Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - A Pistachio Éclair - full transcript

Taskmaster Greg Davies sets the competitors one of the show's most difficult challenges yet, as they must try to impress an intimidating man in gold chains - the Mayor of Chesham.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
HE CHUCKLES

Oh!

Whoa!

Uh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

Today our five competitors will pass
the halfway point of the series.

It's still anyone's game,

but today's points could really make
a difference.

Who will be triumphantly holding
this ruggedly handsome trophy

high and mighty at the end
of the series?



Only time will tell.

Let's meet our rivals now.

They are Doc Brown, Joe Wilkinson,
Jon Richardson,

Katherine Ryan and Richard Osman.

To my left, as always,
is Alex Horne.

Why are you here, Alex?

Eye candy and admin.

It's sort of...

I'm sort of the Richard Osman
of the show,

but we also have a Richard Osman
on the show,

so there's probably too much
Richard Osman on the show.

It feels Richard Osman heavy.

Yep. But that's what I do.
What are they playing for tonight?

Well, I'm so glad you asked that.



Tonight we've asked them to bring
in their best dinner party guest.

OK? So whoever brings in the best
guest at a dinner party

will win the first points
of the show,

and the winner of the show will win
a dinner with those guests.

What a lovely idea. I love dinner
and I hate boring people.

Joe, let's start with you.

LAUGHTER

I've brought along Henry, who is...

LAUGHTER

..Britain's sixth strongest man.
How do you know Henry?

I work out at the same place.

LAUGHTER

Unlikely mates.

Doc, who did you bring in? A DJ
and music producer extraordinaire.

Oh, yeah? The Last Skeptik.
That's his name. That's his name.

The Last Skeptik. His first name's
The. The Last Skeptik.

He... I was going to bring
in the Penultimate Sceptic.

LAUGHTER

You shouldn't judge people
by their appearances,

but I would've said he
was DJ Car Thief.

LAUGHTER

Richard, who have you brought?

My guest is this lovely
Great Dane, Fraser who's just...

CHEERING

..the most wonderful dog
you'll ever meet

and walks in the park
near me and is just... Uh!

Lovely. I think he would get on with
The Last Skeptik.

So long as The Last Skeptik
has poo bags in his pocket,

which I suspect he does.

LAUGHTER

It was a toss of the coin for me
between The Last Skeptik and my mum.

And now I'm so glad,

because you lot just would have
cussed my mum

for, like, ten minutes.

I would never have cussed your mum

unless she looked like
a common criminal.

LAUGHTER

You would have cussed my mum
for ten minutes.

LAUGHTER

Jon.

I think you want someone who has
got good stories to tell,

someone who is funny,
someone who likes food

but not to the point
where he's going to eat

48 chicken breasts and 12 eggs.

You want somebody who likes a drink
but isn't an alcoholic.

You want someone you look up to.

My guest for the dinner party
is that guy.

LAUGHTER

You charmer.

I would have bet my life that was
going to be a picture of you.

LAUGHTER

Katherine, who are you
bringing to the dinner party?

The most important thing is family.

I haven't seen my baby
sister in a long time.

She's like a better version of me
that everyone likes.

She can do the splits.
She is a bartender.

I have flown my sister Kerry in
from Canada.

LAUGHTER
Whoa! Aww. Oh!

She's so cool.
She's been to the Playboy Mansion.

She has tons of stories, no
filter. You'd love her. Great.

I'm looking forward to having
dinner with her.
JON SNEEZES

Excuse me.
LAUGHTER

That happens whenever anyone says
Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to rate them? Yes.

Who's your favourite dinner
party guest there?

I haven't decided whether
I'm going to the party yet

so that's going last.

Erm... Sixth strongest man
in Britain.

I really... I want to meet that
guy... Yeah.

..because we can talk
about our six packs. Mm.

I'm going to put him number one.

And I'm going to put your sister,

because I've taken your word for it
that she can do the splits...

LAUGHTER

I'm going to put the DJ
at number three

because I think I've been very rude
about a man I've never met,

and I'm putting the dog
at number four,

although I love dogs. OK.
That's my final ruling.

You're in last? Eh?
You're in last place.

I'm in last, yeah.
You're the worst person...?

No, fine. I haven't decided
whether I'm attending

so I can't put myself
high on the list.

If I am attending I'm going to be
fucking awesome at that party.

LAUGHTER

OK. Fine. So the winner was
Joe Wilkinson. That's right.

Unbelievable.
APPLAUSE

OK, let's get the first proper
task underway. Alex, what's next?

It's more who's next? Have a look.

Right. Hiya. Hi.

Hello, there. Hello.

You'd be the mayor? I am.
For real, the mayor.

For real, the mayor.
The real mayor. Yeah.

Hi. Good to meet you. And you.
Nice to see you again.

Nice to meet you.
Hi, nice to meet you.

You're very young for a mayor.
Yes, yes, I am.

What's "CLLR"? Councillor.
Councillor.

Hi, I'm Richard, how are you?

Hi, Richard. Peter. Nice to meet
you, Peter. Nice to meet you too.

Absolute pleasure to meet you.

You're the mayor? I am indeed.
Goodness me.

You look splendid.

How's your day been? All right?
Not bad at all.

That's nice. How's your day been?
Shit.

LAUGHTER

It's an honour, I guess.
I don't know if...

I haven't met a mayor before,
of anywhere, so...

"Impress this mayor.
You have a maximum of 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

"You have a maximum of
20 minutes."

You're easily impressed, Peter?
No. Oh.

APPLAUSE

I've got to get out of here.

Before we get stuck into the task,
interesting,

the two ends of the line,

very different approaches
to authority.

Doc, "I'm honoured, I guess".

LAUGHTER

Whereas Richard Osman,
surprisingly obsequious.

It's good to be polite, right?
No, it was really sweet.

If you check it, Greg,
it matches the title doesn't it?

"I'm honoured...I guess."

The mayor...of Chesham.
Do you know what I'm saying?

LAUGHTER

Can we see how some people did?
Here is Joe and Doc. "I guess."

You're really the mayor? I am
absolutely 100% the mayor. Yeah.

Oh.

OK, Peter. All right. OK.
I'll think of something.

LAUGHTER

That's quite tough.

I've never had to
impress a mayor before. Wow.

PANTING

LAUGHTER

# I know I'd go from rags to riches

# If you would only say you care

# And though my pocket may be empty

# I'd be a millionaire. #

APPLAUSE
I love that.

LAUGHTER

Erm... I've got you...
I've got you something.

I... Erm...

42...

42, Calippos... Lovely.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eight cans of strong lager.

Fantastic. Is there any significance
to the 42 Calippos?

It's all they had.
It's all they had!

LAUGHTER

So, come on, Peter.

# Open your eyes
and I'll open the door

# Tell me you're mine evermore. #

LAUGHTER

Cheers. Cheers.

Ah!

Calippo? Yeah, why not?

# My fate is up to you. #

HE EXHALES

PETER APPLAUDS

Cheers. Thank you very much.
Well done. Thank you very much.

Till next time.
DOC CHUCKLES

Have you got anything
else on the impressive scale

apart from Calippos and beer?

15 quid. That's all I've got left.

PETER LAUGHS

Bribing a politician, eh?
Yeah. It's always worked, you know?

LAUGHTER

Good health.

APPLAUSE

Very interesting for a very
good rapper to choose to...

Yeah, but, Greg,
..I'd say molest a song. Yeah.

The barnet said show tunes to me.
The mayor's hair said show tunes?

Yeah, his hair said show tunes.

I didn't think he'd
appreciate a rap.

His hair said Calippos to me.

LAUGHTER

Who can we see next?
Katherine and Richard?

Yes, we'll go the other end
of the line.

Yeah. Katherine and Richard.

So, impress you.

I'll tell you what.
Why don't I write you a...?

I might write you a little poem...
That would be good.

..about Chesham.

Hello, your honour. Welcome back.

So I took some time to think
about what might impress you

and this is a cup of tea.
Oh, thank you very much.

You're very welcome. Cos I know the
language of this country of yours,

that you preside over.

I know that you do marketing
for education. Yeah.

So you love kids, and I thought,
in my school

we used to have to sing
O Canada in the morning... OK.

..so, I thought, whatever your kids
do in schools, let's bin that

and instead they could have sort
of an anthem to you. Fine. Yeah.

So I would like to pitch
that to you now. Great.

# Listen up, kids, we're gonna
bin the Lord's Prayer

# Big ups to the big guy
that's Chesham's town mayor

# That's Peter Hudson

# You know that you can trust
him, yeah. #

LAUGHTER

# Is he sexy? Affirmative

# Brown hair, bright eyes
Conservative.

# A volunteer but that's not all

# Three kids but just one came
from his balls

# That's Peter Hudson

# You know that you can trust
him, yeah. #

LAUGHTER

# Recreation and the arts
his general interest food and darts

# Organises Dial-a-Ride
A politician with nothing to hide

# That's Peter Hudson

# You know that you can trust
him, yeah. #

Well done.

You've been on Google.

# That's Peter Hudson... #

Everybody.

# You know you can trust
him, yeah. #

And I put on some hip-hop trousers
as well. It didn't go unnoticed.

# That's Peter Hudson
You know that you can trust him. #

APPLAUSE

One fine day to Chesham fair

I ventured forth to meet the mayor

Strong of jaw

And fine of feature

The King of Chesham
My new friend Peter

Peter's on our list of crushes
in this town of boots

And town of brushes

Foes, he has many
but he'll just kick 'em

From Aylesbury, Chartridge
and High Wycombe

Of Amersham we don't give two fucks

Chesham, third biggest town
in Bucks.

Sir. Well done.

APPLAUSE

OK, let's clear this up
very quickly.

Peter does not preside over
the whole country.

It's just an area of it.
I wish he did.

After that anthem he should do.

I spent 30 years learning to
twerk like that.

The twerking was amazing and I'm
sure I speak for the whole room

when I say, jugglers,
we don't give a fuck about you.

There's a stat here.

Over 30% of people can juggle
but over 75% of people hate juggling

so that includes 5%
of the people who can.

LAUGHTER

So we need to see how impressive
Jon Richardson can be

and then hear
judgment from the mayor himself.

All to come in part two.
See you then.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where four professional comedians
and fact finder Richard Osman

are competing for the ultimate
dining experience.

Alex what's going down?

They've been trying to impress
the Mayor of Chesham.

Peter Hudson. Obviously. Yeah.

So far they have bought him alcohol
and rapped and sang at him.

And we've just got Jon to see.

Do you want to see him now?
No, I'll just come last.

No, I really want to see this.

I feel physically sick.
I'm not going to watch.

I'm going to...
for the duration of this.

It's OK. Are you going to do this?
We're going to show it.

OK. I'll see you.

LAUGHTER

Are you hungry? I've just eaten.
Are you into sport? No. No?

No. No, built for pleasure,
not for speed.

Are you into circus skills?

Not something I've spent a lot of
time thinking about, to be fair.

TAPPING

What do you...? What do you...?
Oh, God, I just can't think.

Do you want to see
a video of a whale?

A video of a whale? Yeah,
I saw a whale in America.

What do you think of that?

What do you think that is?
I dread to think.

Is that a sandwich?

It's a pistachio eclair.

A pistachio... That is actually
quite impressive. Yeah! Yeah!

I do love pistachios. Quite
impressed by a pistachio eclair.

Pistachio eclair.

Did you make the pistachio eclair?
No - but I bought it.

Oh, so it's less impressive.

You have already registered
quite impressed.

I sometimes can make a
noise of a dolphin.

HE SCREECHES

That's not it.

HE SCREECHES

No, that's not it. It's gone now.

Since I hit puberty.

I'm going to end up singing you
a song, aren't I?

Yeah, we all know
that's where it's going to end up.

I'll end up screaming a song
into your face.

I just do not want to
sing you a song.

LAUGHTER

I just feel like if I sing
and dance in here...

Yeah. ..I have to live with myself.
And my wife has to live with me.

That is true. And that is
in jeopardy if I sing.

Er... If I google
impressive things...

Holy shit.

This hasn't gone how I hoped, Peter.
I'm not going to lie to you.

# Desperado, why don't you
come to your senses?

# You've been out riding
fences for so long now

# And you're a hard one

# I know that you've got
your reasons

# These things that are pleasin' you

# Can hurt you sometime. #

LAUGHTER

Still less impressed than the
fucking photo of an eclair.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

PETER LAUGHS
OK. Oh, God.

APPLAUSE

Interesting, isn't it,

because you could argue that Jon's
got a much better voice than Doc.

Definitely.
There's no question about that.

And yet it was far more
embarrassing.

When you're
an entertainer for a living

and the task is impress someone,
and that's what you end up doing,

you have to ask some serious
questions about...

I mean, I charge people to come
and see me. I can't do that now.

Do you do the eclair stuff on stage?

LAUGHTER

Admittedly, and everyone
that's been on,

he was impressed by one
of the things I showed him.

Yeah, we have got some exact
scores from the Mayor.

We got him to score it.

This is... We'll see how
impressed the Mayor was.

LAUGHTER

OK, I think for Jon
I would rate him at

5 out of 10.

Doc Brown did very well.
I would rate it at

7 out of 10.

On the impressive scale
I would rate Katherine

8 out of 10.

I would say the most impressive

thing about Joe's attempt was

the 42 ice lollies and eight
cans of strong lager.

I think I would rate that

as a 7 for impressiveness.

For Richard Osmond I would award

8 out of 10 on the
impressiveness scale.

I thought both the poem

and the juggling combined were

particularly impressive.

APPLAUSE

You've got some work to do, Greg.

He couldn't split these two
or these two.

So first of all who do you want
to put into fourth?

These two both got 7
and these two both got 8.

That's really difficult, isn't it?

Cos I've really upset
the jugglers already.

But I'm going to have to put
Katherine ahead of Richard,

I'm afraid. Yes!

OK. So Katherine's in first place.

Easy choice between those two.

Who doesn't want 42 Calippos, right?
So, Joe is there.

So it goes Katherine, Richard, Joe,
Doc and then Jon.

Bam! Nailed it.

APPLAUSE

Who's doing best so far, Alex?
Well, Richmond is in third...

LAUGHTER

Who's in 3rd? Richmond Osmond.
Richard Osman? Richmond Osman.

Second place we've got
Joe Wilkinson,

and in first place, Katherine Ryan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Great. Another task then, I think.

OK, this one is a beautiful arty
one like you asked for. Ah! OK.

Hello. Hi, Katherine. Hi.
How are you? I'm well. How are you?

"Make the most unexpected silhouette
on this screen."

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

He used these words like
"unexpected".

OK. The most unexpected silhouette
on that screen, right?

That's difficult.

I've only ever been able to do that
creepy little, you know,

that little guy. Oh, yeah.
Everybody can do him.

Yeah, that's not unexpected.
I mean, literally everybody.

Move about a bit.

It should be a punchline,
the reveal.

That's nice.

He's got a good profile,
hasn't he, Alex?

He could be on coins, Alex,
I think.

What does "unexpected" mean?

I'm on it. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

Rargh!

LAUGHTER

That's what "unexpected" means.
I see.

Yes, so the idea was
that they built up stuff

on one side of the screen

so the silhouette was unexpected
on the other.

So we need to see the things
and think,

"I wonder what that's going to be",
and then be surprised by it.

That's the idea, yeah.

Hm.

LAUGHTER

Do you want to see what Doc used
on the other side of the silhouette?

Yeah, I really do.
OK. So he did this.

So he used a saw, a skull,
a sort of blood spatter.

Yeah, I mean, what I'm expecting
is this to look like

he's attacked a deer and there
to be blood on the floor.

So as long as it's not that.

LAUGHTER

He's entitled it Why?
and this is his silhouette. OK.

GUNSHOT

LAUGHTER

GUNSHOT

APPLAUSE

I'm a little less worried. It was a
very nice image. Was it unexpected?

No. No. Do you want to see what
Richard used for his silhouette?

More than anything.
It's more intriguing, I think.

So he's used a bin lid,
a bowl and a little statuette.

What do you expect? And a post-it
note there. And a post-it note.

I genuinely have no idea
what to expect. That's exciting.

That's a good start, isn't it?
Mm. Here is Richard's silhouette.

'It's one small step for man,
one giant leap for mankind.

WHIRRING

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

'OK, we've had a problem here.'

'This is Houston.
Say again, please.'

'Houston, we've had a problem.'

'Aargh!'

APPLAUSE

I mean, honestly, I think that's
awesome. Absolutely brilliant.

It's good documentary footage
of what actually happened.

Let's have a look at what Joe used.

Joe used a more simple technique.
Joe used some cardboard.

He dangled some cardboard using
fishing wire

and then he used his
own breath to animate it.

Well, I don't know what it's going
to be yet. OK. It's this.

DANCE MUSIC

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That would be really inventive

if I didn't think it had been
fuelled by many years of drug use.

I can't wait to see what Katherine

and Jon's silhouettes are,

but I have to, because
there are now some adverts.

That's how it works.
See you after that.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
our five competitors are competing

to have dinner with The Last Skeptik
and me. Yes, they are.

And right now they are making me
some silhouettes.

Yes, we've seen some quite
surprising silhouettes.

We're yet to see Jon and Katherine,

and I thought we'd see Katherine's
behind the screen picture first.

So, these were her raw ingredients.

A lot going on.

It's ambitious for a breakdown.
LAUGHTER

I thought we were meant to use
a bunch of crazy stuff.

You did use a bunch of crazy stuff.
Any ideas what it is, Greg?

Of course not.

The thing is,
it looks like Karate Kid. OK.

You're not far off.
This is a silhouette.

Ah!

Eeee!

Show us the baby!

Eeeee!

Eeee!

APPLAUSE

Can we have a look at
the image again? Yes. Yeah.

Was there a scene before
The Lion King was fully edited

where someone holds up
a severed horse head?

It was unexpected, as well.

I mean, she used clothes pegs,
food dye, Marmite, golf balls,

hair clips, coffee, chilli sauce,
and she made the African savanna,

so I think it's unexpected.

It's unexpected if I recognise
that as the African savanna.

I mean, I recognise that
as a load of shit, loosely thrown...

Well, there is one more person
who could potentially rescue it -

Mr Jon Richardson.

I can't watch this, so...
LAUGHTER

Well, Jon...
Jon's was nearly beautiful.

Let's have a look.
This is what he used.

He used a red balloon,
a mannequin and some Blu-Tack,

and he toiled for 15 minutes

and created this
ballet-cum-opera-cum-art.

Here it is.

Oh, no. I lost my balloon.

LAUGHTER

But I came here to lose my balloon.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

It's the story of
a boy's journey to manhood.

He recognised... You know, he's
enjoying playing with the balloon,

the balloon leaves him,
and then he becomes fully tumescent.

I think we all know losing
a balloon...

A balloon flying away is the saddest
thing that can happen to anyone.

Of course, it's awful.

And yet, I've made that somehow
an erotic thing,

which I think is unexpected.

I thought it was really,
really beautiful.

So, we've got The Lion King,
the moon attack,

The Acid House Face, The Animal
Attack and the Balloon Tumescent.

It's like one of those really
terrible years at the Oscars,

isn't it, really?

OK, I'm going to put Doc
in last place.

Sorry, Doc. It was awful.
It was awful.

I'm going to put The Lion King
in fourth place

because, whilst you
used a lot of interesting things,

it didn't look like The Lion King.

Acid House, I really enjoyed it,
man. Thank you. That means a lot.

Really nice. The Moon Attack
was incredibly accurate

but it could not beat the beauty
of a journey of a boy to manhood.

OK. Jon Richardson wins it.

Alex, what's the next task?

We've got a very quick task,
and this one's just for you.

I think you'll like this one. Oh.

Morning. Oh, hi, Doc.

Pigeonhole. Oh, look at that.

It's got my name on it.

OK, hello.

Oh, yeah.

That's money, isn't it?

Yes.

"Buy a gift for the Taskmaster.
You have 20 weeks."

20 weeks?

That's doable, isn't it? Mm-hmm.
So, 20 quid...

I'd need to buy him something
that's going to please him

and give him no clues.

20 weeks, £20. Mm-hm.

I don't... I can spend more than
this, can I? Oh, that would be nice.

Or less.

What ever you think would
please the Taskmaster. Right.

A 20-quid gift.

How well do you know
the Taskmaster, Joe?

Greg? I've never heard of him.

We were supposed to socialise
together recently

but he said he was working,

so maybe I'll get him a diary
so he can plan his time better

and not let people down
at the last minute.

Can I buy him a range of gifts?

Yes, you can.

Hmm...

Food for thought.

Excellent, well, I'll clear
something straightaway

before we see the gifts,

and that is I was supposed to
meet Jon recently.

We were going to go and watch
the darts together in January.

Sadly, I genuinely had
a work commitment.

I wrote to him,
profusely apologised,

and he didn't reply,

so I am glad that I'm not
hanging around

with passive-aggressive
people like him.

Yeah, you're not coming across
as passive-aggressive, mate,

don't you worry(!)

OK, Richard, talk us through
your gift.

OK, listen, I know you love darts...

Oh, dude. ..and also, I thought
20 quid was probably not as much

as somebody should be
spending on you,

so I made a series of rash bets
on the PDC Premier League Darts,

but they came off,
which is rather handy.

Let's take a look at a couple
of the things here.

Dave Chrisnall came off for me. Wow.

Wright, Lewis and van Gerwen
came off for me at 9 to 1.

So, I got £250 and I gave that,
in your name,

to a lovely charity
called Child's i,

who look after abandoned children
in Uganda,

and it has bought them
three months' worth of...

..three months' worth
of looking after children

who have been abandoned
on the streets of Kampala,

and they've got a little message
for you here, as well,

to say thank you. Good.

Hello, Taskmaster.

I am Harriet,
the foster carer in Uganda,

working
with the Child's i Foundation.

Your gift gives Annabel
my love, care and protection

until we find her a forever family.

Thank you, Taskmaster.

I mean, worthy, creative...

A lot of people wouldn't put
that into last place.

Who's next?

How about Joe. How about...?

Let's see what Joe's brought.

Is it a toaster?

I took a punt...

Yeah. ..that you might be
into waterskiing.

Nice, aren't they?
Are they antique?

They're antique, mate, yeah.
Oh, are they? Lovely, yeah.

I'm not...
I can't guarantee they float.

20 quid? Yeah.

Really nice gift. Well done.
Cheers. Yeah.

JOE GIGGLES

Jon next. Yeah.

So, this is a cookbook,
but it's recipes from films,

so they're fictional things,
but it teaches you how to make,

like, a Big Kahuna Burger
from the Reservoir Dogs film,

Lembas Bread from Lord Of The Rings,

Butterbeer from Harry Potter,

and that was only 12.99,
so I got you 701 penny sweets.

I mean, I don't like the cookbook,
I'll be honest with you.

I just don't like that
sort of novelty bullshit,

but you pulled it back with
the sweets.

Who's next?
Shall we see Doc Brown's gift?

Yes. OK.

I don't want to talk about it.

I just want you to open it and see
if it means anything to you,

because I went out on a limb.

I don't know if I'm right or wrong.

It was essentially
based on something you let slip

in an interview.

Mmm. Erm...

Whilst under caution.

It's really great.

It's a game that me and Mark Andrews
and my sister made up

when we were kids,
called Mad Helmet Murderer.

Which involved my sister,
who was 11 at the time,

wearing this helmet,

and then we would jump out with
cricket bats and smash...

Smash her over the head.

That's a great present.

You've got one more gift left.

Oh, Katherine.
One more from Katherine.

So, what's your name?

Greg.

No.

Yes.

I changed it!

APPLAUSE

I bought you a little
square foot of land

that entitles you to a lordship,
and you are now Lord Greg Davies.

Yes! For 20 quid?

Yes. It's, like,
this weird loophole,

because you guys are so weird,

and all, like, OBEs,
they buy that anyway.

It's actually toxic wasteland.

You know, it's just a way of
exploiting your ridiculous system.

LAUGHTER
Properly?

It's a way of exploiting
the ridiculous system

in this country... System,
Your Lordship. Your Majesty.

Your Lordship.

Tough, isn't it?

So, whose was worst?

I'm putting Richardson
in last place.

Son of a holy Lordship piece of...

Skis, next. Oh.

Oh, man.

It's so tough, because we all know
I should put Richard first.

Yeah.

Can I say,
to make it easier for you,

the gift has already been given,
and it's done its good.

I'm very comfortable
being in third place.

Yeah, but it makes me
look like a shit, doesn't it?

They're going to be so excited
when they find out

that their £250 has come from
a lord. Oh, my goodness.

OK, I'm going to put Osman
in first place. Oh...

I've got to...for my public.

But I'm going to quickly follow it
with Katherine's lordship... Whoo!

..because I have got a boner
for being a lord.

And then, Doc Brown, you know,
thanks for doing a bit of research.

Thanks for making me
think you care, Doc.

OK. That's it.
You're welcome, my Lordship.

The winner's Richard Osman.
Thank you. That's great.

I feel like another task.

This one, Lord Davies,
is really good.

Hi, Alex. Hello.
If you stay right there...

What fresh hell is this?

Hi. How are you doing?

I am well. How are you?
I'm good. Cheers.

Cool. Did you know that
you were going to see me?

No, I thought that was, like,
strictly against the rules.

Well, well, well.
The plot thickens. Yes!

Hi. Hello. How are you?

How are you doing, Joseph?

Hello, there. Hello.
Hi, Jon. How are you? How are you?

I didn't know you are coming.

I didn't know you were coming.
This is great.

THEY CHEER
There he is.

So, this is a team task.
You're going to be working together.

Hello, Alex. Look who it is.

Hello, mate. How are you?
Hello, there.

What's this all about?
He's from a previous series.

Josh is going to help you try to
win five points each.

This is like when
the three Doctor Whos met.

You could all win this, OK,
or you could all lose it.

There's no individual points here,
so good luck.

Behind me, you'll see
the Taskmaster outbuildings -

Ace, 2 and 3.

So, I've got three cards.

Oh, OK. You're going
to pick one each, OK? Yeah.

And then go to your outbuilding.
All right.

Good luck, gents. Good luck.
Have a good one. Good luck.

What have we got?

A box of veg,

black headbands
and possibly blindfolds.

Oh. Oh, no.
I've just seen a blindfold.

Am I reading this to those guys?

Whatever you want, Josh. Ready?

"Put on this blindfold..."

"Then instruct only the person
closest to you to open their task."

Joe!

Hello. You can open your task.
Thank you.

Richard!

Yes, Josh?

Open your task! All right.

Put the earplugs in your ears

and the ear protectors
over the earplugs,

then continue reading.

Josh. Yeah?

I'm just putting earplugs in my ears
and then headphones as well,

so I'm not going to be able to hear
anything from this moment on. OK?

Fucking hell...

There's music.

"You must remain within
your bandstand.

"Instruct the next person to
open their task."

Jon, can you open your task?

"Do not read this out loud."

What does it say, Jon?

LAUGHTER

If you don't understand anything,
you can ask me something.

Oh, I understand perfectly well.
OK.

You're a madman.

LAUGHTER

"It's just like when the three
Doctor Whos met."

It's not. It's not at all.

Lovely to see Josh Widdicombe back,
a man who knows how to buy a gift.

He has my name tattooed on his foot
from the last series, of course.

A little friend for Jon.

Yeah. Yeah, well,
we needed to even it up,

so it was the first team task
of the series. Yeah.

And, obviously, one of them
can't see, one of them can't hear,

and one of them can't speak.
OK, stop right there.

Let's have a quick break
and conclude things afterwards.

See you soon.

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome back to
the final part of the show,

where one of our contestants
is dangerously close

to winning a ticket to the most
awkward dinner party ever,

but first,
we have a task to complete.

Do you want to see how Katherine,
Doc and Joe coped? Yes, I do.

OK, and this should make
some sense of the task.

I can't read that!

I can come there?

But my thing says I have to stay.

Text?

Do you have my number?

Do you want my number?

07...

Shit, what's my number?

PHONE CHIMES
"I need a potato in here."

PHONE CHIMES
"But I can't talk or leave."

OK. I can't hear
but have you got a potato?

I've definitely got parsnips
and carrots. Have you got a potato?

OK, hold on.

Show me! Show me!

Is that a potato?

It doesn't feel like one.
That looks like an onion. An onion?

Shit. All right, hold on.

What are you doing?
I'm rummaging through...

That's a parsnip! Hold stuff up!
LAUGHTER

There's no...

There's no point in telling you
what I'm doing, is there?

I just realised.
How much stuff have you got?

Yes! Right, are you allowed to
leave your bandstand? I...

Well, I've not been told I can't.
Right, walk forward.

Right, turn right.

Oh, go... Oh, no, sorry.
Other way. Other way.

Turn a bit to your left.

Now walk forward.
Keep going. Keep going.

Turn a little bit to your right.

That's it. Now, go forward.

That's it. Keep going.

You're going straight towards her.
There's nothing in the way.

I'm guessing Katherine's
not allowed to speak.

Keep going. She's there.
She can't talk, by the way.

Yeah, OK, I get that.
She can't talk.

One more yard. Now, you can't
talk. Do you need a potato?

WHISTLE BLOWS
Yeah!

Is that it? Is that all we needed to
do? Yeah! Oh, awesome. Well done.

Did we do it in time?
Well, you did it.

It's a race against the other team.
Oh, shit.

Oh. Osman's got longer legs than me.
Finished!

LAUGHTER

It's interesting to note that
seeing Joe

with a woollen hat
and headphones on

and shouting loudly in a park,
it didn't seem...

it didn't seem that out of place.

It's now the return of Josh,
with Richard and Jon.

I can't see anything.

I can't see a single thing.

Josh! Hello.

Jon needs a potato.

Jon needs a potato?

Yeah. OK.

There's no potatoes so far.

I don't think there is...

There's a potato.
I've got a potato. Richard!

Richard! Jon!

You're doing well, Josh.

Can you hear me?

You can walk quickly from there.

You've got a clear run.

Just keep directing me.
Slightly to your left.

That's it. A bit more.
Yeah, that's it.

Keep going. You can go quicker.

A little bit to your right, Josh.

Can I go quicker?
And a bit more to your right.

A little bit more to your right.
That's it.

Now you can speed up.
LAUGHTER

Honestly, there's nothing
in your way, here, for ages.

That's it. Now, straight forward.

You are about two metres
away from Jon.

Jon? Keep going.
That's it. Keep going.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Well done, boys. Stop the clock.

Is that it? Great piece of work.
Well done.

It's very sweet seeing
one lovely little boy

giving another little boy a potato.

Really sweet. I reread that text
quite regularly,

cos me and Richard text every now
and again about football and things,

and it's funny looking back over
a text exchange, like,

"Oh, I hope Fulham win tonight."

And then just a text that says
"10am. I need a potato."

Well, team one,
Doc, Katherine and Joe,

scored five minutes and 49 seconds.

Oh. Oh, that doesn't sound good.

I've sort of got...

I've got a figure in my head of
about five minutes and 20 seconds.

Yeah, cos you probably internally
timed it, you freak.

Well, the previous winner
of Taskmaster,

and these two got 59 seconds
and four minutes.

So the winners were Jon Richardson
and Richard Osman. Congratulations.

It's close, it's exciting,

and now our five competitors
need to head up to the stage,

because it's the final task
of the show.

Jon, would you read out the task,
please?

I'll try.

Do you want to break the seal
and then take it from there?

Holy cow. Erm...

"Throw the rabbits into your hat.

"The person with the most rabbits
in their hat

"after 100 seconds wins."

It's Throw The Rabbits Into The Hat.

The belts must stay
around your wrists.

You get one point per rabbit
in your hat. OK? Good luck.

You've got 100 seconds starting...

Off you go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh.

WHISTLING AND CHEERING

CHEERING

CHEERING

GROANING
Oooh!

GROANING

Fucking rabbits.

Doc Brown has got all of them in.

See? They're all in.

No! Ah!

GROANING
I'm having a lovely time.

Jon, Jon, Jon, bend over.
I can't see the rabbits.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You've got five seconds left, Jon.

And that's...
And that's your time up.

CHEERING

I mean, please,
come and join me down here,

and let's try
and make sense of that madness. OK.

APPLAUSE

All right, let's cut to it.
Who behatted the most rabbits?

Well, it was an interesting task,
because... Controversial, right?

Well, when we planned it,
you and I... Yeah.

..we didn't think they'd
take the hats off. We didn't.

No, we thought they'd do it
like Jon did it.

Yeah, in a sporting way. Yes.
LAUGHTER

Jon kept his hat on, won the crowd,

but only got four rabbits
into his hat.

GROANING
Yeah. Richard only got seven in,

because someone stole
a lot of his rabbits.

LAUGHTER

Doc and Joe both got 12,

but Katherine Ryan got 15
rabbits into her hat.

WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE

What does that mean for our scores?
Well, after all that...

Yeah? ..it's changed hands and
Katherine Ryan has taken the lead!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Blimey.

Katherine wins. Well done.

And it's worthy of note,
a mid-table result... Yeah.

..an unlikely mid-table
result for Joe. Thanks.

And just, by the way,

Katherine Ryan has also taken
the lead in the whole series.

She is now the series leader.
Wow. Holy moley. Thanks.

Just in time for dinner.

Please, go up
and collect your prize.

Thank you.

What have we learnt today?

We always come up with
something that we learnt,

and we learnt lots of things,

but we only learnt one important
thing today, and that's...

I'm a Lord.

Let's hear some more clapping for
tonight's winner, Katherine Ryan.

Thank you, everybody. Goodnight.

CHEERING

Subtitles by Ericsson