Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 2 - The Leprechaun or the Lesbian - full transcript

The guests have to see who can make the biggest splash, along with other ridiculous tasks.

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HE LAUGHS
Agh!

Oh, my God!

No!

Yes!

Oh, yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, my name's Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster. Welcome.

Over the past few months,
five comedians,
all with enormous potential,

have been competing
in a series of ridiculous tasks.

And it's here that they come
to watch their trial unfold.



I say "trial" because
this is basically a courtroom
with me as their judge and jury.

And like in any court room,
I will judge their actions

both severely and without
the slightest hint of compassion.

At the end of the series, the person
that's accumulated the most points
will go home with this.

Ooh! The Taskmaster trophy.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!

So, let's crack on and meet
the people that want to win it.

They are Aisling Bea!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Bob Mortimer!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Mark Watson!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Nish Kumar!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And Sally Phillips!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And perched next to me,
he's the thought that counts,

oh, look! It's Little Alex Horne!
LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE



Alex, what are you? What am I?
LAUGHTER

I'm a normal guy. A normal guy.
I shoot from the hip.
LAUGHTER

So appalling aim. It's too low.
LAUGHTER

And also, this is a fact about me,
I brush my teeth with Primula,
like, the cheese spread,

because it's the same packaging,
and it turns out, when you're
an adult, you do what you want.

LAUGHTER

On we go with the show.
On we go, yes.
It's the Prize Task first of all.

Each week, the five aren't just
competing for precious points, but
also for each others' belongings.

And for this show's Prize Item,
we donned our thinking caps

and then asked them to bring in
their hippest item of headwear.

Oh! Yes.

At the end of the show,
one of them will go home
with five items of hip headwear.OK.

Nish Kumar... Hello. ..tell me about
your hat and tell me why it's hip.

The hat that I've brought in
was made for me in Disneyland.

My father's nickname for me
is Nishi. Here we go.

There. Aw!

Yeah. Nishi,
according to Urban Dictionary,

is a very approachable,
friendly, sexy girl.

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Of course, when I want to buy
hip things, I head to...

Disney World. ..Disney World.
LAUGHTER

Wanna see Aisling's hip hat?
Yeah, I do. Please. OK.

I thought to myself
biodegradable, eco-friendly,

maybe a celebrity endorsement,
and this is my hat.

It's a Yorkshire pudding hat!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

When is a hat not a meal?
LAUGHTER

Hey, Bob, we haven't got time
for philosophy, mate. Sorry.
LAUGHTER

Sorry. Who are we seeing next? We're
gonna see Sally Phillips. Phillips.

Well, erm, it's headwear.
And it has some hips on it.

LAUGHTER

It's sort of more eyewear
than headwear, isn't it? It's not!

It's not! The hips are attached
to the white balaclava.

And on the top of the balaclava,
in case this came up... Right.

..I've attached a beret.

Do you wanna know how I describe it
in my notes? I described that as
"Hip, hip, beret!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yeah. Yeah.

Very pleased with that. I've told
you about... erm... the jokes.
Oh, yeah.

LAUGHTER
So sorry.

OK. Who's next?
Mark Watson's hat next.

Mark Watson.
Well, I've got a hat which... is,

has neon on it, and it lights up
with the Taskmaster logo.
We'll show it to you.

Whoa! AUDIENCE: Ooh! Jesus Christ!
LAUGHTER

I used a little trick
we call paying £400.
LAUGHTER

What?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Imagine how awful it would be,
though, if you spent all that money
and then the person judging...

decided that you
should probably go last.

LAUGHTER

Who's next? Bob, right? Last one.
Yes. Hello, Bob. Hi. Hi, Bob.

Yes, my hat was a gift to me
from my friend Vic, Vic Reeves,
Jim Moir, a few years back,

and he described it to me
as a military hat for a future war.
LAUGHTER

I think it's pretty hip.
Are you ready? Here it is.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There you have it.

Great. Yeah? You're gonna have to
judge them now. Oh, OK. Yeah.

Erm... Do you wanna start in
the middle? Start with third place.

And then work out...
I like eating. I know that.

Oh! Feels like a third place... I'm
always third place. AUDIENCE: Aww!

And sometimes I will pay
even 400 quid

just to stop being third place. We
don't know yet how that works out.
LAUGHTER

I'll tell you how it works out.
Fourth place.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Most of the time I try and use logic,
but that was just gut instinct.

It just fizzed up inside me.
And now I feel awful.

Well, we share a gut instinct, cos
I wish I hadn't done it, as well.
LAUGHTER

Let's play a game and guess
who's last. Can I enter the game?
LAUGHTER

Congratulations!
LAUGHTER

So it's either a hat
made of actual hips or a war hat.

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna go for the brilliant
literal interpretation
and give it to Sally Phillips.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I mean, if it's any consolation,
I do feel genuinely awful
that I've done that. Yeah?

Is it worth me saying my line now
to lighten the mood? Yeah.

Hat's entertainment. Hat's
entertainment. What have I told you?

LAUGHTER

I sought permission.
Just give me the first task. OK.

The first task is what we call
essential engineering works.

Oh, no.
LAUGHTER

Hello. Hello, Sally.

SHE GASPS

I see the task is on a coconut.

"Make the best
coconut-flinging machine."

"You have 20 minutes,
and one attempt."

"Furthest coconut fling wins."

Your time starts...

Now.
OK, I'd better go look in the shed.

So I have to make a machine
to get this as far as possible?
Is that what it says?

So, presumably, I can't
just pick it up and chuck it.
Are you a machine? No.

Er, OK, so I've gotta make
a machine. Right.

APPLAUSE

It's sort of classic Taskmaster
fodder, really, isn't it?

Five well-educated people

constructing a machine to fire
a coconut as far as possible.

OK, we're gonna see the construction
process of the machine first of all.

And we've grouped together
Sally, Nish and Aisling,

because it felt nice/right. Oh!
LAUGHTER

Oh, it's gonna be so good.

So, like, a...
I need a fulcrum of some sort.

Oh, hello!

What have we here?
LAUGHTER

I'm gonna gaffer tape
the bottom of this rollerblade

to the coconut to make it heavier.

And also, when it lands,
it'll be able to roll a bit further.

I've found a quick problem. I
couldn't get a cup of tea, could I?

11 minutes left. Mm. Yeah.

I'm a bit nervous now, to be honest.

What about? Time.
LAUGHTER

Right. Here we go.

Ow!

OK. We're ready to go.

What are you trying to do?
I'm trying to find a fulcrum.
Yeah. I could use you.

Place yourself under that.

That goes down like that.

What about... No. It's not quite
staying in place, is it?

Shitting piss!
LAUGHTER

Right, this is it. Do it!

APPLAUSE

Well, I think we can all agree
that they made machines of sorts.

Yes. Can we? We had a bow.
A fulcrum. You said fulcrum twice

within the first minute. Ooh!
LAUGHTER

You double-fulcrumed it.
LAUGHTER

And then a catapult system. OK.

So this is all three
of their actual attempts.

Alright. Are you ready? Yes.

Five, four...
Am I doing it on one? Sally?

Good night. And good luck.

Five... Four...

Three... Two...

One... launch!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Launch!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Has it finished rolling?
It's finished rolling.

LAUGHTER

Both the films...
Gladiator and Braveheart

would never have gone anywhere
if that was the first shot fired.

Hindsight is 20/20, Gregory.
You know?

Sometimes you just think, "I'm
gonna be a fat, Indian Robin Hood,"
and you go for it. OK?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's talk cold facts. OK.
Tell me some distances.
Well, Aisling's travelled 4.40m,

bearing in mind you were standing
on a sloped driveway,

which is well over 4.40m,
and it was on a roller skate,

so you could have just pushed it...
LAUGHTER

Anyway, 4.40m. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Nish...

Yes, Alex? ..5.30m...

Damn it! ..which is the equivalent
of flinging a coconut
over an enormous river,

a very deep but narrow river.
LAUGHTER

Imagine getting... less than that...
Yes. ..mighty bowman.

I don't have to imagine.
It's happened.
LAUGHTER

And Sally? Sally, exactly
the same length as her stick.

Erm...
LAUGHTER
..5.50m!

Oh!
APPLAUSE

Yeah. She's in the lead.

Bob and Mark are still to fling. But
first, loads and loads of adverts.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're just having
such a great time together.

I can't remember what was happening,
though, Alex.

Well, our five affluent competitors
are trying to make
coconut-flinging machines.

So far, Sally, Nish and Aisling
have made machines and flung.

Let's take a look at Bob and Mark
constructing their flingers.

Now, I'm not very
mechanically-minded, so I'm...
What are you looking for?

That's the problem.
I'm just looking around

for any obvious coconut-flinging
devices, first of all.
LAUGHTER

I can practise, yeah? Yes.

Where do I do my flinging?
Wherever you want, Bob.

Hm.

I'm gonna give this a go, just see
what's... You know what I mean? OK.
Like, see what the feeling of it is.

LAUGHTER

I mean... Yeah, hi.

How will you know
that the coconut's been... flung?

Oh, I'll be watching.
Yeah, but, I mean,

what's the actual,
what designates...
What do you think "flinging" means?

Flinging means throwing, really,
doesn't it?

Have you seen machines? Tell me the
most basic machine you've ever seen?

I'd say a machine is almost
anything mechanical, really. OK.

And you've got a hat. Yeah.
Is that mechanical?
Yeah. A hat is mechanical?

That's a nice fit.

You just...

I'm just testing the workings
of the... machine.

Sorry, the hat?
Well, this is my flinging machine.

I'm ready to do it. OK.

Good luck, Mark. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I put it to you, Mark,
that a hat is not a machine.
LAUGHTER

Your other hat was more a machine,
the one you paid 400 quid for.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I did find evidence on the internet
that a hat can be a machine,
which I then sent to Alex.

You did send me a link to a site,

which it seemed like
there was evidence that machines
could include hats.

Do you want to see it?
It's called Wikipedia.
LAUGHTER

And the entrant on machines,
the final word there,
you can see a list of machines.

LAUGHTER

"Computers, televisions,
radios and hats."
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You see, the thing is,
my instinct is that the crutch
is more of a machine.

Well, it's metal, and it had
moving parts that I could adjust.

And you utilised
one of the moving parts. Yeah. OK.

Here are the machine and hat
in action.

Good luck, Bob. Thank you.

One fling. Are you ready?

Ah!

Ah!
LAUGHTER

Fling!

Well, it's a distance
that you can measure.

You hit my clock. Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Bob used his crutch.

Er, and you saw it struck my clock.
It actually turned the clock off.

I don't know if you wanna factor
that in. Jesus! And it went 16.20m.

AUDIENCE: Ooh! Mark...

18.90m. What?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If I were to disqualify Mark
for not creating a machine,
he'd get no points, right?

I've not seen you like this before.
I've never felt this conflicted.

I'm going to give Mark Watson

an absolute maximum of two points.
That's what I'm going to give him.

So it might go down?
LAUGHTER

It might go down. OK.
LAUGHTER

I won't write it yet. Write it now.

And then do the rest by distance.

So Bob's crutch is a machine?
That's correct.

Five points. I'm a lucky lad.
Four points for Sally Phillips. Yes.

Three for Nish Kumar. Correct.
Mark gets two. Does Aisling
also get two? She also gets two.

SHE GRUNTS

How are the scores looking now, Alex?
It's a tie for first place. Bob
and Sally are both on nine points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Delightful. What's next?

Well, I'm afraid I'm completely
in the dark about the next one.

Ooh!
LAUGHTER

DOOR SHUTS

AISLING: Oooh!

Big up for the rave up!

BOB: Oh! Luminosity!

MARK: Well, I don't... I'm really
worried about this already.

NISH: What have we got here, then?
I'm bad at these when I can see.

Hello, Mark. Oh, hi, Alex.

It's... dark, isn't it?

SALLY: "Paint the best
rainbow scene."

BOB: "You may not open the lab door
until the task is complete."

AISLING: "You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now." Where?

On this? Yes, please.

NISH: Oh!

I can't see the colours!
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's very nice to have the tasks
really spelled out.

LAUGHTER

Let's, erm, see them.

OK. How about Bob, Sally
and Aisling? Yeah, lovely. OK.

BOB: It's not every day
that you wake up

and somebody's been murdered
on top of you, is it?
LAUGHTER

It can be wherever you want.
But a rainbow scene would be nice.

SALLY: Two beautiful gay women.
Yes. If you could.

AISLING: I'm going to do
something very xenophobic
against Irish people,

which is put a little pot of gold

where all the leprechauns
do be hanging out.

BOB: My very first job
was as a painter and decorator.

I saw the woman whose house,
first house we painted,

and she said
it had never needed painting since,

cos it fucking burned down.

LAUGHTER

SALLY: That's Marmite.
Why are you using Marmite?

BOB: The paint's very thick
in this one. Shit, it's thick!
LAUGHTER

SALLY: I'm happy with that.

AISLING: And now for a cup of tea
for this man.

LAUGHTER

AISLING: Mm!
LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And it's my favourite quote of the
show so far. "Shit, it's thick!"
LAUGHTER

Well, one of them was Marmite,
as we heard. Oh! Did Sally say
that it was Marmite? Yes, she did.

Well, Sally noticed it was Marmite
and said she was gonna paint
two lesbians

using a test your strength machine.

LAUGHTER

What I want to do is to drill down
into that a little bit more.
LAUGHTER

Well, rainbow. I guess, rainbow,
I'm thinking it's like gay pride.
Two beautiful lesbian women. Yes.

What's the test your strength
machine? Everyone knows lesbians love
using test your strength machines.

They can't walk past one...
LAUGHTER

We can see all three, if you want.
Let's have a look at them.
OK. Here they are.

LAUGHTER
Well, the awful news is
one of the lesbians is dead.

LAUGHTER

There are two,
but one is painted in white.

Oh! Oh!

I think there's a bigger issue
for us to discuss,

and that's the fact
that the leprechaun appears to be
smeared in its own shit.

LAUGHTER

Ah! Can I just explain what Bob did?

The bottom bit of your rainbow,
it's a little man.

You said, "He's called Matthew and
he's being chased by a policeman.
But you can't see the policeman."

LAUGHTER
Lovely day for it.

LAUGHTER

Let's talk about
the quality of the rainbow.

You've got a system for remembering
the colours of the rainbow.

Yes. The bottom two, violet
and indigo, don't really count,
cos they're both purple.

Richard of York
gave battle purple purple. OK.
LAUGHTER

So no-one got it right.
No-one got it right. But it would be
difficult in the dark.

OK. Do you wanna have a look
at Nish? Nish decided to use
another sense.

NISH: I suppose the point
of this task is to work out
what colour is which.

And how are you gonna do that?
Can I smell them?

HE SNORTS
What did that smell like? Bread.

Oh! They smell like the colours.
That smells like chocolate.

Right, I've gotta find strawberry
first, cos red is at the top.

Everything smells of lemon!
You've got ten seconds left.

Oh, shit and piss!
LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

Nish, stop painting.

Nish. We can see you.
Nish, put the pot down.
LAUGHTER

Put the pot down, Nish.

APPLAUSE

So they were all infused
with correct scents
reflecting the colours.

It was really nice to see, you know,
someone using their brain.

"These might be different things.
I'm gonna smell them."

I think you might like the picture.
Let's have a look. OK. Here we go.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

APPLAUSE
Mm. Lovely art.

Is it a scene? I dunno.

Yeah, it's a scene, mate!
I like the fact that you smelt them.

I don't think it's a scene.
Oh, come on, mate!
AUDIENCE SIGH

Here I come again
with a link to some adverts. Bye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to the third
instalment of tonight's episode.

Alex, please fill our lovely audience
in on the current task situation

and make sure it's the funniest thing
you've ever said.
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Our contestants
were painting in the dark.

Just Mark Watson left to go.

LAUGHTER

Nish noticed
that we'd assigned scents
to the corresponding paint colour.

Will Mark,
the man who most closely resembles
a character in a boiler suit,

be any good at painting rainbows
in the dark?

Absolute horse shit.
LAUGHTER

MARK: Yeah, so when I draw on there,
I'm not gonna see anything at all.

That's the fun of the task. Why not?
Er, it's too dark. Ah.

Red. I'm just thinking red
because that's where we start
with a rainbow.

The tricky thing is
not losing my bearings, isn't it?

I don't think
there's a way that I'm missing
of supplying myself with light.

It looks like there's
a light switch there.

I don't think it probably is,
but it would be silly of me
not to at least try.

It didn't say
I can't turn the light on.

Mm. That does help. Oh!

Is that against the rules?
It's a lot easier like this.

It's much easier, actually, yes.
This is why normally we have lights.

Er, I've made it
easier for myself, certainly,
but everyone will do that.

Everyone will put the light on.
So it's all about
the quality of the rainbow now.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

An absolutely legitimate move. Right?

The light switch was there for
all five. It was lit by the square.

If you watch back,
it is always there. And they just
said you can't leave the room.

Oh!
LAUGHTER

The question is,
was your picture any good?

I think there's one element
of the rainbow which you'd be
surprised that he got wrong.

LAUGHTER

That is worse
than what we did in the dark!
LAUGHTER

Oh, my God! It's quite flat.
It's quite a flat rainbow.

LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ! Rainbows have only got
one physical characteristic.
LAUGHTER

Maybe we should focus on
the two witnesses.

Do they seem unimpressed?
No. They're saying, "Wow!"
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right. We can see all five now.
Then you can decide.
Yeah, let's have a look.

Now, I would argue that Bob's...

is..

a horrible scene.
LAUGHTER

A dystopian nightmare.
LAUGHTER

And as a consequence, I think
I'm going to pop him in last place.
OK. Fair enough.

OK? One point. And one up from him,

he did some good smelling,
but that's not a scene. It's rubbish.
LAUGHTER

The most intelligent person in the
room, arguably, was the person who
worked out how to turn the light on.

Then he let himself down horribly...
LAUGHTER

..by not understanding the basics.

So I'm gonna put Mark in third place.
It's the leprechaun or the lesbian.
I think that...

LAUGHTER

I suspect,
and feel free to write in, lesbians,

I suspect that
they don't feel the need...

HE LAUGHS
..to prove their strength

using an old-fashioned
test your strength machine.

But I can't prove that leprechauns
don't smear shit everywhere.
LAUGHTER

So Aisling in first place?
So Aisling is in first place.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I never win anything!

Ha-ha! We need to crack on. Alex,
can we have a quick task, please?

Quick one? OK. Well, this one
is the best one since sliced...

Well, you'll see. You'll see.

Hello?

"There is a loaf of bread
in the lab."

"Slice the loaf
as neatly as possible.

You may use one tool only."

"And that tool must be found
in this caravan."

Where there is also a loaf of bread.
But the bread's not here.
The bread's in the lab.

"Slice in the lab."
So not this loaf. A different loaf.

"You have five minutes.
Your time starts now."

Right. OK.

Well, that's quite sharp.

APPLAUSE

OK. So they have to slice a loaf
of bread that was in the lab.

But they were only allowed to take
one item to slice it with,

and that item had to be found
in the caravan. Lovely.
It's a standard task. Yep.

Do you wanna see Aisling
doing almost that? Yeah!
LAUGHTER

I already... I just only realised
what the task was.

LAUGHTER

"There is a loaf of bread
in the lab."

Interesting.

Without a doubt,
I'm gonna use... this... can.

Oh! The bread smells delicious!

I mean, there's one slice.
I don't wanna waste this bread.

Ow! Cut myself.

LAUGHTER
There's blood on the loaf.

Ow! Ow! I've cut myself again.

SHE LAUGHS

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

Can there be any sadder sight...
LAUGHTER
..than a blood-covered loaf of bread

in the wrong room?
LAUGHTER

Any points? No, she didn't take...
No. She didn't go to the lab.

No. No points.
No. No points to Aisling.
Do you wanna see Mark and Nish?

Er, yes. OK. Here we go.

This is a red herring.
You can't really slice bread
with bread, as the phrase is.

This is possible, I think, is it?
It's not ideal.

I assume it would be too convenient
for there just to be a knife
knocking around.

Dammit!

I think I'm gonna go with that.

Right, I'm gonna give it a try
with this. To the lab!

LAUGHTER

Yes, there's the bread. Hi, Alex.

There he is.

Are you using a book?
Through The Christian Year.

What are you slicing it with?
I'm hoping to slice it with this.

So, that's...
that's a slice, isn't it?

It's not easy. And you can see
why people do use bread knives.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!

A perfectly-sliced piece of bread!

20 seconds left. Oh, shit and piss!

LAUGHTER

That's sort of a slice, isn't it?
Not too bad, actually.

Well, that's sort of a slice,
isn't it?

WHISTLE BLOWS

WHISTLE BLOWS
Stop slicing.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've gotta say, I was pretty
confident I'd be in last place,

but I reckon
without somebody being in the...
LAUGHTER

..the wrong area altogether. Yeah.
SHE SIGHS

You've got a chance.
Nish's were very neat.
You used Through The Christian Year,

Poems Old And New,
by Godfrey Bradby and Joseph Hunkin,
published in 1933.

LAUGHTER
Yours wasn't the most obvious
choice of knife.

It was, well, it was a grill. No, it
was more of a grill. Pretty blunt.
LAUGHTER

I have to say, I'm increasingly
starting to understand
why we're being grouped together...

Me, too. Me, too.
Because when you got that grill out,

I was like,
"This guy's a fucking genius."
LAUGHTER

No, it was actually...
APPLAUSE

Do you wanna see the grownups,
Sally and Bob? Oh, what, mate?

Yeah, I do. Here we go.

Nothing.
Slice it with a sausage. Slice it
with... I could have a go with that.

I was thinking maybe a toothbrush
could do it.

Maybe string could do it. Yeah.
Right, well, I better get going.

I could try with that.

Hey!

I'm gonna have to hack at it
so at least I got one.

LAUGHTER

A party of four, is it, madam?
Yes, certainly.

Would you like a slice of bread
for each of your party.

WHISTLE BLOWS

I've been dying to do this.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The fact that Sally
had protective gloves on,

had we learned
from a previous accident?

LAUGHTER

So they both created
four hunks of bread.

Yeah. Very much a dental theme
with yours, Bob.

I thought the string would work.
But it was incredibly ineffective.

Well, this is one of the problems.
They were only allowed to use
one item. Ohh!

Right. And I'm afraid
they did both use two. Oh, dear.

Oh, right.
You know, the rules are rules, right?

Yeah, I suppose they are.
LAUGHTER

That means zero points
for the following individuals,

which is unprecedented.

This is incredible.
This is our moment!
LAUGHTER

We did it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Aisling "Wrong Room" Bea, zero.

Bob... Zero. Zero. Sally, zero.

In second place, Mark with four
points. And Nish Kumar takes
the victory with five points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do we have a scoreboard update? Yeah.
Well, it's tightened things up.

There are three points separating
all five. It looks like this.

Oh! Oh! Yeah, it's close. Close.

APPLAUSE

Can we have another one, please?
Yeah, we've got a quick one.

You're gonna be proud of me. It's
the first team task of the series.
Oh! Here we go.

Please stand behind the cone
and be very careful.

Look who I found!

Little old Bob. Hello! I was just
hanging around having a dump. Sally!

LAUGHTER

How are you doing? You alright?
Lovely to see you, Sally.
Yeah, you, too.

Hello, Nish.

Mark, please stand behind your cone.
Alright. And be very careful.

What's going on? Wow! Yes.
Here we go.

GENTLE WHIRRING

LAUGHTER

AISLING GASPS
If you could just wait.

There.

Oh, my God. Cool.

LAUGHTER

It's too wet now. And it's broken.
Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

"Achieve the greatest splat.

One teammate must be splattered
for the splat to be valid."

"You have ten minutes
to choose your splatting materials

and then ten minutes to pull off
your splat." "Pull off your splat."
"Your time starts now."Right.

So you're gonna do the splatting
somewhere else.

And whoever's dropping, splatting,
they're gonna be high up.

High up?
So we have to get as high...
No. We're gonna provide one of these.

An actual crane? An actual crane?
Oh! Right.

Oh! Are you alright with heights?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sally, you alright with heights? No.

Yoghurt is a good
splatting material.

A big bucket full of yoghurt.
A bucket full of yoghurt.

Ambrosia Rice. Rice pudding.
It's traditional, isn't it?

We could do lots of balloons
full of cream.

What colour balloons? All green
apart from one that's yellow.

And that's the piss one. Yes.
LAUGHTER

We'd like two big buckets
and all the non-set yoghurt...
Money can buy. Yeah.

Swords.
Please don't forget those, though.

Condoms, small balloons
and big balloons.

Bad quality. Yeah. So it won't
be much good for the company.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Interesting suggestion.
Have one balloon full of piss.

LAUGHTER
Yeah. Not a traditional
splatting substance.

You've never heard of a splat like
this. We were trying to get away
from the Noel's House Party,

gunge, splat. We agreed
that Bob was going to gently piss
a tiny bit into a balloon

and the rest...
LAUGHTER

So you were going to be dropping...

It's called warm fun.
LAUGHTER

In certain circles,
that's what they do call it.

So, just one more part left. See you
there for the last bit of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
Part four, then. Here we go.

Weren't we... We were in the middle
of a team task. You're right.
And it was a messy team task.

They've been busy splatting, Greg.
Do you wanna see Aisling,
Bob and Sally?

I mean, of course. Immediately. OK.

What do you reckon? Yeah.

She's so dead. We're gonna kill her.
We're gonna absolutely kill her.

One... Two, three... Go.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, blast!

This one's gonna get it, Sally.
That's the one with piss in it.

That's the one with piss.
LAUGHTER
Oh, what a shame.

Oh! Ah! OK.

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah!
CHEERING

Yeah!

Yes!
LAUGHTER

Yay!

Yeah, Sally! Yes!

Die!

Die! Die! Die!

Great work, Sally.

This is the last one. Agh!

Hey! That is the greatest splat!

Yeah! Check it out!

A soldier! You're a soldier, Sally!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Had the lot, didn't it? Had the lot.

LAUGHTER

And one of the most erotic
condom swinging scenes...

LAUGHTER
..I've ever seen.

Presumably
from a piss-drenched woman.

LAUGHTER

That was fun.
Next up we've got Mark and Nish.

M and N. Or N and M.
But here they are.

LAUGHTER

I'm gonna try the first dab
of the yoghurt. Yeah, OK.

I'm just gonna watch this come down
and position myself.

OK.

If we do that again,
I'll get splattered real nice.
Go for it, Watson.

LAUGHTER

OK. That's most of one bucket.
OK, Watson.

I'm ready, mate. Incoming! Splat me.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

OK. It seems like we've hit
the right trajectory for it.

Mate!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

NISH LAUGHS

MARK LAUGHS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Does it hurt, having yoghurt
thrown at you from 30 feet?

When it hits the visor, it was
quite like being shot at, yeah.
LAUGHTER

And there was a lot of food
in this one. We have donated money
to a food bank.

Just because it didn't feel great

pouring that much yoghurt
onto a man.

LAUGHTER
Split the splats, Greg.

I'll split the splats.
I don't know what to do.
I think they were both brilliant.

But I sometimes think that
there is an art in simplicity.

Oh! And I think that
that final awful image

of Mark Watson...
LAUGHTER

..surrounded by... by yoghurt,
it was quite beautiful.

But I thought the other one
was great, as well. And Sally took
a face full of piss for the show.

So I'm gonna say three points
to the two gentlemen,

two points to the trio. OK. Done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We did it.
We put everything into it.

It's that time in the show
when I send you up to the stage
for the final task of the show.

So please go to the stage
for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow! I can only imagine what the task
is. Who's gonna read it out?
I think Bob is. Bob.

If that's alright with you, Bob.
OK. There we go.

"With your face placed
firmly in your hole at all times..."

LAUGHTER

"..paint the most recognisable
animal, vegetable or mineral.

You must incorporate your face
in the picture.

Most accurate representation of an
animal, vegetable or mineral wins.

You have three minutes."
Let's get going. Yeah. OK.

That time starts...
HE BLOWS WHISTLE
..now. Good luck, everyone.

LAUGHTER

I mean, presumably,

given the amount of things
they could draw, Alex,

there's gonna be no replication,
is there?
LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, shit!

Are you painting that? Yeah. Here
you are, you paint the green bit.
I'll paint you.

Paint the green bit.
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Come on, Aisling!

Thank you, Ireland!
LAUGHTER

NISH SPITS

Five seconds left!

Four... AUDIENCE: Three, two, one.
WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please will you all join us
back down here, we'll see what
that's done to the final scores.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Lovely, lovely art. Erm, can we have
a look at all those pictures first?
Yes. So here they all are.

You've gotta judge
which is the most recognisable.

Well, I think we've gotta be
absolutely literal about this.
The most recognisable.

There are four pictures there
that are as recognisable...
that I recognise immediately.

Which ones are they?
Well, there are...

LAUGHTER

There are three carrots.
LAUGHTER

Oh, yeah. Yeah? Yeah. And correct me
if I'm wrong, Aisling... Yes.

..there is a cat with a giant penis.
LAUGHTER

Yes, yes.
So they're all five points.

SHE GASPS
Now... Thank you.

..Bob's is interesting...
LAUGHTER

..because...

I think I know what it is. Right.

And if it is that thing...

But how are you...
Cos if you say what it is,
he'll just say, "Yes, it is."

But I'm gonna get Bob to say it
at the same time as me. After three.

Three? Three, two, one.

Ice cream. Ice cream cone. Yeah. Ohh.

I had some doubt in my mind
about Bob's, so I'm gonna
have to give him one point less,

cos there was doubt in my mind,
cos, well, his painting's shit.

LAUGHTER

You don't mind Nish and Sally
painting each other? No, I don't.

It's only a game, innit? Fair enough.
LAUGHTER

So, erm...
APPLAUSE

So, I mean, I dread to think,
how does that affect
the final scores, Alex? OK.

It's been a tight one. But there is
one clear winner and that winner,

you can see here, is... Oh!
..it's Sally Phillips!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sally wins.
Go and grab your prizes and feel good
about yourself, Sally! Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So what have we learned today?
We've learned that wherever
Paul Young lays his machine,

that's his home.
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

But the other thing
that we've learned is that Sally
has won tonight's episode.

Well done to her and goodbye to you!
Goodbye!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson