Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 9, Episode 1 - Join Our Cult - full transcript

New guests, new tasks and a new golden head to be won.

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(Taskmaster theme song)

(Audience cheering and applauding)

- Hello! Yes!

Welcome, here we go again.

I’m Greg Davies and this is
the ninth series of Taskmaster!

(Audience cheering)

Quivering away on their stools are five new rivals,

each one desperate to begin their quest
to find some purpose in life.

Purpose that can only be attained by taking home this:

My 24 carat Kopf.

So, let’s meet them and then let’s judge them.

Our phenomenal competitors are:

David Baddiel

Ed Gamble

Jo Brand

Katy Wix

Rose Matafeo

(Cheering and applause)

But now he’s back,
of course he’s back.

What else would he be doing?
He’s had literally no other offers.


It’s little Alex Horne!

(Cheering and applause)

- I’m trying to develop a new, sort of persona.

- Oh really?
-Yeah, I've toughened up.

Because a lot of people think I’m a goody two-shoes.
Not any more.

I’m a, uh,
well, a goody three-shoes.

I want people to think I’m a goody three-shoes.
- Yep.

Or, I’ve got, I've got another: Goody four-shoes.

There’s a maximum of six
and I’ve got two more in the drawer.

- Yeah, well, go through those.

- Just two little
ones there.


Potentially, a goody six—shoes.

(Drawer slamming shut)

- Good! Time for our first Prize Task, then.

- Yes, of course, and to really relax
the new bunch into the competition,

we’ve asked them to bring in
the most stressful thing.

- Ohhhh. Hmm.
- Stressful.

The person that’s brought in
the most stressful thing,

according to you, The Taskmaster,
will get five points

and at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home all five stressful prizes

and probably have mixed feelings
about the whole affair.

- Hello to you, David Baddiel.

- Hello there, Greg Davies.

- What stressful thing have you brought in, please?

- Ah, this:


It’s an empty toilet roll,

and it’s only stressful in
very particular situations.

It’s stressful when you’ve had a big shit.

- I agree, it’s very stressful and I empathise.

When I go home to see my mum,
she uses the downstairs toilet in her home,

and then when I go back,
I use the upstairs toilet,

which she does not properly stock.

So, I’m faced with a dilemma every time

I have evacuated my fulsome bowel.

- Yeah, well I imagine your evacuations are huge.

- Oh, my God.

It’s like a shire horse
has trotted through the village.


Good, I think that's a really stressful opener, well done.
- That's all right.

- Ed Gamble.
- Hello Greg!

- There he is.
- Hello.

- What did you bring in?

- I’ve brought a compilation
of stressful sounds.

Baby crying, nails going down a chalkboard,

an announcement saying that
your plane or train has been cancelled.

- Let’s have a listen.
- OK.

(Baby crying)

(Nails scraping down a chalkboard)

(Audience moaning)

(Horn honking)

- What’s that?

- That’s your train leaving
as you arrive.

- Oh.
(Audience laughing)

- I also got a chair breaking on there.
Like, when you sit on a chair and it breaks under you.

You know that one.
- Yep.

- I am fat.


Jo Brand.

- Hello, Greg.
- What’s your stressful thing?

- It is the musical score for

Bach’s Toccata in D minor.

- Oh, God, that stresses me out all the time.
Does that stress you out?

- All the time.
Hate it.

- Do you know how it goes?

- No.
- It goes (mimics Bach's Toccata).

- But why does this stress--(laughs)

- Well it stresses me out because I had to perform it

at the Royal Albert Hall in front of 8,000 people.

- Just like you did then?

If there was an organ here,
would you be able to play it?

- Yeah.



- Do you want me to play that?

- Yeah.
- Oh, well I can’t play that, but I’ll have a go.

- Is that technically an organ?

- It’s an organ sound, thank you.

(Jo plays Bach's Toccata)


(Switches key)


- Duh-duh-duuuuuh.

- I mean, no wonder you were stressed.

- That was amazing!


- Hello, Katy Wix.

- Hi, Greg. Big fan.

- What’s your stressful thing?

- Umm, this is something I’ve made,

so I’d like that to be taken into consideration.

I drink a lot of tea, so this is,

personally, what I find very stressful,
but I think anyone would.



- You have glazed the lid shut as well,
which is stressful.

- Yeah, exactly because it would be even more-

- So it would be stressful getting tea into the spout to start with, wouldn't it?

- Yeah.
- Were you trying to make an ordinary teapot?

- No, that would be insane, wouldn’t it?


- I think it’s a really stressful-looking object,
and I really like it.

- Thank you.
- And I’m also impressed by your craft skills.

- Oh, thanks. I am too.

- Rose Matafeo.

- Uh, I thought, "What’s more stressful than

an unspooled cassette tape?"

- Here it is.
- Here it is.

Look at that, and the craziest,
most stressful thing is that

on that tape, I recorded who actually
assassinated JFK.


- You recorded it, but then you just forgot?

- I forgot, yeah.

- It wouldn’t be stressful if it was like, say,
a Peter Andre album, would it?

- You know, you could enjoy it.
- It depends on what is on the tape, for sure.

- Unless Peter Andre, by some weird chance,
assassinated JFK.

Which I'd love.

- I would love it if Andre was responsible.

- I think you might now have to say, legally, that he didn't.

- I don’t think--

I don’t think a court’s going to take that case seriously.

Here, I’ll say it!

Andre, I think that Peter Andre killed JFK!

Sue me!

(Laughter and applause)

- Are you ready to score?
- Yes.

There were two that I was least stressed by:

Ed Gamble’s and Rose Matafeo’s.
- Okay.

- Three points I’m giving to Jo Brand
and her one-man band.

-OK, three points for Jo Brand.
- Still not bad.

Four points I’m giving to old Poo Roll.

David Baddiel.

- Four points to David.
- It is my actual nickname.

- The thing I found most stressful is the idea
of scolding my lovely arms,

with a badly-designed teapot, so I’m giving
five points to Katy Wix.


OK, right, let’s start the show proper.

Let’s see what they’ve been up to.
What is the first task?

- Well, just like your bedtime routine,
this one involves three aubergines.


(Eerie Taskmaster music)

- Aubergines.
Shall I sit down?

- Oh.
- Are they your sort of thing?

- No, I hate them, actually.

- Hello, Rose.

- (Gasps) This looks like a trap.

- Looks like a trap?
- Yeah.

(Audience laughing)
-Oh, hello. You all right?

- Yes. You?

- Yes.

- Do I have to not--
(Audience laughing)

"Hide three aubergines in this room.

- "Longest time for Alex to find them wins.

- "You have nine minutes,
after which Alex will start searching

"for the three aubergines.

- "Your time starts now."
Are you going to close your eyes?

- I’m off. I'll see you in nine minutes.

- Get out.

Quickly, quickly.


- I would like to commend you, Ed, for speaking to Alex

in the way that he should be spoken to.

"Get out. Get out now."

I think we should see some stuff.

- Okay, the first to tackle the task
are two almighty household names:

It’s Jo Wix and Katy Brand.


- Right, ahhh (hums)

- I’ll put it up here.

I’m really tempted to put all three there.

(Audience laughing)

Do you think he’d think about that?
Maybe I’ll put them both in there.

I think I'll take the risk.

I’ll be so gutted if it’s the first thing he asks.

- It’s going to be too obvious if I splat all of them.

So I’m going to just splat that one.

- I think maybe I’ll do things
to put him off the scent.

I’ll leave that out as a red herring.

- That'll do.

Will it actually make him think
I’m hiding something if I'm sitting here?

- Alex!

- Good luck, me.
- Yeah.

- My time starts now.
- Agree.

- You’re sitting very naturally.

- Yeah, really naturally, like this.

- Why is there Sellotape there?
- Just is.

- Do you want me to move?
- No, I think you’re sitting on the aubergines.

- Do you?

- Just the way you were...

OK. Lovely.

Can I look inside your helmet?

- Oh, for fuck’s sake.


- You’ve got two there.

- I really didn’t think--

- I haven’t found your aubergines yet.

It’s quite frustrating.

- You said that through gritted teeth.

- Right, then. Where’s the other one?

Oh, I’ve just found quite a few aubergines.

I walked past them in the very beginning.

- Have you looked in that box?
- No.

Thank you.

- Have you looked in that hole there?

- Yeah, I was just looking in that hole there.

- I’m enjoying this task.
- Hmm, I’m not.

Can you stop the clock for me, please?

- Have you got it?
- Yeah, I got it.

It was just... How did you get it up there?

- Um, chair.
- Chair?

Is it in this corner of the room?

- I’m not supposed to say I don’t think.

You’re trying to trick me.

- Can you stop the clock?
I’ve just found the aubergine, Jo.

Smells, doesn’t it?
- But nice, though.

- Not really nice.

Thanks, Jo.


- You chose a very practical outfit for this series.

- Yeah, I wanted to be fun, safe and visible.


- Well, tactically, it was an interesting choice
to just stick two aubergines

in a hat and then hold--

- I was trying to hold it very naturally,
but actually ended up doing the opposite.

and what gave it away.

- I think aubergines in a helmet’s quite common.
We’ve all done that.

- Oh Of course.
It’s an absolute classic.

You showed contempt
for the aubergine as a vegetable.

- I show contempt for all vegetables,
can you not tell?

- I thought flattening the old aubergine was a masterstroke, though.

- Oh, thank you, Greg.

- It did take me quite a while to find them.
- How long did it take you?

- 7 minutes 38 to find all three of Jo’s aubergines.

That’s a personal worse because 5 minutes 25 for Katy,

comfortably under 2 minutes per aubergine.

- Right. That’s longer than I thought

given that she’d popped two in a helmet
and held them up in front of you.

- Yeah. It was the third one.

- Well, I’d never have thought
that she would used a chair at any point.

- Well done. A great start.

Here we go, then. First ad break
of the series.

Let’s see what tat they’re peddling this




Welcome back to the first episode
of series nine.

Alex Horne, you bearded little pudding,

what was happening before the break?

- Hello there, Greg.
Well, it’s the first task of the series

and already the tables have turned.

They have been trying to hide three aubergines from me, a bearded little pudding.

Katy and Jo did pretty well.

So let’s see the next two. It’s Ed and Rose.

- My first instinct is to eat a whole raw aubergine.

Or to destroy one and leave little bits around the room.

No way I can do that.

- Mind games.

(Alex knocks on door)
- Come in!

- I’m starting the clock.

I’m starting
my own clock now.

I feel like this is a decoy,
but I’m going to open it anyway.

It would be mad not to.

Oh, no. There’s a bit of an aubergine.

Just because I know you.

- That’s not an aubergine.

- Rose, can you stand up, please?

Do you mind if I sniff you?

No aubergine.

- I smell all right.
-You smell lovely.

So far--
- He’s panicking.

- No aubergines.

OK, behind, behind things. They might be behind--

- They might be behind things?

- Well, this is frustrating.
- It is, isn’t it?

- I haven’t found much aubergine yet. Oh!

- (Laughing) No!

- An aubergine. Right, I think we gave you
three aubergines, haven't we?

- Three aubergines and you’re supposed to be finding them.

You’ve been going for 3:20 so far.

(Audience laughter)

- I’m going to rule out areas.
It’s not in this area.

- Is it?
- I don't know.

- I feel like it’s
in this area now.

- Did you think this was going to be this hard?

- Pardon?

- You’ve looked at that already.
- I don't think it's in this area.

- Well, you want to move out of the area, then.

- I do want to move out the area.
I’m going to move out the area now.

- That’s an aubergine. That’s a whole aubergine.

- Is it?
- No.

Have you stuffed it in a cushion?

That’s an aubergine.

Stop, I think. Stop.

I think I’ve found the third aubergine.

- It’s amazing how much it compacts down
into a baby’s head.

(Audience laughter and applause)

- You enjoying your role.

I mean, almost going
for Alex’s job there.

- Oh, I loved it.

I can’t believe how stupid he was
when he had to do a task.


Honestly, he was in that area

for over five minutes, I’d say.

But constantly saying,
"It’s not in this area."

- Well, I didn’t think they were going to
be crammed into a baby’s had.

This is my problem.

- Is that how you made the
baby cry?
- Yes.



My technique was I imagined that
Alex was a prison guard,

and he was coming to do a contraband search

and we were in a world where aubergines were drugs.


- The person that responded to prison etiquette the most

was Rose, I thought, because

when Alex asked if he could smell you,
you immediately went:

Looked like you’d been there 100 times before.

- You were very good.
Three minutes, one second per aubergine.

So nine minutes, three seconds.

- How did old Baby Head do?

- 13 minutes 53 I spent looking for Ed’s aubergines.

It was quite a small room.

- Finally.

- He’s justified and he’s ancient, it’s David Baddiel.


- Not sure this is a good idea.

OK, this is what I’m going to do.
I’m going to eat as much as I can,

the rest of it I’m going to put in my pants.

(Audience laughter)
Ok, put these somewhere.

Got some Sellotape?

I’ve eaten most of it.

I’m worried I’ve got
some aubergine in my teeth.

(Alex sniffs)

- Why does it smell so strong in here?

- There’s no need.

(Audience laughter)

- Is that one of them?

- I thought I might camouflage it.
I didn't do it very well.

- Why did it come off when I pointed at it?
- Amazing, you're magic.

- Why are you talking so weirdly?
- Don't know.

- Can you open your mouth, please?

Can you lift your tongue up?

Why are these open?

(Audience laughter)

Can you open them again
and undo everything, please?

- Where do you think the aubergine is?

- I think the aubergine’s in your pants.

A bit of a glimpse.

I still think there’s some in your mouth.

- Well, there might be a few bits in my mouth.
But that isn’t where most of it--

- Is it in there?
- Yes.

- How much of it?

- Whatever of it this isn’t.

- You’ve eaten half an aubergine?
- More than half.

- Raw?
- Yeah.

- Now I’m looking for the--
There it is.


(Audience applause)

- I think we were all expecting you to just
gobble your way through three aubergines.

Then, half an aubergine in, you went,
"Oh, fuck this, they’re going in my pants."

- Yeah.
Someone did say to me, they're poisonous you know.

And that didn't stop me.

That’s how committed I am to Taskmaster.

- Well, you know, look what you could win.


- And there might be some kind of drug,
or something, in them

because I thought, "I’ll put one on that
portrait with some Sellotape."

- Which I thought was actually a masterstroke,
if it wasn’t for Alex’s magic powers.

- Do you want to see my magic finger
again in action?

It was, I felt so powerful when this happened.


- Wow!

- I’ve not pointed at anything since
just in case.

- What time did the naughty boy do?

- I found them in two minutes total.

So he is in last place
and the winner of the task was Ed Gamble.

(Cheering and applause)

- Lovely. Is it lovely scoreboard time?

- It's the first scoreboard of the series.

We’ve got Katy Wix in the first place.

- Finally. Things are looking up for me.

- Slap me up with another one, little Alex Horne.

- Okay, and I think you’ll lick this one a lot.

- (Gasp) Uh- oh. Oh.

(Taskmaster horn music)

OK, in a second, we’re going to go over a curb.

Still quite uneven field terrain here.

- Okay, I know

- So you're gonna take a step up.

Step up here, that’s lovely.

Right, if you could just open the task.

- What? Take my things off, first?
- No, thank you.

- How am I supposed to read this, Alex?

- Would you like me to read it to you?

- Here's what I was doing, checking for Braille.

Then remembered that I don’t read Braille.

- "Arrange the lollies--"

- Oh, Christ.

"--in rainbow order on the board in front
of you."

- "Arrange the lollies in rainbow order."

- That’s what I said.

- They're not women called Lolly's.

- I haven’t finished yet.
- Oh, sorry.

- 'You may only take off your goggles if you
find the dodo.

"You may only accuse one thing of being a

- I can only accuse one thing of being a dodo?

- Yeah, standard rules.

- Fair dos.

- "Most accurate rainbow order wins.

"You have seven minutes.
Your time starts now."

- When I was young, my mother
used to call my penis a dodo.

- Because it’s extinct?

(Audience laughter)


- Did she really call it a dodo?

- Yes.
Almost everything I say is just true.

It is, I have a problem with that.
- Okay.

Anyone else have pet names within their family,
for their genitals?

- My dad called my penis a dodo as well.

- I call all penises dodos because they are
rarely seen.

- I’ve seen loads.

Do you mean generally, in your life or--?

- Yeah, it was a while before I saw one.


- What did you call it when you saw it?

- A blessing.

(Laughter and applause)

- We are halfway through this first episode

but it’s still unclear who will bag David
Baddiel’s loo roll.



- Oh! Hello. Thank you.

Thanks for tuning in again.
It's Taskmaster.

It's a new series, and I for one,
am very pleased to be back.

- And I for one am...too.

Before the break the task involved
our competitors blindfolded

and licking lollies to work out their colours,

before trying to place them in rainbow order.

You find the dodo, you can take your goggles off.

Here they are grouped together again,
It's Katy and Jo, first of all.

- Urgh!

- What’s wrong?

- I’m not doing that again. It tastes of onion.

- What colour do you think that is?

- Oh, Orange. There’s no orange in the rainbow?

Oh, yeah, there is.

- That doesn’t feel like a dodo to me.

- That feels like a foot.

- A dodo foot?

- Oh, possibly.

- Oh, fuck it,
I’m going to accuse this of being a dodo

'cause I can’t be arsed to go any further.

- Unfortunately it’s not a dodo.

- That’s also an option for a dodo.
It feels more like a seal.

- A seal?

- Not the singer.

- That is orange.

- Now, remember, you can only accuse one thing
of being a dodo.

- Yeah, tell me about it.

I’m going to say this is the dodo.

- Can you accuse it formally of being a dodo, please.

- J’accuse.

- No, it’s not a dodo.

- And that’s it, is it?
- Yep.

- That is taupe.

- Taupe?
- Yeah.

- What are the colours of the rainbow?

- (Sings) Red and yellow and pink and--

blue, orange and purple and green.

- Is that it?

- It feels kind of blue.

- That's the last hole.

- That feels kind of yellow.

(Blows whistle)
- Thank you Jo.

(Blows whistle)
Thank you Katy.

- I feel like my tongue is crying.


- There is actual proper mnemonic,
isn’t there?

Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vagina.


- So far Katy is in last place,
Jo is in first place so far.

- Oh, well, that’s good, isn’t it?

- Now it’s Rose and David’s turn to have a good old lick.

- Isn’t this the dodo?

- Are you accusing it of being a dodo?
- All of this.

- Possibly. Hang on a sec.

Let me just make absolutely certain
that there's nothing else that could possibly be a dodo.

This feels like it might be shaped like a bird.

Is that dodo?

- No.
- Oh bollocks.

- This is green.

- Why is it green?

- Peppermint?

- (Sings) Red and yellow and pink and...


- Fuck that. That’s lavender. That's violet.

- Yellow.

- Why?
- It’s a banana.

It’s a black currant flavoured lolly,
so it is purple.

- (Laughing) God. That tastes hot.

- Can I ask you why you’re sniffing the ice lollies?

- To get the flavour.
And therefore the colour.

- Is that how you get the flavour?

- I can taste them.

(Audience laughter)

It just tastes of... What the fuck is that?

- This is a hot one. So, ROYGBIV.

- Pardon?

Red. Red hot.

- It's the red on the right, if you think that’s red.

- I don’t know what colour a chilli ice lolly is.
I’m assuming red.

So that goes here.

- That’s lavender. ROYGBIV. Violet.

- Smells a bit like it might be blue.

- Fuck off.

- Do they all taste of shit?

This is the closest you’ve come so far
to a kind of KGB torture thing.

- Fuck off! (Laughs)

- Alex?
- Yes?


- Orange.

Bubble gum.

What’s the taste of indigo?

I’m just going to guess here.

- That’s your time up, David.
That's your time up, thank you.

Enjoy that?

- (Laughs) No.


- Is that the New Zealand equivalent of Richard
Of York?



- Mr Biv?
- Your man, Roy.

- Sounds like absolute horse-shit to me.

Um, Interesting, David, Taskmaster often
confuses people a little,

but it doesn’t normally make them
forget how to use basic senses.

- No. It... It took me a while to realise
I could lick them.

But, you know, I didn’t know what I was licking.

I thought I might be licking a dodo,
and for me that’s a complicated thing to do.

(Laughter and applause)

- Rose did genuinely very well.

Her rainbow was black, orange, yellow, green, red, violet, indigo.

So only three were actually right.

The violet and indigo were the wrong round.
But it's pretty impressive.

- And David’s was rubbish.

- There was two right briefly,
but then one at the end of the task.

- Very good boy.
Okay, let's see another.

- There is one lolly licker left.

Is he the world’s first diabetic dodo detective?
Let’s find out.

- I need to find the dodo.

- Don’t have to.
- Hello.

- Is this a dodo or is this a flamingo?


I’m discounting that. That can’t be a dodo.

I’m going to accuse this of being a dodo.

- You may remove your goggles.


- It’s Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain.

- Okay.

(Audience laughter)


- Red on the right.

- Red on the right?

It’s almost as if you should let the paint fully dry,
before applying the goggles.


Richard Of York Gave--


What’s indigo and what's violet?

Richard Of York Gave Battle In Vain.
Why have I got an extra one?

I’m saying that’s yellow, and that’s orange.


It’s like I’ve never seen a rainbow.

Of York... Red... Richard...

Orange, yellow.

Indigo, violet.


- Finished?
- Yeah, I’ve finished.

- (Blows whistle) That’s your time up.
- Thank you.


- In the end, despite being able to see them,

he only actually put the red, the green
and the blue in the right place.

- Really?
- What?

- Well, you thought yellow was orange
and orange was yellow.

Then you put black instead of indigo
and indigo instead of violet.

- Well, none of those colours were accurate.

If you took those colours to Dulux they wouldn’t say "Oh, that's orange."

- You scored the same as Rose
and she couldn’t see.


So, the task points, Katy Wix gets one,

Jo Brand and David Baddiel get three points,
in joint third.

And Ed and Rose share five points each.

(Audience cheering and applause)

- So, another one, please?

- Yes, and it’s a chance for each contestant
to really make their presence felt.

(Intense Taskmaster music)

- Hi, Alex.

- Oh (Laughs)

- Oh, boy.

- "Make the most dramatic entrance.

"You have one hour.
Your time starts now."

- Blimey.

- Great.

No problem.

- Drama.

- What if I just didn’t come back?
That would be quite dramatic.

- It wouldn’t be an entrance.

- It would be an entrance of sorts.
It would be an anti-entrance, wouldn't it?

- It would be an exit.
- Yeah, that's true.

And not very dramatic, if I just didn't come back.


- Good, listen, I don’t want to chat,
I just want to get on with it.

- You want a dramatic entrance.

- Let’s see these people work
on their dramatic entrance.

- Okay. First up, it’s David Baddiel.

(Doctor Who theme tune)

(Audience laughter)

(Robotic sounds)

(Audience laughter)

- Doctor Who.


(Audience laughter)

- Come in, come in.

That’s lovely.

- I thought it was fine.


- I enjoyed the SFX.

I enjoyed the beautiful
playing of the organ.

- Thank you.
- That was excellent.

But where you lost it for me was,

your performance as Doctor Who herself,
seemed to lack conviction.

- I thought I'd be not just Doctor Who,

I was trying to be the TARDIS,
the Daleks, the whole thing.

And that’s took it out of me.

- On there, all I saw in your eyes was:

"Oh no, my kids are going to see this."


- Okay. Next up, it’s a sort of Jo Brand.
Here we go.

(Double bass music)

- Ahhhhh!

(Laughter and applause)

- We really enjoyed doing that.

- Now, that’s drama.

And I felt that you really inhabited
Henry VIII there as well.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

Was it Anne Boleyn’s head?

- Yeah.

- That was the most dramatic entrance
so far for me.

- Okay, there’s only been two.
That’s bad news for David.

- But David’s in second.

- Yes. Or last. Yep.

Next to enter is Ed Gamble.

(Frightening music)

- Hello Alex.

- Hello Ed.


- Now, a lot of people might have been surprised by that.

But of course it’s entirely in keeping
with the sort of music you're into.

All the shouty dark music.

And you’ve got all the tattoos,

the big wolf with the fire
coming out of his mouth, on your leg.

- I do. It’s technically a hell hound.

- Thank you. (Laughs)

You lit up the little baby doll heads,

to make them all spooky.

- Took a long time to get the aubergine
out of them though.

- Lovely, lovely work. Very dramatic.

Okay, time to wave bye-bye to part three. Bye.



Thank you and welcome back to
the fourth part of Taskmaster.

- Yes, and if anyone ever just wants to hang out with me or anything,

my number is 0207 598 7323.

Before the break the contestants were making dramatic entrances.

We’ve had Who, Henry and Horror, the three Hs.

But now, it’s Katy Wix.
She’s a nice lady from Wales.

- (Whispers) Flippin' heck.

(Taskmaster music)


- Join our cult.

Join our cult.

- Pardon?
- Join our... cult?

- Join your--


Oh a new cult.

- New cult.

- Do I have to dress like this?
- It's heavy.

- Pardon?
- It’s heavy.

(Audience laughter)

- No, no thank you.


- I can explain.

- It’s a very dramatic idea.

I felt you had a touch of the Baddiels.
You perhaps lost confidence in the concept.

- I didn’t lose confidence. It was the character,

that lost confidence.

It was that we were solemn,

because that’s how you behaved in the cult.

It was like a really old-fashioned misogynist cult.
We had to be demure.

- Why was it a new cult instead of an old cult?

- Oh that’s a great question.

Because I’d never met them before that day.
We had just formed as a group

on that day.

We were a new cult.

- Who’s next?

- Only one left and that is Rose Matafeo.

- Matafeo!


(Intriguing Taskmaster music)

- Stella!


- I genuinely didn’t see it and

I did find it genuinely quite scary.

- Simple. Effective. Elegant.

- What did you shout
when you dropped to your knees?

- "Stella!"

- Stella?

- "Stella", like Streetcar Named Desire.

- Streetcar.
- Ohhh.

- Which is also a drama.

- I have seen Streetcar Named Desire,
but I, um

didn’t remember the scene when
the woman was dressed as a bush.

- Do you want to start the bottom?

- Yes, I do,
David Baddiel.

Only because he lacked conviction.

- One point
to David Baddiel.

- One point... No, I’ll give him two. Let’s

You know, it was an incredible effort
up to that point.

- Don’t patronise me.

- Okay, One point.

In fourth place it’s Katy Wix.
I’m giving her three point, though.

'Cause I thought it was really good.

- So you’re changing the entire system...


- And then...

I’m giving four points,
making them joint second place,

- Oh, so it’s fine.
So Katy was in third in a way. Yeah, okay.


Joint second, four points each to:

- Jo Brand and Ed Gamble.

And I wasn’t expecting the bush woman,

it scared the shit out of me.

Rose Matafeo gets five points.

(Cheering and applause)

Shall we glance at the scores?

- They are all on double figures except for David.

Joint third and joint first.

We’ve got Ed and Rose in joint first place.
There we go.


- So, can you please stand up and head to the stage

for the final task of the show.

(Cheering and applause)

Who will read the task out?

- Today I would like Rose Matafeo to read the task out.

- Thank you.

"Draw the second longest snake.

"Your snake must be at least
half an inch wide at all points.

"Your snake must be neatly curled up again
after three minutes.

"There is a bonus point for the best snake."

- I’ll just take this back.

- Alex will go through it again for you.

- Can we convert the inches to centimetres
for the people from New Zealand?

- No.

- What?
- Most certainly not.

- You’ve got to draw the second longest snake
on your toilet paper.

- In the world?



No, it should say--

I should have said, draw the second longest snake
out of your five snakes.

- Oh, I see.

- You’ve got three minutes
but at the end of the three minutes,

it must be all curled up again,
like the toilet paper.

And there’s a bonus point for the best snake.

And it needs to be half an inch wide.

Okay, so your three minutes starts:

(Blows whistle)


- Oh, have I fucked this up?

- Is that--
That’s half an inch, isn’t it?

- Sure.

- I’m not sure that’s half an inch so I’m going to draw a thicker snake.

- Okay.

- Oh he’s a big boy.

- But is he a long boy?

- He’s a big long boy.

- This is it. Rose, keep an
eye out.

Very interesting.

He’s not hiding it, is he?

This is so excruciating,

I feel like I should do a dance or something.

(Laughter and cheering)

(inaudible) on your snake.

- I’ve finished me fucking snake.


- Roll up your snake.
- Roll up your snake.

- Roll up your snake.

- Five, four, three,

- I'll pop it in the pan.
- two, one.

(Blows whistle)

(Cheering and applause)

- Okay, let the snake measuring commence.

- Okay, Rose, please stand on the measuring spot

and put your loo roll between your thumbs like this.

Just the thumbs. Are you ready?

- Oh, there’s going to be a "whoa."

- [Audience] Whoooaaa


- Put that on the floor, please.

And with the tongue on the red line.

Yes, please.

So far that is the longest and shortest snake.

Katy, would you go to the measuring spot?

- I'd love to. Thank you.

- [Greg and Audience] Whooaaaa


- That is now the second longest snake.
- The second longest snake.


- Jo, would you mind going to that measuring spot? Thank you, Jo.

- Like that?
- Yes, please.

- [Greg and Audience] Whoooaaaaa

(Chanting) Snake! Snake! Snake!


- That’s the longest snake.

- Yes, no eyes and no end.


- It’s blind.

- A blind snake. OK.

Ed, would you go to the measuring spot?

- I would love to go to the measuring spot.

- You seem very confident, Ed.

- Mine is a one striped snake.
He’s a little vicar.

- Are you ready?
- I'm so ready.

- Oh, look at Ed’s snake.

- Whoa!

- Alex!

- It’s the second longest snake.


- Only David Baddiel’s.

- So, David Baddiel wants his snake
to get between Ed’s snake

and Jo’s snake.
OK. Here we go.

- Go for it.

[Everybody] Whoooaaaa

- Oh, yes!

- It’s the second longest snake.


- What a lovely five sweet points.

- Five points to David Baddiel,
a bonus point for the best snake.

- Well, I tell you how I’m going to judge this,
I'm a snake traditionalist.

And when I see a lovely snake,

I want to see
it with a pink/red tongue flicking out,

smelling the air.

- That is Rose Matafeo’s snake.


- Why don’t we all go downstairs and we'll add it up and see what that's done to the final score.

- Okay.


Would you like to know how that
has affected the scores?

- Oh. God, yes.

- Okay, well, a tight first episode.

There’s five points separating the five

And the winner with 17 points is:

Rose Matafeo!

- Rose wins the first episode of the series.

Please go and get all flustered
with your stressful things.


What have we learned today?

We’ve learned that natural scientists
will be thrilled to discover

that the dodo is actually alive and well.

It’s smeared in aubergine,
and it lives in David Baddiel’s pants.

And we learnt that Rose Matafeo has won episode one.

What a lovely thing that is.
See you next time.

Goodnight, my people!