Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 5 - Old Honkfoot - full transcript

Mae Martin uses some mystic powers. Jenny Eclair honks a horn. And Frankie Boyle shows off his vocal range.

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Brace, brace! I'm bracing.

Hm.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

Ahh!

What?!

Hello! Yeah!

Welcome, everyone, to Taskmaster!

I'm Greg Davies,
and I have a secret to tell you.

People often say to me,
"If you're the Taskmaster,



"how come you're so old and
out of shape?"

After I put them in a half Nelson,
I whisper the secret in their ear.

"It's a fat suit,
you fool.

"To be taken seriously, I need
the gravity of an older man."

Beneath the suit,
I am hench, ripped, tight,

piercing blue eyes,
and soft, sun-bronzed skin.

My real name...

..Juan Monroe III.

Let us meet those craving my wisdom,
drunk on my judgment,

please welcome Frankie Boyle...

..Ivo Graham...

..Jenny Eclair...

..Kiell Smith-Bynoe...

..and Mae Martin.



And next to me, a man who
recently told me he thinks that

former heavyweight world champion
boxer Anthony Joshua

lost his title because of cowardice.

And I quote,

"If I ever meet him at a TV event,

"I'm going to teach
that pussy to dance."

It's Little
Alex Horne!

Yeah.

No, I don't remember...
remember saying that.

You were adamant.

Hm. Hello! Everyone.

Are we having a lovely chat
before we start the show?

N-No, I think we just
crack on with that.

I've got the agenda for the show,
so we all know what's happening.

Same as normal - prize task, task,
task, task, stretching, task.

Optional wink. So, we're ready.

So, let's get on with it.
Let's do the prize task, shall we?

Let's, as you say,
do the prize task.

And this week, you asked them
to bring in the luckiest thing.

Ooh! I'm such a lucky thing,
sitting next to you.

You're a lucky boy. Hm.

Five points for the luckiest thing,

and all the lucky things will go
home with the episode winner.

Finished! OK, Jenny.
What's your luckiest thing?

OK, well, Alex thinks he's very
lucky sitting next to you,

but the luckiest lad in the land...
is this little chap.

Look at him! He's mine!

Well, he's obviously not mine
from my vagina,

cos my vagina's quite old.

Erm, no this is my grandson.

And he's the luckiest lad,
cos I'm his nana.

And who wouldn't want me
to be their nana?!

Well, the more you shout at me...

The winner of the episode
doesn't get your grandson.

What's the prize that's being
offered up? Because...

That photo, me and the lad! Yeah.

I'll put it in a frame.

Frankie, can you beat a baby?

Well...

Horrified at the tone
you've set, Greg.

I have brought in a bag
that was left at a theatre

for me by a fan.

Oh, my God.

It seems to focus heavily on
my connection to the animal kingdom.

They've managed to
incorporate my daughter's dog

and my crow friend, Arnold Bartleby.

Have you got a crow friend?

I do. Oh, OK. Yeah.

He enjoys ham. OK.
But it is your lucky bag, Frankie,

you carry it with you,
is that right?

Well, I've left it in my suitcase
because the run of gigs I was doing

when they gave me that bag
were really good.

So, you're a superstitious man.
I'm very superstitious.

My God, I would've bet the lives of
a thousand crows you weren't.

Kiell!

This is a scratchcard bought
by the luckiest woman in Britain.

Jolene Stanley, 35.

She was 34. But that was
over a year ago.

Yeah, what's going on?
What have you actually brought in?

The scratchcard.

Kiell has got Jolene to buy
a scratchcard for the show.

Yeah. She won £70,000 worth
of prizes since her first

competition entry in 2012.

She is Britain's luckiest woman.

She's also the woman in Britain
who does the most competitions.

It's added something to the episode,

that we could have cold,
hard cash at the end.

I'm very happy with this prize,
you've done well.

Hello, Mae.
What have you brought in?

I'm worried you're going
to dismiss this with a wry comment.

A wry comment? Yeah.

I'd better get my wry face ready.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Erm...

These are, er, my lucky lenses.

Here are Mae's lucky lenses. OK.

OK, so...

So, those are real four-leaf clovers
I bought, they're £15 each.

And those are rabbit's feet...
Can I check?

The rabbit's foot,
to be a lucky rabbit's foot,

must be a left hind foot.
That's correct. It...

The rabbit needs to have been
captured or killed in a -

where was it captured or killed?

A ceme... A cemetery.
A cemetery, yes, good.

And what day of the week was it
cut off on? Very important.

Monday. Er, what?

Sunday... No.

Friday. Friday, yes!

On an actual grave, the meaner
the person, the luckier the foot.

I mean, I...

I hadn't seen the horseshoe.

I don't want to be pedantic here.

But...isn't the task the
luckiest thing?

Yes. And could I suggest that
Mae's entry was things?

No, because they've been...
It's a pair of glasses.

They've been fused together.

They've been fused onto
the one thing that isn't lucky.

What? That's outrageous.

One left. Ivo.

Well, last episode,
Frankie got a lot of points

for putting a load of random guff
on a graduation hat.

So, I've put a load of random guff
on a graduation hat.

Erm, so a few key items here.

The maneki neko Japanese
bobtail cat.

The former Manchester United
footballer Steve Bruce,

who's brought me a lot of
luck in my career.

How so?

Because he wrote some
excruciatingly bad detective novels

in the late '90s,

and I've reviewed them on podcasts
for a small fee.

Erm, when I played a lot of poker,

7-2 off was our lucky hand.

And finally, of course,
the silver spoon that I was

born with, in my mouth.

Is that one thing, Frankie?

No. That's several things glued
onto a hat that has

no reputation for luckiness.

Well, after every bad gig,
I would call up my parents,

and my dad would say, "Well you're
lucky you've got your degree."

So, I...

I would say the hat is
the luckiest thing of all.

Well, there's a couple at the top,

and then, it's a much of a muchness,
is the way I see it.

So, I'm not going to give
1 point to anyone. Oh.

2 points, I'm going to give to
a picture of a baby... Oh!

Oh, God, I do really like
Frankie's tote bag...

..but I can't leave a baby down
the bottom on its own.

No, you can't.

I think I'm going to.

Literally livid.

Tote and hat. Right. 3 points.

Oh! Both get 3 points. Yes.
Frankie and Ivo, got it, OK.

Yes. Mae's lucky glasses
take the 4 points,

because I think Kiell's made a real
effort, for the first time ever.

Yes! 4 to Mae, 5 to Kiell!

Let us have a task proper,
Alex Horne.

Of course, Greg, here we go.

Wotcha. Wotcha.

He's got a very strong brow,
doesn't he?

Oh, God, yeah.

How do we get that?

I think it's practise.

Everything all right?

I think so, this looks different.

This one's made out of Babybel,
or something.

I would really like to do well
on a task with this kind of paper.

OK. "Fake something.

"Best fake wins.

"You have 20 minutes."

Ready...steady...go.

Presumably everybody just did the

When Harry met Sally thing
at this point.

You think they all did it? Yeah.

Er, are you going to do it?
No, I really am not.

I don't think anyone needs
that in their life.

Lovely! That's got us all in
the mood. Let's crack on.

OK, well, the first fakers we're
going to see are Kenny and Giles.

Sorry, Jenny and Kiell.

Ready, steady, go.

Oh, gotta start now! Oh!

Oh, oh...

Oh, my right arm.

It's going to get sticky.

So sticky. Too sticky.

Oh, my heart...oh, oh, my heart.

Oh, oh, my...

Oh, oh, God, Oh, God,

Oh, God, I think I'm dying.

Perfect. Perfect.

Ohh...!

I faked a death.
Oh, phew! Right, good.

I'm all right, I'm OK.
Am I allowed to do another one?

You can do whatever, you've still
got 18 minutes and 40 seconds.

OK, I'll do another one.

Seven minutes.

Could boil an egg in this time.
And then, use the shell as nails.

Would you like me to bring
you an egg? Yes, please.

Ow! Oh, oh, I just banged my nose.

I think I'm having
a nose bleed, darling.

A really, really bad nose bleed.

I've brought you an egg.
Ah, thanks, mate.

What's in there?

Egg.

Oh - my mum won't like this bit.

Your mum won't like it? No.

She'll say I'm "messing up
the people's house".

I think it's stopping now.
I think it's stopping.

All right, then?
I've had a bit of a trauma.

Would you like some chocolates?

I don't like chocolate. Oh.

I like cheese and cash.

Right, I'll bring you some
cheese and cash.

Thank you very much.
Right, you seem to have perked up.

Yes, I feel fine now.

Happy?

Happy.

20 minutes.

You wouldn't be able to slip into
a room unnoticed with that hand.

But the nails,
lovely attention to detail.

Jenny, "I like cash and cheese" -
I'm with you on that.

And during the death, when she
immediately went "ahh,"

started to die I thought,
"Oh, that's clever."

And within 30 seconds,
I was finding myself going,

"Just die!"

Really good.

Well, we do have another swindler
ready to treat with a trick.

This time, it's Ivo.

Erm, are you a fan of the
ancient Egyptians?

'Course I am. Great.

You've not got long, Ivo. OK.

Are you ready to be transported
to ancient Egypt?

As ready as I'll ever be.

Welcome...to Ancient Egypt.

Hello.

What's your name?

Whoo.

Oh, are you dead?

Ah.

Right. Erm, not even going
to "whoo" any more?

Whoo.

So, your time's up, Ivo.

What do you think?

Ohh. Good!

I've had a lovely time being
involved in this task.

You really clawed it back with
that stunt at the end.

Because when
the mummy first came in,

I actually, out loud, whispered
to myself, "Heartbreaking."

The greatest privilege of my life,
to sit here and watch your heart

be put back together by my twist.

I do feel complete.

Right, it's time for us to
part with part one.

What can I say? We were young,
we were naive, we were stupid,

it was never going to work.
Fun, though, wasn't it?

Goodbye.
I still love you.

Hello!

Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where there are
some charlatans at work.

Yes, Greg I'm afraid so,
because the current task

sees them trying to fake something.

Best fake wins.

Next, and pitching a TV show
at the same time,

it's Mae Martin.

Good evening, and welcome to
Crossing to the Other Side

with Mae Martin.

Er, my guest today, Alex Horne.

Welcome. Hello, Mae.

Ah, OK.

So, I'm getting
an older male figure.

It's not a grandparent or
a father figure, it's...

..like a teacher figure.
Does that ring any bells?

I did have teachers.

I want to say, you've
travelled away with?

Yeah, I went on a school trip
with, er, Mr Arnold.

So, I'm getting Adrian.

Well, there's - oh, genuinely
his real name was Adrian Arnold.

OK, and is he passed?

I hope not, but I haven't been
in touch with him for...

You might want to send him
an email. Oh, really? Yeah.

Erm...I'm getting kind of, er,

lot of noise, like animal
noises and things.

Is there a significance of,
like, I want to say Tim and Jim,

like a Dot and Scott?

Yeah. Horace and Boris.

Horace and Boris. They're my cats.

And they've passed?

Oh, long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Horace in particular is,
er, frustrated.

He's very frustrated with you.

Oh. Yeah, he's like telling me
something about George Clooney.

M-My cat? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Erm... I'm trying to think of
George Clooney films.

My dad was a GP,
so anything with ER? No.

No? No, not that. No.

Fantastic Mr Fox is what
I'm getting.

Ah, well, I've seen that,
and I used to have a toy fox.

This is the frustration
I'm getting from Horace.

What, that I loved the fox
more than the cat? Yeah.

Well, I-I hope you've got
what you came for.

I'm just trying to be a vessel

and give you the tools
that you need moving forward

to live in a more authentic way.

Well, thank you for the tools.
Thank you. Thanks, Mae.

Erm, do you have any money?

Ah, yeah, I've got some money.

I charge £60.

£60.

I'll take 40.

That was actually...quite good?

It was good.

Because they were faking it,
I discovered afterwards.

What, you mean Mae's
not a real medium?

In the lab, I was freaked out,
cos everything they said was true.

Yes. And I didn't know
how they did it.

I...I've been a...

I r-rang his wife.

And my wife rang my mum.

And I've kept in touch
with your wife.

Like...we text!

Yeah. The way you lured him
into Horace and Boris...

Thank you. Yeah.

..very clever!
It was horrible to be on that side.

Very enjoyable.

And then, you've got
a new friendship out of it.

Yeah, and 40 quid.

Good, who's last?
There's only one more.

The final faker is Frankie Foyle -
here we go.

"In a sense, no-one is
to blame for this.

"In another realer sense,

"the British security services
and the creative team behind

"the Antiques Roadshow are to blame.

"Farewell, Frankie."

I empathise, Frankie,
because like me,

your body is so much more shocking
than your suicide could ever be.

We surprised a few joggers.

Oh, man that was very good.
This is tough.

Are they all good, do you think?

I feel like you're working
against me, Alex. I'm not.

Can we have a look at it,
again, the hand?

Yes, I can isolate just the hand.

I really want to justify it
being higher than it is, Kiell.

But, with the best will
in the world...

But, you know, were Jenny's
fakes really good? No!

What if I give them both
2 points down the bottom?

So, Jenny and Kiell both get
2 points. They do. Right.

I'm going to give Ivo 4 points.

Ooh, right!

I'm going to give Mae 4 points,
as well... Right.

..just because I think the harrowing
story of Frankie Boyle's demise

deserves, on this occasion,
5 points.

2, 2, 4, 4, 5 points to
Frankie Boyle! There you go.

Scoreboard time.

Frankie and Mae are at the top,
with 8 points each.

There you go.

Right! Right. On we go!

Yes, next up is this.

Hello, Alex!

Hi, Jenny.

Oh...

the things have fallen off
my feet quite early doors.

I've lost my bells,
and I've displaced my...

Hello, Kiell. Hello!

I'm going to bring you your task.

There you go, Mae. Thank you.

"Play the instrument
indicated by the light.

"Each time you play
an instrument correctly,

"another will be added to the
sequence until you make a mistake.

"Longest sequence wins.

"There is a bonus point for
the person who sounds

"the least worst.

"The least worst."

Sort of the best.

"Your time starts when
the first light goes on."

OK.

So, up there, there's drums.

Where? Drums there. Drum. Yeah.

Why does it - oh,
it's very badly drawn.

Thank you.

Hm, what the fuck is that?

Obviously a harmonica.

It looks like a sofa.
I thought it was a sofa.

Yes.

I just want to crack on.

OK, when it comes to
musical ability,

you don't often hear these two names
- and for good reason.

It's Jenny and Ivo first.

Are you ready?

Yes, I am.

Let's go.

And that was a lovely chord.

It was a lovely chord -
I think it's my only chord.

You've made it successfully
through round one. I'm glad!

Round two.

Good. It's now time for round three.

There's that chord again.
Sounding good.

Is this like an Alzheimer's test?

Great performance.

So, you know the first
four now. Yes.

Ah, right OK. Now, then.

Correct! Congratulations.

Really? Mm-hm.

Hm.

It's now time for round six.

Round six? Yeah. OK.

That's correct, Jenny.

Yeah, I've got a horrible feeling
that I got that wrong.

Do you know what you did wrong?

No.

I put all this clobber on,

and I've become overwhelmed
by the occasion.

Off we go again.

You missed one.

I didn't! You sort of did.

What?

You didn't play the harmonica.

Only cos it looks like a sofa.

I think you should go now.

There's the sad little walk away
from "Old Honkfoot" Eclair there.

Tragic.

Tragic, but still better than Ivo.

Oh, really?

Don't say it like that!

I'm sorry, I thought we'd been
grouped together as equal failures,

but it turns out I'd found
still a new depth.

Ivo was very disappointing,
just five, that's all.

You only remembered
five things in a row.

How many did I get? Six!

Oh... Yeah - Frankie Boyle and
Mae Martin also did this task.

And they did it like this.

I feel like Dick Vandyke.

You look like Dick Vandyke in...

In young...yo...in...

Sh...are you ready?

Yeah.

I'm going to give it a go.

Congratulations.

It's sounding lovely.

I'm seeing now how
it's going to get stressful.

Correct.

I have to look at my feet
every time.

What was the fucking last one?

Correct.

Frankie. Yeah?

You did very well.

I...I-I'm surprised.

I'm also surprised.

Ohh, man.

Well, Mae, I thought there was
a childlike naivety.

Yeah, I had a great time.
Hope in your eyes.

Frankie, you looked quite at
home in that clobber.

I enjoyed being in a warehouse,
being in a one-man band

for no apparent reason.

A lot of fun. Very impressive.

They both scored 9. Well done.

Hm. Yeah, sometimes it's just good
to say "well done," isn't it?

Right, we're stopping for a break
so Alex can do his push-ups.

Underneath that cheap suit,
the boy is ripped!

Yes, hello again!

We're back!

Let's just get on with the show.

As opposed to what?

Quick update.

They're currently trying to copy
a sequence of lights.

Longest sequence wins -
and there's only one player left.

He's currently in last place
in the series, it's Kiell!

Correct.

Shit.

Are you going to play your
instruments? Hang on!

Correct, and so we go on.

What?

Blow.

Have you finished? No.

OK. Have you?

Thank you, you've finished,
goodbye, Kiell.

Pretty impressive, Kiell.

I'm a music boy.

How many did he get?

15. I mean...

Good. The only negative thing
I can think to say is that in

a previous task, you had a problem
blowing a marble into a tube,

and then, you had another
blow issue.

Do you have a blow problem?

I'm an asthmatic boy.

Asthmatic music boy.
Music Boy's Asthmatic Boy.

Yes. Oh...

But I'm really sorry,
there were two Kiell clips,

and I think I played the wrong...
I'm going to fucking kick off, Alex.

I've played the Kiell clips in
the wrong order. I'm so sorry.

Oh... Can I play the other one?

Yeah, yeah.

Kiell, you have finished the
one-man band task. Ah!

Go on, give us another go.

You want to keep going,
see if you can go further? Yeah.

We gave him quite a few other goes.

We were in there for 45 minutes.

It seems that Music Boy's
a cheeky boy.

Ivo and Kiell are both five.

OK, OK. Right. Right.

But eventually, I got 15. Yeah.

Well, in that case, Kiell wins the
series, let's all go home.

Good. So, Ivo and Kiell
came joint fourth.

Yeah. So, they both get 2.
Jenny comes third.

So, gets 3 points.
Mae and Frankie joint first,

5 points each!

However, there is, of course,
one bonus point for the person

who plays it the least worst.

Just for the cheeky head
wiggle alone... Ooh.

..and the nerve of Music Boy,

and I think, you know,
give the guy a break,

we'll give him the point.
Bonus point to Kiell!

Well done, Kiell. Thank you.

Time for another task, please!

OK, and this one's a team one.

Here we go.

Shall we?
Yes, you do, go ahead, go ahead.

"Salvage the most spoons.

"Salvage the most spoons.

"You may not leave the lab,

"and all spoons must be salvaged
with a magnet.

"Your salvager must not
remove their headwear.

"Most salvaged spoons
brought to the lab wins."

"Also, from now on,

"you must speak in a very
high-pitched voice.

"You have 16 minutes.

"Your time starts,"
or should I say...

"You have 16 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

Do we open the laptop?

Open the laptop.

Ah! Hello, Alex. Hello.

I have your salvager here.
He has a magnet.

Good luck.

Where am I?

Mae and Jenny,
I think you instantly became

the weird children from The Shining.

Absolutely horrified me
the moment you started speaking.

Right, let's just get on with it.

OK, and we begin with
the team of three.

It's Kiell, Jenny and,
with the same initials and voice

as Mickey Mouse, it's Mae Martin.

Kiell, Kiell!

Hello, yes.

Kiell, are you blindfolded?

Am I blindfolded? Yes. Big style.

OK, look around for spoons.

I can't look.

Can you...move the camera around,

so we can see what you're
looking at?

We're presuming there are spoons.

There's a spoon on top of
the blue bin!

I don't know where the blue bin is.

Stretch your hands out, Kiell.

Now inch forward.

To the barrel. The oil drum!
Oh, I've got the barrel.

OK! Yeah! On the top.
There is a screw.

That's annoying.

Did you get it?

Ah, God. You're so close!

One spoon. Did you get it?

I did. We're going to have to work
out a better system than this.

I think you should get on your
hands and knees, and crawl.

I wouldn't do that.

Turn around, to the left.

Walk forward.

What can you see?

Nothing. Nothing.

What about now?

No. Oh, yeah! By the bathtub.

I don't know where the bathtub is.

So, if you inch forwards very
slowly till you feel the grass

under your feet.

The grass under my...

And then, veer slightly
to your right. To my right.

Kiell, there's two spoons
in front of you. OK.

So, get on all fours!

Forward, forward!

Grope, grope in the grass.

Grope the grass?
As close to the bath as you can.

I don't know where the bath is.
Is it to my right, or my left?

What's that? To your right, there's
a spoon right in front of you.

I've got one. OK.
Try by the shed.

What direction's that?
Yeah, you're doing it.

You're doing it now.

Oh! Oh! Double spoon!

Kiell, Kiell, double spoon!

Where?

You need to sort of be
in the middle of the grass.

If you can imagine it.

OK, so direct my finger.

You want to be facing
to your right.

To my right, like this?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, Kiell!

Yeah? Down! Down!

Down...

And sweep. Sweep.

Yeah! You have five minutes.

I think we should come
back to the house.

We're running out of time. Yeah.

Kiell, you'll have to come
and find us in the lab.

You guys have got to chat about
this blindfolding work.

Kiell you have to come back
to the house.

If you told me where
the house was, yeah.

Turn to the right,
take five big steps.

One, two...

Stop. ..three...

Turn to your right.
Turn to my right.

Take three big steps.
Well, take one big step. One...

Wait you've got to go around that.

Around which way? Go to your right.
To the left, or to the right?

To the right, to the right!
Left? To the left!

Feel your way.

Along the house, to the front door.

Hands out! Stretch!

You seem to be at the door.

I've stopped listening
to both of you.

Here! Just blunder along
the corridor.

Straight ahead.
Yes, you're almost here!

Well done! Yes, Kiell! Yeah!

Yay! Yay!

Good job, Kiell!

The narrative to me was
Kiell playing an older brother

who's been through this nonsense
a thousand times.

He was weary from the moment they
started squeaking to each other.

I found that voice so annoying.
So annoying.

Yeah, and often, Mae was leading the
way with an attempt at instruction,

and Jenny was just going...

"Yes, that's right!"

Kiell was doing a lot of the work,
as well, he stumbled upon

quite a few of the spoons.
They got a total of nine. Yeah.

And he got back to the lab
with a minute to spare.

He'd had enough. Oh, yeah.

Right, that's the end of part three.

Soon, someone will win a spoon
and a scratchcard.

And that's how we're going to end
a primetime TV show -

whether Channel 4 like it or not.

Hello!

Welcome back to the final
part of the show,

and a team task involving the
salvaging of spoons.

Don't mind if I do.

It's the team of two's turn now,

with Frankie directing
and Ivo hunting.

Ivo can you
see some spoons, my friend?

I can't see anything, Frankie,
I'm wearing some elaborate headwear.

Are you blind, Ivo?

They've blinded me, Frankie.

Only you can lead me to the spoons.

Turn to your left.

And we see the caravan there.

Walk forward, Ivo.

I'm hoping they've put
some spoons in this bath.

You're about to walk into
the bath at knee height

and hurt your shins.

Stop, stop! Stop, Ivo!

I'm at the bath.

There's a spoon right
in front of you.

On the ledge of the bath.

On the
left ledge, or the right ledge?

Both ledges.

Oh! Frankie I've got a spoon.

Put it in your spoon pouch, Ivo.

Oh, it's a strong magnet, Frankie.

You know, you don't need to
speak in this voice.

Oh, no, no.

I've picked up the
previous spoons by mistake.

Put your spoons in your pouch, Ivo.

Now can you have a good look
around, Ivo, so that I can check

there's no more spoons?
Look down...

..down, and then, do a 360.

No, let's wander off somewhere else.

You're dangling it too fast, Ivo!

There you are.

That was quite cross.
Get down!

Oh! Oh, there's one!

Ah, there's another.

You've had six minutes
out of the 16.

Let's case the joint
one more time. Where is it?

About a foot in front of you.

Now right over it now. Yes.

Can we go again?
Now, Ivo, I'm going to guide you

into a situation of some danger.
Stop there.

In front of you, there's a
little raised platform

that's about a foot high.

You don't want to walk into it,

fall over, and smash your face.

Forward, forward...

Good, right in front of you.
Ooh! There you are.

A treasure trove of three spoons.

This is more spoons than
I could've possibly imagined.

Any spoons on Greg? No.

You've got three-and-a-half minutes.

Ooh, Frankie lead me to the kitchen,

where there'll be the most spoons.

Keep going forward, then.
Go forward.

Have a look in the dome,
the dome might have spoons in it.

Yeees!

And you've dragged it into
another spoon.

It's a two-er.

Well done! Excellent work, Ivo.
Get out of there.

How much time have we got?

We've gotta get to that kitchen.

Ivo, you've had 15-and-a-half
minutes. Of how many?

All the information's on the task.

How many minutes have we got
in the whole task?

We've had 15-and-a-half minutes.

Really? I think we're nearly done.

Oh, come into the lab, then.

B...But Frankie,
what about the kitchen spoons?

Straight forward. Keep going,
desperately, quickly!

Run! It doesn't matter if you
hurt yourself, Ivo!

No, not in there, Ivo!

What did I tell you not to do?!

You greedy bastard!

You've got 30 seconds!

No, you don't.

What on earth?!

Oh...that's the spoon hub.

Frankie, we've had an
absolute shocker.

Where to start with this
Shakespearian tragedy?

It's worth pointing out that
Ivo didn't have to do

the high-pitched voice.

You'll notice it disappeared
immediately as I started

to panic about the time pressure.

Did you start to panic about
the time pressure, Ivo,

or did you go into the kitchen?

When I'd expressly told you not to?

I mean, it's a game of quotes
for me from Frankie, as well.

- My favourite...
- "I'm going to guide

"you into a situation
of some danger."

They did gather 22 spoons.
They were a great team.

Oh! And do you know what's going
to happen here, Ivo?

We're both going to lose
this episode,

and somebody's going to go up
there and win 70 grand

on a fucking scratchcard.

You may well be right.
Frankie was in the lead.

He's not won a show, Ivo,
you've won two.

So, points-wise, Greg, only one team
completed the task, they got...

So they're the only ones that
can get any points. Oh, I see.

5. Er, Jenny, Kiell, and Mae
all get 5 points each!

Quick look at the scores.
Yes, well, I can tell you that

Kiell is now in second place,

but Mae is in the lead with
18 points! Lovely.

All right, everybody, it's time to
stand up and get ready for

the final task of the show!

Having a little stretch?
Gentle stretching.

Why not. Who's going to read the
task out, you lovely bearded boy?

Frankie Boyle,
another loved bearded boy.

Two lovely bearded boys.

"Stuff all these things
in your team mate's outfit.

"If you're wearing a special outfit,
you must stay on your spot

"with your hands on your head
at all time.

"Fastest wins."

Straightforward stuff.

What I would say is you don't have
to put in the trolley -

everything but the trolley.

OK, on your marks, get set...

..stuff!

I've got a pocket.
I don't know what I'm doing, mate.

Is Ivo allowed to wiggle like that?
I think so.

It seems provocative.

It's all gotta go in,
it's all gotta go in.

That's a sharp frying pan.

Ahh!

Push the pan in, Ivo.

Oh, no!

Oh, it's close,
Frankie's away first.

Toilet roll on the floor.

Where's the plunger?
Don't know.

No, not up.

Well, it's actually...
it really exhausted me.

It made me clench my bottom up.

Yes, and Greg, that's not the end.

What? Ah.

Frankie, would you mind
reading out the second...?

This is a first for Taskmaster.

This is the second part for
just one of the teams.

"Say how many things you stuffed
in your team mate's outfit.

"If you're correct,
your points are doubled.

"If you're wrong, the other
team gets your points."

Yes, so the winning team,
which is the team of three,

have one minute to tell me
how many things they stuffed

inside Kiell's outfit.

If they are exactly right,
they will get 10 points each.

If they're wrong, the team of two
will get 5 points each.

That's crazy.
Can we take things out of his...?

You've got one minute to do
whatever you want.

Get the trolley out.
Your minute starts...

You hand to me, you hand to me.

Can I take my hands off my head now?
I'm counting, three... No.

..four, six, seven.

Wait, wait. Got it.

How many's that? Ten. 11. 12.

Oh, God!

20. 25. Five seconds. 27, 28....

Did you count these?
Er, yeah, yeah, yeah. 29.

Sorry.

That's your time up.

This is the most excited
I've been for ten years.

I'm going to need an answer,
team of three.

I can't say it out loud.

Go with your instinct. OK.

We're going to go with 29.

Please show them the birthday card.

It's just there on your left.

You love to see it.

It's 29!

Well done! Well done, well done.

We'll add all that up
and see how it's affected

the final scores. Come join me!

One of the most exciting final
tasks, we've had in my opinion.

Oh, yes - by miles, probably.

It's not been a good last 15 minutes
for the team of two, scoring-wise.

No. 15 points to these
in the last two tasks,

and 0 to these.

Which means Ivo is now rock-bottom
in the series, on 63.

Frankie on 69. Ah.

Kiell on 76. Mae 87. Jenny 88.

That's our halfway point
of the series.

That is terrible news to receive
with a toilet brush up your shirt.

And this episode, Mae Martin
wins it with 28 points!

Mae Martin wins!

Please leap to the stage to
luxuriate in your luckiest things!

So, what have we learnt today?

In these uncertain times of
climate change and political unrest,

a show like this should provide
much-needed light relief.

What none of us needed to
hear tonight was...

"No, Ivo, there's
no time to go into the kitchen!"

We're halfway, see you next time.

But for now, let's hear it for
the person at the top of

their game today, Mae Martin!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media