Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 7 - Episode #14.7 - full transcript

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Hello, everyone.

Hello, and welcome,

it's me, Big Daddy G,
and things are about to get lit.

A wise man once said,

"If you want to find out what
drives the human spirit

"get a person to eat weird
flavoured ice cream

"or collect sand in
a shopping trolley."

That man,
none other than Nelson Mandela.

And before you start writing in,

I'm talking about
the Nelson Mandela who owns

the launderette in my home town
and he did say that,

and once I saw him eat 40 bags
of Hula Hoops in one sitting.

Guy's a legend.

Who are the five whose spirits
we look to test?

Well, please welcome Dara O Briain,

Fern Brady,

John Kearns,

Munya Chawawa,

and Sarah Millican.

And next to me, he's got a
brain made for business

and a bod made for sin.

It's Little Alex Horne.

Are you in a good mood?
I'm in a good mood.

Well, I'm in charge of health
and safety concerns now,

I've got a new hard hat
just in case.

Here it is.
Here it is, it's...

you can see it's got
straps there,

and there's a zip there.

I don't know how you put it on
actually, it's such a hard...

That's it. That's the joke, is it?
It's a hard hat.

It's a hard hat to put on?
Such a hard hat to put on.

You know some of these people have
travelled quite some distance
to get here? Yeah.

Right, on with the prize task.

On we go and this time
the category is...

the thing you would most like
to have with you on

a car journey. Hmm.

A car would be pretty handy.

Get the hat out again, party time.

The item Greg agrees is best for
a car journey

will get its owner five points and
the winner of the show

will scoop up all five things

and have a ridiculously good drive
home from studio.

Dara, what is the thing you would
most like to have
with you on a car journey?

I have gone for this case.

It's a console carrying case
and here it is.

Oh, wow.

You can strap any gaming
machine to it,

plug it in and play full-size
video games,

or watch a movie
if you want.

I mean they're not famously
portable, are they?

But this makes them portable.

And that's why when you're on tour
you only wear one outfit

cos you have to put all your
energy into carrying this around.

Fern, can you beat a massively
impractical games console holder?

Oh, yes, mine is very practical,

if you're a comedian, one of
the things you need

other than resilience
and being emotionally dead inside,

is the skill of holding in your piss

for long amounts
of time on car journeys

so I've brought
a she-wee.

I think there's,
there's other brands available.

I think there's one called
a Go Girl.

I asked for a bottle that was about
two litres

so I can keep driving.

Oh, I don't think I fully understood
the scenario here.

You're driving and wanting
not to stop?



I haven't got the confidence
to use mine and I've had it,

I've had it for a year.

You should try it just at home in
the toilet, cos I've got one.

As soon as I got it I thought
I'm having a go of this,
so I had a little try

and I got a little bit on
the seat like a real live boy.

Um, I brought in...

Oh, here we go.

A sailor's hat. Yep.

Picture it, yeah.
I am picturing it.

You're driving along.

You see a car beside you.

You look over at the driver,
he's wearing that.

Everyone's honking.

Everyone loves him.

You're thinking, you know...

..is he late for his boat?

Kids banging on the
window going, "Yeah!"

Are the kids these days

excited by a small
bearded man in a sailor hat?

Just imagine Alex
and I are in a car journey now,

I'm driving obviously, he's
sitting there eating crisps. Yeah.

This is what I perceive
to be my reaction.


Look at this prick.

Munya, what have you brought in?

I've brought in
a co-ordination game.

Here it is.


This device can
measure human IQ

by how quickly you can
line up the discs.

Now, if I...

..if I can do this in eight seconds
on the show, Greg...

Yeah. ..are you gonna give
me five points?

I don't know, possibly.

But you're not in a car.

We're in a car,

John's my passenger.
Right, talk to me.

Um, have you seen the...
Yep, OK.

Have you seen where I put my
sailor's hat? Yeah.

Look out for
the central reservation!

OK, slowly, slowly.

Yeah. So you failed and...
No, no, hang on.

..there's a multiple car pile-up.

That is...that's gotta be
the worst prize all series.

That is gonna get beaten by
a fucking sailor's hat.

Imagine that.

Just for health and safety reasons.

So I watched a TV programme

where somebody drove,
accidentally obviously,

into some water and they

It's drama, don't worry nobody died,
it's just actors.

So I went online and thought

there's gotta be something that
would help you in that situation

and I brought an escape hammer.

The red part is the
hammer itself. Yep.

The bit at the end slices
through your seatbelt,

cos that's a problem,
you get locked in.

And the bit at the end can tap out
your windscreen. You are welcome.

It's a fairly pessimistic thing
to take with you, isn't it?

It's not, I think it's positive.
If it was pessimistic,

I would just be like,
"Ah well, dead now."

Oh, Christ.
Yeah, difficult to judge.

Well, one of them isn't difficult.

Giving Munya one point
and obviously Captain Ahoy two,

two points.

I must give Dara three points.

Fern the four points. OK.

Sarah Millican five points.

There we go, Sarah Millican wins.

Let's have a task proper then,
shall we?

OK. We begin this one in
the garage.

Yo. Is that Alex Horne on my lawn
eating corn at the crack of dawn?

Oi, oi, oi.



Bloody hell.

Choose a room.

And a weapon.

Then await further instructions.

Choose a room in
the Taskmaster house.

And a weapon.

Right, let's have a look.

Shed, lab, kitchen,
living room, loo, caravan.

The weapons are a frying pan.

- Belt.
- A high-heeled shoe.

A staple gun.


I'm gonna go for
the traditional frying pan.

In the lab.

Oh, there's no hiding places.
In the living room.

And I'm gonna go with
the frying pan in

the warmest room in the house,
the living room.

I'll go frying pan,
it's got a good swing on it,

and I'm going the living room
please, Alex.

I choose kitchen and cactus.

Can I ask you why?

I like being in the kitchen

and then I picked
the cactus instead of

the frying pan cos I wanted
to be unpredictable.

I'll go with the belt.

And I think I'm gonna go in,

uh, well, again,
if I'm being attacked,

I have to, uh,

you know really maim
whoever's attacking me.

I need to be like contained.
I'm gonna go in the caravan.


Good, so most people opting for
a frying pan in the living room.

Mm-hmm. But John Kearns being
the only person who seems

to think that this task
might involve, and I quote,

maiming someone.

I did think we'd be maiming someone
to be fair though.


Let's see if there's any
maiming involved.

OK, well first up we're gonna
start with

the lounge lizards,
it's Munya, Sarah and Dara.


What dangers await?

Oh, no.


This was a bad choice.

Alex, I've got a fear
of balloons popping.

I'm either supposed
to burst them all or not burst any,

so let's assume not burst
any till we get to it.


Oh, wow, there you go.
Pop 99 red balloons.

You must use your weapon
to pop your 99 red balloons.

Shout "Stop it" when you think

you've popped precisely
99 red balloons.

Fastest - fastest! - wins.

Your time starts now.

If I shout out the number,

will you do a
five-bar gate for me?

I'd like... Is that OK?
..I love doing five-bar gates.

I can see that about you.
Yeah, I did that when
I was in prison.


Oh no!

Oh, jeez.


There we go.

One, two, three.

Ah.. .

11, 12...

Do you want earplugs, Munya?
Huh? Do you want earplugs?

I can't hear you.

Oh, you made me lose count!

Am I 60? I think I'm 60?
Yes, I'm doing the gates.

I know there's exactly 99 in here.

85, 86, 87, 88, 80...

Come on! 88, 89, 90.

SHOUTING: Stop it!

That was full-on, Dara.

You're meant to do
something at the end.


Oh, stop it.

I've stopped the clock.
Thank you, Sarah.

Stop it.

I think I did really well.


Munya, when I was at school

there was always a kid at school,
when you played army,

was just playing it on
his own really.

He was playing like
the storming forces,

and the victims, so he's going...

That's you, Munya.

He's got a genuine balloon popping
phobia though, so he did... Yeah.

..surmount that for this challenge.

Have you really?
Yeah. I was like, do you know what,

this isn't just a task anymore,
this is personal development.

Yeah, and he burst all
the balloons in that room.

Did he? Yeah.

There were 99 though.
There were 111 in that room.


By stark contrast, Sarah,

you made a conscious
decision that you were

going to do this physical task
whilst not leaving

the comfort of the sofa.

The reason I chose the living room
was cos it was lovely and warm
and comfy,

I'm not gonna not sit on
the sofa for a bit of it.

It was absolutely joyous.

You looked like you were having
a lovely time.

Dara, I think,
took it a bit more seriously.

Oh, I went hell for leather.

Fuck those balloons.

At the very end,

there's a sill of you where you
look like

a Roman warrior who's just
come from the battle.

In a hundred years there's
gonna be a statue of that somewhere.

Oh, he was so quick,

he did it in three minutes 20

compared to five minutes two
for Sarah, not terribly slow,

but nine minutes 25 for Munya.


Unfortunately, Munya didn't do what
we asked him to do.

Can I show you
something else?

This doesn't sound good.

Come on. 88...

89, 90.

You were supposed to be
counting with me!

I, yeah... Traitor!

Yes. You did tell me to do
the five-bar gates and I did it,

and then that happened
and I didn't know what to do

and I panicked and
you didn't do it right.

Looks like, er...

we've found our victim.

OK, time to close
the curtains on part one.

Why not go onto social media

and pretend you're living your best
life instead of doing

a big trump through your
already compromised pyjamas.

See you back here soon.

Hello. Welcome back
to part two of Taskmaster.

I'm gonna hand straight over
now to my little assistant,

Little Alex Horne.

The current task involves
popping 99 balloons
in the fastest time

in the room of their choice
with the weapon of their choice.

Dara, Sarah and Munya did it in
the living room with a frying pan.

Only two people left,

it's Fern with a cactus in
the kitchen,

which is lovely to say,

and John in the caravan
with a belt. Yuck.

Here's how they got on.

The clock has started, Fern.

Well, I'll just get going then.


Good luck.

Oh, that's not gonna work, is it?

That was more powerful than
I thought.

I'll tell you how I'll count it,
by their little bums.

One, two, three,

four, five, six, seven...

Eight, nine. ten...

11, 12, 13, 14.

15, 16.

17, eight, eight, eight, eighteen...

96, 97, 98, 99.

Stop it.

Oh. 81...

Stop it. I've stopped the clock.

Fern, I think I've written this
down correctly.

You were holding
the balloons by their little bums.

The sort of anus part of
the balloon.

The bit we put our lips to?

Yeah, yeah.

You were trying
to count as you went along

but you went up, down,
you went all over the place.

So, yeah, you did,
unfortunately like Munya and Sarah,

burst way too many balloons. Oh.

John, I feel like with you
we changed genre

from Dara's epic film about
a Roman warrior

to just a horror film of a,

just an awful lunatic in a caravan.


There was one where a balloon,

rolled to the window
and you came into shot

and grabbed it and I found
myself muttering,

"That poor balloon."

What hope did it have?

What a contrast in the
two players as well,

cos they both said stop it
at the end,

but I think their two stop its

speak of
the two individuals concerned.

Here are the two stop its.

FLATLY: Stop it.


No doubt about where most of
the victims are gonna be.

Yeah. Now that was
a man who's been bursting

one balloon every one
and a half seconds.

Did he hit the target?

He hit the target as did Dara
so it's all about speed.

Dara, three minutes 20
to burst 99 balloons.

John, two minutes 29,

you get five points!


Just to summarise,
there's five points to John,

four to Dara, but unfortunately
zero to everyone else.

I'm so sorry, Sarah.

Can I see a scoreboard, please?

We have joint leaders on seven
points, it's Dara and John.

Poor old Munya.

Do you have a team task
waiting in the wings?

Oh, yes, I do, but shut up please.

Yo, yo. Oof.
Hello, Alex.

What does it smell of in here?
Yo, Sarah, can you smell that?

Smells a bit mad in here.
What's it smell of?

Is it a bit pumpy?

A bit pump... A bit farty.

It smells in here cos one
of the contestants did
something bad in here.

Hmm, I can tell.
Did a little pumpy.

No. We can't talk about it. No.
But you'll find out.

Oof, god damn.

God damn.

- Hello, Dara.
- Oh, Alex, hi.

Hello, Fern.

And hello, John.

Hi, Alex.

So we've got a feather
and we've got a pillow.

Get this feather into the bath.

You must not touch the feather

and the feather must not touch
the ground.

After the feather has left its
cushion it must not touch

a single thing for more than
five seconds in total.

It must not touch a single thing

for more than five seconds in total.

The cushion must not leave the lab.

If you make any mistake at all
Alex will blow his whistle

and you must start all over again.

Fastest wins.

Finally, you must not say any words
at any point from now on.

New to my vocabulary, pumpy.
Pumpy, yeah, me too.

Do you know pumpy?
No, I didn't but I do now.

We say pumping in Scotland.

Yeah, yeah,
I think it's northern and Scotland.

It has two meanings,

it means farts but it also
means shagging.

It means shagging and farting?

So if you said to a friend "What
did you get up to last night?"

And they went, "Hoo-hoo-hoo,
I had a pumpy night,"

it could be tragic or glorious.

Let's go.

OK, well let's start with
the team of three,

it's my mates Daz,
Joz and Fez, here we go.

Please put it back on the cushion
on the table please, John.

That was six seconds on there,

please put it back on the cushion.

I'm sorry but that
feather has been in the dustpan

more than five seconds.

Back we come.

Oh, hi, Fern. Where have your
teammates gone?

Here they come.

Ah, lots of plates.

Have you lost the feather, Fern?

That's a chicken.

It nearly has feathers.

Please go again.


You have got the feather in
the bath.

Let's talk about feather-loss-gate.

How you think you as a team coped
with the loss of the feather.

I think we coped really well,
there was a lot of resilience.

I don't know who lost it.

Was it, it might've been me.
Was it me?

Was it me?

It was one of us anyway.

It's mad. You could feel
Dara's anger radiating out of him.

I could feel it through
the screen, Dara.

I remember thinking I'd come up
with quite a good system,

the system of endless plates
and that kept us going.


It wasn't a system of endless
plates, there were 12 plates.

So grand!

That's when I introduced
the system of endless plates.

OK, break time, but before we go,

here's a video to solve the riddle

what waves
and wets the bed every night?

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Let's finish off the current team
task shall we, Alex?

It's a double thumbs up from me.

They're trying to get
a feather in the bath

but they can't touch it,
the feather can't touch the ground,

they have to take it in
turns moving it,

and nothing can hold it
for more than five seconds.

Also, they can't talk.

Peace at last.

Only the team of two left, it's...

With an action, Sarah,
why does it smell so bad in here?

What did you do?

Were you looking for
something, Munya?

Oh, a leaf blower.

Did you look in the shed?

It's probably in there.

Yeah, you go.

Ah. Bit of music.


He said build pipes leading
to bath, question mark.

It's on its way, is it?

Is it in the bath?

I've stopped the clock.

Well, it got there.

Did you enjoy Sarah finding
the leaf blower?

I was about to say it
was absolutely my highlight
of the whole attempt.

Look at her little face.

What I wrote down is,

anyone who thinks that
that leaf blower is

going to be good in this
task is mad.

I thought that it was gonna be
hovering around and,

you know, Sarah would be using
the guitar to direct it.

That's what the guitar was for,

for Sarah to just bat it in
the right direction?

Yes. I was chief wafter.

That's why I brought
the plates in cos I had

a similar idea to these guys

but then Munya came in with
the drain pipe

and an excited
expression on his face

and it's just like,
you know,

it's like having a bairn,
I imagine. Yeah.

Where you're just like,
look at his little face,

OK we'll play with the tubes.

So they did achieve the task.

They did achieve the task

but did they do it faster than these
three clowns?

Well, the three clowns

got the feather in the bath
in seven minutes 45.

Really? Yep.

What about the elaborate
pipe system?

Oh, 24 minutes and 25 seconds.

Hey, yours was more
impressive though.

24 minutes?

Oh, my god.

How did it take that long?!

If you hadn't brought in those
stupid plates,

we wouldn't have had this problem.

I'll give them two points
and I'll give the mighty team five.

Whoa, OK, so it's two points
to the team of two,

five points to the team of three.

What's next, Horne?

Oh, it's a bouncy-bouncy
fun location task.

Yo. What the hell.


This is enticing.

Make an exercise ball
touch Bernard.

Bernard can't move. Who's Bernard?

You may launch an exercise ball from
behind the line,

that line there,

and may not touch any balls after
each launch.

Most balls actively involved in
a successful launch wins.

Your task ends when a ball touches

or 15 minutes have elapsed.

I hope Bernard's
a puppy or something.

Your time starts...

Your time...


I don't know who Bernard is.
Who is Bernard?

Uh. Ah.

Oh, damn.

Oh, it's a, a pretend man.

Do I get one attempt
to release a ball?

As many as you want until you hit
Bernard or 15 minutes is up.

Whatever ball hits him

the more balls it's hit on
the way, the better.

So I can move all the balls

so that when I hit one ball
it da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da...


I'm not sure why I've
written this down

but I found Fern's description

of Bernard as a pretend
man fascinating.

Yes. It's what they put clothes on
in shops, innit, pretend men.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, course.

Get the assistant
to put some pretend men out

to display our clothes.

Anyway, I think it's clear what
we've got here. Hmm.

We've got a game of,

Bernard snooker,

and anyone who doesn't understand it
should just remember...



OK, we're gonna kick off with
Fern, Sarah and Dara.

We're gonna have the green as
the launch ball.

And I'm gonna move the rest down.

Surely you just wanna get all
the balls going

and hope for the best.

I think that's not a bad strategy.

I think if I line them all up

one of them's gonna
touch him, right?

Sounds good to me.

See the trick shot?

I'm genuinely really,
really excited about this.

He looks quite worse for wear.

What's happened
to him in other tasks?

Why won't this...

oh, it's cos it's nowhere
near the middle, idiot.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, come on.

Oop. Come on!


No, that didn't hit Bernard.

That didn't work.

Ooh, shit, shit.

Ooh, no!

Did you see that?

No, see that oh,
gone too far the other way.

Gone too far the other way.
Hit off that,

no, not...

oh, oh, oh, wait,

wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.


Take that, Bernard.

Got a chance.

Here it goes.

You've got two on the go.
This is it.


I did it!

Go on! Oh!


You've struck Bernard.

Thank you.

Increasingly I live to hear

the victory noises that
Dara O Briain makes,

during any of our tasks

but I think the snooker one's
my favourite so far.


Have you got some stats that you
wanna share?

Yeah, well you saw Sarah
involve five balls,

Dara eight balls, so they've
both got scores on the board.

Fern, I'm gonna ask you what
your strategy was here?

I'm gonna need you
to tell me what that task was

cos I don't know what that was.

Right, OK,
so there was no strategy.

It was entirely haphazard
what she did but she did it.

Fern did get points then.

Yeah, yeah she got four
balls involved,

it hit Bernard within
the 15 minutes. Everything's fine.


End of part three.

Not long until someone
increases their chances

of survival by owning Sarah
Millican's escape hammer.

See you soon.


Hello, you're joining us for
the final part of the show

and we're in the middle of
a task which involves gym balls.

I went to school with gym balls,

but that wasn't his real name,

it was his nickname
because he had massive testicles.

So, this task is like
a giant snooker trick shot,

they've got to try and hit Bernard
Mannequin with one of 15 balls,

launching just one
of them from behind the start line.

You can't touch the ball again
once it's been released

and the most balls actively
involved in

a successful launch wins.

Two people left
and their names are Munya and John.

OK, question.

Could you be a human shield?

You can place me somewhere. I don't
think I can be actively involved.

OK, I can place you
somewhere, yeah? Mm-hmm.

All right, then.

Can you lie there on your side like
you're spooning?

Like you're a big spoon.
Papa Spoon Alex.

All right.


Good, just stay like that.


Two minutes, John.


Look at that ball control.

Knock, knock, knock,
knock, knock.

Bang, bang.



John Virgo.

It really is just 40 seconds
now, John. Yep.

Good luck.

Thank you, John.

Here we go, here we go,
here we go.

OK, it's on its way.

That's a good throw. That is a
very good throw.

Right, Alex, get ready.

OK, release.


Look at all those hits. Yes.

It's the planning from me.

I grew up in the '70s where
we weren't allowed

to have self-confidence.

And I really enjoy watching
Munya always,

because he absolutely believes
in himself

and by stark contrast what
I wrote down for John was,



..how wrong I was.

Yeah. He only had one attempt.

He took 14 minutes 20
to set it up.

Honestly. When you
believe in a system,

you had to do it
within the quarter of an hour
and he did it, first time. Yeah.

He set it up and it worked
an absolute treat.

But Munya, as you saw,
15 balls.

He laid them all out,
it was wonderful.

Wanna see it one more time?
Yeah, I do. Incredible.

It's a good throw.
That's a very good throw.

Right, Alex, get ready.

OK, release.



What you don't know
can't hurt you.

Get your thing out!

Oh, no!

I don't know what
to believe anymore.

OK, what does that do to the scores?

Well, it means that John gets
the five points. Yeah.

Dara four,

Sarah three,
Fern two...

..and then Munya.

What are you gonna do to him, Greg?

Give him no points, that's what
I'm gonna do. No points!

But five points goes
to John Kearns.

OK, let's see a scoreboard
please, Alex.

OK, they're all on double
figures except

for Munya who's only
got three points.

John is in the lead with 17.

OK everyone,
please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

Who will read the final task?

Sarah Millican.



Blow an item
the furthest on The Knappett.

If your item falls from
The Knappett you are disqualified.

The person who blows something
the least far each round

is eliminated unless someone
is disqualified.

You must all select your blowers

and items for each round before any
blowing commences

and you must not use
the same blower or item twice.

Last player standing wins.

They each have a whiteboard,
so on the whiteboard

you need to write down
the four things you want to blow

and the four things you
wanna blow them with.

You've got five items to blow
and that is a beach ball,

an air ball, a golf ball,
a ping pong ball and a pea.

You have five items to blow with.

You've got some bellows, a recorder,

a whoopee cushion, a straw,

and just for you,
Sarah Millican,

a leaf blower.


All right, are we ready?
It's Dara first.

Oh, champion. Let's see
if he's still got it.

Ooh, that was lovely.


Fern, you're up next.



There we go. Well done, Fern.


Oh, shit.

Kearns is gone. Munya.

Oh, that's pea.
Lovely. That is pea.

Sarah Millican.

I'm trying to cover the air hole
so it doesn't...

It'd be awful if you choke on
a recorder.


Well done.

The peas have all made it through.
Kearns is out.

OK, round two.


Oh, he legislated for
the banks, I think.


Oh, shit!



Oh, yes, there's a...

Oh, that is actually all right.

Is it?

FERN: Is it though?
That's tilting to the side.

That tilts!

Sorry, Fern.

OK, Munya.

Do you want to just kick it
like you did the ball
the other time, do you?

Power of a thousand ancestors.

Maybe try
a few more ancestors.

Oh. It's off. It's off.

Oh. Oh, hello.

Right then, Sarah.

Sick of blowing on balls.

That's it. That's it.

And it's off.


Bye-bye. Bye-bye.


So Dara is the only one
left standing.

Come down let's see how that affects
the final scores.

The boy with points,
the boy with answers.

Yes, well Dara was
the last player standing

and I think we can see his final
puff one more time.

Ooh, lovely.


What was that thing you said
about the...

Well cos the ball obviously
went cos I'm blowing air at it.

I'm afraid, Dara, that all evidence
points to the fact

that you did make contact with
the ball, that's the end of it.

So because Dara has also
failed round two,

John gets one point,
everyone else gets five points.

Wow. Yes.
I really needed them.

John Kearns was in
the lead in this episode

but he came last in that task.

Oh, ahoy.

Yes, he's lost his sailor's hat.

Dara O Briain wins the episode
with 21 points. There it is!

Dara O Briain has won show seven.

Please race up to the stage
and collect your worthy prizes.

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if we're going
to survive as a species

we need to put all of our faith
in the younger generation,

and we can because of great
people like Greta Thunberg

and Malala inspiring
so many people around the globe.

And Munya Chawawa, of course,

who drives around
with one hand on the wheel

with a balance game in the other

and who cheated at
a bouncy ball gym task

with a pretend man called Bernard.

That's all for seven
but not all for tonight's winner,

of course, it's Dara O Briain.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media