Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 8 - Mother Honks Her Horn - full transcript

Phil Wang makes sure his outstanding outfit leaves even less to the imagination that it did before, Jessica Knappett demonstrates her mastery of a child's percussion instrument and James Acaster's dream comes true.

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BELLOWS

Ah!
GROANS

LAUGHS

Woo-oh!

BLASTS HORN

No!

SCREAMS

Arghh!

Aghhhh!

APPLAUSE

Hello!



How are you? I'm fine, thanks.
You're looking well.

I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

There are five comedians hungry
to stoke the fire of this

competition and commence battle
immediately.

So who am I to stop them?
I'm the Taskmaster, that's who!

But I'm also just a regular
nice guy. So, here they are.

Your five fearless fighters.

James Acaster!
APPLAUSE

Jessica Knappett!
APPLAUSE

Kerry Godliman!
APPLAUSE

Phil Wang!
APPLAUSE

And Rhod Gilbert!
APPLAUSE

And still very much keeping
the dream alive...

that he might be a late bloomer...
It's little Alex Horne!



APPLAUSE

I can get on here by myself.
I can get on here by myself. I can.

Looking a little sheepish tonight.

Not comfortable.

Yes. You're not comfortable because
you're being punished

for the last episode.

Can I tell them what you've done?
No, you can't.

They'll find out soon enough.
It's horrible. Good.

Let's start the competition.

LAUGHTER

Prize task? Yes. Prize task, OK.

And kindly suggested by Greg
in honour of me, you said,

me, Mr Alex Horne.

Today's prize category
is "the creepiest thing".

LAUGHTER

You're going to award the owner
of the creepiest thing

five enormous points and at the end
of this very show,

the overall winner will get to take
on all five creepy things!

Right, James Acaster.

I imagine you've brought
in a really creepy thing?

I come from a town called Kettering
in Northamptonshire.

In Kettering there's a museum called
the Manor House Museum and

the main attraction in the Manor
House Museum is a mummified cat.

Alex, please.

LAUGHTER

Here's the mummified cat.

AUDIENCE GROAN

God!

Oh, my God!

It is a mummified cat that was found
in a wall in a building in

Kettering. In the past it was good
luck to keep a cat in the walls.

A live one? Actually,
that wasn't specified.

A really strong start. It's creepy.

And it's the first thing ever that's
made a want to visit Kettering!

Kerry, what's the creepy thing
you've brought in?

This is a thing that a man was
wearing on a train sat opposite me.

And he maintained eye contact
with me for four tube stops.

Long time. Yeah.
It was this T-shirt here.

GROANS, LAUGHTER

Is it the lack of apostrophe
you object to?

LAUGHTER

Really creepy. Jesus Christ!

I just can't imagine it ever
working. As in, "OK. Go on, then.

"Off we go! Get the stirrups!
I'm game!"

Phil, what creepy thing
did you bring in?

So, erm, my creepiest thing is
a finger portrait of myself

that I was given by someone
who came to one of my shows.

Here is the painting.

Oh! It's quite good.

But...
LAUGHTER

That's amazing, Phil!

Well, so, it was in Newcastle,
which is creepy. Oh!

What happened to the old castle?

LAUGHTER

I'll give you it is a good picture,
objectively speaking.

But it was the idea of him sitting
on his own and just stroking

the contours of my face.

Around the jaw and over the lips and
just going, "Here you are, Phil."

It's not very creepy, though.
I think it's nice.

It's a lovely picture. Oh!

Would you like to see Jessica...?
Jessica Knappett.

It's quite simply my collection of
Victorian Christmas cards.

OK. Here they are,
the Victorian Christmas cards.

LAUGHTER

These are Christmas cards? Yes.
Right. So, top left - dead robin.

LAUGHTER
Er, frog shagging a beetle.

# Ding dong, merrily on dead frog! #

Creepy. Pretty creepy stuff.
Pretty creepy!

I mean, it's not a cat in a wall.
I'll give you that. No.

One left. Oh, no! What?

Every single one of the prize tasks
for this whole series... Oh, that.

..it has essentially been a picture
of me looking fat or...

LAUGHTER

So given the title
Creepiest Thing...

LAUGHTER

Well, this is a rare occasion

where I'm not entering
that picture of you.

It's not a picture of me at all?
It's not a picture of you at all.

It is a short film.

Would you like to see the film?

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Wow! Wow!

Wow!

That actually made me feel dirty.

I saw you out.

No, you didn't.

Fuckin' hell!

The orgy one is quite nice.

There's one point where you go,
"A-pi-pi-pi!"

Ready? Yes. Least creepy... I mean,
the perfectly nice picture of Phil.

It should have a creepier face.
One point to Phil.

Just because they're cards and
I could just turn them over,

I'm going to give Jess two points.

Two points, OK. Yeah.
Fourth place.

I'm going to jump James up.

I'm going to give him four points,
cos that is a creepy cat. Yes.

And good luck to Kettering.

If that's the best you've got,
Jesus Christ!

Let's just turn Kettering
into a car park!

OK. One to Phil, two to Jess,
four to James.

I mean, without question,

the creepiest thing for me is that
this idiot has hid in my...

LAUGHTER
..has hid in my wardrobe.

But a T-shirt that creepy
can't go unpunished.

I'm going to give them five points
each. Both get five points!

APPLAUSE

Fair enough.

Creeps!

What task have we got next, Alex?

Well, if you go down to
the woods today, let's see.

Hello, Rhod. Hiya.

Hi, James.

Eugh!

I'm scared!

What is this place? It's a grotto.

What do you think a grotto is?
It's...

It's what Santa is, isn't it?
I don't think Santa would come here.

Where is the task, Alex?
It's on its way.

LAUGHTER

Right.

"Poke something out of the hole
in the roof of this grotto."

"Least expected thing
poked through wins."

"You have 20 minutes.
Time starts now."

Poke something out of the hole...

There won't be a pound shop nearby,
is there? Are you on Amazon Prime?

Haven't got my phone.

APPLAUSE

Who are we going to see first?

Well, first, we're going to see
a man who will very soon

go by the nickname J-Caster.
It's J-Caster. Here we go.

Poke something through the hole
of the grotto.

Right. I know what it's going to be.

OK. But these guys have
to stop filming me.

You want me to call the cameras off?

All the cameras off!
This is going to be unexpected!

LAUGHTER
Fun's over!

Right, I'm ready.

The cameras are back on, James.

Filming's back on!

This is genius.

Only advice I can give the
Taskmaster for this one -

expect the unexpected, baby.

Could you tell him that?

You want to tell him to expect
the unexpected? Baby!

OK. Here it comes!

LAUGHTER

# Pants on a stick!
Oh-oh!

# Pants on a stick! #

Do you get extra points
for a song? No.

Well, that's a waste of time.
LAUGHTER

I wasn't expecting
that beautiful song.

I'll be honest.

As soon as I was holding my pants
on a stick, I genuinely went crazy.

Yeah.

Do you want to give us a bit more
of Pants on a Stick?

# Pants on a stick

# Waving pants
I just had my pants on a stick

# Whose pants? My pants!
Your pants? No, no! #

Nice song!

Well, good. We're off to a start.

Who's next? We're now going to see
a Godliman-Wang combo, at last.

Kerry and Phil.

OK.

If I can get something on the end
of that stick, we're in business.

Everything here is expected.

It's nature, innit? It's all...

You know, there isn't going to be
a hamburger or something.

STICK SNAPS, LAUGHTER

Right.

Right, you ready?

Oh!

OK, Alex. Here it comes!

LAUGHTER

You see that? Yeah, I can see it.

What do you reckon?

I'm worried about you.
LAUGHTER

Thank you, Kerry. OK!

I might need help with a zip, Alex.

Sure, yeah.

LAUGHTER
OK. Thank you!

Goodbye. Thank you!

You're right. I was not expecting
to see your bra

on the end of a beanpole.
Pleased with yourself?

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

Kerry's was the only one where
I didn't know what was going on,

so I was generally surprised
when a bra came up. Why?

Cos, well, she went into the woods,

hid in a bush and took her bra off
and then came back,

whereas the other two...
And they did it on camera.

I'm quite glad I didn't do it
on camera. Yeah. Like, I went away.

Privately. Yeah. Classy little...

LAUGHTER

I didn't think Alex had a live feed,
like a pervert!

There was a big hole in the roof.

LAUGHTER

I was not fully surprised
by your approach, Phil,

because I have decided that the only
reason you've come into this series

is to show as much as your genitals
as you possibly can.

We had a very tender moment
when I zipped you up. Oh, lovely.

I blew on his neck. Yeah!

Aw! Creepy!

Why don't you, er...? What?

Why don't you go over and relive old
times, have a little hug with Phil?

Can I? You say I don't give
you moments for yourself.

Go and give Phil a hug and remember,
if you like.

Oh. Thanks, mate.

Sit down!
LAUGHTER

I told you!
You do things when I tell you!

That's it. Enough.
I've had enough of part one.

I can't stand it any more.
Come back when you're part two.

Or don't come back at all!

Hi, everyone. Hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where I'm going to instantly

pawn you off on Alex Horne so
that he can do with the detail.

Thank you, Greg. Detail is my
middle name and my closest friend.

Before the break, our competitors
were challenged to stick the

most unexpected thing through a hole
in a grotto's roof.

Last up are Rhod and Jess,
Gilbert and Knappett.

It's poking time again!

I'm going to go and find something
more unexpected.

Let's just see...

Argh!

I got that down there, don't know
what to do with it.

It's a nice grotto, isn't it, Alex?

Thank you.

OK, can you come down and join me in
the grotto, please? OK.

Can you see that?

Yes. The position you adopt is,
if you lean forward,

that's it, sit back into the ladder
a little.

I think this is going to
be quite good.

If you undo your belt.

And then just pop your
trousers down.

I might need you to pull the
trousers down

so I can hold on to
something. I've heard that before.

Can't pull your own trousers down.

Unexpected item appearing now.

What?!

It's...

It's on fire, Jess. It's on fire!

Please, don't set fire to the tree.

Some...classical music
would be nice.

OK. On your leg.

That'll do? If you bend down, bend
right down, Alex...

I don't want to open up...

OK. You've got 30 seconds, Rhod. OK.

Oh!

MUSIC: Gloria in D Major
by Antonio Vivaldi

OK, I've run out of water,
so that is, uh,

that is the water feature
closed for today, kids.

WHISTLE

Your turn up, Rob. OK.

APPLAUSE

INDISTINCT

'I mean... I feel sorry for Jess, I
genuinely wasn't expecting fire to
come out of the hole.

Yeah! And then...

You can't compete with Alex's arse.

It wasn't just Alex's arse, was it?

As grotesque and unexpected
as that was.

But it's also the fact that he then
said,

"That's the water feature closed,
kids!"

LAUGHTER

That was unexpected!

Well, do you want to judge it? Yeah,
I'm gonna judge it.

I'm gonna give two
points straight in

to Kerry, James and Phil,

'because I think, I kind of guessed
it was going to be an item of
clothing

coming through the roof of
the grotto.

'OK, so the bra, pants and yellow
jumpsuit all get two points.
Correct.

OK. Jess, the element of fire,
I wasn't expecting,

four points.

APPLAUSE
Second place, Jess.

And five points, and up to £20,000
of my own money for counselling

Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE
Rhod wins the toss.

OK, I've got the scores.

The series scores are very exciting,
we have Phil Wang on 103.

IMPRESSED WHISTLE

APPLAUSE
Oh, yeah!

Certainly sounds impressive in
isolation. Yeah.

Second last, it's James on 122.

APPLAUSE

But then it's all change,
Kerry's on 131, Jess is on 133,

Rhod's on 134. Three points!

APPLAUSE
Whoa!

That's the first I've been in the
lead all series. Yes, it is.

All change. OK. I have a scoreboard
for this episode.

Phil is in last with three,

James and Jess both on
six, Kerry on seven,

but Rhod's in the
lead with ten points!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

More, please, little Alex Horne.

Well, this one is a puzzling riddle

of a treasure hunt of a task.

Oh. Hi.

Hi, Alex.

Huh. Oh.

So, here we are. Here we are.
Why is there not a task here?

Is it in this room?
Yeah. It's not hidden.

Well, it's not not hidden, is it?

No. But it's not hidden.

Hi, James.

The task is somewhere. Right.

Heeey!

You're colder now. Colder now.

Warmer, warmer. Warmer.

Ah!

Carefully, so I don't pull this
down. Little tug.

C.

C. Your time starts now.

Now look in the microwave.

What?

APPLAUSE

Let's just crack straight into it.

OK. Let's start with the ladies.
But which two ladies?

Where's the microwave?

Where's the microwave?

C.

Ah!

Now look in your pigeonhole.

E.

E.

Now look under the doormat.

C-R-E.

Where's the doormat?
Probably near a door.

Oh, yeah.

A. Now look in the lab.

M. Now look in the little
blue book.

What little blue book?

What little blue book?

What little blue book, Alex?

Is there a little blue box in here?

What are you looking for?
A little blue box.

Where's the little blue book?

Are you OK, Kerry?
No, I'm stressing out.

Right, OK, so there's a little blue
box somewhere in this house.

Now look...

What?!

I can't read!

Now look in the little blue book!

Not box, book!

It says book!

Oh, this is tough...

Eeeey! That's clever, isn't it?

Love that. A tiny one!

S. At the beginning.
Fastest wins. What?

S. At the beginning.

Creams.

At the beginning.

What?

No-one says that, do they?
Creams? No.

Scream!

SHE SCREAMS

Creams at the beginning.

Creams at the beginning. Is it like,
um, the...

A situation where people
have creams at the beginning?

S.

At...

Oh!

SHE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

I mean, it's an incredible question.

'"Oh, this must be a situation where
people have creams in the
beginning."

Powerful screams, though.

Oh, excellent screams.
And it wasn't that slow.

They both took five minutes
something.

I think if Kerry had realised the
doormat was near the door, she...

Oh, hang on, is that worse than
confusing book with a box?

No, oh, no,
you were both absolutely shit.

Kerry took five minutes
and 47 seconds,

Jess five minutes and 31 seconds, so
Jess is in the lead at the moment.

Wow. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

The end of part two is nigh.

Correction, the end of part
two is now!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello there.

And if you've just stumbled across
this show for the first time,

it's the third part of the eighth
episode in the seventh series,

and you're very, very welcome!

Yes, you are. Today our contestants
are playing for a mummified cat,

an offensive T-shirt,
and before the break,

there was a puzzle task
taking place.

How will Cambridge University
representative Phil Wang

and wise old sage Rhod Gilbert do?

This was in the microwave.
Now look in your pigeonhole.

E. Now look under the doormat.

That's not you, is it?
That's not what Greg calls you?

I'm not coming back in the room to
open them any more,

I realise it's time wasting.

Now look in the lab.

Lab.

Where's the little blue book?

Where's the little blue book?

Little blue book?

Is the little blue book in here,
is it?

Is it? Those aren't real books.

Is it on you? Why would it be on me?

I will strip search you if I don't
find this little blue book.

Ah!

Do you want to tell me where the
book is? Yeah?

It's where the books normally are.

Ah! Oh!

It says "S", and then in brackets,
"at the beginning."

Oh, God, what does that mean?

Ah...

Oh, I've thrown them everywhere.

Bollocks.

Oh, scream!

HE LETS OUT A SHORT SCREAM

You want me to scream?

Yes, please.

'Was that definitely a scream?
HE SCREAMS LONGER
Yeah, I'd say so.

Thank you. I'll stop the clock.

HE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

It seems to me,
every task to you is an opportunity

to get his trousers off.

And you're always wearing
pink underwear.

Or long johns! Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Dear, dear, dear.

Phil, I think you're a very
controlled man,

is what I thought during that.

You saw Rhod scream at the end,

that's a scream of desperation.

'And I think I'm going to give you
the opportunity on camera now to
really let a,

like a passionate, wild scream out.

HE SCREAMS LOUDLY

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Do you want some times? Yes, please.
He took nine minutes and 55.

Nine minutes and 55.
Of course he did.

'Rhod... He went out to the garden
and had a sniff of some flowers at
some point.

'Rhod took exactly the same amount of
time it takes me to prepare your bed
in the evening.

12 minutes and 51 seconds.

You like it so flat.
APPLAUSE

'Just show me a situation where
there's some creams at the
beginning, will you?

Well, it's James Acaster next. Is he
as good at solving riddles as he is

'at taking his pants off, shoving
them on a stick and singing a song
about it?

Let's find out.

A. Now look in your pigeonhole.

E. Now look under the doormat.

A, now look in the lab.

M. Now look in the little blue book.

S. Creams. At the...
Oh, at the beginning.

HE SCREAMS

APPLAUSE

I feel like that whole thing
was in real time.

That that's the fastest ever... It
was pretty much,

he'd already spotted the blue book
during another task.

He'd always been aware of the
surroundings.

You know the show more
than I know the show.

I love it, I'm a big fan.
That was a dream come true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

The time was three minutes 48.

APPLAUSE

So, the points are one point to
Rhod, two to Phil, three to Kerry,

four to Jess with her
five minutes 31,

and five points to James Acaster!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So with that, with that, Jess has
re-taken the series lead, it's going

hither and thither at this moment.

I feel like you're ready to hit us
with another task.

Oh, I am, and I'm glad I look ready,
because I am ready.

And for this one,
the contestants really had to learn

to compose themselves.

Ah!

Hi!

Hi, Alex. Oh.

Hi, Rhod. All right?

Hello. ALL: Hello.

Hello, James.

Compose the best 30 second
piece of music.

The best? Yes, please.

Oh, yes. Played into my hands here,
mate. Fuck you.

You have 20 minutes. Your time
starts now.

Oh, my God!

Can you play all of these
instruments?

We can play a mix of them.

I'm a percussionist myself.

'If you think of sticks at all...
They're fine. You're not a musician,
mate.

Um... What's that guy?

It's a melodica.
Oh, let's have a go of that.

HE PLAYS MELODICA

Well that's staying.

APPLAUSE

Uh, another one of your catchphrases
coming out there. "Fuck you."

Some of the others you've used
throughout the series,

"Fuck you." "Bebeh."
"I'm punk." "Suck it."

Just so you know.

Let's see...

A little bit more decorum when
you write music.

Who should we see first?

Well, just to say the musicians
would only do what they were told,

and we're going to
see James and Jess.

And Kerry and Phil.

And Rhod. All creating their pieces.
This is them composing. Lovely.

What sort of rhythm are we after?

Um...
I reckon you guys can just vamp

a 12 bar blues structure for a bit
and I'll try and think of a trump.

In the key of E minor,
so it's melancholy.

We're in Eastern Europe.

HE PLAYS A LONG NOTE

Do the Hendrix chord.

Right, here we go.

Here we go!

OK, yeah, so let's just jam.

You might need to give us a bit more
instruction. Oh, really?

A little match girl has
arrived at a house.

A little what? Match girl.

Play a bit of music that
sounds like this.

SHE HUMS A TUNE

HE REPEATS TUNE

HE IMITATES ROCK GUITAR

I've got to go, # Diddly-doo. #
And then you go,

# Diddly-doo. #
There we are.

'Now let's hear the matches. The
matches? Yeah, shake the box
properly, just to demonstrate.

MUTED GUITAR
What the fuck was that?

# Do-do-do do-do-do
do-do-do-do-do. #

# Ba! Da-da!

# Ba-ba-ba-ba. Da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da. # OK?

# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be
dingy-ding ding

# Boo-boo-boo, bo-dee-be
dingy-ding ding. #

# Ba-ba, beh-beh... #

# Do-do do-do do-do do... #

TUNE REPEATS ON INSTRUMENTS

That's pretty good!

I don't think I'm adding
anything with this.

I like it. Do you? Yeah.

OK. You're right.
It's my band anyway.

APPLAUSE

I quite fancy him.

'I hope you'll take this in the
spirit it is intended, Jess, but
sometimes

watching you is like watching an
episode of Sesame Street.

LAUGHTER

"We're writing a song!"

That's really who I am.

I don't know why you're laughing,
Kerry. What? "Diddly-do".

I mean, I cannot tell
you how excited I am

to hear these pieces of music.

OK, let's do it. The first movement

which we're going to hear today

is by Philip Wang.

We're Kill Phil with the
Yellow Blues.

One, two, three, four.

BAND PLAY 12 BAR BLUES

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

TRUMPET NOTE

SUSTAINED TRUMPET NOTE

Yeah!

APPLAUSE

'Did you essentially get some
talented musicians to play 12 bar
blues?

Uh, with a tune that I made up.

Did you hear the trumpet solo?

I heard the trumpet solo.

'It sounded like one of the band had
his mum turn up outside and she was
honking her horn.

Yeah, like how the blues was born!

I was told that you play the
trumpet.

I PLAYED the trumpet.

In that clip.

LAUGHTER

Uh, OK, we are off to an
absolutely terrible start.

What?!

'Let's see another wonderful piece of
music. Would you like to see the
lady sitting next to Phil? Yes. Yes.

OK, this is Kerry's effort.

The masterclass!

Here's my band,
Hokey-Cokey Goodtimes,

and it's called

Having A Great Time Any Time.

One, two, three, four.

BAND PLAYS SLOW, FOLKSY TUNE

APPLAUSE

I felt like a parent watching it.

Proud? Proud or ashamed>

I had to rush from the meeting
for the... Oh...

It was VERY GOOD, darling!

It was catchy.

It was a nice little tune,
and I did, it wasn't like a standard

blues riff, I mean, I composed it
from scratch.

No way.

It was... Brilliant.

Really good.

You know, it was vaguely engaging.

Who's next?

OK, we're going to see someone who
has genuinely been in these bands.

Pin Drop, Three Line Whip

The New Hardcore Skiffle Movement,

The Capri Sun Quartet and the Wow
Scenario. Yes, it's James Acaster.

APPLAUSE

We're Clump Stump, and this song is
called Over My Shoulder.

# Over my shoulder!

# Older and older!

# That's what I told ya!

# Over my shoulder!

# I'm getting colder!

# Is that a boulder?

# Over my shoulder

# Older and older

# That's what I told ya! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Can we dig down into what the
lyrics were about?

Cos I know what the spirit of punk
is all about. Yeah.

Not conforming, not fitting in,

not being told what to do by
The Man upstairs.

You've got to look over your
shoulder your whole life. Yeah.

Cos you never know who's
sneaking up on you. Yeah.

You can't trust no-one.

That's why I sing over my shoulder,

older and older.

That's what I told ya.

'Then you started getting, you said,
"I'm getting colder." Getting
colder.

'I'm getting colder. And then you
wondered if something was a boulder
or not. Is that a boulder?

Yeah. Is that a boulder?
That's a metaphor for what?

Like, is that a boulder? Yeah.

Or is it a big rock?

LAUGHTER

Right, it's the advertiser's turn
for some air time now,

but more music coming up
in part four,

'plus, who will win
Jessica Knappett's
Victorian Christmas cards?

It's nail-biting entertainment
television.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome, it's the final
part of the show,

and we're in the middle of a
toe-tapping musical task.

Indeed we are, Greg.
Armed with three talented musicians,

Kieron Towers, George Bismer,
and of course,

yes, it was Dan Edwards,

the contestants are
trying to compose

the best 30 second piece of music.

Next up, it's Jess.

Hi, we're the Easy Triangles,

and this is our new hit single.

Here I Am, I'm A Violin.

BAND PLAYS UP TEMPO VIOLIN TUNE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It strikes me that that jig -

would you call it a jig? Sure.

That jig is missing only one thing.

A jig. Someone to perform a
lovely dance to it.

Jig, jig, jig, jig!

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

APPLAUSE

Do you want me to conduct?

Yes.

Yes, please.

One, two, three, now!

JESS' TUNE PLAYS

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm sorry, Jess, I feel like we've
taken

the spotlight away from your
wonderful song.

No, please, all I ever wanted was
for the people to dance.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, Rhod Gilbert.
Here is Rhodri's tune.

This is the Ballad of
The Toothless Goon,

performed by The Little Match Girls.

'SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS
Eastern Europe.
We join our toothless goon

in an unassuming house, on an
unassuming street, where he sits

by an unlit fire.

He snores, deeply.

Fast asleep,
despite his cold and stony hearth.

Wait, what's this?
A knock at the door.

KNOCKING

The little match girl,
selling her wares.

'She can't get the toothless goon's
attention.
KNOCKING

So deeply does he sleep.

She shakes her matches and bangs the
door, and in her desperation

she decides to knock at the
window and shout.

(IN HIGH VOICE) Hi! Toothless goon!

Hello!

Toothless goon!

Despite her shouts of Toothless
goon, the goon sleeps so deeply

our little match girl decides to
come round

the back of the house and
put the window through!

But still, our goon, he sleeps.

MUSIC CONTINUES SLOWLY

Deeply and loudly.

He dreams of teeth in days gone by,

and a lit hearth. Our little match
girl approaches with her matches

and rests her hand

upon his slumbering shoulder.

Whereupon our goon wakes up
with a startle!

HE SCREAMS

Whizzes round and shoots her
shitting face off!

LAUGHTER

SAD NOTE

APPLAUSE

It's amazing how the last line
of a beautiful song

can rug-pull the rest of it.

Rhod's composition was operatic,

in that it felt like it
lasted about five hours.

LAUGHTER

How long did it last, actually,
Alex?

It lasted three times as long
as it should have.

A minute and a half.
A minute and a half.

Was it supposed to last
for 30 seconds? To be fair to Rhod,

it's a harder narrative to cram
into 30 seconds

than "some people play blues"

and "An irritated mother
honks her horn."

I'm not going to give anyone one
point, that's the good news.

Because I thoroughly enjoyed all
pieces of music.

You've been generous today.
I am being generous today.

I am only going to give
Phil two points,

because I think it'll encourage him
to really dig down

and learn the
trumpet properly next time.

I'm going to give Kerry three
points.

It was a very pretty tune.
Thank you.

I'm going to give Rhod four points,
as well as James, because

'I think that story is going to be
told for up to one month after this
show.

LAUGHTER

And the most complete piece of
music,

Jessica Knappett. Wow.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So let's see what that's done
to the scoreboard.

Well,
we have a three way tie for the lead

between James, Jess and Rhod,
they're all on 15!

APPLAUSE

Right, it's that time again, please,

head up to the stage for
the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

All on a lovely stage, who's going
to read the task? Rhod Gilbert.

Bob when you hear the surname
of a famous Bob.

LAUGHTER

That's a bob, is it?

Brilliant.

Pat when you hear the surname of a
famous Pat.

Kneel when you hear the surname
of a famous Neil.

Stew when you hear the surname
of a famous Stu.

Stew? Stu.

Do you mean stir?

Stew, the international sign
language...

Anybody want some stew?

And wane when you hear the surname
of a famous Wayne.

Like the moon, getting smaller,
like the moon.

Right. I love this.

If you do an incorrect action or
fail to do any action

within ten seconds of
hearing the name,

you're disqualified.

Last person correctly bobbing,

patting, kneeling, stewing

or waning, wins.

So, blindfolds on, please.

Good luck, everybody.

Greg will say a surname, you then
have ten seconds,

I will be counting the ten seconds.

At the end of that we see who's
though to the next round.

Good. Here we go.

Marley.

LAUGHTER

That's it, yeah.

OK, OK.

And that's ten seconds up, they have
all done the correct action.

I don't think Rhod Gilbert should be
congratulated for doing one bob.

Next one.

Armstrong.

LAUGHTER

James Acaster! James Acaster. James,
you must go back to the bench.

I was thinking about Lance!
I was going to lance somewhere!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sit on the bench.

First man on the moon!

There are four left.

Sleep.

Sleep?

Wang! Sit down!

Wang is out!

Come home. Come home, Wang.

Phil, that was Wayne Sleep.

Second man on the moon.

OK, here we go, next name.

This is going to sort to
wheat from the chaff.

Gretzky.

LAUGHTER

Gretzky? Gretzky.

Three seconds.
He's got to do something.

Oooh!

OK! I'm afraid we have lost Kerry
Godliman,

who referred to Pay Gretzky, who
does not play ice hockey.

Wayne Gretzky does.

I knew that!

So we have a play off now.

Holness.

Holness.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Oooh.

I'm afraid Jessica must sit down.

Argh!

Unfortunately, Stewart Holness
has retired.

The winner is, ladies and gentlemen,

Rhod Gilbert!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down, let's add that to the
total scores and see where we are.

'So, come on, scoreboard, that's got
to have really mixed things up.
It has.

This episode, it was close right to
the end, but thanks to Bob Holness,

the winner with 20 points

is Mr Rhod Gilbert!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Rhod is the winner of episode eight.

Rhod,
go collect your creepy clutter!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned if you're a lovely
little match girl,

living in poverty,

be careful who you're charitable to,

or you might get your shitting
face shot off.

See you next time for the
penultimate part of this series.

Thank you. Goodnight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media