Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 4 - Residue Around the Hoof - full transcript

The guests try to make marmite from scratch and other equally stupid tasks.

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HE SHOUTS

Oh, my god!

No.

Yes!

Oh, yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello, again. And hello.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and this, as I've
just said, is Taskmaster.

At the end of today's episode,

we'll have reached the halfway point
in the series.



Before we know it, a glorious winner
will be holding this...

HE GASPS

..lovely trophy high above
their head,

weeping uncontrollably with massive
tears of giddy joy.

So, let's amble towards that
pitiful eventuality

and meet this week's guest panel
of regular contestants.

They are Aisling Bea.

APPLAUSE

Bob Mortimer.

Mark Watson.

Nish Kumar.

Sally Phillips.

APPLAUSE

And here, still, but very much under
the probation period



of his contract,

it is my very little friend...

HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: ..it's little
Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Have you genuinely got children?

LAUGHTER

I do. I've seen them...this year.

They are...

I'm a good father,
I've got two boys, erm,

and a boy. Three boys.
I've got three boys...

LAUGHTER

..and up they go. Older and older.
Yeah. Well, erm...

LAUGHTER

I'm very glad that I keep you away
from those children

as often as I do because you're,
erm...

Well, you're a bad dad.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Shall we get on with it? Yes.
I do miss them. So...

LAUGHTER

..today's most - I think most
extraordinary prize so far -

the prize category is
Most Extraordinary Souvenir. Oh!

We've asked them to bring in their
most extraordinary souvenir.

You're going to judge which one is
the most extraordinary souvenir.
Yes, I am.

And which ever one you judge to have
done the best, they get the first
five points of the show. Oh.

Whoever wins the whole show, will go
home with five extraordinary
souvenirs. OK.

Sally Phillips, good day to you.
Good day to you, Greg.

What is the souvenir that you have
bought and why would I consider it

to be... Extraordinary.
..extraordinary?

I brought in the souvenir most
designed to make you sneer.

Which I think I'm going to find
sexually arousing!

LAUGHTER

It is Abba Monopoly.

Now, I'm just betting that
you loathe Abba...

LAUGHTER

I personally don't dislike
the music of Abba. Oh.

But I'm irritated by the band.

LAUGHTER

All this, sort of, we're not
getting back together.

We're not going to play another gig.

Why don't you fucking grow up?

Mark, what did you bring in?

Well, I've got a, erm...

a T-shirt from Kuwait.

It says Kuwait on it and there's
a sort of a cityscape.

ALEX: We can see it, if you want?
If that'll help?

The reason it's extraordinary
is because

an ordinary souvenir reminds you
of a place you've been to,

but in my case, I went to Kuwait
and I wasn't allowed in.

So I haven't actually visited
Kuwait

but I bought the T-shirt on eBay
as a souvenir

of the place I would've seen.

LAUGHTER

Right.

I asked Alex and he told me that

that's the buildings that
Kuwaitis live in.

Yeah, they've all got one of them.
They've all got one of those.

It's a funny old country.

Nish, what you brought in
and why is it extraordinary?

I have brought in a single leaf.

Shit! Bob, what have you brought in?

LAUGHTER

That is a man-made leaf from
the set of the Lord of The Rings.

AISLING GASPS

ALL: Ooh!

Which is now a sort of tourist
attraction called Hobbiton

that you can go to in New Zealand
and when I was there,

that little guy had fallen
to the floor

and I popped it in my pocket
and popped back home.

LAUGHTER

Fairly extraordinary. Yeah. Happy
with that? Yeah, more than happy.

Bob, what you brought in?
Extraordinary?

It's extraordinary to me.
It's a big stuffed toy woodpecker.

About so high. There he is!

AISLING: Aw. It's very tall.
What, it looks about five foot tall?

Yeah. Wow.

I took my kids to like a Butlins
in south of Spain

and they wanted that and you know
when your kids a young,

you want to make their dreams
come true?

So, I spent five days trying
to get that one.

Cos it was the ping-pong's,

but there was the one ping-pong
right at the top,

if you get that,
you got the big fucker.

LAUGHTER

I'm not a dad, but I would say
that most kids' dreams

are to spend five days
with their dad!

LAUGHTER

Aisling Bea, what's your
extraordinary souvenir?

When my teeth would fall out,
my mother would keep them

and she would put them
in an envelope

and put them in a cupboard
in the kitchen.

So, she has... You know the way you
keep the bones of your child?

LAUGHTER

Yeah. They're my teeth.
Any tooth that fell out.

Thank you, Aisling. Well, I'm going
to mark these very quickly. OK.

The least extraordinary gift,
as far as I'm concerned,

is Woody Woodpecker. OK?

And I'm not going to explain myself
on television!

LAUGHTER

Fourth, pretty obviously,

I'm putting an absolutely horrendous
T-shirt in fourth place.

Unfortunately, my furious attitude
towards the band Abba

for their selfishness in
not reuniting,

means that Sally Phillips
can only take third place.

HE GASPS

Second place, then?

Nish, because...

anyone who brings in a physical
representation of their youth

in the form of actual
parts of their body

has brought in an extraordinary
souvenir. Second place.

Thank you, weird mother!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Task me up, Alex.

OK, we're off and you will either
love or hate this next one.

SALLY: Oh. AISLING: Ooh!

Hi! Hello, Bob.

Hello, Nish. How's it hanging?

What do you mean? How you doing?!

OK.

Make Marmite.

You have a ten minutes to select
your ingredients...

And then ten minutes to make
your Marmite.

I'm pretty sure it takes longer to
make Marmite than that in real life.

The best Marmite wins.

I'm going to be brilliant at this!

How much would you give me to take
a shit in this right now?

£8.

LAUGHTER

I know I'm thinking of Bovril,
it says beef extract on it.

I know it's yeast extract.
How would they extract...?

I'd better have some yeast,
just in case.

What is yeast?

Maybe I'd put a cow in a room
till it withers?

And then you can mop up
what's the residue?

Miso paste.

Sherry. ALEX: Sherry?
I'm just getting pissed.

What about absinthe?

SHE LAUGHS

Vinegar?

Balsamic vinegar.

Dark... In other words,
dark vinegar.

Can I get a tin of Marmite?!

You know what, make that two!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think that most people went,
instinctively,

as I think I would have and you
would have said, it's yeast.

Bob didn't know. Bob said, er...

you just put a cow in a room
till it withers!

LAUGHTER

It might work.

How long does the take the cow
to...?

40 days. 40 days...

40 days, you get your first residue
around the hoof.

LAUGHTER

Wow, incredible.

Nish, if you've bought Marmite
and included it in your Marmite,

you haven't made Marmite,
you've bought Marmite

and I will be on you like a puma,
my friend.

LAUGHTER

Do want to see them making the
Marmite? I do and quickly. OK.

Here we go.

Marmite, I think it's salt

plus memories of meat.

It says 89.9% proof.

There you go, job done.

OK. I think it's just going
to be bread.

Shit.

This looks so much like Marmite,
now.

Oh, what's this? Bovril!
I've just found some Bovril.

I mean, it's not quite as thick
as I'd like it to be.

Oh, my word.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Look at that!

Kumar-mite!

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

We're going to look at them one at a
time, then you can judge them. Yeah.

We'll start with Aisling.
This is her finished product.

Temperature-wise, very hot.
Yes, because it's just been made.

Doesn't it smell like Marmite?

No! What?

It doesn't smell like Marmite.
You're having a bloody laugh, mate.

Have you smelt it?

Marmite.

It's all edible, it's all natural...

So your main selling point is,
it's all edible. Yeah.

Cheers.

Talk to me. It tastes a little bit
like Bovril.

It's not not nice.

Yeah, it's nice, isn't it? Mm,
but it doesn't taste like Marmite.

Oh, Alex. You're living in
a dream world!

APPLAUSE

It didn't look like Marmite,
it looked like baby poo.

But did it taste like Marmite?

Alex, tell him the truth.

Tell him the truth, Alex.

God, I can feel the force of her.

WHISPERS: Tell him the truth.

It tasted a little bit like Marmite.
A little bit? Yes.

And the eyes, they're so angry,
so shall we move on to Mark?

LAUGHTER

Mark, let's see Mark-mite.

Oh, yeah.

Can you see the colour
at the top of that.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Do I spread or pour Marmite?
I can't remember.

No, Marmite's a spread.
It's a spread. It's a spread.

Well, I've poured it. Well, that's
not my fault, is it? I mean...

Cheers.

Oh, cheers.

The texture's appalling,
the colour's good,

the taste is not unlike Marmite.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I mean, the texture was
clearly that of frogspawn, but...

But, Alex, you know, his mouth
doesn't lie. It didn't look great,

but I've got to say, I do believe it
tasted a fair bit like Marmite.

And you know that because of
the surprise in Alex's eyes

that it wasn't total shit. Yeah.

Well, let's see the next VT.
Sounds like a swimming coach -

Bob Marmite.

LAUGHTER

This is Bob Marmite.

Is it just a little bit you have
on the toast?

You treat it exactly as you would
Marmite, right?

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

Thank you(!) Thank you.

I would say that if I didn't know
that that wasn't Marmite,

I'd probably guess that's Marmite.

APPLAUSE

You said, if you closed your eyes,
it would have...? Yeah. I mean...

You could have been fooled into
thinking it was Marmite.

Bob kept saying he didn't want
the beef to dominate

and it didn't dominate.
Thank you. Phew.

Considering there are 24 beef
Oxo cubes in it...!

LAUGHTER

Stop everything!

We are governed by advertising.
Here's your next apportioned ration.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to this
particular episode of Taskmaster.

Alex, can you update me with
the current situation, please?

Yes, they've been making Marmite.

Next up, it's Nish.

Who you've threatened because he
bought Marmite to make Marmite with

and displeased you.

So, here we go.

It's not a million miles away from
the colour of Marmite.

It's not the colour that I'm worried
about. It's the sound!

RATTLING

Yeah. It just doesn't sound like
Marmite. Also, very, very hot.

Yeah, really...

HE LAUGHS

It looks to me like a combination
of pouring and...

AUDIENCE GROANS

BOB: Oh, fuck!

It's not an ideal consistency.

Have you ever regretted this show?

Not yet.

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER

It's quite nice.

Oh, yeah. You can really taste
the vinegar.

Mm. You can also taste the marmite,
if I'm honest.

Because of the marmite in it.
Oh, yes. Thank you, Nish.

APPLAUSE

He put Marmite in it? Yes.
And a lot of vinegar and hot water.

It was liquid, lumpy
and very, very hot.

I genuinely quite liked it.

I don't know why.

Absolutely disgusting.

Let's see my favourite weathergirl,

Sally Marmite.

LAUGHTER

Let's start with Marmite number one.
Yeah.

This is the best Marmite because it
is not Marmite, it's absinthe!

Drench it. Mm-hm.

LAUGHTER

Oh, my God!

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

That's Marmite number one.
Come on, that's amazing.

Yeah, it is amazing.
I really feel drunk. Yeah.

That's number one.

Number two. The best Marmite.
The best Marmite. Yeah.

It comes with a free toy...
SHE TOOTS TOY HORN

Try this.

It looks a little bit like jam.

There's a lot going on!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What actually happened when
he had the absinthe,

was he went bright purple and
couldn't speak for 20 minutes!

LAUGHTER

There was a lot going on. Do you
want to see all their jars?

So you can see Sally's, er...
Insanity. How much she...

Yeah, well, exactly.

We haven't labelled hers because
it's quite obvious

which ones are hers!

OK. You're going to have to judge
them as the best Marmite.

Guess who's got nil points...

LAUGHTER

It was a flagrant breaching
of the rules,

even though you had me thinking that
soggy bread might be all right,

you crash into fifth place
with no points. Ooh.

Sally, misheard the task.
I'm not going to accept this.

She misheard the task... No, no.
..as, can you please show Alex

the time of his...the time
of his life?!

LAUGHTER

Fourth place! Lucky.

Er, oh... Mm...

I mean, I'm going to have to go
by what you told me

was the most marmite-like in taste.

Aisling, he told me behind
your back...

Behind my back?!

..that it tasted, and I quote,
"Fuck all like Marmite!"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You weak, weak little turd,
Alex Horne.

LAUGHTER

You are weak. Yes, I am.

You are weak. Yes, I am.

And just on taste alone,

you told me that Bob's virtually
tasted like Marmite,

so Mark must sadly fall
into second place

and Bob is the winner. OK.
Simple as that.

first, second, third, fourth...
Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He did seem to really enjoy it.

Are the scores looking healthy after
that? They're looking terrific.

And my favourite, Aisling Bea,
is now in the lead.

What?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, I fancy a Team Task. Do you have
a Team Task? I do have a Team Task.

It's this one.

Just three legends, don't worry
about it.

Just the gang. Bob, Sal, and Ash.
Hi. ALL: Hi.

The team's in town.

Watson and Kumar. Hello, Nish.
Hello, Mark. Hello, Alex.

Wumar.

Quite a few clocks, isn't there?
A lot of clocks on the table.

Not to jump the gun, but it looks
like there are clocks involved.

BOB: All non-digital. Ah! That's
interesting, isn't it? Yeah.

NISH: I'll do this one.
Got a lot of energy, hasn't he?

Do something remarkable
synchronised.

You have a maximum of 30 minutes.

Most remarkably synchronised
behaviour wins.

Your time starts now. Now.

Maybe it would trigger some ideas
if we walk around the house a bit?

Yeah. Yeah. I guess we should try
and walk...

I'll try and mimic your exact
walk... OK.

..just to get in practice.

LAUGHTER

As I say, this is just
good backup.

APPLAUSE

Doesn't necessarily bode that well
for Wumar.

As we're now known!

But you chose to do
a difficult to copy walk!

The problem is, when someone
tells you to think about

the way that you're walking,
you immediately walk

like you've got severe haemorrhoids.

Let's have a look at what these
two clowns did. OK.

That's exactly what they are.
Here we go.

Breakfast hats on.

JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT

My hand is on the toaster.

It's hard, actually, without
a spoon, isn't it?

Er, use a banana to fish... Yeah.
Yeah.

And we scoop it out,

onto the table it goes.

One bite.

To the breakfast whiskey?
Breakfast whiskey.

And now onto the... The
traditional shot of honey.

The traditional shot of honey.

Ah!

TOGETHER: Breakfast.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, my observation was that
you were...

never synchronised!

LAUGHTER

But why put a giant glass
of whiskey in

when Mark Watson clearly
struggles...

clearly struggles to power drink
a giant glass of whiskey

in mid-morning?

I'm... I think there's a pattern,
really, in this task.

It's more about commitment
than actual attainment.

LAUGHTER

I think what we should do is
probably see your competitors.

I mean, I don't feel good about
your chances, but...

this might be awful.

So, the trio were much
more organised.

They planned it, they rehearsed
for 15 minutes.

They also recorded Sally's voice
to instruct them when to do things,

it was a good plan... Great.
..but did it work?

OK. Are you ready to go? Go on.
Dolphinately? Woo!

Yeah.

SALLY'S RECORDED VOICE: Facing
forward, holding two.

And...right, right.

Left, left.

Forward, back.

Forward, to the side, over the top.

To the side, over the top,
step back.

And sip the tea

and throw the mug.

And to the right, right,

left, left.

Forward, back, forward.

To the side and over the top.

To the side and over the top
and step back.

And spit the tea.

And right, forward,
back, forward.

To the side and over the top.

To the side and over the top
and take out your ketchup.

Wait for Bob.

BOB: One, two, three...

I was fucking shit!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sally and Aisling were absolutely
bang on. Faultless, faultless.

Absolutely faultless.
Literally faultless. Yeah.

I love the fact that you forgot
to keep your tea in your mouth.

LAUGHTER

I know. I know, you get to
a certain age, I'm the same.

If I get a lovely cup of tea,
that's going down.

That is going down!

Well, there are five points
to be won. Yeah, there are. Mm.

Listen, I enjoyed both of them
in their own special way.

I'm going to give Wumar two points.

If only for Mark Watson's face

when he was struggling to take
half a pint of whiskey down.

And the almost synchronised trio,
three points. Three points.

OK, there we go. Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now it's smooth link time.

That's the end of Part Two
of Taskmaster.

Farewell. For now!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi. I'm Greg Davies from Taskmaster.

I feel like it's time for
a whole new task.

What have you got for me, Alex?

I've got you a little bracelet.
It's a friendship bracelet

There's half a heart there.
I've got the other half there.

Audience: Aw.

LAUGHTER

And the task?

Yeah, we've got a task.
We've got a task. Another task.

I'm so sorry.

LAUGHTER

Excellent.

What the bejesus is this
all about?

Hi, Alex. Oh, he's not talking.
It's up to him, innit?

Wearing this blindfold,
blow up this balloon... Uh-oh.

Blow up this balloon so that
its circumference

is the same as the length
of a standard cucumber.

But it's circumference...

Yeah, OK. Erm...

You have one minute. Your time
starts when Alex blows his whistle.

You have one minute.
What's all this, then, mate?

A distraction?

I mean, I can't blow up balloons.
So, already, I'm at a disadvantage.

OK.

Mm-hm.

APPLAUSE

Good. So, pretty straightforward
task. Yeah.

It's quite a simple task.
Blow up a balloon so that its...

TOGETHER: The circumference is
the same length as a cucumber.

Standard cucumber. Standard
cucumber. Standard cucumber.

So they popped on their eye masks
and they tried to successfully

blow the balloon to the right
circumference.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I can't blow up balloons, lads.

The circumference of a cucumber.

Surely the conference of a cucumber
is very, very narrow?

Can I ask him to help?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Now that I think about it,
that is massive.

That is definitely too big.

Oh, there's a different task? I did
sort of wonder about all that stuff.

Oh, right. Wow!

Spot the Difference. Have a look
at the scene in front of you ...

Oh... You never told me that I had
to look at it in the first place.

Have a look at the scene in front
of you and explain

exactly what's changed since
you put the blindfold on.

You have two minutes.
Your time starts now.

APPLAUSE

Sneaky, wasn't it?

You were all surprised when you
took off your eye masks

and something had happened.
But we did make ten differences

to the scene in front of you.
We had a minute to do it

whilst you were blowing your
balloons. So, this is what we did.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

I don't believe it.

Just to run them through
the ten differences.

The mannequin has now got a beard.
There we go.

The lamp is now a duck.

The water's turn to a wine.
The potato is on the table.

The squirrel is now a cat.

Pots became spot. There we go.

Rug - the rug has swivelled.

The entire backdrop is blue
instead of green.

Alex's hat has changed

and Alex's body has changed!

LAUGHTER

How do you think they did?

Well, I would think that if anyone
didn't notice a human had changed...

Those people should seek some sort
of professional help. Let's see.

Well, we can start with Mark.
I've known Mark for 20 years.

LAUGHTER

We can look at Mark and Sally
and Bob. Oh, OK. OK.

Uh-oh. Here we go.

I believe that said pots, not spot.
DING

The thing on the easel was
different and the pots

were in a different configuration.

BUZZER

The cat was in a slightly
different position.
BUZZER

I thought it was a squirrel on
the chair, but is it that cat?
DING

And was it always that cat?
BUZZER

I think the duck may have been
somewhere else.
BUZZER

I don't think the duck was
there at all.

DING

Horne's hat, I don't think it
was that, was it?

I think Horne was wearing sort
of a cowboy hat, or something.

DING

I believe the colour of Alex's
hat has changed.

DING

I think that Alex had
a different hat on.

DING

Is he wearing a gas mask now,
that he wasn't wearing before?

BUZZER
WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, thanks, everyone. Bye, Alex.
Thanks for the task.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Unbelievable. I think that pretty
much Bob and Sally

just said everything, didn't they?
Yeah...

They said there wasn't a table.
HE BUZZES

LAUGHTER

They both noticed two things
were different.

But everyone noticed the hat and Bob
noticed the squirrel had gone

and you noticed the duck
had appeared.

And Mark, not much better.
He noticed the hat,

The sign said pot, so that was good.

And then the potato and the wine.

So, er, not great. Right.

None of you noticed I wasn't there.

LAUGHTER

Easily done.

AUDIENCE: Aw.

Let's see if younger eyes are
more successful. OK.

Here are Aisling and Nish.

The mannequin in the bed
has a beard.

DING

The man in the sleeping bag
now has a beard.
DING

The cat was a dog.

BUZZER

That cat was not on the chair.
DING

And also spot was black.
BUZZER

I knew I should've been paying
better attention!

That didn't say spot, I think
it said pow, or something.

It said something beginning
with a P.
DING

Have the potato and cat swapped
positions?
BUZZER

The duck was there.
BUZZER

The pots of paint were not there.

BUZZER

The mat's the same.
BUZZER

The blanket is going the opposite
way to the way it was.
DING

Oh, wow!

Alex is shorter.

LAUGHTER

Wait a minute. That's not Alex!
DING

Right, well Horne was wearing a...

a Stetson, now he's wearing
a hard hat.

DING

The hat is an obvious difference.
DING

WHISTLE BLOWS

That's all I got.

APPLAUSE

Not a bad effort from Nish

considering, well, how spectacularly
rubbish he is across the board!

LAUGHTER

Nish didn't do very well. He had
the beard, the cat and the hat.

That old story.
Oh, that old children's tale.

Whereas, Aisling, was the only one
that noticed it wasn't me. Yes.

So, thank you for that.
And yet earlier on,

with the Marmite,
you stabbed me in my face.

LAUGHTER

I mean, you were absolutely
incredible at that task.

Incredible performance.
Yeah, the beard.

The spot became a word
beginning with P.

The blanket was the other way round
- that was amazing. Yeah.

No one spotted that the 3m x 2m
tarpaulin had changed colour.

LAUGHTER

The biggest thing had changed
from blue to green.

Was there nothing for the cucumber
measuring? Absolutely fuck all.

No, there is. There is.
Yes, there is. I know there is.

It's just instinct.

It's just instinct to shut him down.

LAUGHTER

What about the cucumber?!

Oh, there's definitely something
for the cucumber. Oh, yeah?

So, in the first half of the task,
Aisling gets five points.

Mark and Nish, four.
Bob and Sally, two. OK?

Because of their observations.

Stroke physical problems.

LAUGHTER

Cucumber circumference,
obviously I've put it in a graph.

Pretty pleased with this graph.
Obviously.

The standard cucumber,
as we all know...

LAUGHTER

I've converted circumference
to length of cucumber.

As we all know, the standard
cucumber is 30cm, or one foot.

That's why quite often
we say I'm six cucumbers tall.

LAUGHTER

And weirdly, Mark was the closest.

He was just 1.5cm out -
a couple of peas away.

Lovely.

Bob. Bob was a green bean away.

Then Aisling, then Sally,

then Nish -
who was a whole cucumber out!

LAUGHTER

So, there's some points there,
right? Factoring in the cucumbers

and the differences, the totals are:

Aisling and Mark both get
eight points.

Bob, six.

Nish and Sally, four. Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's all fun, isn't it?
So can we see a scoreboard?

OK, I can show you a scoreboard.

There is nine points from
last to first

and Aisling is in the lead with
19 points. AISLING: Oh, my God!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She's yet to win an episode. Right.

None of that's been cheated
to put you in the lead, either.

Just because Alex is so genuinely
frightened of you.

You're not frightened of me,
are you, Alex?

I'm not frightened of you.
See, he's grand.

We're going to see... Do you want
to see the series scoreboard?

Oh, God, yeah. They're all in
the 60s, except for Nish.

So...
LAUGHTER

Mark is the current leader -
yet to win a show -

but he's on 67 points.

Then at 66, Bob.

62 to Sally and Aisling

and then there's Nish, innit.

LAUGHTER

Aw. It's quite tight. 54.
It's quite tight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. Neck and neck.

We've got time for one really
quick task, if you want it.

Er...

Yes, I do. OK. That's a relief.

Here it is.

Hi, Alex. Hello, Mark.

I always feel a bit like I'm coming
to see the headmaster in this room.

Thank you.

Sneeze. Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.

Like, an actual sneeze?

Yes, please.

LAUGHTER

Can you force yourself to sneeze?

APPLAUSE

You wanted to see some big sneezes.
Yeah.

I should say, early doors, I want
a genuine sneeze. Mm-hm.

Who shall we see first?

I guess we're going to try to see
the involuntary spasms

of Aisling, Bob and Sally.

Fastest wins, your time starts now.

HIGH-PITCHED SNEEZE

Sneeze, fastest wins. Your time
starts now.
SHE SNEEZES

Right, I've recorded half a second.

Yes. But can I tell you...

that I already did a sneeze before
then? I would like it counted.

Is that done? Yeah, I'll just
take the hankie and ...

I sneezed a bit there.

And when we analyse the footage...
Yeah.

..were they definitely sneezes?

Yeah. Really?

Achoo. And was that a real one?

Yeah. These are all real sneezes?

Everything's a real sneeze.

What is real?!

What brings on sneezing?
Jumping really high?

LAUGHTER

I'm sticking the tail of this up my
nose. Will that make me sneeze?

LAUGHTER

I don't really feel sneezy.

White pepper always seems
stronger to me.

HE SNEEZES

Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There was pepper coming out
for weeks.

Yeah, yeah.

It's so weird, isn't it?
I was just so - like everyone -

just so thrilled when he
actually sneezed!

LAUGHTER

It took him ten minutes and one
second. Ten minutes? Wow!

Amazing. Er... You two need
to explain yourselves.

You can't prove mine wasn't real.

I can't prove it? No. Yeah.
None of you can prove...

I can ask you to tell me the truth.

SHE LAUGHS

Where is the doctor?

Show me the doctor who tells
me that's not a sneeze.

Aisling, you're the worst liar
I've seen since I was a teacher!

LAUGHTER

We're stopping there mid-sneeze.

See you here in a few minutes
for the final part of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, again.

It's Part Four and there's a task
that needs completing.

Sneezing, Alex. That's right,
all they have to do is sneeze -

fastest wins.

Let's see how the twins,
Mark and Nish, got on.

HE BLOWS THROUGH HIS NOSE
RHYTHMICALLY

I can normally...

CONTINUES BLOWING

I can normally make myself sneeze
by...just doing that.

Well, that would be ideal. Yeah!

I've got hay fever. Have you got
any pollen on you?

HE SNIFFS

These flowers must be out
of pollen!

This is very undignified!

I found some pepper, but I don't
know whether this really works.

That'll do.

I need dust. Or flour.

Here's a Hoover bag full of dust.
Oh, that is too much!

LAUGHTER

HE SPLUTTERS

I surrender.

My nose is burning quite badly
and I feel a bit dizzy and sick.

HE SNORTS

You can see why this isn't the one
that they end up doing at parties!

No, I don't think it's going
to come.

If I do sneeze, any time
the rest of the day,

I'll try and send you a video of it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, Nish failed. Well, he gave up
on ten minutes.

One second, before Bob's came out.

You may have just missed it
by a second. Ah.

I think we're going to have
to drill down into,

within two or three seconds
of being set the task,

Mark fell straight to his
default technique...

I believe I'm quoting correctly,
"This normally works." ..of...

HE HONKS RHYTHMICALLY

I've, erm...

And my question to you is, where did
you develop the technique?

Why did you develop the technique?

The real story is that, like Nish,
I suffer from hay fever

and sometimes with hay fever your
nose is constantly tickly,

you can't quite sneeze.

So I evolved the technique for
basically forcing a sneeze.

But I was wandering up and down
the house doing that for...

It was... Well, Alex...
40 minutes. Yes.

LAUGHTER

It was...

Mark did promise us a sneeze within
two to three working days.

LAUGHTER

And within 48 hours, I did receive
a video message. OK.

Then I received seven more video
messages over the next week.

He's got a distinctive sneeze,
here it is.

HE SNEEZES BREATHILY

HE SNEEZES BREATHILY
HE CHUCKLES

HE SNEEZES
HE CHUCKLES

HE SNEEZES

HE SNEEZES

HE SNEEZES

There you go. That's my sneeze.

APPLAUSE

Very drunk in that one. Yeah.

So, it's up to you, Greg, to decide
which were the real sneezes.

We had Mark after 48 hours

and just in front of him, Bob,
after ten minutes. OK.

Well, Nish ruled himself out
early doors. Mm-hm.

Both of the women did...

Sally and Aisling.

Oh. I sometimes group the men
together, as well.

But if you want me to go individual,

both of the chicks,
Sally and Aisling...

LAUGHTER

Sorry, hot chicks!

I'll actually take that one. OK.

Sally and Aisling did fake sneezes.
I would bet Alex's life on that.

LAUGHTER

Obviously, Bob nailed it.

So, five to Bob, four to Mark,
none to anyone else. Correct.

OK, there we go. We've finished.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which means, there's just one point
separating three people at the top.

Bob and Mark have 20 points and
Aisling has 19 now. There we go.

Ah.

APPLAUSE

OK, will you all please head
to the stage, everyone,

because it's the final task
of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Three blokes, Aisling and Sally...

..and some balloons.

Alex, who's going to read
the task out?

Four blokes?

LAUGHTER

Sorry, mate. I... I...

MARK: No, I think Greg's maths
were right here.

I hadn't noticed you were there.

Aisling, there's the task for you.
OK, I don't have my glasses on,

so I might have to squint.

Stand on one leg for the longest,

while playing a game of
Greg says, Alex says.

What the hell is that?!

Your raised foot must remain above
the balloon at all times

and may not touch any other item.

So, you've all got to stand with
one leg raised over the balloon.

They're each wearing a...

I guess you'd call it a sandal
with pins on the bottom.

So, that's the one that has
to go over the balloon

And we're going to play a game of
Greg's Says, Alex Says.

Which is like Simon Says.
When Greg says it -

as in I will say,
Greg says do this -

then you have to do it.
If it says Alex says,

just ignore it.

LAUGHTER

Really? Yeah.

So, if it says Greg says do the
thing, you have to do it.

If it says Alex says it, you don't
have to do it. Don't do it.

SALLY: I love this game.

LAUGHTER

Greg is going to be watching
your foot,

it must stay over the balloon
at all times.

The other foot must stay
on the red circle.

And the first balloon to go,
they'll get one point.

The last balloon to go will
get five points. OK.

So, if Greg says put one foot
over the balloon,

from now on that must stay
over the balloon.

So, make sure you're comfortable.

Now, we're ready to play.

Greg says put your hands
on your head.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER COVERS TALKING

Hands on your head, please.
Alex says,

put one hand on the head
of a person next to you.

BALLOON POPS

AUDIENCE: Aw. Oh, Bob's out.

Greg says, bow deeply.

BALLOON POPS

Kumar's gone.

OK. Greg says blow a kiss to
the Taskmaster. A French kiss.

LAUGHTER

A French kiss? Yeah. OK.

Alex says, twerk.

BALLOON POPS

Sally's gone. OK, she's gone.
She's gone.

OK, there's two left in it.

Greg agrees and Greg also
says twerk.

I don't know what...

LAUGHTER

BALLOON POPS

Mark's has gone.

BALLOON POPS

CHEERING

Aisling wins!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can you all make your way down?

We'll see how that's affected
the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All right, now, Alex. So, now can
you give me lots of information?

Mark came second and Aisling
came first and what that means

is that the scoreboard, excitingly,
looks like this.

For the first time in the series,
we have... Oh!

..a draw.

A draw, we have a draw.

Shut the front door, a tie-break.

Alex, what happens now? Well, as you
know, over the past few months,

our contestants took part in
some tie-break challenges...

AISLING: Yes! ..in case exactly
this sort of thing happened.

And in this tie-break task,

we tested their ability
to back throw a Swede.

MARK: Oh, no. Oh!

LAUGHTER

All they had to do was stare
at a picture of you

and chuck a picture of our
old friend Fred

into the bin behind them in
as few attempts as possible.

LAUGHTER

We're going to see Aisling's
attempt first. Here it is. Go.

Is this a famous Swede? Because he
looks look he might be a murderer.

I got into comedy so I wouldn't
have to sit at a desk

dealing with paper.

SHE SCREAMS

Did I get it in?!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, the celebration's going
to take some beating.

Can we see Mark's? Yeah, this is
Mark's attempt.

Ah.

Glasses off.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, I can tell you that Aisling got
Fred in the bin in 66 attempts.

SHE CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

Mark got Fred in the bin...

in 15 attempts. Ooh!

CHEERING

NISH CHEERS

AISLING: Well done.

Well done, Mark Watson. Go and
collect your souvenirs for keepsake.

Mark Watson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bedtime for you, Alex. Is it?
Yeah. Good, good.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Just there? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Good boy.

APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that even Alex Horne's
closest friends

don't notice when he's not there.

But, hey, now. Don't forget,
it's all about Mark, tonight.

Well done to him and well done
to you for watching. Good night!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson