Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 6 - Spoony Neeson - full transcript

Bob Mortimer reveals his bizarre machine to make his children eat cheaper sausages and then attempts bizarre tasks with the other guests.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com

Oh, my God!







I'm Greg Davies.
Welcome, my friends, to Taskmaster.

I'm not a vain man,
quite the contrary.

I'm renowned for
almost inhuman levels of humility.

But I don't blame the contestants'
desperation to win this trophy

because this is the single
most important and beautiful award

since the beginning of time.

But who will win it?
Will it be Aisling Bea?!

Bob Mortimer?

Or Mark Watson?

Or Nish Kumar?

Or Sally Phillips?

And to my left,
look at the state of him -

it's little Alex Horne!


Come on, then, explain yourself.

I've been concentrating on my look
as I was worried I didn't look cool,

so here we go. I thought
maybe I could be the bandana guy

and people would think
"There's the bandana guy."

So I am wearing - I don't know
if you've seen it - a bandana.

OK, you can wear it for now.

What's today's prize category?
Good question.

For today's prize category,
we've asked them to bring in

the best thing that
they've made themselves. Ooh.

So it's up to you,
as in not the bandana guy,

to choose... who's made
the best thing and at the end,

the contestant with the most points
will take home all of the things.

Wow. That's a motivation.

OK. Let's see what you've made.
Nish, what have you brought in?

I've made a T-shirt
with our faces on it

and I've called it
The Taskmaster Seven. Ohh!

Look, it's all of us.
We're Photoshopped on there.

I've called it The Taskmaster Seven,
popped it on a T-shirt

and had an awkward conversation
at a branch of Snappy Snaps. Lovely.

Lovely. Mark, what have you brought?

I thought the best thing to do
was make what I can only describe

as a 4,000-piece jigsaw
of Greg's face. Oh, God.

Sorry, I think I just got a boner.

Here it is.

So, in all fairness,

it's already taken - and I did
tot this up this morning -

26 hours.

Do you want to move on to Aisling?
Yeah, I do actually.

Well, what I like to do with people

is give them sausage rolls
at dinner parties

and as they're leaving, I'm like
"They were vegetarian! Ha, ha, ha!"

And I've made
the sausage rolls myself

and they taste like meat.

We've got the vegetarian
sausage roll here on the screen.

It doesn't look impressive.

We have one that
Aisling made here though.

This'll have to be impressive

because I don't care about pigs.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm happy to eat them.

Ooh, it's a big bite.
It does look nice.

Considering I don't
give a shit about the pig

and I would happily kill one,
this is actually delicious

and I may allow some to live.

And also, Taskmaster,
with the greatest of respect,

it is actually made in the image
of your penis when flaccid,

so that's...

So it's a vegetarian sausage roll.
In the shape of my flaccid penis.


I've made a lot of things,
but this, I think, is the best,

because this required no effort.

What is it?
It's a bird bath, Greg.

You've made one?
A bird bath.

It's sometimes hard to work out
why the audience is applauding.

One left.
Yes. Who is that? It's Bob Mortimer.

Bob Mortimer.
Hiya. Mine... Hi.

Hi. It's a sausage
or pork-pie presentation unit

and I made it to encourage my
children to eat the cheaper meats -

the sausages... and the pork pies.

This is what it looks like.

"Can I have a sausage, Daddy?"
"Of course you can, Son."

And it travels towards them, sausage
revolving... We can see it moving.

Do you want to see it moving? It's
quite swift though, so watch out.

So... I don't know why it seems
so unfair because it's me,

but I'm going to put Mark
in last place.

Imagine you putting all of those man
hours into making a third of my face

and being beaten by someone
who put some plastic flowers...

around a toilet plunger!

Unbelievable. Fourth place.

I like Nish's T-shirt, but at
the end of the day it's a T-shirt,

even though I'm on it. Nish,
you're crashing into third place.

Aisling - truly magnificent.
Second place.

It almost made me want
to give up meat.

And then a sort of robotic thing
passed my eyes

and I thought "Let's eat sausages."

So Bob Mortimer is the winner
of the first round. Thank you.


What's next, bandana guy?
Thank you, Greg.

This is not swings and roundabouts,
but it's in the ball park.

It's in the park because ball parks
don't exist. Here it is!

Oh, Jesus.


Hello, Bob. Hi.
How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

Would you like a chat before...
No, thank you.

That's a relief, isn't it?

Let's see what we got here, then,
Alex, me old pal.

"Balance Alex."

"You have ten minutes to place
your counterweight on your end."

"You may not use humans
to balance Alex."

"The most balanced Alex wins."

Alex, will you get onto the seesaw
for me? No, not at all.

Not till you've finished.

So I've got to guess
how much you weigh? OK. All right.

Let me ask you how heavy you are.

I'm about the same
as Russell Crowe weighed in 2013.

I'm 14 stones. OK. Like Russell.
Like Russell Crowe.

We're going to start with Mark.
This is his attempt.

I'm going to make a crude guess
at your weight by picking you up.

Is that all right?
Yes. OK.

I won't be able to pick you up
because I'm not very strong.

You're quite heavy.
Not that heavy.

Do you know how many kilograms
you weigh? Yes. Cool.

I think this is
not a bad starting point.


Fruit bowl, I think.

If we stick this in, that should be
almost exactly your weight.

I'm trying to imagine...
Ten seconds, Mark.

Thanks, mate.
Thank you, Mark.

I can already think of
a better way to approach it,

but life's about learning, isn't it?

Mark put a microwave in.

When you're trying to lift the 2013
Russell Crowe off the ground,

realistically, he's got to be...
75 microwaves?

Thank goodness you could go to your
second option - a bunch of bananas.

Do you want to see Sally and Nish?
Yes, I do.

Can I have a go?
Don't be coy.

Just for fun. Oh, my God!

In a good way?
Yeah, in a good way.

To the shed!

There you go.

I've found a bag of sand! Puh!

Still not enough weight.

For decoration.
I see.

I think that's about right.
You think I weigh a tyre,

a roller...
Plastic banana.

Two lemons and a fire extinguisher.
Something like that, yeah.



OK. You're done.
I'm done.

Thank you, Nish.

Nice to see two people using their
brains. Roller - heavy thing. Yep.

Next up - Bob. And we see somebody
using physics to his advantage.

Here he goes.

It's the caveman approach. I don't
know if there's science involved.

Can I move this?

I think that will... balance Alex.

Did you know you'd use physics?
When you brought that plinth out,

you handled it with ease, so
you obviously knew that wasn't Alex.

It was the only thing that had
that vaguely human shape,

so that was a starting point.

And then I saw the things
underneath the swing

and you knew that was part of it. Do
you know what I mean? Oh, I do, Bob.

I won't say whether or not it
worked, but it was the right idea.

Ha, ha, ha!

We'll find out how close they came
to balancing Alex after the break,

so let's have one now.

Hello and welcome back to
what is broadly known as part two.

Alex, remind us about
the whole seesaw thing.

They were trying to balance me,
the bandana guy, using...

whatever they could find. We'll see
how they got on in a second,

but we haven't seen Aisling Bea,
so let's see her different approach.

Let me just get a feel of you,
just a test.

Ohh! Jesus! You're heavy, Alex.
Thank you.

Oh, my God. We'll have to think
outside the box here, Alex.

I'll be back in a minute.
I'm off to the shed.

I'm actually going
to harness the box down.

What I'm doing is I'm tying...

Does anyone here have a car?

I've got a car.
Can you get your car?

Right down. Keep coming.

I'll need more slack from you, Alex.

Straight back. Straight back.

Keep reversing.

There we go.
Yeah, I think I'm done.

Stop the clock!

Thank you, Aisling.
You're welcome, Alex.

Pretty sweet idea, I'd say. It's not
cheating as far as I'm concerned.

Where did you trap the rope? Around
the middle, twixt two windows.

Because the strongest part of a car
is famously the window, isn't it?

What are we going to see now, Alex?

Well, I got on the other end
after they'd left


We'll see if any of them
could balance the bandana guy.


That last moment was ecstatic.

I thought the bandana guy
was going to get extremely hurt.

Erm... Did I do fine in that?
You did fine.

I've got the results. Mark put
three stone in the other half -

20 percent of me,

the equivalent of my biceps and
stomach muscles, which are small.

Bob, it was the right idea,

but you would have had to put it
back by another three metres,

so you only put 32 kilograms' weight
on that side.

I weigh 89 kilograms, so it was
just over a third this time.

Sally, not too bad - eight stone.

56 percent of me. All my blood,
liquid and lymph system.

But, Nish, you did pretty well.
That's never been said on this show.

No. First time for everything.

You managed to balance my chest,
back, abdomen and head -

70 percent of me,
with ten stone on the other side.

Not balanced,
but it was pretty good. Oh, wow!

So Aisling attached me
to a 220-stone Ford C-MAX.

Oh-ho-ho! Ho-ho-ho!

It went like this.

Absolutely amazing.

What I couldn't do was weigh
what Aisling put on the other end,

so it's up to you to judge.

Well, I think you have to give
credit for technique sometimes.

Here we go. Ready?

Mark's in last place.
Mark, one point. Bob, two points.

You were going to give points
for technique, but, yeah, fine.

Aisling - great technique, horrific
stretchy washing-line outcome.

I'll write that down.
That's how I'm described in bed.

It felt like Sally
came very close to a balance,

but unbelievably
Nish Kumar comes first!

Congratulations, Nish!


Jesus Christ.

We're not your friend.

Are the scores "balanced"
after that, Alex?

Not quite.

Because at the right-hand side
of the scales, for the first time,

is Nish Kumar!

Oh, yes!

Let's play something creative, Alex.
This will give you the opportunity

to experience what it's like
being one of these people.

Is this some kind
of booby trap, Alex?


Oh, Jesus.

Here he comes.

Ow! Fuck!

Be very careful. "With this
camera strapped to your head,..."

"..record the most
incredible footage."

"You have ten minutes to plan it
and ten minutes to record it."

"Your time starts now."

So I've got to strap this thing
to my head and make a movie? Yeah.

It'd be good if something happened
here like... Obama strolled by.

I should do a skydive or something.

I have a plan.
I'm not going to have a poo.

You're not? I'm not going to,
that's my first port of...

Well, I'm not rejecting that. If all
else fails, that's what you'll get.

It's often our contestants'
initial impulses

that are a real window
into the soul, I find.


What's going to be so incredible
about that?

Do you do some classics?

Funny you should ask
because I have a little problem

which means my... anus

is too high and...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

For example, you would sit
like this... I would.

I have to approach it this way.
I have to reverse...

Or it will all just go
over the back of the seat.

I personally think
they should reverse the toilet.

If you were like this,
you'd have a little shelf.

All I was thinking, Greg, was that
if I got a shot of it in profile,

you would be astounded.
Oh, my God.

Especially if was...
one of the quicker days.

Do you know what I mean?
Yeah. OK, well, thanks very much.

Yeah, let's...

Let's... Let's see
what Mark did for a bit,

just so that we can
try and forget Bob's anus.

So we're looking for one of those
exciting point-of-view films.

This is what Mark did.

No, stop. Ahh!

Ahh! Whoa!

Ahhh! Ahh!

Agh! Aghh!

Ahh! Ahh! Just stop...

Yeah. You all right? Yeah, that was
nerve-racking, watching that.

The thing that strikes me is that
you did still seem quite scared!

For somebody like me,
even watching that on YouTube

is not a pleasant experience.

I have to say, sitting there with
about eight people looking at you,

going "Ahh! Ahh!"
when you're not doing it,

you do feel a bit of a prick, yeah.

Erm, who's next?

It's Aisling. Here it is.
Oh, no.

a lovely, relaxing day with my cat

while my child is out
safe in school.

Dring, dring! (RUSSIAN ACCENT)
Hello? Is this Spoony Neeson?

I have your daughter. Ma-ha-ha!

I will hunt you down.

You tell me what you saw!
OK, fine.

Have to find my daughter.

Oh, God. I wish I had real hands.

(RUSSIAN) Not so quickly,
Spoony Neeson.

Where's my money?
Or I kill the child.

Rrr! Urghh!

Ahh... Uh! Yay!

Let's get out of here.

Pretty bad.

I apologise to the people
of Northern Ireland.

I was absolutely gripped.
Who's next?

Two good ones so far. It's Bob.
He may or may not have...

..done what he threatened to do.
Here is Bob Mortimer's film.

Fingers crossed, everyone.
















How quickly we forget even the idea
of Bob pooing out of his lower back.

Part two has been completed.

Have a rest and prepare yourselves
for what's coming after the break.


Hello, world.
Welcome back to Taskmaster.

I'm going to hand over to Alex Horne
now to bring you up to speed.

No. I've actually decided,

I am banning bandana man.

The phrase or the person?

I am... No, I'll let you
keep the bandana for now,

but if you call yourself bandana man
again, I will attack you.

Yes, before the break,
the competitors have been trying

to make the best
point-of-view-footage film.

We've seen mountain biking,
a utensil-based version of Taken

and Bob Mortimer's head housed
in a box of curly cheese puffs,

which I just said to avoid saying
the brand name Wotsits.

Nish Kumar...

Nish Kumar is up next.

If you win this, you will be clear
of the pack. Let's see how you did.


What is it? Is it self-sabotage?

Do you want this or not?
I just thought it would be great.

You were doing well. I thought it'd
be impressive if I did a sudoku.

But we've checked it and you weren't
even doing the sudoku properly.

Pull yourself up by the bootstraps.
Really have a go at the show.

You're not a bad guy, Nish.


Nish Kumar's attempt there,
ladies and gentlemen.

Who's next? Sally Phillips is next.
Oh! Ready?







Waah! Waahh!


That is absolutely astounding.


Oh, wow.

Not in my most awful nightmares...

have I seen
such a horrific, disturbing...

He borrowed my knickers.

I was wearing Sally's
flesh-coloured knickers.

Well, it was either that
or get your knacks out,

so... Get your...
I don't know what you call them.

We call them my knacks.

He calls them his bandana guys.

We did...

It's OK. It's just if other people
say it, I'll still attack Alex.

It was a sort of nature shoot. You
often see behind-the-scenes footage

of how the cameramen or women
went to the lengths they did.

We can see some shots
from the shoot.

That was...

A proper director there,
proper director.

And then the birth - how close
she had to get to my face.

That is absolutely incredible.
Absolutely remarkable.

You're going to have to
score those films. OK.

This is what I'm going to do -

I don't think anyone will disagree
with me. I'm giving Nish one point

and put him in last place.

I genuinely cannot separate, um,
Bob, Aisling and Mark.

I thought they were all spectacular,
beautiful films.

But because it was the most
disturbing thing I've ever seen,

I'm going to obviously give
the big win to Sally Phillips.

Five points to Sally, four for the
other two. Fine. Four, five, one.


Onwards and quickly.

OK. Now, Greg,
sometimes on the show,

occasionally we set someone a sneaky
task and the other don't do it.

This happened to Mark last week.

Occasionally we set a task
to one person and it backfires.

And that happened to the person
in this task and also to us.

This is what happened.


"Have your photo taken
with this golden pineapple

"in other esteemed company."

"Best portfolio
of pineapple photos wins."

"You have six months."

"Your time starts now."

Start the clock, Alex.

Take a photo of the pineapple "in
esteemed company" for six months,

so we gave Aisling the pineapple.

We thought she'd carry it around for
six months. But you didn't, Aisling.

Well, the most esteemed company
I know is my lovely mother.

So I posted the fucking pineapple...

to Ireland to my mother...

Helen. And my mother...

has spent six months

going round our town, Kildare,

photographing the pineapple
with her iPad

that she barely knows
how to use, Alex!

I know. Do you want to see
one of the photos?

Poor Mammy...
She started off with this -

in esteemed company.

For the horse-racing community.
This is a blacksmith

making a horseshoe
with a Taskmaster pineapple nearby.

Two here - one religious,
one horse based.

Oh, yeah...

Oh, my God. My poor mother.

I've made a little montage
of a few of the others.

Is that a real, life-sized
jockey statue in your home?

No, it's a real jockey on pretend
horses where they learn how to ride.

How to what?
How to... How to ride the horses.

And if a boyfriend of mine
passes three months

and makes it to Ireland,

my mother puts him
on one of those simulator horses

to see how fast he can go.

She wants to vet him to see if he'll
be good enough at sex for you? Yes.

That's what it appears to be.

Good to know that Helen vets them
in such a precise manner.

I think that, for several reasons,

we should have a round of applause
for Aisling's mum.


Next one? Next one.
OK, this is a task for everyone

except for Helen.

Hi, Alex.
Hello, Mark.

Well, a cupcake of course.
Cupcake? Oh, yes.

Hi, Alex, what's up? What do you
mean? What's going on with you?

We're doing Taskmaster.
Oh, yeah.

I'll just, erm...


"Using this flame,..."
"Light the candle in the caravan."

"The fastest wins." I understand
this. And my time starts...

"Also... please don't say any words
containing any of the letters

"in the word Taskmaster."
So no As, no Ss, no Ts...

"Your time starts now."

So I've got to get this
out to the caravan.

Nish fulfilling his contractual
obligation to restate the task.

I do need to say also -

the instruction "not using the
letters from the word Taskmaster",

that was only for Mark.

Is that the case? Everyone else
could say normal words?

Oh, they can say any words.
It really is.

Ready for the first attempt?

So I guess this, Alex,
is all about being...

patient,... Mm-hm.
..calm,... Mm-hm.

..planning a strategy? Yes.

No-one's just going to pick it up
and gallop out, are they?

Do you want to watch Aisling Bea?
Yep. Off we go.

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

Oh! It's already gone.

Can I...

Can I relight the fire?
No, it says use that flame.

Got nine minutes left.

No, no, you took nine seconds.

To what?
To... destroy your chances.

Surely not! This is a real shame.

Sweet. I sort of admire

that you thought "Fuck it,
I'm going to run at the door."

Did anyone take a more measured
approach than Aisling?

Oh, yes, everyone.
We're going to see...

..Nish and Sally now.

If this goes out, there's no
relighting it? I don't think so.

Ahh, this is going to be so hard!


Easy does it.

It's like defusing a bomb,
but the opposite.


The fan!

That's clever. Thanks.

Oh, no. Oh, is it raining?

It's a fail.

It's a fail.
I dropped the bell jar on the cake.

Oh, no, the bubbles.

Easy does it.

Oh, you bubbly fuck!

The candle's gone out!

The candle went out
because I said "bubbly fuck".

It was literally "bubbly fuck"
that put the candle out.

If you look in the replay,
the candle reacted to the swearing.

It is... It is incredible.
Watch it one more time.

Easy does it.

Oh, you bubbly fuck!

The candle's gone out!

(SLOW) Oh, you bubbly fuck!

The candle's gone out!

That's such a spectacular way
to bow out!

"Bubbly fuck"!

I mean, Sally just dropped a jar
on her cake - easy.

Time to blow the candle out on
part three. More fire in part four.


Welcome back to the show.

Yes, and hello to everyone
watching us on Google Earth.

We're mid-task and it was all about
protecting the Taskmaster candle,

so called because of its short fuse.
Ready for the next one?


Here's Bob!
And my time starts...




Is it locked?

Yeah, that's locked. That is locked.
I ain't got much time left.

There's a hook by the pigeon-holes.

Got your flame?


I've stopped the clock, Bob.


So even if there's
something wrong with your bum,

you can still do some things
really well.

So it's Mark turn now.

Ahh. Remember he can't say any
of the letters from "Taskmaster".

But presumably he'll have
lots of other words at his disposal.

Let's see how he did.

"Your time starts now."
What are you thinking, Mark?





Mm. Fiddly.

V fiddly. Ahh!

What's wrong, Mark?

Has your candle gone?
It's gone. It's gone. It's gone!

It's gone?


Not fair!
Was it a total disaster though?

He kept his candle alight longer
than anyone else, longer than Bob's.

Your candle was alight
for three minutes and 45 seconds.

All he did was stagger with the
candle, trying to think of words -

this was the problem.

The word thing was a problem.
All I could think of was "Fiddly".

Yeah. But that was the only word I
needed because it was bloody fiddly.

I should say Bob's was the
most exciting thing I've ever seen.

It didn't look it, but...
And I've seen an argument in a cafe.

So I guess he's won,

but I don't know if you want to
give points to the others. I do.

I'm going to give Mark four points.

Second place.
Yeah, I'm giving him second place

because, in many ways,
you became the physical embodiment

of The Bangles' '80s hit
Eternal Flame.

Sally almost made it

with her Florence Nightingale
bell-jar steadiness.

Three points to her.

Mm. Yeah. Old "bubbly fuck".

I'm tempted to give you more than
two points, but I'm not going to!

I'm only going to give you two.
And obviously Aisling ran at it

and you've got to admire a girl
for that, but one point.

So Bob Mortimer wins the task!

Do you want to see the scores
before the final task? Yes, please.

So Bob's in the lead
and then Sally Phillips.

It's time to head for the stage now
for the final task of the show!


Now we're talking.
Those are outfits.

Who's reading the task out, Alex?
Bob Mortimer today. Good.

Here's your task.
Thank you.

"Make yourself monotone."

"Most monotone
after 100 seconds wins."

So I will say
it's from the shoulders down.

And you're not allowed
to just remain white.

From this point? Yeah,
they're your shoulders. Good luck.

Your time starts now!

You put the powder on!

No, hold on...

Mark's very much concentrating
on the genital area.

So degrading!

What's the tactic, Bob? I'm painting
myself blue. And your ankles?

Fuck that.

45 seconds to go.
Oh, shit and piss!

Just to confirm - fully grown
adults, ladies and gentlemen.

Five, four,

three, two, one...
No, no, no!


And now if you'd like
to join me down here,

we'll see who's made themselves
most monotone

and see how that affects
the final scores of the show!

Very impressive monochroning
going on.

Alex, talk me through everything
in detail, but keep it brief.

OK. We can see them all
from the front.

They were all well covered. It came
down to looking at their backs

Oh, my God.

Bea, that's insane!
So, according to that back picture,

you've put Nish in last place

because he's just wearing
a yellow belt.

Then it goes Bob and Mark.
Sally on the right's come second,

but obviously the winner
was Aisling Bea!

Yes. The final scores for this show.

It's a familiar story
at one end of the leader board.

Come on, Nish!
No, you're there. You're there.

I'm on there? Yeah, you're last.
Happy to be included.

At the other end, it's a tie!

A tie-break. Our second of the
series. Alex, please fix this mess.

I will, Greg. We thought
the best way to sort most things out

is with yoghurt.
So we popped a target on a wall.

We wanted to see who could get
the most yoghurt near the middle

with one good kick.

We'll see the yoghurt tie-break now.

Look out for Bob wearing a hat
which looks tremendous on him.

Thank you so much. We all want
to do this. Of course you do.

Can I move it? Well, does it say
you can't? No, it doesn't.



Nowhere near.

This is the attempt, is it?
This is the attempt. Good luck.

You got a bit there, I think.

Did either of them get any yoghurt
on the target? It's not ideal, this.

It's whether or not
a pot of yoghurt is yoghurt.

Yes, it is. A yoghurt hit the
target, but yoghurt didn't. Oh.

It's really tough.
Can I ask the audience? No!


Maybe I'll ask that guy with the
petrifying laugh in the front row.

Seems fair, doesn't it?
Sally or Bob?

Bob. Congratulations,
Sally is the winner!

Sally is tonight's worthy winner!

Please go and take your place!

OK. Before we see Sally celebrate,
what's the series score?

It's incredibly close. We've got
Sally on 97, Aisling on 99,

Bob and Mark both on 104
and Nish is...

Nish is playing as well.
We're all playing.

Right. That's the end of the show.
Give me that bandana.

Oh, God...

You don't need it, mate.

You're fine without it.

So what have we learnt today?

If you ever find yourself
next to Bob Mortimer at a urinal,

think twice before
you put your bag on the floor.

We've also learnt that when
it comes to winning episode six,

Sally Phillips is the only person
for the job! Big clap-clap to her

and goodbye to you! Goodbye!

Subtitles by Ericsson