Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Episode #2.1 - full transcript

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Oh!

What?

APPLAUSE

Hello. I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

You're about to witness five
comedians do battle for points

with the ultimate goal
of lifting my heavy golden head

above their ordinary heads

as they are crowned
champion of Taskmaster.

It's a brand-new series, so let's
meet our brand-new competitors.

They are Doc Brown.
All right?

APPLAUSE



Joe Wilkinson.
APPLAUSE

Jon Richardson.
APPLAUSE

Katherine Ryan.
APPLAUSE

And Richard Osman.

APPLAUSE

I'm also joined once again by my
lovely assistant, Mr Alex Horne.

Hello.
APPLAUSE

Really? Welcome back, Alex.
How are you?

I'm good. I'm feeling
a lot more confident.

I've got a lot more self-belief now.
So thank you for that.

I sort of see myself now
as your au-pair figure.

So I live in your house,
I look after your children.

And I'm quite nice to look at,
quite pretty. Are you?

Do you think so? I don't know
if this is pejorative or not,



but I think you look
a little bit like a pipe cleaner.

LAUGHTER

The first task, as ever,
is the prize task.

Today, you've asked them to bring in
their most important document. Yes.

Whoever brings in the most important
document will win the first points

and whoever wins the episode will
win all the important documents.

Doc Brown, please tell us what
your most important document is.

It's my first-ever,
or one of the very first,

full completed rhyme books
from my time as a teenage rapper.

And who hasn't got those?
LAUGHTER

It's full of some of
the most worthy, earnest,

annoying lyrics you've ever read.

Do you remember any lyrics from it?

"Forget Memory Lane,
I travel down Attitude Avenue."

APPLAUSE

Joe, what have you brought in?
What's important about your
document?

Um, it's my wedding certificate.

Wow!
Yeah, um,

the thing about this is,
when I said to my missus

I was going on the show,
I needed an important document,

I said, "Can I take
my wedding certificate?"

And she said, "No."
And I brought it anyway.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah. And I'm terrified of her.

I'm genuine. That's not a joke. I'm
absolutely terrified of her. Wow!

I went big early on this one.
Great!

Well, I mean,
that's going to be hard to beat.

Jon, what is your
important document?

My certificate to say that I am
a Guinness World Record holder.

Wow! Whoa!

Shit! Yeah.

And what do you hold
the world record in?

The highest ever
stand-up-comedy gig.

On a mountain?
I did a gig on a plane.

Did anyone else do the gig with you?
No.

Dara O Briain and Jack Whitehall
were there for moral support.

They're both taller than you.

LAUGHTER

Did they do the gig, Jon?
I was compering the gig,

so I went on first. I think some
people do genuine things to get in

the Guinness World Records. I don't
think that's a genuine record.

Oh! It's my honest opinion.
Shots fired.

I can't believe we're believing
Joe Wilkinson is married

and I'm getting shit!
LAUGHTER

I didn't expect it but he ultimately
went down Attitude Avenue.

LAUGHTER

Katherine? Well, my important
document is worth £10,000.

I do a lot of flying, and
I love it when no-one annoys me

on that flight by doing something
like stand-up comedy.

LAUGHTER

Because I would be trapped. Right.

I fly so much for work that
I have accrued enough points

to earn a companion voucher.
Any one of you can win it

and that means wherever you go,
even if it's first class,

you can take anyone you like
with you and they travel for free.

What a baller you will seem like.

JOE: That's amazing. That's actually
good. That's a great one.

Richard? Like Jon, I've got
something that's so important to me,

it's on my living room wall.

Unlike Jon, I actually have a
half-decent Guinness World Record.

Wow! Oh!

Et tu, Brute? It's actually
verified and all sorts of things.

I didn't have to go on a plane.
Nerd alert.

Yeah, for naming capital cities
in a minute live on television.

Naming the most... Yeah, I know.
Yeah, lovely.

We have to make a decision.
I'll make a very quick decision.

Can we get least important
to most important? Er, no.

I'm putting Joe in first place.
What?

APPLAUSE

The idea of you being alone saddens
me so much, I can't bear it.

It's points.
That marriage is a sham, anyway.

I'm putting Doc Brown
in second place.

OK.

APPLAUSE

And the other three in joint
third place, that's my plan. No!

Do you want me to put you in
third place? Yes, please, alone.

I will, yeah. Alone?

I'll give Katherine third place.

You're putting the two world-record
holders in last? In fourth. OK.

APPLAUSE

Time for the first
proper action task.

Place these three
exercise balls on the yoga mat...

..on the top of that hill.

That hill?

The task is complete
when all three balls sit

fully inflated
and stationary on the mat.

Fastest wins. The time starts now.
Up there? Are you serious?

LAUGHTER

Um, daunting task?

Not if you've worked
at altitude before.

LAUGHTER

Well, you know,
it's an exciting task.

I'm looking forward... Shall we just
see some? OK. Do you want to see

the two Js? Do you want to see Joe
and Jon? I do. OK. Here they are.

Your time starts now. That hill?

Yes, please.
Up there? Are you serious?

Ah! No!

Ah! Give me the ball.

Oh, God!

Oh, shit!

Oh!

Two minutes, Joe. What? You've
had two minutes. Oh, shut up!

No! No!

No!

Ah!

Ah! Ugh!

Oh!

Prick!

Fucking hate hills.

Had to go back for the other ball.
Yes, I saw that.

There we go. Done?
Done. That's it.

Well, thank you, Jon.
Fuck you, Alex.

APPLAUSE

I enjoyed watching it but it occurs
to me that my seven-year-old niece

would have come up with
a better plan than,

"I'm going to hold two
and kick one up."

I kicked one of them, admittedly.
I tried to carry two.

I think I tired to kick all three.
Yeah.

Forward thinking. Yeah. I thought,
"I'm not carrying those."

LAUGHTER

Joe, your total score was
nine minutes and one second.

Or you can round that up
to ten minutes, if you...

If you want to. Yeah, you could
round that up. We do want to.

Er, Jon, six minutes 37.
So that's nearly 15 minutes.

If you round it up.
About an hour.

How many minutes do we add for him
insulting the taskmaster's
assistant?

That's me. Yeah. I liked it.

I'm happy with that.
Fair enough. Let's see some more.

Who's next?
Er, the glamorous Doc and Katherine.

Yeah.
It's going to be windier up there

than it is down here.
Might as well take two balls.

Has someone tried
to carry all three at once?

Don't think I can do three.

Do you guys feel like going up to
the top of the hill

and just keeping these
from blowing away? Yeah.

I just need them to be stationary on
a yoga mat. That's so kind of you.

Strong women working together
is the fastest way to do anything.

So all three just need to sit here.

So if you keep those there, I'll
get the other one. Thanks, ladies.

No! No!

Fuck! Shit!

Argh!

You don't feel like doing me
a huge favour, do you?

Could you wait and just make
sure these don't roll down?

I'm going to get the ball and that
is it, you can go about your day.

Just give me two minutes, please.
Don't let the ball roll down.

Oh, ladies. All we've got to do
is get these on that mat.

We can sit on them.
It doesn't say don't sit on them.

OK. I'll stop the clock.
Well done. Yeah! There you are.

OK. Well done, Doc.

Are you OK? Yeah, good.

APPLAUSE

Very impressive to get
a feminist statement of power

into a game involving getting
plastic balls to the top of a hill.

Yes.
I loved the way you charmed them.

You had the strategy
straightaway, right?

Yes. Get some people, get help. I
didn't ask them to carry any balls.

I carried all the balls myself.
I saw that.

Doc, you looked like you had a
massive game plan at the beginning

because you went, "Ah! OK.
It's going to be windy up there."

Mm! That gave me some hope
because you were thinking. Mm!

And then you used the old put
the tiny rock on the massive ball.

LAUGHTER

I realised immediately,
when I got up there,

that even just getting a
decent-sized rock out of the ground

was going to be impossible.
So I was trying to pull

tiny pebbles out of the ground.
to keep them stable.

Give us some times
for these good people.

Doc made three trips up and down
and took 12 minutes 25 seconds.

Oh, wow!
I was expecting that to be good.

LAUGHTER

Er, Katherine,
she had six minutes 37 to beat.

She took seven minutes 36. No!

Oh, no way! Did I?
JOE: What were you doing?

She walked... She walked... She
walked is the end of that sentence.

She walked. She walked.

Just Richard Osman to go and
I imagine you just reached up

and placed them up there with
those big arms, didn't you?

We'll find out after the break.

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
four comedians and Richard Osman

are playing for Joe Wilkinson's
marriage certificate.

Alex, please remind us
what's been happening.

Well, so far, Jon Richardson
has been the fastest,

despite having some of the
shortest legs in comedy.

There's just Richard Osman to go.
Can we see how he did?

Yes, we can. Have a look. Um, now,

how am I going to do this?
It'll be impossible.

Let me have a little
read of that again.

Whoo! That's a long way up, right?

Oh! No!

Quite steep, isn't it, Richard?

Yeah, yeah. I was so tempted
to use this as a sledge.

Um...

Done.

It's really steep.

APPLAUSE

Is Richard Osman a genius,
or should that not be allowed?

There's definitely something
about the balls and up the hill.

Place...
What was the exact challenge?

Place these three exercise balls on
the yoga mat on the top of the hill.

Oh!
Yeah. Oh, yes!

On the yoga mat that is
on the top of that hill.

Is there any way of knowing for
sure... the spirit of the challenge?

I think it matters
what Susie Dent thinks. Oh!

Oh! So we asked Susie Dent.
She's from Countdown.

She said that the wording of the
task is open to interpretation.

She said it's the
classically ambiguous

English prepositional phrase. Which
is the title of my new rap album.

LAUGHTER

She finishes by saying, "I'd say how
Richard decided to understand it

"is unusual but not impossible."

No!

Joe, you know Susie, right?
I know Susie,

and she has a few too many of them.

LAUGHTER

If she read that in the evening,
I would discount it.

This is the way I see it.

Susie Dent knows what
she's talking about,

Richard used his imagination. As far
as I'm concerned, he wins that task.

I think we should see another task.

OK, it's going to be a heady mix
of sport and vegetables.

A potato? My fave.

Get this potato into the golf hole.

You may not touch the red green.

You may not touch the red green.

I get one shot at this? No. OK.

Oh, but if I throw it,
I can't go on it, right?

Oh, that's clever.

So it's like a one... Oh, man!
Oh, man! You're kidding me.

I mean, with a task like this,
it was made pretty clear

that they're not allowed to touch
the red green? Yes. The one thing

you wouldn't do is throw the potato
at the hole and hope for the best.

The potato would be stranded.
It'd be stranded. You wouldn't

be able to retrieve it.
You wouldn't be able to get to it.

So you'd think of a way around that.
No-one would just do that, right?

Who do you want to see first?
Katherine and Richard? Yes, please.

Now how am I going to get it?
Don't know.

I could risk it.

Oh, I'm going to
have to get something.

APPLAUSE

Should have thought
of that a while before.

Whoo!

Oh!

I'm not losing him again.
What's the plan?

I'm going to tie this potato,

sort of give it a lead,
so I don't lose it again.

We all love a game of get the potato
in the hole, an old Irish game.

Are you happy you didn't
touch the red green?

I don't think I did.

LAUGHTER

Not that time.

No problem.

Ah! Do you feel good?

I feel great.
Do you want your wellies back?

Yes, please.
Can I touch the red green now?

My initial impulse was where
did you get those wellies?

They're awesome. Yes.
And that was quickly replaced

by what happened when you worked
out a system that you could move

the green. Yeah.
You just moved it a little bit.

"Yeah, that'll do. I'm going to
tie the potato with some string."

Oh, no. I felt like,
unlike Richard Osman,

I should respect the red green
and, like, play the game.

You've invented a great game,
potato string.

Unfortunately for you, it's owned
by the makers of this programme.

This is why I'm really bad at
sports, I just can't work it out.

I can't, like...
Most sports are, like...

Can we have some
time-out for Katherine?

AUDIENCE: Aww!

Thank you. Most sports...

LAUGHTER

I feel that the crux
of every sport that I see is...

LAUGHTER
..is getting the ball in the hole.

Yes. I think, if they just...

SHE LAUGHS

Wow!

I don't care where the ball goes.

I don't care.

No. I'll never jump in front
of a ball or hurt myself.

I don't get it.
I know. I'm the same.

And when I inevitably take over
as king of this country,

I'm going to ban football.
So Richard is in the lead,

two minutes 13 in total.
And Katherine, six minutes 28.

Not bad. That's not that bad.

Who's next? Doc and Jon.

Uh-oh! What's wrong, Doc?

Up and in.

Bastard!

I can't get on the red, though, can
I? How do I retrieve the potato?

I didn't think about that.

I threw too early.

I'm screwed now.

This is obviously going
to add to my time but,

unless one of those other
jammy guys gets a hole in one,

I reckon I'll be all right.

Bastard!

Yes!
We're back to square one. Yeah.

Aye-ee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You stuck with your method.
Yeah, chucking it in the hole.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

What have you got?
Feeling confident.

Yeah, man. I'm going to keep this

for later tasks. Whoo!

That was great. Not many people
have the balls to call people out

with a crutch gaffer-taped
to a walking stick

gaffer-taped to a funnel.

The thing is, Greg,
I love sport so much.

I mean, Jon,
do you really run like that?

LAUGHTER

He did get it in
on his third attempt.

It took him one minute
and nine seconds. Wow!

APPLAUSE

How long did the shit Dalek take?

LAUGHTER

He took six minutes and 59 seconds.
Wow! I thought it was a long time.

APPLAUSE

So, it's just...
Just Joe Wilkinson to go.

Let's find out
how he did in part three.

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where Katherine Ryan

is desperately trying to win
her own flight companion voucher.

Alex, where are we? They've all been
throwing potatoes into a golf hole

and, once again,
Jon Richardson is in the lead

despite having the littlest legs
and we've just got Joe to see.

Fastest wins. Your time starts now.

Oh, we're off.

Er...

But what if I can't..?
If I don't get it...

There we go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You didn't think that
would happen, did you?

14.3 seconds. Spectacular.

I didn't think
you would do it at all.

"What if I missed?"

THEY LAUGH

Well done, Joe.

I'm really emotional. I think it's
the best thing I've ever done.

A good shot. Cheers.
Just going to pop that in there.

Job done.
All right. See you in a bit.

Yeah, cheers.
Well done, Joe.

JOE LAUGHS

Oh! Yeah.

Bye, Joe.

Cheers.

I don't know how you feel,
Katherine, but it made me like
sport.

It's incredible.
How were you feeling?

Instincts.

Laser-like accuracy.

And then I thought, "Piece of piss."

Did it another 17 times after that.

I liked what you said to Alex,
I don't know if you heard that

but you went, "You didn't think that
was going to happen, did you?"

LAUGHTER
Like you did.

LAUGHTER

It's incredible. It's so incredible,
I would like to see it again.

You want to see it again?
ALL: Yeah! OK. here it is again.

Oh! Oh!

That's done it!

Oh!

Ohhh!

LAUGHTER

Guys, sometimes it's hard
to be the Taskmaster.

Sometimes you've got to crush
dreams.

That's the most exciting
bit of sport I've ever seen.

Shut up, mate. It's not like you're
going back to an empty house.

LAUGHTER

You know, please don't
take it away from me.

Please. Please

God! I got a real sense
of power then for a second.

Joe, it's awful
because clearly you've got...

You've got an awful home life,
we've established that already.

I'm just speaking
as a fellow competitor,

I thought it was an
incredible achievement.

All right.
And if I had done what he had done,

I would have wanted the five points.
That's my view.

So I'd be happy to cede it to Joe
but, you know, it's up to you.

It's really strange, though, isn't
it? It's a really impassioned

and eloquent argument but makes me
more inclined to take it off him.

LAUGHTER
I'll tell you what I'm going to do,

and it's unprecedented and don't
think we're going to do this

for the rest of the series, cos
we're not. It's a one-off.

I'm going to allow your
fellow competitors to decide.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Oh, dear me. Good luck, mate.

We should send Joe out of the room
and take a vote. You should go.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

THEY LAUGH

Four of you there,
you've got one vote. So, I guess,

raise your hand if you'd
like Joe to win

despite the...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Yeah! Ooh!

So, you don't think
Joe should get it? No.

I think, if you really
analyse the slow-mo...

LAUGHTER

..those couple of centimetres
that he gains over the red,

were you to take them away
and it be a clean shot,

that potato would have been
all rim and bounced out.

LAUGHTER

Even that was lyrical, wasn't it?

That potato would have been
all rim and bounced out.

I tell you, those centimetres
were a crucial advantage.

Do you want to bring him back in
and deliver your verdict?

Yeah, yeah. He can come back in
but he can't step on the red.

LAUGHTER
Come back, Joe.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Joe, I gave your fellow contestants
the opportunity to save you

and they were unable
to conclusively do that.

Therefore, on this occasion,

I'm going to have to say that
your attempt was null and void.

I apologise.
AUDIENCE: Aww!

We did our best, mate.
That is harsh, that is harsh.

LAUGHTER

It's fucking harsh, I'm just saying.

It's harsh.
We fought for you, mate, but...

LAUGHTER

Alex, how has that affected
our scoreboard?

You've gone up in my respect,
if that was even possible.

I just think you're a wonderful
person. Thanks, mate.

The scoreboard now looks like this.

He's gone from first to last.
AUDIENCE: Oh!

OK, I think I will have another task
just to try and lift the mood

after that unexpectedly
genuinely harrowing moment.

LAUGHTER
Alex, what have we got next?

OK, we've got some language
difficulties. Have a look. Oh!

All right?

SHE DRUMS

You're Swedish or something.

HE MOUTHS

Find out the following information
from this Swedish person.

I thought you were Swedish.
LAUGHTER

Find out information
form this Swedish person.

I nailed that.
I already know all about you.

The Swedish person may not
speak or write in English.

The fastest, most accurate wins.

HE SIGHS

Time starts now.

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Interesting. I wonder if that will
affect the mood towards Joe there,

because the sigh as soon as he
found out the gentleman was Swedish

was bordering on racist.

I don't like 'em!

LAUGHTER

Shall we see clever clogs this time?
OK, we'll start with the big guys.

Richard and Joe. Yes.

What's your date of birth?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

OK.

The eighth month?

So, that's August, right? Ja.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
2nd of August.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

19...

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
..88.

Right.

50, 60, 70,

80. 81.

Ja. Excellent.

If I pay you money,
will you speak in English?

You will? Is that "aye"?
Is that "no"? Nej. No.

Father's job, again, is a...?
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Yeah, no chance there.

Can you do a mime of what the
job is? Ja.

Act it out for me.

Painter decorator. Ja.

Oh, God! That was so easy.

Are you frightened of anything?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Yeah, me too.

Your greatest fear. Is your greatest
fear an animal of some sort?

Nej.
Is it heights?

Nej.
Can it be described in one word?

Ja. Yeah.
Is the first letter between M and P?

Ja. Is the first letter P? Nej.

Is the first letter M? Ja.

Is the second letter a vowel? Ja.

Ah, this is mental.
Um, your greatest fear.

What is your greatest fear again?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

It sounds like...
It sounds like arse licking.

LAUGHTER

No. That's probably offensive.
Sorry.

Um, say again.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Yeah. Arse licking.

HE LAUGHS
This is insane.

Miss... Hold on. M-I-S-S-L-Y.

Am I missing something
obvious here, Alex? Sort of.

So, is it a fear of, er...?

Oh! How does it...?
How do I get any points?

I? Nej. J? Nej.
K? Ja.

L-Y-C-K.

This is not in English, right?

It's not in English, you're right.
So I'm not going to know the answer.

LAUGHTER

I cannot think of a way to get
this information out of you.

Do you know the word in English?
Ja. How many letters has it?

How...? Oh, God!

I genuinely can't
cope with this any more.

Is it G? Nej. H? Nej. I? Ja.

Fear of failure?
Pffff! Blimey, that's ironic.

APPLAUSE

And if there's any debate
about who of our contestants

would make the worst UN ambassador.

Um, there he is right there.

Incredible. I hated him. I...

I could see that in both
your eyes and your movements.

And the fact that the only
thing you managed to establish

was that he didn't have
an opinion on arse licking.

LAUGHTER

Yeah. Half a point.

Very impressive from you, Mr Osman.
Oh, it took a long time.

Give me some statistics.
Well, Richard was slow.

He took 17 minutes, but he got all
six items of information correct.

Whereas, Joe was quicker. You gave
up after 16 minutes and 20 seconds

after getting all six wrong.

I think it was both our fault.

What's next? Do you want to see
the little guys? Doc and Jon.

I want to see, oh,
little Jon Richardson.

What is your father's job?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

He's an animal?

A vet?
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

"Molar ray"? Ja.

Dentist? Nej.

Can you show me with your hands

what your father does at work?

Oh, he's a croupier.

Oh, he's a painter and decorator.
Amazing.

Croupier? Fucking idiot.

HE LAUGHS

I've really got to change
my lifestyle.

A lawyer? Nej.
Estate agent?

Nej. A teacher? Nej.

Is he unemployed? Nej.

Is he a poet? Nej.

Pretend you be your dad. Arrive
at work and do what your dad does.

A painter!

Motherfucker.

What would you say to describe me?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Finished? Ja.

Yeah. I don't know
if that's an insult or not.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Attractive?

JOHN LAUGHS

Quite tall?

Nej.

Is it to do with my height?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Quite small? Ja. Yeah.

Quite small. Short-haired.

This is not good for my self-esteem.

Did you describe me as tall? Nej.

Brown? Nej. Thank you.

Friendly?
THEY LAUGH

No. OK. Maybe it was an insult.

Hair? Ears?

Nej. Eyes? Yeah. Eyes?

Brown eyes? Nej.

Small eyes? Nej.

Evil eyes?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

Kind eyes? Yeah.
Kind eyes, that's nice.

It's a fun chat. It's a lovely
language, isn't it, Swedish?

I wish I understood it.
It would really cut that time down.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

APPLAUSE

I mean, a lot to enjoy there,
wasn't there?

From, er...
From the world-famous croupier mime.

I mean, what was said
about Jon by our Swede?

He has kind eyes. Short hair. He's
shorter than average. We know that.

A little beard.
Little beard. Little beard.

Quite a lot of information
being thrown at you. Got it all.

And yet another man,
just short hair. Bam!

Nailed. Done.

Doc never got that.
No, I never got it.

And Jon did get his way to that.
He was longer but more accurate.

How well did Doc do? He was very
quick. He only took ten minutes.

Just over ten minutes but only
got half the questions right.

That makes sense.
There was more chemistry with Doc.

We got on. I could sense...
You got on very well.

There was one moment where
you'd attempted certain strategies

and then you went incredibly
flirtatious with him.

Mm! Just one word. Do you want to
see "friendly"? Yeah, "friendly".

Friendly?
LAUGHTER

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

I mean, you can't
fake that chemistry.

I got his number, though,
so who's laughing now?

Yeah, you got the number wrong.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did we have some statistics for Jon?
I don't know whether you...

Er, yes. 15 minutes 26,
so he was the quickest

but he only got five right.
He never got misslyckas correct.

I didn't know. I didn't know. OK.
We'll see Katherine and the Swede

shortly. Plus, after the break,

all five will take to our stage
for the final task of the show.

Welcome back to the
final part of Taskmaster,

where four comics and one television
presenter slash producer...

LAUGHTER

..will soon find out
who has won not one

but two Guinness
world-record certificates.

Yes, but first
we need to see Katherine

tackling the current task of
finding out some information

from our Swedish friend Fred,
who is refusing to speak English.

OK. I'm calling my friend
Sofie Hagen. She's really cool.

You're trying to call a Danish
person? Yeah. It's the same, I
think.

"Hi, Katherine."
Hi, how are you? "How are you?"

I'm going to pass you to Fredrik,
who is going to say things in
Swedish.

If you understand any
Swedish from your Danish...

"Oh, God!" ..can you just
tell me what he's saying?

I'm going to ask him
what his greatest fear is.

Fredrik, what's your greatest fear?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

"Oh, fail."
Failing? To fail.

He's got a fear of failure.
Ja. Great.

Good job, Sofie. Now I'm going
to ask him his father's job.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

"A painter?"

Ja. Great.

Now I'm going to ask him
his favourite food.

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

"I got fried onions."

Uh-huh!
"And some kind of meatballs."

Steak?
"Oh, wait!" Roast beef?

Nej. "Roast beef?"
No, it's not roast beef.

Is it like a stew? Nej.
Is it like ground beef?

Ja. He likes ground beef, like
Hamburger Helper kind of thing?

Ja. Cooked potatoes is going
to be cooked potatoes. Ja.

Fried onions.
Was there anything else?

HE SPEAKS SWEDISH
The lingons at the end. Mushrooms?

Nej. Lingons? Lingon.

Thank you, Sofie Hagen.

OK. Lingon. Mm!

Swedish-English dictionary.

Berry? Mm-hm! It is?
It's a kind of berry called lingon?

Ja. Er, a strawberry? Blackberry?

Nej. Raspberry? Cranberry sauce?

Blueberry? Nej.

You're having a berry, though?
Lingon, lingon.

Lingonberry. It's like
a kind of berry in itself?

It has no translation.
HE SPEAKS SWEDISH

So that's it. Ja. Lingon.

Ja. Lingonberry. Ja.
So, are we done here? Ja.

Ah, let me stand here. So I win.

Ah, thank you.
That's OK.

APPLAUSE

Why you felt the need
to phone a Danish friend

when you were able to
translate things alone with

"cooked potatoes" for example.

The way that you untangled
that was incredible.

Um, statistically,
how did Katherine get on?

Well, despite
the lingonberry blind spot,

she was still quick, 15 minutes 41
and she got them all right.

So she won the task. Ah!

APPLAUSE

Richard also got them
all right but was slower.

And then Jon Richardson got one
wrong but took only 15 minutes.

So it goes,
one, two, three, then Doc.

And so, um, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Joe was last, right?
Joe was last. Yeah, yeah, sorry.

Good. Joe was last.
Sorry, by a long way. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

We've got some support workers
out there, it'll be fine.

We've only paid for
them for 48 hours.

You'll be safe for those two days.
Oh, it's hot, isn't it?

So all that means that the
scoreboard now, with one task to go,

looks like this.
Smashing!

APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

Tantalising. We need one
more task to sort this out.

Will you all, please, head to the
stage for the final task of the
show?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And there they all are.

Doc, can you please read the final
task out? There we go. All right.

Pack for your holiday.
All items must either be

packed in your hand luggage
or worn on your body.

LAUGHTER
Fastest wins.

Everything's got to be either
in there with the zip shut

or worn as if you were checking in.
You need to be checked in.

Simple as that, packing
for a holiday, fastest wins.

Any questions, contestants?
Do we take our blouses off?

LAUGHTER

No. OK. When you've finished,
just stand next to your bags.

Good luck. Are you ready, Joe?

Your time starts...now.

CHEERING

HE LAUGHS

Oh, that won't shut. It's got to
shut. It will shut, don't worry.

All these sweets have to go in.
I'm done, Alex. All the sweets?

Are we done? I think so. I don't
think you're wearing the bucket.

You can't wear a bucket.
You can wear a bucket.

Is he wearing a bucket?
I think so.

CHEERING

You can't wear a spade.
You can't wear a spade.

LAUGHTER

He's not wearing the pinata.

LAUGHTER

That's got to be shut.

You've got to do the zip up. I'm
never going to shut it. You have to
shut it.

I'm wearing it as a ring. There's
a lot of sweets. A lot of sweets.

LAUGHTER

OK.

Are you done? Yes.
Katherine Ryan is done.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think two people have given up,
so that's probably...

BLOWS WHISTLE
Thank you.

What a horrendous mess that was.

Alex, did that go as planned?
It went exactly as planned.

Er, I can tell you,
Katherine came in third

with two minutes 34. Nice.
We're happy with her outfit.

She was wearing
the pinata as a bracelet.

As an accessory, yep.
Perfectly acceptable.

Jon, two minutes and four
seconds in second place. Richard

won with one minute and 18 seconds.
Wow!

And these two didn't finish.

It went to form, really, didn't it?

You were a fabulously
destructive force on that.

Yeah, well, I thought
I had nothing to play for.

Then I thought I cut my knuckle,
so I just laid into the pinata.
Oh, man!

Imagine the angry pinata-based rap
you're going to come up with.

LAUGHTER

Let's find out the final scores,
so that the winner

can finally get their hands
on those important documents.

We've totted it up and we can
now see the final league table.

Ah! AUDIENCE: Oh!

APPLAUSE

A triumph for Richard Osman.

Please, go up
and collect your documents.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, thank you, Alex.
Thank you, Greg.

Thank me?
Yes, you're right. Thank me.

And what have we learnt today? Well,
we've learnt that life can be cruel.

One day, you're
a happily married sporting hero

and the next, you're
a lonely potato-throwing cheat...

LAUGHTER

..with no future.
LAUGHTER

We've also learnt
that tonight's episode

is won by Mr Richard Osman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you, everybody. Goodnight!

Subtitles by Ericsson