Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 7, Episode 10 - He Was a Different Man - full transcript

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Come on! Yes!

Hello!

Thank you from me, Greg Davies.

'Welcome to Taskmaster Series Six
Grand Final. Nine weeks
of task bedlam are behind us

and the competitors have been ravaged
by the challenges along the way.

'Sure, I've judged these people
harshly and, sure, I've made some
terrible, grossly unfair decisions,

'but that is my right.
We're not done yet, though.
There are plenty more tasks to tackle

'before one player becomes
the rightful owner of this, the most
beautiful trophy in the world.

So here we go. Please, give them
a hand-shattering round of applause.

Your five heroic finalists are...

Alice Levine!



Asim Chaudhry!

Liza Tarbuck!

Russell Howard!

And Tim Vine!

'And here, potentially for the last
time ever depending on
his performance tonight,

he's got a beard and that's about it,
it's little Alex Horne!

'Here we go. Two minutes of
razor-sharp banter from me and Alex
and we'll get into the show. OK.

'I'm ready. For the final. Yes.
Anything could happen. Isn't it
exciting having a lovelyfinal?

It's nerve-racking,
hence I'm wearing a seatbelt.

Just for safety.

'Hey, Alex, before we start,
what's the overall series score?
The overall series score? Mm.

'There are two areas
where it's tight. Alice and Asim
have 136 and 137 points.

At the to... Sorry,
the very bottom of the leaderboard.

'Russell then on 158,
Tim on 162, Liza on 171 -
nine points ahead at themoment.



Very nice.

Go on. What's the prize category
for this big, shiny final?

'We've asked them to bring in
their least appropriate accessory
for a wedding. OK.

Off we go. Liza...
It's a sandwich board.

'It's quite big and cumbersome.
You can't sit in it. It'll catch
everyone's eye and make a stir.

Well, let's have a look. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

I don't know.
I've yet to wed - hard to believe -

but if Liza Tarbuck turned up
with a sign saying "I love Tom Hanks"

'I'd argue
it might enhance my wedding a bit.
Russell, what did you bring?

Uh...I...a divorce lawyer.

LAUGHTER
Yeah.

'Gift vouchers for a divorce lawyer.
That would be pretty inappropriate
to take to a wedding.

How are you going to
accessorise that?

I am just going to wear that.

That's going to upset people.
Just shouting, "Tick tock!"

Good accessory. Alice Levine?

'I think the best accessory would be
a positive pregnancy test belonging
to the mother of thebride.

There it is.

'She's a prankster. She's up for it.
I don't know how old.
A woman in her...?

'Late 60s, early 70s? Late 60s.
And you're going to what -
pin it to her back?

She's going to wear it
instead of a corsage.

'Would you like to see Asim
Chaudhry's? Asim has yet to win
an episode, but there's one left.

Let me ask you a question, Greg.
Have you been to an Indian wedding?

'I have been to an Indian wedding.
I had a right old time. Good,
but in Hounslow? I haven't. OK.

'Weddings can get rowdy in Hounslow.
So my least appropriate thing -
it's quite inappropriate -

is also essential and it is...

Nunchucks!
LAUGHTER

And you're going to wear these
to the wedding? Yes, I have before.

'I did a little choreographed
drunk Bhangra dance.
What? Off your own bat?

Yeah. And got thrown out.

Ah!

It was a sick night.

OK, who's next? Tim! Tim Vine.

'There's a product you may not be
familiar with called a Waspinator.
When puffed up slightly,

it looks like a wasp nest
and discourages wasps from nesting.

So to stop wasps from nesting
in my trousers... Right.

..I would wear a Waspinator belt.
Here it is.

It looks like you're about to do
a very blue elephant gag.

Which would be very inappropriate.

I've been to 24 weddings
wearing the Waspinator belt.

And it was inappropriate
at 21 of them.

The three it wasn't inappropriate at
was Sting's wedding...

Come on! There's two more.
Yeah. At least.

Buzz Aldrin...

and BB King.

How inappropriate do you think it is,
Alex Horne-t?

Beautiful! Wonderful!

I've got gears. Wonderful.

OK, here we go. One point -
I would genuinely like Liza Tarbuck

'to demonstrate her love for Tom Hanks
at my wedding. Two points -
come on, Waspinator! Rubbish!

'Three points - my mother-in-law
shouldn't be pregnant.
Four points - Russell Howard.

'And five points,
because I want to see it,
it's Asim "Nunchuck" Chaudhry.

Alex, make a lovely task play.
Only if you say the magic word.

Oh...chimp!

Sick.

'Hi, Russell. Hello.
Is this your sort of thing?
Looks like it. I thought so.

I hate bowling.
It puts me in such a bad mood.

OK.
"Knock over the fewest skittles.

"You may place one item
on each of the three ramp sections.

"Or you may place two items
on one of the ramp sections.

"Your items must be found
on this table...

"..and may not include either you
or the table."

Brain fried. "You may not tamper
with the balls or the ramp.

"The bowling balls will be released
in five minutes."

I can't do anything to these?
No, thank you.

'One in each section or two...
in one section and one in the other,
you mean? No.

And I can't add anything?
That's good.

So the choice is either one in each
section or two in one section?

That's all I've got? They will be
released in five minutes. Good luck.

'I hate bowling as well.
Awful, isn't it? Awful.
I go with my nieces.

'It seems to be OK for small children
to have a ramp to throw their bowls
down and they have side things...

'Buffers. ..to stop the ball going
down the thing. And then I have to
fucking high five them! What?!

'Let's crack on. We'll start
with two people whose names are
palindromes of each other -

it's Asim and Misa. Weird.

I think that might be
the best route.

It has to be the water. It's heavy.

Put it right in the middle.

Oh, my legs!

Two minutes.

I would re-read the task one more
time to make sure you have it right.

I think this is a good plan here.

So I'm two items more
than I need to be. I think so.

Oh, so only two items?

'Is that one item or three
now that his leg's come off?
That's one? Yes. OK.

That's one, too?

Cor, what's in that?

OK? You happy with that?
I'm happy. Within the rules.

'I can't think what would be...
I've just got to risk it
for a biscuit. Yeah.

Wait. I'm going to release the balls
in 15 seconds. "One item only..."

I can only have two at once on one.

Ten seconds. Is that right?
So that's wrong?

Five. Four. I've shit my ring.

Good luck. I don't think it'll work.

'They did not break the rules,
either of them. If the legs
fell apart, it's still one thing.

They both set it up correctly.
Shame about the last-minute panic.

'It felt like this was Asim's
most focused. Straight in,
then a little panic and you said...

"Shit my ring."
LAUGHTER

No, my ring literally fell off!

Not my arsehole.

'Are you ready to see what happened
when I released the balls?
Yes. I think I mightknow.

OK.
They used mannequins and buckets.

I'm now going to release the balls.

That's not good.

Yeah, that's not good.

Good luck, Liza.
What's that finger thing for? Grip.

I'm releasing the balls.

Bugger!

A bit rubbish.

Nice of both contestants to do my job
for me. "That's not good." "Rubbish."

Job done.

'What are the scores for Asim
and Liza? They both knocked over
my previous ages - Liza, 23.

Asim, 28. So Liza in the lead
at this stage. Oh, right.

Time to take a break.
See you on the other side.

Hello and welcome back.
Now where were we?

Skittles, Greg. For a change, knock
over as few skittles as possible.

'We twist, we twist!
We can look at Russell's now.
Russell and Alice.

And Tim.

This feels good, but how wide is it?

That's an annoying width.
Almost like you planned it.

This is mainly because
I've seen it in the cartoons.

I'm going to release the balls
in ten seconds. Ten?

I feel I've read something wrong.

Three, two, one.
I'm releasing the balls.

'I'm excited.
There's two rope systems going on,
rope and drainpipe going on.

There's the brilliant system
of a flat, wet, cardboard box.

'And it's not like you just did that.
You also put down the vitally
important banana skins.

'So that the balls would...
Yeah. "Oh, what's happened to me?
I won't get anything down now."

Ready for the release? Yeah.
Here we go.

Good luck, Russell. Thank you.

I'm releasing the balls.

Oh!

Shit! Bollocks!

Come on!

That's not been a great success.

That's been an absolute
flippin' disaster!

That is a flippin' disaster!

'You tried the same sort of idea
with rope. I thought your rope
plus the tubing was really good.

'Looked great until the balls
arrived! She knocked over
the same as Asim - 28 skittles.

Remember Liza did 23.
She's in the lead at the moment,

but Russell knocked over
20 skittles. He's in the lead.

'But... But. ..Tim knocked over 33,
so he's the loser on the task.
The loser. Nightmare.

So one point to Tim,
joint third was Asim and Alice,

then four points to Lisa
and five points to Russell Howard!

Hey, Alex, how's the scoreboard?

'That victory has put him in
the lead, one point ahead of Asim.
Russell has nine to Asim's eight.

APPLAUSE

What's next? We have a task involving
long-distance extinguishing,

like when you split up over text,
but with a candle. OK?

Oh, God.

'Oh, dear. This is intimidating.
Why's that? It looks half-sports
day, half-classic murderer's kit.

"Blow the candle out from the
furthest distance." What candle?

"The furthest from the candle wins.
You may not relight the candle.

"You have a maximum of ten minutes."
Where's the candle?

Oh.

Classic murderer's kit?
Starter's kit.

The vacuum and double drainpipe
murderer. So, blow the candle out.

'How hard can it be to blow out
a candle? Russell How-hard can it be
to blow out a candle?

Here is Russell How-hard.

Lots of these straws.
That could be quite a good thing.

These are just fun to hit anyway.

I can't think of another way, Alex,
so I'm just going to blow it.

FIERCE HONKING

CHEERING

Thank you, Russell.

Where can we start?

'It's not unfair to say Russell Howard
has been the most athletic member
of this series.

'There's something strangely
humanising about seeing you
as that sad, stiff-nosed elephant,

just grunting at a flame.

'You know in Fantasia
when all the things come alive?
# I can help you clean... #

They were all looking at me like...

What about you, Hoover?
"On your own, mate."

'It was like an unhelpful Narnia.
He said at one point,
"I'd back myself with a big pipe."

'He eventually shouted the candle out
from the length of a big pipe -
two metres 85.

'Yeah, well, not a bad start.
Who's next? Remember we paired up
the palindromes? We did it again.

It's Liza and Azil. Here we go.

'I've got an idea and it's really
simple. I think it could be the best
idea I've ever had inmy life.

All I need is this.

Bugger it. I'll never get that off.

'I didn't see that. Henry?
Yeah, but it sucks, doesn't it?
It doesn't blow.

Why would that be a problem?

It's not very long, is it?

LAUGHTER

Is that the end of the string?
Yeah. Here we go.

Oh, shit. It's stuck.

APPLAUSE

Let's shove Henry up that. Ooh.

Oh, sod off.

WHISTLE

'You continued with your Tom Hanks
obsession by doing a Forrest Gump...
I did. Just keep running.

'She ran for 15 minutes...
through a graveyard
and then she hid behinda car.

I didn't. I went and hid in a river.
Then I had to come back to the car.

It was the most idiosyncratic
moment we've ever had.

You were frightened, weren't you?
And the candle didn't go out?

'No, eventually some people had
a yoga class, so we had to
blow it out. We did, yeah.

'Let's get on to Asim. I've never seen
confidence like that from you.
"I know exactly what I'll do

"and all I need is this."
Almost smug, and I enjoyed it.

Good. He pulled it from 29.5 metres
so he's in the lead at the moment.

Very good. Would you believe it?
We are halfway through the final.

Not only will someone take home
a coupon for a divorce lawyer,

'some nunchucks and a used pregnancy
test, but the series champion will be
awarded a mighty, intelligent head.

Exciting, right? Yes! See you soon.

Hello! Welcome back to the final.
I feel so alive!

Alex, over to you to bring each
viewer up to speed individually.

OK. Hi, everyone.

'Our quintet have been
trying to blow a candle out
from the greatest distance.

The last two people we'll see are,
of course, Tim and Alice Levine.

Can I have some cutters?
The kitchen's all yours.

'Right, I can tell you straight away
that I do not think there's
any value in these things here.

These are total red herrings.
OK, I'll write that down.

I'm as likely to do it from here...

as down that pipe there.

These, however, are the future.

Fold once, fold twice,

tuck it in. Test.

You've got five minutes, Alice.
Jesus! Are you joking?

There's no reason
why that's not working.

Can you go to the other end and tell
me if you feel me breathing on you?

Yes.

No, really. Put it down again.
Put "it" down again?

Put that face thing down again.

You're a liar! You can't feel that.
Want to swap? Yeah, OK.

OK, that's quite good. OK.

That works!

OK, look, OK...
Now we're talking. Right.

Where's the end of the hose?

How long have I got?
Not long. Oh, Jesus.

Thank you, Tim. I should have
taken it a bit further. Bums!

Thank you, Alice. Thank you.

'Great theory from both of you.
Great application. I don't understand
why you worked out

'that the hose did work...
It was almost like seeing how close
you could get with a massive hose.

And creeping closer and closer.
It stopped working.

The aim was just missing the flame.
That's all it was. Really?

Really. Tim... Yes.

'Why wasn't it coming out of
the straws? I don't know.
The hose genuinely surprised me.

I think we all saw that.

And your child-like glee
at it working was a delight.

Folded it once, folded it twice,
tucked it in and tested. Every time.

Do you want some numbers? Do I!
Yes, do you? Yes. Good, OK.

'Alice was the same length
as the longest-ever moose -
3.5 metres. Oh!

Tim, who folded it once, twice,
tucked it in and tested it...

It's a system that doesn't work.

That meant he got my lucky number,
13.8 metres.

But nowhere near Asim's 29 metres,
which... Listen. Here we go.

'He didn't really blow it out.
I like the guy and want to see him
win, but I respect therules.

Passive aggression!

It would be remiss not to bring it
up. It was a tug, not a blow.

LAUGHTER

'We chatted about it and decided
it was the movement of air over
the flame. I've never backed down

to the concerns of contestants
before. Asim wins. Leave it as it is.

Five points!

Liza didn't blow the candle out
at all. Does she get any points? No.

'Zero to Liza. Russell was next
with two points, Alice three,
Tim four. Asim gets fivepoints!

'It's not my last task, is it, Alex?
I'm sorry to say it is,
but to combat the sadness

we end with the most powerful
feeling of them all - love.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Asim.

'How are you all?
We're all well, thank you, Tim.
Something wrong with that mirror.

No, it's a picture of Greg.

'"Tell the Taskmaster you love him
in the most meaningful way.
You've got half an hour from now."

In the most meaningful way?

It's not telling, is it, love?
It's showing.

'Actions speak louder than words,
so I probably have to do more
than just pay lip service to this.

For this lovely man here.

This lovely man here.

Would you like to see how Asim chose
to show you his affection? Yes.

OK, then.

Do we have a keyboard in the house?
We do?

BACKING TRACK PLAYS

TRACK CHANGES

Listen, Greg...

# Uh, uh, listen, Greg

# Listen, Greg,
I love you like Greggs the bakery

# We go together
like steak and cheese

'# Yeah, yeah, y'all
It's a love letter
No one can love you better

# His name is Greg
He's all in my head

# He's the Taskmaster
Beating my heart faster

# Tall motherfucker with ivory hair

# I dreamt about this house
Now I'm finally here

'# To be near you, Greg
In that gorgeous palace
Listen, mate

# You've given me the horn
like Alex

'# I might sound crazy like raisins
But Greg Davies
I wanna have your babies

# I wanna have your babies

# Listen, Greg
I love you like Greggs the bakery

# We go together
like steak and cheese. #

CHEERING

Pretty good.

Asim, I tell you,
I am nearly 40 years of age...

LAUGHTER

'Not laughing. And I can, hand
on heart, say - and I mean this
outside of my role on this show,

'"The tall motherfucker
with the ivory hair," is the nicest
thing anyone's ever said to me.

'It's nice because rap music has
a history of homophobia
and bad vibes, but...

if this can come out of it,
maybe rap's moved on tonight.

I'm glad you liked it.
It was creepy and adorable.

'I like it too much.
It's going to take some beating.
Well, up next are Russell and Tim.

LAUGHTER

'Can we find out what his hobbies
are? In this article, he discusses
his hobbies and love of food. Go on.

'If he had half an hour left on Earth
he would sit in his mum's garden
and smoke a cigarette.

Have you got a picture of
his mother? I might dress up as her.

What are you thinking? Um...

I could try and seduce his mum
and then not, at the last moment,

'as a way of showing Greg how much
our friendship means to me,
by not having sex with his mum.

'So in this half an hour,
you're not going to have sex
with Greg's mum? Yeah.

Mrs Davies. Aww.
..She's on the right, yeah? Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

WHISTLE

Hi, Russell. Time up. Did you make
love to Greg's mum at all? Nope.

'I like to imagine she was at home
in Shropshire, watching Loose Women,
utterly unbothered.

Very kind of you. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Hello, Greg! It's your mum.

From Shropshire.

I just want to say that Tim Vine
loves you very much, as do I.

You're my favourite child.

CHEERING

'I don't know what to say.
Are you feeling loved up?
I don't know that I am,

although I thank Tim Mum
for clearing up one thing -

'I always knew I was the most popular
child, so if my sister's watching,
fuck you!

It's not that easy for me to say
this, but it's the end of Part Three.

'After the break, there's the end
of the love task, the final studio
task and the trophy ceremony!

'Be a good audience and try
to hold it together until then!
Thank you. See you in a moment.

Hello and welcome back
to Taskmaster Series Six grand final!

'It's the last part of the show,
so time to shatter some dreams
and make some come true.

Wasn't everyone saying
how much they love me?

We can't help it, Greg. It's Alice's
turn to share her true feelings.

What gesture of love
would he appreciate? God...

What about sky writing?
Yeah, that's what I'm going to do.

'You think he'll like this, Alice?
Does he like impressive penmanship
and really creative ideas

and excellently executed things?
Then, potentially, yeah.

'Is it all coming together?
I think so. It's its maiden,
and probably only, voyage.

But I'm confident.

Goodbye, my precious.

I love you, Greg.

Well, do I like excellent penmanship?
Yes, I do.

Good! Do I like animation? Yes.
Loo rolls and planes? Yes, I do.

Do I love heavily-caveated
declarations of love?

Yes, I do.

Here's my logic.
You don't like insincerity.

'I caveated it for your benefit.
Thank you. I feel like it will grow
into a full love,

but at the moment it's purely
professional. You've missed the boat

as I've signed up
to Asim's love train.

'Who's next?
Well, finally, really and truly
finally, it's Liza Tarbuck.

Could I do something and sort of
transpose one thought into an action

'and ask you to take his place
for it? And then tell him
how it felt. Mm-hm.

'You can decided whether it's
meaningful love or it isn't.
Absolutely. Stop the clock.

I've got a good idea. What I need
is a cake around this size,

'and confectioner's custard.
Then I'm going to ask you
to take yourself somewhere private

and put your bare arse into it.

Now are we clear what you're up to
here? OK. I'm ready.

'I hope you enjoy this. It might be
the only time you put your bare arse
into a cake.

All right. You all right? Yeah.

Trousers down. Good.

Right, here I go. You ready?

Yes!

I'm in!

Ah! Enjoy it for a bit longer.
I think I've had enough.

Oh...

Eugh!
GROANS

What did that feel like? It felt
like nothing I'd ever felt before.

It was so...in me.

Thank you.

SHE LAUGHS

I felt so dirty!

He was a different man, weren't you?
For the rest of the week.

He really, really was.

Well...

Your plan was to show your love for
me vicariously, through my assistant.

If that was love, it turns out
I've not been in love before.

I recommend it. I recommend it, too.
I recommend doing it once.

'Yeah. It's got to be the right sort
of chair. Because of the angle
of the squatting, I was open...

GROANS

'There were fewer profiteroles
than there were at the start.
Your greedy bottom!

Wow. That is love. I really love
all of you as well. Thank you.

Whilst I'm grateful that Russell
didn't have sex with my mum,

I don't think it was ever really
a danger. One point to Russell.

Oh, God, so difficult.

Alice, I'm sorry. Two points.
But the penmanship...

I can't think of a reason
other than it wasn't a real plane.

'Two to Alice. It's only because
I've got a real mum that I'm not
going to accept you as mynew mum.

'I give you three points. OK.
And it says something that I am
genuinely struggling to debate...

between sitting on a cake

and having another man run
his fingers through my ivory hair.

I'm going to give them both
five points. Yes.

'Ladies and gentlemen, thank you
for everything you've done for me
so far.

'Now, please, for the final time,
make your way up to the stage
for the final task of theseries!

'Here we go. The big one.
Who will read it out? Russell?
Russell. Russell Howard.

'"Display a number. You get one
rosette if your number is higher
than the person's on your right,

"and one if it lower
than the person's on your left.

'"If you display the same number as
someone else, lose them all. Most
rosettes after three rounds wins."

It's very complicated
and may not be fun.

'Lower than the person on your left,
higher than the person
on your right. Come on!

Please choose your numbers.
Don't display them yet.

Alice, what's your number?
Fourteen. OK, everyone, wait.

Asim, we're looking for a number
higher than fourteen. We have...86.

They both get rosettes. OK.

Can we have a number higher than 86?
No. 35.

Ohhh!

We're looking for higher than 35.
Get ready, baby.

67 is higher. You both get rosettes.
Pin it on the donkey!

What's mine got to be?
Higher than 67 and lower than...

What's yours, Alice? 14.
Oh, difficult.

Higher than 67 and lower than 14.

Well, it's a very dramatic eight.

'It's lower than 14.
You get one and Alice gets one.
I knew that was going tohappen(!)

That is the end of Round One. Wow!

'OK. Now we do it again...
This is going to catch on, innit?
Yeah.

Please, choose your numbers.

Hello, Alice. Hello.
What is your number?

My number is still 14.

Oooh. Clever!

Is your number higher than 14, Asim?
31. They both get rosettes!

Oh, yay!

Steady.
Is your number higher than 31, Liza?

Back in. Back in the game!

'That's all right. We're looking for
a number higher than 39.
Rack 'em up, baby!

'I thought you'd finished
all your catchphrases. We're now
looking for a number higher than 78

and lower than 14! Me and Alice have
got an agreement. I went with eight.

OK, so you get another one
and Alice gets another one.

With... Just let me.
OK. With one...

Now it goes to
the single digit phase. Oh!

We would like a zero first.
Not zero zero.

If you have the same number,
you lose all your rosettes.

What's your number, Alice? Nine.
It's very high!

We want higher than nine,
but not nine.

Six. No rosettes,
but they don't lose their rosettes.

A number higher than six?

Wow!

Higher than seven, not six or nine.

Uh...

AUDIENCE GROANS

Well, well, well.

Asim is looking good. Tim,
higher than seven, lower than nine.

It is possible.
Yeah, it IS possible!

I did eight for the last two.
Oh, you did!

I am a creature of habit!

Five.

My number is lower than Alice's,
so I get a rosette. He does.

And your number was higher than
Tim's, so you get... Don't. OK.

'Those are the final scores.
Alice five, Asim four, Tim three
and the others zero.

'Let's add those to the final scores
and see how it's affected the grand
finale. Come and join me down here!

CHEERING

Well, hello there.
So how did that go?

Already people all over the country
are playing the game.

Liza and Russell got zero points,
followed by Tim who got three,

'Asim four, but Alice nailed it
with five rosettes! Five rosettes!
CHEERING

Would you like the final scores
of the episode? Oh, yes!

OK. Well, only one person made it
into the twenties tonight

and that person, you can see here,
was... Oh, my word. Asim Chaudhry!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Asim Chaudhry wins Episode Ten!
Huge congratulations
for being so brilliant.

'Please vacate that seat
and gather your haul of inappropriate
wedding accessories!

The mighty Asim Chaudhry!

Oh, hello.

'Hello again, you wonderful, loyal
people. We've climbed the Taskmaster
series mountain to thesummit

and all for this -
this mystical trophy.

'It's now that I hand over
to my faithful assistant, Alex Horne,
to reveal the final scores.

That feels good. I can imagine.

First of all, by which I mean last,
Alice Levine had 152 points,

which is a lot of points.
A lot of points.

Asim Chaudhry, 159!

Russell Howard, 170!

There were just six points
separating them at the end. Ooh.

In second place, with 175 points...

it's Tim Vine.

My learned friends, your Series Six
Taskmaster Champion is...

Liza Tarbuck!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.

Thank you, sir.

That's it, then. Series Six is
complete. Thank you for watching.

'Thanks to our contestants
and vast congratulations to Liza
for becoming the Series Champion!

See you again very soon!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media