Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 6, Episode 1 - The Old, Soft, Curved Padlock - full transcript

5 new guests start the new season; Actor Asim Chaudhry, comedian Russell Howard, TV presenter Liza Tarbuck, 'comedian' Tim Vine, and the lovely DJ Alice Levine. But can they complete the kooky challenges set by little Alex Horne?

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Oh, oh!

Oh!

Ugh!

HE SCOFFS

Come on!

Yes!

Hurray.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, friends.

I'm Greg Davies and this is
the lovely new series of Taskmaster.

The run is now
a massive ten episodes in length.



INTAKE OF BREATH

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

So, enjoy this energy
while it's real,

and then enjoy watching me trying to
sustain it as the weeks pass by.

HE SIGHS

Five box-fresh competitors
have been completing some fiendish

tasks for me to judge.

And I am so ready to do that.
So ready.

So, let's meet the quintet
tussling for the Taskmaster trophy.

Your five rookie rivals are...

Alice Levine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Asim Chaudhry!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Liza Tarbuck!



Russell Howard!

And Tim Vine!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I'm afraid he's back again.
It's my impersonal assistant.

HE SINGS: # He says he's tall, but
he's not tall,

# It's little Alex Horne. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good singing.

I'm not little. I'm six foot two
and overweight. Yeah?

And now, because you call me
Little Alex Horne this much,

everyone calls me now Little
Alex Horne. But you are little.

I'm not little. My children,
my children don't call me Daddy now.

They call me Little Alex Horne.

LAUGHTER

It's completely true.
It's completely... I hope they do.

They do, and they call you daddy.

Genuinely true. Shall we crack on?

Yes, we're going to begin with
the prize task.

Pause in case of the cheer.
OK, so our...

LAUGHTER

The new gang are not only
playing for the fancy series trophy,

but every episode they also compete
to win each other's stuff.

Today, to christen the series,
we've asked them

to bring in the best liquid.
Wow. Yes.

Everyone knows the Taskmaster loves
his liquid, so whoever...

Oh, mmm-mmm, I do.

Whoever he thinks has the best
liquid

will get the first five
points of the series.

LAUGHTER

And at the end of the episode,

the winner will take home
gallons of lovely fluid.

Lovely. Lovely. Let's hear from you
lot, shall we? Alice Levine?

I've gone for blood. Oh. We can see
it. First of all. There it is.

And then it's... "Whose blood
is it?" is the obvious question.

That's mine.

Wow.

I didn't really know what the
definition of best was,

which is obviously
the aim of the game. Oh.

So I asked my friend who's
a teacher,

who obviously knows everything,
so, yeah, she just kind of did

some scientific research to decide
that blood was the best.

Do you want me
to show the scientific working?

Oh, yeah, we've got a graph.
I've got the data.

LAUGHTER

Custard is a controversial one,
obviously.

It depends whether it's hot or cold.

So, you decided you'd bring blood on
and then you got a teacher to...

To do your work for you without
justification.

OK, that's a really unusual
phrasing of what happened.

I used to be a teacher, Alice.
Let's get this on record now.

They know fuck all.

Nice. Asim, can you beat
a vial of blood for a best liquid?

It's my own vape juice that I got
made for my character, Chabuddy G,

and his thing is, like, peanut dust
and everyone was, like,

"You've got to start doing peanut
dust vape, bro."

So, we got some mad scientist,
Vape Lord, to get, like,

make peanut dust vape
with my face on it.

And now very cleverly you're
advertising it at our expense.

Yeah, yeah.
LAUGHTER

So, there we go, yeah.

Does it actually contain peanuts?
No. No.

Do you want to move on to Liza?
Yes, I do.

Liza Tarbuck, welcome. Thanks very
much. Liquids, are you a fan?

Best liquid, there is no liquid.

There isn't any blood or
vape or anything without water.

So I researched very heavily,

where's the cleanest water on the
planet?

And what is it? There it is. Oh,
hello. It's an official place.

It's from the Cabo de Hornos...
Yeah. ..nature reserve in Chile.

And why is this water special?
It's cos it's proper clean.

LAUGHTER

Liza, sometimes when
someone's made minimal effort, it...

LAUGHTER

They can crash high into the ranks.
Russell, what have you brought in?

I think
the best liquid in the world for me

would have to be Brut for men.

It's an aftershave.
There it is. Yeah. Class.

I remember splashing it all over
myself for the first time in 1988.

I was eight and my dad gave me some
and said, "Get some of that on you."

And I kind of splashed it on,
went into school and just...

Your dad is Phil Mitchell
from EastEnders. That's right.

LAUGHTER

It was the only aftershave you could
buy when I was a young man,

which is why I didn't
lose my virginity till I was 35.

Tim Vine now. Tim, well,
a lot of pressure here.

Well, I don't feel it, because

I feel like I've gone slightly
left-field with this.

It's something that I've invented.
Fizzy Benylin.

LAUGHTER

Shut up.

Because, if you start at
the beginning,

everybody loves cough
mixture.

I genuinely do love
Benylin. Here it is.

Will you see it on the screen?

That is incredible.
APPLAUSE

I mean, the process
wasn't as hard as you might think.

I poured half of it away
and then added fizzy water.

Do you want to judge it?
It's really tricky. I'm going to...

The idea of inhaling peanuts
disgusts me.

I had a very unfortunate personal
experience with Brut back in 1983.

Oh, well, let's have that.
Come on. What's the story?

Tough shit, I'm Taskmaster.

It's a personal opinion and some of
these rounds

are based on my personal opinion.

And I'll tell you this.
There's nothing you can do about it.

LAUGHTER

OK, well, I'm going
to put them in joint last, so...

Russell and Asim in joint
last with one point?

I'm going
to put Liza's life force next up.

Next up from joint last? Yes, I am.

And then I'm going to put
Alice with blood.

And I know that Benylin isn't more
important than blood or water,

but Tim very cleverly just
tapped into something.

OK, so, three to Liza, four for
Alison, five points to Tim Vine.

There, it's done.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Alex, what treat do
we have in store?

What's the first task
proper of the series?

Oh, it's something wheelie
wheelie good.

HELICOPTER BLADES WHIR

SULTRY SAX BLUES PLAY

What an entrance. Thank you.

Thank you.

HE LAUGHS

Flipping heck!

"Perform the best stunt, using this
wheelbarrow. You have one hour.

"Your time starts now."

Oh, God.

I do all my own stunts, by the way.

I'm thinking height.

OK. We could go past and I have to
be, oh, shit.

So, if I'm kind of stood in it,
and you're kind of p...

Meh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That explained all the sexy filming
of you bringing the wheelbarrow in.

Yeah, I... You said to spice it up
this series. No, I didn't.

So I took my... I took my jacket off
and then I played the saxophone...

Oh, that's you playing, is it? Yeah.

Do you like it? I don't like it.

You have plenty of opportunity
to be sexy at home.

LAUGHTER

Shall we see one?

OK, well, Asim Chaudhry says he's
going to do something

that's sick like in an action film.

Yeah. Sick, man. Let's do it. Yeah?
Here it is. Oh.

Sometimes you've just got
to be a hero.

Coming, baby!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It is very rare that something gets
filmed in slow motion

and doesn't look spectacular.
I know, that's what I was thinking.

It was really...
It looks shit, even in slow motion.

But let's dig
deeper into the narrative,

cos there was a narrative going on
there.

Yeah, kind of, it was like damsel
in distress, tied up...

But was she in distress?

Cos she looked like she was just
standing by a bath.

Well done, Asim. It's all about
having a go, innit, sometimes?

You've got to give it a go.

LAUGHTER

Who's next? Alice? OK,
this is Alice's wheelbarrow stunt.

Are you sure?

This could either be spectacular
or a disaster,

but I think it's going to be
spectacular.

OK, I'm not a very good driver.

You've just got to do something
very simple. Straight, OK?

Straight and fast. Just do it fast.
OK. Good luck.

Just do it.

Goodbye, Alice. Goodbye.

Ready? Ready.

APPLAUSE

Wow!

CHEERING

Very popular with the audience.

Don't you worry, Asim, you're still
in the game.

Give her the points now, mate.
That was incredible.

Let's stop there for some
incredible adverts,

have a great time watching them!

Hello! And welcome back
to Taskmaster.

It's our first part two of the run

and the race is on to take home
Tim Vine's fizzy Benylin.

Not for the first time, I suspect,

Alex, would you mind reminding us
of the current tasks?

Stunts, that's the current task.

Wheelbarrow-based stunts,
to be more accurate,

and the headlines so far -

Radio One DJ chopped in half

and Kurupt FM collaborator cycled
slowly and carefully

through a light rubber brick wall.

Very accurate assessment. You
want to see Liza next?

Yes, please. This is what she did.

Uh-oh.

Can we make a zipwire?

Did you want it to deliver
something down the zipwire?

I think it should always
deliver something.

Are we thinking wheelbarrow
and black chocolates?

I was.

I know what I want.

Good luck, lads.
Straight up, please.

That looks great, actually,
doesn't it?

Release the fly!

Oh, hello!

Your chocolates have arrived.

Thank you, Liza.

APPLAUSE

Bit odd.

In 2010, I had to have one
of my kidneys removed.

Did you? Yeah, I did.

It's the only time I can remember
thinking things like that

was when I was coming round from
total anaesthetic.

I just wanted to stick things
on a wheelbarrow.

You didn't, actually.

You specifically wanted to create
a creature.

Can we have a look at Liza's
creature?

Now what is that, Liza? It's like
a sort of fly. It's a giant fly.

Like a fly. It's like a fly
that's just run a marathon.

It's also got human hands.

Yeah.

So what?

Who's next? Have you ever heard
of Russell Howard?

I believe I have.

So it's already dangerous but we're
going to make it even more dangerous

with the help of booze and fags,

because we have a swig of gin,
then we light up some cigarettes,

then I get into the shark-filled
wheelbarrow

and I go straight into the wheelie
bin of brick-filled doom.

Brick-filled doom?

Gin first.

Right, now we light up. Blow back?

I don't know how this works.
You first?

Can't reach! I just feel like a
dickhead.

I'm lit.

Jesus.

You in?

Nope.

She's lit.

Faster!

Now that's a stunt.

Dangerous, sexy,
the fucking lot, that.

Oh, man, and I'm genuinely irritated
that you have managed to make

falling out of a wheelbarrow with
a cuddly shark look quite cool.

Yeah!

Who's next? It's time for Timmy.

I'm just going to have
a look in the tool-shed.

When I begin to make my descent,

I want you to throw those four
tennis balls at me, please, Alex.

OK.

Right. Are you ready?

This stunt is called Sledge Ravine.

Sledge Ravine.

Sledge Ravine, start!

Tennis ball!

APPLAUSE

We established a base line
with yours. Yeah.

It was shit.

The question is...

..did Tim Vine limbo under it?

Did he come back round because it
was so shit?

Also, mine had my name on it because
Vine is in the word "Ravine."

I've just thought of that now,
I didn't think of that earlier.

And my middle name is Sledge,
coincidentally.

So is it Tim in first, is it?

I can't believe I'm even
contemplating it,

but he's sort of won me over.

In first?

I said I'm contemplating. OK.

Of course! Of course Tim's not
going to be in first.

OK, here we go.
Asim, clearly in last.

But I'm very fond of you.

Sledge Ravine, of course,
comes next. Two points.

Oh... Are you OK?

I'm OK with it. OK, Liza.

In third, and I'll tell you,

I am genuinely struggling
between brick-filled... Doom.

Come on, you can't even describe it,
you're torn between the two.

What even was it?

That's because I'm so frightened
by all the terror that was in it.

It had shades, it had booze, it had
fags, It had a wheelbarrow of doom,

it had Alex Horne playing Sledge
Ravine's son.

And that's just lost you
first place.

Shit!

Of course, Alice took one big idea
and she executed it beautifully,

but you were snapping at her heels
so I'm going to put you in second

and Alice in first.

I think it's time, exciting, to see
the first-ever scoreboard, Alex.

Here we go, so I think
we know who's in the lead.

It's Alice Levine out in front,
followed by Tim Vine, Liza,

Russell and Asim in last. Lovely!

APPLAUSE

Next task is...

It's some lab-based fruit fun.

Asim Chaudhry. Hey, man.
How are you doing?

All right, fitty?

Hello, Alice.

Lemons.

How have I done?

How many do you think are in there?

How many do you think are in there?

30,000.

We're both drunk, it doesn't matter.

"Make the highest tower using only
what's in the bowl.

"You may wield the knife a maximum
of five times.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

"Wield" the knife
a maximum of five times?

You don't mean, like, Psycho?
It's up to you.

APPLAUSE

So, stack some lemons up.

18 lemons are in the bowl.

Each about 10 centimetres tall,

so potentially you're making
a 1.8 metre lemon tower,

same size as me.

We've grouped the two younger
men together, Russ

and Ass.

Wait, wait, wait...

Only my mates call me that.

We're mates but not on an ass level
yet.

Ready to see Russell and Asim?

Yes, please.

Let's take that as a start.

Everything's piss poor.

So am I going from...? From the
bottom of the lemons.

I'd take it on a diagonal.
Would you?

This is my first.

Sort of like vegan Jenga.

Is Jenga not vegan anyway?

Yeah, it is!

It's a very good comeback.

Right, second wield.

I mean, that's 11 inches.

It's also eight inches. Yeah.

What's the point of cutting it?

It's just a normal lemon.

Should have just left it.

Shit.

I've just cut myself.

You all right? Yeah, fine.

Blood and bucking acid!

Straight in my eye.

It stings and fucking hurts!

It's not about the length, guys.

Can I ask, because I was watching,

why were you cutting them all in
half and putting them back together?

Mate, I don't know...

I am a lemon, right?

That's why I fucked it up.
I'm a lemon.

Blood and Acid,
title of your autobiography?

It was like watching somebody have
a breakdown

on their Blue Peter
audition tape.

Well, that's part two dealt with.

We'll deal with part three
very shortly.

APPLAUSE

Come on in!

Part three is here and our
competitors are bloodthirsty,

as in,
they are playing for some blood.

Remind us of things, please, Alex.

We've been watching lemon tower
building, Greg.

So far, we've had blood, swear and
tears from Asim and Russell.

Next up we've grouped a male and a
female, Tim and Liza. Here we go.

That's the first couple of thoughts
I've had about that.

There's probably some clever
way of doing this.

Perhaps I really just
do need to Jenga it up.

Amazing what people will watch,
innit?

That's actually gone right through.

Not enough to sting but...

..enough to make you think.

We're not going to measure
your tower.

Measure my tower?

Yeah, have you finished?

Oh, no, God, no, are you nuts?

That's not a tower,
that's not even a bungalow.

Knife's a bit pointless, innit?

That would be a bit poor,
wouldn't it? I like that less.

I've ruined it now.

That wasn't a wield,
I didn't press it in.

Nearly a wield. Nearly a wield.

There's a wield of difference.

If you were a carver,

would you say that was one wield?

A big if. It's a bit rubbish, this.

I think that is as good
as I'm going to get.

The wielding was a blooming waste
of time.

It's your final wield.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I actually wrote
down your quote then

when you squirted lemon juice
onto your crotch.

"Not enough to sting,
just enough to make you think."

I regret doing this, but I've
measured it, for some reason,

your ones in child's shoes.

What?! It got to a seven inch tower,
which is a size 11.5,

whereas Liza's was size 1.5, but
that's bigger, so it's a bad system.

Yeah.

Your system is bad but Liza's system
was actually pretty good.

That's genius.

It wasn't genius, was it?

Jesus Christ, no.

But it was all right!

You built a tower and you only did
one wield.

You didn't use all your wields up.

Couldn't be arsed.

Right, who's next?

Next up, it's Alice.

You may wield the knife
a maximum of five times

but I could wield other knives
more times. OK.

God!

Is there like a comedy lemon
in here that's made of...

Jesus!

Why would you put
that as the bottom one?

In the lemon.

It's just mean.

One minute, 30.

Oh, yeah. You'd love it
if I panicked now.

Well, they're no use anyway.

Can everyone just be calm? Can
everyone be chill?

OK, let's all just be chill.

Are you kidding me?
Are you absolutely kidding me?

# I'm having a lovely time! #

WHISTLE BLOWS

That was one of the most upsetting
things I've ever had to do.

APPLAUSE

Pretty good system, I thought.

I thought I was going to get told
off. No, why?

I don't know, you scare me a lot!

Great.

How tall was it?

Nine inches.

APPLAUSE
Good work.

Well, we know who's in...

Of course we do.

He almost deserves points for taking
it lower than it was.

Four centimetres, we've got
seven inches for Tim,

then Liza's was eight,

Alice's was nine, then we've got
the diagonal/vertical argument.

My question to you is,
what's a tower?

It's a tall narrow building,

either freestanding or forming part
of a building such as a church.

It is being supported by another
structure, as far as I'm concerned,

so that means you're saying that
Alice is in second place

and the winner, with his diagonal
tower...

Controversially,
it's Russell Howard.

Russell Howard gets five points.
APPLAUSE

Alex, let's have another task,
please.

Here's a task involving a wardrobe,
a walk and some hat restrictions.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I can see!

Hi. Hello, Alice. Oh, my gosh.

Hiya. Hello, Asim.
Finally come out the closet.

Wearing a hat, kiss
the portrait of the Taskmaster

in the Taskmaster's house.

Where am I?

The hat must not come from the
grounds of the Taskmaster's house.

Closest to 30 minutes wins.

Time starts now.

Wearing a hat?

So I need to find a hat first
then make my way home. OK, then.

What's the cupboard got to do
with anything?

That's just how we transported you.
Right.

APPLAUSE

So it seems to me it's a
fairly important point that we made,

'we didn't want them to do it
the fastest,

'we wanted them to get the closest to
exactly half an hour.

'Yeah, they've got to get there in
half an hour.

'They didn't know where they were.
They'd been driven around

'blindfolded for quite a while.
I led them to the place blindfolded.

'I was also blindfolded
whilst driving and walking.

So we were all quite confused.

'I can tell you now, they were only
about 500 metres from the house...

Right. ..but they didn't know that.

'Because they'd been blindfolded
and taken around for 15 minutes.

And drugged, yeah.

'We did of course take all
their watches and phones off them

'before the task. We're going to
start off with Tarbuck,

'named after 7/9 of the global
coffee chain.

Shall I just get on with it?

Excuse me.

'I'm just wondering if you could tell
me what time it is, honestly.

'11:10, thank you very much indeed,
thank you.

'It is actually a lovely day,
isn't it?

Good morning.

'Look at that tree!
Look at how fat it is.

'I think it's one of those
eatable chestnuts.

It's very big. Massive!

OK.

I'm going to go this way.

And I do need a hat, remember.

'I guess it's whether or not
that's a hat, Liza.

'It's clearly a hat.
It looks like a bag.

'Is a turban a hat? More of a hat
than the plastic bag was.

'It's never going to be
a perfect turban, is it?

'Is that a hat?
That's what you look like.

That's quite attractive, isn't it?

'I could be in a '70s sitcom
with that on, can't I?

'Yes, you could. Right, I'll go
and kiss Greg, then.

'How much time do you think's
passed, Liza?

I think we're in the 20s now.

Thank you, Liza. Thank you.

Well done. Nice hat.

APPLAUSE

'I really liked that. Tonally,
it sort of felt like

a BBC coastal walk.

'I love the whole idea of being
lumbered around blindfolded

and driven around, it just appeals.

'It does, because you've dreamt,
"I'll crack this."

'I felt really calm but I'm good
in a crisis.

'As soon as you were free,
you just went for a stroll.

'I was desperate to get out
that morning.

It was a beautiful day.

'You were saying hello to people...
You commented on what a lovely day.

'You were like a sort of
chilled headmistress.

She stopped to compliment a tree.

'It felt like she landed the kiss on
me bang on the 30 minute mark.

'That's my gut instinct. Let's find
out, let's see someone else.

Next up, the one and only Tim Vine

'and Asim Chaudhry.
Not the one and only. No.

'I can make a hat, I guess.
Let's have a look.

So I've made a hat.

I don't know where I am.

'It's not like I go in here...
It's not Narnia, is it?

What am I doing?

That's not going to work.

OK, right...

'Am I going the right way
for the golf club?

Is there only one golf club?

I feel like it's this way.

This must be the way.

Oh, it's there. No, it's there!

'This gap here, are we thinking?
Yeah.

'Hello, mate, you haven't got a hat,
have you?

Hat on.

APPLAUSE

'Quite a change of pace from the
two gentleman. I misunderstood.

'Same. I thought it was get there
as quickly as possible.

'You two basically had a race
back to the house.

'There's good news and bad news
for Asim, that he won the race,

'which meant he was even further
away from the half an hour mark.

'He got there in nine minutes,
which is pretty quick.

I was 20-something, surely.

You were ten minutes, 40.

As this part comes to a close,

'let's raise an imaginary glass
to part three.

APPLAUSE

'Hey, you, welcome back to
Taskmaster, final part.

Here we go, Alex.

'Am I right in thinking that I've
been kissed by three hat wearers?

'Oh, yes, you are, and also
me, of course,

'because I kiss the picture every
day wearing my little trilby.

Here is the final grouping,

Russell and Howard and Alice.

Very good.

OK, this is cool.

'I'm just going to go
a little wander,

but I don't even know the address!

'Is it 1 Taskmaster Road,
Taskmasterville?

Worth a try.

'Have you got a phone on you?
You want to make a phone call?

Yeah. Can you call my manager

'and ask him to get me
to the Taskmaster House?

Hi. Can you help me?

I'm lost.

James, it's Russ. Oh, hello, Russ.

'Can you get me an Uber to pick me
up from...?

Where did he go?

'To the right? The geezer went
and he knows!

Excuse me!

It's less than two minutes
away.

Apparently, this guy knows where
the Taskmaster's house is.

Which guy? That guy!

'OK. Elvin's given me his hat
so it's fine.

I think he's the one. Sweet.

Oh, it's a very nice car.

Let's roll.

'I was wondering
if I could borrow your hat?

I'll take that one, please.

There you go.

Looks like a hat to me.

Hello, Alice.

Hi. Just waving Simon off.

Brilliant. Cheers, Saeed.

Lovely stuff.

I will be back.

'Just going to wait a bit because I'm
a little bit early.

There we go.

About now, isn't it?

Hat, kissed it, done.

I'm going to go for it. Oh, yeah?

Thank you, Alice.

APPLAUSE

'No-one has ever said "Let's roll"
after getting into an Uber.

It felt exciting.

'I didn't know where we were,
we'd just been in a wardrobe...

'It was a rather tentative
kiss of my portrait in the end.

'I suspect you were exhausted
from winning over Elvin and Simon.

And Theodore!

I hadn't got that. The Chipmunks!

What was Simon like?

'Alex very kindly let me
get into a stranger's car

'and drive off, and afterwards
was like, "You OK?"

'"Well, yeah, thank God I am
cos Simon's a gent, but..."

'But with that paw she may well have
not been. Do you know what I mean?

'I want to know who got closest
to the half an hour

'and I want to give them
the most points.

'I've done it with a graphic,
let's have a look.

This is how long they took.

So it won't start very tense,

there's some early leaders.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Asim there!

'Asim wins in 9 minutes
then Tim in 10 minutes, 40.

Awful. Next...

..it is Liza in 20 minutes, 50.

Russell got there in 24 minutes,

'Alice hung around and got
there in

28 and a half..

APPLAUSE

Mighty impressive.

'Here we go then, for the first time
this series,

please, competitors,

'will you head to the stage
for the final task of the show?

APPLAUSE

Someone should read the task for us.

Would you like Tim Vine to read it?

Tim Vine would be lovely.

Here you go, Tim.

'Sort the objects under
the table in order of size.

'You must keep your elbows
on the table top

'and your head in your hands
at all times.

'The smallest object should be
on your right,

the largest object on your left,

'and they must all be in line
under your table.

'Also, there must be
no fruit in your line-up.

'If there is any fruit left
under your table,

you will be disqualified.

You have 100 seconds.

'Are we allowed to take
our shoes off?

'If you want to take your shoes off,
you can, but if you can put them

'behind the table that would be good.
Liza's already done that.

'Have we started?
Elbows on the table... Hang on,

she's already taken her shoes off.

Ring your agent!

Fine, I'm taking them off too.

'Largest on the left, smallest
on the right, no fruit,

good luck, your time starts...
HE BLOWS WHISTLE

We are off!

Very delicate.

Elbows on the table, please!

Head in your hands. Thank you.

'I've got rid of a satsuma,
a banana and a pineapple.

'Largest on the left, smallest on
the right. No fruit, please.

What about tinned fruit?

What if it's...?

Oh, shit.

Head in your hands, please!

APPLAUSE

Elbows on the table.

You've got 20 seconds left.

There are seven seconds left.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

'Shall we go for it? Please.
We're going to look at Alice first.

She has a banana under her table.

Shit. Then she is disqualified.

Oh, balls!

A ball and a banana.

I thought it was a padlock.

'That's why we picked bananas,
isn't it,

'because we thought they might think
it's a padlock.

The old, soft, curved padlock.

Next up, Asim Chaudhry.

'They are in the right order. This
could be Asim's moment of glory.

'There's two items left,
the yoghurt's gone,

but they are in the right order.

Liza. Hello, Liza. Hello.

'I can't see any fruit under there.
Tick.

I can see three items. Tick...

In the right order! Tick!

APPLAUSE

'Russell has got his hair
all ruffled

'doing whatever he was doing, hasn't
he?

'You have two items, the same as
Asim,

'in the right order
and there is no fruit. Yes!

APPLAUSE

'Tim Vine. Under there I can see
two footballs, weirdly.

Hang on, he's nicked my ball!

Can I have my ball back?

'There's a can of baked beans,
it's in the right order. Nice.

But there's a banana!

'There's a padlock...
..a banana under there.

'Shall we bring them down and see how
that's affected the final scores?

OK then, here we go. Come on down!

APPLAUSE

So... So, Alex Horne, tell us

'everything we need to know
about footsie

and how it's affected things.

'As we saw, both Alice and Tim had
padlocks left under their tables.

The old, bendy, soft padlock.

'They're disqualified, no points.
Zero points.

'Then in joint second with two items
stacked correctly in order of size,

Asim and Russell. Yes, please.

'But there was one winner, all three
correctly stacked, Liza Tarbuck!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

'So, final scoreboard.
First one of the series.

'But not the last,
because it looks like this!

Oh, yes! Asim there in last place!

'Our joint winners at this stage,
Russell and Alice!

'What does that mean, Alex?
It means we have a tie-break.

'I'm not going against her,
she's a wizard.

'For this one,
they had to spin around

'as many times as possible before
kicking a football at the caravan.

Most spins wins.

If you miss the caravan, you're out.

Let's go, ready? Here we go!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Is that one?

It's a strange way of spinning.

This is supposed help a bit.

Doing that. That's a double spin.

Feeling quite good though.

I feel a little bit dizzy now.

Are you still there?

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

'I question how many spins
there were there

There was plenty of minces.

Russell span round 19 times...

/mincing.

Alice span round 24 times.

APPLAUSE

'Ladies and gentlemen,
Alice wins episode one!

'Please head up and grab
your liquids!

APPLAUSE

So what have we learned today?

'Well, you know what they say,
if life gives you lemons,

'squeeze some on the crotch of your
safari suit and have a breakdown.

'And to top that, we have learned
that the happy-go-lucky winner

'of some personal liquids
is Alice Levine!

APPLAUSE

Thank you! And goodnight!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media