Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 7 - Roadkill Doused in Syrup - full transcript

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Ooh-hoo-hoo!

Oh...!

SHE LAUGHS, HE SIGHS

Come on!

Yeah!

Erm...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and a warm, warm welcome
to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies,
and this is my head.

Never have five incongruous
comedic personalities ever wanted

something so badly in their lives.



They want it so much that each of
them has an empty awards shelf

waiting for this beaut
to take its place - probably.

Your five potentially award-winning
contestants are...

..Alice Levine.

APPLAUSE

Asim Chaudhry.

Liza Tarbuck.

Russell Howard.

And Tim Vine.

And next to me, a man who wafts into
the studio like he's Lord Lucan.

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: Oh, here he is,
it's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh, you're wearing glasses.
I am. I've got some glasses. OK.

Because I want to be more like you.
These are special glasses, though.



There they are. Ready? Yeah!

So, these have got...

They've got mirrors so I can
look just like a normal guy,

but, actually, I'm looking
down here.

You ready? I can read from this.
Yeah. Ready? Yeah. OK.

I actually have great vision and
really good coordination,

but these are special glasses
with mirrors in

which means even though I'm just...

I can see that.

I know for a fact you're going to
read of an autocue in a second,

and I insist that they stay on.

Really?

Yeah, that's backfired, hasn't it?

Well, according to my watch...

..it's time for the prize task.

'This week we've asked them
to bring in the scariest thing from
their kitchen.

There are five points for the person
who's brought in the scariest thing.

At the end of the show,
whoever wins the show

goes home with
five scary kitchen items.

What a prize haul this is going to
be. Alice, may we start with you.

The scary thing I have brought
from my kitchen

is some ham that I left out
in the sun.

Are you ready to see Alice's smelly,
sweaty ham? Yes.

Good. Here it is. Oh...

I don't think there's anything
scarier than biting into a sandwich

that's been left out to more
than room temperature...

Well, I'm sorry, there is something
scarier than that. Is there?

Werewolves.
Being attacked by a bear was one.

No, but I think you know
what's going to happen there.

With the ham sandwich, that's
a ticking time bomb. You don't know.

I'd rather take my risk with
a bit of minor food poisoning

than having my face bitten off.

Asim?

This is the most terrifying piece
of fan art

I've ever seen in my life.

Let's have a look.

I look like a demented samurai.
Yeah.

Could you just recreate
that expression for me?

It's better than you think!
It is uncanny, actually, yes.

So then, what I've done, is...

I eat late night, which is really
bad, and you get up and you go...

So I put it on my fridge
to stop me from eating,

cos it's genuinely terrifying.

But judging by the clearly visible
food stains on the art,

it hasn't worked, you've obviously
thought, "No, I can get past this."

Yeah, yeah, I still go...

Cos you've sprayed some sauce
on the top of that picture. Yeah.

It hasn't worked. Who's next?

Russell Howard. Russell Howard.
Welcome.

So, my girlfriend has got a thing
called a doggy cam

where she can spy on the dog
when she wants from work,

which now means she can also spy
on me... Yeah...

..whenever she wants.

The other day,
I was scratching my arse.

Suddenly I got a text of a photo
of me scratching my arse

that said, "Busy, are we?"

Tim.

I have some kitchen cupboards
in my kitchen,

and they've got slightly...dodgy
hinges. Right.

And there's one particular one
and sometimes open it,

the hinge goes, and it'll go
bang, like that, on your head.

And it's a proper shocker
when it happens.

It's scary, it really, really hurts.

He's just got a bad hinge, right?
Yeah. I'll show you it.

Yeah, yeah, let's have a look at it.
Here it is.

GREG SCREAMS

Are you OK? Yeah. How times has
this hit you on the head?

Well, certainly twice. But...

Well, Tim, thank you so much
for bringing a bad-hinged door

in as your prize, and thus making
your new kitchen tax-deductible.

It's true, yeah.

Very clever, my friend.
Very clever.

APPLAUSE
Liza.

I want to be honest about
this fear cos it gets me

every time I get
the food blender out.

That when you are julienning
the potato,

that just one day you'll just
have that, "Pardon? Argh!"

And then you've done your finger.
Yeah.

So you've just brought
a food processor.

But again, it's physical pain,
isn't it?

If I were you, I'd just...

Liza almost made us forget
the fact that you've

brought a cupboard door in -
just for a second.

Are we going to see a picture
of your food processor?

But there's a hint of a finger...
Yeah. Oh... Oh...

That is grotesque. Yeah.

The idea of losing a finger in...
Blergh!

Right, have you judged the prizes?
OK, here we go.

See if we can all guess
who's in last place.

What? I'm not scared of
your cupboard door, Tim Vine!

1 point.

I have got a strong constitution,

as you know, and I am regularly
gobbling clammy ham. OK?

So 2 points to Alice Levine.

I'm actually putting
Liza's food processor...

If it was a real severed finger,
she'd have taken the top spot. Aw...

The threat was there, so I'm giving
her 3 points. 3 points to Liza.

Asim's thing scared the life out of
me - 4 points. Wow.

And I think the fact that
Russell's girlfriend is clearly

spying on him is
both creepy and scary.

5 points to Russell Howard.
There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very good. Can we please have
our first task proper.

OK, we've got a sport of sorts,
of course. Ready? Yeah. Here it is.

Hello. Hello, Asim. Hey, man.

Hi, Russell. Hello.

Rugby, eh?

There's a task somewhere.
Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, it's there. Yeah.

I'll just take my shirt off
for this, I think.

Coming in.

"Knock the bails off the stumps."

"You've got a maximum of one over.

Don't know what that is.

Which is a throw.
An over is six throws.

Which is six...
That's what I was going to say,

which is a throw times six,
if you'd let me finish.

"You must make your attempts
from behind this stump."

"No stumps may be moved."

"Fastest wins."

"Your time starts now."

But I don't have a ball.

I do have loads of balls.

So, they had to knock off
the bails from 22 yards,

which is the length of
10 queen-size beds,

or 10 king-size beds
cos you do it width wise...

Yeah. ..so it doesn't matter it
it's queen or king.

Obviously they had balls provided,
but this is series six,

so they're not just going
to grab the balls and throw.

I haven't seen these, but anyone who
just grabbed the balls

and threw them, that would be
an act of madness. Stupid. I agree.

I have to make a really quick
phone call. So I'll be right...

Are they stumps? Yes, they're
stumps. Yeah, I thought so.

Good.

AUDIENCE: Oh...!

If I create, like, buffers, like
this, so it can't roll off... Mmm...

It'll be like at a bowling alley.
Those are buffers.

It's not really going
to be enough buffer.

What did you think was going
to happen, Alice?

That. That's what I planned.

Fuck!

That's shit.

A slight wind that way.

Aw...!

There's not enough wind.
I thought it'd curl a bit more.

Yeah, that's what I wanted
to happen, so that's good.

APPLAUSE

It was a straightforward approach.
Mmm...

But I would argue, that after five
had gone really badly, I thought,

"He's going to come up
with something else here."

I just panic. Whenever there's,
like, a time situation, it's like

fastest time wins, I just
don't think, I just act and...

Don't think - just act?
Don't think - just act.

He missed in just 1 minute 50,
so very fast.

What was going on with you?
It was disappointing at best.

I wrote down a hypothesis during it.
Oh, great.

And my hypothesis is this -

Alice did no better than if she had
put all of those balls onto a tray

and dropped the tray.

That's, in fact, a better method.

Yeah, no score after 10 minutes
and eight seconds.

It was a slow failure, that one.
Gosh. Yeah. Both rubbish.

Who's next?

Next up is Tim Vine,
RKA The Stump. RKA?

Rarely Known As.

But I'm not going to use... I'm
allowed over here, aren't I? Yes.

Just want to have a little look...
Don't move any stumps, please.

No, no, I'm not going
to move anything.

Who's tied this string
to this bit here? Right, hang on...

Right. Come on, Vine,
it matters. Right...

Right...

Lovely knot. Thank you.

Stop the clock. That was great.
Thank you, Tim.

I have got one question.

You had six balls there. I know.

You'd give a couple of chucks
first? I should have, yeah, yeah.

Well, it worked an absolute treat,
didn't it? Yeah.

The time was 2 minutes
and 28 seconds.

Bad light has stopped play
for part one, but fear not,

Russell and Liza are next in to bat

right after
these incredible commercials.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Look at the state of you,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're in the middle of a sporting
task, and Alex would love to

remind you about what's happened
so far, wouldn't you?

More than anything, Greg.

Yes, our contestants
are simply trying to

knock off the bails
from some stumps.

So far, Asim and Alice did
what's known in cricket as awfully.

But Tim Vine used ingenuity
and is currently in the lead.

Next up is RADA graduate
Liza Tarbuck.

Oh, that was close, wasn't it?

METAL DRUM CLATTERS

It's the stuff of dreams.

Now, I can put that there,
but I've got to stay here...

Bloody idiot. OK...

Too right!

AUDIENCE: Oh...!

Bloody...idiot!

Right...

Oh, it's going.

I tell you what, whether it likes it
or not, it's going. Come on!

Bosh! Have that!

Thank you, Liza.
Thank you very much.

Presumably you knew that you'd
broken the rules by... Yeah.

..pushing a giant oil drum into
some bails and then shouting -

and I have written this down, Liza -
"Bosh! 'Ave it!"

Do you know,
competing and completing

is always such
a good feeling, isn't it?

Let's compete, let's complete.
Bosh, 'ave it.

Right, who's next? The final person,
it's Russell Howard's attempt.

Russell Howard. Russell Howard.
He's a sportsman.

First time, I reckon.

There you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Call me when I'm needed.

Difficult not to be impressed,
I suppose.

I guess you were also delighted
by Russell's skills.

You will have missed his outline,

which was,
"Call me when I'm needed."

I've never done that before.
It was exhilarating.

It's a lot easier
hen there's no batsman.

Come on, give me some points.

He took a So Solid 21 seconds.

A So Solid? Yeah.

And I know all the lyrics
to 21 Seconds To Go.

Alex actually does know all the
lyrics. Well, I sort of do.

LAUGHTER

"Thug of the family. You could I be?

"M with the A to the C, that's me.

"Still thuggin'..." See, I know
all the lyrics. Yeah, yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Let's get back to the game, shall
we? OK. Zero points to Alice...

Yeah. ..Asim and Liza.
That's correct.

4 to Tim,
and 5 to Russell Howard.

Boom! Boom!

You look like you want to show me
the scoreboards, Alex.

It's the first of the show,
and Russell Howard is on 10,

Tim's next, on 5.

Right, good. There we go.

Next, we have some mysterious art.

Hello, mate. Oh, hello, Asim.

All right, petal? Yes, thank you.

Art. I'm worried already.

Oh, I like this already.
I like felt tips.

Let's get cracking.

"Draw a picture of the contents of
this box.

"You may not open the box
or look inside."

"Also, you get a bonus point
if you can name the person

"represented by
the contents of the box.

"You've got 10 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

I'm not allowed to...
I can put my hand in, can I?

There's a hole in the side.

"You may not open the..."
Ah, you see! I... Come on!

Right, hand goes in.

I'm allowed to shove
me hand up it, am I?

Interesting celebration.

You realised you were allowed
to put your hand in the box.

I had a feeling I've made
a real mess of this.

Oh, I'm almost certain that's
the case.

Good. Let's see some stuff.

OK, so they're trying to paint
the contents of the box. Yes.

They couldn't see the contents,

and they also had to work out the
celebrity that linked the contents.

This is them painting.

So, what have we got?

Oh...!
SHE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS

What is that? It's sopping wet.

Eurgh...

HE SNIFFS

Oh, why is it so viscous?

Wet.

That's... That's like
a dead squirrel.

There's a thing that feels like
roadkill doused in syrup.

Feels like there's a hat
with an animal tail.

A wet fur hat.

Eurgh... Oh, what's that?

And then, in the middle,
there's what can only be

described as
something not safe for broadcast.

Or is it a trombone?

OK, there's a statue there.

Oh, and he's figleaved up, this guy.

Figleaved up? Yeah, well,
I can feel something there,

and I don't think
it's a...gent's veg.

I'm not... OK, that's a dick.

This is really, really tricky.

Right, I don't know,
I don't know what that is.

Oh, hang on, hang on a minute.

There's a wet bra in there.
That was quick. Yeah.

I've saved a lot of people
from rivers.

Is that a bra?

Well, that feels like a wet bra.

It's nothing weird, is it, like
a...fleshlight or something, is it?

A what? Huh? What? Nothing.

I should colour in the bra, I guess.

It's the kind of bra a dinner lady
would wear. Oh, yes.

Do you know what I mean?

WHISTLE
Thank you.

WHISTLE

Shall I go? Yeah, well done.
Thank you for the accurate picture.

Thank you very much for
the opportunity of drawing.

Asim, I should come to you first.
Your instinct, it's the hand sniff.

Yeah. I'm quite a sensory person,
so... Yeah.

..if I do touch something weird,
I want to just check it's not...

Touch it and sniff it? Touch and
sniff, yeah. Touch and sniff.

We've all got a system.

You then announced, "That's a dick."

And that's when I want to just pop
over and chat to Alice for a while.

Hello. Because you said, "That's
something not safe for broadcast."

Now, I think that's your version
of "That's a dick." Yeah.

Yeah, a bit of me thought it might
be a dildo. A bit of me...

A bit of you thought
it was a trombone. Yeah.

It was a 50-50 divide.

Cos they're famously
very comparable, aren't they? Yeah.

Is it a dick? Is it a trombone?
Exactly.

It was more the sopping wet pelt

that I could feel
that was kind of...

Wet pelt? Yeah. Again...

LAUGHS: ..it's not necessarily
sexual, but...wet pelt!

So, this is Liza's picture.

Oh, hello...

RUSSELL: Oh, nice!
ALICE: Oh, very good.

I mean, that is genuinely...
That's great. Incredible.

I can compare that with
what was actually in the box.

It was a Davy Crockett hat,

a wet bra and a statue
of Michelangelo's David.

So that is really good painting
there. It's a strong start, yeah.

Isn't it? Something tells me -

Call me suspicious - that it's all
going to go downhill from here.

Well, I'll save Asim.
But Alice, have a look at Alice.

Alice's is quite technical.
Very good. I like the bra.

Clearly designed for a woman
with a triangular body.

I mean, honestly, it's just
genuinely quite impressive,

and you didn't have to put the box
in. Threw it in for good measure.

Oh! Just threw that in, yeah.
Asim, though... Here we go.

Strap yourselves in.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

As far as I can work out,
it's a Pokemon symbol,

a pair of glasses and a pissed ET.

Wow. Compete, complete.
Absolutely incredible.

Is art your thing, Tim?

Not really. I doodle a bit, but I
wouldn't say that I'm an artist.

Well, we're are about find out,
aren't we? Yeah. He's not.

Do you want to see it?

Let's have a look.

Aw, I think you've done yourself
a disservice.

Tim, do you think that bras are just

a string with two bits
of brown fabric...?

Well, they can be.

Well, it's interesting.
Is that what you were looking for?

Russell Howard - good at sport.
Good at art? No...

No? Oh, no.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What's going on with that bloke?

It's a little snowman
going, "Cooee!" Yeah.

LIZA: It's the map of the UK.

TIM: Is that a postbox?
What's on the left?

That was going to be
my next question. The hat.

What, is that a postbox?

No, it's a hat, because
there's the front of the hat there

and then the back bit is
sort of swooping there.

Oh, yeah, swooping down. Yeah, yeah.

So, which is the most accurate?

Obviously, Asim's is
the most accurate.

I'm joking!

Well, obviously, it's Liza,
isn't it? It's Liza Tarbuck.

Yeah? Yeah.
Thank you. OK, 5 points to Liza.

Followed by ol' Toblerone bra.
OK, so 4 points to Alice.

And I'm going to get three points
to Tim's praying mantis.

And here we are at the bottom of
the barrel.

No, I can't separate that. Yeah.

I'm going to give them one point
each. One point each...

Of course I am.
..to Russell and Asim.

There's one more bit of business -
they had to work out

which celebrity was linked
by the contents of the box.

Want to see them all guessing? Yes.
So this is for a bonus point?

For whoever guessed the celebrity
that linked them.

Bra, man, hat...

WHISPERS: Barbara... Sorry, what
name are you saying there?

No, I was just saying
Barbara Streisand, but bar, bra...

Barbara...

Hat-bra. Bra-hat Statue.

Statue Brahat!

What does a...?
What does wet bra mean?

Is it Bra-bra Windsor?

Possibly Oscar Pistorius.

Because that could be an Oscar and
you've covered the bra in piss.

Fur bra...

Like Ursula Andress,
you think of, maybe.

Mahatma Bra Gandhi.

OK, my guess is Margaret Thatcher.

Hat-and-bra! Hat-and-bra!
David...

David...Attenborough!

DING
That's my guess.

David Attenborough.
DING

Tim and Russell both
got David Attenborough.

And before that, we had some guesses
of the world-famous celebrities

Bra-bra Hat, Statue Brahat,
Brabra Windsor,

and Mahatma Bra Gandhi.

So two bonus points there.

Yeah, cos it was
wet David Attenborough.

Let's get down to finding out
why you made the bra wet,

cos I genuinely don't know,

I've been baffled throughout
watching this.

Well, you said represent
David Attenborough,

and he's been knighted,
so he's now Wet David Attenborough.

You mean Sir David Attenborough,
do you? Yeah...

But you quite often call knights...
No, no, you don't.

You call a knight "sir".
Yeah, so it's Sir Richard Branson.

Yeah, or Wet Richard Branson.
Not Wet Richard Branson.

Or Wet Andy Murray - you'd say that,
wouldn't you?. Or Wet...

Oh, man, I genuinely worry
about you, Alex.

It's time for a very quick break,
because we've got

so, so much work to do here.

Hurry back, please. Please hurry!

Hello. It's Taskmaster you're
watching, and you're in part three.

What sort of thing have you got
lined up next, Alex, for 'em?

We've got a team one, but it's
also an individual one.

Oh.. Mmm. Here it is.

MECHANICAL WHIRRING

What's that?

What's what?

Fucking hell. It's like Jaws.

"Write down as many obscure animals
as possible."

"You have three minutes.
Your time starts now."

Um...

Duckbilled platypus.
That's quite obscure.

The lesser spotted blue tit.

Sabre-toothed tiger. Oh, yeah.
Very obscure now.

Dodo - obscure.

T Rex - obscure. Dead.

Piranha - you hear a lot about 'em,
very rarely see 'em.

Liger. A liger? Yeah. Lovely.
It's pretty obscure.

WHISTLE

Would you mind taking that list into
the living room now, please? Yes.

The T Rex - an obscure animal?
It is where I live.

Do you want to see
what happened next?

You're about to be hoisted
by your own petard. Yes.

They didn't know what was coming.
This was what was coming.

Hello, Alice. Hello.

This is weird.

"Guess the animals that
your team-mate has on their list.

"Your team-mate must only use mime.

"They may not write anything down
or show you the list.

"You have 10 minutes.
Most animals guessed wins.

"Your time starts now."

Right, OK.

HE ROARS

Sabre-tooth tiger. Yes.

HE ROARS

Sabre-tooth tiger.

HE CONTINUES TO ROAR

A baboon, isn't that a baboon?

Oh, sorry, T Rex. Yes.

A platypus.

A duckbilled platypus.

Oh, bird-watching...

Lesser spotted...

A lesser spotted...jumper.

A lesser spotted blue tit.

Guppy, kind of shit fish.

Small with a huge jaw.

Piranha! Yes!

Monster cat.

Mega cat. Tiger cat.

Cat tiger.

A liger. Yes!
WHISTLE

Thanks, guys.

Incredible work.
There were a possible 16 animals.

They scored 11 out of 16.

APPLAUSE
Pretty good.

Pretty strong. Mm-hmm.
Can we see the others?

OK, we're now going to see Asim
making his list before he knew

he was going to have
to act them out.

Yeah. I mean, strap yourselves in.

Blue dog.

Three-eyed raven. Three-eyed raven.

Anorexic elephant.

An anorexic elephant.

Eight-bollock...cat.

Eight-bollock cat.

A...dodo.

Laser beam turtle.

WHISTLE

Got your proper task now.
Oh, for f...

"Guess the animals that
your team-mate has on their list.

"Your team-mate must only use mime.

"Your time starts now."

Dog. Pig. Dog.

Pen dog. Pound dog. Lid dog.
Top dog.

Blue. Blue dog.

Blue dog. Blue dog.

Quite a famous breed. The blue dog.

Two words. Second word.

Elephant.

First word.

Thin. Guppy elephant. Thin elephant.

Somebody who's got a disease
for eating.

Anorexic. Anorexic elephant.

Three words.

First word. Eight.

Second word.

Balls. Eight balls.

Bollocks.

Eight-bollocked...

Whiskers. Moustache.

Cat.

Eight-bollocked cat.

One word.

Two syllables.

Pockets. Deal. Deal. Cash.

Dough.

Dough.

Dough.

OK, yeah.

How's dough two syllables?
Don't know.

Dodo. Dough... Dodo. Dodo.

Three words. First word.

Shoot. Bullet. Laser. Trip wires.

Laser.

Third word.

Shy badger.

Got a really big head.
Hooded. Laser-hooded...

Are you an anteater?

Turtle!

Laser... Laser ray...

Right, A, B...

Beam. Laser beam.

Laser-beamed tortoise. Turtle.

WHISTLE
Thank you. Thank you very much.

I mean, honestly, frankly miraculous
that you guessed any.

But the world of real obscure
animals, not obscure enough for you.

I'm really frightened of
anorexic elephant.

I flipped it, mate, I flipped it.

And honestly - I'm sure I speak
for everybody - I would have bet

my life that you wouldn't have been
able to convey eight-bollocked cat.

It was Tim who got that,
and you said the word bollock,

and you were so surprised
that you swore.

Yeah, yeah. You were right.

You had to. It's not your fault -
it's the name of the creature.

13 on their list. 11 to beat.

They scored...8.

THEY GROAN

Good effort.
Points wise, though,

there's normally five to play for
on the teams.

But I think three and two
would be a fair split.

OK, 2 points to this team,
3 points to the team in front!

Time for one more. Yes, we've got
time for a quickie in the kitchen.

Oh...

Are we thinking pancakes,
is that the vibe?

Ooh, OK...

"Wearing this sweatband around your
head at all times..."

"..tuck as many items from the
kitchen

"inside the sweatband
as possible."

"Then make a pancake with
a diameter of at least nine inches.

"Then eat the whole pancake.

"You have two minutes to tuck things
in your sweatband,

"then eight minutes to cook
and eat the pancake."

"Most kitchen items successfully
kept within the sweatband wins."

OK...

"Your time starts now."

Two minutes to tuck things
inside your sweatband,

then eight minutes
to cook and eat a pancake.

Most pancake eaten and most things
left in the sweatband

after the task. OK.
Complicated sports cooking. Yeah.

OK, we're going to see
three attempts in one -

Alice and Liza and Asim. Ready? Yes.

Obviously banana straightaway.

# Ba-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo doo. #

I might need that, so I'm not going
to put it...

Oh, look at that -
hundreds and thousands.

Ow!

Some tongs. Tongs.

Um... How long do I have?

You've got 30 seconds left to tuck
things inside your headband.

Measuring spoons - that's good.

WHISTLE

OK, I'm going to leave
it at that now. OK.

You've got eight minutes to cook
and eat a pancake. Good luck. OK.

LIZA: Two, three...

Eggs, obviously.

OBJECTS CLATTER
OK, it's no worries.

Alice.. have you read
the task properly? Sorry?

Have you definitely read
the task properly?

"Most kitchen items successfully
kept within the sweatband wins."

Oh, bugger!

Might speed it up.

Whoa! Got ya!

Oh...

It's cooking.

I'm going to eat that, because
otherwise I'll run out of time.

Oh, yeah, lovely, that.
I think that's burning a bit.

Two minutes to eat
as much as you can.

That is not bad.

Oh, I have to eat it during...?

Um...

You've got 30 seconds. Oh, God.

15 seconds left. Um...

Oh, oh...

WHISTLE

Well, you got most of it down.
Mmm...

Really hot.

Alice...

..Alex whispered to me, "You'll be
interested in Alice's reaction,

"because she totally loses
her mind halfway through."

I don't know... I really thought
I'd understood it.

I don't know what the bit was where
you were supposed to

just shake until everything fell
out of the headband. Yeah.

All imagined, all of those bits.
Yeah.

Weirdly, you managed to leave in
there a whisk, two spoons

and a spatula, which are the things
you need to make a pancake. Yes.

I love the fact that squirty cream
just emerges

in pretty much everything Asim does.

No, but what that was, it was...
It was to cool the...

Yeah, we had, like... I misread
that bit, that you have to eat it,

so there was, like, 20 seconds left.

We've got our own methods for
a speed pancake-ing.

Yours happens to be squirty cream.

You went straight for the cold tap.
Yeah. Lovely. Damn right.

Liza certainly ate three quarters
of her pancake,

which is the most out of
the three of them.

Asim ate half of it -
and a whole can of cream.

Alice, not so much.
Mine was raw. Yes, yes.

Yeah. Yes, yes.

That's all very interesting,
but it's the end of part three.

Alice Levine's warm ham
will soon have a proud new owner,

unless Alice wins it.

It's so complicated, isn't it?

See you soon for
the final part of the show.

Welcome back to
the final part of Taskmaster.

An intellectual task was in full
swing, wasn't it? Very much so.

They had to put as many items
as possible from the kitchen

inside their headband and keep
them there while they cooked

and then ate a nine-inch pancake.

Most items still tucked in
at the end wins.

We've seen Alice, Asim and Liza.

Next up, Tim and Russell.

The plugs, was it?
That was a plug, yes. Two plugs.

Chewing gum.

That's a big spoon.
Yeah, two of those.

SPOON CLATTERS
One of those.

Post-it Notes.

Um...

WHISTLE

WHISTLE

Now you've got eight minutes
to cook and eat a pancake.

I presume, a pancake is not
dissimilar to...an omelette.

Some of that in.

Put some bananas in it.

I don't know what I've made
but that is not a pancake.

APPLAUSE

Flipped.

How Is it? A bit too thick.

Fuck, that's hot!

I know it seems like
I'm being silly adding to it,

but it sort of makes it
more palatable.

Fucking hell!

WHISTLE

Well, I was impressed
with both of you,

that you had time to add
a few flavours.

Mine was too thick.
It was like 19 pancakes.

For some reason,
you both put four eggs in.

Tim did have the most things
in his sweatband. Oh, did he?

I mean, 28 chopsticks helped
the total. Lovely final edition.

15 bin liners, two massive spoons,
kitchen roll, four little spoons,

a sponge, cloth, plugs and grapes.

There's a lot. Yeah, there's a lot.

Russell's had Post-it Notes
and tissues.

I don't know how you're going
to judge this.

I can tell you that Liza Tarbuck
put two things of

hundreds of thousands in -
one fell out, one stayed in -

so she did have hundreds
and thousands in there.

Fair play.

Russell ate the most, then Liza,
then Asim, then Alice, then Tim.

Right. But Liza got the most in,
then Tim.

Then Russell, then Asim, then Alice.

OK. So the bottom is easier
than the top...as my mum always...

Right...
LAUGHTER

I don't know what that would mean.
I don't know...

I think that we should give
Asim 3 points, Alice, 2.

We were, like, equally bad, weren't
we? So probably both get 3.

No, Alice was worse. OK. OK.

Then these three, I don't know
what you do with them. All right.

They all got five points.
OK. There you go.

One more scoreboard update,
Alex, please.

Yes, before the final task,
Russell has the lead,

but it can be cut short -

he is just four points ahead
of Tim Vine. There we go.

Off you go, then, please make
your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Very impressive.
Can Asim read the task out, please?

OK, could you pass that to
Asim Chaudhry. Sure. Thank you.

Thank you.

"Get an egg is close to the centre
of the target as possible."

Oh... Oh...!

"You must stand on the spot
when taking your turn.

"You must ROLL..." - that was
capitals - "..two of your eggs.

"The person whose egg is furthest
from the centre of the target

"after each round is eliminated.

"The person in first place
goes first."

Well, that's definitely not me.

It is Russell Howard to throw first.

Is this suddenly that thing from
the Olympics? Well, yeah...

Curling? Curling.

Oh, fuck!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
Mother of God.

I've selected me egg.

Will you be rolling, or...?
Let's see.

Ready?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Back to your place, please, Russell.

It is not necessarily...
Oh, fuck off, Alex!

OK, second in the league table
is Tim Vine at this stage.

Oh... What?

Oh, no, I was just excited. Sorry!

ALL: Oh! Nice work.

OK, next up it's
Liza Tarbuck to throw.

ALL: Oh!

It feels good.
It's inside of Russell.

Liza and Tim are safe.

And it's Alice next. Oh, no.

ALL: Ooh!

Yeah, that's safe, that's safe.
Nicely done!

So, Russell needs Asim to do
something dreadful here

to stay in the game.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Blimey!

Russell is eliminated.
Tim Vine to roll.

Oh, lovely, lovely.

Beautiful. Oh... See ya!

OK, now we know, now we know.

What do you mean, now we know?!
Now we know!

APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH

Liza's up. And I see it didn't need
that much welly, did it?

Almost normal.

Oh...! See ya!

It needed some!

Oh, dear... Tim seems to have made
it through to the final.

It's Alice Levine next.

Oh, lovely. Oh, lovely. Hello!

Oh!

That was a lovely quail roll.
Thank you.

OK, Asim, your turn. OK...

Ooh, look! No worries.

He's safe. Yeah.

Liza, you're eliminated, I'm sorry.

WHISTLE

It's the final, it's the final.
Tim Vine to throw first, of course.

He's got one quail's egg
and he must roll it.

Has he given it enough? OK.

APPLAUSE

Alice, you're next.
Ostrich, please. Oh, it is heavy.

It's so tense.

Oh...!

Oh, textbook...!

No!

APPLAUSE

Now then...we will need
a tape measure.

Right...

HE KISSES EGG

Yeah.

Good luck, Asim.

Yes, yes...!

APPLAUSE

Can we have a third, second
and first place, Greg, when you...?

First for Asim, second for Tim, and
that was Alice's? Alice Levine.

Yeah, well, there we are. So it's
5 points to Asim Chaudhry.

Why don't we toss those up
and add them to the main scores

and then we'll find out
how that's affected everything?

Come on down!

Hello. Very good. Hello.
Who was best, Alex?

There's only one person
really worth talking about,

and it's Asim Chaudhry.
Wonderful technique.

He's found it,
he's found his thing. Finally.

He overtook Alice into fourth place.

But despite the drop, the final
scoreboard looks like this.

We have a winner, by one point.
What?

It's Mr Russell Howard.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Russell Howard
is tonight's winner.

Please go and secure
your scary kitchen items!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that Taskmaster
is a dangerous place.

Beware Asim Chaudhry's
laser beam turtle,

beware Liza Tarbuck's rolling
oil drum,

beware the flying contents
of Alice Levine's headband,

beware Russell Howard's
unpredictable egg.

But most of all, beware
Tim's cupboard door!

It's a bit loose!

And, of course, Russell Howard won
the episode. Isn't he just the best?

Thanks for joining us.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media