Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 6 - It's My Milk Now - full transcript

Ivo Graham prepares breakfast. Jenny Eclair does some painting. And Kiell Smith-Bynoe, Frankie Boyle and Mae Martin cry in the kitchen.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
---
Brace, brace!

I'm bracing!

Hm!

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

No, no, no, no!

No!

Ahh!

What?!

Hello! I'm Greg Davies.

Welcome to Taskmaster,
and, spoiler alert,

I don't know everything.



I don't know how
the pyramids were built,

I can't explain nuclear fusion,

I don't know what butter is.
What is it?

No-one knows really. Off-milk?

Try spreading off-milk
on your kids' toast.

They'll be off school for
a fortnight, you idiot.

So, why would five comedians

risk everything to win a trophy
that doesn't look like anyone?

It's not me -
I've had a beard for five years.

It doesn't matter.

The point is, we don't need
to know the answer to everything.

Sometimes we just need to...

..drink it in.

So, please raise your glasses...



..to Frankie Boyle...

..Ivo Graham...

..Jenny Eclair...

..Kiell Smith-Bynoe...

..and Mae Martin.

And next to me,

the chips to my fish,
the nut to my bolt,

the toilet bowl
to my heavy beef lunch...

..it is...

..Little Alex Horne!

Hello, Greg. You all right?
Yeah. Do you want a game of I Spy?

Yes, please. OK, well, let's play.

What sort of pie is this?

It's an ice pie.

It's an ice pie, isn't it?

You've got...
You've got the guess the filling.

That's the...the game.
That's the game.

And then, we crack it open
and find out if you're right.

It's really wet.

OK, I think it's a chicken pie.

It is a chicken pie. OK.

He's won "ice pie"!

On with the prize task.

For today's prize task,

you demanded the comedians
brought in the best thing

to play about with in your bathroom.

The winner of the episode
is guaranteed

some seriously top-level
bathroom fun.

Ooh!

Kiell, I'll start with you.

What do you like playing
with in your bathroom?

I like playing with a piano.

Here it is.

Does it drown out
unfortunate sounds?

Um, it depends how high
you turn it up.

So, are you saying you could provide
the soundtrack to the moment?

Is that what you...?
You call it "the moment"?

Do you not call it "the moment"?

He's always called it "the moment".

What tunes could a man play
on this piece of tat?

Oh, we're talking
Three Blind Mice, um...

End of sentence.

It's shit.

That is... That is
a disappointing start.

Mae.

I... Well, I guess if people
stay around my house,

I want them to have
a very exciting and thrilling time,

and I like to live on
the edge dangerously.

So, I've made, uh,
a toothpaste Russian roulette.

Here's a picture of it. Mm.

Toothpaste Russian roulette.

OK, so, there's different
things in each tube.

So, one has mayonnaise,
one has cream cheese,

one has face cream... Oh!
..and one has toothpaste.

I've never felt such danger
as brushing my teeth with cheese.

Yeah.

Quite fun, though, in a way.

It's fun, and you've made an effort.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Frankie.

You know when you have a bath,

you set up a lot of candles,
you create an atmosphere?

Why not...? One does.

Why not...?

Why not use that atmosphere
to contact the dead...

..with a laminated Ouija board
specifically designed

to contact the dead members
of the group the Bee Gees.

Wow.

So, here is Frankie's waterproof
Bee Gee Ouija board.

I really like it, Frankie.
I probably shouldn't. I do, though.

And I'm a big fan of the Bee Gees.

Hello, Barry!

Ivo.

Greg, I've brought in
a prize task that combines

a lovely bit of music,
a lovely bit of danger,

and even a little bit of death.

It's a scale model of the Titanic.

And here it is.

Come on, Greg. God...

Don't you want to bathe with her?

I don't want to, um,

recreate one of the worst
maritime disasters in history.

But you don't have to recreate it.

You can keep your scale model
of the Titanic afloat in the bath.
Afloat.

That's the beauty of the prize task.

You can change history
for the better.

I don't think you can
change history.

Hello, Jenny. Hello, boys. Hello.

Hello, both.

I don't know whether either of you,
or any of my team-mates here,

are clenchers or grinders -
the world does divide.

Clencher or grinder? Grinder.

Grinder.

Grinder.

I'm a clencher. Terrible clencher.

And this is a charming
mouth brace I have to wear at night,

and I can put it in... OK.

Have you lost your mind?

I told you... OK, OK.

So, I start like that, right...

..and it's disgusting,

and you can never
get it properly clean.

Uh, so, on the market,

there's this digital brace cleaner
that you can get.

In short, Jenny has brought
in a dental pod.

Yeah.

No...

To have some fun in the bathroom?

They also are quite expensive,

and I haven't
treated myself to one.

I thought, "If I ask them
to get me one on this,

"I'll go home with it..."

"..even if I don't win...
if I don't win."

Well, you're going to have
to judge this, Greg.

Jenny's definitely helped me out.

One point for Jenny Eclair.

Two points to Mae.

Three to Ivo, I think. Right.

Four to Kiell.

So, Frankie Boyle takes
the five points.

With the Ouija board,
Frankie Boyle, five points.

OK, let's have a proper task.

Yes, I know.

I-I agree.

OK, here is the task right now.

Hello.

Hello, everyone. All have a seat.

Hmm.

Two chairs. That's a bit ominous.

Ah, got a heart.

What's all this about?

"Invent an imaginary companion."

I do that every day.

"Then complete a domestic task
with your imaginary companion."

"Your imaginary companion
must either be much taller

"or much littler than you."

"Most poignant scene wins."
Interesting criteria.

"You have 20 minutes.
Your time starts now."

Have you ever had
an imaginary friend?

Yep. We wore the same jacket.

It's really just
a dramatic scene with just myself.

Pretty much any story
of a 49-year-old man

with an imaginary friend is going
to have a certain poignancy.

What you thinking?
Washing up. That's poignant.

If I can get a tear out,
that's got to be worth a point.

I would have thought so. Yeah, OK.

Do I want
this fragile-headed tall bloke

or a tiny little...? In my pocket?

Got to keep him in my bra like a...

There we go. It's in there.

Ah.

So, we're off to the kitchen? Sure.

I'll be in the kitchen.

Are you all right in there?
You're fine in there, aren't you?

You're all right.

We're going to go for a little walk
to the kitchen.

Come on. Let's do that.

Kiell, tell me about your childhood
friend. What was his name?

Chicago.

What sort of stuff did you
and Chicago get up to?

Skateboarding, uh,
making up songs...

Remember any of them?

All of them started
with "I don't know how much".

Fucking hell.

Like...

# I don't know how much
you want to be with her... #

It's the most poignant task
we've ever had on the show.

Are you ready to see it?
Let's have a look.

All right, we're going to begin
with three real friends

called Frankie, Kiell, and Mae,

and their unreal friends,

who are called Andy, Louis,
and Salvatore.

Here we go.

Just been cooking some cookies
my little friend Imaginary Andy.

It's his first day at school today,
imaginary friend school.

He loves cookies.

Andy would do absolutely anything
to get his hands on some cookies.

He's a bit late, actually.

Salvatore.

Mm! Yeah, here. It's good, right?

There you go, on there.

Look at us - best friends,
Kiell, Louis,

about to do the washing up.

Mm. I'm sorry about my family.

They don't...
understand what we have.

But since I found you
under a toadstool,

I've felt like
I finally make sense, you know?

So, tell me more
about your plans for life.

Really?

I've always wanted
to see New Zealand, too.

It's a long flight,
but I'd look after you.

You know I've always got you back.
Forever. Best friends.

What's that?
Sorry, I can't talk just now.

Yeah. No, I'm waiting
for Andy to come back.

Yeah, he is a little bit late. Yeah.

I'm just going to put these away,
yeah? Don't you move.

I feel like that soup needs
a little more spice.

Salvatore?

Salvatore?

And if we...

Louis?

Louis? Where'd you...?

Louis?

Oh, he's back.

Where is he?

Andy! Andy, no!

Andy!

No, Andy!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Oh, my God! Sal!

Babe! Oh, my God!

It's my best friend!

We'll never go to New Zealand!

No!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Ahh!

No!

Andy!

I don't want anybody else.

Nobody rocks my body
or my world like Sal.

I love you, Sal.

Oh, my God. Mm.

I sort of found...

There were a couple
of genuinely harrowing moments.

Salvatore boiled to death.

In the soup. Louis was washed away.

He'll never get to go to New
Zealand.

And then Frankie, fucking hell...

..that...

..that "Jesus Christ"
was genuinely too much. Yeah.

I might ask you why
at any point did you seek

to open the oven door,

choosing to let him carry on
burning.

Cheaper than a cremation.

Um, Mae, heart-breaking.

The only thing that slightly
brought me out of the narrative

and perhaps moved me away from
the great tragedy just for a beat

was the notion that Salvatore
used to, and I quote,

"rock your body".

I'd like more people at funerals

to give speeches about how
they were going to miss the sex.

OK, hold up,
that's the end of part one,

and my chance to find out what
it's like to sit on someone's lap.

See you soon.

No, no, no.

No!

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster

and the conclusion
of our imaginary friend task.

Did you have an imaginary friend,
Alex?

No, Greg.

They never wanted
to hang out with me,

but I didn't care,
because I had woodlice.

Well, yes, the current task

involves creating a poignant scene

with either a very small
or a very tall imaginary friend.

We've had three smalls,

but now it's time
for a biggie with Jenny Eclair.

Oh, Ed, you're so funny.
You make me laugh all the time.

We have such fun together, don't we?

I mean, I know we don't
always see eye to eye.

That's not really possible, is it,

what with you being
really so tall, and all that.

This is quite hard and hot work.

Gosh, I could do with a cold drink,

or something like that.

Hold on. Ice cream!

Oh, Ed!

Your head!

Oh, Ed!

I'm sorry!

Ahh! I'm going to have to get
another imaginary friend now!

Ahh!

I'm not sure
I've ever felt less moved.

I...I changed my mind.

I had my little bra friend,

and then I...
I don't know what happened to them.

She suffocated. Well,
sheer hysteria seemed to set in.

There's not a court in the land

that wouldn't convict you
of murder there.

Next up, it's Ivo.

What could be nicer?

Hot summer's day,
couple of lads cleaning their cars.

Make sure you're thorough.

Look.

Really get every bit there,
you see?

Oh, it's looking great.

I'm so proud of you.

I'm so proud of us.

Most people wouldn't give

their imaginary friend
their own set of wheels,

and one day, we're going to go
on the sweetest road trip together.

Not in the same car,

but driving side by side

singing each other songs
through our windows.

And you'll be so...

Where...?

What about our road trip?

You teach them to wash their car

and they just drive off
into the sunset without you.

If you love something, set it free.

In many ways, more tragic,

because you're friend chose
to leave you.

Yes. I drew on some powerful
real experience.

Speaks to a certain level
of social status, though, doesn't it

when your imaginary friend
has a car?

Time to score them.
Who's in last place, Greg?

I'm going to give Jenny two points.
Oh, thank you. Thank you, yeah.

Because I did enjoy
the act of...of beheading.

Then I'm going to go up to Kiell.

It was a poignant set-up. I
didn't...

I wasn't as moved at the end,

and at the back of my head,
I think he might have lived.

OK, three points to Kiell.

Mae and Ivo, I would
probably give four points to,

because when Frankie shouted
"Jesus Christ",

I actually out loud went,
"Oh, my God!"

And therefore he must take
the five points.

There we go. Well done,
Frankie Boyle. Five points.

Let's see a scoreboard then.
All right.

Well, he's not won an episode yet,

but currently a maximum score
of ten,

it's Frankie Boyle in the lead.

Wow.

What's next, Alex?

It's time for breakfast. Mm!

Hello.

Oh, my favourites. Eggs.

Good morning.

Hi. Good...

Hi. There's something funny
about an egg.

May I? You may.

"Efficiently shell an egg."

"You may not touch
any part of any egg..."

"..with your hands."

I thought this was going
to be pretty simple for a while.

Yeah.

"..and you may only break
the shell of one of the eggs."

What does that mean?

Why have I got all these eggs
if I'm only doing one egg?

That's a great question.

"Fewest pieces
of egg-less shell wins."

Why is this so confusing?

"Fewest pieces of egg-less shell..."

I'm going to go
into full crisis here.

I just don't understand
what's been asked of me. Right.

I'm not thick... OK. ..OK?

I'll write that down.

So, do you understand the task?

Not really, Alex, no. No.

So, you've got to get
the shell off an egg.

That's about right.

You have a maximum of ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

There seemed to be some
collective confusion

over this task there.

Yes, all five of them.

We're you surprised that
they didn't understand the task?
Completely. Yeah.

They couldn't use their hands
so they had to peel the egg

in as few pieces as possible.

We gave them a choice of eggs

because that might be important,
it might not. Write that then!

Here we go.

Some of these eggs aren't going
to break, are they?

Some of them are not real eggs. OK.

Just sort of test the weight.

That's quite a sensible thing
to do, isn't it?

They all sound real to me.

How, were they?

All roughly the same weight.

That's a relief.

"Fewest pieces of egg-less shell..."

Egg-less shell.

You've taken a shoe off.

Yeah.

Well, what about
if I had a tea towel

and an egg in it,

and then I wouldn't be touching it
with my hands.

I'd be touching it with the...

Right OK.

Were you aiming
for the middle of the egg?

Yes, I was.

Can I use a practice egg?

Well, all I can say, Ivo,

is that all the information
is on the task.

So, if I get that egg out...

Ah. Right.

Egg-less shell. Yep.

How we doing for time?

Three minutes 44 left.

Seriously? Mm-hm.

Let's get the rest of this out.

It's just going to be three pieces.

Are you sure? Yeah.

Uh...

We're definitely keen
that you shell an egg at some point.

Yeah, you...

Oh, that's quite a crunchy
bit of egg you're eating.

Oh, stop it. Shut up.

Hmm.

Doesn't feel good, does it,
putting it in my mouth?

Or just a knife.

A nice tiny sliver of shell.

That's turning into
so many bits of small shell.

I can hear them.

Ooh!

That's a nice big bit.

Now what are you doing?

Nothing. Just finishing off my egg.

Another crunchy bit?

Thanks, Jenny.
Right. I'm a bit egged out now.

Well, first things first, Jenny.
Why did you take your shoe off?

I just wondered whether

I could do something
with the shoelace.

I don't know why.

I mean, normally, Ivo,
I see you as, you know,

quite a person of action.

You normally think,
"Right, I'll have a go at this."

But you just seemed lost
for a long time with it.

I think the only good thing
I did in that ten minutes

was keep both of my shoes on.

Why did you try
to work out the weight of the eggs?

What did you think was going on
with the eggs?

Um, well, I don't think even
the successful shellers amongst us

will have provided any answer
as to why there were five eggs.

Oh, one of them has. Well, several.

Me and Jenny over in thicko corner.

"Jenny and I".

"Thicko corner"?

Oh, God, Ivo.

I can't believe
I'm being told off by Jenny

for ruining our friendship

and told off my Alex
for using bad grammar

at the same time.

It's really gone badly, hasn't it?

Well, look,
I had the slightly sad job

of having to count
the pieces afterwards.

Uh, Ivo, 13 pieces of eggshell.
Yes!

Jenny, 20 pieces, and that's
not including the pieces you ate.

Yeah. Which were many.

All right, then,
it's time for Kiell and Frankie.

I've got to somehow
select the hardest egg.

You're looking for a hard egg?

I'm looking for
the hardest possible egg.

What about that...? Whoa...

I think...
I think this one is up for it.

I had an idea.

Maybe the hard-boiled egg
will sink furthest to the bottom.

What's your method, Kiell?

Uh, pick it up and drop it.

That one had a bit of
a slower trajectory.

What are we learning?

What do people normally use?
To do this?

Yeah. A spoon?

OK.

Or this. And this.

Ah.

What have you found?
I don't know what that is.

Ooh.

That to me seemed quite hard.

Go on, get in.

Right.

I don't really understand
how that's happened.

So, that's the egg you've chosen,
is it? Yeah. This is the moment.

It's going be, like,
a thousand pieces of eggshell.

There we go. All right.

Bit of a mess.

I mean, I don't think I've seen
anyone peel an egg this badly.

I think I'm smashing this.

Is that a pun?

Oh, you.

Oh, that's better.

Well, you know, it kind of
came together at the end there.

Finished? Yeah. Soz about that.

Bye-bye.

Frankie, did your "drop an egg
in the water" system help much?

No.

Uh, I think I hadn't entirely
understood the task,

and also I stopped caring...

That was very much true.
..halfway through, and...

Welcome to thicko corner. Yeah.

You are welcome.

Kiell accidently found the solution,

which is you're looking
for a raw egg,

cos then you can get the egg out
in one.

You can make a little hole
and blow the egg out in one.

I'm not going to be blowing
the egg out. But you nearly did
blow the egg out.

You did a good job
using some drawing implements.

I did have to count
all the little bits.

There were six little bits,

but that's a lot fewer
than Frankie, who had 83.

Right, and that is
the end of part two.

"All good things must come
to an end," my auntie always says.

She remains to this day
one of the most boring human beings

I've had the misfortune
to spend time with.

See you in a bit.

Hello! We're back.

It's the third part
of tonight's show,

and once again, we find ourselves
in the company of eggs.

Hi. There's
something funny about an egg.

Yes.

The current task involves
efficient shelling.

They can't use their hands.

Only one egg can be touched,
and fewest pieces of eggshell wins.

Here's Mae's attempt.

OK, I'm just going to take
my shoes and socks off.

Yes. Yeah. Me, too.

OK. Are you allowed
to put them on the floor for me?

Yeah, OK.

It looks like I'm wanking off
an egg with my foot.

Does a bit.

Oh, God, it really does.

No, fuck this. OK.

OK.

And now I'm going to put my mouth
on them.

Hmm. Uh-huh.

Would you prefer to work with
a boiled egg or an unboiled egg?

Mm.

I'm going to get a pin

and then I'm going to hope
it's a raw egg,

and I'm going to make
a pin-sized hole.

Right?

Not sure this is the way.

Ah.

Well, that was the way.

You pretty much finished the task.

OK, I'm going to get
the rest of the egg out.

I mean, I don't know
why I had my feet

and my mouth involved
when I could have used any utensil.

Fewest pieces of egg-less shell.

If I'm being completely honest,
there's three.

Yes, should be.

I'm done. Yep.

Three. Three.

What does it say?

"Frankie, Frankie, Jenny,
Frankie, Frankie."

What does that mean?

Well, I presume Jenny's boiled.

No, Jenny was the raw one.

Yeah, cos Frankie...

Frankie and Benny. No, what?

Frankie "Boyle".
Yeah, that's infuriating.

What was the plan
when your shoes and socks came off?

Oh, I was going to use my feet
to...to expertly shell it.

I don't know.

You were going to peel
the egg with your toes?

I feel nauseous from watching that.
Like that was... I...

We've all been quite traumatised.
Yeah.

I don't know if you can tell.
Like...

Yeah. But the pin idea was amazing.

Oh, the pin idea was amazing.
Yeah, yeah.

Dropped the egg.
But then, a happy accident, right?

It was a very happy accident,
like Kiell, really, and it worked.

Just the three pieces.
They've definitely won.

Shall we just score it and move on?

Let's just agree
it's been the worst...

..task and the worse response
to a task in 15 series,

and let's move on.

By some distance. By some distance.

And yet, Frankie gets a point,
Jenny two, Ivo three,

Kiell four,
but Mae Martin, five points.

Do I dare ask for another?

Thankfully, we do have another one,

and I've been busy doing
a spot of landscaping.

Ooh!

Ha!

This looks great.
Yeah, it's an improvement.

Yeah. Bowling ball. Uh-huh.

Right. Oh, do... Open the task.

Yep, that's the first task.

"Bash the big bell
with the bowling ball."

"Fastest gets five points."

"Slowest gets four points."

"Nobody else gets any points."

Interesting.

"You are to stay off the grass
unless you're wearing gold shoes."

"If anything other than
the bowling ball or gold shoes

"touches the grass,
you are disqualified."

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

"Your time starts...now."

Pretty straightforward.

I'm looking forward to just
getting on with it. Crack on.

All right, first up to give it
a bash are Jenny and Mae.

Oh, no.

I'm not going
to be able to do that.

Well, it might hit.

No, and now you can't reach it.

No. I've got to find
some golden shoes.

Gold shoes.

Well, just going to have a look

for some gold shoes quickly.

OK.

I found one. Oh, well done.

Yeah. That didn't take long.

That pineapple is calling to me.

It's a golden shoe!

Is there another one?

They normally come in pairs.

They do, normally.

There's no gold shoe
in here, is there?

Well, where's the other golden shoe?

Found the golden spray.

They lent me a kicking shoe.

I'm going to gold spray it.

Yeah.

No! No!

What's wrong?

Why would they do that?!

I only have one.

So, what's the plan?

Go on one foot.

Can you do that? Yeah.

I think I can.

They're so golden.

That's more like it.

Golden shoes!

OK.

How does it feel? Scary.

Yep.

I'm allowed on the grass
in my golden shoes.

Kicking the ball
with my golden shoes.

Oh, bloody hell!

I've stopped the clock.

Come on! Come on! Yeah.

I've stopped the clock.

I think if you ever decide
you want to do pantomime,

that would serve as
a very good audition tape,

because you were literally
cackling like a lunatic.

I'm not very good
with children en mass.

Why didn't you pick up
the ball at any point?

Why would you say that now?!

You both did really well.

Uh, Jenny bashed the bell
in three minutes 40.

Three minutes 40.

If you'd got the right paint
first time around,

you would have beaten Mae,
who got two minutes 57.

So, you both did extremely well.

Good start. Well done.

Good start.

Two big bell bangers now.

It's Kiell and Frankie.

Aw!

I should try to hit it
before I do this, shouldn't I?

Oh!

May I have your shoes?

You want my shoes?

Yeah.

Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -

deposit £100 in his bank account,

give him a perfect dippy
boiled egg with buttered soldiers

and a glass of milk,

physically remove them.

How's it going, Frankie?

Well, I took an assessment
of my bowling ability,

and I thought, "Time
to make me some gold shoes."

You know, it's not terrible.

Oh!

Come on!

Argh!

You bashed the bell. Yeah!

What was your...plan when
you were rolling up the green?

You were sort of pawing at Alex
like a cartoon cat in a...

I thought I could wrestle him
to the ground and take his shoes.

I didn't expect to see Frankie Boyle

creeping across a green
with two swing-ball bats.

Swing-ball bats
or golden snow shoes?

Yellow. Yellow.
We all know it's not gold.

It's yellow. Yellow.

Well, what is gold?

"Gold is a deep lustrous yellow
or yellow-brown colour."

That was neither.

Only the fastest and the slowest
get the points here,

and it's interesting.

Mae, of course, two minutes 57.
Jenny, three minutes 40.

That's not relevant now, Jenny,

because Frankie,
six minutes 50 is the slowest,

Kiell, three minutes 45,
so also not relevant.

Oh! Frankie one end, Mae the other,

if we allow the gorgeous
golden shoes on Frankie's feet.

We'll carry on the gold/yellow
debate after the break.

Right. Nearly there.
Only one part to go.

A task to be finished,
the studio task, and then a winner -

a winner of nanny's dental pod.

That's Taskmaster.

Hello!

Welcome back to the last part
of tonight's show.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, Alex,

but isn't there still a big bell
to be bashed will a bowling ball?

Ooh, bang-on, big boy.

But they can't walk on the grass
unless they're wearing golden shoes.

We've isolated one player...
or should I say Ivo-lated?

It's Mr Graham again. Here we go.

What if it doesn't come back?

You can't live your life like that.

Oh!

What now, Ivo?

I've got to leave
the complex, really.

No, I've got to get the gold shoes.
Ah, OK.

Can I wear those gold shoes?

Thank you very much. Pleasure.

"Alex will give you his shoes
if you do one of the following -

"deposit £100 in his bank account,

"give him a perfect dippy boiled egg

"with buttered soldiers
and a glass of milk,

"physically remove them."

Yes, the egg isn't
totally submerged.

He's not got long. Seven minutes.

Oh, this is disgusting.

What I'm doing is disgusting.

Good...for an omelette.
It's cost another four minutes.

The stench of failure hangs
over this task.

Failure and egg.

Two minutes left.

Another big moment now.

Yes, beautiful.

Ivo.

Hello, Alex.

Oh, lovely.

30 seconds.
I've lured you with a bad egg.

That was my milk.

It's my milk now.

Was that always your plan, just
to attack him when he came near?

My... I didn't really have a plan.

I did want to commit
some sort of physical assault,

but I was also seduced
by the romance of trying

to cook the perfect dippy egg.

It did take him
about 17 minutes to boil an egg,

but that's in your favour,

cos if you're the last person,
you get four points. Slowest. Yeah.

And you did complete
the task with 16 seconds to go.

Ooh!

Pretty neat stuff, actually.

Well, then.

Well, then. Well, then.

So, it looks like Mae gets
the five and Ivo gets the four.

Right. But it is worth doing
one last check.

Remember,
if anything touches the grass

other than golden shoes,
you're disqualified.

"Your time starts now."

Can I have a look in the bath?

Well, you're not allowed
to stand on the grass.

Oh!

Don't step on the...

Ah!

What's happened?

Nothing.

Don't go on the grass!

Ah!

So close.

So close. So close. So close.

Ivo, you also put
the podium on the grass.

Please don't take my four points

with three other people
getting zero away from me.

The only things that went on
the grass that were golden

were the shoe over here...

..and the shoes over here.

I...I'm really throwing myself fully
behind "yellow isn't gold" now.

What I would say is that
if we disqualified Frankie,

then Mae is then both the fastest
and the slowest

and will get nine points.

Ooh!

Frankie, I loved your gold shoes.

Beautiful.

So, everyone's perfectly happy
with the golden bats now, I presume?

Yeah, I love 'em. Love them.
I'm not.

Sorry, Mae. I'm going to allow it.
OK. There you go.

Congratulations.

Frankie, you get four points.
Mae Martin, another five points.

Let's have a look at the scores.

Mae's on 16 and Frankie's on 15.

Hey!

Well, will you please make
your way to the stage

for the final task of the show?!

Who's going to read the task out,
Alex?

Ivo Graham is going
to read the task out.

"Walk around the chairs
listening to Greg's story.

"Then sit on a chair when you hear
a word containing two letter Ls."

"If you stop walking or touch
a chair incorrectly,

"you are disqualified.

"If you fail to sit on a chair
when you hear a word

"containing two letter Ls,
you are disqualified.

"Best listener wins."

So, it's basically going
to be like musical chairs,

but instead of music,

it's going to be Greg
reading a story to you.

There are four stories,

and each story will have
a different rule.

So, it's two Ls in the first story.

Aw, man.

Please read the first story
and walk when he talks.

"The sun was setting.

"The light was magical

"and the water lapped
at the shore of the lake.

"'Right,' said Greg.

"'Get your clothes off.
You're going in.'

"'I don't want to,'
said the scrawny, sausage-shaped
man.

"'I need you to retrieve
the stone I just threw in,'

"whispered Greg, noisily.

"It's one of my favourite stones,
I think.'

Ooh!

"And so..."

"..little Alex Horne.

Oh!

You did that very badly.
Very, very badly.

Kiell first struck a chair,
so was pretty much disqualified,

and then just walked over to me.

Greg, what's the rule
for the next story?

The next story, you should sit down
when you hear a word

with a U in it.

Off we go. Story two.

"In the morning,
I like to have a pot of coffee

"and a slice of cake.

"Little Alex Horne brings them in
when I ring my little bell.

"I let him wear his yellow cape
if he is a very lucky boy."

Oh!

Frankie Boyle
shoulder-barging Jenny Eclair.

Are you OK, Jenny?

I can't believe that happened.

Can we remove a chair?

Yeah, fuck this.

This time, you should sit down

when you hear a word
that starts and ends

with the same letter.

"These are the closing rules

"the Taskmaster expects
those around him to adhere to

"at all times.

"One, the shirt should be tucked in-

"really tucked in.

"Right in! Two..."

I mean, Ivo was following,

but there was no words there
that started and ended

with the same letter.

We've lost Frankie Boyle.

Frankie, you've lost it.

As soon as the Boyle bottom went,
mine was swiftly following.

This is the final, Greg.

Right, this time,
you should sit down

when you hear a six-letter word.

Are you ready? Yeah. OK.

"I don't remember much
about that fateful night.

"It was cold.

"The moon was full, I know that.

"I'm not an idiot.

"And I can't be held responsible
for the terrible accident

"that happened to little
Alex Horne."

Oh!

We have a winner.
"Little" has got six letters.

Do you want to come down here

and we'll see how
that's affected the final scores?

Ah! Very good.

Well, that was exciting, I thought.

Yes. Kiell was the worst listener.

but the best was Mae Martin,
with five points,

and that does mean this episode
has been won by Mae Martin!

Again! 21 points.

There we go.

Mae Martin wins.

Please go and bag your
bathroom bootie.

What have we learned today?

If you ever find yourself
lying in bed alone

and you get a pleasant feeling
that you maybe haven't felt

for a long time, relax.

It's good news.

Salvatore lived,

and you're about
to get your body rocked.

Please clap once again
for the winner of tonight's show.

It's Mae Martin!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media