Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 3 - Five Miles Per Day - full transcript

A memory game catches the guests off guard and Ed squashes a (fake) baby.

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(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Applause)

- Hello!

Welcome, one and all

to episode three of Taskmaster.

Five comedians are at war with each other,

all in a bid to get their mucky mitts
on this finely crafted face cup.

So, let's marvel once more at their wildly difference levels

of competence and enthusiasm.

And say a big hello to:

David Baddiel



Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

and Rose Matafeo.

(Cheering and applause)

And next to me is a young man who

nibbles and scurries his way through life,

like a long, human rat.

It's little Alex Horne!

(Applause)

Hello Alex.
- Hello

- What's new?

- Nothing, I've just got my, um

my mantra running through my head as I normally do,
so I feel pretty good.



- Got a new mantra have you?

- Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.

- What is it?
- Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.

Always. Just round and round.

- Okay, what does that mean?

- Well, I got it-- I mean I always have it with me as well.

Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.
Always.

Absoluta Pulsis Voluptatem.

- And, um, before we get on with the show,
what does that mean?

- It's just a phrase, just a phrase I saw written down,
and I thought, "That is me."

- Yep, what is it?

- It means "Sheer driving pleasure."

(Laughter)

From the BMW advert.

- Yeah, yeah yeah.

And I don't know how to respond.

- You don't have to.
Just concentrate on the 'Sheer driving pleasure.'

(Laughter and applause)

- Good, let's crack on.
Let's have the prize task, please.

- Okay, good show.

And this week, it's all about having
the weirdest wooden thing.

That's what you call me, and Iike it.

You will judge one of their wooden things, the weirdest

and give its owner five points and at the end of the episode the overall winner

will ride home with big wood.

- Yes, please.

Let's start with my little friend Ed Gamble.

- I've brought something that my father
brought me back from Switzerland

A little souvenir. There it is.

(Laughter)

It's a Tschaggatta demon.

But the hair and teeth you see there, are human.

(Audience groans)

- Is the hair from a dead person?

- Doesn't-- You don't need to be dead,
you can have a little hair cut.

- But did your dad kill someone?

- As far as I'm aware, my dad did not kill anyone for the hair, David.

- Horrendous, good.

Jo, what is your weird wooden thing?

- It's a thing that my daughter made, in year seven.

- Here it is.

- I like to call it 'The President Trump Sausage Grabber.'

- Does she know you brought this?

'Cause if she's watching now
she's in her mid thirties, isn't she?

- How dare you.

(Laughter)

She's 61.

- It's absolutely shit, well done.

Rose.
- Yep.

- Have you got wood?
Have you got weird wood?

- Yeah, I've got a weird man...

carving.

- There it is.

- Oh, wow.

- Oh God, I hate it.

- Yeah, it's weird isn't is?

It came all the way from Colorado.

It cost 40 US dollars.

- What do you think his secrets might be?

- I recon he's someone looking for treasure.

His soul has been captured in a carving.

- Yep.
- Your classic story.

(Laughter)

- Now then David,
let's get to the good stuff.

- My brother spent ages and ages creating something

in woodwork and poured his heart and soul into it,
I remember.

And we kept it,

as an ornament, on our shelves for many years.

And this was it.

- There it is.

(Laughter)

- What amazes me about it is

he found that in our back garden,

he varnished it,

and he got a mark for that.

- What's his name?
- His name is Ivor.

- It's absolutely shit, Ivor.

- It's so shit.

- Katy, you're up against some stiff competition here.

- Can we see it first?
And then maybe I'll explain how I--

- You sure you're ready?
- --found it. Yeah, I'm ready.

- Good luck everyone. Here we go.

(Laughter)

- Yeah.

So my friend's dad imports them and--

- I'm really, I'm really glad
that's where that sentence went.

- 'Cause always, when I'm round her house

he's always, like, showing them to me.

- Is he?

- But he did gift it to me, so that was nice.

- What's RRP on this?

- I mean I didn't ask,
I just wanted to get out of there, if I'm honest.

(Laughter)

He actually offered to buy me a motorbike once.

It's quite a weird relationship.

- He gave you that

He paused, and he went

"Can I buy you a motorbike?"

(Laughter)

- I mean, lots of phalluses like that,
they are respected around the world.

In Bhutan they ward off demons.

You brought a demon in.
- Oh, you've got some facts, sorry.

- Well it's not-- I just Googled 'penis'...

In South Korea, there's a penis park.

It's a park where everything's shaped like a penis.

Then it got mucky.
Then it got muckier and muckier.

- Okay.

Tell us a couple of mucky things.

- Mucky.

- Well I thought... Well, in Iceland there's a penis museum

where they've got a penis
from every mammal that's native to Iceland.

- Yeah, I've seen pictures, it's really sickening.

- It is sickening isn't it?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Because they've really been pulled out at the root.

(Audience groans)

- Can you replant them like bulbs?

(Laughter)

- Judgement time.

- Okay

- Do you want to start at one point?
The fifth place person.

- Yes, and I feel mean doing it, but

I think that Jo's daughter will have progressed

since she made that, in life.

- Well how cruel, 'cause she hasn't.

(Laughter)

- Okay one point for Jo Brand.

- I didn't know enough of the backstory
of the Colorado man,

so I'm giving Rose two points.

- Yeah, it was just cheeky wasn't it.
Fair enough.

- Three points 'cause it had real hair,

Ed Gamble

- So, it's three points because
it was too weird for a weird task?

- You've got a point,
but something about your tone I didn't enjoy.

- Sticking with three?
- I'm gonna leave you exactly where you are.

There's not much to separate the other--

Well there's... There's a lot separating the other two.

- The stick and the dick?
- The stick and the dick.

(Laughter)

As so often in life I do,
I'm gonna put dick in second place.

- Awwww.

- I just feel sorry for David's brother.

I mean he deserves something in life.

Five points.

(Cheering and applause)

Right, come on then,
pretend to press play on your iPad.

- It's not, it's not pretend.

- It is pretend.
- It's not pretend.

(Taskmaster task music)

- Hello.
- It's only me.

- Welcome to the manor.

- Okay, thanks.
- Don't sit down.

Hello, welcome to the manor.

- Ahhh.

- Don't sit down.
Welcome to the manor.

Don't sit down.

Please do a little walk to the spot.

Please do a little walk to the spot.

I like your little walk.

I like your little walk.

Whoops. Whoops.

Whoops. Wh-whoops.

You're looking really nice.
- Thank you.

You're looking really nice.

Balls, and books and snooker.
And the doctor.

Shhhh. Shhhhh. Shhhhh.

Are you ready?
You look ready. I'm ready.

Are you ready? You look ready.
I'm ready, there's your task.

You should open it as soon as I leave the room.

- (Whispers) Is he okay?

- What?

- Ah, I feel like I should have listened.

- "Go the the caravan.
You must enter the caravan within two minutes

of Alex entering the caravan."

- "You must enter the caravan
within two minutes of Alex entering the caravan."

- Do I take anything?

No.

(Laughing)

- Has he entered it now, then?

- Hiya.

- Hello?
- Hello, it's me.

- Hello.
- How are you?

- My fly has got caught on the table.

- I know what I've done.

- Do you want to open the task, Rose?

- No.

- "List all the things that were hanging
from the wooden board in the lab.

Also say the colour of the wooden board in the lab."

- Oh, fucking hell.

- "Also say the colour of the wooden board in the lab."

- "Also say what Alex said to you in the lab."

- "Most correct answers wins."

- What an idiot.
Why am I such an idiot?

Oh my God.

- "Most correct answers wins. You have three minutes, you must not leave the caravan."

"Also your time starts now."
Also's unnecessary there.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- There's a distinction forming
between the two camps here,

is that the two younger people,

Ed and Rose,

just run.

And you were both like...

- I don't think, I just read the task
and it's like "get there quickly,"

and my brain just goes "Alright, go go go!"

- Yeah, same.
- David swanned over when he felt like it.

And Jo simply couldn't give a fuck.

(Laughter)

So I'm afraid that's all we've got time for in part one.

See you soon for an exciting new chapter in our lives.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello again.

It's Taskmaster and it's part two.

Alex, please remind me

and I mean, just me

about the task taking place before the break.

- Just you?

Okay, well it was a bit of a memory test

I hung, I hung some stuff from the, um

I hung some stuff from the ceiling as well
and then they had to come into the caravan,

and to remember what the bits were.

And they were hanging from a--

- And how do you think, um...

(Laughter)

I think that David's gonna do really well.

I think that Katy's gonna do the best

because I think still waters run deep.

- Are you ready?

Okay, we're gonna start off with an exasperated Ed,

a riled Rose, and a Jo Brand

who was last seen pacing about
outside the caravan.

Here we go.

- Oh my God, okay.

There was some hanging rope,
I think there was a paper plane.

- There was like, a water pistol.

Rope, there was like, some rope.

- You said "Welcome to the manor."

I think there was like, a ball, that looked a bit like a planet.

Don't look at me like that, Horne.

(Audience laughter)

- Whaaaaa! No, I'm such a dumbass.

Why didn't I?

- You okay, Rose?
- No.

- Are you cross?

- I'm cross with myself.

Because of course the task isn't going to be
"Run to the caravan."

- No. I haven't been here for two minutes yet.

You could still be in there.
- Yeah.

- Are you coming in?

- You said "Don't leave this room."

- Oh, hi Jo.

- Haven't got an effing clue.

- Right, here's some things that you said:

Doctor, snooker ball.

You said "Welcome to the something",
but I'd spoke over you.

- I couldn't remember because
all you were saying, it didn't make sense.

- Uhhhhhhhh

A hat.

No.

- What colour was the board?

- Blue?

Right, this board, what colour?
- Blue

- Do you know the colour of the board?
- What board?

- The wooden board that...

- No, I didn't even know there was one.

- What else was hanging from there,
let's just make some stuff up.

A fish?

- A clock.
A pig.

- A cricket ball, lemon.

- A bog, a plane, maybe there was like,
maybe a small baby.

- I think there was a sort of hairy thing.

It could have been a yeti, or a feather.
I don't know.

- You've got one second left.

(Blows whistle)

- "Hello, Ed", you said.

(Blows whistle)

- Not gonna make the Sherlock Holmes society am I?

(Applause)

- What did you think this game was?

- You thought it was
"Get to the caravan in exactly two minutes."

So you legged it out of the lab immediately.

- Oh yeah, that's right, I did.
I remember now.

- That's why you were pacing around like a tiger outside.

- She was pacing and counting
and got in there in one minute 57.

- [Everyone] Whoaaa

- So you would have had five points,
if that was the game.

- Well, there's no reason it couldn't be.

- And you did guess one thing correctly
by complete chance,

you said feather and there was a feather.

- Wow.

- Amongst your guesses, you also guessed
a hat, Mein Kampf, a yeti.

(Laughter)

- Mein Kampf?

- It's an important read
for anyone that's interested in democracy.

- We've not done a lot of political satire on this show.

- And we still haven't.

- Rose got one more than Jo.
She managed to remember that there was a rope

and that I said "Welcome to the manor".

- 'Cause I love Cluedo.

- Ah! Well there is a link,

you were the only person who spotted,
they were all to do with Cluedo.

Gamble got the water pistol,

and also remembered I said doctor and snooker ball.

There's a billiard room of course.

So he got four things right.

- Four things?
- So he's, so far, in the lead.

- Aww and he had a little run as fast as he could to a caravan.

Who's next?
- I'll show you, here we go.

- Okay.

Oh maybe I have to memorise these.

(Applause)

I'll memorise them just in case.

For a laugh.

(Laughter)

- Hello.
- Hi, David.

Welcome to the caravan.
- Thank you.

- You got here in time.

- Uh, right. A feather.

- There was an egg,

and there was a pipe
and there was a salt shaker.

There was a little, round, red TM thing.

There was a rope tied up,

there was a plastic gun,

there was a peacock feather,
and there was a pen knife.

- An empty salt cellar,

a gun.

The wooden board was red.

You said balls.

- You said that I look very nice, you said hello.

You said something like books and...

I didn't take it in. That's the headline.

- I stood there knowing that this would happen.

- Hmm.
- Can I go back?

- No.
- Okay.

- The colour of the wooden board in the lab.

It was the colour of wood?

- Brown?
- Brown

- Or maybe it was white.

- See, now what's happening is,
I'm seeing things in here,

and I want to say them.

I want to say lobster, skull, pineapple.

- But you are saying them.

- Because those are the things in here.

- Yeah, okay.

I'm done, I'm not a perfectionist.

(Blows whistle)

- Thank you, Katy.
- Thanks.

- I really feel I should have done better.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

- So pleased with yourself, aren't you?

- Always turn over the exam.

Might be a question on the back.

- Um, I mean you've got to be pleased.

- I just had a feeling.
I mean I've seen the show before.

It seemed like the sort of think you'd have to do.

- You see, when David looked back at the objects

for that few beats,

I didn't know whether he was memorising them,

or whether he was genuinely baffled by the movement.

- I do do memory palace, does anyone do that?
Do anyone know what I'm talking about?

I was trying to do that,
but I couldn't remember how to do it.

It's true.

- Look, let's get some points going up.

- Well, Jo did come last in that one.

Then it was Rose, then Ed, then David.

Katy only didn't get Colonel Mustard or Professor Plum,

and she gets the full five points.

(Applause)

- Let us have a score board.

- Okay, we have joint leaders at this stage
and they are:

David Baddiel and Katy Wix.

(Applause)

- Then you shall give me a new task immediately.

- Of course.
And here we have a spot of outdoor creativity.

Here we go.

(Taskmaster task music)

Hello, Jo.
- Hi Alex.

- Bit like Jurassic Park.
- Careful.

- Ooh, watch out.

- "Build the most robust statue,

of the most delicate thing."

- "Using the materials provided and place it on--"
Oops.

"--the red cross."

- "Your delicate thing must be recognisable,

on the red cross an hour after you finish."

- "And should leave you feeling
enormously proud of your creation.

You have 15 minutes."

- Final line please, Katy.

- Oh, "Your time starts now."

(Sighs) Okay.

Here we are again.

- Feelings are delicate, aren't they?
The male ego.

But how do I represent that in a robust statue?

- Egg boxes.

- I'm just wondering whether
I can convince him that I'm delicate.

(Applause)

- Yeah, seems like we should just get on with this.

There's some delicate stuff for us to see.

- Delicate but robust.
Here we go.

- I was gonna say my ego,

except I have a very robust ego.

- What's a delicate thing?
A leaf?

- This is pretty delicate.

- There have been times in my life
when it's been delicate, my ego.

I was 15, I think and it took me ages
to ask Avril Cowen,

who was a very beautiful Scottish young woman.

And she said "I wish you hadn't asked me that."

- Looking like a leaf?

- Does it look like? Yeah.

- Oh no, it's on the fucking thing.

- No! I nailed it to the damn table!

- That's Avril.
- You said she was beautiful.

- (Laughs) What is that?

- She nearly done?

- I think so.

- There you go.
- Okay, thank you David. (Blows whistle)

- Has it got to be there in an hour?

- Yes. Thanks Jo.
(Blows whistle)

Thank you Rose.

- (Sighs)

- How do you feel about your creation?

- Yeah, it's okay.

Oh, sorry.
I'm feeling enormously proud of my creation.

(Applause)

- What did Avril Cowen mean by that?

- Well, it was a youth camp and for some reason,

if you wanted to get off with a girl,

you had this slightly formal thing you had to do

which was to say to them "will you go with me?".

- Would you go with me?!

Did you grow up in 1920s Chicago?

- Would you go with me?

- It's 15 year old David Baddiel.

- Is that a fair representation of you Jo?
Do you like poetry?

- Yeah.

- Do you wanna bang one out for us?

- Do I want to bang out a poem for you?

I'll have a go.
- Here we go.

- I'm gonna miss out some of the words
because I can't remember them.

- That's okay.

- And that's all of them.

(Applause)

- Rose, what the fuck was your thing?

- I think the work speaks for itself.

- It's the least delicate thing of all time,
but what was it supposed to be?

- The leaf.
- Oh what a beautiful leaf.

- Look, I'm sorry but we have to stop again.

More action soon,

followed by a new task, a live task

and then Katy Wix's prize dong.

Okay? Bye!

(Applause)

(Applause)

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

- Yes, and I'd just like to take a moment
to say thank you

using The Taskmaster's voice.

(Greg's voice) Thank you.

Before the break, we saw some lovely,
very personal sculptures.

Do you want to see how they looked after an hour?

- Yeah, and then I want you to go with me.

(Laughter)

- Hello, Jo.
- Hi Alex.

- Wanna have a seat?

- What, on this thing?

Ohh, okay.

- Hello.
- Oh hello, Rose. Have a seat.

- Okay.

- "Score a goal with this football."

- "Your time starts when Alex blows his whistle."

- Understand the rules?
- Yeah, I've got to score a goal.

And is there a goalie?
Yeah, a sort of goalie.

Oh no that's my-, that's my statue.

- Oh that's right in the way, yeah.

Good luck.

- Oh, I wish you hadn't done that, that's mean.

- Good luck. Your time starts (Blows whistle).

- Oh my God.

(Laughter)

- See the football...

- Where's the ball gone?

- Coming!

- Thank you.

- Ahh!

- Ahhhh!

- Whaaaa Alex!

- Coming.
Ooh, you're close.

- Am I supposed to squash my thing?
- Oh!

- Yeah, that'll do.

- Come on, come on.

Goal!

- Stop the clock.

- Bye, Jo! Bye!

(Blows whistle)
- That's a goal.

- I'm sorry Avril.
You should have said yes.

(Audience laughter)

Now I've destroyed the statue,
I haven't even scored.

For the second time in 40 years.

And it's a goal!

(Whistle blows)

- It's a nice clean cut.

- Lovely.
How's your statue?

- Quite a lot thinner,
which is something for me to work towards.

(Applause)

- I found it genuinely heartbreaking,
when mini Jo got crushed.

- You're on your own there, I recon.

- You knew that was important to me,
psychologically, that statue.

- Maybe we've helped you both
exercise a ghost, in a way.

Maybe you don't have to listen
to rubbish old poetry anymore.

And maybe you can let that woman go.

- That's how 1920s David Baddiel

would have like, dispatched of Avril as well.

If you don't go out with me, you're going to find yourself on the underside of a roller, baby.

(Laughter)

Flat as a pancake, see.

- Katy, I would argue that

the roller has enhanced your beautiful thing.

- I had a fucking horrible time on it.

Didn't even see the delicate thing,
I had no sense.

I was just trying to survive.

- But it was a miraculous slice of the thing,

and you were one of the quickest driving.

- Amazing. I don't know how that happened.

- Rose, that leaf was enormous.

And the fact that you are the only one so far,
to totally miss it,

with a roller, and score a goal.

It was unbelievable.

- Yeah, God intervened.

- David was the slowest,
he took 15 minutes and 20 seconds.

He was travelling at five miles per day.

Then Katy with 11, Jo with eight minutes.

Rose, four minutes 45, just straight down there.

One more to see.

Do you want to see why we've kept Ed till last?

- Oh, no.
- Yes please.

- Okay, here we go.

- I'm just gonna have to do--

Not a flower Ed, think of something better than that.

(Sings) A little baby!

(Audience laughter)

Head!

Ooohh sausage legs.

This is just a general broadcast question,
is it weird if I do the baby's nipples?

Belly button.

- Have you finished, Ed?
- Oh God, I think I have.

- Ed please have a seat.

- "Score a goal with this football.

Thank you.
- Your time starts (Blows whistle).

- There we go.

Here we go!

- The whole ball has to go across.

- Oh no!

I think we all know what's going to happen now, don't we.

- Good goal, Ed.

What's it meant to be?

- Baby.

Sorry, there's some there as well.

- Thanks, Ed.
- I mean...

If I'd known in advance,
I wouldn't have made a baby.

(Applause)

- I don't know why it's made worse,
by the fact that the baby had nipples.

(Laughter)

- And it was crucified.

- I put it on the board for stability--

- You crucified it.

- You've clearly crucified it.

And then you mimed it's crucifixion.

So you thought it was the baby Jesus,

and that Jesus was crucified as a baby?

You need to reread the book.

- If I'm to take the word 'robust' literally,

we have to look at David and Ed's and say

that's just a pile of mush.

I'm gonna give them both two points.

There was one strand of Jo's hair left.

And that gets her an extra point, three points.

Despite it being one of the worst things ever made,

on nine series of this show,

Rose's thing was robust and intact,
so I'm gonna give her four points.

And clearly, Katy's beautiful cross section

of a delicate leaf, takes home the big five.

- Well, David got a total of three, very low.

Ed, five.
Jo and Katy both got seven points.

Rose got nine points on that task,
so well done Rose Matafeo.

(Applause)

- Please can I see another task?

- Yes you may, Greg.
Get ready, here comes the task.

(Taskmaster task music)

Hello, Ed. How are you?

- Good, oh.

Oh no.

- Oh hello. Ohh.

- Oh, what? What?

(Laughs) Sneaky.

- "Break something into the most parts,

and completely fix it."

- "You have five minutes to select your item,

three minutes to break it."

- "And seven minutes to fix it."

What, anything?
- Uh huh.

- "Time starts now."
- Thank you.

- Oh, the thing is, I'm very good at breaking

but awful at fixing.

- What can I break, what you gonna allow me to break?

- I feel pretty broken, but I don't think I could fix myself

in seven minutes.

- Has anyone got a car here?

- Yes, I've got a car here.

- Should I have a go at your engine?

- I'm committed to this show,
but if I was to say my leg...

That would be stupid wouldn't it?

(Applause)

- How long did you give David
to mend his shattered leg?

- Seven minutes.
- Seven minutes.

I mean we had the full range there, didn't we.

Katy breaking our heart,

Ed like a moronic child going
"I'm gonna take an engine to pieces."

- Okay, well we're hoping
you'll learn something from this video because it's

Ed, Jo, Katy

- Get out.
- Educate-y.

- Get out!
- Really?

- What I'm thinking is like,
a massive bar of chocolate.

- So that's possible.

- And you can just break it into like, loads of pieces.

- I'm gonna break up the bread,
and then squish it back together.

- Right, this is the other option.

- Okay, your three minutes starts now.

- I'm going to have to push grapes back onto the stalk.

No one's ever had to do that.

- Fuck. How'd that go?

- This is absolutely insane.

- One, two, three, four.

- I was just thinking, actually you could have just
broken a jigsaw up, couldn't you?

- It's the completely fix part that I'm really...

(Laughs) Sorry, this is bugging me.

- Why have you done it like this, Ed.
You absolute arsehole.

And that is like a jigsaw,
I've made a chocolate jigsaw.

What have I done?

Right is there any glue?
Is there any glue?

Super glue?

- Okay, right that part's over with.

- That's your three minutes.
- Right.

- You have seven minutes
to completely fix your slice of bread.

- Brilliant.
- Starting now.

- I don't know how I can manage that.

- It's not sticking.

Oh frick off!

The glue's not even been coming out.

- Have you snipped off the top?

- I've been injecting grapes with nothing.

- There's scissors in the kitchen.

- It feels kind of erotic.

- I think that looks really similar.

- This is how it's gonna have to be.

- Doesn't say it has to look the same.

- Good as new.

- Chuck that on there as well.

- (Blows whistle) Thank you, Ed.
- Thank you.

- Looks like it's completely fixed.

- (Blows whistle) Please stop fixing you slice of bread.

(Applause)

- Okay, I don't know where to fucking start here.

Jo Brand, straight to the chocolate,

repaired the chocolate using sellotape

- Yeah, and didn't fucking eat it.

- Whoa, I wasn't accusing you.

- Big thing for me.

Just got on with it, like a quiet nerdy fuckwit.

(Laughter)

- Lovely though, you could pick it up afterwards.

- Sort of, yes.

- So let's, let's talk through your slice of bread.

- I mean, you panic don't you.

- You did break them into 220 pieces.

- Well that's pretty good.
- You counted them out.

- Were you wetting the bread?

- Yeah, in the moment I thought water would help.

Yeah, like a sort of cement.

I mean it was in one piece, back together at the end.

- You wouldn't be able to pick that bread up would you?

- I think so, with a spatula.

Definitely.

- Was the crust in the middle of the bread?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Ed.
- Jesus Christ.

- I'd love to try and back it up,

but I lost my mind.

- He broke it in 65 pieces, that's something.
- Yeah.

- And it ended up as 65 pieces, covered in glue.

- Okay.

We've one part left until episode three is complete.

But first, I need to have some alone time.
Stop looking at me. Bye bye.

(Applause)

(Applause)

Thank you. Nice clapping, great clapping.

It's the last part of the show,
there's some serious wood to be won.

But first, there's a task to be completed.

- Oh there sure is.

Hey, guys. Uhh...

If it ain't broke,

break it and then fix it
for a potential five points, that's the task.

Quite unexpectedly, three of them tried to break
and then fix, food.

We haven't seen Rose yet, or David.
So here's Rose and David.

- Well, I was thinking, um

if I got a piece of string, cut it up.

So, I'm breaking it into the most parts,
but then tying it together again.

So I'm actually, really I'm fixing it aren't I?

- Hello.
- Hello David, I've brought my Broadcast Award for you.

- I've been nominated for numerous awards.

But I've never actually won one.

- So you'd end up still, with one big piece of string.

- Yeah!
- Yeah.

- And I think that would be fixing a piece of sting.

- As a result,

I felt I would have a particular energy,
in destroying your Broadcast Award.

- Your three minutes, starts now.

Please be careful.

(Laughter)

- Have you got ear plugs?

- You want some ear plugs?
- I might deafen myself doing this.

- There's one knot, two knots.

I could do a knot in about 10 seconds,
so, what that's...

(laughs) Let's do some math.

That's six, six times seven, 42.
So I could do 42 knots.

Could I?

- Have you got any lighter fuel?

- Lighter fluid?
- Yeah.

- Have you got a match?

- Oh, I've put it out.

(Audience laughter)

- I think that's enough, I think that's enough.
I'm too scared.

- Your seven minutes to fix your string completely,
starts now. (Blows whistle)

- Have you got a pen?
- What sort of pen?

- A black pen.
That doesn't work.

This doesn't write on here.

It just says Broad Arse now.

Do you want a Broad Arse Award?

- Is it a compliment?

- Seems like a challenge
that a cursed princess would be made to do.

- Locked in a tower.
"Tie the strings together."

- If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.

- Just gonna check the integrity. Uh huh.

- Here we go.

- You gonna...
- Do what?

- Put it back to how it was completely? Or...

- What do you mean?
Oh shit. (laughs)

That doesn't count, that doesn't count.
That's gorgeous isn't it.

(Whistle blows)

- Yeah, thanks Rose.

(Applause)

- Tell me, once you'd established
that the award was one solid bit of metal,

- Yeah.
- What did you think it would add, setting fire--

--setting fire to it?

- Well, I thought it might melt,
and be easier to smash into pieces.

- Oh you thought the lighter fluid
would get it to such a heat.

- I thought it would melt
and become like molten award,

and then I could smash it more easily.

'Cause I don't know if you noticed, it wasn't smashing.

- Okay let's talk about your fairy tale.

In this fairy tale, does the evil man say you must

um, cut up some string and then make it whole again?

Or did your princess choose to do that?

- Yeah, the princess is probably just a bit bored.

- It strikes me Rose, that if it's a traditional fairy tale,

a handsome prince would come
and rescue the princess.

He might get to the top of the tower,

and see that she's spent all her time
cutting up string,

and then tying back together again and think:

"Ahhh, she seems.... she seems quite boring to me."

- I'm not gonna get points off for being boring, am I?

- Feels like it.

He set fire to a lump of metal.

- And I'm gonna get no points.

- Okay.
- Okay, who do you think broke it and fixed it the worst?

- Who do you think?
Obviously Ed lost his mind, he gets one point.

David didn't break anything, he gets two points.

- Right.
- Katy, you reformed a bread

but you wouldn't be able to pick it up,
so I'm only going to give you three points.

-Okay.
- Rose, Rumpelstiltskin, yes.

The princess who tied string together, rubbish.

But I can't deny, it looked like string,
I'll give you four points.

And Jo Brand, I mean tick, tick, tick,
five points!

(Applause)

- Hurray!

- Scores!

- Ed is in last place with 12 points,

seven points away from the leader so far,
which is Katy Wix with 19 points.

(Cheering and applause)

- Right, up you stand please,

make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show.

(Applause)

Five great guys in ponchos.

Who's gonna read the task out?

- Uh, Katy Wix is gonna read it out, if that's alright.

- Okay.

"Wearing your blindfold correctly at all times,

"fill a pint glass with water.

"If you make a big mess you are disqualified.

"Closest to a pint of water, wins.
You have three minutes."

- Can I piss in it?

- That wouldn't be water, David would it?
It would be piss.

- It would be mainly water.

- Well yes, yes you can.

Is everyone ready to put their blindfolds on?

- Yeah, go one then.
- Pop them down.

- Just gonna take off your red cloak.

- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Is this water?

- I feel like I'm in a terrible Slipknot tribute act.

- Is it water in here?

- You've got three minutes
to make a pint of water.

Your time starts (blows whistle)

- How do you get the-- Oh, the lid.

That's water.

- I don't understand.

- What don't you understand, Katy?

- I don't know, all of it.

- Is this all water?
- Is it all water?

- These are all valid questions.

- Is it blood?

- Okay, I'm gonna drink some of this.

- Ahh! What is that?

- Ahhh! Ahhh!

- What is that?

- Shit.
- That is Marmite.

- If you make a big mess you will me disqualified.

- That's water.

- That felt like a rat.

- I don't know what that is.

Smells medical.

- Oh, that's not water.

- Very focused at the end.

- Very focused.
- Very good.

- Oh that's water.

- Whaaa! That was fucking sand!

- I should say yeah, don't-- don't drink the sand.

- That's not-- that's not water.

- What the heck is that?

- Oh hang on, that doesn't shake.

- Oh vinegar!

- Eight seconds left.
- That's vinegar as well.

- Five, four, three,

two, one.
(Blows whistle)

(Applause)

- I just realised, I had my eyes shut for the whole thing.

- How did you do that?

- Heeyyyyy!

- It's like a body builder's breakfast.

- Hey, I've got an idea,
we'll analyse the pints,

we'll tot up the points,
we'll end with the final score.

And why don't you all
come down here and join me.

(Cheering and applause)

Well, that was all very exciting wasn't it?

- It was, and I've analysed the pints.

- Ohh here we go.
So you can distribute the points.

Pints look like--

- Some of them look like pure, pure water though,
but were they?

- Well, I can tell you at either end you've got David and Rose,

who amazingly put the same amount
of water and vinegar in theirs.

Ed is very nearly a pint.

He also put one thing of vinegar in.

- Did I?
- Yes you did.

- Katy only put a little bit of water in,
seven test tubes.

But it is just water.

And then Jo, water, egg, vinegar and two jars of cotton wool.

(Laughter)

Closest to a pint is Ed's.

- Is Ed Gamble and he only popped one vinegar in.

Well he's a clear five pointer.
- Okay, five points to Ed Gamble.

Then we've got Katy with pure water,

David and Rose is 10 parts water, one part vinegar.

- Right, okay well we have to recognise pure water.

- And respect it.
- And respect it.

- That's what Katherine means, it means pure.

- Hey, four points.

- You're putting Katy in second place.

- I'm putting Katy in second place.

Well I think you know where this is going,
David and Rose,

- Joint third.
- Joint third.

- And one point to Jo Brand.
- Jo Brand!

(Applause)

- Shall I give you the final scoreboard for this episode?

- Yes!
- Okay, well Jo did end up on last place with 15.

And the winner of this episode with 23 points,
was Katy Wix!

(Cheering and applause)

- Katy Wix wins episode three.

Please go and wave around your winner's wood.

(Applause)

What have we learned today?

We've learned that you've got a busy life,
full of stress,

deadlines and bills to be paid.

Try and remember, that at the end of the day

life is just injecting grapes with nothing.

Thank you everybody for watching.

And let's here it again for tonight's winner,
Katy Wix!

(Cheering and applause)