Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Dignity Intact - full transcript

The new season kicks of with 5 new guests; Aisling Bea, Bob Mortimer, Mark Watson, Nish Kumar and Sally Phillips. But are they up for the wacky challenges ahead of them?

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! I'm Greg Davies. A very warm
welcome to the fifth series
of Taskmaster.

We have five new comedians
waiting in the wings,

all with wildly different skill sets

and numbers of fans!

Across the...
LAUGHTER

I didn't write that!

Across the next eight episodes they
will learn to accept their many
mistakes,

to live with excruciating
embarrassment,

or, in the rarest of cases,

revel in the glory of being
brilliant



at a completely pointless activity.

As requested by each of them
individually,

the prize is this cheaply gilded
and bodiless Greg Davies trophy.

In eight episodes' time,

only one of them will take it home

as the proud series champion
of Taskmaster.

So, without further ado,

let's meet this series'
Fantastic Five.

They are Aisling Bea...

..Bob Mortimer...

Mark Watson...

..Nish Kumar...

..and Sally Phillips!

And here once more, desperately
hoping for a better introduction
than this



it's little Alex Horne!

Thank you.

How the devil have you been, Alex?
Have you been well?

I've been good. I feel strong.
I've abandoned the diet.

Oh, yeah? That helped! OK.

It was a horrible... I was on,
as you know, you put me on the
No Solids or Liquids diet.

I did. It was just gas for four
months!

Lovely, delicious gas!

But now I'm back to eating
what I like,

and what I like, as you know,
is cocktail sausages.

The classiest of sausages.
Cos it's cocktail and sausage.

And my guilty pleasure, Imodium.
Two packs a day at the moment!

Shall we start the show?
Yes, we should.

As always, we start
with the prize task.

So our contestants are not only
playing for the overall series
trophy,

but every episode, they will compete
to win each other's possessions.

Today, we've asked them to bring
something that makes the most
excellent noise.

"Excellent" being the key word. And
"noise" being the other key word!
Noise.

LAUGHTER

Whoever's thing makes the most
excellent noise in your superior
opinion, Greg,

will get the first five points of
the show

and at the end of the episode,
the winner will take home five noisy
items.

Wow(!)

Here we go. Aisling Bea,
welcome to the show.

Thanks very much, Greg. What
thing did you bring in, and what
excellent noise does itmake?

My noisy item is a rave horn.

I was hoping that would be
the picture, not like a boner
after someone's...

That's an air horn, Aisling.

Yes, but you use it at a rave.
Do you want to hear it? Yes.
But you've...

HORN BLOWS

Do you like it? I do like it.
And I'll tell you why.

It takes me back to my childhood,
because they were quite fashionable
when I was a youngman.

In the war?!

You know, in the old Blitz!

Put that light out! "Errrggh!"

You're in luck, cos I very much
enjoy the sounds of an air horn.

And we wouldn't be in conflict if
you'd just called it an air horn.

Oh. So, well done.

Bob, what did you bring in,
and what noise does it make?

I brought a small rubber cylinder
with a metallic end

that makes a very excellent noise,
in my opinion. You know what I mean?

That's what the game's all about,
Bob.

Do you want to see a picture...
There it is.

What noise does it make?
I have it in my pocket.

Can I say first, it's the noise
of a blackbird, according to
the instructions.

You reckon?

CHIRPING

AISLING: Put it on loud!

It's a lot like sitting next to a
blackbird.

Good? Identical to being next to
a blackbird. Maybe you are,
but it's keeping quiet!

That is...hauntingly beautiful.

Mark, what did you bring?
What noise-making device?

Um, I've brought an opera singer.

What?! I've brought a singer.
Her name is Katherine.

Wow! I've got a picture of her.
Katherine Woodward.

What? You can't win Katherine,
though.

No. Apparently, there are some
legalities!

I think the idea is she would sing
the name of the person who wins.

I think it's shit!

There she is. She's an opera singer.

She's got a CV. She's got two things
on the CV.

There are two singing things
on the CV.

She's sung in two operas?! Operas
are very long. It takes ages.

It's a very good idea. I look
forward to her singing someone's
name. You.

Hello, Greg. Hi, Nish. Nice to see
you. Welcome to the show. What
noise-making item have you brought?

I've brought a CD with a looped
recording of my own laugh on it.

Wow.

LOOPED RECORDING

Funny and interesting.

Um, the description was
an "excellent" noise.

It is. If you stretch "excellent" to
include the words "pungent".

"Upsetting." And "awful"
or "harrowing".

Or "grating". It certainly is
distinctive, Gregory!

Sally Phillips. What excellent
noise-making thing have you brought
in?

It's a...youth disperser!

So it's a sound that is appalling
to hear if you're under 24!

If you're over 24, you can't hear it
at all! Wow!

It's called a "mosquito".
A mosquito, yeah.

Great. Well, I hate young people,
so that's fine!

What's the age cut-off, Sally?
I think it's 24.

24. Who's below 24?

Right. Let's smoke these pricks out!

Yes, it's only people under 25
who can hear it.

It's a screeching noise similar to
nails down a blackboard.

15.5 KHz. Wow! Legally, we're not
allowed to play it!

Ah!

Do you want to start in last place
or first place?

I'd like to start in first place,
please. Who brought in the most
excellent noise?

I think anyone who brings a human
being in as a prize

has got to take first place.
I'm gonna give it to Mark Watson.

Well done. Thank you.

With every year that passes,

I despise the youth more.

I'm putting Sally Phillips in second
place. Second place. Four points.

Yeah. Four points.

Three left. Yes. Aisling Bea,
because I love the air horn.
It reminds me of the '80s.

And that is my justification! Yeah!

Right. I'm putting Bob next.
I did love the noise,

but it's the fact that it was
claiming to be a blackbird.

It's the object's fault, Bob.
Not you.

And Nish is in last place. I'm not
gonna justify it,

because he's already annoying me!

Let's go and get this series truly
underway. OK.

What task have we chosen to kick it
all off, Alex?

Well, Greg, what do you do to me
every morning for one hour against
my will?

I let you take the dry skin
off my feet!

That's true, but it's also a cuddle.
You give me a cuddle

and we're now gonna give them a
cuddle - as in the TV audience -
through the... If you'reready?

Yeah! Yes.

How's it hanging? I'm fine.

Thank you.

"Give Alex a special cuddle."

Oh, no. I knew it!

"Most special cuddle wins."

Oh, Alex!

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now." Mm-hmm.

My instinct is to remove all my
clothes,

but I think that's just more
my general instinct to do that
at any given time.

Have you got a change of clothes?

What do you want me to wear?

I mean, I have fallen slightly in
love with you over the weeks. OK.

Jesus, this is awful!

Will you just do whatever I say?
Yeah?

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's good!
I'll be right back.

Interesting that your instinct,
Aisling,

was to presume that this is Alex's
way of getting away with
some kind of assault!

Well, if you summoned me into a
room, and I'm a street-wise gal,

and there's plastic everywhere
and a white man and a camera,

you're like, "I'm gonna have to wank
this guy off."

There was an awkward atmosphere from
that point for the next five months!

I was just excited!

Bring it on!

I kind of liked the way it was
going. I'm thinking, "Here's
an attractive young man!"

ALL TALK AT ONCE

But not, you know, "Let's spend
a bit of time together.

"You're gonna need a change
of clothes"!

Hell of an opener! Thank you!

Good. Who are we gonna see first?

I think we liked his laugh so much,
we should start with Nish Kumar.

Exciting!

Hello, Alex!

How are you?

I'm good.

There we go. That's perfect.

Now, this is a little rest
for your head.

Put your head in there.

Come on. Are we starting now?

Yeah, let's start the cuddle now.
Pop your head on that.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

There we go!

That is a special cuddle!

That's a fairly route one choice,

but it looked comfy.

Let's ask Alex. Was it comfy?

It was comfy. It was hot. I prefer
room temperature cuddles, if any.

But it was soft. It was like
cuddling you. It was like your
morning cuddles, in away.

The padding... Yeah.

Yeah. Nish Kumar does have to get
an actual sofa cushion

and gaffer-tape it to himself

in order to look like me.
That's right. Yeah.

Yeah. No points for you.

Let's see if someone did it better,
though. OK.

Shall we have a look at Aisling
Bea's cuddle? Yes, please.

OK.

LAUGHTER

IN ROBOTIC VOICE:
Alex, you can open your eyes now.

It's me -

Sexy Cuddle-bot 5000.

Here is your tea.

# I just want you to be so relaxed

# And really feel good about
yourself

# Ideally that candle would be blown
out

# So I don't burn myself. #

Do you want me to blow it out?
Blow it out, please.

# Now that we finally have our
candle blown out

# And we can be alone

# I'm gonna cuddle you really good

# You can be sure of that

# Cuddle you

# They don't call me the Cuddle-Bot
for nothing! #

Mmm! How do you like that?

I like it.

Do you want more, big boy?
A little bit more, please.

'OK.'

A very special cuddle.

MAKES WHIRRING SOUND

I don't like that bit!

Then I will stop. Fair enough.

That's how you do it, right?

That's how you respond to feeling
a little bit sexually threatened,

you dress as an overtly sexual
cuddle robot!

Yeah. You say things like,
"Ooh, baby."

And then you mime hoovering Alex's
genitals!

Hoovering up all the sex out of
this lad.

Yeah. Um, I did definitely...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

I suppose I did feel threatened,
looking back on it now.

And I did use all means to protect
myself.

I slightly misjudged the situation,
sure!

But I'd rather be safe than sorry.

Right!

More cuddles to come, but first,
please give a big round of applause

to the first ad break of the series!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Welcome back to the second part of
the first episode of the fifth
series of Taskmaster!

Right. Where were we? Cuddle, Alex?

OK. Can I have a little one?

No. I will only cuddle you
when you're ill. Very ill.

I look forward to that. Next up,
it's Sally's cuddle.

Here we go.

Lie down. Lie down? Yep.

Alright? Mm-hm.

That's nice. Yeah?

That's good, is it? Is it special
enough?

We're gonna go for every possible
sense of special.

First, I'll give you
a bread eye mask.

Oh.

This will give us such happy
memories.

I'll sprinkle you with lettuce.

Relaxing salad.

Now we've got an out-of-date
chocolate cake. Lovely(!)

This is gonna go in one arm-pit...

Help!

Ooh, that's lovely. That's special.

Just the job.

There's a moustache.

Oh, that's nice.

How long have we got? The time's up!

BLOWS WHISTLE

Thanks, Sally! Pleasure.

I suppose we need to get into the
definition of the word "special".

Special for who? That was very, very
special for me!

Was it? Yeah, I had a lovely time.

I put chocolate cake under each
arm-pit and it went...

I saw that, yeah. And in each sock.

And you said, "I'm gonna start with
a bread eye mask", as if it was
a thing!

You essentially water-boarded him
at the end!

In my eyes! That's how it rolls!

Next up, it's the man with hockey
sticks for arms, it's Mark Watson.

Oh!

So I went on the internet and asked,
"How do you cuddle someone?"

This is sort of... There's this sort
of thing.

I didn't know how special it would
be, so I've brought a picture of you
and your wife. Hmm.

Do you want me to move?

Yeah, they said you might feel
in a better mood, you know.

Cuddle-wise. And it might make you
feel happy.

Go face-to-face. So that's sort
of...

As I say, I just wanted to be as
sterile as I could, really.

What are our legs doing?

I got you some grapes. I got you
a curly-wurly, as well,

but I don't know if we'll have time
cos of the packaging.

But I'm gonna feed you a couple of
these.

It's difficult lying down,
I realise.

And you can have the curly-wurly.

There we go.

Um... This has been really lovely.

Let's just enjoy the time together.

Do you feel happy? Yeah, my clock
says three seconds left.

BLOWS WHISTLE

Thank you.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Mark. Thank you, Alex.

Did you enjoy it?

Sort of Woody Allen's worst ever
film, wasn't it?

The trouble was in a 20-minute time
limit, I spent almost all of it
walking him to a river,

so the actual cuddle, there was
hardly any time...

I don't have an issue with the
setting. It was lovely.

But I was amazed to hear
a 37-year-old man looking up
how to cuddle someone!

There were loads of great tips. We
worked through loads, but there was
only time for a couple.

You Googled "two men cuddle by
riverbank in darkness"?

I've had to change my phone, since,
yes!

There's one more person. Do you want
to see Bob Mortimer's cuddle?

Ooh.

The banana's in there.
The deodorant's in there.

Use them if you want. I'm fine with
that.

So...

Come on in.

Can you turn your arse towards me?

Yes. I think it'll be more snug
if you do.

Right? Oh. Yes? Yes.

Alex. Yes, Bob? Would you like
to shut the boot lid?

Yes, please, Bob. Yes?

Ooh! How does that feel?

It's very low. Too low? Yes.

BOB LAUGHS

Is that more the midriff?
The midriff, yes.

I'm so sorry about that earlier.
I honestly couldn't work out
the angles.

That looks absolutely...
Yes, please.

There we go. That's nice. That's
just under the breast.
Lovely. That's fine.

I'll give one little squeeze and
that completes my special cuddle.

I'm just holding this deodorant.
Is that right?

You can hold it, spray it if you're
getting nauseous. OK. Well, look.

SPRAYING

BOB LAUGHS

Was that the deodorant? That was
the deodorant, yes. Right!

Alex told me about this after it had
happened. Yes.

And he said to me that you had said
to him,

"I've always been looking for an
excuse to get into my own car boot."

It was.

And it wasn't so bad in there,
was it, Alex?

No. You sang Have You Seen
the Muffin Man? to me. I did!

And you wept! I did. That made me
quite sad.

It was lovely. The memories.

What memories?

My father was a muffin man.

OK. Do you want to go for most
special cuddle first? Yes.

Well, I found myself genuinely
jealous when you were in the boot
with Bob.

So I'm putting that in first place.

Woo!

And when I get cuddled, I like to be
terrified and fear for my life,

so I'm putting Sally Phillips
in second place.

Uh, I've sort of wanted to be
cuddled by a deranged robot

with a background of bubbles,

so I'm putting Aisling Bea
in third place. Yay!

And I cannot separate awkwardness
and a man with a cushion sellotaped
to himself,

so I'm putting the two gentlemen
in joint final place.

So two points, there.
Two points each.

Two points! Not bad, eh? We're doing
alright!

Yeah!

And so, Alex, can we please see
the scoreboard?

At the moment, the leader is
Sally Phillips!

Who says that ramming chocolate cake
into an arm-pit doesn't pay
dividends?

What's next? It's a case of row,
row, row you don't.

Oh. Clever.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Sally.

You're looking very brown.

You've got a tan. So have you.

Yeah, but that's nature's tan, mate!

Oh, are you naturally like that?
Yeah.

Oh. I thought you were just always
going on holiday!

BOB: It's my birthday today. What do
you think of that?

I quite like it.

I'm 58. OK. So can you imagine
how wise I am?

Almost there.

Fantastic.

This is for you. Whoa!

DUCKS QUACK OVERHEAD

Shh! I'm trying to read the task,
ducks!

"Get Alex onto dry land..."

"..as elegantly as possible."

"Alex must remain dry."

No mention of me remaining dry!

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes.

"Alex will hoist the anchor in two
minutes."

And you've got rid of the oar!

Oh! Oh, no!

Let's all hold on to our proverbial
horses.

It's time for the second commercial
break. See you soon!

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Weren't we all afloat, Alex? Yes.

So, two things they'll get scored
for. The speed

and the elegance.

Yes, speed... Speed.

Uh-huh. And the elegance. Yes.

Good. Shall we start off with
Aisling and Mark? Yes.

Good.

Here they are.

Can I look what's under here?
If you want to.

I'm seeing as elegantly as possible.

What is this?

Bloody coconuts on this show.

It's one of those regatta scarves
like posh English people wear.

They're oven gloves.
This will come in handy.

There are a lot of things in here.

Now, cos it has to be elegant,
here's an umbrella for you.

There you go.

Now I'm going to make a sail,

because that's what sailors do.

Unfortunately, we're drifting
towards some reeds at the moment!

Where I'm from, Alex, this would be
what we'd call elegant.

A lady very slowly taking off her
clothes

We're not far, now.

We're not far, Alex. You HAVE taken
off your clothes!

I don't know what to do!
Keep your eyes averted!

This is gonna work. It's sort
of a race against time, now.

Except that elegance is important.

You've got five minutes
to get to the dry land.

I mean, don't avert your eyes
like you're disgusted! Oh.

Jesus Christ!

I really wish I'd worn better
underwear!

This won't be that elegant,
but it's not too bad, is it?

I'm quite keen to get to
the pontoon, Mark. Yes.

Darling, welcome ashore!

Don't feck this up!

That was good.

Wa-hey! Dignity intact!
Dignity intact!

OK. Stop the clock.

There's Audrey Hepburn.
Elegant. Elegant.

There's Aisling Bea.

Interesting.

I forgot what knickers I was...
I'm genuinely embarrassed
by my knickers.

I saw your genuine embarrassment.
What sort of feminist am I?

Oh, my awful yellow...
Yellow kind of flower knickers.

Ahh. Awful business. Yeah.

White would have been a disaster.

Well... Well I didn't shit myself,
Sally!

Great. I mean, you know...
How fast was it?

She was quite swift. We were looking
for elegance and speed,

which is a difficult combination.

Eight minutes, 22 seconds,

compared to Mark's
17 minutes 45 seconds,

which we would probably round up
to quite a while!

As you could see, my problem was
quite a strong wind blew us almost
all the way to France!

So... I should say it was a lake!

Yes, but... A very strong wind!

I think you'll find all lakes do
lead to France.

Who's next?

We're gonna see Bob and Sally, now.
Woo!

Which way is the wind blowing?

Which way are we gonna go?

Have you ever punted before?

Yes.

Good. Good to know.

It just feels... We are going
the wrong way, that's true.

I'm trying to turn round! OK.

What's the plan, Bob? I'm gonna
attach a reasonably heavy weight
to the rope

then pull on the rope to bring us
towards the heavy weight.

I think it'll be quite elegant.

It'll be reminiscent of Thai
prawn farming.

Are you ready, Alex?

I'm ready. Aghh!

I thought it would sink!
No, that's floating.

# Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya

# Michael rowed the boat ashore

# Halle-lu-jah. #

Are we there yet?

There you are, sir.

The wonderful island of Capri.

Thank you. Thank you.

I hope you enjoy your stay.

APPLAUSE

Well, I think Bob sums it up, there.

When I think of elegance,
I think of... Prawn farming.
..prawn farmers.

I think we all thought that brolly
would help us. Yeah.

But it just didn't... No.

They're used to protect people
from rain.

How did Bob do time-wise?

Well, it took him 12 minutes
and 37 seconds to cover 50 yards

which means you're travelling at
a speed of about four miles a day!

If you wanted to cross the Atlantic,
it would take him two years!

Now, Sally. Sally was genuinely
elegant. Yep.

Lovely bit of punting.

She took exactly ten minutes
and 12 seconds. Ooh!

But it was the most elegant so far,
I think, Sally's, clearly,
wasn't it?

Perfect. I'll note that down.
Who's left?

We're yet to see Nish Kumar's
effort.

WHIRRING

Ha, ha, ha!

I'm hoisting the anchor.

Quite elegant.

This is my most elegant position.

Are we nearly there, Nish?

We've got to stay elegant with it,
Alex.

That's not very elegant, is it?

I can feel the wind on my butt
crack.

I could see the wind on your butt
crack! You could see the wind on my
butt crack? Yes.

Please, Alex. Step forth onto the
platform.

Thank you, Nish!

Elegant!

APPLAUSE

How do you like them apples?

What did he say at the end?
He shouted, "How do you like them
apples?"

Which is the battle cry
of the elegant man!

That's what I say every time people
see both my butt cheeks.

How do you like these apples?

Fast? Very fast.

OK, tell me how fast! Right. Sorry!

He took four minutes
and five seconds.

First place in that. First place.
Bam, straight in,

as far as I'm concerned.

And if I wasn't on that boat,
seeing someone's backside,

I would have chosen a
snooker-cue-wielding Sally Phillips,

smashing into second place. OK.

I'm entirely in favour of that.

I'm gonna put Aisling in third
place,

because, you know, she got her pants
out!

Didn't have a shit!

And Bob crashing into fourth place.
Fourth place.

Mark is the contestant here
who looks - I hope this isn't
disrespectful - most like a heron.

He managed to make the heron look
inelegant. It's incredible.

But you got him to shore, so I guess
you can have a point!

I think there could be quite a lot
of "I guess you can have a point."

Alex, can we please see what that's
done to the scores? OK.

After three tasks, the scoreboard
looks like this.

WHISTLES

Ooh, it's tight.

Still doing well, baby!

Sally Phillips maintaining her lead.

OK. On we go. What's next?

It's a typically Taskmaster version
of basketball.

Ooh! Post!

"Get the basketball through the
hoop."

Seems simple. Ah...

I may not touch the basketball
with my hands.

I may not wear gloves or anything
that could reasonably be construed
to be gloves.

It's alright. I'm just having
difficulty with some of the longer
words!

"Fastest wins."
"Your time starts now."

Does that mean I can use something
that isn't gloves?

Like leaves.

APPLAUSE

I'm glad that we have been very
specific in the setting of that
task.

And said that anything that can be
reasonably construed as gloves,
cos we've been burned before!

So if there's close hand to ball
contact going on,

I'm gonna be furious!

Who's up first, Alex? We're gonna
start with two of my favourite
verbs - Bob and Mark!

LAUGHTER

I've got to give it one go kicking
it.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

I'll give it one more go.

I'd better try and find something.

No, that's not working.

That was skilful!

Ha ha!

You knew this was gonna happen!

Oh, that's...

Well done, Bob!

APPLAUSE

Crazy as you like.

APPLAUSE

The fact that Bob went into the shed
and pulled out a ladder.

He's an intelligent man.
Makes sense. Mm-hm.

Presumably that ladder was an option
for Mark Watson? It was still there.

But you went with a commode
on wheels!

It's what they call Nature's ladder!

That brings us to the end of
Part Three.

Join us in a few minutes for the
final part of the show

and the first live task of
the series. See you then.

Hello. Great to have you back here
on Taskmaster soil. Right.
Where were we, Alex?

Well, our five comics are attempting
to score a basket

with a basketball, but without using
their hands.

Do you want to watch two people
with long hair do it?

Do I?!

Here are Aisling and Sally.

That's not gonna...
I need sellotape!

There's gaffer tape in the shed.
Gaffer tape in the shed?

There's lots of things in the shed.
Lots in the shed?

Oh, my God. I'm a bloody genius!
..Oh.

Good, but they're really heavy.

Oh. I know what. I know what!

Next time!

Yeah.

Yes!

OK. This is gonna work.

Yes!

Come on, Ireland!

# Oh-oh-oh oh-oh oh-oh! #

I don't know if you heard, but
Aisling shouted, "Come on, Ireland!"

What better source of national
pride

than a woman using a grass rake,
a ladder... And a crutch.
..and a crutch!

Yeah. To pop a basketball
through a ring. Hmm.

But I'm proud of myself. I feel that
it looked like it took about two
seconds.

There's only nine seconds between
you and Bob. Oh.

Was it higher or lower than Bob?

Aisling took eight seconds
and three minutes.

Three minutes and eight seconds.

Oh! Alex, you old trickster!

You had my heart there. It was
the other way round. Yeah.

Bob, two minutes, 59. So it's Bob,
Mark, Aisling, but then Sally...

Do you know what I think?

She took two minutes
and five seconds.

What?!

Academic!

I'm afraid you're disqualified.
Fair enough. They were foot gloves!

Did she get any points at all? Zero!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Ooh, dear. Ooh.

Once again, we've left Nish Kumar
till last.

Uh-oh! So here he is, last but not
least, in terms of weight,

it's Nish...

..Kumar!

OK. So, plan A,

chip the basketball into the hoop.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Yes! Well done, Nish.

How do you like them apples, Horne?

How do you like 'em?

Kumar out.

Oh, my God.

Well, well, well!

Looks like last in PE,

first in being a legend!

Well, that was a very dignified
double celebration.

We can see it again, if you want,
with all the other attempts.

What?! What, mate? What, mate?

I thought we should see...
That's all the attempts.

It's done. Nish Kumar. I cannot wait
to see the celebration after this!

BOOING

It wasn't what it seemed? This.

OK. So, Plan A.

Chip the basketball into the hoop.

Here we go.

One more try.

Oh, come on!

What?!

Now it's going that way!

Are you enjoying it, Nish?

I'm gonna do this if it kills me
and everyone here!

Where are you going?
I'm gonna get a chair.

LAUGHTER

I don't think this is gonna go in.

There we go. It's just that
I've seen you do it 43 times!

43?! 44's the chart one.

50 for the chart.

Yes!

How do you like them apples!

He got there in the end, though!
Yeah!

I did get there in the end. Do you
know how great it felt? Yeah.

I wish they could do that with all
sports.

Just edit out the first 90 minutes

and then leave like a goal
and we all know who wins.

Uh, Aisling, I think you'll find
it wasn't 90 minutes!

It wasn't far off, though,
I imagine?

It was 28 minutes and 19 seconds...

Whoa, Nish! I want as many stats
as you can throw at him!

He mentioned Groundhog Day
four times, so...

The mention of Groundhog Day
is a Groundhog Day moment. God!

He claimed the ball was racist
twice.

You cannot be playing that card
during this game!

Every time! As I say, I was just
seeing the facts as they were
in front of me.

I am brown. The ball is not going
in. Quid pro quo, racist ball!

52 attempts, four of which were
close.

Just tell us the order they came
in according to their times.

So Sally gets zero. Very sorry,
Sally. That's fine.

I won't disqualify you again,
just cos I like being popular.

Nish with two points. Then it goes
Aisling, Mark,

and Bob gets five points!

Hey, is it about scoreboard time?

Yes, it's scoreboard time.

And there's a three-way tie
for second place.

Bob is now in the lead with 14,
though!

Whoa!

Just one thing left to do, then.

For the first time this series,
please all make your way to the
stage

for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Five delightful people sitting with
a lovely bowl of fruit
and other items.

Sally, would you read the task out,
please.

"Get one item of fruit
into the fish bowl.

"You may not leave or move your
chair.

"You may not throw your fruit.
Fastest wins."

Oh.

Piss and shit!

Everyone ready? Ready, Greg?

Of course I'm ready! Good luck.
Blow your whistle.

Oh, he's sticking it.

Another 50 points here, Bob.

Ooh, watch your face!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's not throwing. What?!

Who got that in? Oh, my word!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

What are you doing? Two can play at
that game, Mortimer!

Aghh! God, I hate this programme!

I wish I'd gone to law school!

Aghh!

What are you thinking, Aisling?
I don't know!

Yes!

Here goes the coconut!

No, wait. No, it doesn't.

OK. Oooh!

Go on, coconut!

OK. What are you doing, Sally?
I don't know!

Sally, are you sure you don't want
to use the... What's that?

It's a pipe connector!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Oh, my God!

See? This is how it was me
with the basketball.

Oh, excellent!

AUDIENCE: Yay!

WHISTLE
We have found our last place.

No! There we go.

Sorry, Aisling. I'm sorry.

Well. That was really lovely!

All come back down here and
we'll see how that's affected
the final scores!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

How are the scores looking
after that madness?

I'll run down the finishing times,
if that's OK,

cos there were some spectacular
times scored. Sally slid it in after
three minutes 40,

Nish nicked Bob's technique and
poked a pear in after one minute
nine seconds.

Bob, 20 seconds with his. Wow!
20 seconds!

Wow. Incredible!

Mark Watson has been adjudicated
by me. He didn't throw it.
He flicked it in.

Yeah. In 12 seconds! How about that?

Wow! Yeah, I did get off the thing,
like a heron would! Yeah, yeah!

He had a heron's throw.
How about Aisling? How did...

I've written DNF, "Did Not Finish".

Did not finish. Aw!

You still get one point, because we
think you would have finished!

So all that means we do have
the first winner of the series.

Oh, thank God! As you can see from
this scoreboard here. Ah!

Bob Mortimer!

Bob is the winner of the first show.

Please, Bob, head to the stage and
grab your noisy bits and pieces!

Thank you!

What have we learned today?

We have learned that if you cuddle
any of these people,

you're probably gonna get hurt!

And we've learned that Mark Watson
looks like a fucking heron!

But most importantly we've learned

that the winner of the first episode
of series five is...

OPERA STYLE: # Bob Mortimer! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thanks to everyone! Good night!

TO THEME SONG: # Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer

# Bob Mortimer. #

Subtitles by Ericsson