Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 4 - BMXing! - full transcript

The five get manly with a cardboard box, have fun with fun, get arty with cream and shaky with the taskmaster. Now with added assistant!

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh!

Phhht!

SHE LAUGHS
Eugh!

Come on!

YES! Erm...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you and of course, hello.

I'm Greg Davies and this is
Taskmaster. Three episodes down -

we've already learned so much about
the five contestants.

We've learned their names,
for example, but for those who



haven't got that far, here's what
our contenders are usually called.

They are Alice Levine...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Asim Chaudhry,

Liza Tarbuck,

Russell Howard and Tim Vine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, like a blob
of mayonnaise that's dripped

out of your sandwich
onto your trousers,

there to remain a nagging
reminder of all the clumsy

mistakes in life you've ever made,

it's little Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. It's nice to be here.

Here to my left,
he's as mild as he is meek,

it's my assistant little Ian.



APPLAUSE

Thank you, sir. Ready?
When you are, sir.

What the hell is this?

My assistant, Ian. We play squash
together and I've offered him a job.

Where are you getting the money from?

Taken some of the money
from the budget.

Sorry, Ian, you're going to have to
leave.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

No, fuck you.
THEY LAUGH

I don't want to embarrass Ian,
he seems like a perfectly nice chap,

but if you'll tell him
to leave I'll be grateful.

You've got to go now.
No problem, sir.

Can you book me a car,
though, for after?

What kind of car would you like?

Don't give a shit,
just make it silver.

APPLAUSE

let's start the episode. OK, Alex.

We're going to start off
with a prize task.

This week's prize category is
the most thought-provoking thing.

The person whose thing provokes
the most thought from you, Greg,

will get a maximum of five points
and at the end of the show,

the person with the most points
across the episode will take

home five thought-provoking things.

It's simple but also exciting,
like me.

Quite long-winded though,
wasn't it? It was a little bit.

Asim. Right.

Do you believe that everyone's got
a doppelganger in life? Yes, I do.

I was saying it to Alex before the
show. Yeah, and I was saying to...

LAUGHTER

So, my mate was in LA
and he went into this restaurant

and there was a
painting of this Iranian prince

from, like, the 17th century
and this is my doppelganger.

Here we go.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Not bad. That's good.

It's real!

It provoked this thought,

"Yeah, that painting
looks a bit like Asim."

What I would like you to do is give
voice to the prince. OK.

I'm going to look at that
and you say what you want.

IN CHILDISH VOICE:
Papa G, I love you.

You are a part of my royal kingdom
and I look like Asim and you're

going to give me the prize for this
task cos I love you, Papa G.

Well done, Asim. It's an interesting
opener. Thank you, Papa.

Not a problem, my child. Who's next?
Tim Vine, on the right. Here he is.

Ah, lovely. Thought-provoking.

I collect records.
That's my decision, and it's vinyl.

LAUGHTER AND GROANS
Oh, come on!

This album I bought,

by Bill and Kate, I can't
understand what meeting...

They looked at that and said, "Yeah,
that's great. Let's go with that."

Do you want to see it? Please.

LAUGHTER

They're both out of focus. Yeah.

And they've got this weird
sort of gap on his right.

Were they there at the same time or
was that early Photoshop? Exactly.

So many questions. Oh, my God. It's
worse than that, I've worked it out.

What? Bill's dead.
THEY GASP

Some ghost shit.

I mean, that provoked more thought
than I ever dreamt.

Do you want to move on to Liza?
I do, but, I mean, I'm still...

I'm having so many thoughts
being provoked.

Liza, provoke my thought.

The sort of whole concept of
Nikola Tesla. Nicola Tes... Nikola.

Nikola. Yeah. Tesla.

If I find out this guy didn't
put his name to Tesla cars,

I'm going to be so disappointed.

I think Tesla cars nicked him.
Oh, thank God.

Without him we wouldn't have X-rays,

we wouldn't have remote controls,
we wouldn't have lights.

The big deal is he was stopped.
He wanted free energy for everybody.

JPMorgan, who was funding him,

kind of closed him down and
sold him as a lunatic. Oh, God.

What became of him, Liza? Oh,
he died in a hotel room, penniless.

Oh, shut up.

TESLAAA!

I think cos it has to be a prize,

we can't give him,
so we've got some of his files.

It's a good job you did
the talking before we saw that!

LAUGHTER

Dear, oh, dear. OK. So, we've got
the concept of Tesla. Yeah, good.

Shall we move on to Alice Levine?
Alice Levine.

This was a thought-provoking book
that I read recently.

LAUGHTER

It's provoked a thought.

Just some really incredible bits

of thought-provoking
philosophy in her book.

I've got a few of them here.
Oh, you've jotted a few down.

"If you break the law,
you have to pay."

Wow. That's deep.
That's deep, isn't it?

It's incredible because that's
so not deep that you're

looking for angles underneath her
saying you shouldn't break the law.

Right, OK. Judge Judy was more
thought-provoking

than I thought, I guess.

Who's next? The final person
is Russell Howard, there. OK.

So, I was on a plane recently
and a Buddhist monk sat next to me

and then I was looking at what
he was playing on his iPad,

and he was playing a game
that was a fidget spinner,

and he was just
spinning it like that.

And I just couldn't stop
thinking about his life.

Is that what he does to get
away from Buddhism?

He's like, "Yeah, see you in a bit."

And then just gets a flight
and just spins, fidgets...

Or when you get to
the end of Buddhism,

do you pull back a curtain
and it's just a big fidget spinner?

He's completed Buddhism? When you
get to the end of Buddhism. Right.

Yeah, when you get to
the end of Buddhism.

Are you ready to judge, Greg? I am.

In last place, with one point, is...

Asim. Oh, come on!

Asim gets one. Just up from that,
a lot of thought and it made me

scream into the air but yet, pound
for pound, is a little bit dry.

It's Tesla. Tesla.
Liza gets two points.

Then I'm going to pop Alice in,

and I've made some really good
notes about yours.

I wrote this note, ready?
"Made me think."

LAUGHTER

In second place, with four points -
controversial,

because whatever they're up to,
Bill and Kate,

it provoked so much thought in me,
it still is -

but Buddhism, it's a
worthy winner, isn't it?

Russell Howard wins. Five points.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's get going. Alex.

Yes, and here's a task to celebrate
all the men out there. At last.

CLICKS FINGERS

OK. It's a box.

Hi, possums. Sorry.
Don't be sorry.

"Do something manly with this
cardboard box."

"Manliest thing wins."

"You've got 20 minutes.
Your time starts now." Mm.

I could get in it and cough,
couldn't I,

and pretend I've got flu.
LAUGHTER

Manly, though.
What does manly mean, you know?

DIY is pretty manly.

It means they've got a man's
characteristics.

The word macho, isn't it? Macho.

I'm going to need a woman. OK.

I'll get you a woman.

I mean, the manliest thing
I can think of

is just beating the shit out of it.

You know. Like, windmilling it.
Just...

OK, let's go for it.

Come on then, world.
Stand by for a bit of manly.

APPLAUSE

Who are we going to see first?

We're going to start with an actual
man - Mr Vine. Here we go.

# Tasty

# Damn, you're tasty

# So baby lick your lips
HONKS HORN

# And take a bite

# Baby I'm all yours tonight

# You're looking too tasty

# Yeah, damn, you're tasty

# Give it to me now. #

APPLAUSE

Fantastic! It worked for me.

At a time when men, you know,
are under a lot of fire,

what a wonderful display
of manliness. Helluva start.

Who's next? The bar is set high.

We're going to move on to Asim
and Alice. These two.

Ah!

ROBOTIC VOICE: Hi, Asim.
My name is iFeel. How do you feel?

Hi, iFeel. I feel...

Well, I don't know how I feel.

You'll be playing the part of Woman.
OK.

I'll be playing the part of Man.
Right.

I'm going to ask you to do
something,

and I'm going to pay you
for it. OK. OK?

Can you tell me the words to
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star? Yes.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are...

I feel like everyone wants me
to be a big strong man

but when I talk about my feelings
everyone just takes the piss.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Never feel bad
about feeling, Asim.

There's nothing more manly than
a man talking about how he feels.

True.

OK, I'm going to pay you £20.

I'm now going to do the same
for you.

Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder what you are...

I'm playing the part of Man so I'm
going to pay myself all of this, OK?

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

ROBOTIC VOICE: The more we talk, the
more we learn. The more we love.

Would you like a hug, Asim?

Yeah, I'd love a hug.
ROBOTIC VOICE: Hug!

All right. Yeah, coming.

That's a good hug. Cheers, mate.

ROBOTIC VOICE: HUG!
All right, I'm hugging.

ROBOTIC VOICE: HUG!
Bit needy, isn't he?

So, that was my piece,

housed here in the Cardboard Box
Theatre on the manly gender pay gap.

APPLAUSE

I seem to remember finding
it funnier,

but I obviously took it quite
seriously. Rightly so!

No, I thought it's good to make
a political point. Why not?

Absolutely.
Asim, your affection robot. Yeah.

Toxic masculinity is quite
a horrible thing,

and I'm from, like, you know,
a certain place in London

and we all have to be big men, we've
got to be hard and all this. Yeah.

So I thought if I could do a robot,
like, you know what I mean?

Give me a little hug.
It's not gay. Not gay.

LAUGHTER
Hold that thought.

I'm going to send us
into a break now. BREAK!

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome all over again.

My name is Greg Davies and I am the
Taskmaster and this is Taskmaster.

Before the break we were...
Alex, what were we doing?

There were manly things going on,
Greg.

Remember Asim and Alice made in turn
a poignant remark on the male

psyche and an important
statement on the gender pay gap.

Also, Tim Vine took his top off!

Hey! AUDIENCE: Hey!

We're going to see the final
two together now.

Liza Tarbuck and Russell Howard.

Let's see what we can come up with.
Cos we're good at this, aren't we?

Yeah. You get me a pipe. OK.

And let's meet outside.
See you in a minute. Yep.

Right, let's get this...
If I can get this off. Oh.

I've got some tattoos,
you may have noticed. Yeah.

Beard, petrol, Clarkson and
Top Gear. So, what's your problem?

I was thinking...
Don't listen to your mum!

KNOCK ON DOOR

There you are.
I'll take that one out.

Do you want...
Do you want anything else?

OK. Give us a shout
if you want anything.

APPLAUSE

I might go back to university.
What the fuck?

Go down the local abattoir,
take your own hammer

and start taking names.

Next! Tinder?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

If you want to get a woman, what do
you do? I've told you before.

Hammer, abattoir. No. No!

If you want to get a woman, the best
advice - light a fire... Right.

Get what you killed at the abattoir,
burn - hopefully - pig.

The scent of the meat will bring
the lady to you. Cook her the meat.

Bang, done. Marriage. Till,
of course, SHE FUCKS YOUR BROTHER!

You all right, Russell? What?
You OK? Yeah, I'm fine. Yeah.

I felt pretty manly.

I forgot my tie and all.

BOX SNORES

APPLAUSE

The contrast was perfect, there.
Yeah.

Such a different... Such a different
understanding of manly.

I was onboard with all of the stuff
- the saw, the toplessness,

the tattoos, and then we got on to
the taking a hammer to an abattoir.

LAUGHTER
Listen, I don't know.

I'm not the most manly man
but I imagine that's what they do.

That's what they do. Not according
to Liza Tarbuck though.

It was actually quite heartbreaking.
Yeah.

Good role model, wasn't it?
Of days gone by, hopefully. Really?

Well, I don't know. I've never been
a subservient female.

Yet.

There were crusts,
crisps and mustard on the plate.

And the tea had three sugars in.
No need. No need.

But she added the sugars.
Of course. Yeah, we...

Cos that's what that pig would want
in his tea, isn't it? Leave him!

Leave him. You know what he's up to
when you're not looking?

He's down the abattoir
with a hammer...

OK, so, you've seen them all,
Greg. Yes, I have.

You've got to judge them now.
I know. And it's very difficult. Hm.

What I'm going to do is I'm going
to give four points to everybody

apart from the heartbreak
of Liza's broken woman.

Aw! One point more.
One point more? Five points!

Wow! I thought
I was out of the game there!

OK, I'm ready for the first
scoreboard update, please.

It's close today. We have a leader,
though, at this point.

It's a man, it's Russell Howard,
with nine points. But it's close.

APPLAUSE

Very good. Now, what I'd like, now
that we've done some serious

issues on this programme,
I'd like something fun.

Have you got something fun lined
up for me? I've got something fun.

Are you ready for the fun?

Yes, please. Bring on the fun.
Here comes the fun.

Hello, Liza. You, there.
Hello, Asim. Hi.

Oh, hello, Tim. Hello.

You've got mail. We've got mail.
Shall we...can we?

Let's have a look.

Liza, why don't you do the honours?
OK. Go on.

"Have the most fun!
You have three minutes.

"At the end of which you must
return to the caravan

"and await your second task."

"Have the most fun.

'"You have three minutes, after which
you must return to the caravan
and await the second task."

So are we just having fun now?
Having fun. Woohoo!

I'm going to the shed! What about
me? Stuff out the tool shed? Yeah!

Here's some fun!
They've got loads of...

Erm... I'm not really into fun.

Two very different responses
to that, there.

Listen, let's get into them.

I want to see how these guys
have fun together.

OK, well, fun is enjoyment,
amusement or light-hearted pleasure.

Let's start with Alice and Russell.

Actually, do you know what
I really love? Go. A bath.

But you love football,
so why don't I have a bath

while you play football?
That makes sense.

So you sit in the bath
and I'll chip the ball to you.

I believe the football's here.

GROANS
So...

If there was hot water in here
and I had a glass of wine...

I'll get you some wine.
Having fun, Alice?

Erm... Oh, now...

Sherry in the bath? That seems to
make sense. There you go. Lush.

Thank you. There's some
sherry in a bath. Thank you.

This might make somebody
really happy.

Maybe a little old lady out there
is rubbing herself silly

over the idea of Alice in a bath
and me doing keepy-ups.

Ten seconds
and then you've got to go...

And, like, she's at home going,
"Aah, aah! Oh, God! I'm close!

"I'm close!" Five seconds,
then back in the caravan.

We're going to have to get back
in the caravan. Oh, God!

What fun!
WHISTLE BLOWS

Hi. You've got mail. Oh.

What's happening?

"Exactly recreate
your attempt at the first task.

"The most accurate task
reconstruction wins.

"You have three minutes."

"Your time starts
when Alex shouts his own name."

Well, I was totally drawn in by your
initial definition of fun.

I like a bath,
I like watching Russell Howard

keep a football up in the air.
Those are both fun things for me.

Washing and exercise. Yeah, lovely.

Halfway through,

you suggested that there might be
an old woman masturbating.

Listen, we don't know
that there isn't.

No, I know, but...

And she's here tonight!

OK, let's watch the second part
of that, then. Yes, here we go.

Alex Horne! Um, I don't
really like having fun. Oh, but...

What did I say? Oh, actually, I love
a bath, I find baths really fun.

Why don't you have a bath and I'll
play football? You do keepy...?

Yeah, yeah. OK. In fact,
there's a football in the shed,

so I'll go get that.

This would be absolutely perfect
if there was hot water in here

and a glass of wine.
Oh, a glass of...?

OK, well, there is some booze,
so I'll go get you some booze.

Are you having fun, Alice?
Yes, I am.

Oh!

Sherry in the bath? Yes.

What is it, sherry? It's sherry.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, that's pungent.

Then I said, "Well, to be honest,
there's probably a little old lady

"who's sat at home and
it's kind of her dream

"to watch Alice Levine in a bath
as I do keepy-ups."

You said something about rubbing...
Rubbing herself silly.

Touching herself at
me doing keepy-ups.

She was, like,
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah."

Yeah, she was sort of sat there
going, "I'm close, I'm close!

"If you can do that thing like that
and then volley it..."

Did you go in first or second?
I went in first. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

We did all right. We did all right.

The accuracy of the recreation was
unbelievable, wasn't it?

I felt so ashamed for being, like,

"You said something about her
rubbing herself."

And then you said, "Yeah! Ah, yeah!"

Let's stop all the fun right there
and, for a while,

glaze over for some adverts.

See you shortly.

APPLAUSE

Oh, hi, baby,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.

We're in the thick of a
fun task with a twist,

isn't that right, little Alex Horne?

That's right,
this is a tricky one, Greg.

Alice and Russell have had as much
fun as possible for three minutes

and then opened another task asking
them to have it all over again,

replicating the first bout
of fun as precisely as possible.

Now we're going to ask Asim,
Liza and Tim to have their fun.

BMXing!

That's fun!

Stashing it in there. So much fun.

Are you having fun?
This is so much fun, this.

How many minutes have we had, gents?
1 minute 45 left.

I'll try hoop this over your head.
OK, that's great!

CHEERING
Hark at you!

Oh! I don't know how much more fun
I can have. That is so much fun.

With the fence. I'm going to
try and hit the mailbox.

Nice work.

Immediately fun.
Can you catch my potato?

That's fun!

Through the hoop!

Fun!

Fun!

Absolutely mental banter!

Oh, look, the cushions are loose!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Back into the caravan, please.
Back in, back in. That's fun.

Right.

Oh. Hello.

"Exactly recreate your attempt
at the first task."

Everyone's going,
"They can't recreate that madness."

There's only one thing I'd like
to say before we see it -

what's the best fun you
could ever have?

BOTH: BMXing!

They've got a combined age of 135.

OK, this is their attempt to
recreate that. OK.

Alex Horne!

SHE SHRIEKS

Come on! I'm doing that.

It's exhau...

That's fun. Stashing it in there.
That is so much fun.

Did I come back here for some fun?

How many minutes have we had, gents?

1 minute 45 left. I'll try and
get this hoop over you.

Oh, OK. Yeah, OK.

Whoa, fun!

I'm running off for a spud.

So much fun.

Hey, look, there's cushions in here!

Will you catch my potato? Yeah.

That's fun!

The hooper! Yeah!

Through the hoop, go!

Fun!

Oh, hang on...

SHE LAUGHS AND SHRIEKS

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

30 seconds left.

That's so much fun! Look at my hat!

Banter! Mental banter!

Guys, this is insane!

WHISTLE BLOWS

"Will you catch my potato?"

Pretty fun stuff.

OK, you've got to judge two tasks
there - first of all,

which team had the most fun and then
which team recreated it best?

I would say both teams
recreated the fun

they were having fairly accurately.
OK, then.

So I would give them both the same
points. How many points? Three.

Yes, OK. No, four, I'll give them
four out of five.

Five, maybe? Yeah. Five?

Five.

LAUGHTER

Who had the most fun?

Well, I think both teams had
a lot of fun doing that.

How many points for Alice and
Russell and how many for the others?

Two for Alice and Russell,
three for the others. There. Done.

OK, you're the boss, here we go.

On we go, can we have something
arty and edible, please?

OK, how about some art made
with your favourite food?

HE GASPS

Yeah?

Hi, cherub.

Hi.

Oh, hello, Liza. Oh, God.

Well, it's probably not what I think
it is, is it? Is it squirty cream?

Yes. Oh, then it is what
I think it is.

"Make the best art using
the entire contents

"of this can of squirty cream."

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Hmm...

That's a lovely start, isn't it?

I share a birthday with Magritte.
How old is Magritte?

He's dead now. Oh.

OK, I think I've got an idea.
I'll be right back.

I'm going to have a
look in the shed.

Classic first stop for art,
right? Into the shed?

Into the shed, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're going to see all five of them

making their art in their own
different ways. Here we go.

So, this is not just a piece of art,

but it's also a bit of
social commentary.

What if I run out of cream?

Right, I want you on the canvas.
Just draping?

Yeah, sort of sprawled, as
if something terrible has happened.

As long as we get the outline,
I think it's fine. Nice, nice. Yep.

And let's have this arm
sort of a bit more flaily.

Mmm.

Ooh, look at that dirty sod
flipping off there! Look at it! Ooh!

This is proper art now.

I think I'm done.

I'd buy that.

I think it's finished.

Global warming. Time's running out.

Oh, God.

It's got a life of its own!

SHE CHUCKLES

Let's see Asim's and Tim's.
Here we go.

There they are.

You're the artist, you'd better
talk us through your thinking,

a powerful social statement.

Yeah, global warming,
you know, just...

It was snowing two weeks
ago in spring or whatever it is.

Yeah. It's mental.

I know. I came out onto my balcony
and saw the snow and thought,

"Ah, this is like...

"This is like putting a giraffe
in a bell jar with..."

LAUGHTER
"..cream."

You know what I mean? That's some
pretty powerful social commentary.

Tim, the floor's with you. ER.

ER, that's...

The name of that piece of art is
Her Majesty the Cream.

LAUGHTER

Cos it's ER.

It deserved more.
Her Majesty the Cream.

FORCED LAUGHTER

I don't think they've heard,
actually. Her Majesty...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

That's really good.

Who's next?

We can see Liza and Russell's.

I think, let's have a
look at Liza's first.

OK, I'll get Liza's up first.

You're the artist. Yeah.

I've got a bit of a
thing about gaffer.

So, yeah, just use the cream,
do that, did it. You know.

You called it...the name was Once.

Yeah. And you said it
wasn't a happy piece.

No, it's not.
It's troublesome, isn't it?

Why is it called Once?

Well, that's not how it started.

So, the whippy cream
that was once there

was actually
predominantly on the floor,

cos it had dripped in a slightly
filthy way down the brickwork.

Want to see Russell's? Yes, I do.

This is before, and then
when the body was taken away,

the remaining picture
looked like this.

Oh, that's good.
Oh, it's quite haunting. Yeah.

Can you remember what I called it?

My Balls? No.

You called it the
Diabetic Crime Scene. That's it.

Your two hobbies were
diving and ukulele playing,

you were about to enjoy
the day to end all days

and some swine came along
and chopped your nuts off.

It's like having the
audio guide in the gallery.

One left to see. Yeah. Oh, God!

Alice Levine's
squirty cream picture.

She used coffee granules
to make it brown,

she's the only one who affected the
colour by mixing in another agent.

Oh, my God, she's at the
vanguard of a new movement.

I don't think I'll be
appreciated in my lifetime.

You will not. Tragic.

Talk us through it.
It's a beautiful piece.

So I worried about
the subjectivity of art

and what you would
consider the best.

Jesus. And so I...

LAUGHTER

..I copied the Mona Lisa,
can't you tell?

Although it does look a tiny bit
like Guy Fawkes, but that's OK.

Yeah. You were the only
person to use a paintbrush,

which was quite...so you
squirted it out and then...

That's...that's got to get her big
art points. I'm not an expert...

Do you want to see all five
next to each other

and then make a decision?
Yes, I do, please.

Before you mark it, can I just say
again, Her Majesty the Cream.

LAUGHTER

OK, shall I make some
quick decisions? OK, then.

In fifth place, with one point...

Thank you.

I'm just going to
score these very quickly.

Global Warming in fifth. OK.

I really enjoyed
Her Majesty the Cream.

Oh...

..but I'm putting it in fourth.

And then, um...

..chopped-off balls.
OK. Three points to Russell.

And it is...it's Liza's,
it's haunting me.

It's going in first place,
and the Mona Crema in second place.

OK, so five points to Liza Tarbuck.

Wow, I can't believe it.

Wonderful artwork.

Alex, have we got time for one more?

We do, it's a quick,
it's an easy one. It's this one.

'Hello, Alex. Oh, hello, Russell.

Fiver under a pint.

'"Remove the £5 note
from under the pint...

"..without spilling
any of the pint."

ALICE: "You may not touch
the pint glass.

"If you spill any of the pint,

"you're disqualified
from the whole thing."

"Fastest wins."

'Oh, is this one of
those boys' tricks?

Does it say your time starts now?
Oh, time starts now. Yeah.

OK.

Pretty straightforward. You're
not allowed to touch the glass.

Not allowed to touch the glass,
but you've got to get it off the £5.

We're going to start with
Alice and Russell. Oh, God!

So, if I drank all of the pint...

But then I'd be
touching the pint glass.

Oh, unless I drank it with a straw.

Christ.

I can't drink all of that
against the clock!

I'll be sick.

It tastes like truancy.

LAUGHTER

Hmm...hmm...

LAUGHTER

I know you're thinking
that it's not going to work.

But there's no evidence
to...to that effect.

Thank you, Russell.

Would have been quick, wouldn't it?

APPLAUSE

Not terrible attempts.

No. No, Russell took
one minute and 19.

Alice, bit slow.

Minor breakdown halfway through,

when you decided to start using a
cup that was bigger than the glass.

Yes. Yes.

It was pretty sound up to that
point. Give me some statistics.

It was three minutes 27.

There was a hint of spillage,
just a little bit. Oh.

What?!

Alex, you're such a snitch!

I mean, it is my job. And, well...

I've just put it in the
little replay package.

Are you...? You...

Just cos, if there's any spillage,
you're not...

I've got so much dirt on you,
just remember that.

Well, you can judge whether or
not this is a spillage.

Hmm...

Why have you done a full
MacIntyre Undercover on me?

I had to clean it up, so...

It's your job!

Should be ashamed of
yourself, woman!

Part there is finished, it's done,
it's over, through. Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
some truly thought-provoking items

are soon to be claimed by
one of our five contestants.

But for now, back to business.

That's right, and this business
is trying to pinch a fiver

from beneath a pint,
but the pint can't be moved.

Alice and Russell
used a straw technique.

What technique will our next two,
Tim and Asim, use?

Let's see.

OK...

HE SIGHS

Now, is there anything...?

What do they have things
here that...?

I don't know what the hell that is,
but this is...

This is not me touching the pint
glass, look,

I'm not touching the pint glass.

If you just anchor the thing down,
you see, like that...

See, now you...

Actually, no, that's making...
That's making it...

I now don't want to
spill any of the pint.

I've transferred the pint,
slightly, onto this thing.

Oh, I just realised,
the new £5 notes

are waterproof, aren't they?

I thought it would sog up and...

Yeah, I don't think
it's done anything.

Remove the £5 note from
under the pint...

Yeah, I'm not allowed
to touch the point...

Oh, easy, OK.

There we go.

Oh, I should have done this earlier.

And...stop!

APPLAUSE

What...what was the plan
if the fiver had sogged up?

It would have just
ripped and then, like...

What, you're going to
tear it round...?

Yeah, just tear it round,
just, like...I don't know.

It's the new bloody £5 notes, innit?

They're, like...plastic, waterproof.

Bloody Brexit, innit?

LAUGHTER

It's all Brexit, mate.

Did you understand that...

It's going to rip round it,
but it's still underneath it.

There's still going to be
a circle of £5 note there.

I don't know, I don't know.
I was just winging it, wasn't I?

It was very difficult to tell if
you spilt any cos it was all wet.

No, no spillage, mate. I don't think
there was any spillage with mine.

I don't think so,

despite you putting the
revolting brush thing in it.

I don't know what that was.
I think it belonged to the landlord.

He had one tooth, which...

Do you want the timings?

Yeah, come on, let's get on with it.
Timings, yeah.

So, Tim, it took him two minute
54 seconds. God, that's rubbish.

So that's nearly three minutes
to push a pint off a note. OK.

Remember,
Russell took one minute 19,

Asim took one minute 20. Oh!

But it feels like there's
a good time out there, still.

You should be able to do it in under
a minute. Do you want to see Liza?

Yes, please. OK.

'So, the thing is,
just to really pull it.

'Am I quick enough?

'Am I quick enough?

'No. AUDIENCE: Awww!

'Thank you.

Moving it on.

"Can I do it? No."

I mean, she was quick.
She was very quick.

So, what does that mean?
Give us some...

Well, I'm afraid it's zero
points for Alice and Liza,

who both spilt so much beer.

Oh...so much!

You messy pups!

Tim gets three points in third,

then Asim in second place
with four points,

Russell gets five points
for winning the task!

APPLAUSE

Now, Alex, may we please
see the scoreboard? Yes.

It means Alice and Asim
are adrift with 18 points. OK.

But the other three are still in it,

and Russell is still in the lead
with 24 points.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

OK, well, here's something novel.

Would you please all follow
me up to the stage... What?

..for the final task of the show.

This is weird.

Welcome to the stage.

Yeah, I like it.
Who do you want to read the tasks?

I'd like Russell to read the tasks.
Russell Howard? Yes, Russell Howard.

OK, there we go, Russell.

When tapped on the shoulder,

shake hands with the Taskmaster,
that's Greg,

without revealing your identities.

You may not speak during the task.

Everyone must shake hands
with the Taskmaster once

for at least two seconds.

If the Taskmaster guesses
your identity, you are eliminated.

The task continues
until we have a winner.

Thank you, Russell. Pleasure.

If you want to pop your blindfold
on now, Greg. Consider it popped.

I'm just going to run through
how it's going to work, OK?

You're going to be
randomly selected...

..and then Greg will
put his hand forward.

You come forward,
and you shake his hand...

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

..for at least two seconds.

Oh, I thought
this was going to be so easy.

LAUGHTER

You can go...you can go now.

And then Greg will guess who it is.

After all five people have shaken,

I will say how many
people he's got right.

The people he's got wrong have to
go and sit on the elimination bench.

Greg, whose hand did you just shake?

Oh...now, that's interesting,

cos I thought that was
you demonstrating,

so I think it was your hand.

Good. Was it?

LAUGHTER

I think that shows he is beatable.

So, Greg will be the only one
talking throughout the entire task.

I'm going to walk behind you.

If I tap you on your shoulder,
you approach.

Very clever.

Greg, whose hand did you just shake?

Asim's. Oh, for...

Stay there.

No talking.
Try not to give it away. Sorry.

I don't like it.

Oh...

Yeah, nice.

OK, that's enough shaking.

It's Russell.

Again, no reactions, please.

LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Oh, God.

Whose hand? Um...

Tim Vine.

Oh, sh...!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, f...

Now, was that at least two seconds?

Oh, OK, OK. It's been given.

Liza Tarbuck.

There is one shake remaining.

Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no, the breathing's awful.

Erm...

Whose hand was that?
Russell Howard's.

Please could the people
who he got right

go now to the elimination bench?

I think we have a winner.

Can I...? OK.

Alice Levine is the winner!

Was it that one? Ah!

Oh, that was horrible!

Let's all make our way
back down from the stage

and we'll find out the final scores.

APPLAUSE

Well, that was pretty strange.
Glad to be back in the throne.

Mm-hm. Can I have my snack,
please, Alex?

Oh, can I have my snack please, Ian?
Certainly, sir.

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Hm.

What happened to the scores?

LAUGHTER

Interesting tactics
in the handshake.

Asim very cleverly
disguised his hand

using his very distinctive jacket.

LAUGHTER

In the end,

Alice won by having a hand that
felt like Russell Howard's hand.

Well, that means I can tell you
the series scores, first of all.

Very tight at the bottom. Yeah.

Thanks very much!

Asim on 58,

Alice on 60

and Tim on 61.

In the 70s, Russell on 72,

Liza on 78.

APPLAUSE

This has been our
closest episode by far,

just six points separating
all five of them.

Asim at the bottom,

but at the top, Mr Russell Howard!

Wahey!

APPLAUSE

Would you believe it? With his first
victory of the series thus far,

Russell Howard has won.

Please go and collect your
thought-provoking material!

So, what have we learnt today?
We've learnt what a man is.

A man sits watching the golf,

stands around topless
at the side of a road,

doesn't talk about
his feelings often enough,

and gets paid way too much before
smacking a cow with a hammer.

But for now, we need to
clap like lunatics one more time

for tonight's winner,
the brilliant Russell Howard!

Well done to him!

APPLAUSE

And thank you for watching.
Goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media