Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Trapped in a Loveless Marriage - full transcript

Ivo Graham makes several phone calls. Jenny Eclair discusses piles. And Kiell Smith-Bynoe gets very angry. Also some potatoes get suspended.

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His programme contains strong
language and adult humour

No, no, no, no, no!




Hello! I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster,

the modern-day equivalent
of the Colosseum -

but instead of swords, we use tasks,

and instead of lions,
we also use tasks.

And, rather than contestants
fighting each other for

a life of respect and riches,

they're trying to get
a rubbish trophy.

It's nothing like the Colosseum,
happy now?

How about you shut your sweet mouth?

How about you try writing
15 series' worth of intros?

Too busy going for a meal
with Debbie, aren't you, huh?!

Yeah! I see you!

Please welcome our gladiators
of tasking,

Frankie Boyle...

..Ivo Graham...

..Jenny Eclair...

..Kiell Smith-Bynoe...

..and Mae Martin!

And, sitting next to me,
a man who confided in me

that he sometimes deliberately
revs his engine in traffic

because it makes him feel like
he's in charge of all women.


Little Alex Horne!

Hi, Greg. Hiya.

Are you ready for another
brand-new game show?

It's called Two Lies And A Truth.

Welcome, Greg,
to Two Lies And A Truth.

I'll tell you two lies and a truth.

You've got to see if you can
s-spot the truth.

I have ridden a camel.
I have ridden a zebra. Yeah.

I have ridden a bicycle. Yeah.

I imagine you were the sort of kid
who never learnt to ride a bike.

So, you think I've ridden a camel,
but not a bike. That's right.

You've not made it through
round one.

Bad start. Prize task time!

Whoo. What have we got this week?

Well, Mr Yummy Scrummy,
you asked them to bring in

the object which,
whenever you look at it,

makes you feel the weirdest.

Oh. I feel weirdest when
I look at petrol right up close

for a really long time.

Greg will award five points for
the object he agrees is most likely

to cause a feeling of weirdness.

And the winner of the show will
take home five objects they probably

never want to look at again.
OK, Kiell, you're up first.

What object have you brought in,
why will it make me feel weird?

It's a... glove on a foot.

How do you feel?

I feel weird.

Where did you encounter
this foot in a glove?

Er, I-I created it. Oh.

Although I should say, you can buy,
sort of, latex rubber gloves,

but for feet.

I normally wear them,
I don't know if I am...

Yeah, there we go.

Oh, my God!

I've had them on under
my socks every series.

That's horrible.
What do you mean it's horrible?

Because you have got horribly
long toes anyway.

You could knit with those toes.

Thank you, Jenny, thank you.

Erm, where did you dream this up?

I knew it had to be a feet thing,
cos feet are weird, innit?

like, what are they?

Erm, and then, like,
rubber gloves and latex in general

are just quite like, ew.

The more I stare at it the weirder
I feel, it's a strong opener.

OK, I'll log that. Next up.


I've brought in a small object
that I think can trigger like,

a deep existential crisis.

And that object is a mirror.

And, like... what are we?

Are we the meat, are the viewer?

"Are we the meat,
are we the viewer?"

One or the other.

So, they did an experiment in 2010.

If you stare into a mirror
for ten minutes,

66% of people experienced seeing
huge deformations in their face.

I agree, I've looked into
a mirror for up to ten minutes

when I was a child, and I found my
face to be horribly deformed.

Yeah. And I think it works.
However... Hm.

..if I stared at the
back of that mirror,

I wouldn't feel weird at all.

The thing that makes you weird,
I put it to you,

is your own reflection,
not the object you've offered up.

Pfff! Interesting. I mean...

What a round!

Ivo. I've picked some magnetic
detachable reading glasses.

At last! Here they are.

There's lots that's weird about it.

I'm basically thrown my uncle
under the bus here,

but every time he detaches
his magnetic glasses,

it creeps me out.

I think I'd, sort of, go, "Oh."

But when I stare at the glove foot,
I go, "Ooh""

Kiell designed that
specifically for the task.

He was so busy thinking
about whether he could,

he didn't stop to think about
whether he should.

The brief of the task was,
"Whenever you look at it,

"it makes you feel weird."

So, having to look at it for ten
minutes, that's immediately invalid,

whereas every time I see it,
that it makes me feel even

a bit weird - it's winning so far,
as far as I'm concerned.

Jenny. Greg, yes.
What did you bring in?

I brought in a magic
eye-painting book.

Yes. The original book, there it is.

And here is one of
the pages from her book.

I mean, you've all seen
these before, right?

It will work you,
you just need to look as if

you're looking through the screen.
Oh, do I need to try?

Well, you can, I mean...


A steam train, you're right,
it was a steam train.

That has made me feel weird.

All right, well, great news,
Frankie, I think it's very unlikely

you're going to be last.

I've brought you medieval
paintings of cats.

Five points.

For some reason,
people in the Middle Ages

couldn't paint cats properly.

And it always looks really
weird and disturbing.

That's from the 14th-century
illustrated French manuscript

on Roman and Christian history.

I mean, I would argue
that cats are already weird.

And they, sort of,
know that they're weird.

I mean, that looks weird.

That's a guy who'd just been looking
in a mirror for about ten years,

then suddenly looked at a cat.

Jesus Christ, are we the meat,
or are we the viewer?

Do you know what I mean?

I mean, this is unbelievable

because some bloke who's brought
his uncle's glasses is going to do

quite well, here.

The least-weird thing
to look at on this occasion is

Mae Martin's mirror. I'm sorry.

1 point to Mae.

Yes, I can't give a magic
eye painting more than a mirror,

that's the truth of it. I'm going
to give them 1 point each.

Oh, bad luck.

That's fair enough.

And then, there's a big jump up,

..to Ivo's uncle's
collapsible glasses.

It'll take 3 points,
can you imagine?

Giving 3 points for
bringing them in?

There was a diminishing return
of weirdness from the cats,

whereas the rubber glove on the foot
made me feel consistently weird -

and thus, Kiell takes 5 points.

4 points to Frankie, 5 to Kiell.

OK, let's task.

Great shout - and we begin by
splitting up one of the great bands

of the modern era,
and forcing them to go solo.


Hi, Mae. Hi.

Oh, hey! Hi, Mae.

Hiya. Hi.


All right? Very well, thank you.

Hm. Polite young man.

How old do you think he is?



Hello. This is exciting.
Hi, there. I'm Jenny.

Hello, I'm Joe. What have you got,
you've got a trumpet? Yeah.

How marvellous.
Do you have piles, as well?

"Compose a solo for
this 41-year-old ma..."

I was right!

It doesn't say that.

"Compose a solo for this musician."

"The solo must be original...

"And less than 30 seconds long."
That's a blessing.

"You have five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

What instrument do you play?

The keyboard. The keyboard.

I think we will have my name,

and then, the word "taskmaster."

So, what notes are in that?

None. No. G-A, another A,

and then, in Taskmaster,
it's quite A-heavy, isn't it?

Hit that one. Right.

Oh! I love that.

So, is there any, sort of,
rhythm with that?

Yeah, jaunty. Jaunty.

Instead of playing it
with your hands,

you play it with your feet.

Shoe off? Yeah, shoe definitely. OK.

What I'll do is I'll just sing some
notes, and you just follow it, OK?

♪ Lee-lee-la-la-la-la!

♪ Compose a solo

♪ Less than 30 seconds

Faster, faster.

That's it!

A bit better?

And then, I will guess
how old you are.

You'll know when it's
the right number.

I think I might.

Yeah, I-I love that. Good.

I don't want anything
more than that.


Can I take that task off you,

And can I swap it for that one? Oh.

While you're here...
having that, as well.

"Make something that looks like
this musician's musical instrument.

"Then mime to your new solo.

"You may not use a musical
instrument in the creation

"of your musical instrument.

"Best performance wins."

I've got 15 minutes,
and my time, Joe, starts now.

Has it started, yeah?
It's started now.

Here's the high hat
right there.

How long's a drum stick, mate?

Bloody hell. Yes, it's more
complicated than you think.

Mine's less complicated.

Four strings, is it? Uh-huh. Yeah.

How many keys does it have?
25, I'd say.

25. Would you settle for seven?

Yours isn't quite as big as mine.

Oh, is that what we're doing?

Just... quite like accuracy. Ahem.


Pretty good.

Ah, finished? Yeah. OK.

Jenny, we... we frequently go
south of the waist band with you,

I've noticed. I didn't know that
trumpet players do get piles.

Oh, yes. You did what then seemed,
to me, an extreme scat.

I'm so unmusical.

I don't even recognise
"Happy Birthday."

It's like something I can't do.

"I don't recognise 'Happy Bir'..."

We'll just let that slide?
You know when people start singing

"Happy Birthday" and expect you to
join in? And I panic because...

The cake must
give you a clue.

I don't understand!

OK, I won't let you see any of their
solos until after the break.

And if that's not enough
of a tease, why...

..here's a little bit of my leg.


Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part two, Alex.
Thank God for you, Greg.



Before the break...

Before the break, our cast used
five brilliant musicians

to create original solos, and then,
found they had to mime to their solo

on an instrument they'd made to look
like the real musician's instrument.

First up, with the voice of angel,

projected through
a banana-based trumpet,

it's Jenny Eclair.

Er, I'd like now to play for you
a solo piece called

the "Neen-Neen-Neen-Nana" song.

And give me a one, give me a two,
give me a one, two, three!

Thank you very much, yeah.

Think I might have piles now.

I felt it was a
powerful performance.

I think it's a beautiful instrument.

Could you convince yourself that
it was Jenny making those noises?

If I gobbled dish full of
recreational drugs,

I could convince myself
that was Jenny Eclair playing

that instrument, and indeed,
that instrument was functional.

Want another one? Yes, please.

OK, next up,
with a dramatic drum solo,

it's Frankie Boyle.

Drum solo on a count of four.

A-one, a-two, a-three, four!

I have no real memory of doing that.

Your face said, at the end,
"I think this has gone badly."

But I thought it was quite good.

Er, I'm a bit worried cos I'm just
enjoying all these. Who's next?

Well, there's still time. Er...

It's now time for a man who simply
oozes sax appeal, Ivo Graham.

Welcome to the Taskmaster
Jazz Festival.

It's Ivo Graham with
"Toxic Golf Fumes".

Take it away.

I very much enjoyed your instrument.

I enjoyed the keys.
All seven of them. Yes.

Colour. I enjoyed your
performance very much. Yeah.

Let's leave the sentence there,
I say.


Who's next? All right, well,
now it's time for Mae Martin

on the double bass with the toe.

I'm so excited to present
my original solo, by Mae Martin.

Maestro, Mae-stro, am I right?

Er, sorry I don't want to lose
points for Mae-stro.

It's too late. OK.

One, two, three, four.

Thank you so much.
thank you so much.

I sense, while we were
watching that,

you were disturbed by
the sight of your own toe.

It doesn't look like that.

My foot does not look like that.
Does it not?

No. Very dainty. S-Sexy.

Just trust me.
You know what you need, don't you?

Yeah. Pop a glove on that.

They're like fingers,
they spread, too.

You see what I mean, feet?
What are they? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What are they? Right! One left.

Yes, it's our final solo.
It's keyboard Kiell.

One, two, three, and...

♪ Compose a solo

♪ Less than 30 seconds

♪ Compose a solo

♪ Less than 30 seconds

♪ Compose a solo

♪ Less than 30 seconds long,
as long,

♪ That's 30 seconds long...

♪ What's your age young man?

♪ 41

♪ 42

Thank you, Kiell. That's all right.

I, sort of, felt I couldn't
look away from it,

but I also found it
quite unsettling.

Sexy, though, right?

So sexy. Yeah.

I'm 54, by the way.

I'll do you a song later.

Oh, Christ, that is so hard,
I enjoyed all of them.

I'm going to give Kiell, Ivo,

and Jenny 5 points. Ooh!

And I'm going to give
Frankie and Mae 4 points.

Oh? I've literally lost
my goddamn mind.

Well, there we go, that's 5 points
to Jenny, Kiell and Ivo.


Scoreboard time! Yes, it is.

Last week's winner is in last place.

Mae's got 5, Kiell has 10 points
in the lead at the moment.

What's next, Alex?

Well, Greg it's the first
team task of the series.

Ah. Hi. Hello, Mae.

A potato? Excellent.


Please, can you put that down.


You can pick up the potato. OK.

Right. Hello! OK!

Hello, I'm so sorry,
I can only bring you down.

What are you talking about? No way.

It's lovely. Oh, thank you.
Why have you got a large potato?

I brought it from home.
Oh, good, I wish I'd brought one.

We could've had... For luck.
..jackets in the garden.

Sometimes with a potato, you can
smell when they're on the turn.


Look, we have another friend. Hello!

Yo. What's happening?

Hey. You all right?
How are you? I'm good, you?

Would you like to hold the potato?

I'd love to. There you go. Enjoy.

Thank you.

Hello, Frankie. All right, man.
I've got a potato here.

Hello, Alex. Hello, Ivo.

Sorry to interrupt you
about the potato.

"Build the highest bridge over
the middle of the red green..."

Red green? Red green.

Right, I'll start again.

"Build the highest bridge over
the middle of the red green.

"And balance the potato on
the middle of the bridge.

"The potato may not be
anchored in any way.

"If anything touches the red green,

"you must put everything back
where you found it...

"Tut, and go back to
the drawing board.

"You have 20 minutes.

"Your time starts now."

I can do the tutting.

I'll just stand here
and get ready to tut.

As the clever one,
you start planning... No!

..and I go and get a whole
load of random shit.

The first thing Frankie's done
is send me away.

The team of three seemed very
comfortable together straight away.

Good chemistry. Good chemistry.

What's going on here?

I didn't know he w...

I thought it was some bloke
delivering something.

So, you didn't know who Ivo was?

I did once I, like, fully
took him in, but I thought,

"Someone's just wandered
into the shot."

I would say watching Frankie and Ivo
they were the most, like, a,

sort of, father-and-son team
we've ever had -

except a father and son who haven't
really spent any time together.

It's what you want from
the team task.

The crackle of tension.

Not some bloody mic-muffling hug,
thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

We all sniff a potato,
and then, get on?

Boring! Not for me and my dad.

Do you want to see
the boring team of three first?

Yeah, let's get them out of the way,
being all nice to each other.

Then we can get on
to this fucking shitshow.

Here we see Jenny, Kiell, and Mae.

- Gather stuff, come on.
- Right, OK.

Gang. I'm getting different stuff.

Oh, I've never done this before.

It looks like there's
shit on this one.

You want it as high as possible.
Barrel on top of barrel.

Get it high.

Oh, loving your work. Wait.

Everyone stop.
I touched the red green.

Please put everything back, tut,
and go back to the drawing board.

No... I'm so...
Why did you tell them?

Why did you tell them?

We have to tut.

Please be careful, Jenny.
Don't do yourself.

Don't - stop patronising me. OK.

Back to the drawing board, please.

Touch the drawing board.

Oh, no, no!

Did it touch it? I think you may
have just touched it.

I did, yeah.

Oh, tut.

Back to the drawing board!

You think two blue...

Two blue, barrels on top.

It's got to be as tall as possible.

I think the best way we're going
to do it is with duct tape.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you think
we can get higher than this?

Yes! Is a pole taller than
these at the moment?

Like that? Yeah, we ca...

OK, OK. So, we just need duct tape.

We have a new plan.

I-I'm putting this down.
Fuck that. OK.

Why don't we make this wider?

Three-and-a-half minutes.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

OK. Ooh, no, no, no!

Two minutes, 20. Careful, careful.

I can't bear it.

OK, slow raise at the same time.

♪ Come on, magic potato

♪ Up to the sky

♪ Up to the sky

Stop the clock, I think.

I think we could go higher.
No, I'm scared.

I'm coming round to help, Mae.

OK... Oh, whoa, whoa!

Come on a bit more.
Come on, higher, higher.

OK, stop the clock, stop the clock.
Higher, higher. No!

Higher, stop the clock now!

You want me to measure it?
Yes! Yeah.

OK, lovely stuff. Ohh!

Well done. Super teamwork.

Oh... No, don't let it touch!

First things first.

Let's see a clip of Jenny getting
rid of that plank again.

Here she is. Yeah.

Fuck that!


She did say, at one point,
"It's like a day out with your nana,

"but quite a weird nana."

You got the magic potato
up to the sky,

and I think you're a lovely team.

Yeah, they did pretty well.

They got about the same height
as if you imagine the average

three-year-old standing on the
shoulders, or the head actually,

of maybe a taller-than-average

or an average 11-year-old.
That's about the - so two...

How high, was it?
Two metres 40, sorry. Right.

Right, then, everyone,
we're halfway through the show.

Alex, run me a bath, and then,
get your scrubbing brush.

Let's see if we can't some
of this dead skin off.

Hey, hello! Welcome back
to part three of Taskmaster,

where I'm now as smooth as an eel.

Yes, we got it all off!
We got it all off...!

Mm, mm!

The current task involves trying to
make the highest bridge to support

a potato, but if anything
touches the red green -

it's quite salty -
they have to put everything back

where they found it, tut, and go
back to the drawing board.

We've seen the team of
three build and tut,

now let's see Frankie and Ivo
work together as a pair.

Do you want some chalk?
Yes, I would, please.

I don't actually...

You know, I don't want to come
across as too much of a snowflake,

but, er, I don't enjoy the sensation
of chalk on a chalkboard.


Oh, I like those.
This might inspire something.

I haven't done much with
the board yet.


I think I'd probably like
to borrow a s...

A board brush.

Er, a board clearer,
a dusting... tool.

Lot of pressure on Frankie, I think.

What's your idea?

Well, I've certainly
cleared the board.

My idea right, and it may be
a bad idea... Good.

..we just try and go from the top of
the caravan to the top of that,

kind of, geodesic dome.

And we stick the potato
in the middle.

To the top of what? The geo...

Our geodesic dome.

It's probably - is that what it is?
The ge-geodesic dome. Yeah.

That little greenhouse.Great.

It's really the opposite of
the shape we need.

Well... Well.
..that's an ugly start.

It certainly makes you think
about what could be achieved

closer to the... Yeah.

Ivo. Yeah?

That's lower than the ladder.

That's lower than the ladder.

Well, I think we should abandon
that and move nearer the thing.

OK, don't drop that.
Can we be in it?

Yeah, we can be human parts of the
bridge, nothing says we can't.


I'm going to have a bit of a
rootle round the house.

We could roll it in a tube. Mate.

The second ladder. Frankie!

Yeah. Perhaps we should've done
more work on our planning phase.

I think skipping the plan
was thrilling.

Now, measure the blighter.
Yeah, yeah.

I don't really know
how to measure it.

What's the matter, Alex?
Can't reach our spud?

There we go.

Very happy with that.
Well done, Ivo.

I'm going to let this go now.

This is like a 1970s sitcom.

People from a different class!

"I'm the lord, but he's the master."

I feel, despite what might seem
like differences between us,

I've got nothing but love
for Mr Ivo Graham.

And I felt that most of the
success of the task was due to Ivo

prompting me to be less wrong.

A really genuinely sweet thing that

somehow still sounded like a threat.

How high did they go though?

It was as high as Hagrid
jumping over a loaf of bread.

Well, he's two metres, 59 -
two metres, 81.

41 centimetres higher than
the team of three.

Well, they both fairly effective,
weren't they?

Yes, but there must be a gulf.
Yeah, five and three.

OK, so 3 points to
the team of three,

5 points to Daddy and Son!
Daddy and Son!

Let's have a rootle around
and see if we can get another task.

Yes, here we go, deep breath.

Kiell. How's it?

Watch this.

How'd you do that? Uh-huh.

Well, that was cool. Thank you.

Oh, it went, oh...

Did that not work?
It was meant to go the other way up.

Hi, chief.

Are you ready? Oh, yeah.

"Achieve the most impressive
effect with a single breath.

"You must take your breath
and achieve your effect

"within the next 20 minutes.

"The most impressive effect..."



Blowing out a... a candle,

not in itself very impressive.

But perhaps if it achieved
complete darkness within a space,

that would be quite boring
and bad television.

I need to find a dying frog.

Or a tiny bird that I can give
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to.

Is it raining? No.

All right, come on, then.

Is this the first time in,
15 series of this show,

that we've been asked
for a dying frog?

Second. Second.

Second time.

Well, I'm very keen to see the
impressive effect that these people

did with a single breath.



OK, up first, it's Mae and Kiell.

Hello, again. Hi.

This is just phase one.

So, we need some pipes.

Couple of bricks.

It's going to be incredible.

I've never worked so hard
in my life.

Right, you've put a mop on a duck.

On a shed.


You've got four minutes, Mae.
Oh, my God.


That's not even science, man.

I'm going to blow it down,
one huge breath,

and then, hopefully it's going
to hit the xylophone.

That's the end, that'll be...

That'll be the...


Oh, my God.

Good luck, Kiell.


Ready? Good luck.

Don't fail me, OK.

You ready? I'm ready.

Are you ready?

They're ready.




Oh, God, that was satisfying.

I'm going to blow this
with a single breath.

Someone'll say that was
more impressive that what I did.

And I'm going to kick off.

Mae, I think you're fast becoming
an expert at these tasks.

Oh, thank you.

They beaver away,
they create something.

I beaver away famously.


Great beavering. And...

Thank you.

..what a lovely pipe at
the end of it, as well.

There was a real contrast
between the two.

Oh, come on!

What Kiell's very good at is
having the confidence of someone

who's doing a good job.

The self-belief is sensational.

I didn't really take into
consideration that...

..I'm not able to blow a golf ball.

Oh, no, stuff went wrong
way before then.

Next up are two comedians
known simple as Jenny Eclair

and Frankie Boyle.

Hello, Jenny. Hello, Alex.

I'd like to show you my party trick.

Er, the most impressive thing
I can do with a single breath...

..is save this caravan.

About here is it? Yeah.

You just need to be ready to duck.

I'm ready to duck.

Going to save this caravan
from a roaring inferno.



I saved the caravan!

Is it definitely out? Yeah.

Was it one breath? One breath.

Can I just check - can we stand down
all the fire officers now?

Slightly over the top, wasn't it?

There's a lot of them.
Thank you, Jenny.

Single breath.

Do you think it was impressive?

It would've been impressive
if they'd let me really set fire to

the curtains, but they were
being a bit wet about it.

Yeah, so it is their fault,
but really, it was just you

blowing on the corner of a curtain.

She saved the caravan,
there's no doubt about it.

If she hadn't blown it out...
It would've been a blazing inferno.

Yeah. Why was I so impressed by
Frankie Boyle being a naughty boy?

Everyone hates golf.


I've never really played golf,

because I'm not trapped in

a loveless marriage.

Frankie got slightly lucky, cos our
garden backs onto a golf course.

Your first instincts were to blow a
whistle in a matinee or a church.

Both of which I would've enjoyed.

OK, one part left until someone wins
a glove that Kiell put on a foot.

Feel the rush!

Hello! And welcome back
to Taskmaster.

We've got a task that
needs completing,

and Alex is about
to fill you in on why.

Yes, the comedians have been trying
to achieve the most impressive

effect with a single breath.

There's only one person
left to see, and it's Ivo!

Can I try and get on the radio
and just breathe?

Yeah, that's impressive. Yeah.

When I'm speaking to the producer,
I'm a bit more like, er,

"Yes I've got an opinion
about wind farms."

But then, once I'm on the air...

Erm, 5 Live.

Yeah, you've got...

Y-Yeah, I know... 12 minutes.

It's just hung up.

Er, I'll instead call, er, Greg.

Will he recognise your breath?

Hello, I'm sorry,
but the person you've called...


That's agony. That's agony.

I will breathe down a phone today.


Three-and-a-half minutes,
by the way. Yeah.

Er, I'd like to apologise for the
wilful damage of fancy glassware.

I'm going to call Ed Gamble.

Previous Taskmaster contestant.

Winner and host of
the Taskmaster podcast.

Hello, Ivo.

Is Ed still on the line?
No, he hung up.

It feels like 1 point,
doesn't it?

I mean, the whole attempt
was extraordinary.

The trouble is nothing happened.
It was a single breath -

and the single breath,
it had no effect at all.

My instinct is, is to say
Ivo gets 1 point,

but then, I remember Jenny blowing
on the corner of a curtain.

I'm going to give them both 1 point.

You're giving Jenny fewer
points than Kiell.

Hey, hey, hey!
Look, don't bring me into it.

He's having a nice time over here,
let him do his thinking.

He blew at a golf ball three times,
and nothing happened.

Hey, hey, hey, look!
But he constructed a thing.

I can't believe
what's going on here.

I just, er, I need to report
from the front line,

and it was very disappointing.

Yeah, the first three!

And then, the fourth one
was fucking sick!

Yeah, but it was
a single breath, Kiell.

Do you know what it is?
I've been hypnotised by your charm.

And I was about to give you 2 points
when you don't deserve them.

Alex! Thank God my little
assistant's here.

So, you can have 1 point, as well.
Shit's sake!

On point... Hang on -
mine is the same, the same?

Yeah. I-I don't know where
that finger's pointing.

To you!

One, one, one.

I mean, I've got to say,

I'm not especially impressed
with any of these.

Right, OK. What about me?

Well, there's, like,
the "bing" at the end.

Bing was good.
But is it a 5-point bing?

Yeah. I don't think it's
a 5-point bing.

Are you sure you just haven't
become jaded with

the concept of the show?

I don't think that's the case.

We haven't got a 5-point bing,

and I can't give a grown man
putting a golfer off 5 points.

Who wins the task, Greg?
OK, Mae wins the task.

And I've already told you
it wasn't a 5-point bing,

so logic would tell you that
Mae gets 4 points,

and Frankie gets 3.

OK, so well done, Mae, you've
sort of won the task, 4 points!

Kiell, are you all right?

I'm fumin'.

One last look at the scores!
At the top of the pile,

it's Frankie Boyle with 16 points!

OK, it's time to leave your seats
and head to the stage for,

guess what, the final task
of the show!

I'm already excited. Oh, yes.

Who's going to read it out?
Ivo Graham this time.


"Create a recognisable picture of an
animal on the back of your T-shirt

"using the equipment provided.

"You must stay on your spot,

"and you must not move your spot.

"If you create the same animal
as someone else,

"you will both be disqualified.

"Best recognisable picture of an
animal on your back wins.

"You have 200 seconds."

Put an animal on your back.

If it's the same animal as
someone else, you get nothing.

Good luck, your time starts...

What sort of animals
are you hoping for, Greg?



OK, so remember, on the backs
of your T-shirts.

We've got halfway.

Go on, Jennie!

Oh, bless you, darling,
that's very kind. That's it.

That's all we need,
in terms of audience interaction,

one woman shouting, "Go on, Jenny."

Do you want the same woman
to shout anything again?

They could encourage a
different contestant.

Yeah, that's...

35 seconds left now, Greg.
Not long.

I mean, Kiell completed his
about two full minutes ago.

Frankie is also finished.

Oh, shi...

Eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two...

Please put down your materials.

First to reveal their animal,
it's going to be Frankie Boyle.

Are you ready to witness
his animal?

I'm absolutely
beside myself.

It's the unmistakably rigid shape...

..of a deceased snake.

Frankie, is that what you were
trying to achieve?

Yes. Yes.

If there's one thing
you famously say about snakes,

they are straight.

Lotta different kinds of snakes,

Can we see the second animal?

OK, Ivo, please turn around
and show us your animal.

Bearing mind that Ivo was the only
person who discovered the scissors.

I don't love what that implied.

What animal is it, Greg?

I think it's a jaunty giraffe.

I aimed for jaunty.
I'm glad that's been recognised.

Is it a giraffe?

Oh, oh, yes. I...

Jenny Eclair, what do we have?

Butterfly. Butterfly.

And it's really good. I like it.

This is Jenny's finest hour.

Are we ready for Kiell's?

Kiell used 30 seconds of
his allotted time.


Oh, dear. Oh, no.

This seems very cruel.

But sadly, it's another snake.

It could be a stick insect.

Is it a snake, Kiell?

It's a bendy snake.

Fair point.

Frankie and Kiell were first
and second in the episode.

They're both...
Cruelly disqualified.

Both now out. OK, Mae.

Oh, my God, that's good.
Why's that so good?

It's not just a bit of tape
stuck on a board, Kiell,

that's why it's good. Fuck.

I think it might be
an extinct bird?

A dodo?

It isn't - oh.

But it's enough to say it's a bird.

Yeah, it's a duck. I-It's a bird...

It's a bird, that's what counts!
It's a bird. OK.

Two snakes bite the dust.

Who'd've thought that
the heel-clicking jaunty giraffe

would get 3 points?

And yet, there it is,
3 points to the giraffe.

And honestly,
they're both very good.

But for me, Jenny's beautiful
butterfly just takes it.

So, 4 points to Mae,
and 5 points to Jenny Eclair,

and that's an end to it.

OK, there we go, well done,
Jenny Eclair!

Come down, we'll see how that's
effected the final scores!

Well, that's got to put the old
proverbial cat amongst the pigeons,

hasn't it? It really has, and none
of them made cats or pigeons,

they made beautiful animals.

Yes, they did. Unfortunately,
there were two snakes.

The final scores are so close.

There's only 3 points separating
the five of them.

Frankie and Mae are
in joint-second place,

but the winner, with 17 points.

Ivo Graham!

Ivo Graham wins!

Please leap up to look at your
objects and feel weird!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if your husband's
back late from a round of golf,

he's not necessarily
having an affair.

His swing might have been impeded
by Frankie Boyle's whistle.

That's all for now.

Four people didn't win this week,
but one definitely did.

And you know who it was?

I know, it was Ivo Graham!


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