gets one point.
- Sorry poor, sick Katy.

And Rose, I'm only giving you two points.

- Two points to Rose.
- Two points to lovely Rose.
Ohh dear, never mind.

I'm giving three points to David,

because I genuinely would be worried
about finding my way out of a field.

So that would be a useful thing to have.
- So it's between Ed and Jo.

- It's between Ed and Jo,
because these are things that appeal to me.
And I like resting,

and I like having lovely chocolate out of a--

out of a mannequin's stomach.
- Course you do.

- Which one do I like the most?
- I don't know.

- That's right, I like having lovely chocolate.

Four points to Jo Brand,
five points to this lunatic.

(Applause)

Right, I am ready for the first task, proper.

- Great, and this one involved them bodybuilding.
Here we go.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

Hello Rose.

- Hey Alex.

Is something supposed to be in here?
- Are you looking for the task?
- Yeah.

Where was I supposed to go?
- You're in the right place.

You just gotta open the--

- Ahhh!

- Wooaahh.

- Love it.

- Bit of fun.

- "Make a part of your body look abnormally long."

- "Most realistic and
abnormally extended body part wins."

- "You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts

nooooow."

- I'm just gonna say the words 'my cock',
and then move on.

(Applause)

- Everything's in place for us to get on, I think.

Ed and Rose are really excited by the task,
and David mentioned his penis.

- Okay, we're gonna start with Jo Brand
making a bit if her long,
here we go.

(Audience laughter)

- What a lovely long monobrow.

Your massive long extended eyebrow

that grew out of one eye,

and through the garden
and then grew back into your head,
to the other side.

- Yeah, that's amazing isn't it?
(Laughter)

I couldn't believe it either.
- Five points.

- I mean, I can tell you already,
it is-- it is the longest.

It was 95.5 metres of eyebrow.

The longest documented human hair
before that was 5.6 metres.

So it's smashed that.
- That was real though,
that was some clown who hasn't got a job

doing it for real, right?
Good, who's next?

- I wanna find out if he went cock or not.
Shall we have a look at David Baddiel?

- Hello Alex.
- Oh hello David.

I like your shadow.
- Thanks.
I've got an extended forehead.

- It is a big one.
- Is it-- is it quite-- it feels quite long.

- No, it's definitely long,
it's not very straight.
- Is that straight?

- It's swaying quite a lot.
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna just go in here.

- Oh alright then, I'll see you later.
- See you later.

- Do you want me to get the door for you?

- Actually no, I can open the door,
I can open the door, I can open the door!

(Applause)

- Love that your first thought was cock,

you made a cock, and at the last second
put it on your head.

- I mean, it's just rubbish David.

- You did say at the time,
the wig was the dog's bollocks.

You kept saying "the wig's the dog's bollocks".

And then you also said,
"I'm just a man doing things".
(Laughter)

- Did I?
- Yeah.

- What an epitaph.

Oh no, advert time.
Bye bye.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello.

Quickly now,
come on in, we've so much to get through.

- Yes, hurry up!
Before the break,

we didn't see Rose Matafeo

attempting to make a bit of her body
look abnormally long.
So let's see Rose Matafeo

make a bit of her body look abnormally long.

- Hey Alex!
- Hello Rose.

- What's up man?

- Nothing.

Why are you sitting like that Rose?
- Why am I sitting like what?

- Well, your legs are out the window,
and you're coming out of the roof.

- It's comfortable for me.

- I can see your right foot moving up and down.
- Wait, which is the-- which leg is moving?

- Your right leg's moving.
- Yep, I knew that.

- Why is your right foot moving
and your left foot isn't?

- Who's to say.
- What about your right hand?

- I don't see how that hand's relevant
to what I'm doing right now.

- Well, I'm gonna go back inside now Rose.
- Alright.

Put the-- put the kettle on.

- You don't want to come inside?
- No way, José.

- Okay, bye Rose.
- Goodbye!

(Applause)

Would you believe I'm single?

- Well, here's the thing,
I can tell you, us tall people,

nothing we like more...

than getting our lovely legs through a caravan.

And kickin' back,
and chillin' out.

- I don't know exactly how long the legs were,

but I've sort of done a projection just to show

if the legs went straight out the window,
if you have a look here,

then they are two metres.

(Laughter)

If she was balanced on some sort of a table,
I'm saying two metres 20.

But the longest leg's three metres,
would be if she went straight down,
have a look.

(Laughter)

So it's up to you, which one you think she went for.
- I am going to assume

that it is the third graphic.
- Option three.

It's a three metre leg.
- It's funny when things are too long.

- Tell me about it.

- Another body extension now,
and this one belongs to Mr. Ed Gamble.

- Hello!
- Hello.

- Finished?
- Think so.

Do you wanna guess which part I've done?

- No thank you.

(Applause)

- What I liked about that Ed,
is that the guy,

I assume you become a different character,
when you extend a leg to that extent.

- Sure, Long-leg Lenny.

- Old treble L,
- Yeah.
to me, seemed really at peace with himself.

- Oh, he loves having a long leg.

- He was kicking back on his little barrel.
- He takes that barrel everywhere.

- With his two knee joints,
having a lovely time.

Good, liked it, really liked it.

Liked his face, liked the task,
liked his denim,
(sings) what's next?

- Well, I mean I liked that.
Next up it's human in a helmet, it's Katy Wix.

(Applause)

- Well, certainly lovely long old tongue
from your missing sister.

- My client.

I loved it, because you know,
it had cinematic appeal,

it wasn't just like a one reveal shot.
- Oh ,no.

- But this tongue, it was really surprising.

Really realistic.

- Ahh now that's interesting,
I feel like I'm being gaslighted a little bit there,

because it wasn't realistic at all, was it.
Because it was square at the end,

and it was hairy down the sides.

- Those were tastebuds.

And it could lick and stick a lolly.

Steal it right out of Alex's mouth.

- How long was that lovely tongue?

- Two giraffes, or a quarter of the Arc de Triomphe.
12 metres.

12 metres.
- Irritating character.

Well look, I have to judge it on the criteria.
- Yes you do.

- And the criteria was longest.

- Yes.
- And most realistic.
- Most abnormally long and most realistic.

- Okay, we can safely determine one point, can't we?

- One point to David Baddiel, that's nice.
- Lovely.
- Let's jump up to joint third place.

Even though, and I'll tell you this,
he was my favourite character.

I'm gonna put it joint with Katy,
just because Katy's tongue

was square and had hair on it.

I'm going to give them three points each.
- Long, but unrealistic.
- Correct.

And I'm going to give four points to Rose Matafeo.

Simply because

it wasn't as long as Jo Brand's eyebrow.

- Okay Jo Brand gets five points!
(Applause)

- Scoreboard!

- Well it's interesting, Katy slash Katherine
and David are both joint bottom with four.

But at the top of the leaderboard
for a second episode in a row,

is Jo Brand with nine points.
(Applause)

- What have we got next?
- Next we have a little bit
of fruity hilly pushy snappy.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello David.
- How are you?

- I'm okay.
- Good.

- You?
- Lovely day.

- Yes.
- Isn't it?

- Yeah it's quite nice, quite sunny.
- Yeah.

Is that it?
- No no, no I've put something over there for you.

- Oh right, I didn't see that,
I thought we were just chatting.
- We never just chat.

- Okay.

- Hello Rose.
- Hello.

- Hello Alex.

- Hello Ed.

- "Push a melon up the slide,
and into the caravan with these breadsticks."

- "Only breadsticks may touch the melon at any point."

- "There is a bonus point for the fewest
breadsticks used."

- "You may not adjust the slide."
- Oh that slide, there's the breadsticks.

- "Fastest wins, your time

starts now."

- Is that your sort of thing?
- It's the least my sort of thing,

to be honest with you.

- I like to think of, ah,

lateral ways of doing these tasks.
- Yeah?
- This one,

it really is just about
pushing a melon up a slide with a breadstick, isn't it?

(Applause)

- There was a rule stipulated there,
that I think we need to really watch out for.

- Only breadsticks may touch the melon.
- Only breadsticks may touch the melon.

And I will be watching that

like a fat hawk.

(Laughter)

Play on.
- Rose Matafeo first.

- (Laughs)

I really underestimated how heavy a melon is.
- Yes, and how weak the breadsticks are.

Nearly there.

- No!

This is so cruel.

Does it count that I touched the melon
to put it back on the slide?

- Well...
- Oh God.

- Are you trying to work out how to
get the melon into the caravan with the breadsticks?

- Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah this is actually easy, isn't it.

That's actually kinda cool, isn't it.

(Applause)

- Well, the end was fairly spectacular.

Up until that point, I can't imagine
how anyone could do that worse.

- I was hoping your eyelids would be so fat,
the hawk wouldn't see.

- Oh, the hawk was watching.

- I, I don't have anything to defend myself here,
I did very badly.

I've disappointed my family and my country.
- Yep.

Goodnight, New Zealand.

Was it a long time?
- Well, it was 11 minutes and four seconds

of trying repeatedly, the same method.
(Laughter)

- There wasn't a lot of learning went on, was there?
- It wasn't a good day.

- It's ad time again, and the countdown begins.

180,

179,

178...

(Applause)

(Applause)

-Four,

three,
two,

one,

Hello!

Welcome back to part three.

Wasn't there something utterly pointless
going on before the break Alex Horne?

- Yes Greg, it's called Taskmaster.

Not only that, but the contestants
were trying to push a melon

up a slide using breadsticks.
We've done 69 and a half episodes of this.

And here are two more keen beans,

it's Katy and Jo having a go.

- What I basically want to do is
have a coating of breadsticks on my hands,

with super glue.
But then that's not really gonna be
a good idea for my future.

- Can I have some gaffer tape
and some rubber gloves, please.

- Yes.
- Tout de suite.

- I'm on my way.
Marigolds and some glue.
- Thank you.

Oh shhhh...

I don't like this coat anyway.
- Okay, I can do this.

- Ta-daaaa.

(Applause)

- I've stopped the clock.
All breadstick was it?

- All breadstick, baby.

- Okay well, my hawk senses are twitching here.

I think there was contact from something
other than breadstick,
on both of those attempts.

- There wasn't.
- What?!

- It was just breadsticks.
- I'm sure there was.
- There was glue underneath

and then there was breadsticks on top,
and then it was just literally

bready, bready, bready, bready...

bready, bready, bready, bready, bready in!

(Laughter and applause)

- Do you think it was bready ,bready,
or do you think it was bready, glovey, bready?

- I know it was bready, bready, bready for a part of it,

but I thought there was a bit of
gluey, gluey, gluey, glovey, bready--

- Bollocks, Alex.
- Yes.
- He was there, he was there.

- Katy, that was Katy, he got us mixed up.
- No, no, no, glove...

What glove?
Show me this glove.

If it fits Katy's hands,

perhaps you've got a case.
- Oh bready, glovey.

(Laughter)

- Last up, it's DavEd Gam-Baddiel.

- Obviously, I'm gonna have to try and

go with one.

Instantly.

- Two, I'm gonna go for two.

I see the problem.

- Only breadsticks may touch the melon--
- Yes, yes.

- at any point.
- At any point?

I'm massively in trouble now.
- Okay, now I have to pick it up chopstick-like,

to get it back.

I think this is harder than I thought it'd be.
- Yeah.

- Can I have some more breadsticks?

- These are all push-up breadsticks.

Okay?

- So those 10 are unused breadsticks?
- They were used to put the melon--

- Maneuver.
- Maneuver the melon,

into position.
- Put them together,
I've given up on the bonus.

- This looks better.
- Okay, okay.

- I still don't know how you're getting
the melon up on the slide.
- No, neither do I.

- I've stopped the clock.
How many do you think you used?
- One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven, eight.

Uhh 14 and a half.

- I think if you used half a breadstick,
that's a breadstick.

- You think half a breadstick's a breadstick?

- I think half a breadstick's a breadstick.

- Just write down 15 breadsticks.

I'm off carbs.

- Was that right?

(Applause)

- Oh captain, my captain.

(Laughter)

- Am I-- Everyone got it in the caravan,
I hardly got it on the slide.

(Laughter)

- I know, David.

- How can that be?
- I mean, I can only speak for myself,

the show has totally altered my opinion of you.

Ed, you started to get a little bit cross there,
I noticed at the end.

- I was just trying to make a distinction between

breadsticks that were used to maneuver the melon
and pushy-up breadsticks.
- Yep.

- And also, I don't think you can say
14 and a half breadsticks
is 15 breadsticks.

- Oh, what do you think the half one is then?
- It's half a breadstick.

- The mighty hawk of justice
sometimes must act swiftly.

Here is my judgement.
- Right.
- I am of the belief there is only one person

who made exclusively

bread to melon contact.

That person will take five points,
everybody else will receive nothing.

Ahhhh!

Five points to Ed Gamble!

- Okay so there is a bonus point for Katy Wix slash Katherine Ryan

for using only six breadsticks,
one bonus point!
- The hawk has spoken!

Let's have another sweet, sweet task.

- Certainly, and a chance for some
musical narcissism now.

- Hello!

- Hello, ooh did you bang your head?
- I did a bit.
- Okay.

- Hello, Rose.
- Awww.

- Thank you, oh.

- "Serenade yourself."

- "You have 20 minutes to perform and receive your serenade."
- "Most sensational

- "self serenade wins."

- "Your time starts now."

- Awww, I've never been serenaded before.

I don't know what it feels like.

- Have you ever serenaded someone?
- Never.
- Two firsts.

- Do you have a harp?
- A harp?
- Yeah.

- Done it.
- You finished?
- Yeah.

Don't like to think too much about these things.
Also,

I've had four number ones,
with lyrics that I wrote.
- Yeah, you mentioned that before.

- Didn't really think that much about them.

- I'm just supposed to write a serenade now, am I?

Oh, God.

(Applause)

- Katy asked for a harp there.
- Yeah.

- She's not here sadly,
for us to ask whether she can play the harp.

- No, she can't play the harp.

- Let's go.
- First up we're gonna see
definitely the most likely rapper amongst them,

it's Jo Brand.

- (Raps) "Jo Brand you are the knees to the bees.

"You don't smell, your hair's clean
and you always say please."
I'm moist.

"You send your mum a card every Mother's Day.

"and you've never been done for common affray."

I'm a roadman.

"You're old and you're fat, and you don't care.

"Remember that tortoise, he shat on that hare."

I'm nitty.

"Don't forget you're smart, smarter than your phone,

"and you don't say 'scon', no you say 'scone'."
I'm clapped.

"So well done Jo, for being so woke.

"Where's Mickey Gove, I need to score some coke."
I'm jarring!

(Cheering and applause)

I'm a roadman.

- So you say.

Um, is this young person speak?
- Yeah, my daughter said

recently to me, "You're moist."

And I went, I think you'll find
since the menopause I'm not.

- You showed her.
(Applause)

- She's all young person speak,
I've had to learn.
- Road man, what's roadman?

- A roadman is a particular type of teenage boy,

who basically hangs around on the pavement

with a group of other roadmen,
looking for trouble.

And they wear trousers that show their bum cracks.
- Oh roadman.

Not moist, guys.

Nitty?
- Nitty's an adjective for what a roadman is.

- Clapped?
- Ugly.

- Jarring?
- Annoying.

- Great rap, thank you.
(Applause)

Who's next?
- We're going to see what Katy Wix did.

Here we go.
- Yes.

- This is for you, baby.

(Sings) "You are adorable

"and you're wonderful.

"And you're so musical."

(intentionally inaudible)

(Continues to intentionally mumble)

No, I didn't, I didn't...

And I mean that.
Yeah.
Thanks, me too, me too.

Okay, see ya.

Thank you, thank you.

(Applause)

- Beautiful.
Now,

do we mark her down for keeping
a rose in her mouth while she was singing?
Or is there a

convoluted justification?

- Katy has been serenaded before.
And anyone who's had

just a teenage boy with a guitar,
in their mother's house,

will know that it's always uncomfortable.
And it's really awful,

and I think that was the message that Katy was giving.
Especially with her reactions.

- So what you're saying is that
Katy leaving the rose in her mouth,

is a powerful metaphor
for the clumsiness of young love.
- Yes.

- Oh no, he loves metaphors.

You do!
- I do, raaaaaaa!

Who's next?
- Next up,

he's got a lovely voice, when he's talking,
it's David Baddiel.
Here we go.

- Ready?

(Sings) "Alas, David Baddiel

"I do love you.

"Even though you're me,

"that is very confusing.

"Is it masturbation?

"In some sense, it is.

"It's certainly self love,

"and it's weird to kiss."

"But still, David you are the one.

"Because you are very, very nice.

"Oh wait a minute, I've changed my mind,

"because from here it's clear

"you have head lice."

(Applause)

- Well, I don't think it's unkind for me to say,

there's not likely to be a fifth number one.

- It was the speed at which--
When you wrote it you were like, "Yeah I'm done."

- Yeah, no I should have spent longer, shouldn't I?

- Alex,
- Yes, Greg?
- It's the end of part three.

- Whoa, that's nitty, I'm jarring.

(Applause)

(Applause)

- Hello.

Welcome back to the last part of the show.
Our cast have been serenading themselves silly.

- They certainly have,
and they've been absolute bangers so far.

Uh, now we've got Ed Gamble.

(Holds a note)

- (Sings) "I've looked around this whole wide world,

"searching for someone to call my girl.

"But they weren't right,
"and I have to agree.

"There's no one I love more than me.

"My nut-brown hair, my beautiful eyes.

"I'd like to caress
"my own milky thighs.

"Never again will I be left on the shelf.

"I've fallen in love
with my self."

Haaa!

(Cheering and applause)

- Do I like the coquettish...

the coquettish imp upstairs enjoying the song.

Or the crazy metal dude down?

Ed I thought it was wonderful.
- Thank you very much.

- And if I were the person upstairs,
having that sung to me

I would expect to have hands all over him
like a big spider.

(Laughter)

- Like a big spider.
Last to compose

some pros with a rose, is Rose.
Here we go.

- (Sings) "There's no smell sweeter,

"as my little chicka-teeta.

"I'm hoping that it's okay

"if I
order our bouquet."

Stop it.
"Well, you're acting rather horny,

"and it's getting me quite horny."

I'm blushing.
"Come on, baby light my fire,

"I promise not to fertilise ya.

"Well, I can't believe I met ya,

"in this suburban garden center.

"To love oneself is taboo but,

"as a matter ofeo

"I love

"yoouuuuuuu."

Bravo!

An amazing song.

For me?

I'm flattered.

(Cheering and applause)

- What a wonderful, modern, beautiful song.

Because, not only did you express your love,

you guarantee that you wouldn't be
impregnating yourself.

- It was very consensual.
- Phew!

God, this is a real, a real toughie this, isn't it?
- Okay, yes, yes, yes.

You're looking for most sensational serenade.
- Oh man.

Okay, I'm going to give David two points,
and let me tell you

one and a half of those points is pity.
(Laughter)

I think I'm going to give Katy three points.
And that's only because,

I don't know if she intended the metaphor.

I'll speak to her about it
and maybe I'll add a point on.

- Do you think you will?
- Nope.

Do you know what, I know it's a cop-out
they were all so brilliant for different reasons

I'm going to give every single one of them
five sweet points.

- Five to Rose, Jo and Ed.

(Applause)

- Okay, it is time for us all to saunter to the stage
for guess what?

The final task of the show!

(Applause)

Who's gonna read the task?
- Rose Matafeo is gonna read it out.

- It's a drawing of a muscley woman.

"Slide a drink to the taskmaster.
"The worst slider each round must leave the bar.

"The last person at the bar wins."
- So it's gonna be the person in first place

sliding first, so that's Ed.
The rest of you can sit on the bar stools, please.

What would you like to drink first of all?
- Half a pint of vodka.
- Yes please.

Okay you must stay on that spot there when sliding.
- I'm on the spot.

Whenever I go first in these it goes terribly wrong.

Good luck.

(Applause)

- Jo, it's you up next.
- Okay.

- Can you come to the bar, gonna wipe it down.
(Applause)

- I would like half a pint of vodka, please.

- Well, fuck off.

Yeah, alright then.

(Cheering and applause)

- Wow!

I'd like half a pint of vodka, please.
- Stick this in your cryptex.

- Not bad.

It's still Ed in last place.

- A half a pint of vodka, please.
- Yes, my lord.

(Cheering and applause)

- Last to throw is David Baddiel.
You've got to get beyond

Ed Gamble's to make it through to round two.
- If there's one person can nail this,

it's you.
- Okay.

First I got to point out, Im the only one
who didn't get a round of applause.
(Applause)

How's that, how's that meant to make me feel?
What would you like to drink?

- Half a pint of vodka, please.

- Coming up, you fat hawk.

- Yes!

- Greg, who's was the worst throw in round one?

- Well, Ed Gamble's.
- Ed Gamble is out of the game.

Right, this time up first, Jo Brand.

(Applause)

What would you like to drink, Greg?
- Probably a pint of gin.
Okay, gin.

- Jesus Christ.

Rose up next, up you come,
Rose Matafeo of course.
- You've got it, Rose!

- Pint of gin, please.

(Applause)

- Katherine Ryan, please.

Steady, it's steady.
- Steady as she goes.

- Okay, so the final thrower is of course,
David Baddiel.
(Cheering and applause)

- Stop taking the piss.

(Applause)

- Who's was the worst slide?

- Jo Brand's was the worst slide.
- We lose Jo Brand.
Two points for Jo.

Next to throw, it's Rose Matafeo.

What would you like to drink, Greg?

- I'd like a shot.
- Of?
- Sambuca.

- Fuck!

Shit!

- Katherine Ryan, please.
- Come on, Katherine.

- It's on the table.
- Yeah, that's a hard one.

- David Baddiel.
- Thank you.

(Applause)

- Yes!

(Applause)

- Who's was the worst out of those three?

- Rose Matafeo's was the worst.
- Rose Matafeo's the worst!
She's won the three points.

Well it's the final, it's Katy Wix
represented by Katherine Ryan, verses David Baddiel.

- Indeed it is, I'd like a lovely glass of white wine please.

- Okay, Katherine you're up first.
(Applause)

This is the final.
- Oh, this is awful wine.

- You're playing for Katy, come on.
- Okay Katy, loves wine.

- It's on the table.
(Applause)

- So the final slide, is David Baddiel.
(Applause)

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

- Let's go down and see how that's affected the final scores.

(Applause)

- The scores of that particular round as you saw,
Ed only got one point.

Then Jo two, Rose three, David four.
A valiant second place.
- Lovely work.

- But our superstar Katherine Ryan
gets the full five points.
(Applause)

- I'm sure Katy will be delighted.
- Yes, and the winner with 19 points,

is Ed Gamble!

- Ed Gamble wins, simple as that.

Please go and frolic with your field based goodies.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that times have changed.

The other day my Gran jarred up some jam,
and made a moist cake.

Turns out, she's a nitty street thug.
And my Granddad's a clapped roadman.

A huge thank you to Katherine Ryan.
And we hope that Katy will be back with us next week.

It's sleepy time for everybody at home,
and celebration time for tonight's winner

Ed Gamble!

(Applause)