Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 8, Episode 1 - Hello - full transcript

The Taskmaster challenges a new set of comedians to compete for his golden head.

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Ooh!
KLAXON SOUNDS

No!

Ugh! Agh! Agh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Hello, hello, hello, everyone,
and an almighty welcome to the eighth
manifestation of Taskmaster.

There are five fresh, funny foes
waiting over there,

vying to vanquish
and take home my titillating tete!

So, please, give them
a scalding-hot welcome.

Iain Stirling!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe Thomas!
CHEERING

Lou Sanders!
CHEERING



Paul Sinha!
CHEERING

And Sian Gibson!
CHEERING

And here beside me, he's back,
he's no bigger than before

and I still find him
utterly repugnant,

it's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

So, I'm feeling good at the moment
because I've got a new sock system.

'Quite often at the end of the day,
we find that one of my socks
has gone missing, don't we? Wedo.

So, I've adopted the mitten system.

'I've got fishing wire
which goes up from one sock
all the way round to the other.

You've got a wire
at the back of your neck, have you?

Come on then, pull it up.

LAUGHTER

Are you ready?



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, we can start the old
Taskmaster motor and get going.

You bet, boss.
I love working for you.

It's time for Series Eight's
very first prize task

and for this, we've asked them each
to bring in the most powerful smell.

Hmm, yes, smell, widely renowned
for working well on television(!)

'Greg will judge which he thinks
is the most powerful smell and give
a massive five points to its owner.

'At the end of the episode,
one lucky winner will take home
oodles of odours.

'It's a powerful smell you've brought
in. It's something, if you've used
your brains, that will appeal to me.

Iain Stirling, welcome to the show.

'What smell have you brought in?
I didn't realise
you had to enjoy it.

It just had to be powerful.
Yeah, so I farted in a jar.

LAUGHTER
It's true.

There it is.

'What had you been eating? There's
a Greggs on the end of my street and
a McDonald's not far from it. Yeah.

And the other day, I was hungover

and got a Greggs sausage roll
on the way to the McDonald's.

'Wow! I've taken a sample from
the fart in a jar, so you can smell
the powerful smell if you want.

I think we all know
how this is gonna end, don't we?

How did you get it from the big jar
into the...? Funnels.

OK.
LAUGHTER

It's unbelievable. Oh, my God!

APPLAUSE
Powerful, powerful.

Powerful.

I was horrified by the fart in
the jar, but Alex's face redeemed it,

so I think you're in the running.
Congratulations.

Joe? I do think
this is quite a contender.

It's when you take the little stalk
off a tomato

and inside the bit where it's been,

there's a slightly heady,
green smell.

A heady, green smell. A heady,
green smell. A heady, green smell.

What's powerful about it?
The other one was a fart.

You saw his face. It ruined his life.

And I don't mind whiffing some
myself.

Quick.
Yeah, it smells like a tomato.

It's good that we've got last place.
Lou? The pressure is off.

Great. I brought in
Greg Davies All Over Your Neck.

LAUGHTER

And it's, um... Wow, I mean, that...

It's cologne of your lovely scent
which I did compliment you...

You said to me. The first time
I met her, what did I say?

'"Greg Davies smells amazing."
Oh, I'm making you win now, but
she did say that. I did say that.

She's played you. I know.
LAUGHTER

'It's incredible. She set that up.
Of course she did.
I got it made in a special shop.

I said, "Are there any flowers
that are named Greg or David?"

And they said, "There's one called
St David," so they popped that in.

'It genuinely does smell nice
and I like the back story. Yeah.
What a lovely perfume! Hi, Paul.

Hello, Greg.
What's your powerful smell?

'I've gone for cider vinegar.
You might be wondering why I've got
cider vinegar. It's here.

'I was advised to take it
for weight loss by Jimmy Shoulders,
a doorman at a bar in Liverpool.

Jimmy S. Oh, what happened to him?

He's dead now. And, um...
LAUGHTER

'I did lose weight for a while
because I was sick every single day
because that's how toxic it is.

Fuck off!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'Hello, Sian. Hi. Welcome. Thank you.
What powerful smell have you brought
in? I've got some perm lotion.

Come on. Yeah. It'll burn your
eyeballs off, that stuff. Have a go.

'It's mainly ammonia.

'Are you looking for powerful nice

'or powerful...? Just powerful.
That doesn't answer the question.

LAUGHTER

Are you OK? Yeah.

'It's interesting cos the vinegar's
in my throat, but that's gone
directly to my nose.

'Has anyone in here got a perm?
My mum wouldn't let me.
When I was 13, not now.

'No, I wasn't allowed a perm,
but I've got three sisters
and a mum, obviously.

Living in a household
with three sisters and a mum

when we had a mobile hairdresser,
imagine four lots of that!

'You were all getting permed up
at the time? Yeah.
Four sluts, that's what I'm hearing!

LAUGHTER

OK, are you ready to judge them?
Yeah. I'm sorry...

Yeah, all right, I mean...
LAUGHTER

One point for tomato boy, obviously.

'One point to Joe.
I've got to go by powerful reaction
and I didn't smell his fart,

so I'll have to take that from you.

I'm gonna give him two points.
You didn't smell it.

Exactly. It's so unfair,
the whole game.

Two points to Iain. Fair enough.

There's not much
between vinegar and perm, is there?

No, I don't think so. That's what
they say. Three points to them.

The smell was powerful,
but I wasn't excited by the concept.

LAUGHTER

Whereas Lou jumps ahead
to five points

'because "A",
it was a beautiful smell, and "B",
it flattered my fragile ego.

Five points to Lou Sanders.
APPLAUSE

Little Alex Horne,
what tasks do we have lined up next?

Well, we're gonna begin quite
rightly with some parental guidance.

SQUAWKING

HE LAUGHS

Hello.

Before you open that, I'll place
this on your head. Of course.

Too tight? It's all right.
It's quite loose now, actually.

What is it?

Oh, I'm scared.
It's rocking my head.

"Find the receiver
of this baby monitor.

"You must leave your hat on.

"The fastest wins.

"Your time starts now."

Where are you?

If I shout into that...
Your mummy and daddy will hear it.

Mummy and Daddy will hear.
Where's Mummy and Daddy?

'You're the baby. You're trying to
find... OK. What's the camera for?
We're going to show this on the TV.

LAUGHTER

So, I'm the baby.
Whoo! Whoo!

"You must leave your hat on." Oh...

Hello.

'Hello.'

APPLAUSE

What was your thinking
or do you get up late generally?

I'm known for looking like a twat
on The Chase.

I don't think you look like a twat.
Yes, he does. Oh.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'Alex, who are we gonna see first?
Sian, Iain and Joe, a mother and
two sons. Here's how they got on.

'So, it's on, right, yes?

'Hello?'

Hello?

Hello, hello?

Hello? Hello?

Whoo!

Whoo!

Aaah... Aaaaah!

Aaah! Found it?

Not yet.

Aaaah...

'Meow, meow!' Meow!

Meow, meow!

What's your tactic here, Sian?
Just looking. Just looking.

Meow, meow.

Hello, hello? Hello. Hello.

Aaah, aaah.

Aaah, aaah.

'Aaaah...
VOICE ECHOES
I can hear it.

'Hello?
VOICE ECHOES
Oh, hello!

'Hello? Hello?'

Oh!

Whoo, whoo.

Hello!

WHISTLES
Yes.

Hello? Hello?

'That was well done in the end,
in a way. I knew you'd put it
somewhere you wouldn't put a baby.

Hmm... Cos I wouldn't put a baby
in a postbox.

APPLAUSE

'That's very reassuring
that you wouldn't put a baby
in a postbox. They're too big.

'Joe, the noise was... "Aaaah!"
That's just the noise I was making
during all the tasks.

LAUGHTER
Aaah...

Aaah!

'I judged you, Iain, before we did
the show and I thought you'd be
over-excitable and not logical,

'but you're the only one
who thought to take the thing off.
You confounded my prejudice.

'I look like a person
that wouldn't take a baby monitor
off a piece of string?

Yeah, there was logic there. That's
why I was surprised. And it worked.

'Iain got the other end of the baby
monitor in just over one minute -
two minutes, 59.

LAUGHTER
So close, so close.

3:40 to Sian. Very disappointing.

'Joe, you'll be surprised to hear -
four minutes, 43.
Exactly what you thought.

'No, because I imagine he was frozen
at one point, just wondering
what the point of everything was?

Aaah...

Aaah! Aaaah!

Aaah!

'Let's just take things slowly.
We've had fun, but I want a break
from you now. Goodbye!

Hello, friends. Hello, enemies.
You're all so welcome.

'Before the break, the humiliation
had begun with our contestants
romping around and yelling

with baby monitors strapped
to their heads. Can we see some more?

Yes, we now know where it's hidden,

'but will, and if so, how, and if so,
when will our next player,
which is Lou Sanders, find it?

Oh, you genuinely irritate me.

'So, what I'm gonna do is play
some music into this, then go
and find where it's coming out from.

Pretty smart if you ask me.

MUSIC PLAYS
Extra points for the theme tune.

I'm going in.

Alex, can I ask you
to go by the gate,

just because if it's hidden
near here, then I'm screwed?

MUSIC STILL PLAYING

I think I can hear it,
but it's just from Alex.

There's a lot of noise, so can you
hide in the phone box? Yes.

MUSIC PLAYING

I can hear it.

Yes!

I've got it!
APPLAUSE

Great system and... Looked lovely.

Of course, throughout.
Just take that as given.

'It was a pretty impressive system.
The system was very creative,
but it didn't work.

LAUGHTER
It took too long.

In the time she took,
you could do any activity.

'You could do eating, cleaning,
exercise, breaking up with a partner
or the recycling.

She took nine minutes, 57.

That's a long time. But it's not
over yet. Step up, one Paul Sinha!

So, I'm wondering if it's outside.

Hello?

Hello?

SQUAWKING
Hello?

'Hello?'

'I heard something a little bit
earlier when I was standing here.
Did you? Hello!

'Will the birds please shut up?'

'Hello! Hello!
SQUAWKING
Hello!

I'm gonna go in here
for the sake of it.

Hello!

Hello!

Hello! Hello!

Hello. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

I'm running out of ideas. Hello!

I suppose I ought to check
it's not on you.

Hello! I'm picking up not a hint.

Not even a hint, yet when I walked
out the door, I picked up a hint.

Hello-o-o-o!

Hello, hello, hello, hello, hello.

Hello!

Hello. Hello. Found it?

Take a wild guess, Mr Horne.

Hello-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!

HIGH VOICE:
Hello!

Hello?

I hate you.

APPLAUSE

A very popular response
for some reason.

To reassure everybody, I'm never,
ever going to be a parent.

I was being paid by Lionel Richie
to promote his greatest hits.

64 hellos.

'What I like,
I wrote down a quote from you towards
the end of you shouting "hello",

followed by a brief hiatus in the
caravan when you were totally silent,

'then you came out and started
shouting "hello" again, then
you said, "I'm all out of ideas."

Give me the time for the "hello" man.

Two minutes, 59 to beat...
27 minutes, 37 seconds.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow!

One point for Paul. Yeah, of course.

He barely deserves that.

'Then it goes up - two to Lou,
three to Joe, four to Sian,
but Iain gets the first five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next, please. Just like you,
this one is creative,

'a little bit flirty
and requires a lot of assistance
to do its job properly. Here we go.

Party time.
Taskmaster Brew, Taskmaster Brew.

Ha, ha... "Make the best
ventriloquist's dummy.

"And be chatted up by it..."

A walk in the park for me,
another day at work!

"The most seductive
ventriloquist's dummy wins.

'"You have 30 minutes
and your scene must last
no longer than 30 seconds.

"Your time starts now." This is
the famous saying, "Bottle of beer,"

which is the hardest thing
for a ventriloquist's dummy to say.

Puppets, sexy, that's me.

Um... God!

Hello.

I need to pop you down here.
Can you take your jacket off?

'It's really just...
It's just put your hat on a baby.
This is not a hat either.

Pull it down, look.
Have fun with it. Hello!

Hello. Hello.

Oh, I'm sorry.

It's honestly like Blair Witch.

Shit! Oh, man!

Oh, no.
I feel like I'm on Blue Peter.

Fuck! I'm ready when you are.

APPLAUSE

Iain said,
"Puppets, sexy, that's me."

'I used to present
on children's television
with a puppet called Hacker the Dog.

Oh! His name's Phil Fletcher.

'OK. He's a professional puppet
builder, so we used to get drunk
and make puppets together.

OK, puppets... Sexy. Sexy.
That's me. That's me.

Good.
LAUGHTER

Joe was the only person
to suss out the "gottle of..."

"Bottle of beer," yeah, that's hard
to say if you're a puppet.

Yeah.

OK, well, first up, a man who
ultimately is here to prove himself

and to proudly demonstrate his full
range of skills, Joe Thomas.

Hello.

MUMBLED:
"Hello."

"Do you like reading?"

Um...yeah, I do.

"Can I ask a strange question?"
What?

"Can I ask a strange question?"

Yeah, OK.

"I... I've got something stuck
in my teeth."

Have you got something stuck
in your teeth?

Let me, um...
Let me just have a little look.

I can't, um...

"Aagh!" What? Push a bit harder?

"Aaagh!"

All right.

Hold on.

POP

Is that what you wanted?

What?

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I thought it was metal.

APPLAUSE

So, you've drawn your lover in,
you've said, "Do you like reading?"

'You've done
the classic "get them to lean in,
so they can look at your teeth".

'As far as I can work out,
at that point,
you stabbed your lover in the face.

Yeah. And then, with a look
of absolute confusion on your face,

you asked your now dead lover
if that's what he wanted.

I thought... I mean,
I just needed an out, really.

I know what your out was. It was
to ask him if that's what he wanted.

"Is that what you wanted?"

The end.

'Do you want to see another one?
Yes, please.
We'll see Asian Gibson attempt...

Sorry, a Sian Gibson attempt...
LAUGHTER

A Sian Gibson attempt.

"Hello, beautiful lady."

Hello.

"What is your name?"

My name is Sian.

"Oh, I like you very much.
Would you like some flowers?"

For me? Thank you.

"You are very beautiful.
You make my tongue swell as well."

Wow! Thank you.

"Can I kiss you?"

Yeah, you can kiss me.

That was seductive, wasn't it? Yeah.

APPLAUSE

I can only apologise.

'You don't need to apologise to me.
I'm delighted to have my image used
in such a way.

Where you lost me was...
I think I wrote it down here.

"You're very beautiful.
You've made my tongue swell."

LAUGHTER

Does that not happen to you
right now?

'No. Tongues can swell, but
it's normally due to malnutrition
or exposure to chemicals.

'OK, let's all take a minute
to sit back, close our eyes, relax
and ignore some adverts.

See you soon.
APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to the third
instalment in tonight's show.

Remind us what was happening
before the break.

Joe had a very sad time flirting
with his now deceased dummy

'and Sian was chatted up by a 2D Greg
until its tongue burst.
Next up, we have Iain Stirling.

Jimmy, I can't believe
you painted my caravan.

"Iain, I love you so much,
I decided to paint it all."

But why do you love me?

"I love your eyes and your mind

"and your general being."

Oh, Jimmy, I don't know what to say.

"Say nothing. Just kiss me."

OK.

SLURPING SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

The key word in this task
is "seductive", I think.

'He painted my caravan.
I don't know why you were seduced
that a man with a foot for a nose

painted your caravan
and that seduced you.

That was sexy. He'd done a nice
task. I said, "Why did you do it?"

He said, "Because I think
you're a lovely guy."

'Maybe it's just me. When I get
seduced, I want to either be killed
or have my tongue explode.

'Come on, you can't, you can't say...
because that is literally
the one task that I was like...

It was a great puppet, mate, but
the task was for it to be seductive.

It was to build a vent puppet.
None of those are vent puppets.

Vent puppets are operated
with an up-and-down pulley system.

The first sentence is,
"Make a vent puppet."

Didn't make one, didn't make one,
no points. Vent puppet!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
No points. No points?

AUDIENCE NOISE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

'It's interesting, isn't it? I wasn't
at all seduced by Iain's puppet,
but now I have a full erection.

'LAUGHTER
I've written a little joke
into the next one. OK.

'What do you get if you cross a man
from The Chase with a man who
operates dummies? Don't press...

Well, hello. 'Hello, handsome.'

Who might you be?

'I'm your biggest fan - Ham.'

Oh, good pun.
What's the capital of Burundi?

'Trick question.
It used to be Bujumbura,

'but in 2018,
it changed its name to Gitega.'

Oh, my God, you're amazing. Do you
have any other claims to fame?

'I helped bring down David Cameron
and Ed Miliband, allegedly.'

Oh, my God, that was you,
celebrity pig himself?

You will absolutely do.

You won't need your trousers
where we're going.

APPLAUSE

Right,
I enjoyed your voice technique.

'Yeah. Phone. I think it's a great
ventriloquist's puppet. It's great.
Great ventriloquist's puppet.

'Mr Puppetry Pedant over here
is about to explode with fury,
so just say what you have to say.

'He needs to be quiet...
It's not a puppet, is it? It's not
a puppet, it's not a puppet!

It's a bank with a speaker
in its head!

Let's dig into the seduction
of your puppet.

He's a celebrity pig
and I'm a sucker for celebrity.

Simple. What, what... That's, that's,
that's OK? That's allowed, is it?

What a seductive notion!
LAUGHTER

Can we see Lou's now? Yes, of course.

A "ventrilo-quiz" was the answer
to the joke, but...

LAUGHTER

Finally, we have Lou
and her very un-little,

six foot two, above average height
mannequin. Here we go.

OK, here we go. One, two, three, go.

"I'm a great listener

"and I play the guitar,
but I wait to be asked.

"I love talking about my emotions

"and giving foot massages
and respecting women.

"Oh, yeah.

"Do you like bananas?"

Wink to camera.

APPLAUSE

Lou, what I wrote down and I want
to ask you about straight away is...

"I play guitar,
but I wait to be asked."

LAUGHTER
Polite.

Yeah. He respects women.
He made that clear. Yeah.

Seductive.
He's got a lot of potassium.

LAUGHTER
Is that good?

I think it's good for making babies.
Tick.

And then, um...
just eating a big old banana?

Yeah, very much so.

Do you want to score them? I do.
OK, this will be fun.

I tell you what I'm gonna do... OK.

'I'm gonna give Sian
and her yogurt-tongued sex puppet
four points.

Oh, yes! I'm gonna give Lou
four points also.

I found it quite seductive.
OK, four to Lou, four to Sian.

Yeah, I'm gonna give Paul... Paul...
..four points. Four points. Oh!

LAUGHTER

I'll tell you why. Regardless
of the history of puppetry...

We're disregarding
all of the history of puppetry?

I consider something
that looks vaguely human,

'that sexy little ham chatting away,
using the clever phone technique,
to be absolutely excellent.

Clever phone technique? One person
I'm going to give one point to.

We've got Iain and Joe. One person
I'm going to give five points to. OK.

'The person I'm giving five points to,
the puppet was functional, there was
a real truth to the affection

'between them and I thought it was
a very sweet and innocent thing
to be turned on by,

so I am actually going to give Iain
five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. Five points to Iain.

CHEERING GETS LOUDER

And I'm only giving Joe one point
because he murdered his partner.

LAUGHTER
What else is lined up, Alex?

We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it

and, oh, look, we've come to it!

HORN BLOWS

This is exciting.

"Alex is on that bridge in the
distance with lights on his head."

'Which bridge?

Oh, that's...

'Yeah, he's waving. Great.
"Get as close as you can to Alex
without him noticing you.

"Alex will duck down behind the wall
for ten seconds.

"Then pop up for ten seconds.

"Then back down for ten seconds.

"And so on until he notices you.

'"The task starts when Alex
first ducks down behind the wall

"in one minute from now."
HE LAUGHS

This is absolutely mad.

KLAXON SOUNDS

APPLAUSE

Did you enjoy this one? Yes. Yeah.

'We'll start with the two people
who didn't answer that question.
Let's find out. You will see why.

Sian-ha and Sin-ha.

This is ridiculous.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Oh! One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven,

eight, nine, ten.

KLAXON SOUNDS
She's gone.

He can't see me, he can't see me.

I don't know which way to go.

KLAXON SOUNDS
Down.

KLAXON SOUNDS
He should be up now.

No sign.
I've lost the cycle of up and down.

I seem to have got myself
into a bit of bother here.

KLAXON SOUNDS
He should be up now.

KLAXON SOUNDS
Down, he's down, he's down.

'He's up, he's up. Can he see me?
I can see a light.
He should be up now.

'KLAXON SOUNDS
I don't know if he's up or down now.
I've lost track.

I don't know if he's up or down.

Oh... Oh, dear, I've seen her.

I think he's down,
I think he's down.

Sian Gibson, I saw you running
in front of the main building.

No, it was a fox.

The fox was wearing a boiler suit.

Oh, I am shit at these!
Can we just carry on playing? OK.

Do you want me to drop down again?
Yeah.

KLAXON SOUNDS
I'm going down.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Paul Sinha,

I just saw you entering
the main station building.

No way.

I will measure that distance.
I don't have the legs for this.

Down, up... Oh, shit.

KLAXON SOUNDS

Oh! I can still see you.

Sian, I can see your legs
under the sign now. Oh, no.

Goodbye.

That's impossible.

APPLAUSE
That was so hard.

I was transported back to school then

because there was always one mate,
when you played any game,

'who, if they lost, went, "No, we're
just carrying on playing actually
because I haven't been caught."

In my defence, it was very sunny
the day I did it. Yeah.

I couldn't see the lights.
We'll put you in first then(!)

LAUGHTER

Did Sian get...
Sian got to within 181 metres of me.

'Get in! Paul, 193 metres of me.
What do you mean,
"I don't have the legs for this"?

Oh, I'm 48 years old, Greg. Yeah.
So is Zola Budd. She doesn't moan.

LAUGHTER

That's a very interesting statistic
to have at your fingertips.

'Right, off you trot. See you
in part four for more bridges,
our first live task of the series,

'and we'll see someone feign
celebration with Paul's out-of-date
cider vinegar. See you there!

'Hello! It's glorious part four.
Good to have you here again.
Where were we, Alex?

'I was on a railway bridge while
the contestants were trying to creep
up on me without me catching them

like Grandma's footsteps
if your grandma went rogue.

So far, I caught Paul and
I also caught Sian several times.

Next up are Iain with two I's

and Lou who also has two eyes,
but on her face

instead of letters in the name,
so it's quite a good joke.

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

Where are you?
KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS
He's up now.

Will he notice me if I'm a bin?

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

That's taken the wind
out of my sails a bit.

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS
I can see you. Stop where you are.

I could have probably got closer,
but I thought this was enough.

APPLAUSE

Iain, you went at it
like an Olympic athlete.

Oh, a chubby Olympic athlete.

But I would argue that Lou had
the heart of an Olympic champion.

Lou kept running right until the end.
She did.

Whereas Iain, almost arrogantly,
stopped at the top of the stairs.

OK, right...

It's sort of like the Rocky story
in a way,

'the underdog with the bin
on her head, coming from
the wrong side of the tracks.

I mean, I was... You with
your Harvard running...background.

You just thought, "I've done enough,

'"I've done enough,"
whereas the poor bin girl,
dragged up as she was, I imagine...

My dad's been in prison
at least twice. Of course he has.

You wouldn't be putting a bin on
your head if he was a good dad. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

'Stats-wise, I saw them both
at the top of the bridge,
the same distance from me.

That's taken the wind
out of my narrative, hasn't it?

Want me to put the wind back
in your narrative? Yes, please.

'We've seen his prop work.
Let's see how he handles this one.
It's Joe Thomas.

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

Where are you?

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

Come on.

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS
He's got to be close.

KLAXON SOUNDS

I can hear him.

KLAXON SOUNDS
I can hear him.

Where is he?
KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

KLAXON SOUNDS

I can see you. I found Al.

You made it to within one metre
of me. Quite close.

I made it
to within cuddle distance. Yes.

Are you gonna stay?

Oh, well, if I'm allowed to.

It's quite nice up here.
One of us has to go. Oh.

I'll go. That way.

Bye. Bye-bye, Joe.

'I don't know what was wrong at that
moment, but something was wrong.
There was no chemistry.

I will say, it is ambiguous
how you were meant to finish.

'There was an awkwardness once you
finished, between you, I don't know
what that narrative was.

'I don't know what the hell that was.
But up until that point,
I mean, it was exemplary.

I found that...
I found that very sexy.

'Joe, you've got to be pleased
with that. I enjoyed that one,
bit of time on my own.

LAUGHTER

'It's obvious that Joe has smashed it
out of the park. He got to within
one metre of me. Amazing.Points?

Some statistics, you fool.
One point to Paul, two to Sian.

I've got Iain and Lou as the same
distance from me, so they get four.

'That's surprising, but OK. Which
means the winner with five points
is undoubtedly Joe Thomas.

APPLAUSE

'It'd be good to have a little glance
at the scoreboard at this point.
Joe is not in last place any more.

'He's moved to second last, but
Iain is in the lead with 16 points,
followed by Lou on 15 points.

Lovely.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'That good? OK, here we go,
for the first time this series,
please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.
APPLAUSE

Perfect. Just as I wanted them.
Good. Who's gonna read the task out?

I've given the task to Sian Gibson.
Hello. Shall I read it? Yes, please.

OK...

"Get the greatest weight
of doughnuts in your bucket.

'"You must have your hands
on your hips at all times.
You have 100 seconds."

Let's let the doughnut bucket weight
contest commence.

Yeah. 100 seconds, hands on hips.
Hands on hips.

Your time starts...
BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING

Hands on hips, please, Iain.
Hands on hips.

There are problems here.

More movement.

They're too high.
They will get higher. I can't reach.

30 seconds left.

30 seconds left.

Ten seconds.

Aagh!

AUDIENCE:
..seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one...

BLOWS WHISTLE
Stop, stop, stop.

Who says this show compromises
your dignity?

LAUGHTER

Good.
Alex, get those doughnuts weighed.

Let's bring them down and see
how it's affected the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Some lovely old doughnut fun.
What was your favourite technique?

My favourite one was Paul's
where he just lay on the floor.

Paul uploaded...
Are you fine with that? Yeah.

..678 doughnuts into his...

678 doughnuts? Grams.

Thank you.
LAUGHTER

Joe downloaded 872 G's,
but Sian did better G-wise.

1,002g.
So, it's between Iain and Lou.

We're well into KG's
with these two cats.

One of them got 1.162kg. OK.

The other one, 2.4kg.

Are you telling me
someone went over the 2kg...

Someone went well over the 2kg mark.
No-one's ever done that.

And that someone was Lou Sanders

with 2.4kg.
CHEERING

How has that affected the scores?
We have a tie-break.

Iain and Lou both get 20 points. No?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes.

'A tie-break. The wheels are about
to come off. For this one, they had
to peel a banana using their feet.

'I can't watch. They couldn't touch
the banana with their hands and the
peeled banana couldn't be damaged.

So, here's what they did
in the banana tie-break.

'A lot of people paint a picture with
their feet, so I imagine peeling
a banana will be very simple.

I think this bit's gonna help.
SNAP

Oh!

Am I timed for this? Yes.
Stop me if you're getting turned on.

Whoa...

Done.

Are you hungry?

I'll eat it.

APPLAUSE

Are we playing for the fart
in the jar, are we?

I don't want to be presumptuous
and say Iain won that.

I don't think so.

They both peeled it in almost
exactly one minute. Oh, my goodness!

One second either side of the minute
mark. One got 59 and one got 61.

Iain won. Oh.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Iain, please go up there
and pocket your powerful smell.

CHEERING

So, there you go. That's it.
What have we learnt today?

'We've learnt that if you want
to seduce Sian Gibson, buy her
some flowers, put on a French accent

and stick your tongue
in a wasps' nest.

'But we've also found
our first winner. Let's remind them
of that by clapping again.

Well done for tonight's champion,
Iain Stirling!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you, everyone. Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media