Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 4 - How Heavy Is the Water? - full transcript

Tension rises as there is heated debate among the contestants. There is also some alphabetic boat building, a shoeless game of bingo and several bottles of sand.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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Brace, brace. I'm bracing.

Hmm.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

No, no, no.

No!

Argh!

What?!

Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies and I'm the captain
of televisual flight number TM154.

There are only five passengers on
this journey.

Their chairs don't recline



for comfort, there are no lights
directing them towards

an escape route,
for there is no escape.

They're flying
by the seat of their pants

and the turbulence is

nasty.

But it will end well

for one of them as, when they return
home safely, they will win this

tasteless memento.

Thank you for flying TM Airlines
and THAT, thank God,

is the end of a broadly
unsuccessful analogy.

So please welcome our five rivals
once more.

They are Frankie Boyle.

Ivo Graham.

Jenny Eclair.



Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

And Mae Martin.

And to my left,
the answer to the question

"what does a corpse look like after
the hair continues

"to grow postmortem?"

It's...Little Alex Horne!

Good evening.

Double thumbs. Double thumbs. I'm
just on such a high at the moment.

How's that? Well, I spent the summer
in Italy and I loved it. OK.

Well, there was one afternoon
with the family, we went to

a field.

Whoa, it was amazing

and you won't believe it -
we saw a horse...

..fly.

No, we saw a horsefly.

We saw a horsefly.

We went to a cafe in Verona
and one of the waitresses watches

Taskmaster on YouTube.

Hello, Sylvia.

Let's get on with the prize task,
Alex. Right you are.

And just as you wearily demanded,
they've each brought in

the most fun thing to wear
on your head

that you aren't supposed to wear
on your head.

Greg will give five big ones
to the most fun thing

to wear on your head that
you shouldn't wear on your head and

the overall winner will take
all five things home

and wish they had five heads,

like the love child of Cerberus

and Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Hello, Mae. Hi. Mae, what thing have
you brought in

to pop on your head that you
shouldn't be popping on your head?

You're just gonna have to believe me
this is a lot of fun

and I don't really want to introduce
it any further than that.

Here's what Mae's brought in.
Oh, God.

It's me on my own head. So...

Which one's you?

No, uh-huh, no, exactly.

So basically, whoever wins this,
you get

a blow-up doll - lots of fun...

Well, famously.

I can't think of any reason
why it's good or bad.

Right. Well, it's a starter.
That's a start, that's a start.

Yeah. Frankie. Hello, Greg.
What have you brought in

that you shouldn't wear on your head
but you ARE wearing on your head?

Well, I have brought in

a meticulously recreated scene

from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang...

..which I have built out of

the popular figurines,

Sylvanian Families.

This is what Frankie spent his time
doing. Let's have a look.

I was hoping there'd be
a sinister twist,

and I presume
that's the Child Catcher?

It is the Child Catcher, but of all
the movies where

children are abducted,
this is the most light-hearted.

Did you actually build it yourself?

No, I got an art therapist to do it.

Perfect. Ivo, can you beat
the Child Catcher?

In a word, no. Um, but I do think
this fits the brief

because it's been used as
a joke in two of

the most popular comedy shows
of all time. It's a...

Turkey.It's a turkey.

We've all had a good old laugh

at Mr Bean or Courteney Cox's Monica
in Friends

wearing a turkey on their head.

Did Monica from Friends wear a turkey
that was quite that moist?

In an interview about

the experience, she described it
as disgusting.

I don't want to be too pedantic here

but in a task where
it is the most fun thing

to wear on your head,

and you've described

how a woman was deeply traumatised.

That's undeniably incisive stuff,
Frankie.

And you can rest assured, Frankie,

it's gonna score VERY badly.

It's gonna score badly?
Oh, God, yeah.

Worse than the Sylvanian Family?!

Yes, much worse.

Kiell is the only person
who can do worse. Hello.

Obviously, a goldfish bowl.

Here it is. I should say
it goes on your head,

your head does not go IN it
cos the hole is not big enough.

It depends on your head.

Mae, maybe? Old Pinhead Martin.

You don't need to say MAY maybe,
you just say maybe.

We'll pop it on Pinhead.

I guess it would be quite fun if
we can get Pinhead's head in it.

Imagine having that on your head!
Hway-yow!

Hang on...

May...may I?

Whey-hey-yow! And now try that

with a turkey on your head.

Jenny, can you do worse
than a turkey?

Oh, probably. Er, no, well,

there's two things you shouldn't put
on your head.

Well, one, these are two cliche
things.

Um, tea cosy - obvious. You know,
everybody does it, puts it...

Oh, God! Uh, and the other thing is
traffic cone.

Ah, but combine the two - I had

a knitted traffic cone
tea cosy made. Fun!

It is fun. It's quite good.

That is good.

You CAN put your nose through
that bit.

But it does fit on your head.

You look like quite a fun terrorist
when you put that on.

Ready. Oh, have you decided already?
Yep. Wow.

Uh, one point. To who?

Turkey boy. Well done, Ivo Graham.

I cannot believe that.

I think if I went around London
with Mae Martin on my head

I don't think they'd think I was fun.
I'm giving you two points.

Two points to Mae Martin. Oh, what?!

I do think your goldfish bowl's
quite fun.

Come on. You're gonna die in it.

I'm not gonna be putting my head
into it.

So, three points to Kiell.
Yeah, three points to Kiell, yeah.

Crazy. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
recreated on my head.

Or the tea cosy in the shape of a
traffic cone.

The shape of a traffic cone.

Four points to...?

Four points to Jenny,
five points to Frankie Boyle.

Well done, Frankie Boyle.
Congratulations.

Let's get things moving with
a task, please, young man.

OK, and this one is hard to beat.

Oh, here we go. Hello. Hi, Alex.

Oh! OH!

How good are you at it?
Really good.

They work.

Strike the most drum skins
and cymbals...

With a single throw of a bouncy...

..ball. Yes. You have a maximum
of 20 minutes.

Your time starts...

..now.

Bouncy ball drum solo.
A lot of balls.

I can't throw balls,
I can't play drums.

Right. This might take some thought.

I'm gonna use my wits
and my skills.

Uh-huh.

Which one was it that you used
just then?

Just then? The wit or the skills?
Wit.

Yeah. That was quite funny.
Shall we see the task?

Let's do it.

They're next to each other
in the alphabet on our seats

and now in a VT. What are the
chances? It's Jenny and Kiell.

This is like a sort of combination
of a nightmare,

but I think that being higher up
would be good. Right.

Oh, oh, oh, look that one!

Hmm. This is very, very hard
indeed. Hmm.

You want a sort of circular action.

That is a good angle.

Big balls, give me big balls. Right.

Back off, Alex, you could get hurt.
Right.

Ha-ha-ha, did you hear?!
Do it again.

Do it again? Yes. All right!

This needs to go.

It did it but it was too light to...
Why are you smirking?

Well, you keep doing the same thing
over and over again.

Push!

De-de da da-da da-da.

De-de da da-da da-da.

Seven. Yeah.

Do you think there's any way
of improving your system?

There's a way, then, there's
a way. There's a logical way.

There would be a way.

There would be a fucking way
and I haven't got it.

That's good.

It's very frustrating doing
the same thing over

and over again, just not getting
any better.

OK, these are your last ones.

I wasn't listening!
Was someone else listening?

We were filming it.
But were you LISTENING?

There's no other way!
There's nothing else I could do!

People will be screaming
at the television, "You silly cow."

Not SUCH a silly cow!

What do you think? Are you pleased
with your performance,
watching it back, Kiell?

There's some damn good beats.

Jenny, you spent
the vast majority of that task doing

the same thing, throwing one ball
at one drum. Yes.

It is the definition of madness,
isn't it? It is, and I like the idea

that you think everyone's gonna be
at home collectively

shouting "silly cow" at you. Yes.

It's like the soundtrack to my life.

There is always someone behind me
going, "Silly cow, silly old cow.

"Don't know what she's doing,
silly old cow."

Weirdly, Jenny did better
than Kiell.

What?! What?! NOT such a silly cow!

What do you mean? Well, you counted
to seven but you did only hit five.

That cannot be true.

You included some of the strikes
that weren't the drum skins.

They were just the drums.
I'm so sorry.

I mean, honestly, Kiell,
you are having

a fucking nightmare on this show.

It's the end of part one
and it's time for Alex

and I to do some intense yoga
while you watch the adverts.

First pose, my favourite,
the dolphin.

Both of us? Yep. OK.

Oh...

See you after the break.

Welcome back to Taskmaster.
It's part two

and I'm Greg Davies
and this is Taskmaster.

Uh-oh, he's finally lost it.

Before the break, our cast were
trying to strike

the most drum skins and cymbals with
a single throw of a bouncy ball.

Jenny and Kiell have been

but I wonder if
the next two can do better?

And it's a big "IF", as in it's
I-vo and F-rankie. Here we go.

I think it'd be quite nice
if Greg was playing the drums.

Are we going to him
or is he coming to us?

We're going to him.

It makes such

a satisfying sound even just
being kicked along the ground.

That's the worst bit so far.

It's a bouncier statue
than I'd anticipated.

Very calm, Frankie.

I feel very calm,
it's quite a soothing task.

All I've done is I've moved
the drums. That's all I've done.

Oh, pretty good.

Two.

Two...

One, one.

Greg's just there mocking me.

Still on three.

Still on three.
My first attempt, I think.

The first thing I did was

the best thing I did.

Sort of murky four.

Yeah, I'm happy with that.

That can't be the last thing I do.

I don't think a single one of those
got more than one.

Nice to see Kiell's smile come back.

It was the first task we did

and after it was finished,
I retired to a little room

and I sent some very angry texts
to some close family.

And then I thought about doing
what Frankie did for about a week.

Frankie.

I enjoyed it, it was very much like
art therapy.

That little giggle after you did

the first run really made
my heart sing, Frankie.

It would be a sad man
who didn't take joy in throwing

a bouncy ball at a cymbal.

This is the Channel 4 special,

Frankie Boyle's Moments Of Glee.

But, Frankie, in the end
you got eight in a row.

Ivo, three or a murky four

but, either way,
in last place at the moment.

Shall we see murky number five?

Murky number five and I apologise,
you won't enjoy this introduction.

Time for a drum march,

sorry, a drum April,

no, I mean a drum Mae.

Wey!

Here we go.

A single throw, eh?

Wait a second,
do you have the string?

Yeah, I've got string.

Ah. Yeah.

Why did you bring a hat?

To look good for this drum solo.

Isn't that what...is his name Slash?

Greg.

Single throw.

This is the solo bit. Right, lovely.

You finished? Yep.

Thanks, Mae. Thank you.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

I thought it was meant to be
just percussion,

not STRINGS and percussion.

Oooh!

Hoo-hoo-hoo! It's kicking off.

I felt for you there, Mae,

because uh, you expected,
I think rightly, everybody

to cheer you from the rafters,

but the whole audience sat there
like this.

Yeah, but this is like... Because
they don't like clever people.

Am I coming across smug?
What's going on?

I think people were confused -
is it a single throw?

It left my hand only one time
and the momentum continued

and it was travelling.

Can I just say purely
for the sake of argument,

if you went to a fairground

and they said,
"You've got a single throw

"to knock over this coconut," and
you went, "Thanks very much, mate,"

tied a string to the ball,

threw it once, and then started
swinging

the string around
until you'd knocked

the coconut over,

you might get a beating.

They're famously not that lenient,

the old coconut-shy guys.

I'm a little more forgiving probably.

What was the score?

Zero!

It's GOT to be zero!

It was one throw.

What I'll need is the definition
of a throw, I guess, but I...

I thought you would KNOW
what that word means.

But, I can... I can look it up.

Right, throw definition. Here we go.

To propel something with force
through the air by

a movement of the arm and hand.

Was there a throw at all? There was
definitely... There would have to be

an initial throw,
otherwise I would disqualify.

Would you like to see the initial
throw? Yes. Course we would.

We'll litigate this for hours.

Let's just check. Single throw.

See? There's then a jerk.

No-one said anything about a jerk!
If you're going from the momentum

of the throw...
A drop is not a throw.

Are you saying it's a drop?
You can't call a drop a throw.

There was definite wrist.

There's definite wrist, Greg,
but I don't throw

my penis across the room
every morning, do I?

Do you use string?

If you throw something on a string

and then jerk it backwards,
it's a cast.

Whoa!

Do you want me to look up cast?

Definition of cast.

Yeah.

This is my favourite thing ever.

I've been wrong too many times.

It is exciting, isn't it?

And do you know

the thing that's swinging it
in your favour the most?

Is it swinging it or throwing it?

Very nice. Yeah, well,

to cast means to move or send forth
by throwing.

So, we're back to where we started.

Oh! That's clearly where I've gone
wrong with fishing

because I've been doing this
when I should be throwing

the fucking rod.

That's it. I'm letting them get away
with it!

Which means, shall I sum up
the scores for you, Greg?

Let me just drink Kiell's face in.

Mmmm!

Well, in that case,
it's one point to Ivo, two to Kiell,

three to Jenny, four to Frankie
and five to Mae Martin.

There it is.

Let's have a look at the scoreboard.

OK, well, the winner of

the past two episodes, Ivo,
is in last place with two,

but Frankie's in the lead
with nine.

Despite arguably a terrible
injustice,

can we have another task, please?

Yes, and it's time to test

the five on their nautical
construction skills.

Hello.

Ah, goldfish bowl. Yep.

It's all wet.

Make the fastest egg boat.

Your egg boat must look like
a boat and transport an egg.

If your egg boat sinks or loses
its egg, you're disqualified.

That's a bit strong.

You have three minutes
to order five materials.

Oh. And then 15 minutes
to make your egg boat.

Also, all your materials must start
with the same letter.

And you can't order anything

boaty.

OK, your time starts now.

Certainly people make paper things,
don't they? Paper.

Polystyrene.

Plasticine.

But now I have to think about
other Ps. Yes.

A ball, like a tiny ball, like
a golf ball. Ball, ball for golf.

Balls - brackets - ping-pong.

Plastic, by which I mean
like clingfilm.

Plastic inflatable water wings.

Armbands.
They begin with P, do they?

Plastic inflatable water wings. OK.

Gaffer tape, gaffer...baffer,
baffer tape.

Could you get some baffer tape?
I don't know what baffer tape is.

It's like gaffer tape
but it's better.

I don't think I can get you
baffer tape.

Balloons.

A balloon.

Bras, umpteen bras.

I'll get you umpteen bras.

Banana. Bread. P...Plant.

Uh...bacon?

Baffer tape and umpteen bras?

Great band.

Baffer tape's the lead singer, is he?

Do you want to see them build?

I'd like to see their boat builds,
please.

Let's show them the boat builds.
Here's how they got on
making their egg boats.

Hello. You've got 15 minutes.

15 minutes from now?

What am I making again?

I was hoping
for a larger loaf of bread

so that I could put the bucket
in the plastic bag.

If it fits a golf ball, it will fit
an egg.

So, that's number one, that's done.

Oh, I don't get the egg?

Oh, I've got an egg on me
if you want.

Yes, I think it'd be quite good
to have the egg.

Thank you very much.

Great. I'd like it to be really
structurally sound,

you know fortified,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I'm gonna try
and remember origami boats,

which I last did maybe age seven.

Quite a lot of drugs and alcohol
have taken place since then.

You know these, the foamy tit cups?

They'll act as a buoyancy aid.

Awww!

I'm gonna need another balloon.

I'll take two if they're going.

It doesn't look like a boat yet. No.

Great. In you go.

Ah, it's looking like a boat now.

Why's it doing that?

Egg's gonna be in there
with a little hat on.

Mm-hm. You put the basket
in the water like this.

How heavy's the water?

Pardon? How heavy will the water be?

You're asking me
how heavy the water will be?

Yes. What is the weight of
the water?

What do you want me to tell you?

I want to know
how heavy the water is.

Right, well,
we're gonna use standard water.

Still? Still, yes, still. Mmm.

Yeah, I'm quite happy with that.

I haven't really needed Plasticine

or a plant.

There's only one thing for this,
then -

decorate the fuck out of it.

HMS Boat.

I think I've slightly neglected
the egg, actually.

It's a bad omen.

You going to eat your banana?

Right, first things first.

I mean, Jenny's boat is
an act of madness, isn't it?

I don't think
it was ANY of our finest hours.

Although I did write down the quote,

"These foaming tit cups
will act as a buoyancy aid."

I find the idea of

a seven-year-old Frankie Boyle doing
origami to be adorable.

There's been a lot of arts and
crafts in this episode,

hasn't there? Yeah, there has.

In that little video, you said,

but quickly you moved onto drugs and
alcohol.

So in this sort of biographical line,

origami was very much a gateway.

I just wish I'd kept it up during
the drug years.

Who knows what I might have created?

When Kiell asked for two balloons,
he did the cheekiest face.

It was THIS cheeky face.

I'll take two if they're going.

Mae's boat looked like

the most buoyant object ever created,

but it is "one shit boat",
is what I wrote down.

Ivo, I haven't mentioned your lovely
boat. Were you pleased with it?

I don't mind it, Greg.

It's been a terrible show,
and that's far from my low point.

If you want to see the egg boat race
of the century,

you're gonna have
to sit on your hands for

a few minutes and be patient,
thank you. Bye.

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where our egg boats

are under starter's orders.
Race, Alex?

Caucasian, Greg. But, let's...

..not dwell on that.

It's not a bad joke,
fair play to the boy.

It is now time
for the great egg boat race.

On your marks.

EGG set.

Boat!

'80s-STYLE POP ROCK MUSIC

Aww!

I don't think anyone was excited
by the race at all. Do you?

Not even them.

I was excited. Were you?
Yeah, loved it.

Where did you come, fourth? Yeah.

First in fun.

First in fun. First in fun.

Yeah, the timings were Mae 3:25,

Ivo 2:04, Jenny 1:46,

Kiell 1:45.
So close but, Frankie, 1:33.

Let's watch the beginning again.

That's the most exciting bit
when they jump out.

I love the beginning. This is the
beginning of the race. Here we go.

On your marks.

EGG set. Boat!

Egg off? Egg off. Egg off.

Egg overboard!

I had essentially just wrapped

an egg in some paper.

I can have few complaints.

Don't you put seven-year-old

Frankie Boyle's origami skills down
like that.

So, because Frankie is disqualified,

the egg was released,
he gets zero points.

Well, I don't know,
I'm thinking it still counts,

and I'm gonna give him the five.

Huh? I just said that

to have a look at Kiell's face.

It is zero to Frankie.
Zero to Frankie, I'm afraid.

It's two to Mae,
it's three to Ivo,

it's four to Jenny,

it's five points
to Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

I'm hungry for another task,
please, Alex.

Well, let me satiate that monstrous
appetite of yours

with a multitude of tasks
all wrapped in one.

Welcome to the hall. Oh, hi.

Bingo. Bingo. Bingo, it is.

There's nine tasks on the board
behind you

and one on the plinth.

Yes. If you could open the one
on the plinth, please.

I'll open the one on the plinth.

Always check on the back.

First to complete
a line or four corners wins.

The time starts
when someone shouts "bingo".

So I'll be pulling numbers
out of this. OK.

A ball will come out,
you've got to then open

the task that corresponds
with that number.

Once you've read it out, I'll shout
"bingo" and we're off. OK.

Let's play bingo. Love to.

Oh, no! My gate was open.

I wanna play bingo,
I don't want to mess around.

You're not alone.

5.5 million people play it at least
twice a week in this country.

Is that right? 8% of the country.
All of Finland.

Really? Go on, then.

All right, first to play bingo,
it's Kiell and Mae.

Let's play bingo.

Is there a number?

Heinz varieties, 57.

Two little ducks, 22.

OK.

Throw each of your shoes
onto a different roof.

Sit in the shed for three minutes

and think about
what you have done. Bingo!

Roof of the caravan.

Roof of the panel...house.

I did it!

All right,
let's carry on playing bingo.

Oh, we've got knock on the door, 4.

Tickle me, 63.

All right.

Make the bingo bin go out
of the main gates.

Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bag

and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.

I haven't got any shoes on!

OK? You're fully in. Get fully out.

Oh, man!

I got no shoes on!

I got no shoes on.

Right, two down,

Mae, you might get 60 here,
and that'll be a line.

It's not 60,

we've got Christmas cake, 38.

Put exactly four pints of water
in the pot.

I've got no shoes on!

Wait, the water's coming out
the bottom.

I might as well
just put it on the floor!

Yeah! Get out of it!

Five pints, three pints.

2,000 divided by five is 600,
600 x 4...

Come on, give me 38.

No, we've got rise and shine 29.

Scream "I have been in all four
rooms of the house,"

in all four rooms of the house.

I have been in all four rooms
of the house!

I have been in all four rooms
of the house! 38, please.

It's not 38.

53. Get a banana down from the tree.
Bingo!

That sounds like an outside job.
I don't have any shoes on!

That's 2,400.

Thank you. Dirty Gerty, 30.

Pop all but one bubble
on the bubble wrap.

Speak to John. Bingo!

Who's John?

This could be your line.

It's not great.

John? Argh!

I don't have any shoes on!

John?

Alex, who's John?

Oh, I don't know anyone called John.

Ah, now, then. Are we close?
Oh, yeah.

Stop the clock? Yep.

Thanks for calling John Lewis.

Is this, uh, is this John Hm-mh?

John Lewis. Yeah?

Customer services, yeah.

Great, all right, thank you.

I'll stop the clock.

Line. Thank you, Mae.
Congratulations, Kiell, bye-bye.

Not bad. Did Kiell have any shoes on
during that task?

It's very hard to tell.

Mae, meticulous as ever.

Yes, took their time
on the bubble wrap.

Lot of time, yeah, yeah.
20 minutes on the bubble wrap alone.

When will we get to meet
this character more,

the "get out of it" guy?

Get out of it!

Get aht of it! I liked him.

I saw him as a farmer, mid 60s?

Yeah. What sort of other stuff
does he put out, this farmer?

Rapscallions.

Is he married?

He was.

And what did he say
when he got divorced?

I can't wait to get aht of it!

So, yes, Mae 26:13.

Kiell, considerably quicker, 20:30.
Current leader.

Now, for the two you're most likely
to find in a bingo hall.

Oh, I'm not standing for this.

I'm not standing for this shit.

It's Frankie and Jenny.
Here we go, Frankie and Jenny.

Together as well.

Let's go, Jenny. Let's play bingo.

Well, we've got one.

We've got one.
Sitting in the tree, 53.

53. Get the banana
down from the tree.

Right I need a stick.
Sticky stick stick.

No. Banana. Wow.

It's not fair to penalise
the short arse.

Come to me.

Yes.

Throw each of your shoes...
Onto a different roof.

Bingo! No problem.

Bugger.

Bugger. Poor show.

Make the bingo bin go out of
the main gates.

Two shoes, two roofs.

Rise and shine, 29.

We're going all over the place
now. It's like a cruelty.

Achieved, Alex,

but at what cost?

I have been in all four rooms of
the house!

I have been in all four rooms of
the house!

I have been in all four rooms of
the house!

I have been in all four rooms of
the house!

Lovely screaming, Jenny.

Thank you. It's one of my skills.

Speak to John.

Who's John? Bingo!

John, John, can you help me?

I do know a John.

How you doing, John, you all right?

I'm not bad, mate. What's happening?

John? John?

Right, Frankie, there's five
numbers left.

Three of them would give you a line.

What have we got?

Grandma's getting frisky, 60.

Where's John? My feet hurt.
Oh, John.

Pop all but one bubble.

Where's the bubble wrap?

Has fucking John got it?

This is terrible because
this is not even someone I know.

This could be a line here, Jenny.

I'm gonna try and remove
a bit of bubble wrap.

Hello?

Oh, hi, sorry, John,
I'm really sorry,

I've just picked up Jeff's phone

and I've dialled you by accident,
I do apologise.

Bye-bye.

I got a John.

Line. Bingo.

Just need some of these, man.

The tasks? Yeah.

It's gone surprisingly well.

That is bingo, mate.

I'll stop the clock.

I think we got a hint
of the destruction that was

to come with you, when you were asked
to throw your shoes onto

the roof and you went, "No problem."

Yes. In the middle of that task,

I decided to go back to therapy.

Was it when you were throwing a bin

over the top of an openable gate?

Jenny, uh, seemingly lost in

the garden shouting, "John, John,

"my feet hurt, John.

Normally a scene that would be
followed by, "Come back inside."

Oh, don't.

I just had a glimpse into my future,
and it's awful.

So neither of them brought back
a banana,

but they did both bring back
the word banana. Banana sign, yes.

Are you happy with them bringing
back a "banana"?

No, it doesn't count as a banana.

Yes, thank you.

Even though it was a "banana".

Was there a banana up that tree?
There was a banana in the tree.

Then, they should have brought back
a banana.

Are you saying the word banana
isn't banana?

I'm saying the word banana
written on a sign is not a banana.

It quite clearly is a banana.

It's the word banana.

I would say also
it said to THROW your shoes onto

the roof, and Jenny placed a shoe
on top of the, uh...

I think she propelled it
with her arm and hand.

Please, let's not get into throwing.

Yeah, I mean, I hate myself.

You do have a problem
with this banana

so what do we do?
Because they were quick.

Jenny was 8:12, Frankie 14:38.

So first and second at the moment,
but what about this banana?

I might have to think about it
over the break. Ooh!

You've never done that before. No.

You normally go for a wee.

Remember, though,
just cos something's got

the word toilet written on it

doesn't mean it's a toilet.

I won't be pissing against the door.

I wasn't gonna eat the sign!

We're off again for a break.

We just don't have the stamina
we once did, it's sobering stuff.

When you come back,
someone will win a raw turkey

and consequently salmonella.

Hello, you sweet, sweet people,
you join us for

the final part of tonight's show

and the conclusion to our bingo gala.

Yes, I can't wait to see
what happens, even though

I know exactly what happens,
which is just weird, isn't it?

One person left to see,
and it's all his own doing.

It's Ivo Graham.

Knock on the door, four.

Get fully into the sleeping bag
then get out of the sleeping bag

and put the sleeping bag
fully into the sleeping bag bag.

Bingo!

There it is.

What?

That's in.

All right. Play again.

30. Speak to John.

Hello, Angie, is John there
by any chance?

No worries, I'll speak to him later.

Thanks very much, Angie. Bye.

Let's go, let's go again.

Sit in the shed for three minutes.
Um, let's go again, bingo again.

60. Oh, no.

This is arduous.
Let's go, let's go again.

53. 38. 22.

Actually, I might leave that.
Tickle me, 63.

Make the bingo bin go
out of the main gate.

Get a banana down from the tree.

It's shoe time.

Shall we see the last ball? Yeah.

I wonder what it's gonna be?

I'm having a bad time. 29.

I have been in all four rooms
of the house!

So, 63 will complete a line.

Every number will complete a line.

I'll sit in the shed.

It's gone terribly.

I think that was three minutes

but I didn't have
a way of measuring it.

So you sat in the shed for three
minutes? Yep. You're sure?

Oh, my God.

I sat in the caravan.

I'm calling my dad's friend
and my former doctor.

Oh, hello, Jonathan,

I'm so sorry I've rung you
by accident, I do apologise.

Well, it's lovely
to hear you too. I'd...

Oh, terrific.

Oh, right.

You must shout "line"
when you've finished.

Um, have a lovely weekend.
Give my best to the boys. Bye.

Line!

Sometimes, rather than

a lot of chit-chat, you can just
sum things up with an image.

Yes, let's do that.

Right, let's give some points out,
shall we? OK.

We're gonna drop the banana sign
people by one point. OK.

I can tell you what the scores are.

Mae 26:13, just the one point.

Ivo was 25:27,

so still faster than Mae, somehow.
Two points.

Kiell, three points
with his 20 minutes

then Frankie and Jenny were meant
to get four and five

but Jenny gets four, Frankie gets
three, the same as Kiell.

That's it, Jenny wins the task
but only four points.

Oh, my God! Argh!

OK, well, I've done the
calculations.

Ready for the scoreboards?
Oh, God, am I?!

Rock-bottom, Ivo Graham with seven.

Rock top,
Jenny Eclair with 15 points.

It's that time again,
please head to the stage for

the final task of the show.

Hello, Corporal Good Boy.
Good evening, Captain.

Who's gonna read out the task?

This time Jenny Eclair's gonna
read it out.

Excuse me.

Pour your sand into
the other bottle.

Slowest to pour their sand into
the other bottle wins.

You must pour your sand

from at least a foot above your
other bottle.

If there is a break in your sand
stream, you are disqualified.

Would you like to discard the task,
Jenny?

Oh!

So, at all times your bottle must be
above that blackboard.

Are we trying to pour it
the slowest?

Yes, so slowest wins.

If there's any break in your sand
stream, you are out.

You must start your pouring within
two seconds

of me blowing the whistle cos
it'll take a while to come out.

This is electric television.

It's gonna get...it's gonna get even
more electric.

Oh, God, he's got no shoes on!

Oh, he's got no shoes on.

I don't wanna get this shit
in my trainers.

Why would you get shit
in your trainers?

Because I'm gonna miss the bottle.

OK, is everyone ready?
Last person still pouring wins.

Ohh!

- Has anyone broken a stream yet?
- Nope.

Ivo, it's got to be a foot, Ivo,
it must be a foot.

It's like having
a really worryingly long piss.

Being our age,
this sort of stream's quite common

for Frankie and I.

Do you know what?
I thought this was gonna be

shit telly but I'm actually
quite enjoying this.

It's like an art therapy themed
episode.

Mae has completed the task.

Frankie's completed it.

Kiell has also completed it.

Don't go any lower than that, Jenny.

Oh, I see. Oh, you...

We're done.

We'll work all that out
and then work out the points.

Come back down
and join me for a while.

As someone who was just
observing it,

I'd say there's
some hearts gonna be broken.

Obviously, as we made clear,

if the sand stream was broken,
instant disqualification.

You're out.
We've analysed the footage

and there was
an early disqualification.

So, I'm gonna show you the moment

the first disqualification happened
three seconds after

I blew my whistle.

Kiell there. Fuck off.

Well, Kiell, there was no sand
between either bottle.

I don't see any blue sand either,
if I'm being totally honest.

Mae, exactly that, so I'm sorry
to say we have lost Kiell and Mae.

Seven frames later,
there's no red sand.

Frankie. Frankie, there was a break
in the sand stream.

To be honest, the whole episode
has been such

a thrilling journey
through language and meaning.

Two seconds after Frankie broke
his stream... Yep.

..Ivo Graham broke his stream.

I emotionally processed that about
half an hour ago. It's all right.

Just Jenny left, but six seconds
after, this happened.

They're all disqualified,

zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.

That's the end of the task. Whoo!

What a rush to finish on. And...?

And we need to apologise
to the viewers. Sorry.

It does mean we have
a brand-new winner of Taskmaster.

Ivo came last, but with 15 points,

Jenny Eclair wins an episode! Oh!

Jenny Eclair is tonight's winner.

Please head up to have some fun
with your things on your head!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that in the unlikely
event that Morrissey sees sense

and reforms the seminal '80s band
The Smiths, they need look no further

for their album cover than this.

But, at the end of the fourth
episode, there is just one winner,

and that winner is Jenny Eclair.
See you next time!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media