Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 8 - Episode #14.8 - full transcript

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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour

HE GRUNTS

SHE GASPS

VARIOUS GASPS

Shut up!

Oh, be care... Oh.

ALEX GROWLS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Welcome, everybody.

I'm Greg Davies,
and this is Taskmaster.



Lazy journalists often ask me,

"Hey, Greg, what would you be like
as a competitor on Taskmaster?"

And my answer is always the same.

"Does your mum like being kissed
with that dirty mouth?

"Huh?! Does she?!"

I'm the Taskmaster!

Before every series,
I spend six months training

with Shaolin monks in
the hills of China.

What should I use my jacked body
to throw toilet paper

around Gatwick airport?

Should I use these skills to throw
cottage pie through a big pipe?

Ahh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I doubt it!



Fortunately for you,
there are five people here

who will take on such challenges.

They are Dara O Briain...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Fern Brady...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Kearns...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Munya Chawawa...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sarah Millican.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, the man who has
the answer to the question,

"What do you get if you cross
a really boring chemistry teacher

"with another really boring
chemistry teacher?"

HIGH-PITCHED: It's...
little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks, everyone. Hi, Greg.

Hello.

Ooh! I love spending time with you.

Banter time. Let's do it.
Let's do one.

L-Let's just play a game of, erm,
of minds, noughts, and crosses.

Do you want to do that?
Could you? Would you?

Sure. OK. I'm noughts.

OK.

LAUGHTER

Is it my go? Uh-huh.

I wouldn't have done that.

LAUGHTER

It's your board.

OK.

Oh, no. Yeah.

WHISPERS: Alex?
Yes, Greg?

I've got an erection.

LAUGHTER
Oh.

Right! On with the prize task.

Well, this week,
you've asked them to bring in

the best fancy dress.

Greg will judge the best fancy
dress, and then, the winner of

the episode will take home
five very fancy dresses.

Simple as that. Right. Fern.

I am dressed as an alien
dressed as a Scottish man.

Yes, this is Fern's fancy dress.
Have a look.

LAUGHTER

Oh-ho, my God!

You know when you get these, like,
educational films for children?

This was a film where -

there's a Scottish book called
The Cone Gatherers

about two brothers.

And for some reason,
I was an alien that inhabited

the character of the book.

But I'm not what people
would call a thespian,

and I got shot dead in the end.

Right. Wh-Why was the alien shot?

I was shot cos I wasn't meant to be
gathering cones in the forest.

I feel like possibly
my drinks have been spiked.

Incredible. Good luck, Dara.
LAUGHTER

I brought in a, er,
plague doctor's mask.

This is Dara wearing
his plague doctor's costume.

Ooh, I find that
immediately unsettling.

We have got a close-up of the mask.

That's the actual mask,
the plague doctor's mask.

But the plague doctors mask
has no air holes in it,

so really quickly,
the windows steam up, er,

and you have to keep reaching your
hand into it and windscreen wiping

the little glass windows.

So that was bad.

I then started lifting it up
onto my head, so people go,

"What, are you a unicorn?"

That's genuinely creepy.

It's quite a thing. John.

Do you like fancy dress?

I don't enjoy it at all.

Neither do I.

So, what I do is I bring
in my pocket...

..an inflatable walking stick.

LAUGHTER

You can be Charlie Chaplin...

..Willy Wonka...

..the bloke from Up.

I don't like giving you one point
in this round, do you know that?

Well, I don't think it deserves
one point, even though

it clearly says "one" up there.

LAUGHTER

Munya. Yes?
I feel good about this. OK.

So, I have brought in
the most accurate replica of

a space suit ever made.

Accurate.

LAUGHTER

And just to try and tip you
over to five points,

I've actually got
a video of me in the suit.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

It's not bad, Munya.
It's not bad. Sarah?

So, from the age of 16 to 21,
I worked at WH Smiths.

And every Christmas Eve,
we were allowed to get dressed up.

And then, one of the years,
nobody else wanted to -

apart from me and my friend.

So, we decided to do bad taste...
Oof.

LAUGHTER

..and borrowed some clothes
from my friend's mum.

Sorry.

And we wore them.

And nobody noticed.

LAUGHTER

We just looked like
we were from South Shields,

which is where we were.

I don't think it's that bad.
I'd wear that.

All right, then, scoring time.

The trouble is,
I like the spirit of John's -

but it's obviously the worst
fancy dress, isn't it? Oh, my miles.

Yeah, by a country mile.
Give him one point.

I don't think Sarah's dress
is that fancy.

I'm going to give her two points.

Because Dara's and Munya's are
shop-bought fancy dress,

I'm going to give them three points.
Three points each?

Yes, because we all know there's
got to be a gulf between anything

and that...bloody alien boy.
LAUGHTER

All right. Five points. Five points.

Yes, finally!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, what does
the first task involve?

It involves dash, dot, dash, dot,

dash, dash, dash, dash,
dot, dot, dot. Dot.

Hello, John. Yeah.

Fern. Hiya.

Dara. Ooh!

Excuse me. Yes, do the table.

Nothing your side? No.

Nothing this side.

Is everyone well?
Yeah, you know. Straight in.

"Come up with a secret language
that doesn't use words.

"You have ten minutes, after which
one of you must go to the lab.

"Your time starts now."

MUNYA: What if we had, like,
broader categories,

so this could be, like, punch?

Why is that your first word?

So, punch... No! No.

I'm not going with this.

So, that can be "yes".

Oh, that could be "no," yeah.

You, me, us, hard, yeah...

SHE LAUGHS

..hard, medium, gently.

One of my key words in my life
is not "gently"!

You know, the most common word
in the world is, er...

Right, what're we going to do?

It's very difficult when you don't
know what you'll be talking about.

Yeah, it is actually, yeah.
Use common words.

It's like "ergh" or something.

Oh, Jesus.

Do, or noun?

What, you and me, nouns now?

A to E is yellow.

I'll give you an instruction. So...
SHE LAUGHS

So...
BELL DINGS

I.

Verb.

Oh, no, you named it.
I, verb, medium.

What you, then do is you get
these sticks, and you use that

for the subject matter.

There's literally no
fault in this method.

SHE LAUGHS

DARA: A, B, C, D, E, F...
Yes, yes, yes, yes!

And then, for the letter you use.

..T, U, V. So...
You use the number.

You add a stick.

I don't know if you're
a genius or a madman.

If we get this right,
then it means the code works, OK?

If we get this right,
it'll be a bloody miracle.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Munya, please go to the lab.
Oh-ho-ho, good luck!

APPLAUSE

The team of two. Mm. Yeah?

The first word was suggested by
Munya was the word "punch".

Yeah, out of all the words...
That was his first word.

That's his first word -
and he followed it up with "lick".

Yeah, but most situations can be
solved by a punch or a lick.

Tell me any situation. Now?

Actually, you're right.

There you go.

What's this, John,

"The most commonly used word
in the world is 'ergh'..."?

I, er, I heard it on the radio.
LAUGHTER

And... And everyone anywhere in
the world understands "ergh".

MUNYA: What?
I-I don't understand it now.

Let's see it in action, come on.

Yeah, let's see the "I-verb-medium"
team. It's Sarah and Munya.

"Secretly give this instruction
to your team mate.

"You may not say or write
any other words in the instruction.

"Fastest wins.

"Your time starts as soon as
you walk through the door,

"and stops when the instruction's
carried out by your team mate."

Should be easy.

Time has started.

You. Mm-hm.

Verb.

Mouse? Er, speak?

Shout? Eat?

You...you feed!

Mm!

Noun.

God, I hope there's a "hard"
or a "gently" coming up soon.

You feed...the cat?

You feed...a giraffe?

Ohh! You feed the giraffe.

You feed the giraffe - oh,
and...this is horrifically working.

Is there punch coming up?
Because I know that one.

You feed the giraffe and...

..elephant.
HE CLAPS

Is that it?

Three.

You feed the giraffe and elephant

down along three times...

..in the clown's mouth?

Jesus Christ!

We done it!

Yeah? OK.

Three.

I've stopped the clock.
Oh, my God! Well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I was a bit disappointed that
no-one got fed hard or punched.

but what looks like absolute
chaos worked a treat.

I'm still surprised that it worked,
and I was there.

Right. Find someone to spoon
for five minutes,

because we're going to have
an advert break. Alex!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Welcome back
to Taskmaster -

where there's a code-creating
task on the go.

No, I don't think so, Greg.

I'm just kidding, there is!

The team of two's unorthodox
codes seem to work.

In the end, they fed three giraffes
and an elephant to the clown.

Let's see how Dara, Fern,
and John got on.

B-B-A.

F.

Yes!

BELL RINGS

Right I think that's B.

C!

THEY LAUGH

What? Why are you holding
two sticks?

Is it A? Is it B?

Is it C? Is it D?

Is it E?

It is!
Oh, I think the next letter is D.

B, B!

I don't understand.

I don't know what is it!

T. OK we're back, we're back,
we're back, we're back,

we're back, we're back. H!

Is it R? Yeah.

Is the next one E?

Yeah, E.

Feed...three...

Ducks?

Sheep?

E that means E. Yeah.

There's been, so far, five Es. X!

Well, that can only be L, M, or N.

Elephant.

Ooh, maybe. That's a P.

Is it elephant? No, he can't
say that, we have to...

N, so the language works.

The language does work.
Save three elephants, and...

Oh, giraffe. Oh, here we go.

Next word, please.

A.

C. How is it C? I-I...

How was it C? Cos it is.

Oh! L. It's clown!

"Feed three elephants,
and a giraffe to the clown?"

DARA: Christ Almighty.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

My impression formed
of you non-dingers -

Fern was of more used to you
on this occasion.

Fern was a joy to work with,
a pleasure to be around.

we were on the same wavelength,
we worked really, really well.

Yeah, that's all I want
to say about that task. Er...

LAUGHTER

And if you wanted to go to
a fancy dress with one of them,

you'd go with her right?
I would, I would. I mean, and...

You wouldn't take some prick with
a blow-up walking stick.

LAUGHTER

John, anything you want to
say in your defence?

My brain doesn't work like that.

It doesn't work.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Oh, never mind.

Maybe there's some points to be had.

Well, as you saw, Fern and John
fed three elephants and a giraffe

to the clown, but Sarah fed one
elephant and three giraffes

to the clown.
So, only one of them's got it right.

Whichever team turn out to have fed
the correct animals into the clown

will get five points, and if they
fed the wrong animals to the clown,

there will be no points.
No points.

AUDIENCE GASPS

What?! Cos the task wouldn't
have been completed.

Feels harsh.
But I don't know who did it.

You could still be a nicer person.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, the team of three
thinks it's three elephants.

If they're right, they win.

"Feed three elephants
and a giraffe to the clown."

DARA: "Feed three giraffes
and an elephant to the clown."

Which means the team of two win
five points each! Oh, wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's crushing.
DARA: That is tough.

That is, er, entirely my fault

and I apologise about everything
I said about John. Er...

LAUGHTER

Let's have the scoreboard.

Yes. Munya, of course, yet to win
an episode, as has Fern -

but they're both in with
a shot in this one.

Fern is on 5, Munya's in the lead
with 8 points! Yes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Come on!

Right, what is next, please?

Well, there's something
pretty alluring.

Mm!

Hi. Hi, Sarah. Hello.

Hello, Fern.
Can I walk in like that?

Wow, that was really nice.

Right.

"Pin an alluring tail on the
alluring animal while blindfolded."

"Pin the tail on the donkey."

"You have 15 minutes
to find the alluring animal."

Ooh, "Make an alluring tail."

"Put your alluring tail
on the tail station,

"and prepare to pin your alluring
tail on the alluring animal."

Blindfolded!

"Starting from here. Fastest wins."

ALEX: You have to now try to
find the alluring animal.

What animals do you find alluring?

The Cadbury's, er, bunny.

It's out the front!

Aha!

SARAH: Is it him?

So, that's the alluring animal?

ALEX: Is it alluring?

No, I'm not a pervert.

So, now we need an alluring tail.

So, the tail station is that circle
in the middle of the lawn.

What's in here that might be sexy?

I mean, that's quite
an alluring tail in itself.

What about flowers up its butt?

That's lovely.

I'll use this.
What is it, a toilet brush?

It looks kind of used.

No, don't sniff it.

APPLAUSE

The Cadbury's bunny, yeah?
LAUGHTER

Well, she's fictional,
so that's all right.

So, it's pin the tail on the donkey,

but we gave them 15 minutes
to prepare their tail.

But that's really a distraction
from preparing their route

from tail to tiger.

Good. Let's begin with good ol' Dara
and good, young Munya.

Alex. Yes?

Do you know what I'm going to do?

No. I'm going to make a long path.

Right, OK.

I need to keep to
the right-hand side of this.

Take this as far as you can.

OK, stop. All right.

Drop. Drop? Right, I'm ready.

Right. I have to go back and
sit down, don't I? Yes, please.

When I blow the whistle,
you must pin your alluring tail

on the alluring animal.
BLOWS WHISTLE

Just need to find the door.

OK. Corridor...

..and then, out here.
Now it's the steps.

OK. Whoa.

I can hear my voice
pinging off some sort of dome.

Turn 90 degrees.

One, two, three...there.

Ohh, not quite.

That's how this has to happen.

Aha! Right.

It's about keeping
a low centre of gravity, Alex.

I can see that.

Like a coiled hedgehog.

Piano, piano, piano.

Yes! Ready? Push!

Yeah! Stop the clock.

The head of alluring animal,
bum of alluring animal. Saucy.

I've stopped the clock.
Thank you, Dara.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm not sure how alluring
Munya's tiger was

after it had been violently tailed.

Let's have a look at his alluring
tiger after it had been tailed.

No, but the thing is,
in my defence,

if that is a toilet brush...

Toilet brushes go near bottoms,
which are alluring.

You know you don't clean your bum
with a toilet brush, don't you?

And you certainly don't
clean your bum with

a toilet brush that deeply.

You were on your feet
most of the time, Dara,

and I hope you don't take what
I've written down as an insult here.

I'm clearly about to have to
take that as an insult, but go on.

I've put, "Dara has a very upright,
dainty walk for a big man."

Full stop. "Like one of those
Spanish horses that can dance."

LAUGHTER

You got some times?
I do. Dara, three minutes exactly.

Munya, two minutes and six seconds.

In the lead at the moment,
so well done, Munya.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, Fern and Sarah now.

So, can I just go in here
and be blindfolded?

Yeah, when you come out, though,
you'll be coming out the front.

Did you want to - are you having
a practice? What are you doing?

Huh? Do you just want to start?

Yes! OK, I'm coming.

What are you waiting for?

What are we waiting for? Yeah.

Your time starts...now.

Do be careful.

I don't have very good spatial
awareness when I'm not blindfolded.

Right.

Ah, there we go there's the door.

Oh! No, that's not the door.

So, this was where the 18 started.
So, one, two...

Ohh-ho-ho, no!

What's your system now, Fern?

I just have to keep waving my arms.

Right.

Oh, there's the globe.

Is the house there?
I don't think so.

If the hedge is there...

Is the hedge there? No.

So, there's a wagon wheel,
and then, it's four steps.

I'm going to shuffle till
I hit it with my feet.

SHE GROANS

Feels minging.

Oh! OK, OK, OK.

Oh! I found my tail.

I should've counted how many steps.
Why didn't I do this bit?

Am I going to walk into anything?

Where do you think you are?
Near the piano.

Right. Am I not? No.

Where is it? Where is it?

Ooh.

Argh, God!

Oh, that's the cow!

Ooh, hello. Are you here?

Where is it? Where is it?

Ah, there he is!

I'll feel the heat of its body.

Argh! Done.

I've stopped the clock.

There we go. Done.

I've stopped the clock, Fern.

You...oh.

APPLAUSE

Two very contrasting styles.

Sarah used a step-counting system
to complete the task

with reasonable efficiency.

Fern stumbled around waving
her hands in front of her

whilst shouting, "Where am I?"
LAUGHTER

You're following this narrative
that I don't have systems,

and I just flounder around.

What was the system, then?

Well...there might not
have been a system.

LAUGHTER

I was going to use the one
that bats do, where you, like,

make a clicking sound.

And I would've been far kinder
in my summary if you had.

OK, well, Sarah's method
sort of worked.

She just felt her way there in
nine minutes and 40 seconds.

OK. Yeah, not good.

Not great,
but comparatively not bad.

Fern, you took 13 minutes

and 53 seconds to cover 25 metres.

If you did the marathon
at that rate,

it would take 16 days
and eight hours.

Three, two, one, advertising!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Here we are again,
for the third part of the show.

Ooh, nice work, Greg.
Someone's been practising.

Before the break, the five
competitors were trying to plan

how best to pin a tail on an
alluring animal once blindfolded.

Fern Brady does not make plans.

Now finally,
what will John Kearns do?

You think a blindfold's
going to do me?

In we go.

Your time starts...
WHISTLE BLOWS

Right, now I've planned for this.

I don't remember it
being this far away.

Well, I left it here.

Have you moved it? No.

No. "No," he says.

It's there, John. It's not there.

Where am I there? I'm at the door!

Well, it's there. Well, OK.

It's right there.
Well, pick it up, then.

Aha! Oh.

Where's the string?

Where's the tail?

The tail was on top of
the tail station.

Yeah, it still is.
The bits of...no, it's not.

It's not because I just picked up
the tail station.

You soiled my planning!

I tell you, I thought I was doing
this in under a minute or something.

Is that the piano? Yes.

HE CHUCKLES

Stop the clock. Well done, John.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't quite know what went wrong,
cos it looked really promising.

It...the...I don't know, I...

It just disappeared.

Then I accused the team of...

Yeah, you were very cross.

You thought we'd moved your tail.
You were convinced, yeah.

I got a bit angry, I apologise.
For a couple of hours.

I think that,
once you did find the tail,

you walked away like
a grandfather in a sitcom.

Could be wrong.
Let's see if he did.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Tell me some times.

Yes, well, 1 point to Fern,
with her 13 minutes, 53. Oh, no.

2 points to Sarah,

then it was John, with his
eight minutes and 12 seconds.

Dara, of course, three minutes -

but the fastest by quite
some distance was Munya.

He gets another 5 points! Wow.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow. Right, another one.

OK, yes, and I have an extremely
handy one ready now.

So, let's see it.

GHOSTLY WHISPERING:
That's my hand...that's my hand...

WHISPERING MULTIPLIES

That's my hand.

OK, this is sinister.

Munya. I brought a little, er,
comfort animal along.

I've abducted him.

Place your hand on the table.

Ooh! Ergh.

"Find the back of your hand."

Oh, no!

SARAH: "Fewest wrong guesses wins."

"You have a maximum of 20 minutes."

MUNYA: "And your time starts
when Alex does a hand pun."

I think I should be able to do it,

cos I have really big, weird hands

that look like a roofer's.

All hands on deck.

Just to reassure you,
you are in safe hands.

Was that a pun? Yeah. OK.

You are going to have
to do it single-handedly.

APPLAUSE

Just explain what they have to do.

Yes, so on the very first day
they arrived in the house,

I took a polaroid of their hands.

Yeah. In that garage,
there were 3,000 other hands.

Hands of our viewers, in fact.

Thank you for sending
your hands in, if you did.

The first people we'll see
have some very similar hands -

all four, lovely and soft,
it's Dara and John.

I remember, erm,
someone's dessert island discs

who's playing the piano.

He was looking down at his hands...

..and he realised he was
looking at his fathers' hands.

You know, I'm looking for not just
my hands, but my dad's hands.

I don't think your dad's
hands are here.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Is there any clue?

"For sale - reject boards.
100 guesses."

So, I can tell you which
boards it's not,

but it will cost you
100 guesses for each board.

That's not a good deal. OK.

There's got to be something clever
with this, there's got to be

some other way of doing this.

What's that?
Oh, I wouldn't touch that, but...

What'd you say?
I said, "I wouldn't touch that."

It's that hand,
so there'd be no ring on it.

Place your hand there, please.
Your left hand.

ECHOING: It's that hand,
so there'd be no ring on it.

ECHOING CONTINUES

Whose hands are those?

Is that your first guess? Yeah.

Wrong. Fu...

Right, eliminate two boards.

Well, there's a dog there.

These are all wrong fingers,
if you want to dip in there.

Yep. These two.

Left pinky, right pinky.

200 guesses.

That's half your time gone.

How many boards are there? Eight.

I want to get rid of seven.

Here's what we'll do, two more.

Gone! I'm not on there,
I'm not on there,

I'm not on there, I'm not on there.

Not on there...not on there...

I'm there. You now have 701 guesses.

That one.

No.

Is it that one? No.

Right, you're saying "no" quickly.

It can't be somewhere where you're
stood over there, and you can go,

"Yeah, it's that one."

Is it that one? No.

Is it that one? No.

Ah, you paused there.
It's around here.

You have 30 seconds.

I'm going to go mad,
staring at these.

AUDIENCE OOHS

That. No. That. No. That. No.

That. No. That. No.

It's around here. You started...

..pissing yourself around here.
AUDIENCE OOHS

Is...that one?

Come on!

That. No.

That...that.

Is it that one?No.
BLOWS WHISTLE

Too many hands.

ECHOING: They all look the same.

Where is my hand?

Thank you, Dara.

QUIET SOBBING

It's not fair...
there's so many hands.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

John, you know that whole
"dad's hands" thing? Yep.

Yeah, what were you on about?
LAUGHTER

Er, Russell Watson. Yeah.

So, he said he was playing the piano
one day, and then, he looked down,

and he was like,
"God, I've got my dad's' hands."

What you're saying is the opera
singer Russell Watson...

LAUGHTER

..said in an interview you saw
with him, he realises his hands

looks like his dad's,

and that affected your system
here of looking for your hands

when you had your own fucking
hands in front of you?

LAUGHTER
Why bring your dad into this at all?

It's easier to look for
your dad's hands than your own.

Dara, you hampered yourself
by picking the wrong hand.

See, I made the mistake,
I was looking for my auntie's hands.

LAUGHTER

Because Placido Domingo
said to me once...

John, at one point, I'm fairly sure
that you chose a Black hand.

LAUGHTER

Those were my dad's.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

APPLAUSE

Advert time!

If your partner is off making
the tea and they've got PJs on,

why not sneak up behind them and
pull their PJs down and shout,

"Look, kids, the moon is
disgusting tonight!"

LAUGHTER

It's your break,
do what you want.

We'll see you in a minute.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone!

Welcome back to the
closing part of today's show.

There was a creepy task in play,
I believe. You're right, Greg.

I got pictures of loads of hands,
stuck them on a wall,

and then, locked the competitors
in the garage with them.

I'm so weird.

Next to try and find their hands
amongst over 3,000 other hands

are Munya and Fern.

High five.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute!

Ooh.

So, we're looking for
a fat, square palm...

Ooh, that hand's horrible!

That's like a demon's hands.

So, there's two mirrors - one has
a little square in it, one's plain.

So, surely, I need to ping it off
the second mirror, don't I?

Now if I get it at just
the right angle,

it will point directly at my hand.

Yes, there you go.

That ain't my hand.

"For sale - reject boards."

Yeah, can you do that?

Left, middle, and right pinky.

Oh, you lot think you're smart.

Aha!

Because I'm stretching, is this
boiler suit giving me a camel toe?

Yo, hey, don't pan down, man,
what are you doing?!

Would you like to rule out
any more boards, Fern?

Yes, left wedding.

Right, middle. Left index.

OK.
SHE SIGHS

What in the hell?

So, now I've gone from
having to look for my own hand

to a tiny pinprick of laser.

This one? That's not your hand.
Yeah, too fat.

Aha, yes!

You know what? This is my hand.

I've stopped the clock.

This one! This hand.

That is your hand. That's my hand!

Come on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Really dug out
one hand in particular,

but it was a strange-looking
hand, to be fair.

Yeah, so I insulted a
lot of the hands,

but that's just speaking as
a person who hates my own hands.

Yes, she was looking for a
hand that was dehydrated.

She said, "What face does
my hand make?"

and, "My hand doesn't bulge."

LAUGHTER

Did I say that?
Uh-huh, and then, you asked,

"Who invented right and left,
and what's it for?" I did!

LAUGHTER

Munya, I thought watching you
in action was like watching

an episode of CSI, right up until
the point you announced

you had a camel toe.

When I used to go to
Laser Quest, in Norwich,

every time I used to go,
it was full of, like, ex-Marines.

So, I'd always just be
killed instantly.

So, what I had to do is I had
to learn to get into little corners

and look for reflective surfaces,

and then, ping them off
the top like that.

So I walked into there
and I've gone,

"This is what the training was for."

Munya took one guess, got it right.

Wow!So, it'll be tough to beat.
APPLAUSE

How many guesses did Fern take
to find her big old hands?

So, she used 504 guesses.

Oh, right. Who's left?
It's Sarah Millican.

I know how I had
my hand photographed.

How was that?

Everybody else is going to do that,
so I'm going to do that.

OK.
AUDIENCE GASPS

That should help.
It should help, shouldn't it?

Cos it should stand out more...

..than all the losers who've just
put their hand normal.

No, OK.

It's weird how hands don't
look like hands any more

when you look at them so much,

and now, some of them just look
like loads of parsnips.

Ah! Found it.

It's correct.
SHE GIGGLES

I don't know what say, it's just
some sweet forward planning.

But obviously I didn't know
what the task was going to be,

and I genuinely just thought
it was funny to look like

I was wanking a cock.

I was just going for the joke.

Well, Sarah and Munya both
just a single guess,

so they both get 5 points.
Fern 4, the others 0.

Sarah and Munya are the winners!
What a blow, well done!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a quick look
at the scores.

Right, well,
John rock-bottom with 4 points,

Munya rock-top with 18 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please make your way to the stage
for the final task of the show!

CHEERING

Who will be reading out
the final task?

Dara O Briain. Hit it.

"Guess the fully-extended length
of the extendible item.

"Closest to the fully-extended
length wins."

Sounds pretty high-octane. Oh, yeah.

OK, so it's a team task.

We have little markers -
if you make your guesses as a team,

but one of you can go out on
the Knappett and put down

where they think it will go.

The other person has
to stay on their spot.

And are we allowed
to lie down to measure things?

Is that how you normally
measure things?

LAUGHTER

We're going to start with
the feather duster,

and Dara, you go first. OK.

I don't think you want me
to do my catchphrase.

I want you to do your catchphrase.
Let's smash it.

JOHN: I think Fern agrees
with that, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I agree with it, as well, yeah.

Happy with that team? Yeah.

Right, so I want you to see -
how many ridges has it got? Seven.

That's a lot, isn't it?
I think further. Further?

Than they've got, yeah.
Yeah, cos the thing is you've got

to get those extra-high cobwebs,
no-one's getting a short cobweb.

Team of three has gone shorter,
team of two further.

Are you going
to invite me to extend?

LAUGHTER

Please use your own hands to extend.

He's off. Oh-ho-ho, he's off!

DRAMATIC MUSIC

The team of two get
the first points.

APPLAUSE

Now moving onto the dog lead -

and it's Sarah to measure first.

I think it's really long.

That's too far, because if you
need to pull it back suddenly,

you shouldn't be having to do this.

No, I do that all the time,
it's like pulling in the end of

a hoover and me dog flies back.

All right, go on, then, I trust you.

I've got it, I'm going
to go quite far.

Are you s...? OK. Yeah.
Just pull it back just a little bit.

WHISTLE BLOWS
No, she can't.

FERN: So, I really don't want
to fall off this.

No, I don't want you
to fall off this.

Here? Yeah, you go with your gut.

Let's extend.

Let's extend, straight to it.
OK, here we go.

Ooh, look at that lovely
confident extending.

Yeah, it's way longer.

What a brave boy. No, no.

CROWD GASPS
Ah, you jester.

MUNYA: Ah, so it can go over.
Over, I didn't know.

FERN: T-Too far.

The team of three.They take it.
APPLAUSE

We're moving on to tape measure.

A tape measure is meant to measure
everything in the house.

So, that's going to go...so far.

LAUGHTER

What have you seen, John?
Two times-ness.

What?

I'm tempted to not even move that.

Would it help if we got some
Russell Watson played in?

No, nearer!
WHISTLE BLOWS

It's a jumbo one, this.

All right, so it's the team of two.

MUNYA: How about this?
How about this?

Yeah, make sure it's
in front of the thing, yeah.

Blocking them.

Let's extend.

TENSE MUSIC PLAYS

AUDIENCE OOHS

Such a silly man.

That is it. Really?

Yes. Well, it does say
"two times NES."

Two times NEs, so that's, of course,
two times Noel Edmonds's.

THEY LAUGH

All the information was
on the tape measure.

So, the team of two gets
another point. Congratulations.

I'm pretty excited about the ladder.

Is it the ladder now?
It's ladder time, guys. Yeah!

MUNYA: Do you think that is
the size of a house? I don't know.

I don't know a thing about ladders.
Go over the thingy.

Go over the Knappett.

Right on the brink! Do you think?
On the brink. On the brink?

I don't think its going to go
that tall. Four seconds.

Can I move it in?
Yeah, there, there.

There, there, there. There! OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, wow.

What a rush!
SARAH GIGGLES

Team of three,
you do need to win this one.

FERN: Every section of that
extends about that.

If we could lay Dara end-to-end...

That's a big if.

I think Dara's using his own system.

I just heard someone say,
"Oh, no, up there."

Let's extend.

It's going to go way past both,
is my prediction.

MUNYA: Ah, yes.

Oh, ooh, hello. Hello.

Oh, we're at the end. Oh, what?!

I think it's perfect.

APPLAUSE
Team of three!

OK, so next one wins, Greg.

It's the red vacuum cleaner.

This time, it's being measured
to where its face gets to.

Oh, so it's using the lead?

Exactly, we're measuring
the extension lead. Ooh-wee!

Hello. I'm pissed with anticipation.

LAUGHTER

Team of two, you're going first.

MUNYA: I reckon this man is
long enough to get to the edge.

Yeah. What do you think? I agree.

We have to commit.
I-I feel like off the edge.

All right. Cool, there we go.

Bold. So bold.

Brave.

Well, cleaners use this,
it's not for normal households.

LAUGHTER

He's found his marker.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Just on the edge.
CROWD EXCLAIMS

Oh, he's gone bold.
Three seconds. Are you happy, John?

WHISTLE BLOWS

CROWD EXCLAIMS

MUNYA: Oh, yes! Come on!

Yes!

Two things -
it was an act of madness.

And secondly, who'd have
thought someone would make

this game genuinely exciting?

LAUGHTER

But when the whistle went...

AUDIENCE OOHS

..the team of three were
on the floor. Ooh.

I did see where you placed it,

and I think I've been true to that.
Let's extend.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

It's a short one. That's it.

CROWD EXCLAIMS

MUNYA: Does that mean we win?
The team of two win!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What's he talking about?
That's as far as it goes.

Let's add that up and see
how it's affected the final scores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FERN: I've never heard
of that before.

APPLAUSE

Oh!Well, all right, everyone's
a bit cross about the trick vacuum.

Yeah.

LAUGHTER

In the end, the team of two
get three points.

The team of three get two points.

So, well done, Sarah and Munya!

Wow.
APPLAUSE

Shall I tell you some scores?
Yes, please.

Well, in the series - oh, wow,

Fern and John have exactly
the same number of points, 113,

Munya 118 now,

Sarah on 141,

Dara on 142!

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

APPLAUSE

In this episode,
John has 6 points.

LAUGHTER

Dara 9, Fern 12, Sarah 17,

Munya Chawawa has 21 points!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

At last, Munya wins!

Please go and party
with your fancy dress!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's just two shows left,
but just one winner tonight.

It is Munya Chawawa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media