Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 3 - I Love to Squander Promise - full transcript

Jenny Eclair has the best time of her life, while Ivo Graham has the worst. Mae Martin finds a clock. And the pressure is heaped on the contestants in the all important Sausage Exam.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
Brace, brace! I'm bracing.


No, no, no, no, no!




This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Hello, and welcome!

I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.

In my quest to ensure the tasks
we set are righteous challenges,

I have attempted to consult with
many wise people of influence.

Ursula von der Leyen's people said

she was too busy to meet.

I discovered, to my great dismay,

that Nelson Mandela was
no longer with us.

And the Dalai Lama was especially
insistent he would not

grant me an audience.

It was left to '90s film star
Steven Seagal to give me the advice

that became the foundation
for the whole series.

In a 90-minute Zoom call,
he only said two words.

"Break them."

Let's meet those about to be broken.

They are Frankie Boyle...

..Ivo Graham...

..Jenny Eclair...

..Kiell Smith-Bynoe...

..and Mae Martin!

And next to me, a man who told me
he doesn't know much about politics,

but he thinks that poor people
should "stop moaning and

"pull their flipping fingers out."

..little Alex Horne!

Did I...did I say that?

Hello, everyone.

So... So, here we are.
..what we chatting about?

Well, I thought I might just answer
a couple of the viewer's emails,

if that's all right? Yep.

They keep flooding in,
these questions.

Thanks for your message, Maxine.

Yes, the iPad is real,
it controls the screen,

and also the heating...
in Greg's throne.

Er, Patricia, you win
this week's cash prize, £40,

because you were the only one who
correctly located my third nipple.

Well, you can see it if you want.


And that's the end of my section.

Let's crack on with a prize task.

OK. Yes, please, on we go.

I can't bloody wait.

And for show three, they've each
brought in what they think is

the most heroic thing. OK?

Greg's going to judge them,

and the most heroic thing
should get 5 points -

as long as he doesn't go all
whacky with his scoring.

9 points, no, 1 point.

I dunno, everyone can
have 17 points.

He's a wonderful boss.

The winner of the episode will,
of course, take home

all five heroic things.


Ivo, how are you?

I'm extremely well, and excited
about this prize, if I may?

I've handcrafted a model of your
face out of Hero's chocolates.

Yes. Looks like someone's got
himself 5 sweet points, I'd say.

Let's have a look, then.
I would have a look. Here it is.

It's a pretty strong opener,

to have my face made out
of chocolates.

Heroic. Heroic.

And you're my hero. Yeah.

Oh, no. Bit desperate, that.
But you've gotta...

Gotta get everything you can,

before he starts talking
to someone else.

Hello, Jenny.
What have you brought in?

OK, the biggest hero in my life was
my father, who's now dead,

so obviously, I get some
points for that.

Erm, and I've got some of his DNA.

I brought his DNA in.

Here it is.
Jenny Eclair's father's DNA.

It's his hair.

Oh, God.

How the hell can I score
a chocolate face above this?

It's an incredible prize task.

Thank you. Incredible.

In the truest sense of the word.

Kiell. OK, so...

Actually, before that,
if you do get a point

for dead dad, count me in.


Is dead dad anything to do
with this heroic task?

It can be, if it helps?

Do you want me to press the button?
Yeah, yeah.

Right, Kiell's brought in this.

It's a cape made out of a sheep,

made out of Julio Iglesia's
son's face.

And that's Enrique.

Unusual way of introducing
Enrique Iglesias.

Talk about why this is heroic.

Erm, cos he can be our hero, baby.

Oh, it's quite a literal...

Sometimes, the simple ideas
come through and win. Mm-hm.

Sometimes. Sometimes.

Not always.

Who's next? Frankie, you all right?

I have brought in
this superhero fan art.

OK. Deep breath. Ready?

It's Wolverine
and Captain America...

..being heroic.

Fuckin' hell.

Why, er, is this heroic?

I know that they're
literally heroes.

This is a huge step forward.

We've had a gay Superman
from DC last year,

which I loved the idea of.

It's just that things have to be
approached carefully

with a gay superhero. Yeah.

Cos if you got a blowjob
off Superman,

he might suck you inside out.

I don't think Frankie wants to be
a part of this show any more.

I mean, there is a fair amount of
fan fiction in this show anyway,

about you and I, Greg.
Yeah, there is. D'you know that?

There's just lots of stories,

imagining Alex and I
as lovers online.

Some of the titles are
"I Want To Ruin Our Friendship"...

.."Filthy Little Ferret,"

"Master of the Tasks"...

Hang on, let me just enjoy
"Filthy Little Ferret."

Hello, Mae. Let's go.

A hero is somebody that
looks out for the little guy,

you know what I mean? Yeah, I do.

So, with that in mind,
I've created and designed

the Coward's Glasses.

Phew. This one's safe.

These are the Coward's Glasses.

Oh, thank God. Yeah, OK, so...

Let's say Ivo is on a date
with a brave woman.

Your go-to coward. Yeah.

If ever you need a coward,
here I am. Yeah.

So...or let's say he's, like,
he's trying to impress his dad,

Frankie, by being tough in there,
like, watching a football game

and he's scared someone's going
to get injured,

and you want to close your eyes -

you flip down the glasses...
Like this.

Nobody can tell
that you're a coward.

Everyone can tell.

All right,
you have to judge now, Greg.

I'll go from the top to the bottom.
I think you should. Right.

Erm, obviously Jenny's father,
RIP, gets 5 points.

5 points for Jenny Eclair. Yes!

Good work.

Now, then.

Let's put the hero sculpture
above the...

..above Wolverine.

Oh, right, so 4 points to Ivo,
3 to Frankie.

Yeah, that's correct.

Yep. Yeah.

So, it's just between
the glasses...

..and that shit cape. Right.

I don't think mine's that shit.

I don't think mine's that shit,
and I designed them myself.

You didn't make that cape.

I think you did make those glasses.

I did.

2 points to Mae, 1 point to Kiell.

What?! It's done, there you go.

Let's have a task.

You did really well, Greg.
Thank you, good boy.

And if you maintain a herb garden,
this one's for you -

because it involves some careful
and dedicated "thyme-keeping".

Oh, get fucked, mate.
Cos it's a pun on "time".

Hi. Hello, Mae. Hello.

Have fun in my house. Thank you.

Kiell. All right?

You may enter my fun palace.


Oh-ho, it's damp in here,
innit, hey? Hey? Damp!

Do you like it? It's very nice.

"Exit the caravan exactly 20 minutes
after you entered the caravan.

"Also, to complete the task,

"you must write down and
say 40 words.

"Each word must either be
the same length,

"or shorter than the previous word.

"Closest to exactly
20 minutes wins."

When do we go, when do we start?

It started when you entered
the damp caravan.

Oh, what?! It's started already?

Is this a minute? Are these minutes?
Oh, I don't know.

The problem is, while you're
working out your method,

time is passing in exactly.

It's doing its best.

I think it's pretty straightforward,
so I'm quite keen to crack on.

Shall we? Yes, and up first,
it's the two people

for whom time moves quickest,

because they are older than
the others. That's...

I knew that was coming.

It's Jenny and Frankie, of course.
Here we go.

Well, having been a stand-up
comedian for a lot of years

where we worked in 20-minute sets,

maybe I know what 20 minutes is.

So, I'm going to trust
my internal clock for that,

and I'm going to find a pen.

Right, I'm going to concentrate
on the words. So, 40 words.

You're concentrating on that,
rather than the time? Yeah. Yeah.

I'm trying to think of
the 20-minute stand-up set.

Oh, that's a good idea.

"Progression." I've gone for it
at the top, so that's...11.

What's your first word there, Jenny?

"Imagination." Lovely.

"Progressive" is also 11.

I just thought of something.

Where does it say
it can't be the same word?

It could be the same word
done 40 times.

How long have you been in
the caravan?

I reckon five minutes.

Which word are you going to
write down 40 times?

Well, I like "imagination".

It's slightly ironic, writing
imagination 40 times. Yeah, I know!

How many words have we done?

Nine. Nine, OK.

I suppose the real worry is
this is going to take

a lot longer than 20 minutes.

How much time have I got left?

How much time do you think
you've got left? About 12 minutes.

Can I check how long you've been
in the caravan for?

I reckon I've been here
about nine minutes.

The crowd are just starting
to turn ugly.

That'll be nine minutes, then, yeah.

How much time have I got left?

How much time have you got left?
You asking me again? Yeah.

Right, no, I still can't tell you.

I thought I might catch you
off guard.

Always on guard.

This isn't working, is it?
Well, it's indoors.

Oh, does that make any difference?

I'll do the 40 words now.

Imagination, imagination,

Imagination, imagination,

Jolly, lolly, sorry,
silly, welly...

I thought about not going
from "silly" to "willy".

I tried to stop myself,
but I circled back.

Imagination, imagination...

Lamp, rams, ram, no...

Imagination, imagination,



Right, that's either 20-ish,
or I've...panicked at 17.

I reckon I've done 20 minutes.

OK. I think that that's a 20-minute
set at the Bear Cat Club, 1993.

"Thank you very much!
Let's hear it, Jenny Eclair! Yeah!"

I think I might've done
half an hour.

I've always outstayed my welcome.

I disagree. I'm very sorry.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

It's quite a big thing in
the world of stand-up,

getting the 20 minutes right.

And it would appear at least
one person's internal clock

is bang-on still.

Yeah, neither of them used any of
the time-keeping devices that we...

I didn't even notice
that there were any there.

No, you didn't, no.
You didn't need them.

It's sort of terrifying,
how accurate you are.

He walked out on 23 minutes, 21.

It's not bad.

What about Jenny Eclair at
the Bear Cat, circa 1993?

Yes, well, she feared the worst -
she feared she'd done half an hour.

In fact, it was ten minutes 57.


No, is that all?! Ten minutes.
Is that all I did?

Just over.
I got bored of myself, didn't I?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Oh.

At last, time for a little breather.

Lovely. Bye!

Hello, everybody!

Welcome to the second part of the
show, where the cast are trying

to leave the caravan after exactly
20 minutes, with no obvious way

to keep track of the passing time.

They also need to write down
and say 40 words,

and that each word must either be
the same length or shorter

than the previous word.

It's time for Mae and Kiell.

No idea how to use one of them.

Ooh. That's interesting.

That leads me to believe
there may be a...

..clock hidden somewhere.


What have you got there?
Little mirror.

Maybe I can see something from here.

Uh-huh. What're you looking at?

Not much. You?

Can I step in the sink?
Yeah, you can step in the sink.

Oh, yeah!

So, right now, it's 1.31. Right.

So, when that long hand
is about here.

Is that how clocks work?

"Same length or shorter."

What, in letters or syllables?

Oh, it's up to you I suppose.

You know what I could do?
Look in a book.

I could look in a -
if there's a book around.

Yeah, there are books around.
They're full of words.


How many letters has
the word "balloon" got?

Is this a joke?



19, 20 - I have to pick it up,
but I'm going to check on the time.

We're going up, are we? Yep.


It's not moving.

The clock's not moving.

Clock's not moving? No!


Really annoyed that cameraman
just took his watch off.

That's going to cause some problems.

Did you spot a cameraman's watch?


It's gone now.

Don't come now!

You've ruined it.


What happens now?

I think I've been in here about
20 minutes, I really do think so.

I've got to write some more words
down fast, and then,

I'll get out of here, I think.

"Outrageous" - I'm writing.

Oh, right.


40 words.

"Vile." Oh, this is taking too long.

Crest, cross, point, course, badge.

Stop the clock, please.

Get me out of here!

Thank you, Kiell.

Thank you.

How does it make you feel
that Alex would mount a clock that

doesn't work on the roof
of the caravan?

Ah, now I need to point out here
the clock was working,

but it rained during May 10th,
and then, stopped working.

Oh! I thought it was one of your
sneaky things that makes you go

all fizzy under your duvet.

I-I was outraged. Yeah.

Shall I tell you how long they
spent in the caravan?

Tell me how long
they spent in the caravan.

OK, well, remember that Frankie
was just over 23 minutes. Yeah.

Kiell, 24 minutes, 20. Mm!

Mae left the caravan
in 19 minutes and 48 seconds.

That is a tight set.

Next, it's Ivo.

So, let's say we've had 80 seconds.

Probably had two minutes now.

Broken the skull.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for something that
measures time in the caravan.

Oh, OK.

I reckon I've had three minutes now.

Oh, I can just work out
what unit of time one of these is.

Of course. One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi.

Eight Mississippi.

40 Mississippi.

21 Mississippi.

25 Mississippi.

48 Mississippi.
It looks like it's a minute.

Right, so that's a minute.

I could check it again.

Let's see if it's a set of
multicoloured, er,

one-minute egg timers.

One Mississippi. Two Mississippi.

30 Mississippi.

40 Mississippi.

35 Mississippi.

39 Mississippi.

Er...40 Mississippi.

Erm, 41 Mississippi.

42 Mississippi.

That's only 45 seconds.

These one's are still going.

There are ways of working this out.

Maybe that is a minute.

I can't put you through
the Mississippi again.

I-I've lost count.

I was doing a silent round
of Mississippis.

There's a clock on the roof!

It's not making it easier.

We're getting quite close
to exiting the caravan.

Excuse me! What's the time?

25 past!

25 past five! Thank you!

So, at 13 minutes into the task,
it was 5.25.

So, the task will finish at 5.32.

Better get on with
these words, though.



That's a minute.

"Task. Top. Sit."

That's another minute.

"Pest. Post."


That's 40.

Excuse me! What's
the exact time, please?

5.30! Thank you.

We'll just have one more
of those, I think.

Nearly there.

It's now 5.32. It's been 20 minutes.

I think it went brilliantly.

Sometimes, confidence is all
it takes, isn't it?

Erm, with the wisdom of hindsight,

do you regret
the Mississippi system?

Yes. Obviously quite galling
to watch four videos of

the other contestants not using
the egg timers at all...

..knowing quite how emotionally
dependant on them I became.

But then, you very cleverly opted
for screaming at golfers?

Screaming at golfers.

He thinks it went brilliantly.

He does. You know what? I agree.

What? It did go pretty brilliantly.

Mae, of course, 19.48

Frankie, 23.21.

Ivo, 23.17.

It's not bad.Oh!

But you lead him
to believe he'd won.

I did but, that's partly because
there's a little bit of extra admin.

I looked at the word length again
for some of the contestants. Yeah.

I've gotta show you this.

Each word had to be the same length
or shorter than the previous.

I don't need this.

Egg, wet, cat, dog, hat...

Also, Kiell only did 39 words.


On a number of counts, Kiell is out.

Mae, interestingly, went for
the length of word

by syllable, not letters. Yes.

"Humiliate" is definitely longer
than "outrageous".

I can't believe that's the word,
too. Yeah.

You guys don't know how you
pronounce that word in Canada.

Ah. How do you pronounce it
in Canada?

With a letter missing?

Is it like aluminium?

It's like hoom-liate.

Is Kiell going to defend his
39 words, including "mice"

being shorter than "vet"?

Well, it is in height.

What it does incredibly
mean is that Jenny,

with ten minutes, gets 3 points.

0 to Mae, 0 to Kiell.
Frankie gets 4,

but Ivo wins the task,
and 5 points!

Erm, I'd like a scoreboard, please,
Alex. 'Course you would.

Er, Kiell is weirdly on just
1 point after two tasks.

Ivo on 9! He's in the lead.
There we go. Wow.

More tasks, please!

Right. Belt up, Greg, here we go.

Hello, Alex.

Hello, Ivo.

Hello, Frankie. Hiya.

Hello, Mae. Please stand in
the dangerous hole.


Whoa! Got ya.

Oh, this is very exciting.

It's, sort of, industrial chic,
isn't it?

Yes, it's very dangerous. Oh, wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Yep, it's so dangerous,
you have to wear this potato hat.

OK, OK. Right.

Based on my knowledge of my head,
this isn't going to fit.

How's it look?
Oh, it looks tremendous.

Thank you.

Look, there's spuds
and little animals.

I don't think I've seen you
this excited before.

I find this terribly thrilling,
I really do.

Would you like me to read this?

"Catch the potatoes in
the potato hat.

"You must be sitting on the catching
stool wearing your potato hat,

"and you must not touch anything
at any point."

Not touch anything?

"And you must not touch
anything at any point."

"Anything in your hat that is not
a potato will be subtracted

"from your potato total.

"Anything in your hat that is not
a potato will be subtracted

"from your potato total.

"Highest potato total..."



"Highest potat-otal wins.

"The conveyor belt will start moving
in three minutes from now."

OK. Fuck!

Oh, this sounds brilliant.

I'll be so bad at this.

Who, of our five, do you think
would most likely wear

the potato hat anyway?
In free time?

Er, after three? One, two, three.

Jenny Eclair.

It was one of the best moments
of my life, this next task.

I'd just thought it was great.

I can't recommend it enough.

Set one up at home.
God, what a laugh.

Come on, then, let's see these
potato-hatted goons.

All right. First of the goons,
it's Jenny, Frankie, and Kiell.

Now, then, I've got three minutes
to, sort of, think about this.

I see, I should memorise the order.

Not potato, two potato, not...oh.

Not, hot, hot, not, not, not, hot.

Potato, potato...

Miss three.

And then, I go not, pot, pot,
not, not, pot, not.

Would I be allowed a piece
of paper and a pencil?

If you'd like that.

I got a pen, or something.

Not, pot, pot, not, not, pot, pot.

Potato, potato, not, not, not.

Turning it on in 30 seconds.

Okey doke.

This is terribly exciting.

I want to miss the first one,
so I'm leaning out.

Once that goes,
I'll spring into action. OK.

I'm going to turn on the machine
in five seconds, Kiell.

Yep. Pot, pot...

Good luck. Thank you.

And here we go.


Here comes the one to miss.
Where is it?

He's hit me.

First one's not!

Pot. Pot.

Oh, I fucking...

They're not going in
the fucking hat!

Ah, God!


Pretty much the potatoes are the
only thing that don't go in the hat.

Not! Argh, that is!

That's a not, and now,
these two are.

Where are we in your sequence?

I might wet myself!

I don't think I've had so
much fun in years.

Pot. Oh, another one?

Oh, shit!

Ah, gosh! What's all that?

Do you still remember
the pattern, Kiell?

Yeah, but, like, it's finished now.

It might repeat.


There's a lot of stuff there.

Does it keep going even after
what I saw? I see.

No, I didn't want that one!

Oh, God. There! That felt potatoey.

I don't want to catch the last two.

I'm just happy to have some stuff
in the hat, at this stage.

How's the system?

The system is that.

Oh, that hurt.

Oh, no, that was light!
I don't want that.

Shake it out, shake it out.


And that was the last one. Hm.

Finished! Thank you very much,
Kiell. Thank you.

Would you mind giving me your
potato hat back?

Slightly disappointing tally.

Oh, man.

I mean, you could pretty much
eat that. That's gone well.

Cheeky, that.

Very cheeky.

I mean, I honestly don't know
where to start, really.

I mean, it was a
collective disaster.

Erm, Kiell, how confident were you
at the not-pot-pot system?

I was like, "I've smashed this,"

and I was confident that no-one else
would've thought of that process.

And indeed, they didn't.

And before I sat down,
I was like, "I've won."

None of them banked
on the pattern repeating.

We didn't warn them of that,
and that was a sneaky trick.

But it did repeat exactly,
so if you'd stuck to your

pot-pot-not-pot-pot system,

you could've reclaimed glory.

Yeah, now you tell me. Right.

OK, well, Frankie, who just ended up
loading his hat full of everything,

21 potatoes and 23 animals.

Potat-otal of -2.

Ohh, well done, Frankie.

Positive potat-otals for
the other two.

Er, Kiell, 22 potatoes,
19 not-atoes.

Jenny, ten potatoes, six not-atoes

so Jenny, 4, Kiell, 3,
Frankie, -2 at this stage.

Oh, God, it's tense. Well-played!
Well-played. It's very tense.

Serious stuff.

Right, break time.

You - get off that sofa, drop to
the floor, and give me ten.

You've let yourself go, look at
the state of that dressing gown.

Is it any wonder she
suggested separate rooms?

It's got nothing to do
with your snoring!

Hello! Welcome back again.

I guess it's the start
of part three, then.

You guess right!
Congratulations, Greg.

Before the break, they were
trying to catch as many potatoes

as possible in their potato hat.

Any non-potato counts against
the potat-otal.

Three have been, and sure,
they gave it a go,

but now for two top-hat
tato-titans, hopefully.

It's Mae and Ivo.

No, yes, yes...no, no, no, yes.

No, yes, yes, no, no, no.

No. Yes, yes.

No, no, no, yes.

No, no, no, yes.

No, yes, yes...

I just can't learn it in time.

One minute. Have you got a pen?

Do you want a pen? Yes, please.

Oh, no, I can't touch anything
at any point!

Now you'll be sitting there,
facing forwards.

Hey, wh-what are those?

No, yes, yes, no, no, no, yes.

There they are! Yes!

Davies is the potato.

No, hang on.

Davies, yep.

Here it goes.

No, no.


There's Greg - the potato.

There's not a potato.

Two potatoes, please?

Argh, I've lost it.

Yep, yes. Yes. No.

No, that was yes. Oh!

Back on the no-potato.

Argh! I mean, I've got no idea
now, obviously.

So, that's a potato, that's a
potato, that's not a potato,

so we've just had double potato.

Waste of time the three minutes
before this were.

Like, what a complete waste of time.

Yes, yes,

no, no,

yes, no,

yes, yes.

I can't recover this now.

No, yes, yes.

Oh, look, it's there, as well.

Maybe follow the pattern.
Yeah, but...

So, that's a potato,
s-so that means...

..there's probably more. Argh!

No, no,

fuck, I lost it. Yes.

I think this might be
my least favourite task.

The whole thing, like, just,
what, what, what...

and we should all be ashamed.

And that's your lot.

I think I've done pretty well.

So, did anything you planned work?

No. No.

But I don't care...
because it's so stupid.

So promising, though, Ivo.

You cracked the system.

Yeah, I love to squander promise.

So, Ivo refused the pen because he
thought if he touched a pen,

he'd be disqualified.
You're not meant to touch anything.

Obviously, Frankie and Jenny
did touch a pen.

How do you feel about that?

Oh, God in Heaven,
I can't bare this!

I-I don't want to know.

Oh, no! It was one of
the happiest days of my life,

and now he wants to spoil it.

And her dad's dead! Yeah!

Well, shall I tell you how
Ivo and Mae did first?

Yeah, yeah, and I'll make a call
on it afterwards. OK.

Mae - they cracked the system
and stuck to it,

and didn't get fazed by the
pattern repeating, like Ivo did.

There was no panic.

Seven animals in the hat,
but 22 potatoes!

Ivo, on the other hand... Yeah.

..11 potatoes, ten animals.
Potat-otal, 1.

Positive. It's a positive score.

So, without the pen problem,

it would be 1 point to Frankie,

2 to Ivo, 3 to Kiell, 4 to Jenny,

and 5 - it's definitely
5 points to Mae Martin.

Are we changing the numbers?

On this occasion,
we'll let it slide.


Has he let it slide?
Did you let it slide?

Yes? He's let it slide.
He's let it slide?

He has! He's let it slide!

Can I have a task featuring

my favourite type of thing,
please, Alex?

Oh, do you mean unreasonable
and prolonged violence?

Yes, please. All yours!

One for all...
Ow! I've hit my head. Oh, dear.

It's a shame you got hit.
Hello, Mae. Hello.

Hello, Jenny. Hello.

Hello, Kiell. Yo. Hi.

Hello, Ivo. Hello, Alex.

This is Frankie. Hello.

Are you all ready?

Yeah. Ish.

Are you ready?

Very ready.

Here it comes.


Right at nut height. Yeah.

Back to you?

Watch out!

"Choreograph the most elaborate
and enthralling fight scene,

"then perform it in slow motion.

"Your fight scene must
take five minutes,

"and will then be sped up
so that it lasts one minute.

"You have a total of 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."

How about you fight both of us?

What, you come at me together?
Yeah. OK...OK. Right.

How's your fighting?

Er, I am weak...and cowardly.

So, I'm very happy
to take the role of victim.

OK. Whoo-ah-ha!

Wow. That's pretty good.
That's one I can do.

My initial thought is we
start hand-to-hand,

then move to weapons.

Erm, yeah.

You say that every task.

Well, I'm very much
looking forward to this.

I thought that the introduction
from Ivo and Frankie

looked like the world's
most sinister children's show.

"Welcome to the caravan."

"Hello, children."

"We're going to be making some stuff
with gaffer tape today."

Is it time to fight?

Yes, I'm very much looking forward
to seeing hand-to-hand,

followed by weapons.

The first fight of the night
sees Kiell and Mae

bravely taking on Jenny Eclair.

This'll do it.

Oh, no!

Ahh! Ahh!

This was a bad idea.

Oh! Ow! Oww!

I had plans for this evening.

I'm very interested to drill down
into the narrative of your fight,

if that's OK? Who were you?

You were just a lady? I was a baddy.

You were the baddy? Super-villain.

Oh, yes! A super-villain, yeah.

You snuck up on the super-villain
in the shed, but she came out

of her snooze, she opened the door,

and knocked you both out briefly.

She hoom-liated us. Yeah.

Right! That's the end of part three.

But a world of wonder awaits us
in part four - by which I mean,

one of these doofuses is going to
have to try and celebrate onstage

with an Enrique Iglesias cape,
and some of Jenny's dad's hair!

Hello! Here we go, then, part four.

And we're in the middle
of a melee, Alex.

Yes, we saw Jenny clobber
team-mates Mae and Kiell

into submission, but now it's
Frankie Boyle versus Ivo Graham.

Oh, hello.


I mean, it was powerful.

Frankie was the Taskmaster in
a different universe, is that right?

I was a bailiff coming to evict Ivo,

and then, Ivo seemed to call on
some kind of clone army.

A couple of him were my
actual children.

Your actual children?
My actual children who,

let's be honest, put the boot in.

It was such a lovely moment when
Frankie Boyle's children agreed

to help beat him up.

The criteria were the most elaborate
and enthralling fight scene wins.

All right, well,
they were both elaborate,

and they were both -

both of them enthralled me,
one slightly more than the other.

But I'm going to give them both
high marks for this. Oh?

I'm going to give Frankie
and Ivo 5... Congratulations.

..but I really loved theirs,
as well, so I'll give them 4.

I can cope with that.
5 points and 4 points!

Let's have a quick look at
the scores. Of course.

Oh, you won't believe it.

Two people have got twice as
many points as Kiell,

they're joint leaders,

Ivo and Jenny both have 16 points!

Here we go, then,
please head to the stage for

the final task of the show!

It's like a scene from
a modern-day Oliver.

Who's going to read the task out?

Kiell Smith-Bynoe is going
to read the task out, please.

"Know the most facts
about sausages."

"You have 100 seconds to learn
some facts about sausages.

"Best score in
the sausage exam wins."

Inside their desks,
they've got a sausage fact sheet.

They've got 100 seconds
to look at it and learn it,

and then, Greg Davies will host
the sausage exam.

Hello, Frankie.

If we already know quite
a lot about sausages,

do we have to recuse ourselves?

The more pre-knowledge you have,
the better, Frankie.

OK, so 100 seconds
to learn your sausage facts,

and those seconds start...


What's Frankie writing down?

I think this is his preparation.


Put your facts away,
please put your facts away.

Back in the box please.
Back in the box. Back they go.

No more writing. Right.

It's time for the sausage exam.

OK, here we go. Question one.

What was the first name of
the Sausage Queen of 1955?

If you know the answer,
please keep it to yourself.

Question number two.

How did Queen Victoria like
the meat in her sausage?

Question three.

What is the minimum meat content
of a pork sausage

in the United Kingdom?

So, we're looking for
a percentage there.

Question four.

What nationality is a
democracy sausage?

And finally, question five.

What is the casing of a sausage
traditionally made from?


Boards down, please, boards down.

Display the boards on
the front of the desk, please.

They hang on the front.

Yeah, lovely stuff.

Well, I'm going to ask Ivo, er,
to give me the correct answers.

Would you mind handing me
the correct answers, Ivo?

I think you know where they are.


You know what you did.
I-I know what I did.

And it was pretty swotty.

Here's the sausage facts,

and here is a sentence saying,

"Gene chopped 42
Australian intestines."

Ohh, my God!

OK. Here are the scores.

A small observation -
Kiell looks genuinely furious.

So, we'll add all those up,
we'll add them to your final scores.

Please come down and join me!

How did the sausage exam go?

Yes, Ivo was the only one
who turned the exam paper over.

You should always do that. Always.

Well, that's not true.
I also turned the exam paper over.

I thought...

I thought it was going to be
a secret question,

and that was going to be
the answer to the last question.

Well, I can tell you that in
the series, because of all this,

Kiell is now last by quite
some distance.

This episode, well, well, well.

For the second show in a row,

Ivo Graham is the winner
with 21 points!


Ivo Graham wins the show!

Your heroic haul awaits you!

So, what have we learnt today?

If you get wrapped up in
the stresses and strains of life,

perhaps you've been hoom-lated
at work, take a moment,

breathe, re-visit this show,

and enjoy this beautiful
moment all over again.

But we can't go yet!

Not until we've celebrated
tonight's winner one more time,

it's Ivo Graham!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media