Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - The Curse of Politeness - full transcript

Five new contestants enter the ring - Frankie Boyle, Ivo Graham, Jenny Eclair, Kiell Smith-Bynoe and Mae Martin. There's a dancing, string and barges for all.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com
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Brace, brace! I'm bracing.

This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

Hm.

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

Ahh!

What?!

Hello! Here we go again.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies and I love the smell
of a new series in the evening.

Five fresh competitors
entering the arena,



their hair done all fancy,

the light dancing off their
new outfits, just nice.

But we all know that no amount
of cosmetic tinkering can disguise

the fear that rips through
their naive bodies.

"Ooh, maybe I won't be one

"of those ones that humiliates
themselves on this programme."

Grow up!

It's this misplaced optimism
that wakes me up in the morning,

sustains me throughout the day and,

I hope this is appropriate,

is the source of my virility.

So, let's meet five successful
comedians happy to put it all

on the line to win a trophy that
remains to this day truly worthless.

Please welcome Frankie Boyle,
Ivo Graham,



Jenny Eclair, Kiell Smith-Bynoe,

and Mae Martin.

And now it's over
to prick-tionary corner.

It's the direct result of
a tryst between Postman Pat

and Chewbacca, it's...

...Little Alex Horne.

Hi. Hi, Greg. You all right?
I'm just so ready for this.

I've had my pre, well, my new
pre-show fuel.

Yeah. Got a new system. OK.

I have a quick, ah, Scotch Apple.
I've got one here if you...

Yeah, yeah.

There's a Scotch Apple. Yep.

You want it? No. No?

Have a little nibble on it.

I'm going to have a little
nibble on it.

Mm!

That is awful.
Hm, mm, mm. Oh, lovely.

Genuinely, it looks disgusting.

Oh, it really is. Well done.

Hopefully you'll be physically
sick during the show.

OK, it's time for Alex to reveal

the first prize category
of this series.

Yes, here it comes.

You've asked them to bring in

the most dependable thing that
weighs about 1kg,

so about the same as a ferret

but much more trustworthy than
a ferret, please.

Greg will give five points to the
most dependable thing that weighs

about a kilogram, and at the end
of this episode, the overall winner

will take home around 5kg
of dependable things.

That's me done and it's
back to you, Greg.

OK, as tradition dictates,

we start on the left for
the first episode so

Frankie, welcome to the show.

What's your dependable thing that
weighs around a kilogram?

I have brought in something that
reliably makes me smile

and laugh which is

a painting my children had made up
of me for my 50th birthday.

Here it is.

Are the two people by the horse
your children?

Yeah, they are.
They've blurred their faces out,

they weren't just moving while
the painter was...

Frankie, it's a really
strong opener.

I would like that in my house.

That's creepy. Yep.

Good. Ivo, welcome to the show.

Thanks for having me on the show.

Obviously very hard
to follow Frankie's beautiful

family-orientated art, but I would
argue.

Are you all right?

Are you playing a Radio 4 panel game

where you can't say certain words?

Even on Taskmaster I'm still
auditioning

for Radio 4 panel.

I've brought in the
most dependable thing there is,

I've brought in a four pack

of non-branded toilet roll.

Yes, he has. Oh, reliable.

There's his item. Yeah, very good.

I would say the four pack,

as well as weighing pretty much
exactly a kilogram,

pretty much any bowels are
provided for.

It's the sense of security that

comes with bringing home
a sweet four.

I'm a nine pack girl.

Can I pull Ivo up on this slightly?
If you look up loo rolls on

Wikipedia, which I imagine you've
done,

it says the average weight of
a loo roll is 227g. Yes.

But that is completely wrong,
as is some of Wikipedia.

They weigh about 100g each.

So he's brought in less than half
a kilo of loo roll?

Yeah, yeah. Is it, is it too late to
switch it up to a sweet nine?

No, no.

Not when you've been singing
the virtues of the sweet four.

Jenny, welcome.

I have brought in 21 eggs.

You can't... You can't go
wrong with an egg.

These are Jenny's 21 eggs.
The 21 eggs come in at 1,022g.

Are eggs dependable though?

They go off, they break.
So reliable and dependable.

They go off, they're fragile,
they can be gelatinous.

Oh. If cooked incorrectly.
Oh, you're putting me off eggs now.

Think of the people at home who've
lost loved ones

to salmonella poisoning.

Yeah, two. Yeah.

OK. Kiell, welcome to the show.

I'll smash this.
What have you brought us?

I've brought a toaster.

Here it is. Not just a, yeah, any
old toaster.

Look at that. Ooh. That's a fine
toaster.

It's a bit modern, it's a bit retro.

It's a nice bit of kit that, innit?
Yeah. Ooh.

Talk us through your love of
the toaster, Kiell.

It... Every time you put it down it
burns the thing

and pops up.

Once bread has become toast it can
never be bread again.

Because of that.

That is poetic. Hello,
Mae. Welcome to the show.

What have you brought in?

OK, so there's been
a lot of breakfast content.

I feel like if you're in

a fragile state what's more
dependable go the

whole hog than

a kilogram worth of
a full English breakfast.

That's what Mae's brought,
1kg of breakfast.

Mae is talking my language.

Let's have a look.

That's exactly a kilogram.

It is exactly 1kg.

Gosh. Five sausages, three bacon
rashers, three hash browns,

beans, mushrooms, scrambled eggs.

I've never, never not been delighted
by the site of a full English.

A full English includes toast.

Sure and a full English will
ultimately be shat out.

There are connections.

Yeah. But it's a majestic sight.

Right, let's give some points out,
shall we? OK. Oh, dear.

Let's start with the one-pointer,
shall we?

Which is the least dependable? Now,

bear in mind that
Frankie's weighs 2kg,

and Ivo's not even half a kilo.

You've just absolutely shafted
Frankie like.

Are you including the frame?

I think without
the frame it's barely 200g.

You can have the frame.

OK, it's nowhere near the weight

and loo roll isn't that dependable
cos your fingers can go through

it, one point to Ivo.

Oh, I feared that would happen.

I just don't think eggs are
very dependable.

Well, they don't think
you are either.

No, I'm giving Jenny two points.

OK. Three points, weird that I
would give it three points

when it's not even the right weight

and it's a painting
of Frankie Boyle on a horse,

but that's the intrinsic fairness
of this show.

If you want to play like that.
Three points, there it is.

Well done, Frankie. So it's between
the breakfast and the toaster.

Toaster's one of the most boring
things anyone's ever brought in.

It fits the criteria
but it's unforgivably dull,

but I can't deny it takes
the four points.

But who isn't made happier
by a fry-up?

No, no, no, no.

No-one. Five points to Mae Martin.

OK, let's go, what's first, Alex?

Well, I've been proposed
to many times

and I've had a good couple
of stag dos but now,

finally, it's time for this.

Ah. Hello, Mae. Hi.

Oh, are we getting married?

Hello, Jenny. Hi, Frankie.

Hello, Ivo.

Great speed.

Hello. All right? Yes.

Good. Can't wait for this? Yeah.

This is a big day.

Yeah, a huge day for me.

It looks nice, doesn't it?

Well, it's hideous really
but, you know. Oh.

No, it's lovely, it's really.
No, I'm writing down "hideous".

Lovely. It's lovely,
they smell great. Hm.

Have the best first dance at
a wedding with Alex.

With Alex. You can choose whatever
music you want.

But must be wearing these
headphones throughout.

Your first dance must last no
more than a minute,

thank God. No,

not because of you. You have 20
minutes to prepare.

Your time starts now.
Finally my chance to choreograph.

I'm not a good dancer. Oh, nor, am
I.

I have no musical ability whatsoever
but god I can dance.

I have already have a vision.

OK. It's pretty acrobatic.

Acrobatic? Yeah. Dangerous.

It needs to start majestically.

There's nothing majestic about
a clipboard.

Oh, OK, you can get low. All right.

OK.

We've got quite
a long choreography to do,

but the first thing I need to get on
the stage is the cow.

Right, are we going for party,
disco or are we going for romance?

What about a bit of like Stormzy?
Yeah.

Be a dramatic first dance.

Let's do it by the tail. There we
go.

Yeah, it's a standard way of
carrying a cow, I think.

I might have to go somewhere dark
and cool to think.

OK. It's hot in there.
It's... It's dark and hot.

The caravan's quite dark and cool.

OK, I'm going in there.
That gives me trench vagina.

I'm sorry about that on our
wedding night

but you're going to get a dance.

I don't know why I said it out loud.

I was coming on
to trench vagina as well.

There's a lot we don't know about
WW1.

Oh, lest we forget.

OK, so we're going to begin
the dancing with Kiell Smith-Bynoe.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please be upstanding for
the bride and groom,

Mr and Mrs Alex Horne. Yeah. Whah.

It's the best wedding
I've ever been to.

Hit it.

Christ almighty. It's very rare I've
got nothing negative to say.

That's the best thing you've
ever done.

Well, feel free
to watch that at home with Earth,

Wind and Fire's Boogie Wonderland
playing. Is that what it was?

That's what it was. Could you not
tell? That was great, Kiell.

Thanks. That'll definitely win.

Or, is it? Or, is it?

It's his big chance to choreograph,
yet this is what he came up with.

It's Frankie Boyle dancing
to Today's Your Day,

in brackets, Whachagonedu,
by Fat Lip.

Oh, Fat Lip.

I found the dance to be rubbish.

Always nice when
a bride looks at their watch in

the middle of a wedding dance.

I wanted to get it bang-on time.

It was bang-on time. Bang-on time.

There was no choreography.

It was just a man heavy breathing
in a dress

and then the most stomach-churning
kiss that's ever been televised.

He just said to me, "Watch it and
feel it."

I watched it and I felt it as well.
I felt it was shit.

Break time for you, break time for
me,

break time for Alex. See you in
three.

Hello.

Welcome back to the first
part two of the series.

Yes, only nine to go.

The part two welcome back
countdown begins.

Before the break,
I had two first dances.

I did the worm with Kiell,
obviously,

and I finally got off with Frankie
Boyle.

Now it's time for me to dance
with Jenny Eclair.

Whoo, lucky.

Well. Did you guess the music?

Wuthering Heights? Is it Ride of the
Valkyries but they're...

I was calling it Bride of the
Valkyries. Yes, you were, yeah.

The first thing I wrote down is,

"This looks like a scene from
a Victorian insane asylum." Yes.

But then, I thought
a narrative did emerge,

I thought there was some kind of
courting ritual going on.

Yes, there was.

Involving an asthmatic bride. Yes.

Trying to get the attention
of her husband only

to scare him off with
an aggressive sexual advance.

Yes. And that was the intention.

All right. You want to see
who's next? Yep.

Next to dance with me for
the fourth first time is Ivo Graham.

See if you can guess what song we're
listening to.

It's one of your favourite
bands, Greg.

Oh, is it? Yeah. I worked backwards
from the song.

It was Dizzy by the Wonder Stuff.

It was Dizzy by the Wonder Stuff.
Ahh.

Whose other songs include?
Size of a Cow.

There was a cow at that wedding.

Sometimes Wikipedia does come good.

That's the reason for the cow.
Yeah. Throughout the series,

Ivo's trying to ingratiate
himself with you.

Oh, but it's really worked.

I'm so ashamed of myself cos
the dance is rubbish

but I'm thinking
of giving him more points.

Next. Next. Just one person left
and before the dance I said,

"May I?" And they said, "I may."

"You may?" I said, and they said,
"Aye, I Mae."

And there'll be lots more fun bits
like that throughout the series.

It's Mae Martin and Zorba the Greek.

That was... I feel emotional.

Yeah. Quite tired.

Hm, this is what our lives
together would be like.

And I'm alone again.

That's such a genuinely
great dance. Hm.

Thank you. It...
It's like mathematical almost.

You've got far more skills than
I thought when you're in

the hands of the right
choreographer. Hm.

Did you find it emotional?

That's place you lost me when you
started crying at the end,

cos I thought, "OK, well, Mae's
lost their fucking mind here."

I was engaged once.

And it triggered you?

Yeah, our dance wasn't going to
be Zorba but...

Doing a sort of Cossack clock
dance with this goon?

Yeah, I suddenly thought,
"This'd be nice."

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I've really
been on an emotional journey.

Yeah. It's made me feel sick.

Ah. Yeah. Do you want some points
then?

Yeah, OK. Do you want me
to go bottom or top first?

Or middle. Start with the middle
if you want. OK.

Who was the most average?

I don't think it was average,
I thought it was really good.

I just think there were two dances
better than it. Jenny's.

Ah. Three points.

Average. Thanks.

No, I'm happy. I'm happy with that,
thank you very much.

Where would you like me to go next?
I'd like to go down by one, please.

OK, Ivo's, even though he'd
successfully sucked up to me,

all he did was jump over a cow
and spin round in circles.

OK. Ivo, you get two points.
Well done, Ivo.

Um.

I feel like I know
the one-pointer, so... Correct.

Yeah. It is Kiell.

I'm joking, it's Frankie.

Frankie Boyle you have one point.
Yeah.

So it's between Kiell
and Mae for the five points.

I very much enjoyed
the emotional content of Mae's,

I really did, but the dance I wanted
to be part of was Kiell's.

OK, Kiell gets five points.

Let's see how that all looks on
a scoreboard.

Of course. Yes,
well, Ivo's in last place with three

but we have joint leaders
with nine, Kiell and Mae.

Hm. Another task, please, my little
toy. Of course.

And this one involves
the patron saint of ring,

Saint Ring,

often known now as String.
Here we go.

Well, hell... Ooh. Hello, Jenny.

On a red cushion. Hello, Alex.

Clock started already.

Yes. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Ivo. Oh, straight off.

Nice to see you.

Nice to see you too, Mae.

Ball of string, cushion, task.
Mm-hm.

Completely unwind this ball
of string.

Your time started when you
said Alex's name. Oh.

Your time started when you
said Alex's name.

Damn and blast you!

Your time started when you said...

..Alex's name. Oh, phew.

Hello. Hello, Frankie.

Oh, twine. Twine, yep.

Yo. Hello, Kiell.
Are you all right, Kiell?

Yeah, man. You? Yes, great.

Hm. Feels like velvet.

Completely unwind
this ball of string.

Your time started when you said...

Hm. Name. I said your name.

I didn't think I said yours.

I was hoping you were going to say,
"Hello, Alex."

You hadn't bargained with
Scottish rudeness.

Time started when you said...

Hm. I kept saying, "Hello, Kiell."

What did I say? Yo.

Yeah.

I really like it when people
guess your system. Hm.

They break your system
straight away.

That's one of your favourite things.
It's one of my favourite things.

It was Frankie and Kiell
who were the problems.

Let's see how they and the rest of
the problem children did.

OK. Well, the rude Scotsman
is up first.

His words, not mine.
It's Frankie Boyle.

Don't suppose there's a quicker way

to do it than simply throwing
it about.

Oh, you can see what cats get out of
this really. Fun entertainment.

Are you going to say my name at
all? I am, yeah. Right.

Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.

There we go.

Alex. Right.

Definitely done everything on
the task?

Completely unwind this ball
of string,

your time starts when you said
Alex's name. Yes.

Yeah, you happy? Thanks.
Bye, Frankie.

Bye, Alex.

You can't just hide bits of
the task.

I set you a task, some of it's
written under the chair.

Listen, I couldn't agree more.

Do you think that would stand up
in court?

We've never had
a litigation on this show but I...

I would welcome it, Frankie.

Nay, financially support
you doing it.

I never put it on the cushion,

so my clock is essentially
still going. Six months.

172 days,
nearly a whole school year.

I've said it before, I'll say it
again, Frankie, the guy's a prick.

That's half-time -
for the show, yes.

But also, for a lot of you,
you're halfway through your lives.

Sobering thought, isn't it?

Use the time to really stare at
your partner in this break.

Are you really going to spend the
second half of your life with that?

Bye!

Hello! Welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part three, and we're in the
midst of a task involving string.

Correct. Ultimately, they just had
to put a neat ball of string on

the cushion, but that part of
the task wording was placed on

the back of the task where I
genuinely

thought everyone would look.

Frankie didn't and is currently over
4,000 hours into the task.

Did the next two competitors look?

Well, we've only just met them
but I doubt it. It's Kiell and Ivo.

Do you know what my name is? Yeah.

Mr Horne.

The curse of politeness.

And it is a curse.

This is fun though. Ooh.

If I'm going by what most people,
like, know you as then I'd guess...

Hm, I'd love you to say it. Alex.

Right, I've started the clock. Done.

Have you? Yeah.
It's completely unwound.

It's completely unwinded.
Have you done everything?

Yeah. What? Ahh.

No.

Put a neat ball. Hm.

Put a neat ball of string on
the cushion. Fastest wins.

You do not have to unwind
the ball of string.

Why didn't you put that on
the front?

It's optimistic to think there's
another one in the house.

You think we've only got one ball
of string?

I don't know.

Why's there so much string
left? Ahh.

Yes, look how purple my fingertips
are going.

I can't unwind it to release my
fingers.

On the dog's head.

Damn, that's neat.

Stop the clock? Stop the clock.

I think that can just all go in one
big... Yep.

That's... That's actually great.

It did slip smoothly off
the dog's face.

That was a really good bit of
an otherwise terrible experience.

Um, very similar systems initially.

Mm-hm. Although Ivo was

a little more enthusiastic about
casting his string.

He was the quickest to unwind.

Kiell was spending
a lot of time congratulating himself

for not saying your name.

Ivo, ah,

seven minutes 24 to put
a ball of string on a cushion.

It's actually ages, isn't it?
This is ages.

Yeah. This is ongoing ages.

Well, what I took from that is that
English people know not

to trust other English people.

We've got a Canadian next.

Do you think the Canadian will trust
an Englishman? Shouldn't do.

Well, there are only two people left
and there's still

a chance they might be
the smart ones. It's Mae and Jenny.

Is this your normal technique?

Yeah, I think.
There's no other way than this.

No tricks? I mean, the awful
trick would be if at

the end of all this you said,
"Now wind it all back up,"

and I say, "Fuck off, you sod."

Ah.

Oh, bloody hell.

I feel like I've achieved something
which is pathetic.

Done. I've finished it. I've done
it, Alex. I've done it.

Have you? You sure?

Ah. Oh, no.

Put a neat ball of string on
the cushion. Fastest wins.

Why did you do that to me?
Why would anybody do that?

You didn't say look at
the other side.

You should always look at
the back of the tasks.

Oh, God in Heaven,
I don't believe...

It's not going to get neat.

Could I? Is there another
ball of string?

Doesn't say how big

the ball of string has to be.

Sod that.

Stop the clock,
that is a neat ball of string.

That's a neat ball of string.

Oh... Oh.

I've stopped the clock.

Why did I look right there first?
Yes.

You didn't know there was
a secret drawer there? Yeah.

Well, basically there's only two
that have handles that stick out.

Well done, Mae. Thanks. Bye.

Bye, Mae.

I really loved the quote,

"Why would anyone want to do that
to someone?"

I felt really picked on.

I thought she was good.
I put that, ah,

Mae lost their Goddamn mind,

is what I wrote down initially

but then that's how this game can
turn on a sixpence.

It was a real sixth sense from Mae.

I genuinely felt like
the Lord was involved.

Like... Like I had a flash of...
I just knew it was.

I, I... It was. It came from the
Lord.

Wow. It's good that he's sparing

the time from all these people who
are dying in natural disasters

and whatnot to look in on the show.

Hey, he's gotta have a hobby.

He's... He's a fan.

We know that Ivo took seven
minutes 24,

Kiell five minutes
and seven seconds,

Frankie currently 247,680 minutes.

Mae Martin placed

a ball of string on the cushion in
two minutes 35.

Oh, God.

Jenny, one minute 19 slower
than Mae.

Slower than Mae. Slower than Mae.

Three minutes 54...54 seconds.

That's cruel.
Why would you do that to me?

Why would anybody do that to me?

Which means that Ivo gets
two points,

Kiell three, Jenny four,

Frankie does get one point
but Mae Martin gets five points.

Send another task my way, please.

Well, let's see if this one floats
your boat, because we're about

to see our first location task
of the series.

Aye, aye, Captain. Ahoy.

What are you wearing on your head?
A safety hat.

Right, yes.

Ahoy. This real?

Yeah.

Get all the rubber rings on
your bargepole.

Get all the rubber rings on
your bargepole.

It's like a narwhal thing.

You may not touch

the bargepole or rubber rings at any
point. With my hands.

You have a maximum of half an hour.

Time starts now.

Have you ever driven a barge before?

Yeah, barge. Have I driven a barge?

Have you driven a barge?

Nope.

Have you driven one of these before?

No.

I've never driven a car.

Are you ready to go?
I'm sort of ready to go

but I know this isn't
a very good idea.

It looked like Ivo was interpreting
for Frankie.

Get all the rubber rings on
a bargepole and then...

Get all the rubber rings on
a bargepole.

Ready? Ready.

Here we go. Just to explain,
this was a supervised barge trip

in a safe, private area,
and we begin with everyone's

favourite chain of modest
celebration restaurants,

it's Frankie and Jenny's.

The clock has started.

I'm full steaming ahead.

You are.

One rubber ring.

I'm so sorry. Are you all right,
Alex?

Yeah, it was quite a heavy crash.

I might've broken the boat.
OK, we're going for number two.

I'm going to come back for that
one.

No, wrong way. Wrong way.

Oh, yeah,
we're lining up with this bad boy.

Just hid in that tree, I think.

Think I might back up a little.

Ah, here we are again.
Watch that tree.

Yes. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Watch your
head, Alex.

Watch your head.
I'm very, very sorry.

Very sorry about this.
Very, very sorry.

I think we'll get more on
the way back.

It's not fair.

I can't see you missing this one.

Why? No. No.

Oh, my God.

One. Your final minute, Jenny.

OK, OK, you bastard.

We're going quite... We're going
quite fast towards the wall.

So close. Erm, we're going to
hit the wall quite fast.

Brace, brace. Brace.

I'm bracing.

Uh, ooh.

I'm so sorry. No, that's all right.

I'm not sure this was
a very good idea.

Oh, there we go.
I don't think you're a natural.

I've maybe discovered
a new way of doing it.

There were three crashes, right?

We showed three, yeah.
Unfortunately, yeah.

The most spectacular
of which involved you knowing

you were going to crash,

not attempting to stop or steer
away,

you just simply shouted, "Brace."

Ah, at that point I forgot what you
could do entirely.

Like the worst pilot of all time.
Brace.

We're going down.

Some of the other things she
said was,

"Back, back, come on, pony,
calm the flip down, Jenny,

"spin, bitch, spin."

Yes, they both got one.

They had a maximum of half an hour.
We thought, "That'll be plenty."

Good. Both awful.
OK, one watermelon each.

Yep. Next up it's one man on his own

and I'm going to use his full name

to introduce him this time,
it's Kiell Smith-By-Noculars.

How you feeling?

Like a sailor. Wait,
what am I doing? Collecting it?

On the pole.

Come on, come on. Nah.

Ah, man. OK. That's OK.

We'll just go into reverse,
won't we?

Beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep,

beep, beep. OK, here we go.

This is it.

Yeah.

One on a bargepole for me.

That took three minutes. Not bad.

Two on a bargepole for me.

How many have I gotta get?

Five. Oh. So I don't need this one
at all.

Why not? Cos I can get that one
down there.

OK.

Yeah.

Four on a bargepole for me.

Nine minutes gone.

Right, this one, one take.
I'm not messing about.

It's like bloody Popeye. Popeye's
a sailor, right?

Yeah. Let's go baby.

Four. Four? Is that not five?

One, two, three. Yeah, four.

It's reversal time.

Look at that. Watch him go.

Oh, can feel the wind in your hair.

Whoo, yeah.

You've got seven minutes.

I don't think you're counting
in real minutes.

I can see the ring.

You've got four minutes to get
the last ring.

I only need one.

Yeah. I'll stop the clock.

You know how you hear, like,

an earworm song like Saturday Night
by Whigfield

and you hear it a few times

and after, sort of,
the eighth time, ninth,

you've heard it on the radio it
starts to irritate you. Hm.

I was irritated on

the first verse of One on
a Bargepole For Me.

For me. For me.

However, an exemplary performance.

Well, the thing was,

I thought that I'd already got
all five.

One, two, four, five.
That was the problem.

Some hotels don't have the number
13, so maybe you don't have

the number three in your vocabulary.
Is that a thing? I'd say so, yeah.

Try counting to five now. Now? Yeah.

One, two, four, five.

For me.

So you did eventually get all five
within the timeframe.

26 minutes and 30 is the time
to beat.

Hot dang, it's the end of part
three.

Return to us for part four

and the answer to the age-old
question,

"Who's going to win
a load of Jenny Eclair's eggs?"

Hello, again. It's the final part
of this first episode,

and our new cast are enjoying
themselves on a barge.

Yes, that's right, Greg. But they're
not the only ones here who enjoy

a long, flat-bottomed vessel.

Just two people left to see

and their surnames sound like
two reliable friends,

it's Graham and Martin.

Oh. No. Ahh.

Ooh. He's done it.

I feel so alive.

Yes. One rubber ring -
and that took one minute.

Two rubber rings, Mae,
in two minutes.

I'm reversing.

I'm on a boat.

Yes, you're on a boat.

Yes. Two rings.

Two rings. Now we reverse.

It's been quite serene so far, Mae.

That's three.

Yes.

Whoa. Yes. Piece of piss.

Yes.

He has taken to the task.

Right, photo finish.

OK, this is bad.

Here we go. No, no, no, yes.

No! No!

Um, this... This has come off.
This has...

I've... I've broken the steering
wheel.

Right.

I've never been so focused.

No, nor have I.

Yes.

I've stopped the clock.

Yeah.

You've done it, Mae.
You made it look really easy.

Yeah, I loved that.

Ivo? Hello.

You've got 11 minutes left.

Well, hang on. I thought I'd used
four minutes.

We back in?
You're back in. Hop back on.

Yes!

I've stopped the clock. Put it in
reverse. Put it in reverse.

Oh, no.
BOAT THUDS

A lot happened. My hat came off.
I've broken the boat.

Won the task.

It's very early for me
to be saying this

but it seems to me that anything
Mae takes on is done with poise.

I don't... I've never said
"piece of piss," that's so English.

I don't know why I said that.

Even piece of piss felt dignified.

How am I ranking on
the old poise front, Greg?

There's a reason I led with Mae.

I mean, it was just carnage, wasn't
it?

It was great up to the...
Broken the boat, won the task.

I doubt it.

Broken the boat, lost my hat,
won the task,

and in the words of Meat Loaf,
two out of three ain't bad.

Do we include the whole time in his
time or do we stop

the clock when he broke the barge?

Ivo had the barge after
Frankie and me.

He shouldn't be punished because
I think we'd broken it already.

That's exactly...
That's exactly what happened.

I think it was cracked.

I think it's exactly that sort of
gesture that will see me punish him.

The tiller was loose.
We can't punish him for that.

OK, so we will pause the clock...
Yeah.

..when it broke, and then,
restart it when it was mended.

Because the tiller was loose.
In which case, both Mae and Ivo

pierced all five watermelons
in under eight minutes.

Mae, seven minutes and
seven seconds.

Ivo, seven minutes and 41 seconds.

So Mae gets five points, Ivo four,

Kiell, three, and Jenny
and Frankie share two points each.

Let's have a quick look at
the scores.

Frankie, I'm afraid you're at
the bottom of the table

with seven points.

A long way above you is Mae
with 19 points.

They can be caught.

OK, everyone, please make your way
to

the stage for the final task of
the show.

Five pots on a stick.

For me.

Anyway, let's dance.

I'd like Mae Martin to read
the task please.

All right.

Throw your items into your bucket.

You must select one item when
Alex blows his whistle.

You must then throw that item when

Alex blows his whistle again.

If your bucket falls, you're
disqualified.

You must stay on your spot

and you must not move your spot.

Most items in a standing
bucket wins.

Yeah, so you will end up throwing
all your items.

I'm going to blow the whistle,
so please hold up your first item.

Right, we've gone baby, baby,
brick, book, book.

# Baby, baby, brick,
book, book. #

And...

Oh.

Ahh.

Wow.

That made me want to hump a barge.

So Ivo one nil up with his baby.

You can now select your next item on
the whistle.

You cannot change now.

So it's brick, book, baby, brick,
brick this time.

Nowhere near as catchy.

No.

Yes. Yes.

Who did you throw that brick into
that bucket for?

For me.

Please select your next item now.

Whoa, it's first balls.

Ball, brush, ball, baby, baby.

Ready to witness the next round?
Here we go. And throw.

Ooh.

Yes. Yes.

Me too, yes.

I'm just going to say yeah.

All the buckets are still standing.
Yeah.

It's me versus you, Kiell.
No, it's you versus everyone still.

Please select your penultimate item.

Ooh.

We have three balls in play.
It's book, ball, brush, ball, ball.

You say it like
a malfunctioning robot.

Let's play. OK, good luck everyone.

Oh!

Oh, my God. Wow.

I've never seen gameplay like that
as long as in 15 series.

I resign.

Yeah. So Ivo killed Kiell,
Kiell killed Ivo,

Mae killed themselves, I think,
is that...

Oh, my God.

Somehow, Jenny and Frankie are
going to take away the points.

It was like Reservoir Dogs.

This is the most excited
I've ever been.

There's just Jenny
and Frankie to throw.

It's a brush for Frankie,
it's a book for Jenny.

If you get it in
and the other doesn't,

you take away five points
and four points.

And if this isn't an anti-climax,
I'll eat this trophy.

On my whistle, please throw.

Sensible from Jenny,

but it means they share
the five points. We're done.

Yeah. Yay.

Come back down, we'll see how
that's affected the final score.

They were such naughty boys.

I was thrilled by
the instinct of Ivo and by the

lightning-quick response of Kiell.

It does mean Ivo is now in
last place for the episode.

I've been referred to as
a bad boy for

the first time in my life.
I don't care where I come.

It's not all about winning, it's
just glory, isn't it, sometimes?

The curse of politeness has lifted.

So Ivo in last place in the end.
Jenny, you're in second place,

but the winner of the first episode
is Mae Martin with 19 points.

Mae Martin wins. Please go
collect your dependable kilo.

Week one complete,
see you all next time.

But for now, let's applaud once more
our winner, Mae Martin!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media