Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 9 - A Show About Pedantry - full transcript

As the series nears its conclusion, Mae Martin becomes uncharacteristically forgetful. Jenny Eclair loses track of time. And Ivo Graham does some stamping.

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Brace! Brace! I'm bracing.

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

No, no, no!

No!

Agh!

Hello!

Whoo! Yes!

Welcome to Taskmaster with me,

your taskmaster Greg Davies.

Oh, you can feel it, can't you?

That end-of-series atmosphere.



Things are getting tense as we go
into this penultimate episode

with several of our competitors
jostling for the coveted top spot

that will lead them into
the Taskmaster history books.

Also, Ivo Graham is here.

It's at testing times like this that
our competitors might look

to the wisdom of those that have
trodden life's rocky path before.

I remember only too well the wisdom
my own grandmother

gave me the day before
a big swimming contest.

I wrote it down immediately,

and I hope it will inspire our brave
competitors tonight. She said,

"I can't feel my legs.

"Don't just stand there, boy.

"Call someone. Do something."

Worth thinking about, isn't it?



Please shout hello with your hands
to Frankie Boyle...

Ivo Graham!

Jenny Eclair!

Kiell Smith-Bynoe!

And Mae Martin!

And next to me, a man who drunkenly
confessed that, until the age of 14,

he thought that his penis
was an 11th finger

to be used for putting stamps
onto letters.

It's little Alex Horne!

I used to send a lot of letters
as a child.

I'll bet you did!

May I ask for a prize task, please?

You may indeed, you mighty steed.

This time, they've all brought
in what they believe

to be the sneakiest thing.

Greg will hand over five points
to the thing he thinks is sneakiest,

and then the sneaky winner
of the show will sneak home

with five sneaky things.

Hello, Jenny Eclair. Hello, Greg.
Hello, Alex.

What sneaky thing have you snuck in?

To represent sneakiness, I have
bought in a mask.

Well, this is the mask that Jenny
has brought in.

Oh-oh. Yeah.

I mean, honestly, how you're going
to sell this to me as sneaky

is a mystery to me.

What's behind the mask?

It's her own book. Yeah.

This came out and it didn't
really get the publicity

I felt it deserved.

So I thought if I could sneak
it on a programme...

..and they'll all buy it!

Jenny, I take it all back.

You are one sneaky snake.

Hey, Frankie, what have you brought
in? I've brought in a book.

It's a children's book
called Orlando The Marmalade Cat.

Here it is. It has a virtue

in that it would send my children,
when they were little,

straight to sleep.

But what I found was they were
quite resistant

to Orlando, the marmalade cat,
being brought out.

They learned that it was
essentially chloroform.

And thus, I got an artist friend
to knock up a fake cover,

which was this...

And what I would do is I'd start
to improvise some of Harry Potter

in The Kung Fu Death Cult,

and then I would gradually go
into the soothing rhythms

of Orlando's Seaside Holiday.

Lovely work. Oh, God. Yeah.
So far... Unusually good.

..those are both great prizes.

Oh-oh, Ivo.

Oh, dear. I've got some great news
for you.

It's another book, and it's
the sneakiest book of them all.

It's the English dictionary.

Here it is. Sneaky.

What a fickle mistress our
language is.

What I'm interested in, Ivo,
and I suspect you know this,

is how you define that book
as sneaky.

Well, let's open it up and find out.

Oh, my goodness!

It's not a book. It's a box.

What's in the book?

Because I know that you're missing
the dictionary, Greg.

So, just for you, I've chucked in...

Here we go.

..the smallest dictionary
in the world.

Are you excited to have Pearson's
Miniature Dictionary in your pocket?

Oh, God! I wouldn't say I'm in
any way excited.

Hello, Mae! Hi.
Can you beat a sneaky dictionary?

I hope so, yeah.

Yes, I think that the sneakiest
thing is a knock-knock joke.

This is what Mae's brought in.

OK, so...

What if you didn't realise

but you already know the answer to
the knock-knock joke?

Because part of it is currently
in one of your breast pockets.

Have a look, Greg. Oh, dear.

It says "Mae". That's not the full
answer.

What if, without knowing it,

Kiell also had part of the answer
on his person?

Look in your pocket, Kiell.

Other one!

This one.

"Pinhead".

That's my nickname.

Ivo, have a look in your pocket
as well. I get to be part of it!

Oh, I've got it.

OK? Martin.

So why Martin's there...
Mae, Pinhead, Martin.

I didn't think hard about the joke
itself.

It was more about, like,
the delivery of the joke.

That was sneaky.

I also got Alex's wife to mail me
two of his socks.

Double sneak!

That's very weird.

Kiell, the heat is on.

It is, isn't it? Yeah.

There's been a lot of literature,
all written,

and they couldn't be written
without this.

It's a pen.
Do you recognise that pen?

I do not.

Do you recognise this?

Oh, yes.

Yeah, I signed that.
You signed this? Yeah.

They told me that Tseikna had passed
a test of some kind! Yeah.

Oh, that is good.

But that's not all.

Because when you signed this,
you said...

Who's this character?
Well done for your five points.

Yeah.

And that was recorded on that pen.

It's a spy pen.

God! All I'm thinking was, how long
was it in the room?

But that's not all!

Because the name Tseikna Ensgith
is an anagram

of "sneakiest thing".

Wow.

Wow!

This is impossible to judge.

And yet...

Ivo's is the best.
We can agree on that, can't we?

Yes.

I think we should give him
two points. OK. OK.

I can't differentiate
between Mae, Jenny and Frankie

is the truth of it.
So how many points for that?

I'm going to give them four points.

And anyone who does a three-tier
sneak on me deserves the five.

There we go. Five points to Kiell!

Good stuff.

Please can we watch a nice little
film, Alex?

Oh, go on, then, you big brute.

This is a nice, messy team one.

Hello.

Hello, team. Hi. Hello.

There are three spots.

You must each go to a spot, please.

Speedy of me.

I wanted to read the task.

I don't mind who goes where.

And how did you make that decision?

Frank started walking.
It was too late.

Make these things
the same colour as those things.

People on bottles must stay
on their spots at all times.

You may perform ten bottle stamps...

..and two bottles squeezes.

Best colour matches wins.

You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

What are we allowed to move?

I have this.

The easel's allowed to move.

Frisbee me the easel, old chap.

OK. This is quite key.

OK.

So you're aiming for this.

I'm really glad I didn't go
over there. Yeah.

Well, it's...it's quite
the sentence,

"Frisbee me the easel, old chap."

It's a palette. It's a palette.

If that's the worst thing
about this task, I'm happy.

Just to be clear, the plan
is to load it up with paint

and then to throw it back.

That is the plan.

We've got that carnage
to look forward to, then.

Shall we crack on? OK.
Well, here are the three-ers.

I can see the aubergine, potato
at the back. And then mango's easy.

Red and green. Well, shall we not
start with the potato?

We should start with the potato.
OK. Cos that is white and yellow.

White and yellow. OK, Jenny, why
don't you try the yellow first?

OK. How many minutes have we got
for this? You've got eight left.

Oh, God, no. Go, go, go! OK.

That's white!

Oh, no, they have the wrong colour.

OK, they've screwed us over.
You wanted some white.

You did want some white. That's
rude. OK, there's blue in this.

This is yellow.
OK, do yellow, Kiell.

Yellow. OK. You ready?
Are you doing your stamp? Yeah.

Fucking brilliant.

OK, three, two, one.

Nice one. Nice one.
You've got enough on the palate.

Great. That's potato.
You're doing beautifully.

What's the middle one?
It's mango. Which is red and green.

Red and green. This is black,
I think.

Let's just get another colour going.

If I give you some blue,
then you can make some green. Great.

I'm hoping this is blue.

Ready?

So sorry.

We've only got one squeeze left.
This is it.

Yes. Great.

OK. All right, red's coming.

Some red coming.

That's it.

Yeah. That's enough red for
the mango.

Right. You've got one and a half
minutes.

I need, like, black.

Black coming to you? Yeah.

We've got, like, 30 seconds.

You ready for this?

It's coming. It's there.

Why am I so shit at this?

Oh, shit. We got some yellow
on the mango.

Well done, Mae.

Sometimes in Taskmaster, I find
that you hear lines

that belong somewhere else.

And Jenny did a line that belonged
in an action thriller film

when she realised it was the wrong
colour and went,

"Huh! They screwed us over!"

Overall, I thought teamwork
was genuinely touching.

It was good. Mae at one point said,

"Guys, we need to
think about the potato."

That's the end of part one.

If you have a child under ten,
you've just got time to go

and wake them up and say you've had
a bad dream before screaming,

"There! How do you like it?

"Good luck concentrating
at school tomorrow!

"PS, I've wet myself."

Hello!

No, it can't be. It is.

It's the start of part two,

and the current team task involves
matching colours with paints

and vegetables and fruits
and things like that.

They're trying to match the colours
of an aubergine, a potato

and a mango by mixing paints,

only the paints have to travel
to the painter first.

Just the team of two to go.
Let's see how they got on.

Frankie? Yes?

Are you sure there's nothing
we're...like...?

No.

Ooh!

Paint them white!

It says the same colours.

Do you really think if we paint
those white,

that will be not a colour?
Have you see the show?

It's a show about pedantry.

So you could just put two colours
on there.

We'll paint that and those.
Brilliant.

A compromise between our two
methods. Right.

So one long squeeze of yellow.

One squeeze of red.

It's white.

That's one squeeze.

It's white.

Duh...

That's...

It's the same absence of colour.

Well, you're stamping now.
Stamp me a couple of colours.

But that's...
Not white. It's not colour.

That's one stamp.

We need a lot more.
Just stamp right on it.

Stamp on it.

That's an absence of a colour
as well.

No, don't do that.
We can use the blue.

Yeah. So I'm starting again
on this side.

Right.

You happy with that?

I'm pretty happy.

Right, wing it to me, baby.

Don't mess this because I can't get
off this thing.

I think I'm near the end
of my stamps.

You've got two left. Ah, OK.

Where was the mask when I was
stamping into my own face?

Just leap. Leap with your heels.

Leap?

You've still got one more stamp.

Just do it better.

I don't think that helped.

That's the end of your time.

So, you probably wouldn't describe
yourself as a natural stamper?

No. I thought you got better at it.

I thought that you learnt the art
of stamping during this task.

Can I just say, I think his stamp
improved after I said,

"Pretend it's your father."

The task was just make these things
the same colour as those things.

So to make them all the same colour
is very clever...

Very clever. ..if they could pull
it off. Yeah.

Shall we have a look at them, then?
I cannot wait. OK.

So the team of three tried
to make the white items

look like the original items,
and that's what they did.

That is so good.

This is the team of 2's attempt.

Oh! Oh...

But again, both quite good.

Really good.

Smaller team, wetter conditions.

Better outside-the-box thinking.

Give us some fucking points.

Didn't Ivo come off his circle?

Didn't Jenny take more than
two squeezes?

I don't think so.

Yeah, there were one too many
squeezes.

And Ivo did step off the spot.

Right, so I could disqualify
them both

and there'll be no points all round.

Or because there was a mistake
on both teams, we can overlook it.

I'm happy that they cancel
each other out.

I think that's fair enough.

It's not up to me.

That's right, Jenny.

That's right.

Five points to everyone.

They all win!

I've got the scores for you.
It's so exciting.

Ivo's on 7, and then three people on
9, and Kiell on 10 points.

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

OK. What have we got next?

Well, we've got another team task.

Not really, no.
It's prize task time.

No, it isn't. Twice there, I was
having a big laugh

about what's next in the show.

But it's actually time for us
all to learn some valuable lessons.

Who's that?

It's me.

Oh, two envelopes. Mm-hm.

A little theatre, perhaps.

Markers. Chalks. Felt tips.

Oh, a sudden rush of blood to
my groin at the sight of those.

Lovely.

Shall I read them both? No.

Oh, just pick one? No.

No.

Which one do you want to read?

That one. Correct. Yeah.

Put three single-digit numbers
in the slots,

then open the second task.

A two going in there. Lovely, mm-hm.

Can I read this? Mm-hm. OK.

Deliver a one-minute lecture
about the year you selected.

Hmm.

Your lecture must start
in 15 minutes from now.

Most informative lecture wins.

You may not leave the lab.

Ivo, you selected the year...1125.

1123.

Oh, it's the year 1500.

Of course there was a one
in front of it!

Shit!

Fuck! Why did I do that?

1417 - what was going on then?

Presumably Hastings
is recovering from a big war.

It's 500 years after
the Battle of Hastings.

Ish!

Oh, God. Oh, now I'm going into
foetal position now

because this is so awful. 1642.

It's not...Pangea?

Pardon? You know, when all
the Earth was just one chunk.

Oh, I see. Right. Yeah.
No, no, no. No.

You've written "germs".

Yeah. I'm trying to write down
a list of things

that people didn't know in 1417.

Right.

So...

Witches. When were witches?

I just need to go to the loo.
Can I just go to the loo?

Not allowed to go to the loo.
Can't I go to the loo?

I've started a period.

I've started a period, Alex.

Jesus died...we think ground zero.

Was Huw Edwards about then?

The Sword in the stone. Excalibur!
Merlin.

It seems to me at this stage
that the only historical event

that anyone here is aware of
is 1066.

Can I just point out that Ivo
and I have a really similar year?

And Ivo went to Eton, and I spent
high school on acid.

I didn't go to high school!

Odd to look at our two outfits
and think that you're the acid one!

Yeah.

OK. First up to the lectern
are Dr Graham and Doc Martin.

Your minute starts on the whistle.

1123. The year is not 1124 or 1122.

Rome has fallen.

"This is medieval!"

Something you could shout
at literally any point in 1125.

Who? William I,
the Conqueror - dead.

But his son or relative,
William II,

William Rufus, I think is king.

Christianity sweeps Europe.

We're talking monotheism, baby.

When? 1145.
What? fighting illness.

Why? Life hard. Death frequent.
Tension constant.

We're very far from the Renaissance.

Monks - some are bald.

The UK... I didn't include Ireland

because I was mainly focused on
this. I'm sorry.

The main threat was from France.
Constant threat.

1123 - numerically -
1 + 1 + 2 + 3 = 7.

Seventh letter the alphabet - G.

G - God, aka, what I said before,

Christianity sweeping Europe

because Rome has fallen.

I've also done on my own family tree
to put myself into the story.

I'm one of three.

My parents. Ran slightly out of
time.

Oh, no, I'm inbred.

There's some stuff in there.

Yeah, there's some stuff in there.

I wonder if any of it's true.

Thanks for having me again.
Thanks, Ivo.

Well done. Well done.

When I was a kid, the BBC
would play Open University films,

and it was always some eccentric
professor sort of rabbiting on

about something that, as a child,
you didn't understand,

and I was taken right back there,
Ivo. Yes.

We had a historian called Dan Jones
to verify your facts.

Right up to whether he's inbred?

You said that everyone could shout
"medieval".

That was your opening gambit. Yeah.

Yes. 1125 was medieval,
from our perspective.

But could you shout it in 1125?

No, because the concept is a product
of the Reformation.

Oh, come on Dan Jones,
give me a break!

You will not speak
over the historian's words.

Dan Jones is a piece of shit.

Can you get money back from Eton?

I didn't know you'd been on my dad's
search history.

Mae did all right.

Monotheism was the name
of the game everywhere. It was.

But that was the very broad
point that Mae made.

Rome is dead,
Christianity swept the world

are the only two facts I ticked off.

And then you did some spurious
maths equation.

I have a beautiful mind.

OK. Now to experts on the classic
years 1417 and 1500.

It's Frankie and Kiell.

Welcome to my lecture on Britain
in 14...17!

1500...or so.

What do we know about Britain then?

We don't know who the king was.

All we know is that he was some sort
of brutal English bastard.

Things they didn't know about then

include germs, atomic theory,
radio waves, central heating,

the rapture and tobacco.

It was a good year for farmers.

Britain, as a concept,
didn't fully exist yet

and we didn't have a sense
of British identity.

Water...

..wasn't invented in 1500s
but used in the 1500s.

Yes!

That is what happened in 1417!

10 seconds left. Is that real? What?

That's like... Um... 1500 -

there was a lot going on, there was
witches...they came later.

What they do have in the 1500s

that they still have now is, like,
dogs and people and huts.

That's a minute.

Was that a real minute?!

I had so much prepared.

I think it was pretty informative.

Some of it was true.

Fine, Frankie. Thank you.

Yeah. Did Frankie tell us
anything that happened in 1417?

I mean, the man forgot his year
as he started.

Dan Jones might think differently.

Dan agrees there was no fully
formed sense of British identity

at the time. Yep.

And Frankie's summary list of stuff
we didn't know about in Britain

is largely correct.
Largely correct! Yes.

Kiell, I think you're going to clean
up on this. Yeah, same.

We don't even need to ask Dan
whether there were dogs,

people and huts.

Let's zoom in on -
water hadn't been invented yet,

but it was being used.

Dan says the water thing
is unarguable.

I've never heard it put
like that before, though.

OK, it's the end of part two.
While we pause and reflect,

pour your partner
another glass of wine.

The drunker you get them, the less
chance they'll make it to bed,

and you can star-fish in
a snore-free environment at last!

My God, that wedding day is a blip
in your rear-view mirror, isn't it?

Hello again!
It's part three of Taskmaster

and it's about time we continued
our education.

There's only one person left
to deliver their one-minute lesson.

One minute on the year 1642.

Here is Jenny's minute.

Hello. Hello. Hello, everybody.

It's a joy to be at the campus
this afternoon to spend some time

with you all. So I'd like to begin
the lecture today by writing 1642.

Now, does anybody in the audience

know what the significance of
this date 1642 is?

It's a time of turmoil.

It's a time of conflict,
it's a time of weather

and it's a time of women

really not having the kind
of underwear that we have today.

We have little pants, don't we?

And bras. I think men might have
been wearing the codpiece,

but we're not concentrating on
them at the moment.

You see,
this is what they didn't have.

Women didn't have that.
They didn't have the pill either.

And they didn't have Ryvita.

Quite often, you know, depending
on your budget and stuff like that,

people liked to have swans in 1642.

That's a swan now.

But in 1642,
they were slightly different.

They were more like that.

So, does anybody have any questions?

Was that a minute? Roughly, yeah.

Do you want me to blow my whistle?
Yes, please.

Thanks, Jenny. Thank you very much.
Great work.

Five minutes, 29 seconds.

I tried to stop you,
but it was not possible.

What did Dan have to say about
Jenny's long, LONG lecture?

Well, Dan says, "I'm not an expert
on women's underwear,

"but I did a quick google."

Yeah. She's about right on
the women's underwear.

Codpiece - you're wrong. The heyday
of the codpiece had finished

about 50 years previously.
Oh, my God.

That's one of your only facts.

I can't speak to the history
of Ryvita,

but Jenny's point does feel
plausible.

Shall I give some points out?

I'm awarding points according to how
many actual facts there were.

In Jenny's, there were two facts,

but you spoke for one week.

Kiell had minus one fact.

But because I enjoyed
both your lectures,

despite them being
clearly horse shit,

I'm going to give you two points
each. Congratulations.

Two to Jenny, two to Kiell.

We think it Mae actually
said one fact. Great.

Three points to Mae. OK?

Frankie had two facts.

So he gets four points!

Look how happy he is!

And at the top of the tree,

it's Professor Graham with five
sweet points.

Well done, Ivo Graham.

OK, task me rotten, Alex.

Ooh. I will. Right now,

get ready for some serious
perforation, Greg.

Hi, Frankie. Wotcher.

There's quite a lot of bird shit.

Hello. All right?

OK.

Make exactly 99 holes
in this piece of paper.

Your holes must have a...diameter
of at least three millimetres.

And form a recognisable
picture or pattern.

If you make more or fewer than
99 holes, you are disqualified.

Hmm.

Also, if you look at Alex
or speak to Alex at any point,

you are disqualified.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

That's a sneaky little trick of
yours - no speaking to you,

no looking at you. Hmm. Cos it's
quite a simple task.

Just make 99 holes as fast
as possible. Of course.

But they're used to speaking
and looking at you.

So people are going to fall at that
hurdle, even sneaky little boy.

Well, maybe they won't.
Maybe they will.

Do you want to see? Yeah. OK.

I know someone who's been
looking forward to seeing this one,

and it's you, Mae Martin.

I can't look at you or speak to you.

Ah-ha.

What's going on here?

I shouldn't use brute force on...

I looked at you.

Well, you're still looking at me,
in a way.

Well, what do you want to do?

I don't know. I'm disqualified.

I'm so sorry to my parents.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

It's so sweet that you can feel
that sympathetic

but, as my auntie used to say,
Mae shat in the milk.

Within seconds they looked at me,

and we looked at each other
and I was happy, and you were sad.

Yeah.

It's happening now.
I'm lost in your eyes right now.

I can't look away.

Maybe every single one of these
people have made the same mistake.

Wouldn't that be great? Oh, that
would amazing.

What if there's worst mistakes?

Did you actually shit in some milk?

Who are we going to see now, Alex?
OK, well, I'm very excited

to announce an incredibly
special guest.

It's one of the biggest
reality stars in the world.

It's Kylie Jenner...

No, sorry, it's Kiell and Jenny.

Now...

Are you OK?

Kiell?

Do you understand all the rules?
I understand all the rules...

What? What?

That's not fair.

Oh, no, no, no.

I was being polite.

I'm not stopping. I'm doing this.

I don't care.

Oh, this is mean.

That was the meanest thing
I've ever heard anybody do.

Nasty, nasty trickery.

Why are you taking your shoe off?

I'm going to use my...this.

I've got weak hands.

Right.

10.

40. Hang on.

80. 16.

96.

You all right?

20...

Am I allowed to use anything
that's in this area? Absolutely.

What's this paper made out of?

Who are you asking that to?

Better than a shoelace?
Yeah. Good.

This piece of paper?

I'm just going to write shit.

Right. About me?

Yeah.

Shall I stop the clock?

I've stopped the clock.

You can look at me if you want.

I'm not really talking to you.

There - 99.

Right, I've stopped the clock.

That's a lovely pattern.

These don't count,
and that should not be counted.

Thank you very much indeed.

You're joking!

You delight me, Kiell,
you have across the whole series

by how angry Alex's little nerdy
little traps make you.

You cannot write on this paper
on a piece of paper.

I don't think that was a sneaky
trick.

There was an enormous piece
of green paper.

You're joking?!

Jenny, why did you carry on when you
knew that you'd been disqualified?

I thought I might enjoy the task.

She did the holes very well.

She doubled up the paper,
which is very clever, quite quick.

Yeah. And she did 109 holes.

What was Kiell's hole count?

99.

Yeah, he definitely never
looked at me.

And, well, he barely spoke to me
during the whole process, so...yeah.

Yeah, I mean, let's put it out
there.

Kiell does not like Alex!

It's the end of part three.

Join us again for the last part
of the show, when one lucky winner

will take home
a knock-knock joke and a pen. Whoo!

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster, it's the
last part of show nine.

There is still a task to finish,
though, and in it

they have to puncture 99 holes
in a piece of paper

in a recognisable picture
or pattern

and, most importantly, they can't
look at or speak to me.

Two left - Frankie and Ivo.

This golf tee seems an early fave.

Ah.

Do be careful.

This hole punch -
certainly not to be sniffed at.

What number are we on?

And what does that first hole
represent?

I am focusing on my job.

Happy with the tools?

Frankie?

18...19... Positively demonic.

20, 21.

That must be about, what, 65? 84?

26, 27. I've lost count.
One, two, three, four...

72? 38? 64?

Shall I stop the clock?

Check it again. Exactly 99?
Yes. And that's my face.

I've stopped the clock.

But I sensed that Ivo's way
of dissipating

the irritation and stress that Alex
was trying to cause

was just to keep talking.

Block him out with my own miserable
internal monologue.

And it was very effective.

Frankie's was different,
and it was to absorb it all

to the point where I genuinely
thought

that you might throw those scissors
at him.

But both men did a lovely drawing.
Lovely drawings,

consisting of 99 holes exactly,
each of them. Whoa. Yeah.

And fast. Kiell was 11 minutes 47,

cos he didn't see the enormous
piece of paper.

No, they're the bad ones. They're
not the good ones.

Frankie - five minutes 51.

Oh. Much, much quicker.

Ivo - five minutes and nine seconds.

Impressive stuff. Wow.

How did I do?

You were very, very quick -
15 seconds.

There's only one question,
I think, with one of them,

which I want to play a clip
to get your judgment on.

Oh, yeah, sure. Have a look at this
and see if anyone's broken a rule.

22. 23.

It's got to be a recognisable
picture. 24. You'll recognize...

You, plural,

will recognise it at home.

25, 26, 27. I've lost count.

It's cruel as it is undeniable.

You just couldn't shut the fuck up,
could you, Ivo?

Which means it zero points to Ivo,
as well as Mae and Jenny.

Four to Kiell,
but five to Frankie Boyle.

A last look at the scores
before I launch them one by one

onto the stage.
Quite right, too.

Yes, it's turned it into a bit of
a two-horse race,

which is between Kiell and Frankie,
who's in the lead with 18 points.

OK. Please head up to the stage
for the final task of the show!

Hello, young fellow, my lad.

Hello, mate.

Who will be reading the task out?

My favourite one, Kiell.

Whoa! Ohh.
I'm trying to win him back.

No chance, mate. No?

Combine two of your things

to equal the height of the thing
said by Greg.

You may not use
any of your things twice.

Worst guess each round is
eliminated.

So they've got 30 seconds
to combine two things

to equal the height of what,
Greg, in round one?

Reese Witherspoon!
Have a look at your paddles.

Combine two things to be the height
of Reese Witherspoon.

Remember, you don't
need to show us or squat.

No changing. Thank you.

So you may now exchange your paddles
for the objects.

Over or through the gaps. Fine.

She's ever so tall!

Would you like me to get Reese
Witherspoon out? I really would.

I think Jenny's
going to be disappointed.

Here she comes. Right. Ohh!

So how tall is Reese Witherspoon?

Reese is a little bit smaller
than a chicken standing on a cello.

She's about the same as the chicken
sitting on a cello.

So I'm going to compare it to the...

What is that? ..a traffic cone
on a cello. Let's have a look.

The difference in centimetres is...

..49cm! All right.

I thought she might be wearing
heels!

49cm to beat.

Great game. She's 27cm taller than

a chicken standing on
a space hopper.

We've lost Jenny Eclair!

Is that my present? An old lady
chair?

Yes.

Like in the chemist.

Next up, Greg is...?

The Taskmaster's inside leg.

Off you go.

Three, two, one.

Yes.

I had have gone for that.

Oh, dear.

OK...

That's an interesting association.

What we were looking for, of course,
is a meerkat on a space hopper.

We haven't got that.
We've got four warthogs.

Well, here is the inner leg.

The slit goes all the way
to the right there.

That's where he is compared to me.

No, I think we've found our loser.
Yeah.

That means we have lost
Frankie Boyle.

Unlucky, Frankie. So sorry, Frankie.

What's round three, Greg?

Alpaca.

It is an adult male alpaca, please.

OK. Swap away.

Ohh!

Interesting. Oh-oh-oh!

They look taller in the advert.

Let's get out an alpaca and see
how he compares to that.

Out you pop! Here he is.

Oh!

Oh, he's big. He's big.
He's a big one.

Oh, what a big lad.
I think we know who's safe.

Congratulations, Ivo.
You've made it to the final.

Yes. Well done.

So it's a tie-break to see
who gets through to the final.

All you've got to do in
the tie-break

is write on the back of your meerkat

how tall do you think a meerkat
and a traffic cone is,

combined, in centimetres.
Closest guess wins.

You've got ten seconds.

Have you finished?

Kiell, what is your answer?

90.

OK. What's your answer, Mae?

I put 84.

The correct answer
is 108 centimetres.

Kiell's in the final.
Well done, Kiell!

All right.
So it's the final.

Looking forward to the final, guys?

Well, I've only got one paddle left,

so I assume there's
a thrilling twist.

The last item is, Greg?

Yoda.

Exchange your paddle for the thing
you think

is the same height as Yoda.

Ah, I dunno.

Is Yoda the same height as a space
hopper or a standing-up chicken?

I genuinely don't know.

He's not tall. No, he's little.
We know that.

Short...

Here he is.

It's still...

It's still close. I can't tell.

Oh, it is close.

Or this.

We have a 9cm difference
and an 11cm difference.

We have a winner!

Right, we'll add those up
and add them to your final scores.

Come and join me.

Well, now. Well, now, Greg.

So in the task, Jenny, of course,
one point,

two to Frankie, three to Mae,

four to Ivo,
five to Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

Well done.

Yeah.

Very good. Very good.

And with one episode to go,
it's tightened things up.

It's a two-horse race
for the overall winner.

There is now seven points
separating Mae and Kiell.

It's exciting.

And this episode, it's his third
win in a row.

Once more, the winner is
Kiell Smith-Bynoe!

Kiell Smith-Bynoe wins!

Please sneak up to slip away
with your sneaky win!

So...what have we learned today?

You may think you know someone,
your friends, your family,

but everyone is capable
of being sneaky.

Even me.

Open your mouth.

Jenny Eclair's new book is out now.

Just one sweet final to go,

but just one sweet winner tonight,

and that person was Kiell
Smith-Bynoe!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media