Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 4 - Quisps - full transcript

Homoerotic water-features, a human donkey and peas in a tray. Plus, David just can't help taking his clothes off.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Cheering and applause)

- Hello, everyone!

And welcome to Taskmaster.

In just a few moments you will witness

the trials and tribulations of five comedians,

as they tackle tasks for me, Greg Davis.

Or, as I'm also known in certain circles:

22 stone of prime marbled beef!

But-- (stifling laughter)

Those awaiting judgement go by the names of:

David Baddiel,

Ed Gamble,

Jo Brand,

Katy Wix,

and Rose Matafeo!


And sitting uncomfortably next to me

is a man, who naked, looks like a weird ill monkey,

it's little Alex Horne!


- Hello Alex.
- Hello. Hi Greg, you alright?

- Yes, I'm very well, how are you?

- I'm looking forward to assisting you,
I love assisting you.

- Oh great, I love, um, chatting to you
and you assisting me.

- Great well, 'cause today
I've got a special assistant's drawer.

- Oh, good.
- I've got, um, what have I got, what sort of stuff do you--

I've got lots of cotton buds in case you get clogged again.

- Yeah.

Clogged again?
- Clogged again, you might get clogged again.

- Yeah, I might get clogged again.

- I've got dry wipes in case you get wet,

I've got wet wipes in case you get dry.

I've got, um

little nail scissors.

I've got bigger nail scissors with crimping things,

if you want, sort of more exotic nails.

And I've got gas and air,
because of your body situation.

- My body situation?

Let's crack on with the prize category today,
please Alex Horne.

- Okay, it's the one that should really prove itself

by the end of the show,
because we've asked them to bring in

the best thing to celebrate with,
on a stage.

- [Everyone] Ooohh.

It's five points for the best one,

and then five big celebrations at the end of the show.

- Jo Brand, what do you think the best thing
to celebrate with is, on stage?

- For me, the best thing

to celebrate with on stage, is a person.

And as he can't be here today,

there is a life-size cardboard cut-out of him.

And his name is Andy Robinson,

and he's a stand-up comedian and I've toured with him

for about 17 or 18 years.

He's the nicest man in comedy.

And I mean that, Greg.

- There he is.
- Look at him.

- Aww, that's nice.

- That's just celebrating on stage
with some cardboard, isn't it?

- Yeah, but it's a representation of his spirit.

- So, his spirit is cardboard?

- I'll tell you something about Andy Robinson,
he once infiltrated a cult.

- True.
- Really?

- It wasn't him actually,
It was a cardboard cut out.

- Now then, David.

- Well, I think the best thing to celebrate with

on a stage, is this.

Now, admittedly...


Admittedly, it might seem a down beat thing
to celebrate with.

But I thought you could add to it, this.
You see.

And then, and then this.

Right? And then, put it together,

you have a street party,

with an open top bus, on stage.

- Lovely.

That's great, and for those, um,

members of the community who have to use a mobility scooter,

I'm sure that'll give them a real lift.


So far, two things to celebrate on stage with,

have been really great.

- It's gonna-- it's about to get better.
- Wooooo.

- What better way to celebrate on stage

then with a candy floss machine.

- There it is,
it will be on stage at the end of the show.

- Tell me, is it a great thing to celebrate with?

- I tried to think of something
I hadn't seen anyone celebrate

with on stage, but that I'd like to see someone.

You know it's an action,
something to do with your hands.

- Yeah, there's Beyonce taking a final bow,

whipping up a big pink one.

- I thought it was a bit of a camp laugh.

- Paint a situation for me,

where you would celebrate
with that big camp laugh, though.

- Like, Wimbledon, something like that.

- Federer wins his ninth Wimbledon,

- Yeah.
- He runs round,

and he gets his racket.

- Great, any, like ball based sport,
anything like that.

- So, Rose

can you possibly do worse than any of these people?

- I have brought along all of the accoutrements

you would need for a ribbon cutting ceremony.

So, I have over sized scissors,

ribbons and, I think 'stonchions'?

- Stanchions.
- Yeah, I knew that.


I think this would be a really good
thing to celebrate with because

say you're a mayor, you know--

- Mayor?
That's closer to a meerkat than a mayor.

- You're the mayor.



I think it just adds a certain amount of ceremony to it.

Like if you're opening a new library, it's like,

it's not a celebration until you got
a ribbon and a big old pair of scissors.

- Listen it's supposed to be the best thing to celebrate with on stage.

Why am I opening a fucking library with it?

- Oh, you've got to celebrate opening a library.

- There's no stage.

Are we erecting a stage for me to go and open a library?

- Okay, well you know, chill out.


- One left.

- Uhhhhhh, Ed Gamble.

- Hello.
- Hello.

- I have brought the best thing to celebrate with on a stage.

I've made it myself.

It's what I like to call my 'Confetti Canon Party Pants.'

- Here they are.

(Laughter and applause)

- Right.

- How sensitive is it, does it go off very easily?


- Once you get used to it and become more experienced,

you know, you can release it
exactly when you want to.

- Yeah, great.

- Any follow up questions, Greg?

- Nope!

If you came on stage with that,
I would be celebrating straight away.


You've all done well,
so I'm not going to give anyone one point.

- Right.
- Okay.

But I'm going to put Katy and Rose with two points.

- Joint fourth.

- I like David's bus, because he took the trouble

to staple a bus onto a mobility scooter.

And I think it's probably
a very positive message somewhere,


Four points I'm giving to Jo.

Just because I want to make sure

that Andy Robinson doesn't get upset.

With five points,
because I want to see

all sparks and things flying out of his willy,

Ed Gamble.


Let's get a proper task on the way.

- Okay
- Sweet, sweet baby.

- Well, thank you.

Thank you daddy.
Okay, this one features water.

(Taskmaster task tune)

Hello, Rose.
- Hi.

- Have a stand on the compass.

- Oh compass, yeah.

- I can't see a task thing.



- Thank you.

- I see you as an Elizabethan washer woman.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- I thought we were gonna turn.

Just thinking that, how this is gonna move.

- "Make the most striking water feature."

- "You have 20 minutes."

- "Your time starts now."

- Water feature involves continuous supply of water, doesn't it?

Is there a hose?
Yeah, there is a hose.

- Do you want me to get you a hose?
- Yeah.

But I'd like it attached to something.

A tap.
- Yep, okay.


- What an interesting contrast in the reactions,

to Ed's reaction.

Because you were disappointed that we hadn't constructed

a giant turntable underneath the concrete,
so that you could revolve around.

- I think for a moment,
I thought I was in the film Labyrinth or something.

- Whereas, Ed saw some paper come through a mangle,

and was delighted by it.

David became a really boring teacher.

I wrote it down:
"A water feature involves a constant supply of water."


Ahhh, Mr. Baddiel,

can we go out and play?

Come on tube-head, let's see some action.

- Our first water feature film stars Rose Matafeo, Katy,

and it's everyone's favourite Brand, Jo.
Here we go.

- Do you have a hose I can use?

Where is it?
- Do you want me to go and get it for you?

- Yes please.

That attaches to a water source.

- Yes.
- Thank you.

- I think what I'm gonna do is

do a water feature in the sink.

This is a bit more complicated than I thought, Alex.

Well, what I'm going to do now is
I'm going to pour water.

- Here it comes.

- Ah, striking! (Laughs)

- I don't really know what's going to happen.

- So, here we go.

There we go, while you drink your cup of tea,

and you listen to the gentle tinkling sound

of a child's wee.

It's a little bit uneven, but it sounds nice.

- I mean, I should-- I added more stuff to it.

- I can't hear you very well,
'cause it's raining very hard.

- It is, isn't it.
- Yeah.

- I mean, I feel like I'm the water feature,
you know what I'm saying?

- Can I have a bit more water please?

Bit more please.

- Here it comes.

- It's gonna go into bloody space.

Oh my God, it's gonna explode.

- There it goes.

Is that your striking water feature?

- Yep, there she goes.

Look at that, that's beautiful.

- Wow.

- I think there's not much coming out of this duck.

It doesn't make a very relaxing noise at the end.



- It was really great, up until the point

you revealed that you were
pouring a child's urine through it.

And that it collapsed,
but it was really spectacular up until that point.

- Yeah, I thought it was working really well,
I quite like the bit at the end.

- And I thought yours was a fairly powerful metaphor,

Rose, for what humanity's done to the planet.

- Yeah, that's what it was supposed to be.
- Have I read that right?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah?

Now then,

talk about promising big things,
and not delivering.

- Mine had meaning.

- The clattering in the shed,

I was thinking, this is going to be incredible,
this thing.

And then you came out
with a piggy bank with a hole in it.

But you must have been like...

- I did it with a big knife.

- Then you stuck the hose in, and I thought
'Oh she's back in the game here.'

Because that pig is going to explode.

- But at the end it had a good old,
good old height on it.

- No.
- It was a squirting pig.

- But the way the thing-- I managed to get it standing upright,

was quite clever, with gravel.

- Oh, that's true.
- That really helped,

without that it would have been bad.

- Oh no, you're right,

'cause for a second I thought you just
bashed a hole in a piggy bank and stuck a hose in it.


Ooh, two water features to go,

but you're going to have to wait for them, sorry!




Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Alex, can you remind us of what we've been watching.

- Yes please.
- Yes please!

- The current task,

involves making the most striking water feature.

Which is why Katy used a piggy bank,

Jo piled up some crockery,
and Rose found a Wellington boot.

But, there's hope now

in the form of David and Ed.

- Right let's see what we've got.

What ya gonna do, Ed.

- Okay so, what we need to do is a fountain.

Probably using the bath.
- Okay.

- Elevation is key.

Have we got any other funnels?

- Have we got any other funnels?
- Yeah.

- You can make a funnel.

- No that's not what I want.

- Okay, well let's climb in the bath.

- You want me to climb into the bath?
- Yeah.

Well, also I want you to be like a,

you know like a Greek God.

Can you take your top off?

(Audience laughter)

- Yes.
- Okay.

- How do you feel about...

popping your top off?

- I don't like doing it.

- I want you to take your top off for the water feature.

- I just-- don't need your trousers off.

- No, I wasn't, I was just loosening that bit.

- Is there a pitch fork?
I think I've seen a pitch fork.

- How much hair do you have on your chest?

- More than you think.
- Okay.

- [Audience] Ohhhhhh

- So can you look like, sort of like Neptune?

Hold that like it's a--

- Oh yeah.
- Like that.

Like a far away look in your eyes?
Yeah, that's brilliant.

No, it looks sort of Russian.

- Could you hold these?


- Crown.

- Well this is what I'm trying to work out, Alex.

- Just putting this in for detail.

- Am I doing the right thing?
- Yeah, it's sexy.

- Got any spare trousers?

- Well, I wasn't planning to spray any water out of me.

- Oh, fine.
You're just top off.

- Yeah, top off's really solidarity.

- Oh!
- Yeah, that's gonna happen, mate.

Strap in, you're a mermaid.

- Okay, can you do the far away look?
Put that on your head.

That's disappointing.


Look at that, that's kind of better.

- What do you want me to do?
- Just look at, look faraway-eyes.

The sea, the sea, the waves.

I don't know why I've got my top off.

- So, here's how it's gonna go:

You're gonna spray some water
out your mouth when I give it to you

and then you're gonna sing:

- (Sings) "Ahhhhh, I am a mermaid who lives by the sea,

why won't a sailor come visit me?"

Right? Okay.


- (Sings)"Ahhhhhhhh,

"I am a mermaid who lives in the sea,

"why won't a sailor come visit me?"

- There you go, look at that.

That's perfect now, you see?

Yay, the crowds roar.

- Perfect.

- Thank you, Alex.
- Turn it off.

- Cheers, mate.
- Ed?

- There we go.

- Thank you, David.

- I'll take this back to the kitchen.

(Cheering and applause)

- I mean... (laughs)

I mean we barely need to discuss it.

One of the most triumphant things I've seen.

That beautiful merman.

Just one boob, one boob spraying.

- We were trying for a while to get two boobs going,
weren't we Alex?

- You were trying for quite a while.

- We decided that--
- You decided.

- I decided...

I decided it was preferable to have a strong jet from one,

rather than a dribble from both.

- I couldn't agree more.

- As soon as he went into the shed,
he went "I know what to do",

with very grim determination,
and then set about it.

Whereas David's was,
felt like it was more on the hoof.

- Whilst I enjoyed the final image,

this is what it put me in mind of,

it put me in mind of two middle aged blokes

who have told their wives

that they are going to be building a water feature.

So that they can enjoy

openly homoerotic fun.

It was a water feature-based
Brokeback Mountain, for me.

- Yeah, no we fell in love while it was happening.

As far as I remember.
- You fell in love.

- "Oh no, it looks like my top's fallen off as well."


"Well, what ever will our wives think?"


Okay, look let me give out some points.
I don't think it's that difficult.

- Right.
- I'm gonna go least striking water feature.

I feel guilty about doing it,

because umm,

the preparation sounded so spectacular.

- Oh here we go.
- But the least striking water feature for me,

was Katy's dribbling pig.

So I can only give her one point,
I apologise.

- Fine.

- The second least spectacular striking water feature

for me, because

it utilised household equipment,

I'm giving Jo two points.
- Right, two to Jo.

- And, umm, because of it's powerful metaphor,

I'm giving Rose three points.
- Okay, now then...

- And now, David's hot, sexy bit of water feature

gets four points.

And obviously, the one boobed

jet-propulsion mermaid gets five points.

S to the C, to the O-R-E,

score board please.

- Okay, well first of all I can tell you
the series scores at this stage, it's exciting.

We have joint fourth place,

Jo and David both have 48 points.

Katy's got 56, Rose has got 57.

Ed has zoomed up into the lead with 62 points.


Currently, Katy's in last with three,

and Ed is in the lead with 10 points.
There we go.

A maximum, a maximum 10.

- Full marks for little Gamble.

Okay, so do you have something
more sociable this time?

- More sociable, I do actually,
I have a sociable task and it's a team task

so it's double sociable and here it is.

(Taskmaster task music)

Oh hello, Jo.
- Oh hello, Alex.

- Hello, Alex.
- Hello David.

Hello, Ed.
- Hello, Alex.

- Hello, Katy.
- Hello.

- Hello, Rose.
- You remember my name, this is awesome.

- Oh, it's Rose...

- Is opening the task, the task?

- [The team] Whoooaaaaaaa.

- "Bring a classic board game to life."

- "Best real-life board game wins."

- "You have one hour."

- "Your time starts now."

- I love it!

- What board games do you--

- Well, not one that everyone will think of.

- Let's all say a board game at the same time and see--

- A classic one we'll want to bring to life?
- Right.

Three, two, one,

- [Ed and Rose] Cluedo.
- [Katy] Chess.

- Let's rule out snakes and ladders, chess...

- KerPlunk?
- Ohh yeah.

- Buckaroo, Mouse Trap?

- Mouse Trap's good.

- And another one, called uhh...

Operation Seelöwe,

which is about the Nazi invasion of Britain.

- Jenga, Operation...

- Oh Operation's quite funny.

- What about that one Don't Wake Dad?

- I don't know Don't Wake Dad, but what about,

the one that's like a medical one.

What's it called?
- Operation.

- Operation, with like-- and you have to take out

a liver and a spleen from a person.


- I don't like keeping drawing a distinction
between the two age groups.

But it does fascinate me that

the three younger people were like,
getting all excited

listing game, after game, after game.

And the first thing that David mentions

is a game that no one's heard of,
about the scourge of the nazis.

- Yeah, Operation Seelöwe.

It was a war game in which the nazis invaded Britain,

or as a Jew, it was a nightmare,

that I once had.
I'm not entirely sure, one of the two.

- Amazing that you knew Operation Seelöwe,

but couldn't remember the name of Operation.

(Laughter and applause)

- A board game will be brought to life,
right after the following

really, really, really, really great adverts.




Welcome back to Taskmaster,
it's good to have you here.

- Yes, and important viewers,
are very important.

Board games then,
first of all we're going to see the team of three.

That's Rosie, Eddie and Kate.
Here we go.

(Country banjo music)

- [Together] One, two, three.

- Well this is a mighty fine looking donkey here.

I wonder if he can take the weight of my little fiddle.

- Well, look at this disgusting sandal.

It's got velcro on it, which is ideal,

for my purposes.

- Well, you can't forget old grandma's rolling pin.

(Donkey braying)

Uh-oh, the donkey sounds mighty agitated.

- Angry, angry eyes.

Y'all gone fishin'.

Here comes the wine rack.

Flap your ears.

- A wooden spoon?

- A horse on a donkey?

A horse next to a violin.

(Both scream)


(Cheering and applause)

- I suppose the only thing I've got
is the playability element of it because,

Buckaroo, which I didn't have as a child,
because my mum selfishly wouldn't buy it

But some of my, umm-- f...

- It's okay.

- Some of my wealthier friends did have it.

It had a spring system,

and so in the original game,
you two would be nervous

about when the Buckaroo was going to kick.

This was very much, on the whim of the donkey.

- It said bring it to life.

Bring it to life.

- You know, we didn't have a spring
because we had an actual person.

- If you wanted a playable version of Buckaroo,

we could have just bought Buckaroo.

- Yeah.

- I just think you should have

attached some sort of spring system to Ed,

so that he wasn't in control of--

- I am the spring system.

- Yeah, he's the spring system.

- Yeah, but you're a conscious being.

- Oh, I'm so sorry!


- The original had three sensitivity levels

that were adjustable via a switch under the saddle.

- Thank you!
- Yeah there was nothing like that.

- I've got three sensitivity levels.

And I'll be honest,
I'm on my top fucking one right now.


- We've had one attempt
involving a donkey and a wine rack

Here comes David and Jo's attempt.

(Intense task music)


- So, I'm gonna go for your kidney.

- Okay.

I think you did it without touching my body, so--

- I think I did.

I'm gonna try a challenge now.

- Okay.

(Siren blaring)

- So one point to you is it, Jo?
- One point to me.

- Okay, I'm gonna go for butterfly.

- Okay.

- Ow!
That really hurt.

Ow, my brain's fallen off.

- Oh.

- Oh, I'm afraid--
- Oh, no.

Oh God, this is gonna be hard.

- Ah, you've done it.

- Yay!

- Hang on, am I left with anything else?

- Surgeon extraordinaire.

- Thank you, David.
- Swift recovery, I hope.

See ya later.
- Bye bye.


- Well, I've got a lot of questions here.

I'm gonna ask the first one to Jo.

How soon was it into the task,

when David volunteered to take his clothes off?


- About two seconds.

- Incredible isn't it?
I've got a question for you now, David.

Why were you hitting yourself so hard?


- I don't really know why,
possibly because

part of the homoerotic experience of this show

is to hurt myself.

I haven't really worked that out.

- What for me, was so charming about the game
is you so painstakingly

replaced the organs in the body
with child friendly things.

A butterfly, a cauliflower,

oh and of course, and actual kidney.


This is a very tough decision for me, I'll tell you that now,

'cause I thought they were both excellent games.

You know it's not like me to cop out,
but I am gonna cop out.

I'm gonna give them both three points,
that's what I'm gonna do.

I can't separate them



Ah, what's next?


- Well, we've got one more task.

This one's all because the Davies loves tray.


(Taskmaster task music)

- Hi.
- Hello, Katy.

- Hey, hey tray.

- "Say a letter of the alphabet."

- Thank you.

- "Put the most things
beginning with the letter you just said,

on this tray."

- "The tray may not leave Alex,

and Alex may not leave the lab."

- "Most things beginning
with the letter you just said, on the tray

in five minutes from now, wins."

So can I go walking about?


Bye, I might just not come back,
I'll have a look.

- Okay then, thanks Jo.

- "Say a letter of the alphabet, you have 10 seconds.
Your time starts now."

A letter of the alphabet.


Ha ha ha.

"You must now pick a letter of the alphabet
and say that letter out loud."

You must be so proud of yourself that that worked.

- [Audience] Oohhhhh.

- It's a mistake, wasn't it?




- You had an unfortunate experience
with little Alex Horne, didn't you Ed?

- I genuinely panicked,

and I didn't know what we were supposed to do,

so I panicked and said "a letter of the alphabet."

- Yeah, and he threw it in your face, didn't he?

- Threw it right back in my face.

- By predicting your little joke.

- I only had the envelope in just for--
I knew it was going to be you doing it.

- Did you?
- No, really?

- He did predict it would be you that did it,

so you might like to reflect on that.


Doesn't excuse him getting all cocky, though.

- Alex, you should tell someone
if you're being bullied.

You can tell somebody.

I don't, I don't care.

Are you telling me?


I didn't mean that, it's horrible.

I'm horrible.

- You fell into a little trap there, didn't you?
- I did, yeah.

- Good, that's him back in his box.
Come on, let's see some stuff.

- Okay well, these two both went for B.

Let's see what they gathered,
it's Jo and Katy.

- Okay.

That doesn't begin with B.

Do they have to be all different things?

- All the information's on the task, Katy.

- These are biscuits.

- Yes.

Just trying to count them.

- Bread.

These are birthday candles, okay?

- And you're sure they begin with B?

- Yeah, 'cause they're birthday candles.

- You got one minute, Jo.

- Okay.

- A bee, baby's head, bottle.


- 10 seconds, Jo.

(Blows whistle)

Box, a bag.

Here's a box.
- Another box.

- Bra?

- You've only got five seconds.

- Takes everyone longer than that.

Even the pros.

(Blows whistle)
- What do you mean by pros?

- Tell you after.


- I was not surprised that Jo didn't
come and go because,

she has minimised movements
during this whole competition.

She went round, she gathered her things.
Bam, there!

- I thought if I went twice,
I might have to call an ambulance.

All her things also, were beginning with B, I think.

Bread, banana, brush, bottle, butter.

But we're all happy with bog roll?
- Yeah. So what was her total?

- 136 things, or 9 different things.

- Oh no, we'll count the 136, l
et's get that straight, straight away.

- Right, okay. Which means that Katy got 168,

if you include the 66 birthday candles.

- Well, if you have bog roll,
you gotta have birthday candles.

- Course you have, one follows the other.

And I obviously enjoyed watching Alex squirm,

when 'pros' where raised at the end.

- Well she was threatening
to take her bra off in 10 seconds.

- I thought it was like, fun flirting.

- So these boys can--

David Baddiel can take his top off,
but she can't flip her bloody bra off?

- I blushed at that as well.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm all for Katy whipping her bra off.

- Want to see some more?
- Yes please.

- Okay, we're gonna see E with D and R with P.

How many is that?

- Is that my job?
- No, it's not. It's my job.

- Dinner plates.

Disposable gloves.

- Hi Rose.
- Hello.

- That's a nice combination.

- Dextrose tablets.

Each of those is a thing, and that's Dextrose packet.

Diabetic equipment.
- Pardon?

- Diabetic equipment!

- It's a tube, fuck.

I'm a stickler for the rules.

- Drinks holders.
- Drinks holders?

- Petals.

- Diet sodas.

- Would you count this as newspaper or paper?

- It's up to you.

- Just count that as paper.

- Dips, dairy.


- Pardon?
- Dask.

- Thank you, Rose.
- Thank you.

- Peas, petals, Pimm's and paper.
- Yes.

(Blows whistle)


- I mean, strong from both people obviously,
the peas, what an opener.

Gotta be pleased with the peas.

- I was trying to like, follow some rules,

'cause I feel like I've got a moral compass.

And I--
- Not like these clowns.

- I mean, drink receptacles...
I mean, that's--

- Drink receptacles, my sweet ass.

- I wish I put newspaper on there, that's all, but you know...

- She did put 25 sheets of paper.
- Yep

- 30 petals, one bottle of Pimm's, 250 peas.


- And Ed,
- Hello.

- Well, let's just strike drinks holders right off now.

- How many would it have been,
if I'd been allowed drinks holders?

- Loads, 111.

- Fine.
- Victory or nothing, right?

- Fuck it, I call 'em cups.
- Yeah.


That's it for this part.

But come back for some big stage celebrations,

and David Baddiel scrapping about
with things beginning with Q.



Hello again.

It's part four and you know what that means?

- No, it can't be.
- It is.

- Really?
- Really.

- [Together] Re-cap time!


- Before the break, the contestants picked a letter,
and then had to go and fetch

as many things as they could,
beginning with that letter and pop them on my tray.

David Baddiel picked the letter Q.

Here is his attempt.

- So, I don't think I made it clear,

when I did this show I filled in a health form,

is I sometimes have a speech defect.

Uh, so this is a quamera.

That's how I'm pronouncing it.

Quanana, qorange, quapple.

Tape queasure.

Queasure, I pronounce queasure.

- But you're calling that a tape queasure?

- It's a tape queasure, yeah.

- But beginning with Q?
- Queasure.

Qorange, another qorange.

Quck, quock.

- How do you spell quock?
- Q-U-O-L-K...


That's how I pronounce it,
I know it's spelled

but I pronounce it quock.

Ok, that's wrong...

I spell it like that too.


qaby, with a leaf on its head.

Queg Davies, Qalex Horne.

Qow, quenis.

This, is what Americans call quoffee.

I think I've won that one.
- Do you?

- Yeah.
- Your speech sounds better now.

- I think I qwon that one.

(Rings bell)

- Thank you, David.
- Thanks.


- Well, stop the press, I'm going to allow 'quoffee'.


- Thank you very much,
the rest of it was quap wasn't is?

- It's the quapest thing we've seen.

- He was unlucky, I mean he missed--
there were quite a few things around the house,

- Were there?
- In the fridge there was quail eggs, quiche, quince.

Half a quesadilla and genuinely--

- You put special Q stuff in the fridge,

incase someone picked Q?

- We thought someone might pick Q,

and there was also 60 packs of Quavers, just so you know.

- [Everyone] Ohhhhhh.

- 60 packs of Quavers?
- Yeah and if you opened them up--

- Oh my God, if you empty those out,
it would have been thousands of Quavers.

- Yeah, but he would have gone, "Quisps".

(Laughter and applause)

- I feel terrible.

- So, David gets one point,
two for Ed, three for Jo,

four for Katy, but Rose Matafeo

with a pure entry gets five points.


- Let's take a glance at the scores.

- Okay, well it goes 10, 11, 12, 13,

but at the top is Ed Gamble with 15 points.


- Will you please vacate the area,

head to the stage for the final task of the show.


Who will read the task out?

- David Baddiel's gonna read this one.

- "Throw your things far, but not too far.

"Taking it in turns, you must select a thing

"and throw it beyond the line,

"but not off the runway.

"If your thing does not end up in the safe zone,

"you are disqualified.

"If all objects end up in the safe zone,

"the person who has thrown their thing
the shortest distance

"is disqualified.

"You may not manipulate your things in any way,

"before throwing them.

"Last player standing, wins."

- Got it.
- Have you?

- You pick a thing, you've got to get it over the line
but not off the thing.

If you get it off the thing you're disqualified.

If everyone gets their things within the safe zone

then the person who's thrown
the shortest distance over that line

is eliminated and we keep going
in picking a new thing

until everyone's out apart from one person
who's the winner of the task.

- Correct.


- They're applauding, but I still didn't understand.

- It's like an educational video

showing the collapse of the human mind.

- They've got a swimming noodle, an egg,
a birthday card and a grain of rice. Okay?

- Oh, I chucked the grain of rice,
I thought it was dirt.



- Okay, on the whistle
please choose your first item and hold it aloft.

One, two, three, (blows whistle)

Okay, egg, egg, rice, egg, noodle.

That's the order.
- Let's play.

- Okay, it's Ed to throw first.

Remember, the shortest distance
if they all make it into the safe zone, is disqualified.

- [Audience member] Go on, Ed.
- Thank you.

- It's a crazy choss.
- Oh no!

(Audience moans)

Absolute bullshit.

- You thought you understood, but you didn't.

- David, look at what you're holding!

- I've worked it out from your mistake.

- Mate, that is bouncing where ever you throw it.

- The old rubber egg, eh?

- In second place, it's Rose,
if you can come to the throwing spot

and hurl your noodle, please.

- I'll just warn you now,
that noodle is made entirely of egg.


- Ohhh, God dammit.

- Could not be shitter.


- Okay, next up yes, it's Jo to the oche.

With a grain of rice.

It's safe!


- That's rice tossing!

- And Greg, it's egg time again,
as we welcome David Baddiel.

- Thank you very much.
- Is this a rubber egg?


- Yes! Yes! Noooo!

- That's gonna collapse, that will collapse.
That will collapse.

- Wow.
- He's out!

- Come on.
- Oh my God.


- The final throw is Katy, with another egg.

- Oh my God.
- [Audience member] Go, Katy!

- Thank you.

I'm worried that this is haunted like that one.


- She's out!


Well, it's the final.

So these three have got one point.

These two will have either five or four points.

- Yes.

- So, when the whistle blows,
please select your next item.

One, two, three, (blows whistle)

- Lovely.
- Noodle v. rice.

- Classic.

- It's gonna be Rose to throw first.

- The Young Pretender, Matafeo,

rice on!


- Oh, lovely. Lovely.
- Oh lovely.

- Where did it go, I can't see it.

- You've got to throw beyond that,
but not beyond that, to win.

- Okay.

- You join us here,

the atmosphere electric


- She's out.

Four points for Jo.

- Rose Matafeo.

Right, come down, we'll add that to the final scores.



not very often that
a new international sport is created.

- So all the people who took the 'egg gamble' at the beginning

went out, gets one point.

Ed, Katy and David.
- Correct.

Then we had the final,
Jo got four points,

but the winner was Rose Matafeo
who got five points.


And I've got the final scores,
do you want to see who won the episode?

- Yeeeeeeeeesss!

- The winner with 18 points,
- (Gasps)

is Rose Matafeo!


- Rose Matafeo is tonight's winner!

Please head to the stage to celebrate
with the best possible things to celebrate with.

(Cheering and applause)

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that sometimes,
it's nice to just turn off your tele.

Gather the family round,

and have a good old game
of stopping the nazi hoards

from imposing their evil will on the entire world.

See you next time, for more nice times.

And now let's applaud tonight's winner again,

it is of course, Rose Matafeo!