Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 8 - 100% Bosco - full transcript

Frankie Boyle does some interesting dancing. Kiell Smith-Bynoe sets a trap. And Mae Martin once again employs their cunning.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Brace, brace! I'm bracing!

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Hmm!

No, no, no, no!

No!

Ahh!

What?!

Hello! Hello, everyone. Hello.

I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

It's funny what counts
as entertainment these days.

We see people clamouring
for true crime stories,



and anyone can start a podcast
and chat about socks or whatever,

but what happened to
the good old-fashioned tradition

of humiliating people?

As a young man,

my father regularly pulled my
trousers down at public events...

..and I always found it funny,

even during the backlash
at my grandmother's funeral.

Can we please get back
to wholesome fun? Can we?

It's a complicated world, guys,
let's pull together.

Let's identify the victims,
and all pile on.

Boop-boop! Oh,
here comes the victim train now.

Please welcome Frankie Boyle,

Ivo Graham,

Jenny Eclair,



Kiell Smith-Bynoe,

and Mae Martin.

And next to me,
a man who told me his father

has only ever given him
one Christmas present in his life,

a beautifully wrapped
piece of Welsh slate

that had one solitary
word engraved upon it.

That word? Toad.

It's...
..little Alex Horne!

Hi, Dad.

Hello, everyone.

Well. What have you got for me?

Well, I've invented a new
feature for the show. Oh!

It's called Taskmaster Karaoke. Yes.

Yes. So, all you've got to do

is turn down the volume of your TVs
and turn on the subtitles

and then you can speak along
with the show.

I think you can do this
with any TV show.

I think it's a really good idea.

It's really good.
I don't know, it might be fun.

It's a really good thing. Yeah!
It might be fun, it might catch on.

I do it with the news.

And, uh, is all well with the world?

Shall we begin with the prize task?

Yes, we have to,
because that's the format

and we're simply the eye candy, Greg.
Let's go.

This week they've been
asked to bring in

the best thing you take
everywhere with you

but struggle to fit in your bag.

Best ill-fitting thing
wins five points

and the best winner of
the show takes them all home

in a skip-sized bag, Greg.

Right, first up, Frankie.

It's a struggle
because I do take it everywhere.

This photograph of when
I was doing a gig

and my son wandered onstage
to tell a joke.

He's 6'1" now but he, uh,

had a uniquely penetrating voice
as a child

and I took him to
the Scotland women's football game.

The women's football, they all have
their hair up in some fashion,

it's all scrunched up in some way,

and he had a look around and went,

"There's a lot of
tight buns out there."

Quite the voice he had on him.

Quite the voice,

and he was going to tell a joke
which, little did that crowd know,

would have been
at an astonishing volume

but he didn't, I didn't let him.

Do you know what the joke
was that he had planned?

He was simply going to say
the word, "Yellow."

How big is it?
Don't look that big.

Hmm, it's not that big
but I have quite a small bag.

Ivo, what did you bring in?

I'm going to, unusually,

follow Frankie down
a sentimental route. Hmm.

I've had very few points
for LOLs-based prize tasks,

so here's some goddamn feeling.

You sound like a psychopath.

I've brought in one
of several puzzles that I do

with my daughter, who is three.

Here it is.

My daughter and I will occasionally
have to kill half an hour

between nursery and ballet,
for example.

Nursery for her, ballet for you?
That's exactly it.

Obviously, the box
is an absolute faff,

so what I've taken to doing is
pouring out the pieces of the puzzle

and, while this is very useful
for compact packing,

it does mean that occasionally
I've just got random pieces of

dismembered horse just rolling
around the bottom of my bag.

I think I enjoyed it. Thanks. OK.

Jenny, what have you brought in
that's massive and you carry around?

I get very tired, Greg, I don't
know about you. Oh, God.

But you know when...
You have no idea.

Most of the time
I just want to lie down,

so it's an inflatable bed.

Yeah.

It's a small double.
It's a small double!

I think the fact that you carry
a bed round with you is insane.

Have you ever considered that
that's maybe why you're tired?

David Schwimmer always
sleeps on an inflatable bed.

Even at home?

Why does David Schwimmer sleep
in an inflatable bed?

It's...it's...it's a guess.

Very good. Kiell. GD.

Can you beat these three?

Well, I mean,
mine's the same as Jenny's.

A folding chair.

Do you carry it around
with you, really?

- Occasionally.
- Yeah!

I saw a make-up artist do it once,
and I was like, "That's sick."

Would it help if I told you that

Matthew Perry always sits
on a folding chair?

I think that's true.

One left. OK.
It's up to you to save this, Mae.

It's not going to happen.

Whatever it is, I can't wait to hear
about Jennifer Aniston using it.

What I bring around everywhere
is a very fine...

- ..whisky.
- A very fine whh-isky.

Yeah. Do continue.

Uh, in a flask. We can have
a look at it. Here it is.

This is the reason I wish
I'd gone before Frankie,

because I also have
a very small bag,

and I have also, like,
a really tiny wallet.

Tiny phone.

When Frankie said,
"Oh, I've got a really small bag,"

you went, "Arrggh!"

Did you see my face?

Yeah, it was exactly
the same as Kiell's face

when Jenny brought out the bed
which was better than the chair.

How's a bed better than a chair?
Bigger, better.

Wait, no. Yeah.

Because you can sit down
in public, right? Oh, yeah.

I can lie down in public, love,
nothing's going to stop me.

Why is your photograph of
a child better than a bed, Frankie?

Who gives a fuck?

I mean, unbelievably I'm going
to give the bed five points. Yeah!

Well done,
that's five points to Jenny.

Don't look at me, Kiell.
You don't even carry that.

You don't even carry
that bloody thing anywhere.

I mean,
I do like that Mae made an effort.

OK. You know, they put a joke
together but it's not a great one.

If you want to hear a good joke...

Yellow!

Even though these prizes
have been rubbish... Right.

..let's start the show on
a high-scoring, uplifting...

Why not? OK. Why not?

Let's say Jenny gets five,

and everyone else gets four.
Why not?

Well done, everyone.

We're off.

Do you have a fruit-based task
to start us off today, please?

Would've thought so.

Ready and...fetch!

Ah. Hi. Hello. Welcome to the club.

Oh, thank you so much.

Hello, Alex. Hmm, and you are?

Ivo Graham.

Ah, yes, your name is down,
you can come in.

You may not leave.

I may not leave? But you may
go anywhere in that direction.

This is the opposite
of when I go to clubs.

Trapped in VIP. Not a bad life.

I'm getting an intense
whiff of kind of...sewage.

Yeah. Anyway. Unless it's you?

"Pile the pineapples on the path."

"Pile the pineapples on the path."

"You must not get wet."

"Most pineapples piled on
the path wins."

"You have 15 minutes. Your time...

"..starts...

"..now."

This is the path? That's the path.

That's a couple of pineapples.
How many pineapples?

Hmm. There's the big gold pineapple,

there's a real pineapple,

there's a sort of little lampshade,

there's an inflatable pineapple.

I don't really know what's on
the inflatable pineapple but...

Oh, but it's clearly
a candyfloss pineapple.

It's a candyfloss pineapple.

And then, well, then there's a tin

which I reckon has got
some pineapples in.

Correct. Chunks.

OK, smelly bouncer, let's see them
retrieve some pineapples.
All right, then.

Our first two golden pineapple
retrievers are Frankie and Kiell.

OK, well, that's a start.
A magnet's a start.

Right.

Urgh, man.

That sort of made things worse.

Hmm.

Aw, man.

That's bad.

Wow, you really don't want
to get this near metal.

Well, let's look at it this way,

we've now anchored
that successfully.

Well, something happened.

Ow!

Oh, yeah!

I've gotta get some points for that.

Oh!

I'm just throwing a log
at a pineapple, aren't I?

What's that made out of?

Pineapple.

This whole time
you've watched me trying

to get that magnet
on a piece of rubber?

Yep.

Maybe it's my technique
that's wrong.

Good for distance.

Over here.

Oh, no, no, no. Look.

No, it's going to fall. Ahh!

Three minutes 40.

Something's in the water.

Gotcha.

One pineapple. Five to go.

Five?

Wait, that one's floating
down a bit.

45 seconds, Frankie.

One pineapple.

I think he's bloody got it.

Yes!

It was a slightly sad end.

Bye, Kiell.

Argh!

You all right?

No, good for you.

I'm glad.

Quite an act of aggression there,

kicking that one plant pot over.

Who knows what he's up to?

This is his life energy.

He hides those pineapples.

He'd be like...

Did you not notice the pineapples
or did you just not care?

I thought it was just
they'd left them there

to set up for
the next contestant.

I didn't think they were supposed
to anger me in any way. Oh, yeah.

I don't think that we had to be
on something that was magnetic.

I think that was a bad choice.

I couldn't have enjoyed it more.

You got twice as many pineapples
as Frankie, who got one.

If I had a good strategy for
fishing rubbish out of some sewage,

what sort of person would I be?

Very good.

It is the end of part one, then,

and if you can hear your neighbours
noisily making love

instead of watching Taskmaster,
just think,

maybe they are watching Taskmaster.

Maybe you're the one
doing this wrong.

Oh, hello.

You're just in the nick of time
for part two of Taskmaster.

Phew. Yes, we're in the thick of
a pineapple retrieval task.

Most pineapples piled up wins,

and we even put easy to retrieve ones
around the corner for them,

much easier to get than the ones
in the middle of the mill pond.

Now for the attempts of Jenny and

Ivo, Ivo, it's off to work he goes.

Does that, is that
the longest it'll go?

Yes, it's, it's not very good.

That's rubbish.

It's not long enough. Ah.

What does this do?

I don't think that's happening.

I don't know what to do.

I've done it.

I've done a Taskmaster task.

Five.

But I can't just sort
of rest on those laurels.

My trousers are falling down. Right.

What's this going to do?
Nothing. Nothing!

I can't even hear it any more.

Yeah, it's so far away.

If I had longer arms... Hmm.

Would you just pick up the pineapple?

Is it tethered?

It might be.

Use the scissors.

Nope.

I think standing in
the wheelbarrow's a nonstarter.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, my God.

Is she coming downstream?

Getting even one will be
the triumph of the century.

Come to Mummy. Come to Mummy.

Whoa... Oh, no!

Oh, oh...

Oh! Ooh...

I'm getting a bit wet,

but, like,
only magnet-retrieval wet,

not falling-off-a-wheelbarrow wet.

Two pineapples.

Right, come on.

Come on big boy.

Please. Please!

30 seconds. Pleeease!

Ah...Ah. Well done, well done.

Where's my chunks?

Oh, not more fucking pineapples.

How did Jenny do using her
come-to-Mummy long arms technique?

That technique yielded
zero pineapples

but when you cut the thread
that was tethering the pineapple,

she piled four pineapples. Not bad.

There were two little phrases
that came involuntarily out of Ivo

that I think
will come to define him.

At first,
I thought it was this one.

Please. Please!

Pleeease!

The escalating pleases haunted me.
Yep.

But, in fact,
I think this one cancelled it out.

Where's my chunks?

I loved, "Where's my chunks?"

I got "Where's my chunks?"
tattooed on my shin.

Love "Where's my chunks?"

I mean, he got loads of chunks,
didn't he? Yep.

We've doubled each time.
One, two, four, now nine!

One left. One left.

Of course, it's Mae Martin.

Are there any hidden pineapples?
That's what I want to know.

Like, there must be
hidden pineapples.

OK.

This is pretty good.

Ahh! Fuck!

No...no!
No, no, no, no, no.

One pineapple.

Oh.

Pineapple, I presume?

Yeah.

I like doing a task like this
where I'm just on my own,

and I don't have to deal
with anyone else's, uh...

..ideas.

You don't miss your team-mates?

No. No.

Could I have help? Yeah.

Thank you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, what is that?

There's a pineapple in there.

Five pineapples.

Urgh! OK.

Now I'm looking
for hidden pineapples.

Right, you've got five minutes
ten seconds.

Do you have a pen and paper?

Yeah.

13 pineapples there. Mm-hm.

I lost your pen!
Yeah, that was my pen.

OK, you're done, Mae.Oh, no.

Right. You owe me a pen.

I owe you a pen. Sorry.

Oh! No!

I just want to remind you that
Frankie has argued with such passion

that the word "banana" written
on a card constitutes a banana.

And I will argue that again.

A drawing of a pineapple
can be called a pineapple.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Kiell, wherever you go,
I'm ready to follow.

You did very well

bringing the prepared
pineapples out,

it's just whether I allow
the drawn pineapples, isn't it?

Well, it's not...
It's not a question.

There are several
pineapple effigies involved here

that aren't really pineapples.

They're a bit more real
than those drawings.

But all words and images
are metaphors

for the things they represent.

In no other environment does that
sentence get whoops and cheers.

I think Mae's pineapples
look more like the pineapple

than the candyfloss pineapple
as well.

Yeah. That you had designed
for the show that's your show

and we're trying to do our best on,

in a conventional fashion.

Also, let's...
I've got something else as well.

To go on some weird reverie about
how you like being on your own

cos your team-mates just ruin it
for you, and then immediately

saying to Alex, "Can you help me get
this pineapple out of the water?"

Pathetic.

I am going to allow
the drawn pineapples.

What?!

What, cos of the banana?

Because of the nature
of language, man!

So we're allowing the pineapples,
are we? I'm afraid we are.

Fuck's sake.

OK, well Frankie, well done.
You get one point.

Two to Kiell,
three to Jenny, four to Ivo

and five to Mae Martin!

Scoreboard time.

In this episode it's tight.

Frankie on the bottom with five,

Mae Martin's in the lead with
nine points. Here we are.

Do you have a really good
task standing by, Alex?

Let's have a look.

Yes, I think this
one's pro-brolly OK.

Mae. Hi.

Hiya. Frankie.

Ooh, brolly mad in here.

Barrel fulla' brollies.

Before you do that, pick
an umbrella, any umbrella.

Tartan.

A classic, simple black.

Oh, God. Oh, dear.

I know that a lot
will depend on this.

I'm going to go big bugger.

Very nice.

"Repurpose this umbrella
and demonstrate its new purpose."

"Most inventive repurposing
of an umbrella wins."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Time starts now."

And that's yours to do
what you want with.

They were all going to be discarded.

These are...they're
rescue umbrellas.

They are rescue umbrellas.
We're doing our bit.

I hate my umbrella.
OK. Right. What else could it be?

I've said it before,
I'll say it again,

you always get a little
performance flourish with Kiell.

Didn't need to toss
that umbrella up.

You're a real showman sometimes,
you know that?

All the time.

Good. Shall we start?
Good boy. Yes, please.

OK. Up first it's KSB,
Kiell Smith-Bynoe,

the bank that likes to say yes.

So that's different to what it was.
Mm-hm.

That's something.

It's like a trap.

Gotcha.

What can I catch?

Ahh, it's been a long day at work,

I can't wait to sit down
and put my feet up.

Paws.

Hang on a minute, that's ma family.

What's happened?

I can't hear you. Hang on.

What's that?

Bread?

I want to save ma family,
but the bread's so beautiful.

It's a trap!

Oh, no, I'm trapped and
I didn't get any of the bread.

Oh, no!

Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha.

The duck catcher!

That's your time up, Kiell.

Duck for dinner!

The ducks are from
Scotland, clearly?

Yeah, because
the umbrella was tartan.

Oh, that makes sense.

And what's the backstory of
the ducks? Father Duck's been out.

He was also Braveheart.

Um, that's why
he had the blue face.

Driving his car home from battle.

Yeah...

And, uh,

he came home and his wife
and children had been...

..DUCK taped...

..and he wanted to save them
but there was a picture of bread.

A lot to take in with, "Ha-ha-ha,
ha-ha-ha, the duck catcher,"

but I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Right, what time is it?

It's break time.
What are you doing here?

Hello...hello, good people,
welcome back to Taskmaster,

where the cast are being ever-so eco

and repurposing their umbrellas.

About bloody time, Greg.

But they are and it's a good thing,

so we're gonna see
two more of them now.

Let's say, "Hivo," to Ivo
and, "Hey," to Mae.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Ivo.

Have you repurposed the umbrella?
I've repurposed the umbrella.

Come on, Bosco.

He's a wire-haired border brolly.

Start with the gin.
In...in an umbrella?

In a repurposed umbrella.

I don't know if you can see
his tail. Oh, that's nice.

Can he wag his tail
without shaking his head?

Why would he wanna do that?

A bit of elderflower?
I do like elderflower.

Traditionally we'd have
a little lemon or lime.

Due to a citrus shortage,
bit of pineapple?

Perfect.

Who's your best friend?

Mae Martin.

Who's your enemy?
Alex Horne.

Well, that just sounded like
a man saying, "Alex Horne."

No, that was 100% Bosco.

This is where the art
of it really comes in.

I dropped that on the floor
at some point.

Yeah, put it in the drink then.

I would like to see him
leave the room.

Ah. Yes, OK. See you later.

Thank you, Bosco.

Good luck.

Bye Bosco. Watch out for the
door frame, Bosco.

He's still learning.

Well, thank you.

Are you meant to dilute,
the elderflower?

Very heavy on the elderflower,
isn't it? Mm.

Bye-bye.Bye-bye. Thank you, Ivo.

It's very creative. Thanks.

I did warm to Bosco

when he started to reveal
that he despised Alex.

Yeah.

And was that your stitching work?
Staple gun.

Yeah. Mae made it instantly.

Took 20 minutes.
It was impressive to watch.

Yeah, it was. Um, Ivo,
do you think this is, a new low?

I'm sorry I didn't staple-gun
a monstrous dog together.

You will be when
I hand the points out!

Right. Good. It's time for
the final two attempts now

and what a bespectacled
spectacle it is,

as Frankie Boyle and
Jenny Eclair hit the catwalk.

Oh, hi, Frankie. Hey.

What are you gonna do
with your umbrella?

I have turned it into this
skirt and fascinator combination.

I'm wearing House of Eclair

and this is a handmade
hiking and writing cagoule.

It's for those who
like...uh...outdoors,

maybe climb a mountain
and then write a poem at the top.

Wow.

It's surprisingly good.

I'll go and mull over that comment.
Yeah.

Well, the House of Eclair employs
quite a sassy runway model,

I thought.

It looked pretty good.
All her own work.

Oh, oh, really?

I thought she'd cheated and
parachuted a team in from Paris.

It had a pocket for my notebook.

For when you write poetry up
the mountain? Up the mountain.

And the metal frame of
the umbrella, what was that for?

That was for, warding off anything
that needed warding off.

For when you're up the mountain?
Up the mountain,

looking a bit sexy in my...in
my hiking and writing cagoule.

Hiking and writing,
is that what you said?

Hiking and writing. Oh, I thought
you were speaking in German.

Hiking and writing
and...warding off the boys.

You've... I hope
this is appropriate,

you've got a good sturdy set
of legs on you, Frankie.

Thanks.

Do you know what it felt like,
waiting to watch that?

When I was a kid, uh,

our local library had
a Christmas drawing competition

and I drew a snowman
and they put it up on the wall

and then everyone else's
started to go up

and they were, like, really good.

And when I saw Mae's entry,
that's how I felt.

I felt like when I'd gone
to the library as a little boy

and said, "Could I have
my snowman back?"

Aww!

And they said, "No."

Oh, but Frankie, come on,
you had a fascinator.

There, you've seen all five.
I have. Least inventive?

Well, I mean, just tossing
a load of drinks into it.

Less inventive than two people
both making clothes out of it?

Yep.

I'm gonna give Jenny two points,

because Frankie used
a whole umbrella

and I just think that Jenny was left

with the frame of the umbrella
and just carried it around.

Warding off the boys.

To ward off the boys.

OK. Two points to Jenny,
three points to Frankie. Great.

Inventive is the word,

so Bosco the dog can only have four
points on this occasion... Wow.

..because of the complex
narrative surrounding...

..the Scottish.

Five points to Kiell!

Do you have another one on standby?

Ahh...ahh. I don't know!

Whaa...ahh!

Sorry, I had a bit
of a wobble there.

Here we go.

Hiya. Morning. Jelly? Yeah.
With a duck in it. Course.

Ooh, a jelly mould.
It's jelly, Jenny.

Yes, it is.

This is funny to me already. Great.

Nice little jiggle. Yeah.

Put the most stuff on top of this
jelly, without breaking the jelly.

"Without breaking the jelly".

If anything other than jelly touches
the duck, you are disqualified.

Heaviest stuff on the jelly exactly
ten minutes from now, wins.

Put the most stuff on top of this
jelly, without breaking the jelly.

Heaviest stuff on the jelly exactly
ten minutes from now, wins.

Yeah, this is vintage.

Are...are you starting
to get bored of the format?

That was day one,
that was the first task.

Let's just get on with it.

You've got to balance a load
of heavy stuff on a jelly, right?

Yeah, and I think it's appropriate

if we start with Ivo,
all by himself.

Ah. Agreed? Yes.

I think, encasing the jelly
will stop it pushing outwards.

Yeah, I...I...I like that,
actually. Mm-hm.

I guess I might ask you

whether you think those bricks
are balanced on the jelly?

It is a bit of an interesting
physical question, isn't it?

Well, what do you think?

I think if you took the jelly away,
the bricks wouldn't move.

That's undeniable.

The answer is in the wobble, isn't
it? The answer is in the wobble?

The answer is in the wobble.

Where's the wobble gone?

Fine.

I mean, there's even
a bit of a surface incision.

If it was a wound it would heal
within the week.

Four minutes 40 left.

Ahh. Yeah.

Oh.

Well, why don't you
talk me through your technique?

Obviously, watching it back,

the jump from nought bananas
to six bananas was aggressive.

Yeah.

You said afterwards you should've
taken a banana-by-banana approach.

Yeah, or even broken
the banana down into, uh...

Chunks. Yeah, chunks.

Who's next? OK, well how about
Mae and Kiell next? Here we go.

The most stuff. That's a start.

I'm gonna test the strength
of the jelly.

I want a flat base that's going
to sort of displace the weight,

so that I'm pressing on
the widest possible surface area.

Sounds like you've done
this before.

I've done this a couple of times.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah, we're talking physics. Are we?

Yeah.

Ooh, it's sticky, the jelly.

What flavour is this?

Lemon jelly. Hate it.

OK. It's...it's hard.

And soft.

There's no way this is
the best flavour you could find.

Ooh.

Very...light. Yep. Lovely.

OK, that'll definitely work.

But it's not enough.

It's not enough.

Oh, my God.

If I can get that
EXACTLY on the middle...

Oh, my God.

Wait.

What's happened to the duck?

Oh, no, no, no.

There. There. There. There.

There?

No. There. Hang on.

There...

There.

Some things have happened.

A lot's happened.

Oh, no!

Aw!

It's what's on there exactly
ten minutes after the task started.

Well, in that case, I'll just wait.

I might just wait till
the last possible second...

Will you tell me when I've got 30
seconds? Yeah, there's a clock here.

Ooh.
Well, what shall we do till then?

Rugby?

I don't know if we could do rugby,
just cos of the crockery.

I don't think the duck is touching
the record, I would argue,

but I've really disturbed
the integrity of the jelly.

Yes, you have.

50 seconds, all right.
Let's do this, baby.

20 seconds.

It doesn't look like it used to look.

I think it's in the heat
in the room.

Wow.

Ten seconds.

Any more? No, thank you,
I'm sweet enough.

When I blow the whistle,
you can't be touching it.

Was the duck compromised at all?

Not in the slightest.
He's having a lovely time.

He doesn't even know
what's gone on.

All right. Thanks, Kiell. Thanks.

It started off with a very
scientific approach from Mae,

talking about displacement,

whereas you popped
the task card on top of it and went,

"That's a start."

But soon, we were talking physics.
Yep. Yep.

From that point onwards,
it didn't look very scientific, Mae.

What happened?

Oh, the jelly started breaking.

Did you not consider putting
a bowl on top of the jelly

and just repeatedly saying
the word, "There?"

Yeah.

I mean, it worked.

Kiell got 1,773 grams on the jelly.

That's one Chihuahua. Right.

Join us again for the dramatic
conclusion of tonight's show,

involving the worst
selection of prizes

anyone's ever won
on a television show. Bye!

Hello. Here we are,
the final part of tonight's show

and the jelly balancing act
is nearly complete.

Yes, they're trying
to put as much stuff on

the jelly as possible
without splitting it.

Two people left to go,
and it's Frankie and Jelly.

I've been gripped by
an overwhelming sense of crisis.

I don't see how anything
particularly heavy can go on there.

I should start with
maybe layering up.

I've got a necklace,
I've got my pants,

I've got shoes, I've got a watch.
I've got a watch.

I could argue
the definition of heavy.

I've been in the kitchen
and I've found that.

Now, if I just did that

and then put things on there,
would that be cheating?

Will the things be
on top of the jelly?

I don't know, Alex, cos I was
going to stand on top of that.

Were you now? Yeah.

Well, I wouldn't mind watching that.

What I don't want you
to do is weigh me publicly.

If you do weigh me,
you have to do it in kilos

cos I don't understand kilos.

Well, don't I have
to hold this like that?

Obviously the jelly is plugged in.

Right. There we go.

I'm slightly worried about
that taking my weight

and it collapsing,
and the Tupperware splintering

and then I go through the jelly.

Maybe a cushion?

Here we go.

You don't get much heavier
than this.

The third law of thermodynamics
means that

the universe will eventually end
through a phase of heat death,

with all life and
all energy extinguished.

One, two, three.

They're off, they're off.

So, this is as far as I can go.

You were on it. I was.

You were on it when
the whistle went, yeah.

And the jelly's fine.

Jelly's fine.

Thanks for sitting
on the jelly, Jenny.

It's no problem, I enjoyed it.

There's clubs that cater
for this kind of thing, you know.

Right you are. Right you are.

Thank you.

First things first,
let's talk about Jenny's.

Were you on the jelly?
On top of it.

Cos I might argue
that you were on a box.

Well, yeah, if I sat on
the jelly, it would've split.

That's physics
staring you in the face.

It all seems trivial next to the
heat death of the universe. Yeah.

Don't worry, you're safe.

Jenny, to be absolutely clear,

I very much enjoyed watching you
balancing on that box,

and I'd probably pay to see it.

Not a lot of money, but I'd pay.

But I don't think
you were on the jelly.

So it's just a question of
whether that quote

is heavier than a Chihuahua.

The destruction of the universe is
about as heavy as it gets, right?

The first sentence was,
"Put the most stuff..."

But he's put the concept
of the whole universe,

how much stuff do you want?

The third law of thermodynamics
encompasses

all the energy in the universe.

That's more than your bowl
and your fucking spoon.

I've got to allow it,
it's the heaviest thing.

OK. And we're saying zero points
to Ivo, Mae and Jenny?

I didn't break
the skin of the jelly.

That is true. Just give her
a lovely charity one point.

So, in summary,
it's zero to Ivo, zero to Mae,

one to Jenny, four to Kiell,

and five to Frankie Boyle!
Seems very fair.

OK. Ooh! Seems very measured to me.

Well done, Greg. Good.

Let's have a look at the scores.

Frankie has not won an episode,
this is your chance.

Kiell's in the lead with 15,

but Frankie has 13 points
in joint second.

Good. Right, here we go then,

please go up to the stage for
the final task of the show.

Ah, look how happy
Frankie the clown is.

Who's going to read the task?

Well, it's a team task and
Frankie Boyle's going to read it.

"Using only the scratching posts,

"remove as many balls
from your suit as possible.

"Your team-mates may throw balls
from

"the throwing spots throughout.

"The throwing spots
may not be moved.

"Fewest balls on a suit
after two minutes wins.

"Also, if you're in a team of three,

"the two non-suit wearers must hold
hands throughout the two minutes."

So what's gonna happen is that,
Mae and Frankie,

you're going to use
these scratching sticks.

The other three will be on
the throwing circles.

Frankie will be near
the team of three's throwers

so they can throw balls onto his suit

as he tries to scratch his balls off.

That's a nice...very nice sentence.

So, Frankie and Mae, please make your
way this way down to the stage.

Good luck. Thank you.

Oh, there's lots of Velcro
on their bottoms, I see.

Please stand on the circle.

Anything you want to say?

I think I really should've
had a few less joke scandals

and not ended up in this position.

So, they are starting
with 25 balls on their suits.

Two minutes. Good luck.

And they're off.

Aw, fuck.

They don't come off too easy.

Oh, you got one, you got one,
you got one.

Oh, no! No, you can't do that!

Well, he can do that
and he has done that.

Oh, Frankie's suit has popped open.

Yeah, big one on the bum!

I've got loads.

Well done, Kiell.

Frankie, one at the back. The back!

I got one! I got two!

I got another!

Ten seconds left.

Mae, scratch!

Five, four, three, two, one...

Stop it! Stop it!

Come back down, we'll see how
that's affected the final scores!

What a thriller.

Yes. Well, I think what happened
was that the team of three decided

to hold opposite hands so they both
had their throwing hands out,

and that's what won it for them.

They managed to land more balls on
their opposition than poor old Ivo.

I loved it. There wasn't even any
drama to revealing who'd won.

We all know they won. Exactly.

Oh, I forgot, yeah, I should've
mentioned that. By miles, yeah.

There were 29 balls on Frankie
at the end. 25 to start off with.

17 left on Mae,
so they get five points.

How many for the team of two? Three.

Three. Fair enough.
Three points and five points.

Shall I tell you how that's affected
the episode scores? God, will you?

I will. Ooh, it's my favourite,
Greg, they've all got even numbers.

Ivo's on 12, and at the top of
the pile it's Kiell with 20 points!

There it is!

Kiell Smith-Bynoe wins.

Please pop up to collect
your unbaggable bits.

So, what have we learned today?

We've learned that if you
want to achieve something in life,

use your intelligence,
use lateral thinking,

use gut instinct, if you will.

Failing that, maybe give this a go.

Please. Please! Pleeease!

And, please, let's marvel at
tonight's winner once more,

it is Kiell Smith-Bynoe!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media