Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 5 - H - full transcript

Sturdy prizes, an age-old conundrum, getting snookered by eggs.. the teams tackle all these and more under the stern gaze of Greg Davies.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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Come on!

Yes! Erm...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Thank you and thank you.
The show is called Taskmaster
and my name is Greg Davies.

Five very fine television
and radio personalities

have been completing my tasks
for various reasons.

There's the nominal fee,
the massive exposure,

and most importantly, the chance
to win this gilded duplication

of my massive chiselled noddle.
LAUGHTER

So, let's get on and meet them.
They're names are



Alice Levine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Asim Chaudhry!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Liza Tarbuck! Russell Howard!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Tim Vine!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here, moping around like a lost
tear in an ocean of wretchedness...

Oh! Who is it? It's...

little Alex Horne!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello.

And as is tradition, we'll be having
some painfully stilted banter

for about two minutes
before we start the show.

No.
LAUGHTER

Because I've pre-empted it this time

and I've covered the situation
by pre-recording some banter.

So, I've...
GREG LAUGHS



'I've voiced you and I've voiced me,
and we just mouth or mime along.
Ready? Yeah.

"Great to be here, Greg.
You're looking fine."

'"And you, Alex,
are a wonderful person."
LAUGHTER

"I love you, Alex."
LAUGHTER

'Great banter. Better, wasn't it?
Better banter than...
LAUGHTER

'Shall we do one with me
voicing you now? Let's try that.
LAUGHTER

Look down the camera.
Do we have to? Yeah.

Hello, I'm Alex Horne

and I support apartheid.

LAUGHTER

Shall we...

Let's crack on, shall we?

LAUGHTER

'Hey, it was gonna come out
eventually, mate.
LAUGHTER

So, it's now time
for the prize task. Happy?

This week, we've asked them
to bring in the sturdiest thing.

'Ooh! OK? So, the person
who brings in the sturdiest thing,
according to you, Lord Greg Davies,

will get five points,
and at the end of the show,

'the person with the most points will
take home all of the sturdy things.
Good.

I think it's about time
we started with Tim Vine.

'Hello, Tim.
What is your sturdy thing and why
should I judge it the sturdiest?

It's a small plastic St Bernard.
OK.

'And when I get angry,
I go outside and I throw it down
on the patio really hard

'and it never changes at all.
It's the sturdiest thing I own.
Do you wanna see it?

Aw!
LAUGHTER

'We've developed a means test
for the sturdy items
and it's dropping me from 15 feet.

'Which is... What did you say?
That's my... Oh, terminal velocity.
..terminal velocity. Yeah.

'And I'd argue that
if you drop me from 15 feet
onto a cross-eyed plastic hound,

I'd probably fuck it up.
LAUGHTER

How big is it, Tim? Well,
that's the thing, it is quite small.

'It's kind of that size.
I don't think you would. I think
you'll absorb it. I'll absorb it.

'I'll absorb it into my fat feet,
will I?
LAUGHTER

Anywhere. Jesus Christ!

Asim, what's your sturdy item? Well,
before we do that, I just wanna say

that from today,
I am now officially a vegan.

Come on! Come on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, my sturdiest thing...

LAUGHTER

'My most sturdiest thing, and I'm
flipping it a little bit, something
you wouldn't think is sturdy,

but I'm actually going for an egg.

Ah! I'm back in the game!
LAUGHTER

'You are.
Dust the old cross-eyed beast off.
LAUGHTER

Did you know that you can drop an
egg from a tree and it won't break?

Yeah.
LAUGHTER

'And what if you dropped a 20-stone
man from 15 foot, terminal velocity,
onto it?

Scrambled!
Yeah. Scrambled egg, yeah.

'Not great news for the...
I won't be able to eat it, as well,
cos I'm vegan now.

'Oh, man. Well,
that is definitely last place.
LAUGHTER

Liza. I've picked a donkey.
Oh! A real one? Yeah.

'You've brought a donkey in,
have you? Yeah. Thomas.
LAUGHTER

'I have. She has. The donkey is here.
There's the picture, but the
winner... There we are. It's Thomas.

Will the donkey get brought out
at some point?

'Yeah, whoever wins the show
will win all the four study things
and have a go on the donkey.

LAUGHTER
Have a go on anything's good.

'It's just awful how modern context
has changed phrases,
though, isn't it?

Oh, I didn't mean... I just meant
stand next to it, really.

'Yeah, I know, but I read it as,
"Have sex with a donkey."
LAUGHTER

'I think a donkey is more sturdy than
an egg and a plastic St Bernard.
That's my gut instinct.Alice.

'I was trying to think of something
that has been tested
in terms of sturdiness.

It's been through extreme weathers.

This is my mum's poly tunnel
on her allotment.

Here it is.
GREG WHISTLES

A younger host
wouldn't be impressed by that.

'But I'm a middle-aged man
and that is a lovely bit of kit.
LAUGHTER

Is it sturdier than a donkey?
Could you argue that?

'I feel like you would just
bounce right off that.
You would have a lovely time.

Cos you'd spread the load.
Yes, exactly!

I'd spread my load.
LAUGHTER

It's a minefield, innit?
LAUGHTER

Russell. Yes. Yes.
Beat a donkey. Beat a poly tunnel.

OK. My brother's calves.

LAUGHTER

So sturdy.
He's got tremendous calves.

Has he? Yep.
Is your brother here? He is here.

'Well, where is he? I wanna jump
from 15 feet onto him.
LAUGHTER

Here are Russell's brother's calves.
LAUGHTER

'I mean, they actually are
disgusting, aren't they?
LAUGHTER

'What does the winner get?
Does the winner get to have a go
on the calves?

The winner can touch them,
can have a photo with them,

'and, of course, you can ride him.
Got it.
LAUGHTER

OK, well, I mean,
I'm gonna put an egg last

'because I would mess an egg up
faster than I could mess up
Tim's St Bernard.

Famously.
So that's last and second to last.

One point to Asim. Two to Tim.
I've met Russell's brother,

'and unbeknownst to Russell,
I have ridden on his back
on numerous occasions.

And they're unreliable,
those calves.

'They can take me for a while.
So I'm putting you in third place.
OK. It's difficult.

But how can you turn down a donkey?

'They're a powerful image
of everything that's right
in the world.

'So until I distribute myself
across...
LAUGHTER

'..across Alice's mother's...
Poly tunnel. ..poly tunnel...
LAUGHTER

..I must give the benefit
of the doubt to Liza Tarbuck!

Five points to Liza! Thank you.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here we go, then.
We're up and running. What's first?

We've got a task to finally answer
the age-old conundrum.

DOOR LOCK RATTLES

LAUGHTER

Go that way.

OK.

Follow this string in, do I?
Follow the piece of string in?

It's the sort of thing you dream
about, isn't it, when you're seven?

'Hang on a minute. Right, so I go
out that way. Hang on a minute.
Out that way there. Right.

What are you up to? Just following
this string. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Hello. Hi.
This is my caravan. It's lovely.

'I'm following the string.
LAUGHTER
Follow the string!

Here we go.
How long is a piece of string?

"Without leaving the caravan..."

"..work out how long
this piece of string is."

CAR HORN BEEPS

Excuse me!
LAUGHTER

'"You have five minutes.
Most accurate answer wins.
Your time starts now."

Bloody hell.

Without leaving the caravan.

Right. OK. Back in this way.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I thought you were supposed
to follow the string.

Evidently.
LAUGHTER

'I didn't want to get disqualified
for, "Oh, you didn't
go through the tunnel."

I thought I'd be the only one
who didn't, not the one who did!

'Yeah,
you took 15 minutes longer than
anyone else to reach the target.

How long's a piece of string?
Nice and simple, innit?

'Five minutes to work it out.
They weren't allowed
to leave the caravan. OK.

'Do you wanna see the two little
boys, Asim and Russell?
Two little boys, please.

LAUGHTER
Bloody hell.

Without leaving the caravan.
Yeah, sorry.

OK.

This is gonna take
some very good guesswork.

'What are you doing? Seeing if there
was a tape measure in here. It would
appear not. I'm just gonna guess.

OK, let me just do a rough estimate.

There is loads of string
in that bathtub.

It goes through there each time,
so that's gonna add.

I'm gonna say...

..210 feet.

OK. And that's including the ball,
is it?

Oh! No.
LAUGHTER

OK. I thought it meant just how much
is... Well, it's up to you, really.

LAUGHTER

OK. I'd say 500 feet.

That's a lot, though.
Yeah, I'll say 500. OK.

It's 31 metres.

'31 metres. The whole thing.
The whole thing is 31 metres.
Exactly? Yes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'It's great to see
a scientific mind... working.
LAUGHTER

"200." "Oh, no, are you sure?"

"500?"
LAUGHTER

Erm, Russell, that jacket makes you
look very at home in that caravan.

It looks like you're
running a business from it. It does.

'It makes me look like an uncle who
says to himself under his breath,
"I'll get her back."

LAUGHTER

'Just to be clear, Asim's final
answer was... 500 feet. ..500 feet.
Based on nothing.

'And Russell's was...
31 metres, or 102 feet. So there's
400 foot between the guesses.

LAUGHTER
Oh, I'm way off!

OK. Here it comes.
Your first interval of the episode.

I look forward to hearing
all about it. Bye for now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

'I'm Greg. Stringy things
were happening before the break.
Aren't I completely right, Alex?

Always. Always. Always.

Yes, we've been trying to learn
how long a piece of string is.

'Asim and Russell have had a go,
but we're yet to know
how accurately they've guessed.

Next, this is Alice and Liza,
presumably doing it more logically.

I'm gonna take a risk.

Did you bring a tool with you? Yeah.
But I do often have a tool on me.

'Can I have some scissors? Would you
like me to get you some scissors?
I'd love some scissors. OK.

Oh, dear, oh, Lord.

Well, it's quite long.
LAUGHTER

Scissors for you. Thank you so much.

I've absolutely no idea.
I can't help you.

And I'd be wrong to pretend I could.
Do you wanna have a guess?

OK.

So, I think this piece of string
is five foot seven inches.

OK.

I'm unclear as to whether
it's that bit or that bit.

I have extracted a piece
from the ball.

So I think that this piece
is five foot seven.

I'll say four miles.
LAUGHTER

'It's long, isn't it?
It's really long, isn't it?
LAUGHTER

'HE BLOWS WHISTLE
Thank you, Alice.
Thank you. Goodbye.

Bye.

APPLAUSE

I imagine Asim and Russell are both
thinking, "Back in the game."

'32 miles was Liza's guess. No.
Liza's guess was four miles. Four
miles. Not ridiculous. Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

Four miles.
I was just cross that morning.

'Now, if you think that's mad,
I mean, I don't know
where to start with you.

I wasn't sure which bit of the
string you wanted to measure.

And I just thought I would...
The whole bit of string.

'Better to have an accurate measure
of a bit, than an inaccurate measure
of all of it.

Yeah. Mm. So, really, a great job.
LAUGHTER

Great.
Alice's guess, five foot seven.

'Is wrong.
Liza, four miles. So, there's 21,105
foot between their guesses.

LAUGHTER
OK. Next it's Vine time!

How long is a piece of string?
Erm...

I'll just see if there's
anything here that's...

Well...

I might measure it...
I might do it in lobsters.

LAUGHTER
Right. One, two, three...

..five, six, seven,
eight, nine, ten...

..16, 17...

..107, 108, 109, 110,

111, 112,

113, 114, 115,

116 lobsters inside the caravan.
How long left? One minute 40.

LAUGHTER

I'm just gonna have to...
That's just for the lobster.

189, 190, 191, 192...

LAUGHTER

20 seconds.

Ten seconds.

308 lobsters!

How long do you think a lobster is?
The lobster's about 30 centimetres.

'OK.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So much to enjoy about that.
Er, my favourite moment? Mm?

'"I think I'm gonna use a lobster."
Like it's the most natural thing
in the world.

'Tim has never won a task in this
show. He's won the prize task,
but he's never won an actual task.

'I feel good about this. Hello.
Seriously, I'm excited to know. Yes.
OK. So, he guessed 308 lobsters.

Yeah. Er, converting that to feet,
about 308 feet.

The actual string was...

97 metres, which is 318 feet.

GASPS AND APPLAUSE
Oooh!

Blimey!

This is a whole new system.

I knew as soon as I saw the lobster
I'd won that task.

'I think you might have defined,
now that we're leaving Europe, we
might measure things in the lobster.

'Well, that's what the lb... Instead
of pounds, it could be lobsters.
LAUGHTER

How many lobsters out was he?
He was ten lobsters out. OK.

'Wow! That's amazing!
Liza was 21,000 lobsters out.
LAUGHTER

Understandable, yeah.
LAUGHTER

So the furthest out from the correct
answer was Liza. She gets one point.

'Alice gets two. Russell, three.
Asim, four. But Tim Vine
gets five points! There it is!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable.

'It feels like we should see the
scores, then, Alex. OK, then. The
leader at the moment is TimVine!

Whoa!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's Vine time!

Would you like a new task? Yes,
please. OK. This one is a tough one.

Hello, my little ferret.

Hello, Alice. Hello.

HE LAUGHS
Eggs.

LAUGHTER

"Pull this tablecloth
off this table."

"Most eggs left unbroken
on the table wins."

'"You have one attempt
and may not tamper with the table,
tablecloth or eggs."

Nice use of the word "tamper."
Thank you, Liza.

Eh? So I've just gotta...

APPLAUSE

'Shouldn't be too much
to worry about, Asim,
eggs being as sturdy as they are.

LAUGHTER

'Go on, let's have a look. OK.
So, I'm just gonna pull it off,
am I? We are looking for a yank.

LAUGHTER

Are you good at this sort of thing,
Liza? I'm not answering that.

I think that's very leading.

HE SIGHS
OK.

One yank, please, Asim. One yank.

This arm's gotta get there and
you've gotta not even see it move.

Right. It's like
a kind of pull motion.

'It has to be swift, innit? That's
the thing. It's gonna have to be...
OK.

I think I'm gonna nail it.

I just feel it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hm...

APPLAUSE
Does that count?

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

'And that's the end of Taskmaster.
Good night.
LAUGHTER

'That was incredible. We all did it.
The only difference was in
the way that everybody celebrated.

Cos most people thought, "Well, I'm
just pleased I managed to do that."

'Russell, apparently,
walked straight out, dropped
to his knees and started sobbing.

LAUGHTER

I was so pleased.

I felt like I was Roger Federer.
LAUGHTER

OK. Five points to everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'So we gave them a task where they
all got the same points? Yes.
Don't you ever, ever do that again!

Or I'll kick you in the leg!
LAUGHTER

I think it's best we break up for
a while. Just for a while, though.

It'll make us stronger in
the long run. Just you wait and see.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. I am so glad you came back.
Alex, over to you.

'OK. Would you like a new task? Yes,
please. This one is a perplexing
team one for you, darling.

LAUGHTER

Hi, Alex. Hello, Liza. Have you met
my friend? Hello, Alex.

Yes, I have. Crikey! Stinks, dunnit?

'Where are you? There you are.
Everything smells of sweaty dead
dogs in here. It's horrid,isn't it?

Shall I just get that, then.
Sorry, gents. So, look at this.

This is all about
kidnapping and things.

Flipping heck! OK.

Find the link then do it
exactly 100 times.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

Find the link.
So all this is linking.

OK. Find the link. What's the link?

APPLAUSE

'I mean, I'm keen to crack on
with the task, but I would say
that the crack detective team

'of Vine, Chaudhry and Tarbuck,
if your mum had been kidnapped
or something,

'and you three turned up,
you'd go, "Oh, no. Oh, no.
She's not coming back."

"This is my colleague.
He's in a safari costume."

LAUGHTER

Who do we see first? We're gonna
start with Russell and Alice.

Team Funk? Team Funk. Team Funk.
LAUGHTER

Can we have a pad and a pen, please?
Thank you very much. OK.

What does this projector bit mean?
What does that mean?

I'll be honest with you, this...
I wanna burn all of this.

It says hopelesslessless.
Yeah. Yeah.

Is the link that there is no link?

'There's whisky here.
But then that says urinating,
so I'm not sure it's whisky.

St... Steps... guy.
Step guy. Steps guy.

Is that a guy from the band Steps?

Oh, yeah, H from steps. Well done.
BELL DINGS

What does that mean? 8, 15 and 16?

'That could be letters again,
so that could be A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H.
BELL DINGS

I-J-K-L-M-N-O.
BELL DINGS

'M-N-O-P. Well, that's
House Of Pain again, isn't it?
BELL DINGS

House Of Pain. H-O-P.

Damien Rice's debut... OK.

'Well, that was O.
Wasn't the album called O?
BELL DINGS

'Urinating. Wee. Ee. Pee. P. P. Well
done. Yeah, that's what that is.
BELL DINGS

D-L-L-P. I've got it.

'Is the link HOP?
And we have to hop 100 times?
BELL DINGS

And we can do hopping.
Because House Of Pain.

There was another HOP that you
said... Erm... ..that was something.

What's the whisky in the...

Is that a rabbit?

'It's a little rabbit.
Bunny hop. Bunny hop.
BELL DINGS

So shall we hop 100 times? That
seems like a lot of hopping. Yeah.

'So shall we do 50 each? Yeah.
We have to do it exactly.
OK. Ready? Yeah.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven...

..15, 16, 17, 18... ..28, 29, 30...

..41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47...

No, no more. Exactly! They're gonna
count our extra ones, aren't they?

Only if they're dicks. Yeah.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You struck me
as a crack detective team.

It was only ruined by one thing,
cos you cracked the case,

'both of you, without discussing it,
bunny hands up.
LAUGHTER

Yeah. We're professionals, OK?
LAUGHTER

"We've done it. Well done."
LAUGHTER

"Now, let's take this home!"
LAUGHTER

'They did crack it, though.
Pretty impressive.
Smashed it. With rabbit hops. Yeah.

The whisky was hop scotch. Yep.
There were short hop flights.

'I stopped the clock after their
100th hop, cos I'm not a dick.
No, we're not dicks.

'Why did it smell so bad in there,
though? They were hops. The tray
was full of hops. Oh, I see!

Oh! I didn't know that.

You're never there. No.
LAUGHTER

'Cos I'm literally on my sofa
counting money.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So...
APPLAUSE

So, Russell and Alice,
they took 11 minutes and 18 seconds.

OK, we're now gonna look
at Tim, Asim and Liza. Hm.

Is that whisky? S-T-P-S-G-U.

That doesn't mean anything, does it?

Steps guy. Steps guy?

What does that mean?
Overhead projector.

No J Simpson. No J Simpson.

'It's all very cryptic, isn't it?
Yes, it is.
Is this still the same show?

Look at the rabbit underneath there.
Yes.

Do you know what it's lying in?
It looks like, to me, hops.

'I keep thinking
it's something like hopping.
BELL DINGS

Are they hops? I think so.

'It's worth doing, that.
I reckon let's step back and look,
cos I think we're too close.

'We're probably missing something,
a bigger picture here. Steps guy.
Steps guy. Steps guy.

The Steps guy, H.
The Steps guy is H. Yes. Wait. H.

He's the... No J Simpson. H.
The Steps guy is H.

OK. We've got H.
OK, let's follow that. So, H...

What does that say? Diddy. OK.
P. P. We're getting somewhere.

So, H is... Has anyone got...
We haven't got a pen.

'OK, just remember H.
Yes, I can remember H.
LAUGHTER

We don't need to write that down.
LAUGHTER

HP sauce! Look at that, yeah?

H. Urinating.

Piss. HP.
You know what this could be?

What? The alphabet.
LAUGHTER

A, B... A, B...

I think that's a good call, though.
Do you think?

It's hops. Ah, jump around. Maybe we
need to jump around for a bit.

OK.

..five, six, seven, eight, nine...
LAUGHTER

..78, 79, 80. I'm not sure
if it's jumping, either.

I've just hopped 100 times.
HE BLOWS WHISTLE

What was that? That was the task.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Does that mean the whole task? Yes,
you've done it. Congratulations,
team. What the... That was it?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'Have we ever had a clearer metaphor
for the plight of women
through the ages?

What I love is just this weary,

trying to get them to hear hops,
and in the end just going, "OK.

I'm just gonna start hopping."
LAUGHTER

'Ten on each foot.
Hold the girls down.
LAUGHTER

They came into the other room
furious. No, "Well done." Furious.

And Tim's gone, "Greg's gonna
bloody demolish me for that."

LAUGHTER

'But you got it instantly.
How quickly did Liza solve it? Well,
she said hops in under a minute.

'And how long were they in there
altogether? Well, she completed
100 hops in eight minutes 34.

'Right, so there was about seven
minutes of bullshit from them.
LAUGHTER

I just couldn't get my head
around H. I was like, "H!"

'I don't wanna further make things
worse for you, Asim,
but I did write down this.

"H. Urinating. Piss."
LAUGHTER

We won, though, innit? So fuck it.
LAUGHTER

It's all about the team, innit?
LAUGHTER

So let's say five points for Liza
and her two clowns.

And three points each for Team Funk.
Happy with that? Yeah, done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's next, Alex? OK,
this next one is even more tricky.

DOOR HINGES SQUEAKS

Nice. Alex. Hello, Russell.

I like snooker.

I like you.
HE LAUGHS

Your sort of thing? Yeah, I'm not
bad at traditional boys' games.

Oh, God!

"Pull off the most elaborate
trick shot."

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Oh, God. Oh, I like this.

I couldn't even pot any of them
normally, never mind as a trick.

I don't really play
a huge amount of snooker.

Why have you got gloves on?

Oh, of course. You're the judge.
Is that what it's called now?

'Judge. Snooker judge.
Snooker judge.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I was gonna ridicule you
for the "judge" comment.

'Then I realised that I don't know
what a snooker man's called, either.
Yeah. Or woman.

'Snooker man. It is snooker man.
Snooker man? Yeah.
Who shall we see first?

'We're gonna start off with someone
who's never played darts or snooker.
It's Alice Levine.

# What a trick

# Look at the crazy trick

LAUGHTER

Oh, God!

This is gonna be
harder than I thought.

It's quite a long trick.
SHE LAUGHS

Oh, now we're cooking!

And for the finale...

# Here comes the finale, baby

You got them all in. And that,
my friend, is called a trick shot.

Thank you, Alice. Goodbye.
Always a pleasure.

APPLAUSE

Did you have some questions? Erm...
LAUGHTER

We're doing an assistant advancement
programme at the moment, Alex and I,

where I sometimes
let him make a decision.

Right.
So I'm going to on this occasion.

OK. Yeah. And I think there are
two ways of looking at your stunt.

'I think you could say
there was some humour in there.
You chalked your cues,

even though you knew
you weren't gonna use them.

There was the beautiful music. Thank
you. I even wrote the lyric down.

'# Look at the lovely trick #
People forget that.
LAUGHTER

So you could say it was
a well-thought-out, interesting...

I can't think of another way
of looking at it. Well,

'the other angle is
we could say it was rubbish.
LAUGHTER

And I get to decide?
Yeah. It's all yours.

I'd probably say the former. Was it?
Do you think?

Yeah. No. It was rubbish.
LAUGHTER

'You'll be sad, pleased
or indifferent to discover
it's the end part three.

Go away! And then come back
for the final part,

'where someone will take home an egg,
Russell Howard's brother's legs
and a donkey.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. It's only part four,
and I'm gonna say trick shots, Alex.

Good stuff. And he's right. Trick
shots are the name of the game.

'Alice subtly suggested
it wasn't a task she was
particularly keen on completing.

And now we're gonna see someone
who's taken every opportunity so far

to show off with balls.
It's Russell Howard.

WHEELBARROW SQUEAKS

LEAF-BLOWER WHIRRS
You're gonna have that. Thank you.

'And you're gonna try and put me off
as I make it, but there's gonna be
several stages to this.

That's the first stage
and I've gotta do five of those.

So it's gonna take
a couple of attempts.

First of all, we have
to chip the ball through there,

and then we have to get
the basketball in the bathtub.

'And then right at the end of it,
I've got to put that in there.
In one go. Ready?

And when do you want me to start
attacking you? At any stage.

You have to sledge me, heckle me, as
many mean things as you can think.

'I'm not great at that, but I'll
have a go. OK, we'll try it. Ready?
One, two, three, four,five.

First bit done.
Now chipping the ball in here.

Not very good at football.
LAUGHTER

Done.
I don't understand your dress sense.

Fucking right!
Now I have to throw this over there.

I'm not sure about your hair.
That's not even part of it.

And now I've gotta do this.

Your glasses look a bit silly.

'Pleasure. Well done, Russell.
Good shot. Thanks, man.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, first of all, let's address
your sledging technique.

'I'm so sorry.
I wouldn't normally have said that.
Yeah, it was pretty full on, mate.

'"I'm not sure about your hair."
LAUGHTER
"Your glasses look silly."

Yeah. He's got me there, yeah.
Did you get it all right first time?

Well, mate, what I would say...
LAUGHTER

..I got all the hard bits right
first time. Right.

Every time I chipped it
in the caravan... Not every time.

'We've got a couple
of the other attempts. Oh!
LAUGHTER

We start again
if I can't complete them.

So, ready? One, two, three... Fuck.

Right. One, two... Fucking hell,
this is gonna be tricky.

LEAF-BLOWER WHIRRS

Agh! You... So it means
that I have to do it again. Fine.

Ahh, shit!

Oh, fucking...
It's alright. Go again.

I mean,
this is absolutely frustrating.

Here we go again.

Ooh!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I was so happy, though.

'There's something so exciting about
chipping a football into a caravan.
Yeah.

'You were asked to do
a snooker trick shot.
LAUGHTER

Who's next? And now we're gonna see
Liza Tarbuck step up to the table.

Thank you, Alex.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm good.

'That's absolutely amazing.
It's almost like it was animated
or something.

It's just incredible, innit?
It's absolutely amazing.

'I mean, I respect you.
I think you're extraordinary.
But that is a sea of bullshit.

Is it? I don't know.
LAUGHTER

'Liza got a team of people
to run around after her. You ran
around on your own like an idiot,

'writing your own rules, and Liza
went, "I'm not gonna lift a finger.
I'll get these clowns to do it."

Yeah. Funk that!
LAUGHTER

Erm, it was incredible.
Let's see another one.

OK. Well, the last two I've grouped
together. So, it's Tim and Asim.

'Where would you like it? Just
sort of in line, as though it's an
extension of the table. Oh,right.

It's pretty good.

OK.
OK, I'm gonna have an attempt now.

Ready? Good luck.

Come on!
APPLAUSE

Get in!

Ah!

This is another attempt.

TOY SQUEAKS

The lesser-potted giraffe.
LAUGHTER

The lesser-potted giraffe. The name
of the shot, yeah. Thank you.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was really good.

'Asim, didn't you just create
a massive tube?
Yeah. Just a massive tube.

But it got a round of applause
from these simpletons.

'I dropped it from quite a distance.
Did you see that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you like that?

I really did. It's a really hard
one to score, this. Honest to God.

Does it help that Tim called his one
the lesser-potted giraffe?

'Yes. Ooh! It's just bagged him
the first place. OK.
LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'I think Liza's stunningly visual
trickery should go in second place.
There.

Do you? Yes, I do. Thank you.
APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER
Fine.

'The more you shake your little head,
the lower down you go, you tinker.
LAUGHTER

'OK, so five to Tim, four to Liza.
Where are we going?
Oh, man, it's so difficult.

'Is it worth going to the bottom now?
Would that make it easier for you?
Yes, it would, wouldn't it?

'Oh, come on! No, I'm looking
at Alice. It's my glasses. Right.
LAUGHTER

'I'm gonna give one to Alice.
I'm giving big tube two.
LAUGHTER

'Three to Russell. There, it's done.
OK, done. But the winner, Tim Vine!
Sorry, big tube.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I am hankering for a score board
update, Alex. Please may I have one?

'It's Vine time again.
He's in the lead with 22 points.
Second place is Liza Tarbuck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'OK, can you head to the stage,
please, because it's the final task
of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a sinister sight.
LAUGHTER

Who's gonna read the task, Alex?
Alice Levine.

"Throw as many eggs onto the shelves
as possible.

'You must lie flat on your bed at all
times. Most eggs on the shelf wins.
You have 100 seconds."

'Sounds like this shouldn't be
too difficult, Asim.
LAUGHTER

Have we got this
for some weird health and safety?

Hey, it's because eggs are sturdy!
LAUGHTER

Use the force, Luke.
LAUGHTER

'100 seconds starts...
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
Let's egg!

CHEERING
Ooh, that's unlucky.

CHEERING

Three at a time. You've got plenty
of time. Plenty of time, Asim.

CHEERING
Very nice, Liza.

CHEERING

Yeah, doing alright. Doing alright.

Ooh!

Oh, I've got egg on me.
CHEERING

Ohh!

30 seconds left.

That's your last egg.
Oh, that was lucky.

That's your last one.
Have you got a basket?

Not long left. Not many eggs left.

LAUGHTER
I haven't got any eggs.

It's very egg-citing, isn't it?
LAUGHTER

HE BLOWS WHISTLE
And that is the end of egg fun.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'You count those up, bring them down,
we'll see how that's affected
the final scores. OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, do you want me
to tell you about the eggs?

Yes, I would like you to tell me
about the eggs.

Alice got two on the shelf.

I think one bounced out. Yes.

'No. I was watching.
You had a very nice trajectory,
but it was 17 feet behind you.

LAUGHTER
We had Alice on two, Asim, three,

'Russell and Tim both got five,
but Liza is very good at throwing
eggs onto a shelf. She got six eggs!

'Again? Who knew?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Who knew?

You're the ultimate
renaissance woman. It is incredible.

She's now on treble figures.
She's on 103 for the series.

'Alice and Asim are on 76 and 77,
to give you some idea
of how far ahead she is.

I think you might be
Britain's most powerful woman.

But, today,
the final scores look like this.

Here it comes. Viney.
It's Vine time!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Well done. Oh!

And there you have it. Tim Vine
is the winner of episode five.

Please go and gather
all of your sturdy stuff!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

'So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt that when Britain
finally sets sail and leaves the EU,

'we'll know because the road signs
will say London to Brighton
390,000 lobsters.

'And we've learnt that Tim Vine
won the episode.
Who could possibly forget that?

Now, you, get down there.
I'll show you what sturdy is.

Join us next time! Goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media