Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - A Fat Bald White Man - full transcript

Five, fresh competitors go head-to-head as the gloriously bonkers show returns for an expanded fourth series. They paint a model they can't see, fell a load of rubber ducks and beautifully destroy a cake.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Ooh!

HE LAUGHS

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, I'm Greg Davies, welcome to a
brand-new series of Taskmaster.

Across the next eight episodes,
five comedians/presenter/actors

will take on a raft of absurd tasks,

desperate to win this near-exact
replica of my saggy old head

and declare
themselves the series champion.

But who are these people?
Well, without further ado, let's
meet our shiny new competitors.

They are...

Hugh Dennis!



CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe Lycett.

Lolly Adefope.

Mel Giedroyc.

And Noel Fielding.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES

And for the fourth series in a row,

I'm assisted and sat next to
little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What have you been up to, Alex,
since we last met?

Well, obviously, the new health
regime.

Hence the legs. Lovely legs now.
Lovely legs.

Doing my sport with my
dad's friends. Yep. Weirdly.

Been hanging out with your dad's
friends again? Yes, I have.



I was meant to say, friends who are
also dads, like me

but I've said my dad's friends
so I'll stick with that.

LAUGHTER

And we've been doing a lot of...

The main sport we're doing
is pole vaults,
so with all clubbed together and,

it's not only the poles,
you have to do rent a stretched limo
to transport the poles.

And now we can leap into structures
higher than we could before.

Right. In we go. Which is something
that you've been aspiring to for a
long time. Thank you.

I guess we should start with the
prize task, right?

Yes, because not only
are they playing
for the overall series trophy,

but each episode we dangle a prize
carrot for them to chase and win and

eat at the end of each show.

And today, we've asked them to bring
in...

the most interesting autograph on
the most interesting vegetable.

And so the series is off to an
electrifying start.

Electrifying!

OK, let's go left to right.

Hugh Dennis.

Yeah? Please tell us what your
vegetable is and who signed it.

I've been fascinated for years and
years and years

by the
American Civil Rights Movement.

Wow. And I kind of wanted to get
hold of the signature

of Martin Luther King

but I couldn't get that, so I had to
go for my second option,

which was to get the autograph

of the great American black
civil rights leader, Malcolm X...

Yeah. ..on a carrot.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I was about to say, the only way
that that could be less impressive

is if you couldn't draw an X.

Quelle surprise, you can't.

I didn't draw it, Malcolm...
Malcolm... Malcolm.

Joe, which vegetable did you bring
in and who signed it?

I brought in a yellow courgette.

I got a very interesting person's
autograph on it.

I got yours.

I got the task and I thought you
can't possibly think that your own

signature's anything but the best,
so I asked Sara Pascoe to find you,

because I knew she'd see you at the
Broadcast Awards that evening.

And she took you a yellow courgette
which you signed.

We can see it here. She did.

Can't really sign your own name,
can you?

Your colleague lied to me
and told me

that I was signing that for charity.

THEY GASP

Uh-oh!

Oh, Lycett.

Interestingly, I didn't question
that.

I didn't tell her to do that.

No. She said it was a vegetable
raffle.

Would you like me to make a donation
to charity on your behalf?

I do, but that's not going to help
you here.

Pascoe's really let you down.

I'm not going to bother then.

Fuck charity!

LAUGHTER

Lolly, veg, signatures?

So I got a signed CD by the
Black Eyed Peas...

..on some black-eyed peas.

Oh, lovely. Picture of it here.

Very nice. Thank you.

All four of the Black Eyed Peas.

All four of them.
Is a pea technically a vegetable?

Yeah. Is it? It's not been?

No. It is actually a vegetable?

Yeah, I'm making a judgment on that
right now. Thank you.

The most threatening way that
question's ever been asked.

It's not a legume, is it?

I think it's great, I think it's
layers and I like that.

Thank you.

I had to lie about it.

That is someone taking
this competition seriously

and making and effort,
not just sticking an X on a carrot.

Clear leader. Clear leader.

Mel, vegetable, signatures?

I got...

Howard on a horseradish,
Gary on a butternut squash,

Mark on a heritage squash
and Robbie on a sweet potato.

No! Couldn't get Jason because he's
gone Awol with a rucksack.

That's fine, he's a fruit.

LAUGHTER

These are signatures from... TT.
..Take That.

As I live and breathe.
Absolutely incredible. TT.

APPLAUSE

I think we've got a new leader with
that? Yeah, very much a new leader.

This is going to have to be pretty
special from you, now, to top this.

Well, I think it's quite special.
It's quite unusual.

It's a broad bean.

Lovely. And...

..it's David Suchet,
Poirot for you lot.

Wow.

Wow!

APPLAUSE

I mean, I'll be honest with you,
that's a home run for me.

Suchet on a broad beam.

That's what this competition
is about.

What are you going to do,
you going to score it?

From top to bottom?
I mean, it's really tough.

Obviously we know who's bottom,
don't we, Hugh?

LAUGHTER

And because of the charity
suffering,

unfortunately I have to put Joe in
second to last place.

I've not stolen from a charity.

Your friend misled charity and as
a result, some people have perished.

LAUGHTER

I'm going to put Lolly in third
place, three points.

Because the music of the Black Eyed
Peas sickens me.

And I'm finding it so hard because
that is so powerful.

But sometimes the simplicity -
Suchet on a broad bean, bang.

That's it.
That's how I'm scoring it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done.

Time to shift things up a gear.

What's the next task? OK, off we go,

it's time for Destruction and
Desserts.

Hello.

Big dog in the house!

Oh, this is good territory.

It's got a lovely rise on it,
actually.

Oh.

"Destroy this cake."

It's a shame, though. "The most
beautiful destruction wins.

"You have 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

What could I do to it?

Hmm. Well, I just need...

I just need...lots of knives.

APPLAUSE

Creepy.

Creepy mentioning knives and then...
HE CACKLES

Why?

Do you want to start with the man
and the knives?
Yeah, creepy knives cake man.

Here is Hugh and the knives.

LAUGHTER

Beautiful.

This bit's a bit tricky.

Oh, no!

Beauty is very much in the eye of
the beholder, isn't it?

APPLAUSE

Really sinister. Really sinister.

The relish with
which you sliced that cake up,

like it was a body.

You claimed at the time, Hugh,

you turned it into a clock
and then you said,

"This is my show stopper"
and you walked out.

I can't even
remember doing that task.

I have no memory of that at all!

Which is exactly what
a serial killer would say.

It's funny though, when I think
beauty,

when someone says the word beauty to
me, the first thing you think...

Clocks. Straight away.

Lolly, do you want to look at Lolly?

Yes. OK. The youngest ever
competitor in Taskmaster.

Thank you, I'm only 12.

LAUGHTER

That's lovely.

Smells lovely.
It really does, doesn't it?

AUDIENCE: Aw.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

What we've just seen is a powerful,
powerful metaphor for the age
difference.

An emoticon, if you will.

It's what the kids do these days,
mate.

They take a silly old cake and turn
it into something beautiful.

Send it out on their phones for the
world to see.

Really lovely. Thank you.

Really, I've got nothing negative to
say about it. Really sweet.

Joe, let's see what Joe did.

OK, Joe Lycett? Yeah.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Woo!

APPLAUSE

Oh, that is beautiful.

LAUGHTER

Such a shame, that last moment.

I know. It was a thing of true
beauty,

it was like someone choreographing a
ballet,

and then coming out onto the stage
afterwards and having a shit.

LAUGHTER

I mean, that was truly spectacular,
Joe.

Truly. So we've still got
Noel and Mel's
beautiful cake destruction to go.

See you after the break.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back. To Taskmaster,
where four comedians,

and ex-Bake Off presenter Mel...

LAUGHTER

..are destroying cakes.

Alex, who's next? It's Noel time.

It's time for Noel. Let's see how
Noel beautifully destroyed his cake.

LAUGHTER

Wow.

NOEL LAUGHS

Lovely.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, I mean, beautiful.

It didn't destroy the washing
machine.

Didn't it? But for three days after,

some cake kept coming up into the
kitchen sink.

Like, for some reason,
they are connected.

Did it?

But it also means my washing,
because I wash, when you let me,

I wash some of my clothes
in that machine.

You do. And so some of my dirty will
come up into your cups.

Some of your...?

LAUGHTER

Some of your "dirty"?

Yeah, I forgot a noun.

But, yeah, some of my dirty.

I don't think I want your dirty
on my cups.

I didn't think you wanted,
I didn't design it like that,

I'm just saying that's how it is.

OK. I'm sorry about that.

We'll talk about your dirty later.

What cycle did you put it on?

Just a regular one. Yeah, 40.

I wasn't trying to clean the cake.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's crack on and see, Mel,

someone whose life has been
dominated by cake for so long.

Don't say the C word.

LAUGHTER

"The most beautiful destruction
wins.

"You have 30 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

That is drawing a line under your
Bake Off career.

You want me to destroy a cake?

Fuck you, cake.

Such a shame about the little trip
on the way out.

She had half an hour, she used eight
seconds of that.

So you've got to judge them now.
Yeah, OK, here I go.

I mean, Hugh's in last place.

LAUGHTER

I liked Lolly's,
but I am going to put it in fourth.

What?!

I think I'm just angry with you
because you've got so much of your
life ahead of you, Lolly.

And that's going to happen
sometimes.

That's going to happen for every
task. Yeah. There you go.

Hashtag tough shit.

I'm putting Mel in third place
because,

whilst it was a fairly knee-jerk
reaction,

there was some beauty to the rage
behind it.

Noel, I could have sat and
watched that cake being destroyed in
a washing machine for hours,

I've put him in second place.
Fair enough.

How can I not put,
despite his wanton ambition,

the beautiful firework display in
first place? OK.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, shall we see how the scoreboard
looks now, Alex?

OK, I've done it. The scoreboard
looks just like this.

Noel Fielding's in the lead.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Another task, please, Alex.

OK, and this one is set in
the caravan on your driveway that
you sometimes let me live in.

It's a sort of mystery art task.

Lovely. Oh, gosh! Yes.

I do believe I can hear the postman.

Oh, I've got some mail.

"Create the best caricature
of the person on the
other side of the curtain."

Other side of the curtain.

Oh, this curtain.

"You may not...

"You may not look at the person.

"The person may only say yes and no.

"You'll get a bonus point if you can
find out the person's full name.

"You have ten minutes, your time
starts now."

Hello, are you behind the curtain?

WOMAN: Yes.

It's a good job
there is not a limit on the amount
of questions you can ask.

That would be a wasted
question, right there, wouldn't it?

Who's first? Well, interestingly,
I've grouped Joe, Lolly,

Mel and Noel together.

You've isolated Hugh?

I have isolated Hugh. Interesting.

Yeah. Why would that be?

Shall we see them? Yes.

Hello. Oh, wait, that's not a yes or
no question, is it?

Hello.

Are you a man? No.

You're a lady? You're a lady?

Yes. Are you a happy person?

Yes. Are you happy?

Yes. I mean in your life in general?

Have you got big eyes?

Yes. Do you have brown eyes?

Yes. Are you a bit like a Disney
character - very, very big eyes?

No. Have you got brown hair?

No. Blonde hair?

No. Red hair?

No. White hair?

No. Do you have hair?

Yes. Crimped?

Do you have crimped hair?

No. Do you have a bob?

No. Curly?

Wavy? Spiky?

Plaited? No.

Do you have dreadlocks?

Yes. Yay!

Do you wear a scarf around your
head?

Yes.

SHE GASPS

You sound very nice, are you single?

No. Are you very pretty?

Yes. Do you have a necklace on?

Yes. Is it a big necklace?

No. Does it have a sort of amulet on
it?

Yes. Do you think it's a waste of my
time asking you more questions about

the necklace? Yes. OK.

Have you got a...
WHISTLE BLOWS

MEL GROANS

NOEL LAUGHS

Absolutely lovely to meet you, can I
shake hands through the curtain?

Oh, bye!

I could have felt you.

LAUGHTER

Goodbye my friend. Goodbye.

I see you're taking your protest

about pay on this show to another
level by stealing things?

I gave all of those things
to charity.

Once I'd signed them.

Let's have a look at some pictures.
OK, here are all four.

LAUGHTER

So I should say Noel decided not to
use the canvas,

he used the chopping board.

Any reason for that,
just felt right?

Something was telling me to go with
a sort of natural base

rather than paper,
which is quite white and shocking.

I thought, let's have something a
little bit more easy on the eye.

What do you think about Mel's one?

I think it's absolutely insane.

LAUGHTER

I mean even as a caricature,
that would mortify anyone.

I got the ears really in the wrong
place.

Oh, is that what they are?

LAUGHTER

I presumed they were horrific
wounds.

Let's find out how the tragically
isolated Hugh did after the break,

plus whether any of the five managed
to find out

the mystery model's name.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

the show where five famous people

are fighting over a withered
courgette

that I once scribbled on.

Alex, caravan-based caricature...

Yes, that's right.
So far we've seen Joe, Lolly,

Mel and Noel painting a woman
they couldn't see.

We don't know yet how accurate
they've been,

nor have we seen how Hugh approached
the task.

Task. Task.

Are you ready?

Yes. Let's see Hugh!

So I may not look at the person.

Am I allowed out of the caravan?

Why do you want to
go out of the caravan, Hugh?

I'm going to lift the curtain to
expose you, I'm not looking at you,

I'm looking at you in a mirror.

Here goes the curtain.

Three minutes. OK.

I'm going to lift it again

because I cannot really remember
what's going on.

You've got two minutes left,
Hugh.

OK. Right, I'll do that.

It's not really a caricature, is it?

A quick look at the old arm.

Coming in again.

Ten seconds. I think I'm just
going to stop there.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yes, if you would. Thank you, Hugh.

Can I just have a look in your
mirror?

I think I'm looking at you. No, no,
no, you're not looking at me,

you're looking at the image of me.

It looks like you.
No, but it's the IMAGE of me.

It's like looking at a film,
it's exactly the same principle.

I'm looking at you. You're not.
I'm not looking at me.

Now you're looking at me,
now you're looking in the mirror,

now you're looking at me,
now you're looking in the mirror.

Where are you looking now?

I'm back at school.

You can't touch me, can you,
by doing that.

I know I've touched a mirror.
You touched a mirror.

I see what you mean.
So that's not me.

Yes, it is. No, that's not me,
that's an image of me.

I don't know, I genuinely don't know
how I feel about it.

When we get muddled, we listen
to Michael Jackson and he was
looking at the man in the mirror,

he wasn't looking at Michael Jackson
in the mirror

so I think it's probably all right.

It would've been a rubbish song,
"I'm looking at me in the mirror".

I'm asking me to change his ways.

Of course, he didn't change his
ways, did he?

I tell you what, I'm still not sure
whether to allow it.

If Hugh's drawing of the model
is spectacular

then I think we can allow it.

OK, do you want to see what she
looks like first? Probably, yeah.

OK, this is her.

OK. And do you want to see her next
to Hugh's picture of her?

LAUGHTER

I can't imagine that that lady would
look any less distinctly like that

lady in a mirror.

Yeah, Hugh looked at the image of
her in the mirror several times,
and he drew this.

LAUGHTER

I really like...

She was sitting side on.

Yeah. Oh, you got the aspect right.

But for you, what we've learned,
Hugh, is,

that a mirror image turns a black
woman into a fat, bald, white man.

LAUGHTER

I mean, in many ways
it is the Michael Jackson story.

It's really good.

I mean, in many ways it's the best
thing I've ever seen on this show.

Well, do you want to see all five
and then you can judge them?

I don't need to judge
who's fucking last.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's so unfair.

OK, well, here are all five for you,
Greg. Here we go.

Terrible.

They're all terrible.

In first place?
Well, in first place

I'm going to put Noel
because it's a decent drawing.

APPLAUSE
Well done, Noel.

I'm going to put Joe in second place
because it looks vaguely human.

Then I'd put
Lolly's withered baby...in third.

Mel's...flat-faced abomination.

And, you know, where else can I put
Hugh's fat, bald, white man...

..but it in last place?

APPLAUSE

Alex, we don't know the model's name
yet and they got a bonus point

for guessing the name correctly.

This is how they got on.

Does your name start with a vowel?

No. Does it begin with the letter in
the first half of the alphabet.

Yes. But you may begin with B?

No. OK, I'm going to go through the
letters of the alphabet.

D? No.

E? No. F?

No. G? No.

H? No. I?

No. J? Yes.

J. Jemima?

No. Jemma? No.

Joanna? No. Jazz, Jasmine?

No. Julie?

No. Julia?

No. I've run out of names!

Not Jemima? No.

Jennifer? Yes.

Jennifer Coolidge? No.

Does your surname begin with A?

No. Geraldine?

No. That's a G.

U? No. V?

No. W? Yes.

JW.

Jonty Williams?

No. Do you start with L?

No. M? No.

N? No. P?

No.
WHISTLE BLOWS

Jasmine? No.

What was her name?

Helen Robertson.

Can you write down your full name?

Yes. Thank you.

APPLAUSE
Right, here we are.

Jennifer Christine Wright.
Thank you.

Lateral.
At last, something has paid off!

Wow. Jennifer Christine Wright.

Mel also got that just from guessing
eventually.

Did I? Although your first two J
guesses were Jocasta and Jonty.

Whereas Lolly... Yeah.

Lolly, you got Jennifer and then
straight in...

Coolidge. Jennifer Coolidge - bang.

Who is Stifler's mum in
American Pie, right?

LAUGHTER

It's a Jennifer.

It's going to be Stifler's mum
from American Pie.

Oh, Jennifer. They're going to go
Route one here.

Noel found out it was a beautiful
name and left it there.

No bonus points.

Did I get Wright? Yes.

Is her name Jennifer Wright?

And I got that right?

Yes. Lovely bonus point.

Lovely. To go with the other
delicious points you've got.

Who else got bonus points then?
Just Hugh.

That brings me up to five in total.

Yes, it brings him up to four in
total.

You can see the scoreboard there.

Did I not? No, just four.

There is one more task to go.
Good. Can we have that task, please?

Yes, it's a case of felling ducks.

Ooh!

Hello.

Hello, Mel.

Very nice.
It's my Taskmaster salute.

Hello. Hello, Lolly.

"Fell all the rubber ducks."

Oh, my God.
NOEL LAUGHS

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts when the first
rubber duck falls."

So I'm fine for time now because
nothing started?

Right, OK.
Is this because of my outfit,

is this why this has happened? Yeah.

They probably think that I'm
their leader.

Hi, guys.

APPLAUSE

Yes, because when the ducks' leader
does emerge,

it will be man with the skeleton on
a nuclear suit(!)

We're going to look at Joe first.

I should say they had to do
the felling behind the rope

but they could stray
in front of the rope to set up
their felling technique.

Here is Joe Lycett's felling.

Yeah, I can do some good work with
that.

Yeah, I've gone a bit dizzy.

Oh, shut up!

A good run up with that.

Just keeps going.

Oh, my God there's a bowling ball.

There's a bloody bowling
ball in there!

HE LAUGHS

This is it, mate.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

So the time starts when the first
duck falls?

Yeah. So actually, feasibly it could
be all over in a few seconds?

That's the plan.

Yes! Yes!

Yes!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Ah!

Yes, yes, yes.

Ah! Fuck!

Yes!

YES!

Oh, my God. I feel so alive.

APPLAUSE

It's amazing how quickly something
can go from someone with real
precision planning,

it was like an episode of the A-Team
for about two minutes -

"I'm going to use these implements."

And then we just flip into someone
having a mental breakdown.

LAUGHTER

Effective, though. Yeah, he knocked
them all over in 1 minute 56.

And then he said he felt absolutely
great about his performance.

Lovely.

1.56, I don't know how that stacks
up but it feels good.

It felt good on the day.

I thought it'd be nice to look at
Hugh now.

Oh, lovely.

Gordon Bennett, it's elastic this
thing, isn't it?

The clock has started.

Stop the clock.

APPLAUSE

That was nearly as much fun as I
thought it was going to be.

And that is the magic of this show.

Someone who looks like they're going
to humiliate themselves

across the series, can suddenly be
back in the game.

It's like Billy Elliot.

LAUGHTER

So it was 8.9 seconds.

Faster than Usain Bolt.

He doesn't do that, though, does he?

Different disciplines.
No, the two don't compare.

No.

Well done.

Thanks.

It's time for a break now.

Get excited
because in the last part of the show

will see Lolly, Mel and Noel
felling ducks,

all of them take to the stage for
the final task of the show,

plus the lucky winner will be
heading home with some rotten

ink-stained vegetables.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Thanks for coming back.

It's the final part of the show and
there's a task

that still needs completing.

What was happening before the break,
Alex?

Well, they've been felling ducks,
Greg.

Joe was quite quick, Hugh was even
quicker, but what about the others?

Well, it's time to see Noel and Mel
grouped together.

Lovely. God!

Oh, no!

I can't get the purchase.

Am I anywhere near them?

It keeps on getting caught.

I'm going to have to rethink.

How am I going to make these buggers
fell?

Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Right - boom.

Yes, two down.

This is going to be impossible.

That's it.

He's annoying me, that one there.

Nice.

Should have done that first of all.

Have you found a way, Mel?
I think I have, my darling.

Boom.

And then... Oh, hello.

Hello, swingy. Swingy with elastic.

Boom.

APPLAUSE

Very interesting
to see how the human mind works
under pressure, isn't it?

I mean, in your mind, Mel,

I imagine that swinging the ball
on that piece of rope,

it was going to be the first row,
with the first throw, the second...

All in one move.
All in one move in me mind's eye.

I was Fatima Whitbread.

You both got there
using the technique known as
"the Dennis" in the end.

But you both also have the instinct,

"I'm going to deal with these
one duck at a time."

I was pretty much picking out ducks
I didn't like the look of.

Respectable Noel,
4 minutes 50, total.

Whereas Mel, 7 minutes 25.

Which is more than four seconds
per duck.

Despite her devastating windmill
technique.

One to go.

Lolly Adefope. She's been isolated,
good news or bad?

Bad. Oh.

Can I use the hose?

Do whatever you want, Lolly. OK.

I think the hoses are working.

So the issue is that the ducks are
too far away.

If we can move the ducks closer and
still use the hose...

One, two, three.

Lift.

That's great.
Are you going to go for it?

Yeah. I'm ready with the clock.

The first one's gone.

Stop the clock!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

If there style points available,

then ducks would want to be knocked
off with water.

So it's really beautiful.

What intrigues me
is that you realised the hose
wasn't powerful enough

and then you very cleverly thought,
I'll bring the ducks closer to me,

but you didn't bring them
very close.

LAUGHTER

I was really worried they were going
to go over.

"No, I'm going to do this
in a sporting way."

I like a challenge.

She was second quickest with
1 minute and 2 seconds.

Oh, wow!

In last place was Mel,
then Noel, Joe,

Lolly and Hugh, of course,
the winner.

I think I'll still be bottom,
though, don't you?

You're certainly not going to win.
LAUGHTER

Oh, he's well in last place.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, we're nearing the end of the
show but there's one challenge
remaining.

Please can you all head to the stage
for the last task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There they are, on stage for the
first time.

Interesting mix of human beings
isn't it?

Mel, would you read out the
final task to your enemies.

"Make the most juice, you must pick
one fruit and one tool.

"If you pick the same tool someone
else you must juice blindfolded.

"If you pick the same fruit
as someone else
you must use one-handed.

"If you pick the same fruit AND tool
as someone else you must juice

"blindfolded, one-handed
and bouncing up and down."

LAUGHTER

"You have one minute."

Well, I think that's clear to
everyone.

What do you define as juice?

What do I define as juice?

I didn't really follow
that last bit.

Signposts, you've got sign posts.

Choose your tool and fruit
with the signpost.

The name of the tool or the fruit,
hold them up to your chest.

So the audience can see them?

No, the opposite.

LAUGHTER

It's interesting isn't it
because Alex's tone is
that this is all obvious.

Isn't a coconut a nut and not fruit?
Oh, God.

You have to pick a tool, Hugh.

I don't. You do.

You have to use a tool.

I've got knives!

So right-hand fruit if you can show
me. Hugh, what fruit?

Pineapple. Joe?

Pineapple. Lolly?

Grapes. Lovely.

Mel? Lime. Noel?

Grapes. So everyone except for Mel
is juicing one-handed.

Hugh, what tool will you be using?

Tweezers. Pineapple, hammer.

Grapes and another hammer.

Lime, shoe. Grapes and tweezers.

Unlucky, Hugh.

I did not in my wildest fantasies
with think anyone else would choose
fucking tweezers!

We've got blindfolds here,
because of double tweezers.

At the end there.

Double tweezers blindfold, simple.
And double hammer, blindfolds.

Double hammers, blindfold.

So Mel has done very well if she can
juice a lime with a shoe.

Which is a sentence
in the history of humankind
will never be uttered again.

Everyone, one hand behind the back
except for Mel.

Me as well? What?!

Yes. Because you doubled up
your grapes with Lolly Adefope.

The rules were made very clear.

LAUGHTER

Let's juice. Yes.

Five seconds left!
Five seconds left!

Three, two, one.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, well, Alex, calculate the
amount of juice collected.

Let's bring you all down and see how
that's affected the final scores.

Great celebrity juicing, Alex.

How did they do?

Well, shall we start of the grapes
guys, Lolly and Noel.

Very calmly just patted their
grapes.

Lolly made 0.4 of a millimetre of
grape juice.

And Noel two millimetres of wine,
I suppose.

Then what happened?
These two guys, the bucket men.

I measured the amount of juice that
was in the shards of Hugh's glass

because he put it in his pocket and
it immediately broke.

What you mean obviously immediately
broke?

What glass in human history has
broken immediately

in putting it in a pocket? Plastic.

He managed to get four 4ml
in there of pineapple juice.

I know. In the shards?

Well, there were so much pineapple
spraying around,
lots of it went in the shards.

Joe was just left with 3ml,
but Mel and shoe.

She got...

CHEERING

She delicately and craftily squeezed
7ml of lime juice.

All right, Alex. What's that done to
the final scoreboard?

Well, Hugh and Lolly are tied in
last place

and there's only one
point separating the top two.

This week's winner is Noel Fielding!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

All that's left for you to do is go
up and grab your veg.

Noel Fielding, ladies and gentlemen!

Well, there we are, Alex. One down.

That's right, I love you and I love
my wife equally.

So, what have we learned today?

Well, we've learned if you're
thinking of being Hugh Dennis' baby,

it don't matter if you're black or
white.

We've also found out that the winner
of the first episode of series four

of Task Master is none other
than Mr Noel Fielding!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everybody.
See you next time!

Subtitles by Ericsson