Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 10 - Think About the Spirit - full transcript

It's the series final and it's all to play for. Unless you're David Baddiel, that is.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
(Taskmaster theme tune)

(Cheers and applause)

- Hello, welcome!

Thank you, welcome to the series nine

Taskmaster grand final!

(Applause)

Soon one of our battle broken contestants

will join the elite,

and fulfil the only dream they have ever had.
To hold aloft

my smelted golden likeness,

and to scream into the void
"I've done it, I am become light!



"I am become immortal!

"The world shall

not forget my name!"

(Laughter)

Please give them an enormous round of applause,
the mighty five are

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

and Rose Matafeo.

And sitting next to me is someone
who's had to put up with a lot of cruel,

unflattering sniping introductions across the series.

I love him, I really love him
So go wild, as I introduce a man

who looks like a pipe cleaner crossed with a weasel.
He's not thin or fat, old or young.



And his favourite song is genuinely
"It's my life" by Dr. Alban.

It's Little Alex Horne!

(Applause)

- It's my life!
Thank you for letting me lie in your sun bed with you.

- You're welcome.
- What a night it was.

- What a weekend.
- What a lovely time we had.
- Good, let's crack on.

What do we have for the final
prize task of the series, please Little Alex Horne?

The grand final.

- Yes, well they've been tasked to bring in
the best thing that is very long and thin.

- Well it's the grand final.
- And you're very long and not very...

(Laughter)

- It's the grand final, I'm hoping for big things.
Ed Gamble,
- Hello.

- What long thin thing have you brought in?
- It's one strand of spaghetti that is so long,

it could constitute a whole portion.

- There it is.

- That is one strand of spaghetti that--

No, it is! It genuinely is!
- It genuinely is.

- Thank you, that I made--
- You know this is the grand final, right?

- I made it from scratch in my kitchen,

which is smaller than the actual strand of spaghetti is.
- It's about nine metres long,

the average spaghetti portion is 32 strands

doesn't sound like a lot, but that's what it is.
- Umm, Jo.

- I have brought a

beautiful piece of knitwear,
that is made out of a very long piece of wool.

- Here it is.

- It's the only thing I have ever knitted,
in my whole life.

I made it when I was at university,
I was severely depressed.

- Did you follow a pattern?
- Ish.

- For trousers?

- Did you really make it?
- Honestly I swear to God, I did.

And the reason it's so awful and so horrible

is because I can't really knit
and it's the only thing I've ever made.

- Okay, so far so good.

David?
- I have brought along the longest ever

tin can walkie-talkie.
When I was a child, I was so frightened of the nazis,

that I thought at any point
I'd have to hide under the floorboard,

thus I would need a walkie-talkie.
- Oh my God.

I mean, she throw depression in
and now we're dealing with the nazis.

- But who were you speaking to,
when you're under the floorboard?
- Churchill.

- It's 17.64 metres long.

- Is that the longest ever?

- Well, it's the longest length that will work.
- Katy?

- Have you

ever read War And Peace?

- What shall I say?
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
- Yeah, I have yeah.

- So, I took all the pages out and joined them all together,

so it's one long piece of paper.

So it's now not only very very long, but very thin.
- It opens like a concertina.

- 1215 pages.

And if you held it up bit by bit,

if you just held it and draped it, it would be as high,

well nearly as high, as The Shard.
Well I've got a--

- Wow!
- When I say nearly,

it nearly is, sort of nearly.

- It's a very impressive and grand gesture,

- Thank you.
- and befitting of the final.
- You seem like you mean that,

which is nice for once.
- Ah, I sort of do.
- Rose.

Long and thin, grand final, ohhhh.

- (Mumbles quietly) I brought in a lasso
made of strawberry lace.
- You what.

- I brought a lasso made of strawberry laces.
- Jesus Christ.

Just once again, this is the grand final.

- It's charming, it's whimsical,

it's delicious.
- (Yells) It's the grand final!

I think points go to substantial offerings.

Ride 'em up cowboy gets one point,
to the strawberry lace girl.

Oh kiss it!
- Wow, hear the crowd.

And I really-- I know that Ed's pasta's gonna be delicious,

but I'm only giving it two points.
- Two points for spaghetti.

- Did you really want to hide from nazi tyranny?
- I did really want to hide.

I don't know that the walkie-talkie would have saved me.
- Three points.
- Thank you.

- Jo's story really touched me, four points.
But look, she's taken on

one of the most classic novels the world has ever seen
and she's put it next to a Shard.

Five points.
- Katy Wix.

(Applause)

- Would it be possible to give me
the series scoreboard update, please

- Of course, well David is on 121 points.

Next is Rose and Jo on 148.

154 to Katy,

and 157 to Ed.

(Applause)

- Right, let's get this final properly underway.
What's the big one to begin with?

- It is a big one, but it features a little one.
Here we go.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Alex.

- Ed Gamble.

- Ooh, do you want to get engaged to me?
- Maybe.

- Okay.

"Do the most preposterous thing

"with this chickpea."

- "You have 20 minutes."

20 minutes?

- Yes please.
- "Your time starts

"now."

- (Sighs) Okay.
- What do you think preposterous means, Katy?

- Absurd, outlandish.

- My process normally,

is to do the first thing that comes into my head.

And obviously the first thing I think
is to shove this up my arse.

Let's bank that.

- So something small,

it'd be like trying to do
something large with it.

- Okay, let's think of something else I can do.

Here I am trying to think of the second thing I can do.
Balance it on my cock.

(Laughter and applause)

- Katy seemed a bit concerned about the definition
of the word there.

So I have checked it in a dictionary,
I've got 'utterly or obviously senseless'.

'Laughably foolish'.
In any examples in the dictionary I looked it up in it says

'to jam something up your bum
or balance it on your knob.

Right, who's first?
- It's Ed first,

to portray preposterousness with a pea.

(Doo-Wop instrumental)

(Giggles)

(Doo-Wop continues)

(Tires screeching)
(Ed yells)

(Caravan squeaking)

(Audience laughter)

(Cheering and applause)

- Jesus Christ.

Tell me if I'm right here, I was just writing down
the narrative as I went along,

You wined and dined a chickpea.
- Yes.

- You fell in love with it.
- Yes.

- Tragically, you lost that chickpea
in an awful car accident.

And then, this is where it gets interesting,

you had sex with its smashed up remains.

- So it's, the chickpea didn't die.
The chickpea was injured

and then I helped rehabilitate it.

And then it happened to numerous other chickpeas.

And then we all got off with each other at the end.

- I've got to be honest with you Ed, at the moment

you should look like the Jeffery Dahmer
of the chickpea world.

- Well, the way I'd describe that whole thing
is preposterous and absurd.

- I mean, come on that was an amazing film.

Let's face it, it was a great opener, well done.
(Applause)

Freeze!

Here's some adverts.

(Applause)

Welcome back to the second part

of the Taskmaster series nine grand final!

(Applause)

There was some serious chickpea shizz
going down before the break.

- Yeah man, bare chickpea grief.
(Laughter)

- Who's next?
- Well, do you want to see him now?

It's preposterous David Baddiel.
Here we go.

- I'd like you to kneel, please.
Welcome to the Chickpeavity.

This chickpea is in fact

God.

You are gonna follow this star,

to where the chickpea was born.

- (Sings) "Ahhhhhhhhh.

"Ahhhhh", can you keep it up a bit?
"Ahhhhhhh".

Is it this way?

Okay, so can we try some carols?
Right, something like

(Sings) "We three kings of hummus are

"on our way to the tahini star."

(Sighs) How much time have we got left?
- You got about three minutes.

- I knew I should have shoved it up my arse.

Oh there's a shop, I've found them.
Here is the Holy family

of chickpeas for 59p.

Are you getting it?
Alright the star will pay.

This bit's not as spiritual as I'd hoped.

Can we buy this?
- Yep.

- And could we buy a tin opener?

Right, come on we haven't got very long.
Can you just go "ahhhhhhh"?

So in the final days,
- 20 seconds, David.
- as they went in

they realised that the Chickpeavity

would rely on meeting the Chickpeavities--
the chickpeas.

Oh God, I'm gonna kill myself doing that, ahh!
Right, this is the virgin chickpea,

this is the virgin chickpea's husband.
And together, they gave birth

to the baby chickpea.

And thus, a religion was born.

(Bell dings)
Thanks.
- Your 20 minutes up.

(Applause)

- What fascinates me is what that must have looked like

from the perspective of the man who owned that shop.
The man who sang Three Lions

came into his shop with a camera crew.
He bought some of his chickpeas,

he threw them on the pavement outside,

and then he left.

- I don't feel that the people on the crew
were ever completely converted.

- I mean, honestly David

they looked bored.
- Yes.

- Who now?
- Now it's the turn of two ladies
whose names have just two letters,

it's Jo and KT.

- I think this will look really horrible.

- Right.

- Done this sort of thing before, Jo?
- All the time.

- Right, that's ridiculous so that'll do.

Just let that settle.

- I've got a crack in my chickpea.
- Sorry to hear that.
- (Laughs) Thanks.

- Not a disease as such but,

a kind of medieval plague.

- Oh bollocks, my chickpea's disintegrated.

Do I only get one?
- Afraid so.

- Scheisse.

- Just wanna make it look pretty.

Done.
- What have you done?

- I turned chickpeas into nails.

(Mumbles inaudibly)

- Thank you Jo.

(Applause)

- Jo, I don't see what's preposterous
about instantly giving yourself

a Kardashian style smile.

- Can I just have one thing to say
about my small project?
- Yes.

- Mercifully short.

- It was mercifully short.
- It was.
- Right, I mean what's wrong with you, come on.

- Wasn't it great?
- It's weird.

- What was the definition again?
- Absurd.

- Balance it on your dick, stick it up your arse.

- These are my dicks and I balanced them on them.
(Applause)

- Finally and sadly, here's Rose Matafeo.

(Somber music)

(Sobs)

(Church bell chimes)

(Somber music)

(Sobbing)

(Church bell chimes)

(Applause)

- It's so preposterous because
during it I genuinely found myself

grieving for a fucking chickpea.
(Laughter)

- Oh God, Chick Pataki.
- How do you feel, that 10 minutes later

I dug that chickpea up and fucked it?
(Laughter)

- Ready, from the top.
- From the top?
- Yes.

Anyone who makes me grieve for something

I would gobble up without a second thought,

gets five points.
- Okay, five points to Rose Matafeo.

(Applause)

- Anyone who subsequently
exhumes that corpse and fucks it

gets four sweet points.

(Applause)

Anyone who gets what's left of the corpse,

slices it thinly,
and tries to pass it off as glamorous nails

gets three sweet points.

Two to David, purely 'cause
Jo just stuck it in a gap in her teeth.

- I know.

- Well goodness me, I'm exhausted.

Early scoreboard please, Alex.

- In this episode it's pretty tight,
there's only three points separating them

There's two people, David an Jo, on five points.
But Katy Wix is on eight points.

(Applause)

- Another one please.
- Okay, and it's the final team task

of the series I'm afraid, sad times.

But at least this task should be everyone's cup of tea.

(Taskmaster task ditty)

Hello Katy.
- Hi, Alex.

- Hello Rose.
- Hello Alex.

- Hello Ed.
- Hello.
- Oh, hi team.

- Team?
- Team, I thought you said Tim.
- I thought you said Tim as well.

- "Make the best cup of tea in this tea cup."

- "You must use all the equipment on the table,

"you must not use anything from the kitchen."

"You must wear the washing up gloves throughout the task.
"Best cup of tea wins."

- "You have a maximum of 10 minutes,
your time starts now."

Oh hang on they're all, they're all locked down.
(Applause)

- Good, nice to see not even a good old cup of tea

can stir any life out of the two older competitors.

- Okay, we're gonna start with the two comedians
that were a massive success

way before Rose Matafeo was even born!
It's David and Jo.

- [David] I think this might be useful.

- [Jo] Well, I think that's useful so I'm gonna rinse that.

- [David] Shall I start to put the water in?

- [Jo] Do you mind, 'cause I'm just gonna have
a quick wee as well.
- [David] Okay fine.

Jo's actually gone for a wee.
- Oh.

- I don't know how long Jo's wee's gonna take.

- Well, you've only got seven minutes left to make--
- Okay, (Calls out) Jo?

- How long does she normally take, your teammate?

- Well uhh, I don't live with her.

Jo?

- Yeah?
- Have a look at this.

Some water will come off,
but I think most of it will go in here.

- Right, or we just--
- I've done it, I've done it, I've done it.

- Okay.
- I felt that we had no choice.
- Alright, you've got too much tea in here.

- Have we?

- Well course, look at that, that's like nearly--
- I like it strong.

- Bollocks, come here we need to get some of that out.
Honestly.

Bit more.

- You know what we don't have?
- Tea strainer.
- Tea strainer.

Oh, got this.
- That's bog roll.
We can't strain it through bog roll.

Right, so I'm gonna put the milk in, okay?

- Okay, 'cause that's how people do it poshly?

- Yeah, and also because we'll be able to see
how strong the tea is.

- Is that working?
- Yeah.

One sugar.
- Yeah, one sugar.

- Can I try to stir it using my dainty finger?
- Yeah.

- Look at that!

- (Blows whistle) Thanks David.
- See you later.
-Thanks Jo.

(Applause)

It's very very strong.

But it's not a bad cup of tea.

(Applause)

- First thing's first, I would like to congratulate Jo Brand

for being the only person in Taskmaster history,

went against the clock

to go to the toilet.

- It would have taken long if I'd wet myself.

- You came back from the toilet
- Yeah.
- with some toilet roll.

And then David decided he was going
to try and strain tea through that.

- Yeah.
- And you said
you can't strain tea through toilet roll.

- Yeah.
- So why did you bring the toilet roll back?

- 'Cause I thought I might have a shit
while it was brewing.
(Laughter)

- Okay, it's the end of part two.
Show us what's on your telly-tummy, Alex.

(Applause)

It's still Taskmaster series nine final,

and there is still a long-ish piece of spaghetti to be won.

But first.
- First a nice cup of tea, hopefully.

Because before the break they were making
the best cup of tea they could,

but with all the necessary bits bolted to a table.
Annoying.

It's the turn of the three young whipper snappers now,
here's how they got on.

- So we need to pour that into there, right?
That's stuck down.

- Have you got a key on you, Alex?
- Have I got a key on me?

- [Katy] Oh keys, keys.

We're looking for keys.
Do you think the keys are in here, in the sugar?

Doesn't matter if I make a mess, does it?

- [Ed] Pop your shoes off for me.

I'm fairly sure there's no key on Alex.
- I'm gonna look for scoopers.

Scoopy, that's quite scoopy.

This lid is quite scoopy.

This tea cup's quite good.
- This is gross.

Ah yes, there's a scoopy.

- [Alex] Where did you get the scoopy from?

- [Katy] I got it from the dressing room.

- [Ed] Is the key in the milk?
- Is it in this, have we checked?

- No it's not in there, there's not enough in there for that.

- There you go, that'll do, that.

- We want to strain it.

- We should just wad it up and squeeze it into the cup,

instead of the strainer.

- [Alex] Wad it up and squeeze it?

- Wad it up and squeeze it into the cup.
Look.

Tea.
- Oh, great.

- [Rose] Wow, that's amazing actually.
- Cup of tea, anyone?

- [Katy] Great, great, great, that's looking the part.

How long have we got?
- [Alex] You've got three and a half minutes left.

- Right, so everyone just get
as much water on that as possible.

And then I'll spit the milk on top when we're done.

- You'll spit?
- Yeah.
- Oh yeah.

Oh, it's a frothy one.
Have you done sugar?
- No we haven't done sugar.

- [Ed] I can't spit that in.
Stir it.
- Give it a stir.

- [Ed] That's a cup of tea, right?

- [Rose] Just clean up the edges there.
- [Ed] Are you tasting this, Alex?
- Yes.

- I feel like we're done,

I don't think we're gonna get
a better cup of tea than that.

- Thanks guys.
- Thanks Alex.

(Audience laughter)

- That was horrible.
Honestly.

(Applause)

- I felt like I was watching a tribe of people

who just invented their own language, a lot of the time.
This is my favourite:

"We should just wad it up and squeeze it into a cup."

And you both went "yeah, yeah we'll wad it up.
"Let's get that wadded up."

- They spent half their time searching for keys in milk.

- You're tricksy, you would put a key in milk.
- I would not put a key in milk, thank you.

- You'd put a key in milk.
- I would not put a key in milk.
- Talking of the milk,

(Laughter)

- You sucked up the milk after finding the scoopy,

you could have used the scoopy.
- No, the scoopies were useless by that point.

- Alex, did it taste a bit hummusy?
(Laughter)

- I think I have to reward the old people.

The fact that you could make a lovely cup of tea,

and you had time to pop to the toilet, is impressive.
So, I'm gonna give five points

to David and Jo.

And I'm sorry, I'm punishing the young people heavy,

I'm giving them one point each.
- No.

- Based on his reaction.

- Well, I think that's entirely fair enough,
five points to David and Jo!
(Applause)

- Hey but Alex, that's not the last
pre-recorded task is it?

- It is, but it's not as bad as it sounds, Greg,

because it's actually the last seven tasks.
Ready?

(Taskmaster task ditty)

- Hello Jo.
- Hi um, Alex.

- Hi Ed.
- Hello Alex.

- Please open up the one on the second step, thank you.
- There's a lot of other ones.

- "Complete the seven tasks."
- "When you touch a task in any way,

"you must complete it before
looking inside another task."

- "Fastest wins, your time starts now."

(Applause)

- Do you want to start straight away?

- Let's start straight away, who should we see?

- We're gonna start with Rose Matter-of-facto.

- Oooh no, okay.

"Put this wheelbarrow in the caravan.

"The wheelbarrow must stay in the caravan
for the rest of the tasks."
Ohhh no.

Okay.

Angles, no other way Rose.
There we go!

- [Alex] One.

- "Roll the bowling ball from behind the rope
at the top of the drive,

"so that it knocks over at least one of the skittles
in front of the front door."

"Place one of your hands

"on one of your hips, and keep it there
until you've completed all the tasks."
Which one?

"Complete the jigsaw."
It's in here?

I see who it's gonna be.

Yes, there we go.

- [Alex] Three left.
- "Hide all the jigsaw pieces around the garden."

Ohh, thank God I got that one first!

- Is your hand on your hip?
Oh, yeah.

- "Put 20 things all bigger than a tennis ball,
in the wheelbarrow."

Nine,

ten...
- [Alex] How many's that?
- 20.

- [Alex] One left.

- Okay great, this is not hard.
"Build a tower of bricks on the red circle.

"The tower must be at least 26 inches high

"and remain standing until all tasks are complete."
Is there a tape measure?

Oh, cool.

I see how this would be difficult
if you got it in a bad order.
Okay, done!

(Applause)

- As you can see from the faces of the other contestants,

things fell rather kindly for you, didn't they?
- I was blessed by a higher power there.

- Were you just thinking,
why have they saved this boring task
for the end of the series?

Because fuck me, strap in mate.

(Laughter)

- If you started from the first one in front of you,

and then worked in a clockwise order.

They'd just have to made the jigsaw, hide the jigsaw.

Put the wheelbarrow in the caravan,
put 20 things in the wheelbarrow.

Knock over the skittles, build a tower,

and then place a hand on the hip.
So it wasn't a hard task.

There are other ways you could do it, of course.
Like Katy and David's way.

- "Hide all the jigsaw pieces around the garden."

- "Hide all the jigsaw pieces around the garden."

- I've hidden them.
- [Alex] One down.
- "Complete..." Oh fuck.

- [Alex] What does it say?
- Complete the jigsaw.
- Oh.

- "Put this wheelbarrow in the caravan."

Does this go in here?
- Yes.

- Oh, maybe I haven't got all the pieces.

- This doesn't feel-- I'm not confident.

- I'm guessing the hole could be bigger
then the wheelbarrow.

Want me to have a look?
- Can you see anything?

- There comes a point where you have to say
what is in and what is out.

I think that's in.
- Okay.

- Right, thank God for that.

"Put this wheelbarrow in the caravan."

I've got a feeling I've picked them up in a bad order.
- "Build a tower of bricks."

- (Sighs) Ohh my God.

- Task completed.
"Put 20 things all bigger then a tennis ball

"in the wheelbarrow."

- "Place one of your hands on one of your hips."
For the rest of the thing?
- Yes please.

- "Complete the jigsaw."
Ah, you see it's worked for me my laziness there, hasn't it?

- "Build a tower."

- Oh.

Yay.
- [Alex] Two left.

- "Place one of your hands on your hips and keep it there

"until you've completed all the tasks."

Is that my hip, I'm never entirely sure where my hip is.

- [Alex] Where do you think your hip might be?
- Is it here?

(Phone ringing)

- [Iva] Yes?
- Iva?

- [Iva] David.
- Yeah, hello.

You recently had a hip replacement, isn't that true?

- [Iva] That's correct.

- Well, I'm not entirely sure where my hip is.
- [Iva] It kind of runs down

sort of by your testicles.
- By your testicles?

Here, what?!

- "Roll a bowling ball
"so that it knocks over at least one of the skittles."

Thank God for that.
- [Alex] One more task.
- Actually, I'll tell you what...

- [Alex] Hand on your hip please.
- Yeah.

- [Alex] What do you mean 'yeah'?
- This one.

- "Put 20 things all bigger then a tennis ball

"in the wheelbarrow."

- [Alex] Remember, if you knock over your tower

you have to start everything all over again.

- I'd rather die.

- 14,

15,

18,

19.

- [Alex] Where's your hand, David?
- Ow!

- Oh great, that's the last one.

- Whoooaa!

(Applause)

- I think that you both picked them up in roughly
the wrong sort of same order.

- I think, when I saw how Rose had done it, I gasped.

Because I think I was on the wheelbarrow alone,
for 20 minutes, I'd say.

- You did spend a lot of time on the wheelbarrow,

and you rushed certain other elements.

- Good news though.

- Really?
- Yeah.
- Where?

- You know where your fucking hip is.
(Laughter)

- Actually, was my hand in the right place to begin with?

- To begin with, but then you didn't have it on
for the rest of the task.

It kept coming off your hip.

- But why didn't he start again if that was---
- Well, I was wondering the same thing.

- That would have been--
As I said I would have rather died.
I mean, I would.

- One part left until the end of the series.
Who will take home both the trophy

and its guardian Alex Horne,
to live with you

for the rest of your natural lives.

Find out who wins
after this final vomit of adverts.

Hello, here we go then.
Welcome back to the final part of the series.

(Applause)

We had a right loaded task going on
before the break didn't we, Alex?

- Oh we sure did, Dad.
There are seven tasks to complete,

all of the tasks simple enough

depending on the order in which they are completed.

Get the order wrong or mess up a task

and you could create a living nightmare for yourself.
Here is Jo and Ed.

- One,

two.

- You little bastard!

- I could imagine that's as simple as that's going to be.

- [Alex] One down.
- "Roll a bowling ball."

- [Alex] Not got many to aim for.
- Yes, certainly less than I did initially.

- [Alex] Would it be worth aiming it at a different place?
- I swear to God, Alex...

- Woo hoo!

- [Alex] Okay one down, six to go.
- "Put 20 things

"all bigger than a tennis ball, in the wheelbarrow."

- Get in, you prick!

- [Alex] Two down.
- "Complete the jigsaw."

- [Alex] Do you like jigsaws?
- Nope.
Absolutely hate them.

- "Put this wheelbarrow in the caravan."

Have you ever seen anyone have a stroke?
- That's a corner.

Well, that's not that corner, is it.
I mean, what is wrong with me?

- So what happens if stuff falls out of it?

- Oh you have to start again with the skittles.
- Right.

- "Place one of your hands on your hips and keep it there

"until you've completed all the tasks."

- So that's kind of in.

Isn't it?

- [In unison] "Hide all the jigsaw pieces
around the garden."

- Fuck's sake.
I mean, oh dear.

- [Alex] What did it say, Jo?
- Complete the jigsaw.

- "Build a tower of bricks on this red circle."

- Finished.
"Place one of your hands on your hips and keep it there

until you've completed all the tasks.
- "Put this wheelbarrow in the caravan."

- I'd say that's it.
- [Alex] Okay, I'll stop the clock.

- Ohhhh!

I've got to start the tasks again, haven't I?
- Yes.

- I so nearly did it!

- [Alex] Have you nearly finished the jigsaw, Ed?

- If you ask me that one more time,
I am shoving this jigsaw up your dick.

One, two.

There you go.

"Place one of your hands on your hips and keep it there
until you've completed all the tasks."

- [Alex] Still one more, Ed.
- What?

- [Alex] I'll stop the clock.

Thank you, Ed.
- Go fuck yourself.

- I want to know if everybody did all the tasks.

- Well, there was one interesting incident in that one.

Ed started his tasks again because
something came out the wheelbarrow.

Something came out of Jo's wheelbarrow

she took the wellies out but she didn't start again.

And strictly speaking, she probably should have.
I didn't tell her to, because of

the scenario.

- What, the scenario being you're frightened of her?

- Well, she'd threatened to have a stroke just before that.
(Laughter)

I thought, she just took a couple of wellies out.
- Oh no, come on what?!
- Pardon?

- That was the worst day of my fucking life.
- So far, so far.

- If I could have taken out a couple of wellies,
I would have been fine!
Fucking fly!

(Laughter)

I stuck to the rules, Alex.
- Yes, yes, yes.
- I stuck to the rules.

As far as I could see it,
only me and Rose stuck to the rules.

- I think we've got to think about the spirit here,
did everyone--

- No, it's not about the spirit!

You know it's not about the spirit!

You've never been about the spirit.
- And the trouble is, no one can compete with Rose.

Rose completed all the tasks
in under two minutes each of them.

She did it in 13 minutes and 20 seconds.
- Wow!

(Applause)

- With her hand on her hip it still took her

just under a minute to build her 26 inch tower.
- Oh right, her 26 inch tower?

- Yes, her 26 inch tower,
I measured it to double check, I can show you here.

- Ooohhh.

- [Audience] Ohhhhhh.

- So Greg, to sum up,
Rose didn't build a tower tall enough.

Katy didn't put enough things in the wheelbarrow.
Jo took things out of the wheelbarrow.

And David kept taking his hand off his hip.
Ed completed it twice.

(Applause)

- Rules is rules, so I'm afraid

Ed Gamble five points, everyone else none.
(Applause)

Quick score, for old time sake.
- Of course, well it's fairly tight in the episode.

Five points separating them,
so anyone can win the episode.

Rose has seven, but Ed Gamble has 12 points.
(Applause)

- Well it saddens me to ask, but please

could you head to the stage
for the final task of the series.

(Applause)

I see five great people with aprons.
Who's gonna read the task out?

- This great person with an apron, David Baddiel.
- "Pull the short breadstick.

"Taking it in turns,
"you must pull a breadstick out of the apron

"of the person next to you.

"Before each pull, the breadstick's bearer
"must point to one of their breadsticks, wink,

"and say 'this is the short breadstick'.

"If you pull the short breadstick,

"that breadstick bearer is disqualified.

"The last remaining player wins."

I don't know what the fuck any of that meant.

- You're gonna be holding your five breadsticks,

like this, so they all look like they're the same length.

There is a little one inside your pocket now.
- Do we have some time to rearrange, Alex?

(Laughter)

- They are arranging their breadsticks, Greg.

I should say, there is only one winner of this.

The last person standing gets five points,

so any of you could still win the episode.
- Ohhh.

- [Jo] How exciting.

- David versus Ed, first of all.
Please face each other.

So, Ed you are the breadstick bearer.
- David,

this is the short breadstick.

- He's won, it's the short breadstick!

- Ed Gamble is out.

- Okay, so.

So David remains the breadstick puller.
- Okay, uhh this is the short breadstick.

- Oh bollocks.
- That's okay, you stay in the game.

So, Katy you're the breadstick bearer.

- Jo, that is the shortest breadstick.

- Okay the game continues, Katy.

- This is the shortest breadstick.

- Okay, I don't believe you.

Actually I do believe you, sorry.

So if I believe, I pull it?
- If you believe, you pull it.

She did not pull the short breadstick,
you can rearrange them.

Rose if you come...

Rose is now going to pull David Baddiel's breadstick.
- Oh come on, don't say that.

(Laughter)

- Okay Rose, this

is the short breadstick.

- Please pull it.

Baddiel survives, good luck.

Jo, please accuse one of your breadsticks
of being short.

- Dave, that's the short breadstick.

- That's okay, that's okay, the game carries on.
- Ohh the tension.

- Right, that is the short breadstick.

- He-heee.

- Ohhhh!

- Jo, that's good!
- Jo, you're in still.

- Katy you must now sit on the elimination bench.

- Oh yeah, oh shit!
- Katy Wix disappears.

It's now getting to the exciting bit, Greg.

- Jo, this is the shortest breadstick.

- Thanks Rose, that's so sweet.

- Okay, we carry on.

- This is the shortest breadstick.
- Okay.

- It is the short breadstick, we've lost David Baddiel.

We now have the final.
- Wooooo-hooo!

- It's Rose to pick, whoever doesn't

have their short breadstick pulled
is the winner of this task.

And that will be the end of that.

- Okay, uhh Rose,

- Yes!
- Oh, vocal fry.
That is the short breadstick.

- We have a winner!

Rose Matafeo's the winner!

- Right, come back down we'll add that to the final scores.

(Applause)

Oh man, what a rush.

- There was one winner of the breadstick competition,

and that was of course, Rose Matafeo.
- Rose Matafeo.
- She gets the five points.

Which means it's our tightest episode of the series.

There's only three points separating
last, Katy Wix,

from first.
Which was, with 12 points

Ed Gamble and Rose Matafeo.
- [Audience] Oohhhhhh.

- Oh wow!

- So how are we actually going to decide
who's won this episode?

- With a lovely pop-up tie break.
In this task,

they had to make a pop-up toy pause
for the longest before popping up.

They could use one of the spreads provided
to make their toy pause longer, if they wanted.

Here we go, Ed and Rose both used peanut butter.

- Oh, I should have gone with butter.

- [Alex] Peanut butter, is it?
- Yes, peanut butter all the way.

- [Alex] Sticky isn't it?
- [Ed] You got anything else on today?
- Yes.

- [Alex] Umm, it's lunch.
- Lunch time?

- [Alex] Are you okay to leave him?
- Yeah, let's leave our friend there.

What are you having for lunch?

- So, Rose's toy paused for 44 seconds,
but Ed's paused for well over an hour and a half.

Ed Gamble wins the episode!

- Ed Gamble wins the episode.
Please go and play with your long, thin things.

They're all yours!

(Applause)

Please give another round of applause
for tonight's winner, Ed Gamble!

(Cheers and applause)

Well then.

Hello,

and welcome

to the trophy ceremony.

It's tense isn't it?

It's now that I hand over

to tiny Little Alex Horne,
to reveal the final results.

- (Whispers) Okay, I'm six foot two.

David, David, David.
- Yes.

You came fifth in the end with 128 points.
David Baddiel.
- Thank you so much.

(Applause)

- But a long way above you,

in fourth places with 154 points

it's Jo Brand!

- Yay!

- Two people, almost inseparable, but separable
on 158 and 159 points they are

Katy Wix in third and Rose Matafeo in second!

(Applause)

- Which means, the ninth

Taskmaster champion is

Ed Gamble!

(Cheers and applause)

And so I bid you farewell.

Thank you to our truly tremendous cast

for being everything a Taskmaster could've dreamed of.
Let's have one more cheer,

for our monumental series champion,
Ed Gamble!

(Applause)