Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 9 - Episode #14.9 - full transcript

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Water!

This programme contains some adult
themes and some strong language

SHE GASPS

Off!

Yeehah!

Shut up!

Argh!
Will we get far?

Aargh!

Again!
What?!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you!



Welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davis and I've got some
news for you.

The end is nigh,

the penultimate episode is upon us

and what a joy it's been

to watch these pumped-up athletes
of task perform.

Their skill range is
so broad that, together,

they're like a giant human Swiss
army knife.

I'll leave you to decide which
of them is

the weird thing for getting stones
out of horses' hooves

that no-one ever uses, but I'll give
you a clue. It's John Kearns.

So let's get on with it, shall we?

Please welcome Dara O Briain!

CHEERING



Fern Brady!
CHEERING

John Kearns!
CHEERING

Munya Chawawa...

CHEERING

..and Sarah Millican.
CHEERING

And sitting next to me,

a man who recently confided in me

that he thinks that the refuse team
that collect his bins every week

are stupid
and don't deserve to be paid.

SQUEAKILY: It's little Alex Horne!

CHEERING

I don't sound... I don't sound
like that!

Prize task, then. What's the
category of the day, please, Alex?

I like the question
and I hope you like the answer.

It's...the most underestimated item.

Hmm! And guess what? There are
five points at stake for

the most underestimated item
and at the end of the show

the winner will take home all five
underestimated items, and there's

a good chance they'll have gone up
in people's estimations by then.

Right, John.

I brought in a, uh, a penny.

That's what John's brought in.
Oh, yeah.

"Most underestimated item."

Just a 1p piece, then.

Yeah, lowest value thing
we've ever had.

Yeah.

So if you walk past
a wheelbarrow, right,

and there was £1,000 in £20 notes

you, you're taking that home,
I presume?

Oh, I'm wheeling that
straight home.

Yeah, so, am I.

If there's a wheelbarrow

with, er, £1,000 worth
of pennies in it

I think you're just going, "Nah."

Oh, no, I'd take that home.

If I saw £1,000 worth
of pennies I'd go,

"Yeah, no, that's worth
wheeling home."

Yeah, same amount
of money - that's why.

I was, I was, I was banking on you
saying you'd just leave it.

I mean, I honestly think
John, sometimes in this round

you're provoking me.

Munya, hello.

Can you lift our spirits after that?

100%.

So I've brought in
a Zimbabwean trip boomerang.

Show 'em, Alex.

Here it is.

OK. So whoa.

Any of you ever heard about
the Norfolk Panther?

Widely discredited. Go on.

I was out for a walk in the forest,

I've got my trip boomerang
in my pocket because you know,

Norfolk was like
a war zone in those days.

Oh, yeah, oh, my God.

I hear a little rustle in the bushes
and I'm thinking,

"Cool, that's a pheasant"

but as I walk, the rustle starts
to follow me.

So before I know it now I'm running,

OK and I can hear
literally trees moving,

bushes rustling, this,
that and the other

and I'm being chased by the panther.

Like, I know those footsteps.

So, without thinking,
I grab the boomerang,

swing it,
I throw it and carried on running

and the reason I know it
hit the panther is

because if it didn't,
I would be dead.

Is there a chance that you killed
someone's dog?

Wow, I mean that is
absolutely rubbish.

OK, OK, yeah.

Um, Fern. This is looking pretty
optimistic, I think.

I brought in
a bottle opener key ring. OK.

You're at a party,
you don't have any social skills,

you don't have very many friends,

people don't want to talk to you.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
who is this character?

It's me in my everyday life!

Fine.

And then someone says,

"Has anyone got
a bottle opener?"

And you say "Yes, me."

And then people want you, they keep
you in their life.

I think I've had my
bottle-opener key ring

for maybe seven years now
and it's been incredible.

So basically this is what
Fern has brought in.

This says something, doesn't it?

How do you two feel about
the fact that I'm genuinely

considering putting
this above yours?

Nah, nah, nah, that can't be.

Sarah. I've been in my current
relationship for 16 years... Yup.

..and we decided to start THIS.

Here it is. OK.

Which is The Joy Of Sex - we just
thought we'd work our way through it

start to finish. But the problem, as
you can see, there's a bookmark.

We only got eight pages in

and we gave up.

We massively underestimated
how long it would take

and how much effort it would take
seeing that we are both

in our mid to late 40s.

We got up to the page where it
suggested

you eat food off each other, we
overdid it, we had to have a nap.

Didn't work.

You ever used food during sex?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah? What you done?

Everything. What haven't I done?
Chips? Done.

Thank you, Sarah.

You have underestimated your own
sexual appetite. Absolutely.

Dara, what have you brought in?

Something humble which
is in fact great,

which is
the humble fish-finger sandwich.

We have one here.

It is a comfort food,

it is light, it is INCREDIBLY easy
to prepare. Yeah.

It is the friend
of all hungover dads

who have to prepare a meal for
children. Kids love it,

it works,
it's done fast and straight-forward

and I think, cos we live in
a world of burgers and Chinese,

the fish finger sandwich
is the next food trend.

Can I say something, Dara,
and I hope you'll take this

in the spirit it's intended? I will.

You throw so much information
out sometimes,

I sometimes feel I'm at
a chicken auction.

LAUGHTER

I tune out and all I can hear is...

IMITATES IRISH LIVESTOCK AUCTIONEER

It is incredible!

I do. I'm sorry.

Right, I should score these.
I'm giving Munya one point. Aww!

Yeah. Munya one.

I mean, unbelievably, John...
I can't believe it.

What do you mean, you can't
believe it? For a penny!

Two points to John's penny, OK?

You shouldn't underestimate
a fish finger sandwich.

I have to take Sarah's word
for the fact

she underestimated The Joy Of Sex

and Fern's beautiful story about the
power of the bottle opener means

I very much have underestimated
the bottle opener.

Right, OK, then.
So what I'm going to do

is give them all three points.
Three points, yes.

And that's an end to it.

Right three points, three points,
three points, two, one.

There are no winners! There!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Task time.

OK, yes, it is

and this one started off
as a tie-break task

but then we decided it was something
that everybody should see.

So, here we go.

Hello.

Hello, Munya.
You're so smiley today.

I like that little voice.

HE SIGHS

A little look, oh!

That's interesting.
I'll have you first.

Feeling good?

Oh, I'm feeling...

..great.

I've got the new one.

Exciting, innit?

"Hello, Sarah."

SHE CACKLES

Ah! It's almost like
you're on to me!

Yuck!

Snort!

Then blow a raspberry.

Then whistle.

Then repeat that sequence
for one minute.

Snort, raspberry, whistle.

"The most completed sequences wins."

Your time starts when you
next snort.

SHE HUFFS

I don't even know how to snort!

So what is a snort - in or out?

HE SNORTS

Can YOU do a snort?

PHLEGMY CROAK

Eww!

I can't whistle, but, you know...

You can practise whistling
before snorting.

Oh, you'd love that.

APPLAUSE

It's a bog-standard game of
international

snort, raspberry, whistle.
That's my understanding of the task.

I suppose it is.
It would appear a few members of

the cast have reached adulthood
without learning

how to snort or whistle

and to demonstrate this,
we begin with Fern Brady.

Deep breath, here we go.

SHE HUFFS

RAGGED INTAKE OF BREATH

Is that your first snort?

Hee-hee-hee!

HALF-SNORT THEN COUGH

I've got to start
the watch whenever you...

Oh, we've started, have we?

BREATHY WHISTLE

LUSTY SNORT

LIMP RASPBERRY

HALF-SNORT

IMPROVED RASPBERRY

BREATHY WHISTLE ATTEMPT

SNORT

SOUNDLESS WHISTLE

LAUGHTER

LAUGH-ADJACENT SNORT

NON-WHISTLE

HALF-COUGH-HALF-LAUGH

BRIEF RASPBERRY

SNORT

RASPBERRY-CUM-GIGGLE

SNORT-CUM-LAUGH

I can't really whistle!

HALF-HEARTED RASPBERRY

BREATHY NON-WHISTLE

BREATHY, COOING NON-WHISTLE

FINAL WHISTLE

Thank you, Fern.

APPLAUSE

I don't know what to say.

I mean, it was basically a fairly
intimate film of a breakdown.

Did you get any completed sequence?

No...No.

I really had high hopes
for you winning

an episode before
the end of this series.

I thought I won that one!

HOW?! How do you think you won
that one?!

Because I kept trying.

OK, well, let's see two
of them together now.

John Kearns can't whistle
but Sarah Milli-can. Here we go.

WHIMPERING LAUGH

Oh, this.

SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT

RASPBERRY

TONELESS WHISTLE

INTAKE OF BREATH

WHISTLE, SNORT, RASPBERRY

SNORT

SNUFFLING

RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT, RASPBERRY

GIGGLE

WHISTLE, SNORT

LOUD RASPBERRY

PHLEGMY SNORT

RASPBERRY, SNORT

Oh, got to do it quick!

SNORT, RASPBERRY

LAUGHTER

RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

Keep forgetting the order.

SNORT

RASPBERRY, WHISTLE, SNORT

RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

SNORT

This is a long minute!

RASPBERRY

SNORT, RASPBERRY

WHEEZY CHUCKLE

SNORT, WHISTLE, RASPBERRY

Is this longer than a minute?
You've got ten seconds.

Oh, I thought you were
taking the piss!

REFEREE'S WHISTLE

JOHN GIGGLES

I don't know what happened there.

I feel a bit dizzy
but in quite a sort of good way.

You were very focused.

Can I do a horn just
to centre meself?

HONK!
Is that all right?

All that with no hand.

I do the hand normally.
HONK!

HONK, HONK!

APPLAUSE

I mean, frankly compared to
the last effort we saw,

you looked like a professional.

Thanks. She thought that time had
stood still for a moment.

It's called a Kairos moment. People
experience it with grief, or this.

Just the two things?
Yeah, it's very common.

She completed 18 cycles in
a minute - that's pretty good.

John, the whistling it absolutely
destroyed your game.

Now we know you've been working on
your whistling.

Can we see an in-studio whistle?

It's glasses off normally, John.
Competition conditions, John.

TONELESS, BREATHY "WHISTLE"

Yep.

HE TRILLS TUNEFULLY

HE HUFFS

That, my friends, is
the end of part one.

There are some adverts coming up
to distract you from that thing

you married on the sofa.

You've got a glass
of water there now.

Chuck it on the lazy
good-for-nothing!

Chuck it in his
face. See you in five.

APPLAUSE

Hello, hello!
Whoever you are wherever you are

and whenever you are it's always
good to know you're there.

Don't you ever leave him,
he's my guy!

Just to remind you all before the
break there was a task under way.

A tense task where they had
to snort then raspberry then whistle

the most times in a minute.
Most completed sequences wins.

Tricky apparently but there are
still two potential

snort, raspberry,
whistle tri-athletes left to go

so here's how Dara
and Munya got on.

Thing is, it's going to make me
look unattractive.

So can I shield myself?

There's different aspects
of my career

and model could still be one.

No-one's gonna pick a, you know,
snorting, raspberrying

five foot three Zimbabwean,
are they?

RAPID SNORT, RASPBERRY,
WHISTLE SEQUENCE

SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

SEQUENCE CONTINUES

RAPIDITY INCREASES

WHISTLING FALTERS

SNORT, RASPBERRY

Sounds like walking past your
bedroom every night!

SNORT, RASPBERRY, WHISTLE

I, I'm too dry to snort.

NOISES CONTINUE AT PACE

It's getting dry now.

Ten seconds.

Oh, could I have just taken your
whistle off of you? Oh, yeah.

Ah, that's irritating.

The little mucus I had, I worked it.

APPLAUSE

Now we're getting to the business
end of this competition.

MUNYA WHISTLES

I mean, that's the first question
I want to ask, really, is why

Munya, you opted for
a pervert's whistle?

LAUGHTER

I thought it was easier to do.

Every time you did it I sort
of covered myself up a bit.

Erm, Dara. Yes.

This is what I wrote down.

"Dara looks like he's gonna turn
his head inside out, comma,

"but the speed
of the fucker, exclamation mark."

I got into quite a, quite a roll
with it all to be honest.

Give me some statistics.

Well, Dara was faultless
with rhythm,

completed 17 cycles,

Munya, 24.

So it's more than–more than one item
every single second.

What are the scores?

Are you happy to reward John
and Fern for taking part?

Yes, I think they should be rewarded
for taking part.

In which case they get two
points each

for coming joint fourth,
three for Dara,

four for Sarah but Munya Chawawa
gets five points. Well done, Munya.

Wow!

Lovely. Let's have our
scoreboard then.

OK. Fern yet to win an episode.
The only one so far.

She's in second last on five,

Sarah's in the lead
with seven points.

It's close, it's close.

I'd like another task please, Alex.

OK, and play.

Hello. I should just open this,
shouldn't I?

What?! Oh, my God!

Write a one-minute, one-person play.

Best script wins.

You have 20 minutes.

Your time starts now. OK.

Gold pen.

Also this is thick paper.

That's a lot of GSMs, isn't it?

Plays are boring.

Have you written plays before?

Yeah. I found one the other day that
I wrote

on the Tesco checkouts in Bathgate.

It was quite misogynist and ageist.

But you wrote it?

I wrote it, yeah, yeah.

OK, yeah.

Interior, day.

The audience walk in.

Right, then.

Can I have more paper?

Seven minutes left, John. How many
words have you written?

That's not important.

30 seconds, Dara.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Door(s) by John Kearns.

APPLAUSE

I mean, knowing the teams I do,

I cannot imagine what these plays
are gonna be like. I'm buzzing.

Well, we did get five lovely plays
written by five lovely people

but what to do with them.
Well, this is what we did with them.

Hello.

Hi, Fern.

A script by John Kearns.

Meaning by Fern Brady.

It's a bit like I know what this is
gonna say.

Oh, my God, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Yep.

Stage and perform
this one-minute, one-person play.

Best performance wins.

You have 30 minutes.

Your time starts now.

OK, I'm gonna read the play first.

Oh, Sarah's is gonna be
good, innit?

Mine was, do you know what?
Mine's piss-easy, there's no lines.

Man, OK.

This is very good.

Is there no dialogue?

Oh, you dick.

What happened in my one-minute play?

Oh, I remember, my one minute play
was really good,

it was really action-packed, there's
lots of stuff happening

in my one-minute play. My one-minute
play was much better than this.

I just wanna go for it

and just let the emotion
take over me.

So let's make me a woman.

Actor is sat on stage cross-legged.

Wow, you can tell he's young.

It's not been long since he's done
assemblies,

that's what I'm assuming.

APPLAUSE

There's a lot of creative
differences over here, I sense.

Sarah was furious.

There's no two ways about it,
she was angry.

I wanted to create
an other-worldly experience,

because I once read that if you
Sellotape two ping pong balls

over your eyes and then play white
noise, you will hallucinate.

So I wanted to create that
for my actor.

John's lost it.
He knows what's coming.

I think I know which play we're all
looking forward to seeing.

And they're getting scored
separately here

on their playwriting ability
and their performance.

Yes, they are.
A lot of points at stake.

So first to tread the boards and
performing Fern Brady's play,

Meaning, it's Munya Chawawa.

Oh, God.

Hey, let go of that.

Ooh, ooh!

My head.

My head.

I'm eating this, you boot.

You're talking.

Now you can hear me, things are
gonna change around here.

No more making me dance
for Instagram likes.

No more pictures
or Halloween costumes.

No more forced cuddles.

I'm done being your affection slave.
I'm my own person.

But Sponges,

why do you hunt
the kitchen, Sponges?

Because of you! I should be out
there in the wild killing.

Instead I'm in here hunting
inanimate objects.

We all seek meaning in our lives,
no matter how trivial it looks

on the outside. I'm just doing
what I can to get by.

APPLAUSE

I loved it. I loved
the existential angst of the cat.

She had a head injury

so you don't know if she ever
did hear the cat

or if it was all just in her coma.

Oh, of course.

Why didn't I pick up
on that duality of meaning?

Munya, tell me about your character.

You see that cat, yeah?

It looked a lot like
the Norfolk panther.

So the emotion just overtook me.

The fear, the danger, the panic
and, yeah,

I think I would have died in
that situation.

Fern, what is the play about?

Uh, just I love thinking about
if my cat could talk.

That's your understanding
of it, right?

Yeah, and that came through.

It came through loud and proud.
Let's see another play.

OK, it's another cat play.

This time it's
Fern Brady's performance

of Sarah Millican's play.

I'm sitting in a cafe and it's cold.

All around me are cats
but it's not a cat cafe.

They can't call it a cat cafe
since the law changed

and they need the cats' consent.

Me cat died last year
but I don't miss it

because it was an arsehole.

It wasn't my cat, it was my nana's.

But when she went into the home,
she made me take him

even though he was always
a dick to me.

I'm the only one left
who visits her now

and she mostly remembers me.

She criticises my clothes
and says I look tired.

Howay, man.

I tell her about the cats here.

She always likes to hear about them.

Mavis on the chair,
Charlie in the window.

She brightens at all the names
like she knows them too.

I check my phone. Seven missed calls
from the home.

Oh, shit.

APPLAUSE

I don't think I've got anything bad
to say.

I was absolutely enchanted
by performance and narrative.

It put me in mind of Alan Bennett.

It was like an Alan Bennett play.
Yeah, it was.

I was really nervous cos
I hadn't met Sarah

till we got here, so it was really
horrible knowing that

my bad impression
of her was coming out.

I liked it. I really liked
your impression of me.

Especially the "howay, man."

OK, break time.

Break time! Everybody off.

Off you go. the big man said
to go. Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to the third part
of our little show

called Taskmaster, and what a fine
bunch of scriptwriter/performers

they are too.

Yes, they've all written one-minute,
one-person plays

and now they're performing
each other's.

Next you it's Munya's play,
The Power of Silence,

and much to her annoyance. the actor
performing it, Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE

Oh, Munya. It is rubbish.

You've gotta ask them though,
cos you might have

experienced something. Did you see
something?

Well, firstly no, because me
glasses were on the outside

of me ping pong balls.

I didn't see anything
at all. I thought, to be honest,

it was the sort of thing that I'd
avoid at the Edinburgh Fringe.

But I decide... We decided to commit
and to do it as best we could.

So I hope you're pleased
with what happened.

Are you happy with how it went?

Yep.

Sensational.

Who's next?

OK, well, strap yourself in
for John Kearns.

Oh, God.

T minus 60 seconds.

Hello, Houston.

Jake here, or should
I say, "Hello, honey."

I guess we're doing this.

Me going to Mars,
you leading the ground team.

What a couple we make, you and me.

T minus 45 seconds.

All right, all right.
I know you're just doing your job.

I get it.
That's why you're the big boss

and I'm just the flying guy.

Strapped in for the ride.

A bit like our marriage, huh?

I know, I know, I shouldn't bring it
up,

but, you know, we got through a lot.

T minus 30 seconds.

I just think we should be proud
of what we overcame.

Not every couple can get over
the things that I did.

OK. Final checks.

Engine, go.

Thrusters on.

Navigation system.

Uh, honey?

The navigation system
don't seem to be connected.

T minus ten seconds.

Well, honey, how am I supposed
to land on Mars

if I ain't got no nav...?

T minus five seconds.

Oh, my God.
You destroyed the navigation system.

I said I was sorry.
I said I was sorry!

APPLAUSE

That is an epic story.

As the author of the piece, I mean,

I thought you did
a wonderful job.

You did an absolutely fantastic job
of getting it across.

I wouldn't have gone as Southern...

I have to be honest.

I thought it was
absolutely fantastic.

Genuinely made me feel very bad
about what I've written.

Finally, then, it's
the old thesp himself,

Dara O Briain performing
John Kearns's piece.

Here we go.

PHONE RINGS

He's here.

OK.

PHONE RINGS

No. No.

That's OK. Tell him that's OK.

APPLAUSE

Well, I beg to differ.

Beckett said, "Words are a stain
on silences and nothingness."

Yep.

Munya's got a tattoo of that.

Dara, that was exceptional.

You reminded me
of Brando in Apocalypse Now.

I mean, all joking aside, Dara,

I genuinely found myself drawn in
by your performance.

Initially when I opened it,
I said,

"Oh, shit, there's nothing here."

That was my initial reaction to
reading the script.

And then I realised the point is
to inhabit the character

and create your own character within
the eight words of dialogue.

You have to double score this.

I'll do performance first.

Right. I'm gonna give Munya two
points. Well done, Munya two points.

Right, this is my most
controversial thing

because I think you were hampered
by your play.

It wasn't a play.

And I'm gonna give you three points

because I think you cocked your
head brilliantly

and you walked out of the room
in an excellent way.

And Munya, well, to use
an old showbiz term,

he's fucked you over big time.

Fern's performance was amazing.

Thank you.
And Dara's was amazing.

What about John? It was overall
good. I'll give you four points.

These two, they were genuinely
strong acting performances.

I'm giving them five points each.

OK, five to Dara, five to Fern.

Now, Munya's play.

It was pretentious nonsense.
I'm giving it one point.

One point to Munya.
Yes, off we go.

I felt the space epic
was slightly overwritten.

I'll give it four points.

I'm gonna give all of the others
five points.

I couldn't separate them.

OK, Fern, John and Sarah
get five points for the play.

APPLAUSE

Do you have a much shorter task
where I have to do less work?

I sure do, Greg. Let's art.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Fern.

Oh, this is good, cos I haven't
brushed my teeth today.

This looks random.

No. Oh, is it not random?

Is it not random. the sausage and
the plank and the toilet paper?

It's random, Alex.

Just drop it low.

What have we got?

Choose one item from each plinth.
Definitely not a word.

And bring them into the lab.

You have one minute.

Your time starts now.

Right, there's that sausage.

Yeah, I know an undercooked sausage
when I see one.

It's a vegetarian sausage.

I'm gonna do toilet roll.

I never go anywhere without
a toilet roll, and then brush.

Definitely not touching that.

I am going to use
an electric toothbrush

and I'm going to use
a bin, then. Brilliant.

What is this?
This is just a sheet, isn't it?

Not just a sheet, it's a...

Is it a fitted sheet?
No, it's a queen-sized sheet.

Right, let's go to the lab.
Wrong way.

Wrong way?

I can paint with a big brush
and if I shit meself, I'm fine.

Paint a self-portrait
using your brush.

Or sausage.

On your other chosen object.
Massive fitted sheet.

You must use the business end
of your brush or sausage.

What's the business end
of a sausage?

The left, I think.

And in your self-portrait you must
be wielding your brush or sausage.

You're obsessed with sausages, bro.
Best self-portrait wins.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time started when you entered
the lab. Oy!

This is dead good.

So I'm using it like a paint brush.

There was no rules to say I had
to use the whole business end.

This isn't gonna work well, is it?

Some nice little swirls.

Ears first.

Wait, just wait.

The end will blow your
bloody mind.

OK.

The delicate lines of the face and
neck may be more difficult to do.

Yeah, I've never seen someone just
do the eyes and then the body.

I can't see. God.

Why can't you see?

Because the brush is in the way.

It's something I didn't think
would be an issue,

is when the sausage gets
contaminated.

If you want me to get you a cloth
to clean your sausage, just say.

I can have a cloth to clean my
sausage? Yeah, I'd love that.

What are the colour of my eyes?
Brown, we do not have brown.

Look at this.
Doesn't look good at all.

Balayage. That's balayage, innit?

Red. Oh, my God.

Oh, like a khaki colour.

I could get a job for
the army doing their outfits.

I bet none of those other plebs
thought to mix colours.

Dara doesn't seem artistic.

Oh, I like the texture.

Oh, no. No, I've ruined that now.

You've got six minutes
and 25 seconds, Munya.

Roger that, A-dog.

Oh.

What if the business end
has fallen off?

Is it a new business end or do you
have to use the original
business end?

Not been in this situation before,
to be honest.

What if we wanna show us on
the inside?

Let's venture inside my anatomy.

Modern art.

Yeah, I'd say I'm done now.

Do you know what? You could give me
another hour I wouldn't make

any other artistic decisions there.
I think that is me.

Bye, thanks.

Bye-bye.
I'm gonna have a bath now.

APPLAUSE

Dara, talk us through
the eyes first system.

I thought I'd get the blue right.

I wanted the blue of the eyes, cos
everything gets really muddy

when you're painting with a toilet
brush. It just gets really messy.

So I thought I wanted
the blue of the eyes

to be very striking,
so I'd do that pure.

Lovely. So in your piece we're
gonna be drawn in by the eyes
initially?

I think they're the thing
that's most going to strike you
about my piece.

This is Dara's self-portrait with
the standard materials

toilet brush on bedsheet.

Swim in those eyes.

Those eyes are haunting.

Haunting. Haunting.

You are gonna have to be wielding
the item that you were using

in the picture and he is doing that.
We can see this next to himself.

You not only did yourself, you also
did the mountains of Ireland

in the background.
I did.

Oh, is that what they are?
That's what they are.

I'm actually obscuring many of the
other mountains of Ireland.

They're right, they're just behind
my head.

Does it remind you
of Chris Whitty or not?

Well, it's not a bad opener,
that's what I'd say.

OK, well, compare it to this then.
This is Fern doing a self-portrait

using a sausage on a toilet seat.

Whoa. Jesus Christ.

With a sausage.

This is a weird episode in that
there are things that are

actually properly good in it.

This is a first in
Taskmaster history.

Well, the only thing I've been
good at out of any of the tasks

was any artistic ones.

Fern, it's brilliant.

It's a brilliant painting
with a sausage.

Yeah. Do you wanna see it
with her actual face?

Oh, yeah, course, yeah.
Just as a comparison.

She looks more realistic
on the left.

If you squint at Fern's picture,

there's a tiny face trapped in
the nose.

It's meant to be that way.

Yeah, you're right,

and I'll judge the painting
on that face.

It's the end of part three

and if you're not pumped up
about that,

someone's about to win
a bottle opener.

Get someone to check your pulse
for you if you don't feel like that.

What? Whoo! See you in five.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Yes, hello, you're in
the right place.

Well done and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

It's the final part of episode nine

and I am rabid to see some
more self-portraits.

Yes, I'm rabid too, Greg.

I'm extremely thirsty
and I keep attacking dogs.

But we must press on.

Now here's Sarah's self-portrait
done in the classic style

painted on a toilet roll
with a broom.

I tell you, I genuinely
remember this as going well.

This is it next to Sarah's face.

I mean, it's got glasses on
and some red lips.

I had a massive brush and toilet
roll. I think it's all right.

Shall we take a look at John's
sausage on loo roll picture?

Here it is.

Pretty good.

What does the green represent?

Those are the Irish mountains.

Do you wanna compare this
to his actual face?

Go on.

It's good.

The guy on the left does look like
he's wearing

those joke glasses and nose,
God bless.

It's a bit Mr Potato head,
isn't it?

But I think the rosy cheeks

represent how John's
always laughing.

But the eyes represent

how deep down there's a great
crushing sadness.

I really think it's excellent.

Thank you.
Who is next?

Last one to see is
of course Munya wielding

a toothbrush on a wheelie bin.

Wow. Why do you have long boobs?

No, I wanted to paint
with a sausage,

but I have a bit of a sausage phobia
because when I was at uni

I was so scared of going into my
overdraft I used

to buy 30 sausages for 15p.

And as you can imagine, there
weren't any sausage in them.

Where did you buy 50 sausages
for 15p?

Calm down, calm down, calm down.
Calm down, calm down.

What time we finishing?

Do you wanna see Munya
next to Munya?

It's just weird...
It's just weird, Munya.

There we go.

Oh, identical. Identical!

Let's get these done quickly.

All right, well, look,
here are all five.

Forgive me, Sarah.

As much as I enjoy your haunted face
coming through a brown roller brush,

one point to Sarah Millican.

Right.

Now, this is interesting.

Look at Dara! Look at Dara.

It's Dara, isn't it?

Well, I think so.

There's never been less expression
in anything.

Two points to Dara.

And whatever that old bloated bin
body... Three points.

Three points to Munya, OK.

Yes. I'm giving John Kearns
four points.

Four points to John.

And the undeniably excellent
sausage-work of Fern Brady.

Five points.

Congratulations, Fern.
APPLAUSE

Quick look at the scores.

I can tell you she's not won
an episode yet

but Fern is in the lead
with 20 points.

APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, please make your way
to the stage

for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

Who's gonna read
the final task out today?

Munya Chawawa.

Tie your towel as tightly as
possible around your body.

You have 30 seconds.

Pretty straightforward.
You have 30 seconds.

Everyone ready?

And they're off, Greg.

Yep.

Different methods as always.

We've got neck, we've got ankles,
we've got waists.

There's a second part
to this, right?

Would have thought so.

Off you go, Munya.

OK.

Place your hands on your head.

Oh, no, you have to as well.

OK, all right.

Place your hands on your heads

and keep them there
until the end of the task.

Get your towel completely in your
bucket.

Fastest wins.

Start on the whistle, please.

What a terrible decision I've made!

Good luck.

It must be off your body.
It must be off your body.

Off your body.

We have one. We have one.

Oh, no!

There's nothing I can do!

Go on, Sarah. It's coming,
it's coming.

You are.

I feel like a horse.

Yes, you look like a horse.

It's getting looser.

We've got number two, number two's
going in. Number two has gone in.

Oh, I'm so tired!

I am genuinely worried about John.

Yes, there is progress.

I'm so tired.

I can't do anything.

It's in. It's in.

I tell you now, Sarah's gonna be
there for the rest of her life.

I did the first part
of the task really well.

Time's up.

Let's add it all up
and add it to your final scores.

Come and join me.

Well, well, well.

Some of them tied it too tight
in the end.

Yes, but that means they did the
first part of the task very well.

Very well. Too well for John and
Sarah who came in joint fourth.

Fern valiantly in third place,

Munya in second place

but Dara O Briain gets the five
points. He won the task!

APPLAUSE

Which means Dara on 22,

Fern also on 22 and one, it's 23.

She's won the episode!

APPLAUSE

Fern wins.

The underestimated items
are all yours to evaluate.

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if at first you
don't succeed, try, try again.

And to prove that point I'd like
to end the show

with another success story.

I've been working with him in
the break,

and now to finish the show,
it's over to John.

HE WHISTLES

Hey, it's the final next.
How did that happen?

But for now, please applaud
tonight's winner one more time.

It's Fern Brady!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media