Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 8 - Episode #4.8 - full transcript

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Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Mwah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to the Taskmaster,
series 4, grand final!

It has been an incredibly
competitive series, complete with

some of the most brilliant and
disturbing task attempts we've

ever seen, but what a journey our
five comedians have been on.

Roughly an hour in an executive car
from their homes to the studios.

The poor things! Still, they should,
on the whole, be very proud of



themselves. Before too long, one of
them will take home the whole reason

for being here - me, in head form!

Shall we meet our finalists? Yes!

They are Hugh Dennis.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe Lycett.

Lolly Adefope.

Mel Giedroyc! And Noel Fielding.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And for the last time this series,
who's on my left?

It's... HIGH-PITCHED: ..little Alex
Horne. Alex Horne. Alex Horne.

Alex Horne.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How are you, you irritating
little chicken?

Good. Excited about the final. Yeah.

I thought I could try an anecdote
for the first time.

Oh, that'd be nice.



Recently... Yeah. ..I had a close
shave, because I was quite naughty,

'which I know you don't like,
and then I had to have a taste
of my own medicine,

but it was fine because
it was my own medicine.

It was penicillin and I quite like
penicillin. That's my anecdote.

LAUGHTER

So, Alex, let's start
the show properly.

Mm-hm. What's the final prize
category? I'm so sorry.

It's a big one. Big! It's a big one.
It's big. This time we've asked them

to bring in, for the prize,
the most cash, OK?

Yeah. Whoo! Here we go.

So whoever has brought in the
most cash will get in the first five

points of the show. Whoever wins the
episode will bring home the bacon,

as in, all the cash, OK? Yep. Good.
Let's start. Hugh, now,

I'm presuming that you are
ludicrously rich,

so you will have brought
a vast amount of cash.

I have brought with me 2 million...

Vietnamese dong.

Wow. We can Hugh's dong.
There it is.

How lovely to see your dong
blown up on screen.

How much are Hugh's dongs worth?
Well, there's 2 million dong there,

it's worth £72.20. Ah.

Hm. £72.

Thanks, Hugh...for securing
last place.

Who's next? Joe. Yes.
I have brought in 250

English sterling pounds.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Simple as that.
It's not as simple as that.

It is in pennies.

It's a lot of cash.
It's a lot of cash.

Most cash.

It weighs 89kg.

Well done. You know, I mean...
It's a lot of cash.

That's £250. Noel.

What I was thinking was, "Why
don't I invent my own currency?"

So I've invented the note and
I spent a long time painting it.

Oh, wow! That's really good!

I think I've nailed Alex.

I've given Greg too much neck.
Sorry, Greg.

How much is it worth?
Can you put a price on how

happy we are, massaging our egos,
making us feel good about ourselves?

We've both got crushingly low
self-esteem, haven't YOU?

Mel? Now, I'm part of a sort of
poker circle.

With Mary Berry. Yeah.

Judith Chalmers. Chalmers.
Rippon, Angela.

Oh, Rippon. Nasty piece of work.
Always carries a blade.

Exactly! We were having a very
intense poker circle night.

Yeah. I came away with nearly
£1 million of the realm.

Check it out, gang. It's for real.
What?!

Yeah. £1 million? Nearly a million.

Genuine?

Well, yeah. The top layer
is genuine, yeah.

The top layer is genuine.
OK. And the catch? And then

underneath that there
is...Monopoly money.

But it is genuinely £987,000 of
Monopoly money. Exactly.

It's 48 board games' worth.
Thank you. There was also £250.

240 on the top. 240 on top.
240 on top, real money.

OK, that puts... Just below Joe
Lycett's... True. ..coppers.

And if she hadn't spent all the
money on the Monopoly boards...

Well, she spent £815.12
on the Monopoly sets.

Lolly. So, what I've done is
I've brought in a blank cheque

and I'm just going to put 1p more
than whoever is in the lead,

and then, just win. Yep. There's
the cheque. Have a look.

'But are you good for it, Lolly?
What have you got? Oh, yes.
What cash have got?

Well, I'm sitting on £2,000.

What do you mean? In cash. What?!

I just... I just thought,
just have a backup.

You have two grand?
So I've emptied out...

Lolly!

Very strong.

All right, then. Does that help you
make your mind up? Yeah. Good.

Fifth place. Well, this is going to
be a big surprise to you.

Ding-dong!

Mel, I'm really sorry, but you come
in fourth place, because

it's not real money. Noel,
I'm putting you in third place.

It's brilliant, but it's not legal
tender. Joe, second.

It's the second-most cash. This is
the most cash. Lolly is the winner.

OK.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Greg, before the first task,
shall I update you on the series

scoreboard? OK, Alex. So, in fifth
place, Mel Giedroyc.

Lolly's off last place for the first
time in the whole series. Oh, wow!

It goes Mel on 115,
Hugh and Lolly on 117,

Joe on 124 and Noel on 127.

It's close. It's very close. Oh!

OK, Alex, what have we got first?
It's lunchtime.

Hel... Oh! Now, there's exciting.

Ah!

It's a hat. You just don't
understand fashion.

I'm ready for the party.

"Make the most exotic sandwich.

"You have ten minutes to plan your
exotic sandwich.

"Then ten minutes to construct it.
Your time starts now."

Right.

What do you think exotic means?

'That, to me, says maybe fillings
that have never been seen in a
sandwich before.

Erm...

OK.

So, what I would like, please,
is...some Moroccan flatbread.

Turkish delight. That's very exotic.

Get me some wholemeal bread

and maybe some pitta bread as well,
wholemeal, though, I'm not an idiot.

So I need a kumquat.

A Greggs sausage roll.

Kiwi fruit.

Let's go all sweet. Hm.

Heck, everyone is going to go
savoury, aren't they?

Some smoked trout.

Then a Crunchie bar. Then a Kit Kat.
Then a Double Decker.

Oh, a yam. Tequila. Some tequila.

What do they eat in France?

Er, croissants.
OK, I'll go shopping. OK.

Shall I come with you? No, thank
you. Do you need money? No. OK.

Bag for life? See you later.

I want to start with Mel. She looked
very excited and I'm keen to

see her sandwich. OK. She did say
before she started, "I want to blow

"the Taskmaster's tiny mind."
Here we go.

This is so good. Right.

Chocolate spread. Good layer of the
Chocolate Orange. A little breadski.

Double Deckers. A bit more of the
Nutella. Let's go for the Crunchie.

Three minutes. Three minutes?! Wah!

Let's do some M&Ms. Phwoar! Maltese.

I can see why people get stressed
out on these cookery shows.

This is absolutely appallingly
stressful!

Just bronzing up the marshmallows.

WHISTLE

That, to me, is like a sort
of Japanese pagoda.

Can I give you this as well, Mel?
Yes. To say thank you.

Is that for me? Yes. Thank you.

"Eat your exotic sandwich.
Fastest wins."

Final one, please, Mel.

What does the task say, Mel?
"Time starts now." OK. Oh, gang.

Oh, it's gone up my nose.

I've got something up my nose!

Something's gone up my nose!

What is it, mate? M&M.

I can't do any more than that.
Stop the clock? Mm-hm.

Those show biz nights, eh?
Snorting M&Ms.

Only blue ones. Only blue ones.

Is it exotic, that sandwich? It's
sort of. I mean, it's instant

diabetes, isn't it? I suppose so.

'It was Turkish delight, Crunchie,
Kit Kat, Double Decker, Twix,
Snickers, M&Ms, icing sugar,

'marshmallows, chocolate eggs,
Chocolate Oranges, Nutella
and a blowtorch.

I suppose it's sort of... It's sort
of exotic. So you're going to

'judge the most exotic and then...
It's meant to be who can eat their
sandwich the fastest.

I can reveal nobody finished
their sandwich.

Who ate the most of their sandwich?
You ate four good size bites,

essentially one Double Decker and
you inhaled the M&M.

It's got to be a bonus, the nasal
M&M, hasn't it? Always. OK.

I'm pressing pause with one of my
massive thumbs. Come back to us soon

to see celebrities eating things.

Hello! Welcome back to
the final of Taskmaster.

What was going down, Alex?

Well, bits of sandwich were
going down, Greg. They've been

making exotic sandwiches with exotic
ingredients, but we've recently

found out from Mel there was a
dramatic second part to the task.

OK. Here are Hugh, Joe and Lolly,
the savoury sandwich makers.

It's sandwich time.

Halloumi there.

Put this in first. A bit of the
lamb bhuna sauce.

Salmon. I mean, ideally the yam
would've been cooked.

Lovely!

Just banana and kiwi.

You don't need much tequila.

A little bit of that
sausage roll there.

Oh.

That's smoked trout.

And the Arctic roll.

That's it.

Well done. I've got this for you
as well. Thank you so much.

Thank you!

Fucking prick.

No! What does it say, Lolly?

It says, "Eat your exotic sandwich."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

No!

Beautiful. Well...here we go.

It's delicious.

I think I'm done, though. Yeah?
Yeah. Stop the clock.

That's how you eat it.
You've finished, have you?

Sorry, you finish it, then.

'All gone. Do you think
the Taskmaster thinks
you've eaten sandwich?

I'm not sure if he's ever had a
Mother's Delight, so...

If he wants to argue that that's
not finished,

then, that's up to him, isn't it?

Joe, your sandwich that, amongst
other ingredients, had an Arctic

roll and some trout.

Why was that
called a Mother's Delight?

Because Alex asked me what it was
called and I, in a panic, said

Mother's Delight.

How were the corners of your
Mother's Delight? Fucking horrible.

Lolly, mainly prawns and
frankfurters. Mm. Mainly.

I actually quite liked mine. Yeah,
you ate for six minutes.

And then Hugh. Hugh, interesting.
Well, I have divided it into two

different sides of a sandwich. So
the first half of the sandwich was,

I believe, sashimi, halloumi,
wasabi peas...

'Parma ham and Moroccan flatbread.
It was delicious. It just
sounds like something I'd buy at

Marks & Spencer.

What fucking Marks & Spencer
do you go to?

You can't get anything like that in
Marks & Spencer. I'm not used to

someone raising their voice
at me like that.

My instinct is to jump on him
like a puma.

In Hugh's favour, he did eat pretty
much... I mean, he tucked some away,

threw some away, but he ate more
than anyone else. Of course he did,

because it was just
a normal sandwich.

One person left. This is Noel
Fielding's exotic sandwich.

Well, I thought about
an exotic sandwich,

and then I thought about how I could
put a spin on that, so I thought

maybe an exotic dance sandwich.

So I will have two attach some
bread to you

and get you to do a tiny exotic
dance.

Is that going to work? Let go.

Oh, sort of.

'It's more like a bread collage,
really. You look exotic,
I would say.

I'm just
going to get into position.

Look through my bready peephole.
Get ready to get turned on.

Cue music.

STRIPPER MUSIC

Why are you laughing?

Woo!

NOEL WOLF WHISTLES

NOEL LAUGHS

NOEL WOLF WHISTLES

NOEL LAUGHS

Yeah? Beautiful thing.

Thank you so much. This is for you.
This is amazing.

HE LAUGHS

"Eat your exotic sandwich."

It's not that kind of show.

How are we going to do this? I don't
know, but your time starts now. OK.

Just a nibble off the side.

I don't have to eat the whole thing,
do I?

Another bit from the other side.

You've had a lot of the bread and
not much of the filling.

How am I going to do this? I don't
know. It was your idea.

AUDIENCE REACT

Beard sandwich.

Stop the clock. That's OK. Your
beard is unbelievable. It tastes

'like passion fruit. Not ginger?
Lavender and Pot Noodle
mixed together.

Those are all good. Nice. Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, that was exotic, wasn't it?

I think I've literally never been
further out of my comfort zone.

The idea that he was meant to do an
erotic dance.

I say erotic, I once walked... I
accidentally walked in on

my nan in the bath once and
that's the least erotic thing I've

ever seen.

He ate your horrible beard.

I'm giving Noel a bonus point
for eating hair. I mean, you are

'aware that when we're at home,
Alex is only allowed to
move around like a snake.

That beard is full
of mouse droppings.

OK, here we go. Least exotic.
Least exotic.

# He popped to M&S and he bought
himself a sandwich

# Hugh Dennis. #

Mel, I loved your sandwich,
but it's only exotic if

you're five years of age.

Lolly, absolutely horrific.
Third place.

Second place, Joe. Combining trout
and ice cream, very brave, but not

as exotic as Mr Noel Fielding, who
takes the exotic...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There are extra points to be had for
the amount consumed. Yeah, and it is

exactly inversely proportional. And
I guess this isn't surprising.

You've given them five, four, three,
two, one points. I've given them

'one, two, three, four, five points.
And they each get six points, so
there was no point doing any of it.

APPLAUSE

Greg, what about my extra point for
the beard? You got an extra point

for the beard. OK. Noel gets seven.
I thought I got an extra one for

'the... Oh, did Mel get one for...?
Yeah, you said you were going to
give me an

'extra one for snorting.
So, just to confirm, it's
six points, six points, six points,

'six points, seven points,
seven points, which means
the scoreboard looks like this.

Lolly's in the lead, Noel and Joe
are both in second place.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's the end of that part,
see you deep inside the next one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

IT QUACKS

It's part three of the final, and we
are playing for big money, or in

Hugh's case, big dong!

What's next, Alex? It's the world's
greatest sporting dilemma.

See you later, boys.

LAUGHTER

All right, Hugh?

I didn't wear my football boots.

Should I go and get them?

I think you'll be all right
for this one.

That's a relief,
I left them in Birmingham.

Oh.

Don't want too many gloves. No.

Now, what is that?

It's a type of cheese.

That's a duck, that's a coconut

and a ping-pong ball,
I'm going to guess.

"Strike one of these objects..."

"..furthest distance with
one of the other objects."

"You have three strikes with
your chosen object."

So if I select one of these
and one of those, yeah?

And you get three...
And I get three chances.

APPLAUSE

So I imagine this is all about club
selection, right?

That's right, we're at
the home of golf,

Chesham United Football Club, and...

LAUGHTER

..they had three attempts,
but they had to use the same objects

on every attempt. OK.

So do want to start off with the
two most natural sportspeople?

Most natural sportsmen, Joe and Mel.
Joe and Mel, OK.

LAUGHTER

I'm thinking it would be foolish
to use the flotation device.

We do aquaerobics with these.

Piece of shit, isn't it?

That, I sense, could be a really
good whack with the duck, maybe.

The coconut has the most weight to
it.

The problem is, the impact
on the coconut could destroy it.

I'm going to go for
snooker cue and duck.

Or the cheese. Or the cheese.

It's not as nice as you remember,
is it?

LAUGHTER

Can I put it on the tee?

Why not?

Attempt one.

LAUGHTER

So, my fears have become very real.

Two.

That was just a test of that one.

I think that counts
as your second go, Joe.

This is your last attempt. Yeah?

Very, very straight.

Oh, oh! Do you see that
little bit there?

I've got my eye on it.

Eight metres and 12 centimetres.

It's not outrageous, is it?

18 metres 45.

Lovely.

Good game of golf, that,
with the lads.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Really wonderful performances.

Interesting, you're almost
scientific in your prediction

of how the coconut would behave
when hit with a snooker cue,

and yet you continued.

LAUGHTER

I mean, they were both pretty good.
8.12 metres from Mel, quite far.

Except when you consider

that the world's longest hot dog
is 204 metres.

LAUGHTER

204 metres?

That has certainly put things
in perspective.

Up next, Lolly Adefope.

Are we going snooker cue?

I'm not sure yet.

I'm going to go with the pencil.

And the coconut.

Pencil coconut.

LAUGHTER

Do you want me to measure that?

I think that was backwards,
that one.

Yes, it didn't go forward.

That one didn't go forward as well.

No. No, it didn't.

This is your last attempt, Lolly.
Oh, my gosh.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

No!

You didn't hit it.

I mean, you dropped it
25 centimetres.

I'm really sorry, guys.

SAD PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE: Awww!

APPLAUSE

I have nightmares about that.

LAUGHTER

It's nice, you know, for people...
Cos people sit at home and watch

telly, and sometimes think
the people they see on the telly

are untouchable, you know.

LAUGHTER

It's nice. How nice for you,
not only to be a peer,

to be just one of them,

but worse. Worse than them.

LAUGHTER

She didn't even clip it, did she?

She was the only one not to use
the snooker cue.

She sort of dropped it and it
rolled 20 centimetres,

which is the shorter than the
standard British sausage.

LAUGHTER

So I have revealed Hugh and Noel
both used the snooker cue.

They also hit the same object.

Let's see who hit it further.

That's a very, very, very
long thing, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

That's definitely a strike.

I don't think there's much chance
of me hitting the cheese again.

Dead straight, as well.

Dead straight. Now we're talking.

APPLAUSE

Where did that go?

Might just leave it there.

APPLAUSE

I mean, that's, I would say,

the best thing you've ever done in
your life.

LAUGHTER

Hopefully not.

APPLAUSE

Weird, isn't it? Before this show,
I'd sort of thought of you as this

sort of weirdy art nymph.

But the more I see you,
you're just a lad.

You're just like, "Wahey!"

I think that's a wig.

All those clothes are
just for telly.

At the weekend, you're out...

They call you Tony Three Pies and
you're like, "Wahey!

"Come on, boys!"

How far did he hit it?

He hit it 29 metres...
Well, 123 sausages. Incredible.

APPLAUSE

29.60 metres.

With a short cue!
And Hugh was amazing, as well.

Hugh was very poised.

It was 24 metres,
it was 100 sausages.

LAUGHTER

You're both incredible at whacking
cheese with a snooker cue.

So, the points, Lolly gets one, Mel
gets two, Joe, three, Hugh, four,

but Noel Fielding gets five points
for that round!

APPLAUSE

Is there another task lined up,
Alex Horne?

There is, and you will be surprised
with this one, hopefully.

Ooh.

Hello, Lolly. Hello, Alex.

Do you like a bath? I... Oh.

Always a bath, never a shower.

Who's this guy?

Same outfit.

All right, shall we just go for it?

"Do something surprising
with this rubber duck."

"Most surprising wins."

You have ten minutes to plan
your surprising thing.

Then ten minutes to do it.

I've got to think, what hasn't ever
been done with a rubber duck before?

Your time starts now.

APPLAUSE

I'm a bath guy as well.

I like a bath. Never a shower. Yeah!

Alex has never had a shower
or a bath.

I make him clean himself
like a massive cat.

LAUGHTER

Who are we going to see first?
I think probably Joe.

Joe is the only one who spent nearly
all the ten minutes in the bath.

LAUGHTER

It's not a video we're going to see,
is it?

You've brought your duck with you.
Surprise.

LAUGHTER

I'm already surprised.

That's upped the game somewhat.

Have a little look at that.

There's some writing on the bottom
of this duck.

You read it out, I'll put it on
the board.

Dear Greg, I've bought you
a holiday. Love Joe.

LAUGHTER

Here is the holiday.

APPLAUSE

What's the holiday, Greg?

An overnight stay in a timber yurt.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Not any old timber yurt.

It's set over 1,000 feet
above sea level.

Fucking hell... Your favourite...

I mean, it's actually quite good.

LAUGHTER

Most people would just think that
was a novelty and not go.

I'm going to the fucking yurt. OK.

Next surprise? Yes, please.

OK. We're going to see
Lolly Adefope's duck surprise.

LAUGHTER

So beautiful.

So emotional.

APPLAUSE

Aww, how sweet.

It was certainly a surprise
for the fucking duck.

LAUGHTER

I thought it was really sweet.

Make a duck fly. You're like a
latter-day Keith Harris.

LAUGHTER

Who's next?

Two down, it's time to see Hugh
Dennis's surprise,

so prepare yourself.

OK, so, this is for you. This...

What noise do ducks make?

Quack, quack, quack.

This is a surprising duck,
you have to...

You have to turn it over.

IT MOOS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That's quite good.

It's really lovely, Hugh.

Can you imagine the look
in his eye

as he was cutting up the cow?

I cannot imagine the look in a
55-year-old man's eyes

when he made this mooing duck.

LAUGHTER

Right, stop everything.

That is my last link into a break
this series.

Let's take a moment to soak it up.

OK, good, see you soon.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back, for
the final time

in this mucky rollercoaster
ride of a series.

Who will win this episode?

Who will become the series champion?
Alex?

So, they've been trying to
surprise you with a duck.

Up next, Mel Giedroyc.

I'm thinking I might surprise
somebody from the outside world.

Hiya.

Some food's arrived.

Can I ask you, would you
mind helping me with something?

Now, Alex. Yes, Mel? Good news.

You said you wanted something
surprising with the rubber duck.

Morello! Come on, Morello.

LAUGHTER

Park up just there, my love.

Amazing, thank you. Now, Morello.

Have a look in your courier box.

LAUGHTER

How do you feel about that?

I didn't expect it...
A bit surprised?

Surprised... I didn't expect it, no.

On a scale of surprise,
nought to ten,

how surprised are you feeling at
the moment?

A lot of surprise. I don't know
how...how it appeared in here.

I need a number, Morello. Out of
ten, how surprised? Um...

10. Whoa. Maximum.

Morello, you've been amazing,
thanks so much.

Oh, you're a ledge.
Thanks, Morello. Bye.

Bye. Bye.

APPLAUSE

I mean, there's a lot to unpick,
there.

I mean, this may be pertinent.

Who the fuck was Morello?

LAUGHTER

Where did he come from?

I met him outside. Super chap.

Seemed like a nice chap.
Very amenable.

I'm going to say, he seemed baffled.

What was your technique
to get the duck into the...?

I made him look away and
then I slipped it into his box.

LAUGHTER

You fried Morello's brain.

And he was so shocked,

his facial expression
didn't change at all.

LAUGHTER

It was like he'd been frozen
in carbon.

There we go, there's just one left
now. One surprising duck.

So strange, Mel.

LAUGHTER

We are going to see how
Noel Fielding

has attempted to surprise
you with a duck. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Gathered here today to witness
the marriage of Noel

to Ducky.

Do you, Noel Gregory Fielding,

take Ducky to be your lawful
wedded husband?

I do, Tim.

Pop the ring on.

Noel, I now pronounce you
wife and Ducky.

You may kiss the duck.

Bop. Bop.

APPLAUSE

I married a duck.

I love your dress.

Can I just say that we did
get a marriage licence,

so I am fucking married to a duck.

LAUGHTER

We did get... That's true.

We got him a marriage licence
to marry people in Hawaii. Oh.

So it's still... You've got to
consummate the marriage in Hawaii

before it counts. Oh.

But, yeah... I don't think that's
on the certificate.

I don't... Marriage as long as
they...

As long as he takes the duck
to Hawaii and fucks it.

LAUGHTER

Shall I make a swift judgment? OK.

OK, I'm sorry, Lolly, I'm going
to put you in last place,

purely cos I'm not surprised you did
something so positive and upbeat.

Because, you know, there's
still hope in your life.

LAUGHTER

Hugh Dennis next, fourth place.

Joe in third because my instinct
is, he is a generous person,

so the fact that he would buy me
a lovely yurt

holiday doesn't surprise me
that much. OK.

It doesn't surprise me at all

that Noel would attempt to marry
a duck.

The fact that he has actually
married a duck does surprise me.

Second place.

But there is nothing more
surprising I've seen in the series

than that poor, baffled man's face.

LAUGHTER

So Mel must take the top honours
in this, on this engagement.

APPLAUSE

So sweet.

So, do you want to see the
scoreboard? Yes, please.

OK, Noel is in the lead with 19
points at the moment.

HE WHISTLES

APPLAUSE

But the end is in sight.

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the series.

APPLAUSE

Very artistic. OK, Lolly, would
you read out the task, please?

Hello, Lolly. Hello, Alex.

"Draw the median duck.
The median duck alone wins.

"You have 100 seconds.

"There will also be a bonus point
for best duck picture."

Did you say "medium"?

Median. Median, average.

Your aim is to draw
the third-biggest duck.

Cos that's the median duck.

But I don't know what fucking size
everyone else is going to draw!

LAUGHTER

That's sort of the point
of the game. OK.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

OK, thanks.

100 seconds starting...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's lovely. That is lovely.
Very nice.

Oh, lovely shading, lovely hatching.

That's a lovely duck.

She's an artist. She's an artist.

Five, four,

three, two,

one.

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

OK, ladies and gentlemen,
which duck would you like to see?

AUDIENCE: Duck one!

Is that me? Yes.

Remember, ducks aren't really
yellow.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And they don't always
look like ducks.

Which duck would
you like to see?

AUDIENCE: Duck two!

Duck two.

You asked to see the median duck.

So I did

the median duck.

Audience: Oh!

That says, and I have drawn
the median duck.

Or have you written it?

LAUGHTER

I have drawn it.

Please!

I have thought about the task!

And I have written...

Drawn!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Which duck you want to see now?
AUDIENCE: Duck three!

That's you, Lolly.
Show us your duck.

I've drawn a small duck.
And I've also written,

"This is been a wonderful experience

"and I will remember it until the
day I die, Lolly Adefope."

Audience: Aww!

APPLAUSE

We should almost let you off
having not drawn a duck.

It's a duck!

'You've drawn a multicoloured kidney.

LAUGHTER

There was no yellow.

There was no yellow.

OK, which duck would you like
to see? AUDIENCE: Duck four!

That's you, Mel. Here we go.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!
APPLAUSE

Oh, nice duck. Lovely duck.

Little thing,
just want to point out.

Considering the company we are in,

I put "co-median duck".

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

That went down well. No, no, they
asked for the median duck.

I might just quickly measure Hugh
and Mel's duck, if that's all right.

Just to make sure this works.

So, a 21-inch duck.

Compared to a, from bill to tail,
a 13-inch duck.

We're looking for something
between 13 inches and six inches.

Which duck would you like to see?

AUDIENCE: Duck five!

Oh, it's a lovely duck.

It is lovely.

It's a guffing duck.

LAUGHTER

If it's bigger than 13,
then Mel has won the task.

It's 13.5 inches,

which means Mel has drawn...
That is the median duck!

APPLAUSE

Yes!

Yes!

Do you want to give the bonus point
for best duck?

Noel gets the bonus point.

APPLAUSE

Will you please join us to find out

what that has done to
the final scores?

APPLAUSE

So, Mel's duck was
extremely average,

which won her the task.

But does it mean she has
won the episode?

It might do. I've totted up
the scores.

And the scoreboard looks like this.

GREG GASPS

She snuck into the front!

APPLAUSE

Mel is the winner of tonight's show.

Please go and claim your cash!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's hear it one more time for Mel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right. Here we go. It's crunch time.

After eight episodes, 45 tasks and,
let's not forget,

those 48 links in and out
of commercial breaks...

LAUGHTER

..it's final time to palm this
ludicrous trophy off

on the overall winner.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

But who will be joining the ranks

of such esteemed Taskmaster royalty
as past champions

Josh Widdicombe,
Katherine Ryan, Rob Beckett?

Alex? Mm-hm? It's over to you...

DRAMATICALLY:
..to reveal the ultimate scores!

Thanks, Greg. So, I've...

LAUGHTER

..done some maths. And we can
reveal, with 144 points,

the winner of the series is

Mr Noel Fielding!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done!

Congratulations.

Well done, everybody.

Thank you to all of our contestants,

but especially to our phenomenal
victor, Mr Noel Fielding.

Thank you for watching, everyone,
see you next time. Good night!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Ericsson