Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 9 - The Pendulum Draws the Eye - full transcript

Two episodes remain in the series and with Greg Davies's shiny head trophy within touching distance, tensions are beginning to run high between the beleaguered contestants.

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Ah!
HE GROANS

HE LAUGHS
Whoo!

AIR HORN BLARES
No!

SHE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Hello! I'm still Greg Davies
and this is still Taskmaster.
Hope you're still watching.

There are just two episodes left
for one member of this almighty cast

'to prove themselves worthy of
guiltily fondling my gilded face.
LAUGHTER

'These prospective champions have
names and I'm about to shout them,
so please welcome James Acaster!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jessica Knappett!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



Kerry Godliman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Phil Wang! And Rhod Gilbert!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And rudely rocking up next to me,

it's my quasi-quartermaster,
little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'You know I like you a lot. Yeah.
So I've spent all of my money
on a present for you.

Would you like your gift?
Yes, please.

I've got you a horse-drawn carriage.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

'The trouble is, horses can't draw.
Horses can't...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Do you get it? I do. I do.
Do you get it? I do get it. I think
I should properly display this.

Perhaps you two gentleman
would hold it up for me.

'Erm, would you guys come up.
A horse-drawn carriage.
Funny, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE



'We should really move on
to the prize task.
Oh, I was gonna say that. Jinx!

LAUGHTER

'Today, right now,
the prize category is the most
surprisingly beautiful thing.

'Ah! Like our friendship,
for example. Yeah. Whoever's
thing... It's a bad example.

'Whoever's thing is decided to be the
most surprisingly beautiful by you,
my friend, will get five points,

'and at the end of the show,
someone will go home with five
surprisingly beautiful things.

OK. Good. Mm-hm. Rhod.

My surprisingly beautiful thing,
the back story is,

in 1992, I went travelling
all around the world, Greg,

'and I saw all the sights,
I saw the Taj Mahal, I saw
the Blue Mountains of Australia,

the Gold Coast, Greg,
and then I came home.

'And we were driving back to West
Wales and we passed the industrial
landscape of Port Talbot.

And it had an ethereal beauty
at night

that was unsurpassed
on my entire trip.

'There better be a hell
of a punch line to this story.
Well, look at the picture.

Here we go. Oh, there we are.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, you bell-end!

LAUGHTER
Phil Wang.

I saw the brief on
most surprisingly beautiful thing

and so I got this jack-in-the-box.

I'm actually gonna show you
a little video this time, Greg.

TOY PLAYS POP GOES THE WEASEL

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's the late Grace Kelly of Monaco,

universally considered one of the
most beautiful women in history,

'but she's come out
of a jack-in-a-box.
LAUGHTER

I mean, I actually think
technically it's quite good.

'And yet... And yet...
..I feel empty inside. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Jessica.
What is your feeling on sand?

LAUGHTER

I despise it. I go on exclusively
pebble or shale beaches.

As we've seen in the picture.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, it may surprise you to learn,

when you take a closer look
under a microscope,

it is surprisingly...

beautiful.

LAUGHTER

Is it all sand, that,
if you put it under a microscope?

Or will some sand
just be irritating bits?

It'll all look like that.
Yeah. OK. James.

For my birthday one year,
my friend Sam drew a picture of me,

and it was so surprisingly beautiful

that I framed it
and I put it up in my own bedroom.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, some things that are
off-putting, off the top of my head,

I've got witch's tits and two dicks.
LAUGHTER

Now... the whole thing
shouldn't work, and yet, it works!

It's funny how a work of art
can make you realise things

about the actual person
you hadn't realised before.

And you do, indeed,
have the face of an old lady.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. Kerry.

My thing is art

made from a placenta.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

'JESS LAUGHS
It's like a tree.
It's sort of about life.

And who could've seen that it came
out of a bunch of flesh and veins?

What a surprise!
LAUGHTER

'Well, I am surprised
by the fact that the reality
of a picture of a placenta

'is actually worse than what I had
in my mind. Because what I had
in my mind was already disgusting.

Ready to judge them? Yeah. Well,
he can have one point for a start.

'Oh, no, come on!
You've had your money's worth
out of that picture, you prick!

LAUGHTER

'I felt like there was stuff coming
into my mouth during yours, Kerry.
You can have two points.OK.

'James, you know, it's not beautiful,
but I'm vaguely intrigued
by the whole two dick thing.

You can have three points.
So Phil's got a chance of winning.

I think he's got me
on a technicality.

It has all the elements
of a surprisingly beautiful thing.

I think it's rubbish,
and I think it's a hollow victory,

but you just brought
a pile of sand in

and then tried some sort
of microscope bullshit on us.

So, against all odds,
five points to Phil Wang.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Let's get going. Proper tasks.
Yes. OK, then. And as a little
tribute to your number one hobby,

this task involves counting money.
Ready? Mm-mm!

Hi, Phil.

LAUGHTER
Swear box.

That can fuck off for a start.
LAUGHTER

'That's a red rag to a bull, that is,
to me, a swear box.
Pissing little slotty red shit.

Put the most money
in the small bowl.

You may not touch the small bowl.

The small bowl must not sink.

Also, you must say your own name
at least once every 30 seconds.

With pleasure.

You have five minutes.

'The money in the small bowl
with the highest
total numerical value wins.

Your time starts now.

APPLAUSE

Pretty straightforward, then, Alex.
Coins into the bowl.

They must not touch the little bowl.
They mustn't touch the little bowl.

'You must not touch the little bowl.
The little bowl must not sink. Ooh!
LAUGHTER

It's the highest numerical value.
Right. OK?

'So a 50p piece is worth 50.
A £1 coin is worth one.
Yes. Alright? Got it.

'We're gonna start with either end
of the panel. Sweary Rhod
and wary James. Here we go.

God, how do get into
a fucking swear box?

25.

'So a 50 is worth 50
and a £1 is worth one. They're all
foreign coins. I get you. Yeah.

Ten. Ten.

Er, 50. Right. OK.

Five. 25. Er, Rhod Gilbert.

James Acaster.

20. Is there anything bigger than
20? What have we got there? 100!

100 escudos. James Acaster.

Ooh! Ooh! Ohh!

James Acaster. Rhod Gilbert. 100!

Ho-ho-ho! 50! Ho-ho-ho!

That's gonna go under
if I put another one in.

20. Oh.

Don't you dare!

'Am I allowed to touch it? No.
There's no touching the small bowl.
Hang on. I can touch the big bowl.

No! Agh!
LAUGHTER

How long have I got?
Oh, fucking hell!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

'I mean, it sums up
how I did on the task, doesn't it?
A dead face in a bowl.

LAUGHTER

Oh, shit! Rhod Gilbert. Done!
WHISTLE BLOWS

'HE SIGHS
God, I almost went wrong
in so many different ways.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Explain yourself.
Two words, nervous breakdown.
LAUGHTER

Simple as that. Every episode. Yeah.

And when you were scooping things
out... Mm. Something delicate?

'Something delicate. "Oh,
I've got a delicate situation here,
involving a little bowl with water."

'What do you reach for?
A skull! Skull!
LAUGHTER

The skull has holes in it
for the eyes and jawbones.

I thought, "That'll drain it
as it's coming out."

However, I neglected to notice
that the skull

'was slightly bigger
than the bowl opening.
LAUGHTER

'Do you wanna move on?
Yeah, I do, because somebody
must have done that better.

'Now, for those people who want
to see Phil and Jess together,
it's Jess and Phil.

Here we go. Ready? Yes.

Ah! 50.

100 colones.

Phil Wang! Throwing in the coins!

Is there a penalty for saying
my name too many times? No, no.

Oh, Phil Wang. Philly Wang. Phil.
Phil Wang. Philip Wang.

Oh, hundreds. 20.

Oi! Oi! No! No! Ahh!
AUDIENCE GROAN

Oh, man!

Ten. Ten. Ten.

LAUGHTER

It's not the time that's...

WHISTLE BLOWS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Shit!
LAUGHTER

'APPLAUSE
I have been genuinely traumatised
by the sight of Phil's genitals...

LAUGHTER
..in that costume.

'And I thought I'd sort of got used
to them, until I saw them magnified
through a goldfish bowl.

LAUGHTER

Surprisingly beautiful, I thought.
LAUGHTER

'But what intrigued me is both of you
seemed genuinely shocked
when the bowl did sink.

'I'm an optimist.
I don't know what to say. It looked
well designed to withstand the load.

'Erm... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
But I gave it too much load.

I...
LAUGHTER

'Phil is a trained engineer,
that's why he's using
all this technical terminology.

LAUGHTER
OK. Now, stop. Just stop. Breathe.

Take a break. Come back
when you've all calmed down. Go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. It's Taskmaster
and it's the start of part two.

'So you know what that means.
It means that Alex gets to make
his special noise.

Hurrrr!

'LAUGHTER
Now, what was happening
before the break?

It was the money bowl task.
You know the one.

'There's a bowl in a fish bowl.
They put as much money in the little
bowl without it sinking.

Oh, and so far, everyone has failed.

But there's one person left,
one ray of hope, one Kerry Godliman.

Ten. 20. Kerry Godliman.

30. 40.

50. 60. Kerry Godliman.

110. 100!

210. Kerry Godliman.

I'm gonna go for
loads of these little friends.

Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.

AUDIENCE: Ohhh!
Missed the bowl there.

Is it worth getting? I think it is.

I think it's worth getting it.
It's a really light one and it's...

SHE GASPS
OK, I'm stopping. Kerry Godliman.

'Well,
we're gonna have to wait two and a
half minutes to see if that sinks.

LAUGHTER
Oh, really?

It's not gonna sink. Staring at it
is not changing anything.

'Putting any more money in?
Well, no, because then it will sink.
Right. I see.

Kerry Godliman. Kerry Godliman.

Five seconds left, Kerry Godliman.
Kerry Godliman. Five seconds.

Kerry Godliman. Four.
Kerry Godliman. Two.

Kerry Godliman. One.

'WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you, Kerry. OK. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's the Kerry Godliman system.
It's the most obvious route.

'It's direct... Yes.
..and it gets the job done.
Absolutely. Bosh! Bosh!

In many ways, you are
the Grand Master of this show.

'Wow! Well, that's praise indeed.
Yeah. Because you don't think.
LAUGHTER

I do think! That's not a fluke,
that's brains, mate!

Yeah. Your system works. And I'm
complimenting you. Thank you.

'Do you have compliments
for the rest of us?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'Not for you, skull boy.
LAUGHTER
Do you wanna score it?

Five points for the bosh queen,
Kerry Godliman. OK. Five to Kerry.

Everyone else? Zero. Oh, what?

'Kerry Godliman wins the task.
Five, nil, nil, nil, nil.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'What are the scores?
Kerry's in the lead at the moment
with seven points.

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look, I wanna give out some more
points. Let's have some more tasks.

'OK, then. Here's a confusing one
for you that will mean different
things to different people.

Hello. Hello.

Fez.

Ooh! A fez!

'What the fez? A little joke
to start us off. No, I liked it.
Jot that down. I was laughing.

'Quite close.
Fez is quite close to what the...
Yeah, no, I got it. Yeah?

Be photographed in the most
unusual situation wearing this fez.

'You have eight weeks!
LAUGHTER
Your time starts now.

I didn't know that they were soft.
I thought they were hard.

Like a flower pot? Yeah. Yeah. I did
think they were like a flower pot.

'And I take the fez. I need the fez.
That's your fez, now.
It's key, isn't it, the fez?

See you soon. Goodbye, Kerry.
Bye-bye.

Hi, Alex. Oh, hello, Phil.

Hello, James.

LAUGHTER
Hula.

Hula. You have one minute.
Your time starts now.

APPLAUSE

'What? A split task.
Yes. We divided them up. We've got
the children and the grownups.

'LAUGHTER
Shall we start with Jess's
fez adventure? Yeah. Yes.

I'm wearing a fez in...
the cockpit of an aeroplane!

'With a pilot, genuinely, who when
I asked to go into the cockpit,

he went,
"Oh, that's weird, my name is Fez."

'It is completely true. We see his
name badge is Andrew Ferrington.
Andy Ferrington. Andy Ferrington!

'AKA, Fez. Well, I think it's not
a bad attempt to have a picture
with you and Andy Ferrington.

'LAUGHTER
I invited Fez down. No-one has
called that man Fez in his life.

Fez! Yep!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!
APPLAUSE

'Would you like to see
Kerry's fez picture? Yes,
I want to see Kerry's fez picture.

I went back in time. AUDIENCE: Ooh!

I did. I found a portal

and I went back
to oldy worldy times.

LAUGHTER
Tudory times.

LAUGHTER
Wow!

That's me in the past.

'I'm not a historian, Kerry,
but does Tudory times
cover a very specific period?

'I wasn't asked about that. I was
just asked to have my picture taken
in a fez in an unusual situation.

So I fulfilled my brief. Bosh!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Rhodri? Yeah. I think you'll agree
this is an unusual situation.

LAUGHTER

Ohhh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh-ho!

'I haven't looked round yet, but if
this is a fez superimposed on top
of a picture of me looking fat...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, Jesus Christ!
You traitorous old woman!

LAUGHTER

Who is that, Greg?

As you well know, it's my mother.
LAUGHTER

And she's here tonight! She is.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

As it's an unusual task,
the maximum point is three.

'I mean, the truth is,
we've gotta stick to the rules.
Yep. Rhod's not wearing the fez.

'Are you gonna give him any points?
I'll give him one point
because I love my mum.

'AUDIENCE: Aww! I would give Kerry
more, but something tells me
she hasn't been back in time.

There's inaccuracies in that picture
that says that she actually went

to a company who do pictures
for people on bad stag dos.

I went back in time. I'll give her
two points. Two to Kerry.

'And I'm gonna give Jess
three points,
purely because Fez is a legend.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fezzie!

Are you ready for the hula-hoopers?
Am I!

So, they were told to hula for one
minute. This is what they did.

I've never been able to hula-hoop.

Oh, that's alright. That's OK, that.

Ow! Hurts! Hurts!

I've never done this before.
This is a first.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS
Thank you.

Improve your hulaing.
Greatest improvement wins.

You have until the studio shows.
Your time starts now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I don't know if anyone else
found that as traumatic as I did.
LAUGHTER

I could not take my eyes off it.
You didn't have a choice.

It doesn't matter sometimes
how ornate the grandfather clock is,

the pendulum draws the eye.
LAUGHTER

'Are we basically saying that James
has got to do more than six seconds
to win this task?

Well, it depends how many more
seconds than 57 Wang does.

It's who improves the most.

Let's see how they do right now.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Ooh!
You can have one attempt at this.

When I blow my whistle,
please start hulaing.

Greatest improvement wins.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Hula!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, fuck!

I've been practising so much!

I've been practising so much.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I'm really good now.
I am really good.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I got nervous. I got nervous.
I'm really good now.

I'm really good.

I mean, it is impressive, isn't it?

It's such a shame
we've gotta take his first attempt.

LAUGHTER

'You could just take his second
attempt, I would suggest.
Which was spectacular.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Them's the rules, I'm afraid. So,
from the start of the spinning...

Yep. ..Phil, one and a half seconds.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

James Acaster... Yep?
..five seconds.

'Oh, my God!
And it's greatest improvement.
A maximum of three points again.

It's completely up to you, Greg.
Oh, God!

I don't think Phil Wang
has practised hula-hooping once.

'LAUGHTER
But I'm gonna give him one point
regardless.

'I am going to deem it
that James Acaster has made
the most improvement,

but I can't give him full marks,
so I'm going to give him two marks.

There. It's done. Two points to
James Acaster! Ready, Alex? Always.

One, two, three... BOTH: Break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Right, little Alex Horne,
I for one would like another task.

'And I for one
would like to give you one.
LAUGHTER

Hello, Rhod. Done a wash?
These are all Greg's socks.

Find the sock with a satsuma inside.

You may not look inside
any of the socks.

You may squeeze five socks...

Stroke ten socks and sniff 20 socks.
My rules every day, anyway.

Ohh! So many things.

You may put your hand
inside three socks.

You may put 11 socks on your feet.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

APPLAUSE

Erm, I'm a little bit irritated.

Someone appears to have graffitied
on the side of my caravan.

'That was awkward.
So, I obviously put the satsuma
in the eighth one along,

the big 8 was to remind me that's
the one it was, but I left it up.

LAUGHTER

'If any of them had looked back
at any point, that would've been
so annoying. They would've seen.

He's angry about the hulaing. You're
not angry about that, are you?

'Oh, no, I calmed down about that,
then Jess pointed that out, and now
I remember that I hate this show.

LAUGHTER

The first satsuma hunters we're
gonna see are Rhod, James and...

sorry, aren't Rhod, James and Kerry.

Here's Jess and Phil!
LAUGHTER

It doesn't say you can't look in it.
Are you sure? What's the first line?

'You may not look inside
any of the socks.
LAUGHTER

You have no more strikes.
No more strikes.

Urgh. I think this one's been worn.
They've all been worn.

Oh, have they? They're Greg's socks.

Ohhh.

LAUGHTER
Yes! Yes!

Not satsuma!

Could be.

Still no.

Could be a satsuma.

I can put them on my feet now.

Guys! What is it?

That's a bloody egg!
LAUGHTER

Cos... Agh. My foot's become
so cold, I can't actually feel it.

Ohhh!

That's a satsuma.

Bingo.

Ohhh! I think this is a satsuma.

What have you found?

A lime!
LAUGHTER

HE SIGHS
Oh, God. Unlucky, Phil.

APPLAUSE

Has anyone in cinema history
been so...

'LAUGHTER
..passionate about
tossing a lime into the air?

Lime!
LAUGHTER

I got citrus.
That's as close as I got.

You largely were listening
for the fruit.

'LAUGHTER
You did use your foot in the end
because you said,

"The foot is just
the hand of the leg."

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's poetic. Jesus Christ!
LAUGHTER

21 minutes and 10 seconds
to find a lime. A what?

A lime!
LAUGHTER

I mean, was there only one egg
in the socks?

'No! Oh, yes. There was one egg in 50
socks. She found that with her foot.
LAUGHTER

You sniffed it out with your
leg hand, though, didn't you? Yeah!

It was quite difficult
to find that it was a satsuma

with your leg hand,

cos I'd never rolled a satsuma
onto my leg hand before.

I feel like I've been popping pills.
LAUGHTER

Have you ever rolled a satsuma
onto your leg hand before?

LAUGHTER

She took 16 minutes and 56 seconds,

but succeeded, so she is currently
in the lead. OK, good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Next up, it's James and Kerry.

'How many socks are there?
Great question. There's a lot,
aren't there? Oh, God.

It's not this one. How do you know?

That does not look like a satsuma
to me. OK.

Get in the bath.

That is a tennis ball.
Not that one, that's a tennis ball.

Oh-ho!
That's a goddamn snooker ball!

That wasn't a satsuma.

That wasn't a satsuma.

That could've been a satsuma.
LAUGHTER

This is a tennis ball. This is a
tennis ball. This is a tennis ball.

'You've got 19 sniffs left.
I never thought anyone would
say that to me in my whole life.

LAUGHTER
Not that one.

This is demeaning.

That's not a satsuma.
I swear to God. This isn't one.

Suck it. I think it's a satsuma.

Well done, Kerry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nice to add to your vast collection
of catchphrases during that task.

"This is demeaning." That'll really
catch on. "Get in the bath."

"Suck it" is one we've seen before.
Yeah. But I always enjoy it.

Also, with the satsuma,
works on two levels.

'LAUGHTER
James seemed fairly impressive
to me.

He took the same amount of time it
takes me to wake you up with kisses,

9 minutes and 34 seconds.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Not bad.

Erm, Kerry, I think I've been a bit
mean about your approach to tasks.

I thought that seemed
very sophisticated.

'LAUGHTER
And then, when you'd ruled out
certain things,

got the old tennis racket, bosh!
LAUGHTER

Which is brilliant because
they hurt their hands. I didn't.

'I will say, also,
both of them used their eyes,
which is more than Phil did.

'Yeah, interesting.
LAUGHTER
They looked at the socks.

Interesting.
Why not listen for the fruit?

LAUGHTER

The eyes of the side of the head.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You wanna know how Kerry did?
8 minutes 40. ALL: Oooh!

A minute quicker than James,
so in the lead. One left to see.

'It's always scary
when you leave Rhod till last.
LAUGHTER

He does crazy shit. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Ready for Rhod?
Yes, please. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

Cor! Somebody's done a job on this.

This isn't as easy as I thought.

This is...

'I was going for scissors,
but as luck would have it,
I found a tangerine in the kitchen.

You think this is the sock
with the satsuma in? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure,
I just put a satsuma in it.

Can I check and see if you're...
Yeah. There you go.

Yeah, it didn't say
exclusively with a satsuma in it.

OK. Thank you. Thanks, Rhod.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, let's just establish the time
that he found a satsuma in a sock.

2 minutes 31.
Did he find a satsuma in a sock?

I would say he didn't find it.

Yeah. You've gotta lose something
to find it.

'What if you put them on the side
and forgot about them?
Cos Rhod's the same age as me,

it's entirely feasible that
he put that satsuma in the sock

and then forgot and then found it.
LAUGHTER

'I was as surprised as anyone
when it fell out.
LAUGHTER

You can't put it in yourself.
Come on. That's a proper...

'You've gotta admit, that was clever.
Funny who you're prepared to bend
for, isn't it, you fucking...

'LAUGHTER
Do you know what?
I can't believe this shit!

LAUGHTER

"Oh, oh, whatever,
it was my friend."

LAUGHTER

Yeah! Ohh, I've never been accused
of bias before.

Good for you! And you got two points
for that hula-hoop bullshit.

Ohh! Ohh, and it felt so good.

'LAUGHTER
Oh, please give me another
two points for the hula-hoop!

Give me eight weeks of my life back,
how does that sound?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

James, do you remember how I backed
you on the hula-hoop thing?

I was right behind you.
LAUGHTER

Yeah, well, now you can back into
a satsuma and shove it up your arse.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This has taken a very nasty turn.

'LAUGHTER
So what I'm gonna say here
is that no-one's won that.

'Because of all this?
Because of all this shit.
LAUGHTER

'Two joint seconds. Rhod and Kerry
in joint second with four points.
Indeed.

Then we go to James with three
points. Yep. And Jess with two

and Phil with a... ALL: Lime!
OK, there we go.

Rhod and Kerry come second!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Score update, please. OK, very
quickly, Phil in the series has 115.

He's still last, weirdly.

James, 140. Rhod, 150.

Kerry, 153. Jess still
just in the lead with 155.

It's still tight. Oooh! Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This episode,
it's not quite so tight.

'Phil and Rhod are joint last
with six, but out in the lead,
it's Kerry with 13! Yay!

Bosh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good. Can we squeeze in some more
task excitement, Alex?

You can, but sadly, it's the final
team task of the series.

Welcome. Thanks. Thanks.

'Looking forward to another task,
we are. I think I can speak
for all of us. Yeah, we are.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. Oh, what's happening now?
Shall I get that?

I... I can't condone that.
That could've hurt somebody.

Achieve a rally of exactly 24 shots.

You must each take the same amount
of shots. That's easy.

'You must be stood at least 6 foot
8 inches apart from one another.
Oh, God!

The Taskmaster is 6 foot 8,
presumably.

'The object struck may neither
touch the ground nor be held
at any point during the rally.

So it's tennis. We play tennis and
have a rally. I can't play tennis.

'There is a bonus point for the team
that uses the most ambitious
equipment.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now!

Why would you rush "the time starts
now"? I always delay it. Er...

'Do you? Yeah, I delay it to give
myself some thinking time.
I wish I'd known that.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Only mild irritation
from James there

'in that some blood
remained in his face.
LAUGHTER

'Kerry just said to me, "Well,
at least we didn't have Rhod."
LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Awwww!

No, no, no!
Don't pity him! You don't know. No!

'Do some team tasks with him
and then see how you feel.
LAUGHTER

'OK, do you wanna see the rally?
Yeah, let's just get amongst it. I
can't wait. Here are Kerry and Jess.

What should we use as rackets?

I think these trays are quite good.
Trays are good.

We have to measure the 6 foot
fucking 8. How tall are you?

'5 foot 2. So, half of you
is two and a half. Half of me?
KERRY LAUGHS

'You lie down. So we're having
all of you and half of me.
JESS LAUGHS

Yeah, but how are we measuring it?
Here. Here's half of me.

One. That's too weird.

CLATTERING

LAUGHTER

I feel like this is ambitious.

It's stupid.
It's not ambitious, it's stupid.

One.
LAUGHTER

One. Two. Fuck.
The sun's in my eyes!

BOTH: One, two, three. Ohh.

Five. Ohh.

This is worse than the ukuleles.
One.

LAUGHTER
Oh, we've really blown this.

One. Two. Three. Four.

Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.

Ten. 11. 12.

13. 14. 15. 16.

17. 18. 19. 20.

21. 22. 23. 24. Yes!
Leave it! Leave it! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Can I go and have a lie down? Yes.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And this is the greatest opening
to any sport. "One. Two. Fuck."

LAUGHTER

So, using balls and trays, they did
it in 12 minutes and 49 seconds.

'Well, it's a starting point.
Not a bad start.
APPLAUSE

'Right, it's the final break
of the show before the final part
of the show.

I want you to stay exactly
where you are, thank you!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, hello! Welcome back
to the last part of Taskmaster.

Not long to go until somebody
legs it home with the placenta.

But first, Alex Horne.
Hello, Greg. How are you?

'A rally, that's what
they were trying to achieve.
A rally of exactly 24 shots

with a bonus point for
the most ambitious equipment used.

Here are the men having a go.

Is that correct? That? No,
that's not. He's taller than that.

If we put a hat on him, it's
probably about right, I reckon.

That's the man. Yeah.
How tall are you? 6'1.

Right, you lie on it, then.
Why is that still there?

'And put your feet where his are.
Why am I lying down with a hat on?
Hang on.

'It says fastest wins, and right now,
I'm lying down with a top hat on.

'Kick it over the shed.
Start with one of us blindfolded
and then go from there.

One!

'Oh, Phil!
LAUGHTER
Honestly.

'You've gone too ambitious.
I've gone...
APPLAUSE

I thought you wanted ambitious.
You've gone too ambitious.

'We can just use the shed.
It doesn't actually go
anywhere near the ground.

OK.

LAUGHTER
That sounded bad.

Right, this is the one. One. Two.

Three. Four. Five.

Six. Seven.

Eight. Nine. Ten.

11. 12. Come on!

13.

14. 15.

16. 17.
James has gotta get one less.

18. 19. 20.

21. 22. 23. Give it back to me.

ALL: Yes!
Stop the clock. Yes! Good times.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'If I could, I would award the bonus
point for Phil's blindfold.
LAUGHTER

'It's interesting
that you spent so long trying
to work out what 6 foot 8 was.

I wonder if that paid off
in the long run, did it?

Well, the shed was 6 foot 6 wide.

They also had to strike it
exactly the same number of times.

'During the bit we just saw,
you counted to 24
but you got to 27 in total.

'During the first 27, you hit it
seven times, Phil eight, James nine.
LAUGHTER

Also, you were seven minutes slower.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Another agonising decision for me.

LAUGHTER

Jess and Kerry, pretty excellent.

So five points each. OK. Well done.

But I think the bag of monkeys
that is the boys' team,

'they did attempt something a bit
more ambitious, so I'm gonna give
them a point each. Let it be done.

Five to the girls, one to the boys!
APPLAUSE

'Please can you all stay
where the heck you are
for the final task of the show.

ALL: Oooh.
APPLAUSE

And as if by magic,
something's appeared.

'What is going on here, Alex?
Well, it's the studio task.
Jess is gonna read it out.

Write your name
and draw a picture of a happy horse

on your overhead projector acetate
upside down.

You must not rotate
or manipulate your acetate.

You have 100 seconds.

'Most accurate picture and writing
when your acetate
is overhead-projected wins.

'LAUGHTER
Wow.
It's a happy horse and your name.

You've gotta do it upside down,
though.

'But when we project it,
we want it to be projected the right
way up as accurately as possible.

'And please,
I would ask the audience,
cheer as if you're watching football

'because that will amuse me
while they do this.
LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS
Let's do this, Alex!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's copying. He's copying.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no!

AUDIENCE: Five! Four! Three!

Two! One!
WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Feel the rush.
LAUGHTER

'It's been a long time
since I saw someone trying to copy
someone else's work.

'LAUGHTER
I thought, "Is this a trick,
cos when you put them on there,

does it flick them upside down?
So if we do them upside down..."

'Alex will talk you through that now.
Remember,
I'm putting it on upside down,

'so hopefully they did it upside
down. Yep. And it will look the
right way up. Correct. Here we go.

OK, this is Rhod's. How accurate...
LAUGHTER

So, Rhod Gilbert is a huge success.

Mm-hm. I want to question
whether that is a horse

and whether that horse is happy.

Yeah. Teeth, nose,
eyes, eyelashes, ears,

legs out to the side,
big tongue hanging out.

Ah, yeah, it's a happy horse. Tick!
Who next? Phil Wang?

It says Phil... What's the...
Oh, that's Chinese for Wang.

It's easier to draw upside down.
Ohh!

Oooh!
LAUGHTER

'Your horse is demonstrating
his happiness with a big smile.
That's nice. Kerry.

LAUGHTER

You alright? That's my name in...

LAUGHTER
..gobbledegook.

'I'm amazed I'm saying this. That's
probably the best horse so far.
Thank you.

'I presume it's a very thin horse,
all of its legs
one behind the other.

LAUGHTER
OK, here we go. Jessica Knappett.

LAUGHTER

'There's a fine line between happy
and deranged, isn't there?
LAUGHTER

Oh, I know!
LAUGHTER

He's so happy... She!
LAUGHTER

She's so happy that she's dislocated
her lower jaw.

LAUGHTER

OK.
Last one. Ready for James Acaster's?

LAUGHTER

Wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'He's been practising that
for eight weeks!
LAUGHTER

I mean, fair play to the boy.
Can't fault it. Both names.

And that, man, that's a happy horse.
LAUGHTER

Alex, take your seat.
I'll make a quick decision. OK.

LAUGHTER

'I thought that he did the name very
well, but it was by far the worst
horse in that it wasn't ahorse.

It was a horse's face!
How do you know it's you?

LAUGHTER

I'm giving Rhod two points. Two
points to Rhod Gilbert. Yes, indeed.

Kerry's horse was an improvement
on actual horses.

'SHE LAUGHS
Why would they wanna have
two of their legs side by side?

Stick them all in a big row.
LAUGHTER

I'd like to see that racing. She got
her name entirely incorrectly,

but I'm going to give her
three points. OK, three points.

Jessica and Phil,
I'm grouping you together.

I got my name right.
But my horse was really happy.

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

I'm giving you four points. James,
he got both of his names correct

'and it was the happiest
and the best horse.
James Acaster gets five points!

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's have a sting
to get rid of the props

and then we'll find out
the final scores!

How was that, Alex?

It was very artistic
and very satisfying. Wasn't it?

Thanks to those scores,

'there was now
just three points in it
at the top of the series scoreboard.

THEY GASP
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

And in this episode,
there's just 12 points...

'LAUGHTER
This episode is not close.
Rhod is at the bottom with nine,

but at the top with 21 points,
it's Kerry Godliman!

Ohhhh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I get the placenta!
SHE LAUGHS

'Kerry Godliman is the winner!
Please go and rejoice in your
surprisingly beautiful winnings!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'So, what have we learnt today? We've
learnt that if you're struggling
to achieve something inlife,

maybe it's time
to think outside the box,

use your foot, the hand of the leg,

or use your ear,
the eye of the head.

And if all fails, use A LIME!
LAUGHTER

And of course, we've learnt
that Kerry Godliman won the show.

'Thank you for watching.
Good night and see you next time
for the grand final!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media