Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 6 - Rock 'n' Roll Umlaut - full transcript

This week, the comedians are challenged with designing an album cover, scoring a goal, remembering the order of some very special playing cards and hiding in a phone-box.

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APPLAUSE

Hi, hello and welcome!

That's fine!

You're watching Taskmaster

and pretty soon you'll be watching
five funny folk

completing tasks for
the Taskmaster!

'But right now, you're watching the
Taskmaster introduce those five
funny folk!

Here they are! Please welcome Iain
Stirling!

Joe Thomas!

Lou Sanders!

Paul Sinha!



And Sian Gibson!

And, to my left, I'm going to
introduce him because I have to.

'But I ask you now not to applaud
him. Not this time. He doesn't
deserve it.

Just an eerie silence, alright?
Ready?

Ladies and gentlemen, little Alex
Horne.

A FEW GIGGLES

Thank you.

The banter section, driven by Alex.

'Well, as you know, I've been
inundated with questions from the
listeners.

A lot of the questions are about the
iPad. What does it do.

I operate the screen, I do the
scoring,

and recently I've downloaded a new
app.

A mirror app. So I use that quite a
bit as well, just to check on...

I've got a mirror app.



See your reflection? I know. I know
what you've done.

You've replaced your iPad for the
mirror? I've downloaded an app.

But I don't care!

OK. Let's get on with the prize
task, shall we, Alex?

'Fair enough. And today, you've all
brought in the best "see-through"
item.

Ooh! Ooh!

Quite right. Now, I know you love
your see-through items, Greg.

You've shown me all your see-through
clothes.

But which of our contestants' items
will you love the most today?

'There are five enviable points
available for the best see-through
item

and the "clear" winner of the show
will take home...

..all the items and be "visibly"...

pleased with themselves.

It's like you want me to attack you!

OK...

Joe Thomas. I do think I've upped my
game here.

'It's the classic see-through.
I don't know what's more see-through
than this.

I'd also say that it's a symbol of
industrial progress,

it's something that is a human right
if you're in a prison,

it is, of course, a window!
There you are.

I know you may think I may be a bit
literal in the interpretation of...

It's that when you're given the
opportunity to choose these prizes,

some people who work within...
I think I've switched off!

I've gone, as well. I've gone, so...

I don't mind a window. I think
that's your strongest effort so far.

Thanks. Jesus Christ!

OK. Lou? I brought you a book in.

She's brought in 50 Ways To See Thru
People. Yeah.

'There's a lot of snakes in the
industry, and I'm protecting you
from them.

'And I'm looking at that cover and
I'm saying that Vernon Howard
published that himself!

Just like 50 Ways To Leave Your
Lover.

Number 34. "Just carefully watch
everyone you meet.

'"You'll be amazed at how many masks
fall away exposing the faker
beneath."

He goes on... Just stop! Oh, my God.
He goes on,

"Just quietly remark to yourself,
'He is pretending to be sincere.

"'Or maybe he is pretending to be
confident, wise, helpful, friendly

'"'calm, respectful, generous,
sympathetic, kindly loyal, courteous
or heroic.'"

What form of human behaviour would
that guy not take aversion to?

'You can't be anything! He listed
every single positive adjective and
he's got a problem with all of them!

It's "See Thru People." What more do
you want?

It's the best see-through thing.
I think he's got a point.

Shut up!

No, YOU shut up!

Paul, what have you brought in?

It's not much better.

It can't be much worse! But it's
definitely see-through.

I've brought this. Oh, it is worse!

'The main thing is it's now out of my
flat. It's going to whoever wins
this episode and that won't be me!

Oh, I really hope you do.
No, you don't!

'I'd check whether you think if
a hula hoop is definitely
see-through.

Um... Cos I think, arguably...

I don't even care! Fair enough!

Sian?

Gin! Gin!

A bottle of gin.

'I mean, it's a famously depressive
drink, isn't it, gin? It's not.
Yeah. Not really.

You've not been out for a night with
me.

I'd love to come out and be
depressed with you.

'I think it would be depressing with
people asking us if we were a circus
act!

I mean, look. Look!

We're the modern-day Krankies!

Anyway, gin. Gin. Yeah, lovely.

You know, it's not awful.

Iain? It's a beer fridge.

You can see right into that and it
looks absolutely bloody delicious.

Is it see-through? You can certainly
see in.

You can open the door and see right
through it.

It's like none of you people want to
win!

I thought so. I thought you'd like a
beer fridge.

It is an appliance with a window,
definitely.

Other appliances with windows -

microwave, washing machine, fancy
cupboard, my shed and some shoes.

It's difficult, isn't it? It's
difficult to find the last place!

I don't know what's the worst.
I guess it's Paul.

Really? Yeah. Even though you can
see through it?

Oh, no it's not. You can't even see
through his!

You can't see through the pamphlet.

You just brought a fridge in, mate!

He brought a fucking window!

I'm going to give everybody, except
for Joe, one point. Right.

And I'm going to give Joe four
points. OK.

So Joe comes second in the task but
wins the task and gets four points.

We're off to a cracking start! Yes.

What's the first task proper?

It's phone box hiding fun first,
please. Yes, please! Here we go.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Lou. Ooh. Very nice.

Hello, Paul. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Joe.

"Completely conceal yourself inside
this phone box."

'"No part of you or your clothing may
be visible from outside the phone
box."

"Fastest wins."

"The time stops when you shout,
'I'm invisible!'"

"Your time starts...now!"

Where...

'It's an act of madness just to think
that we meant, "Don't leave the
phone box."

The rule was that no part of them or
their clothing

'could be visible from outside the
phone box. OK. Outside the phone
box.

Fine. Here we go!

SHE TAPS GLASS

OK. Oh! Oh!

I'm gonna just... I'll just climb up
into the roof.

I'll try and secrete myself in the
roof, OK?

SIAN: Can you see me?

Yes.

Oh.

Can I come out and get stuff?

All the information's on the task,
Joe.

Uh...

Hmm.

"Completely conceal yourself

"inside the phone box."

No?

"Completely conceal yourself."

I don't think I'm gonna fit in
there!

I don't think that's the answer.

"Completely conceal yourself

"inside the phone box."

This has not been a good day at the
office!

Can you shut the phone box for me?

Oh! Right.

SIAN: Stop!

You have to shout, "I'm invisible."
I'm invisible.

JOE: I'm invisible.

Here we go.

Yep. Good.

I'm invisible!

LOU: I'm invisible!

APPLAUSE

First things first.

I'd like to compliment you on your
use of the word "secrete"!

"I'm going to secrete myself

"in the top of a phone box."

So Sian just stuck herself in three
bin bags.

Yes, she transformed herself into
waste.

What I liked about yours, before
I see how effective it was,

is that you built a sofa den.

It was one of my favourite things to
do as a child.

But it was whether you could see
them or their clothing from outside.

Do you want to see whether we could
see Joe?

Am I supposed to not have a shadow?

The trouble is, bubble wrap is
see-through.

It's one of the troubles. One of the
troubles. Yeah.

I think you're being a bit harsh on
my effort.

I mean, I think the fact you could
see a sort of moving form...

You could also see you through a
crack.

'I don't know why any man would say
to another man, "I can see you
through a crack."

LAUGHTER

You can just see you... Yes, yes.

Well, look... He loves windows,
as well, so it's no surprise!

Yeah. They're the best things to see
someone through!

Yeah, well... What about the old
bin bag queen, then?

Yeah, we can see the litter, now.
Here she is.

It's either her or a fox!

But that's not clothing.

No, it was you or clothing,
I'm afraid. Oh.

Unfortunately, your hair is part of
you.

Arguably, they both failed.

As in, they both failed.

Harsh. Right.

Let's just get some adverts out the
way,

and then we can carry on with the
show. Go on! Bye-bye!

Hello, everybody!

'Welcome back. The break did me the
world of good. How was it for you,
little Alex Horne?

Well, I want you to know that I feel
sad when you shout at me,

but happy that it makes you feel
better. Hooray!

'Before the break, they were trying
to make themselves invisible within
a phone box.

Sian disguised herself as rubbish

and Joe, you bubble-wrapped.

Let's look at Lou concealing herself
in her brightly-coloured jumpsuit.

I'm invisible!

Yeah, we couldn't actually see her
or her clothing.

That's really good. Yeah.

So Lou was quite slow.

You could have listened to Come Away
With Me by Norah Jones,

And Turn On Me by Norah Jones
and Seven Years by Norah Jones.

'Eight minutes and 17 seconds.
That's... But you couldn't see her
or her clothing.

Do you wanna see if you could see
Iain?

I wanna see if I can see Iain.
OK. Here we go.

I'm invisible!

Oh, I've got cramp!

Ah, God!

I've lost all the feeling in my left
leg!

He did a lovely den. No-one can see
you. Tick? Yeah.

'Well, he built his sofa den in the
same length of time as Skyfall by
Adele.

Four minutes 46.

APPLAUSE

There is one more for you to see.
Oh, OK.

Singled out for a bit of fun. Here's
Paul Sinha.

What are you thinking, Paul?

Somehow I need to block the view of
the phone box.

But with what?

This could be tricky.

Am I allowed to use you lot as a
human wall to trap me in?

You can do whatever you want, Paul.
Right.

Just take one side of this...

Hold this together.

You need to take your jacket off.

Ten minutes gone, Paul.

It's not working, this, is it?

Somebody stand there.

With your back against... Ooh!

Careful, now.

Oh, you..!

You could stand here.

Right next to each other.

I think we have a result.

I'm invisible!
I've stopped the clock, Paul.

APPLAUSE

I know you had the windiest day of
all.

Alex did just point out to me

that you could have sellotaped the
paper INSIDE the phone box!

Oh, God! I hope the producers
of The Chase aren't watching this!

'He was quite slow? You could have
listened to half of Brothers In
Arms,

the classic Dire Straits album.

You'd be in the middle of Why Worry.
Got that.

22 minutes and 47 seconds.

But if he has completely concealed
himself,

he'll come in third place.
OK. Let's see. OK.

LAUGHTER

I just thought what a lovely, lonely
little boy!

I just want to scoop you into my
arms!

Aw! A very, very good description of
how I felt at that moment.

I can tell you that only two people
did it properly,

and that was Iain, who was the
quickest,

and then Lou who was second
quickest. OK.

'I think I need to draw a distinction
between the two who did it so
perfectly.

So I'm gonna give two points to the
other two and one point to Paul.

OK. One point to Paul Sinha!

So, four points to Lou? Four points
to Lou is fine by me.

OK. But Iain wins the task and five
points. Five points.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Right. Scoreboard, please, Alex.

I can tell you Iain and Joe both
share the lead with six points.

As you can see.

Do you have some more, please?

Yes, I have a team task and it's a
musical one

but there's no music involved.

TASKMASTER THEME TUNE PLAYS ON LP

RECORD STICKS

Alright?

Thank you. Hiya. Here it is.

Hello, Sian. Hello, Joe.
Hello. Alright?

Yeah? Where's the task?

'Design the most iconic album
cover.'

I like that. 'Best album cover,
album title and band name wins.

'Your album cover photo will be
taken in 30 minutes.

'Your time starts now.'

Great. This is right up our street!
OK. Lovely.

So we're all in the nuddy.
No. Absolutely not.

'Design the most iconic...'

It's hard, isn't it?

Yeah. I'm thinking face paints. I'm
thinking cowboy outfits.

I'm thinking half an hour, as well.

We've got half an hour. OK. Let's...
Face paints. Face paints.

Cowboys. Cowboy boots. If we do it
quickly.

DEEP VOICE: Satan, you are my best
buddy in the world.

If you win, you don't have to do the
challenge. You don't have to do it.

Do it.

Band name. It has to be something
with the three of our names.

Lou, Paul, Iain.

SSS. Stirling, Sanders and Sinha.

SSS! And we're snakes.

IAIN HISSES

A classic image, but sort of
subverted.

Like somebody serving dinner but
instead of food on the plate,

it's like...cockroaches or sort of,
I don't know.

The Lovely Boys.

The Handsome Gang.

Um... Yes, Please, We Like Music.

They're all... Oh! I could dress as
Cinderella. Yes.

I think we should leave. We need to
make a banner. Let's do that.

There was a lot of ideas flying
about there.

Look, let's not mess around. Mm-hm.
We saw some chaotic planning.

I'm keen to see the results. OK.
Classic album covers.

We're gonna see Lou Sanders and The
Lovely Boys, first of all.

And their album is called SSSex,
with three S's,

because of their surnames and this
is their album cover.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES

We thought that was gonna go down
very well.

It really didn't in the room,
though, did it?

But what's the theme? There's a nod
to Clockwork Orange

and then a lady in a pink jumpsuit,
right?

If you can't see what's going on
here, yeah? Yeah.

Then you don't like music.

'The red ball's the man. She's on the
man. OK.

'So it's a combination of the
nihilism and destruction of
Clockwork Orange

'combined with wanting to stick it to
the man using a pineapple.

'That's exactly what we were trying
to convey. OK.

SSSex. The album's called SSSex.

Yeah. Because sex sells!

That's our catchphrase. Sex Sells.

So you're challenging the man, but
you're also, like...

- Fucking the man!
- ..heavily corporate.

And what doesn't say sex like a
48-year-old Asian man in a crisis!

Wow. I thought we were gonna blow
you away with that.

Yeah. We've actually started a band
off the back of it.

OK. We've seen Lou Sanders and The
Lovely Boys.

Now for the others. This is Show
with It's Too Big.

Ahh. Ooh.

Ooh. Three umlauts for you to deal
with.

Let's crash straight in on the
umlauts.

The umlaut. That's a sort of
rock'n'roll umlaut.

Like you get in Motley Crue.

It's not grammatically correct.
It's just for decoration.

A rock'n'roll umlaut. A rock'n'roll
umlaut.

'It's Shoe, by the way. But you said
it was Sian and Joe, so pronounced
"Show". Yeah.

Is that what we said? Yeah.
Yeah, that's what I said.

It looks like a classic album cover
for an electronic band? Yes.

More sort of Kraftwerk. I think so.
Uh, tie, braces. '80s-ish.

It seems to me that one member is
dead.

It's a collaboration between the
dead and the living.

What are the roles of the two band
members? I don't sing cos I'm dead.

But you're wheeled onto stage. Yes.
Yeah.

Let's imagine this. The lights go
down.

Everyone starts clapping. Suddenly,
Sian's wheeled across the stage.

'The crowds are going wild.
"Oh, look, there's Sian!"
AUDIENCE: Woo!

"She's gone, now. And here comes the
light. Put it on Joe!"

It's probably like,
# Ha-oom get together oom oom! #

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I think that is more or less what it
would be.

I'm sorry for doing that.

I imagine after "oo-oom get
together"...

..that Sian's wheeled back across.

'Sorry, I don't want to push it, but
can we go back to "oo-oom get
together"

and then just hear Sian's haunting
chorus?

Lights go down... Blah-blah-blah.

Spotlight comes on Joe.
# Oo-oom get together oom oom

# Oom
# It's too big! #

OK. There's five points available to
be split between the two.

Lou and The Lovely Boys... Yes.
Two points. Oh!

OK. Two points each. Yeah.

Sian and Joe? Shoe. Shoe.
Four points each.

Yeah, cos there's five points
altogether. Four points.

Look sharp - here come the adverts!

Hello!

Come on in! Get yourselves warm or
cool yourselves down

'depending on what the weather's like
where you are. Yes. Hi, guys.
I hope it's not too wet.

It's time for a game of cards.

Memory cards. Ooh! Ooh.

That's a nice smile, Paul. Thank
you.

Playing cards?

Cards.

Magic. Is this one about magic?

OK.

'"In five minutes, you must return
this pack of cards to Alex in the
lab."

"And tell Alex the order that the
cards are currently in."

"You may not leave this room during
the five minutes.

"The most correctly-named cards
wins. Your time starts now."

Can I have a pen? What am I to
do with this?

Can I just write them down?

You could try. I've got no pen!

Has anyone got a pen?

Is there a pen?

A pen in the room?

I don't have anything to write with.

So, I mean...

This is ridiculous!

You can't just remember them!

Oh, here we go. Yes, yes, yes.

"Happy birthday." But...they're not
even real cards!

You can't write on the paper.

There must be a pen.

There must be a pen!

Right. So...

Greg. Alex.

OK.

This is... I see.

Don't panic. I can't remember it!

King of hearts, king of spades,
Yellow.

..three, four, five.

The most correctly-named cards wins.

One minute left. Shut up!

I think I'm gonna get all of them.

Sweet.

I've got it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Come to the lab and give me
the cards in there.

Absolute waste of my time, this.

You're gonna be shocked.

Thank you, Joe.

Iain, what order were the cards in?

The order? You just said name the
cards.

The main task was "name the order of
the cards." Yep.

So I'm looking forward to seeing
Iain getting all cross!

That'll be fun! We didn't see much
of Lou, there,

and we'll explain all later on.

'But all they had to do was remember
the standard pack of Taskmaster
cards in order.

First to see remembering are Iain
and Si-an. Sian. Here we go.

Ace of clubs.

Eight of clubs.

Five of clubs.

Two of clubs.

No. Jack of clubs.

Yellow.

Ace of hearts.

Two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten, Jack.

Happy birthday.

Is it ace of diamonds?

Two of diamonds.

Three of diamonds.

The diamond king.

Heart king.

Then there was two 15 of diamonds.

15 of diamonds.

Really? Yes, 15 of diamonds.

15 of diamonds. Big one.

15 of diamonds. Three 15 of
diamonds. OK.

And then there was a card.

Do you want to describe the card?

No.

Two of diamonds, two of diamonds,

two of diamonds.

Then there was a picture of a
scumbag.

Taskmaster? It was you! Oh, well.

Then there was 12 two of diamonds.

And then there was you, then Greg.

APPLAUSE

You seemed to get quite cross, Iain.

He had the pen the whole time. Yes.

At one point, Iain called me a
"sarky sister"!

I was not happy! Why were you so
cross with Alex?

I wanted a goddamn pen, Greg! Yeah.

And he had the pen. He got it out of
his pocket.

You got a pen out when we were in
there!

Don't do that!

Look at you!

Look, you fucking did! You did!

You went into your pocket and got a
pen and then sort of go...

I don't think I had a pen. I did
have an iPad with the camera on.

Oh.

Look!

'We could have asked for that. And
there were lots of other cameras in
the room.

We could have used your iPad?

'Yeah, it's got a camera on. You
could have... That's why you're
a sarky sister!

I'm not a sarky sister!

You are a sarky sister. Thank you(!)
Thank you, Greg.

'And a naughty little scumbag.
You looked like you had a pretty
good system, to me.

I got a few wrong. Yeah.

But I'm pretty confident about that.
What was your system?

Memory.

I think Sian did well. Sian did do
well.

Sian made just 13 mistakes.
Iain made 25 mistakes.

Ooh. Out of 49. So, not bad!

I should say the order of them. It
wasn't that hard.

First up, all the clubs in
alphabetical order.

Ace, eight, five, four, jack,
et cetera.

'Then the other three kings, and a
yellow card, all the hearts in
order,

happy birthday, two 15's, 15 two's,

'then me, then you. So it's not
hard. Pretty straightforward. Piece
of piss.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

No, no, no. Please, let's not
applaud him for reading!

Now for Joe and Paul.

One learns scripts for his job, the
other learns facts.

This is Alex Horne bringing you the
detail. Here's how they did.

Ace of clubs.

Jack of clubs.

The ace of clubs.

The eight of clubs.

The five of clubs.

Uh, the four of clubs.

Uh, the jack of clubs.

The king of clubs.

Uh...

Seven of clubs.

Six of clubs.

Ten of clubs.

Three of clubs.

Two of clubs.

King of diamonds.

King of hearts.

King of spades.

Yellow.

The queen of clubs.

The seven of clubs.

The one of clubs... The six of
clubs.

The three of clubs and the two of
clubs.

'The ace of hearts, two of hearts,
three of hearts, four of hearts,
five of hearts...

'Six of hearts, seven of hearts,
eight of hearts, nine of hearts, ten
of hearts.

And the...jack of hearts?

Queen of hearts.

Happy birthday.

Then there are fift...

Then... Ah. Then there are fift...

No, then there's 15 two of diamonds
in a row.

And then there's a picture of Greg
and a picture of Al.

I can't remember what order. Alex.
Alex. Sorry.

Two of diamonds, two of diamonds,
two of diamonds.

How many two of diamonds? 15.

Alex.

Yes?

That was the next card!

Greg.

And I believe that was the complete
set.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Are you slightly annoyed? You just
made one mistake. The second card.

I'm really, really upset!

'I'm an absolute dick-head at every
other task. That one should be in my
territory.

How many mistakes did Joe make?
Young Joe made seven mistakes.

'Still pretty impressive. Paul,
you told me afterwards how you
remembered them. Do you remember?

Somebody asking a German...

Because they weren't in order...
Yeah.

Jack, king, nine, queen. Right.

I made a story about flirting with a
German man, saying, "Jacking?"

And him going, "Nein, queen!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, that works as a lovely little
narrative, for sure!

So far, Paul in the lead, then Joe,
then Sian and Iain.

'But we haven't seen Lou, yet.
We haven't seen Lou.
Here we go. Here's Lou.

Can you just read it to me while I'm
doing something? Please!

In five minutes you must return this
pack of cards to Alex

and tell Alex the order that the
cards are currently in.

So that's the order that they were
in when you opened the, um...

'Yeah, so, currently... Now is
currently. Currently now is
currently.

'No, but when you read it, it was...
Currently. Yeah, but now is
currently.

Now is currently, yes?

OK. Imagine... Can we just start
again? Cos that's not fair.

Do you have a pen, please?

Really quickly. I don't have a pen.

Come onna!

Come onna!

Oh, Lou... I'm not allowed to move.

No. Just take all the information
from there.

Do you know, sometimes you come
across really arrogant!

Oh, no!

I'm not allowed to leave the room!
Oh, you just did.

Flippin' hell, you didn't tell me!

APPLAUSE

'She did carry on. She wrote down 18
cards and even then, she made 12
mistakes.

If it's any consolation, I really
enjoyed your "Come onna!"

It's a question of one or zero
points for Lou.

I mean, it's no points. Even I can't
find a point in that for you, Lou.

OK? I'm sorry.

Zero to Lou, two to Iain,
three to Sian

four to Joe, but five points to
Mr Paul Sinha! Yes, that was good.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

You'd better give me another task,
right now! Sure.

And we're ending with sport and
celebrations.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Joe.

Hello, Iain. You alright? How are
you? I'm good, thank you.

Good morning, everyone! And what a
glorious morning it is!

Ooh!

Oh. "Score a goal from the furthest
distance.

"You may take only one shot."

Have you heard how good I am at
football? Are you good at football?

No. "If you don't score a goal,
you're disqualified."

"You must perform a terrific goal
celebration

"whether or not you score your
goal."

"There might be a bonus point for
best goal celebration."

"You have five minutes. Your time
starts now."

OK.

I might just take my jacket off,
here. OK.

JOE: Realistically, I'm already
gonna miss from there.

'So I might be better doing it not
from a long way, and just getting it
in.

Come on.

Let's go from about here. Cos I want
to just give myself a challenge.

I'm gonna go there, cos I'm not
gonna go mad.

Good luck, Paul.

Ooh! Ho-ho! Exciting, isn't it?

'Very exciting. Do you want to know
how far away they placed their
balls?

'Yes, please. OK. Sian, as you saw,
wanted to just score a goal from any
distance.

'9.8 metres. Joe, 11.5 metres and
quite an acute angle, for no reason
at all!

Lou, 14.6 metres. Paul, the furthest
away, 17.2 metres.

'And he "tested the terrain" - his
phrase - for four and a half minutes
before placing theball.

He tested the terrain. But what
about Iain Stirling?

This is what he did.

Where do you want it? Over here.
Back where you were.

OK. Then we can roll it.

Push more on your side. Can you go
this way?

I'm trying to push it!

Good thinking by Iain. Not breaking
any rules.

Score a goal from the furthest...
Score a goal.

How many metres away did he go?
34 metres.

Phew-ee! Double anyone else.

We're gonna see Iain's attempt
later.

The first person we're gonna see is
Sian Gibson.

Ready?

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Is that in? Yes, that's in(!)

SHE SQUEALS

SQUEAL CONTINUES

I'm out of breath!

Thank you, Sian. Get in!

APPLAUSE

Great. Yeah. A genuine celebration

'because you didn't think for a
second you were gonna score, did
you?

It was a goal. It was in. It was in.

Every in's a goal!

As they say in the football
fraternity(!)

Every in's a goal! Every one.

'Time for a quick break. Maybe, like
me, you have no interest in
football.

But then, also like me, you still
want to come back

because somebody's going to win Joe
Thomas's window!

'Hello, again! Welcome back to
Taskmaster again and here's Alex
again!

That's a lot of agains, Greg!

'Before the break, the contestants
were playing your favourite sport,
football.

The person that scores a goal from
the furthest distance wins.

Sian scored a brilliant goal from
fairly close range.

Next up are Lou, Paul and Joe.

'And don't forget, there might be a
bonus point for the best goal
celebration,

whether they score or not.

JOE: I'm not hopeful, here.

I am gonna miss this, I think.

I'm playing to win. Course you are.

OK.

Aghh!

Ahh! Ahh!

Ohh!

No!

Hooray! I'm a loser!

I think I can do a proper flip, but
I can't.

OK.

Thank you, Paul.

Have you finished, Joe?

Yeah.

I don't feel good about myself at
all.

Oh, dear!

During your celebration, Alex and I
looked at each other

and the look was, "What are we gonna
do with her?"

In a nice way?

There were no goals, there, but
there were some celebrations.

A lovely celebration, when you think
about it.

Lou, you looked like you were losing
your mind!

'I mean, I really liked Joe's initial
crushed reaction. It was like,
"Yuhhh."

But then, man, there was a lot in
that celebration.

I don't think it was... I'm supposed
to say...

Well, no. Well...

That was stupid decision-making.

You did say at the time, "That was
neither impressive nor easy."

Not a lot to say about Paul. I mean,
I think that his celebration,

'he was channelling the thought,
"I wish we could go back to the
remembering the cards thing."

'I'd forgotten the bit where you had
to do a celebration if you didn't
score, as well.

I'd just totally forgotten that bit.

There was something nice in the
sarcasm of his celebration.

Not enough footballers celebrate
sarcastically! Yeah.

So, here we are. It's the crucial
moment.

It's striker Iain Stirling and his
massive goal.

The distance, 34 metres.

Good luck! Thanks. Shake my hand.

Come on!

Aghh! Aghh!

Aghh! Aghh!

Aghh! Aghh!

Everyone get in!

# I just scored a go-al!

# I just scored a go-al!

# I just scored a go-al! #

Yeah. Yeah, everyone go, "Yeah!"

Yeah! Yeah!

There was nothing you could do to
inspire that conga line!

Your spirits were so broken!

At one point, Alex whispered,
"You don't have to do this."

Mummy won. I'm afraid you won.

Mummy did win. Five points to Sian.
Five points to Sian.

'I don't think I'm gonna give anyone
a bonus point for their
celebration.

Joe was the closest. I liked it when
he was shaking his goal!

'No, I'm not giving anyone a bonus
point. Still five points... Sian,
five points. Baf!

'OK, everyone, make your way to the
stage for the final task of the
show!

Who's gonna read the task out? Paul
Sinha. Ah!

'"Standing behind the first line,
roll your loo roll beyond the second
line.

"If your loo roll fails to cross the
second line

"or falls from the runway, you are
eliminated from the task."

Yes, so this is the first part of
the task.

So, standing behind the first line,
you've got to roll your toilet roll

beyond the second line, but not off
the runway.

The person in the lead will roll
first.

It's Sian Gibson. What?! Woo!

Do you understand the rules?
I'll have a go.

CHEERING

Lovely bit of rolling.

Next to roll is Joe.

That's lovely. Oh, that's lovely,
Joe.

That was a bit... Is there a bit of
a slope on there?

Same for everyone, Joe. Please sit
on the elimination bench. Oh, man!

SIAN: It is a lot harder than it
looks.

Ooh! Ooh, nice.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

That is unbelievable!

Next to roll, Paul Sinha. Good old
Paul Sinha. Go on, Paul.

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Paul, please sit on the elimination
bench.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I'm very nervous, actually, weirdly.

IAIN: Give it some welly and hope it
doesn't go off the edge.

Yes! Yes, it is beyond the line.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

'OK. I now need the remaining players
to take off their right shoe or
boot.

Thank you.

Are you making this task up as you
go along, Alex?

That looks beautiful!

IAIN: This looks sort of like an
Andy Warhol exhibition!

Are you ready for the second part of
the task? Yes.

"Retrieve your shoe..." Wait!

"You may not cross the line in front
of you.

"If your shoe falls off your loo
roll,

"or your loo roll breaks,

"you are eliminated from the task."

There is only one winner. Winner
takes five points. Wow!

Do be gentle. Here we go. Good luck!

Your time starts... (WHISTLE)

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's all over! There we go!

There we go.

She made it look incredibly easy.
OK.

'Well, in that case, we'll work out
what that's done to the final
scores.

Come down here and join me.

That was exciting. One winner of the
task.

And she has won half of the studio
tasks.

That's Lou Sanders. Five points to
Lou Sanders. Thank you.

And that does mean she is winning
the series by 12 points, now.

She's on 107. Sian on 95.

Iain and Joe both on 91, so it's
still close,

and then Paul, 74.

So there's four episodes left.
Statistically possible.

For Paul to win? Unlikely, but it is
possible!

Shall we see who's won this episode,
if that's possible?

So, Lou won the five points, but it
was not enough

to catch this week's winner,
Sian Gibson, with 15 points!

Sian Gibson is victorious!

Please go and treasure your
transparent tit-bits!

Lovely. So, what have we learnt
today?

We've learnt that the path to true
love is difficult.

But if you're feeling strong enough,

there's always the chance that you
can...

# Oom get it together Oom!

# Get it together Oom! Oom!

# Get it together

# It's too big! #

But let's not...

But let's not forget the successes
of a certain Sian Gibson.

Sian, we salute you. See you next
time

for number seven. Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media