Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 6 - Episode #14.6 - full transcript

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This programme contains strong
language and adult humour.

Hello. Good evening to you
and a warm welcome to

Taskmaster or, as my nan calls it,

"What, that silly thing you do
where you pretend you're cross

"because a comedian hasn't counted
some ducks properly or something?"

"Get lost, Nan,
you haven't even seen it!

"You've been dead for 15 years!

"You're such a chopsy nan.
Why can't you just say, 'Ooh!?'"

Have they not got
a ghost knitting club?!

Back in this dimension,
things are going well for some

and really badly for others.



Please welcome our earthly five

who are still alive - they are

Dara O Briain,

Fern Brady,

John Kearns,

Munya Chawawa

and Sarah Millican.

CHEERING

And next to me a man
who dots the I's

and crosses the T's, he wets
the bed, he likes to please,

he cries a lot, his winkle smells,

and he still shoplifts
to get attention.

It's horrible Alex Horne!

Hi.



Hi! Hi. How have you been since
the last show?

Terrific, thank you.
I've joined a cult.

Oh, have you?
Love it, love it. Love the cult.

Yeah. Just a small one,
just the three of us.

Me, my wife, Alan.

That's it, just the three of us
in Alan's vehicle.

Right, and what do you do in there?

Never you mind, Greg!

Right, then, on with
the show proper.

What's the old prize task then?

Hmm. Great question, Greg.

I'm on it, Papa GD,

and today you have asked them
to bring in the best thing

you've ever received in the post.

Ooh!

Hey, guys, remember post?

They shove stuff through
a hole in your door.

Greg here will give five points to
the person he thinks has brought in

the best thing they've received
in the post

and then at the end of the show
the overall winner will take home

all five things
to start a new life in a new home.

It's very post- uh, modern.

LAUGHTER

Munya!

So I have bought in
the Suckertron 3000.

Here it is. This isn't the official
name, so don't Google it cos I,

I don't know what's gonna come up.

Greg, have you ever been sat there
on your laptop devouring a bag

of crisps and you look down
at the keyboard

and there's enough crumbs
to feed a small family? Yeah.

That ever happen to you?
Of course it has.

OK, now. Have a look!

This thing here sucks those crumbs.

Although I have googled
Suckertron 3000.

Yeah? Ooh!

God!

It comes up some...

That looks like it smells!

Sarah, can you beat a mini vacuum?

So, from the age of about ten or 12,
I've loved Phillip Schofield

and I had a lot of posters of him

and I took a photo of myself,
of me in my bedroom,

with my perm and all of my posters
of Phillip Schofield

and I sent it to him,
presumably for him to keep.

He sent it back.

This came through
the post to Sarah.

Aww!

Whoa.

Shit's weird.

Look how pleased I am!

He's not on the, uh,
crucifix, is he?

LAUGHTER

A true fan!

It's sort of so on
the line between being quite sweet

and being terrifying.

This is very strong so far.

So far. Who's next? Fern.

I don't know if this is the best
thing or the worst thing

but for years now my mum
has been sending me

the most unbelievably ugly pants,
uh, that I've ever seen.

Here are Fern's mum's pants.

My mum I believe was sending me
these as some sort

of ch-chastity belt type thing.

Uh, and was there a note with them?

Uh, just, "This is
a little present for you."

"Love, Mum."

Yeah.

John can you beat some, erm,
special pants?

I've gone down the same route
Sarah has.

OK. Nostalgia.

Yeah. My, uh,
Dennis the Menace Fan Club

membership and badges.

Here it is.
Sweet.

I'm surprised, John,

because I was a member
of that as well.

But surely there's
a significant gulf in our ages.

Yeah, two generations I had down.
All right!

You know if you met a,
uh, another member...

Which you just have.

..Yeah, so I say, "Ding," you say...

Dong!

Dong stood for Dennis
Owns Naughty Gnasher.

Can't, I can't remember what Ding
stood for!

"Dennis Is Never Good,"
is the ding one. Ah.

Yeah. That's really sweet, John,

and very clever cos you've tapped
into my childhood as well.

Um, Dara.

I brought a thing that shouldn't be
sent in the post,

uh, which is an entire turkey.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

Wow!

My mother's cousins lived in
County Mayo, they had a farm,

uh, and every Christmas
they would send us

the turkey we ate at Christmas.

This was full turkey,

head squeezed in, box
just wrapped around it,

misshapen. You'd pop it up, like,
whatever, "Bwark!"

Uh, and it would appear.

Proper pre-butcher turkey
in the post.

And we had to collect it
from the post depot

every year round about mid-December.

Yeah, someone's gonna win
that tonight.

It's best thing
to receive through the post, Greg.

What's the worst thing
to receive through the post?

I mean probably the worst thing
to receive,

and I think she'd agree
with me, is Fern's mum's pants.

Don't, but don't keep saying "Mum's
pants" cos she might be upset

when this goes out!

You're only getting one point
and she's gonna be angry anyway.

What?! I'm only getting one?
It's the best thing.

Oh, yeah. I see.
The competition was the best thing.

Yeah, yeah.
Right so one point to Fern Brady.

I mean in many ways it's the thing
that makes my heart sing the most.

But I also think it's awful
to get a turkey through the post.

It's not the best thing.

It was at Christmas.
I'm not suggesting for a second

that your Christmases
weren't heartbreaking, Dara.

OK, so two points to Dara O Briain.

He tapped into my childhood.

We crossed the generations like
the true Ding-Dongers we are.

I'll give him three points.
OK, three points to John Kearns.

Yeah, yeah. Well done. So, it's the
top two now. Munya or Sarah.

Let me tell you - my keyboard
looks like a war zone.

But I'm only gonna give it
four points. Oh.

Obviously the best thing
to get through the post is

a picture of Sarah Millican
surrounded by Philip Schofields.

Everyone knows that.
There it is, five points.

Five points. Well done,
Sarah Millican.

What's first, please?

Mmm-mmm...mmmilk!

Hello.
Hello, Munya.

Oh. I love milk!

Microwaves on plinths.

Milk on microwaves.

Oh, what we having for tea?

Bread.

Peas.

Yes, there's five minutes
to go on that.

And there is just a minute

to go on what appears
to be just bread.

Is this just your lunch?
There's a lot of peas

for one person.
I would worry about your guts.

Do you like peas?

Erm, I don't like milky peas.

And there's a little bowl
there as well. Yeah.

So stuff's gotta get mixed.
Stuff's gotta get mixed.

Shall I open my task?

I wouldn't open it yet.

OK. Mm-hm.

I wouldn't open it yet.

I wouldn't open it yet
if I were you. No?

I wouldn't open it just yet.

Why? I'm just saying
I wouldn't open it yet.

I should open this because, you
know, this thing's counting down.

Yeah. And you just said, "Well, I
wouldn't if I were you," kind of...

I wouldn't if I were you. But that's
the kind of thing where it'll get

to two minutes and you go,
"Why didn't you open it?" Mm-hm.

So I'm not allowed
to look at this yet?

You're allowed to look at that
whenever you want.

You said no, though.
You're allowed to.

I just said
I wouldn't if I were you.

Why? I know what's in it.

Let me ask you, er, Sarah,
uh, all of you,

how does it make you feel when
Alex does something like that?

What emotional response?

No, no, I'm, I'm sorry are we doing
therapy now? Uh...

Just wondering how it makes you feel
about Alex, that's all.

I feel powerless. Uh, I feel...

SARAH HONKS WITH LAUGHTER

Come on, milky peas.

Ooh, I've got a nickname.

Well, we're gonna begin by standing
firm with John and Fern.

Well, when do I open it?

Whenever you want.

Wouldn't open it yet if I were you.
Yeah, but you're not me.

What's your name? John.

Star sign? Kearns.

Really? What did you ask me?

Star sign.

Oh! Well,
people usually go "First name...

Right.

..then they go, "last name".

Right. Aries.

Hmm.

28 minutes.

Place of birth?

St Thomas' Hospital.

Are you opening it?
Do you want me to open it?

I wouldn't open it.
But why are you saying that?!

What's your star sign?

Gemini.

How high can you jump?

Ooh.

A foot?

PING!

Ah, bread's ready.

What's with all the questions?

Who's your favourite singer, John?
Uh, Rufus Wainwright.

Yuk.

Ah.

Got more questions if you
want them. Yeah, go on, then.

Phobias? No, nothing.

Biggest regret?
I'm not gonna say

I live my life without regrets
but I tend not to dwell on them.

Just give me a regret.

I don't really have any
but I'm not one of these kind

of people that doesn't
have regrets.

So you do have regrets.
I've got regrets, yeah.

Right, what's your biggest one?

Fuck this. You been to Greece?
No, no, you're mad. Huh?

Have you been to Greece?
No. All right.

Within 30 seconds
of opening this task...

You must pick up both milk bottles

and hold them directly above
the microwaves.

The clock stops when
a milk bottle, hand...

Or arm...
BOTH: Touches the microwave.

Or is no longer directly
above a microwave.

Lowest number on the clock wins

but if the clock reaches zero
you're disqualified.

I'm a strong boy.

I'm not joking. I've had
a shoulder injury recently that,

er, and I cannae... Mm.

You can put...there we go.
Thank you.

Few regrets now. Mm-hm.

Well, I tried to warn you.

Um...

It's just struck the microwave
there so I'll stop the clock.

That's why I didn't want you
to open the task.

Why?

Well, so the clock
would go down more.

Oh, so it's OK, so I'm...
Someone might do worse.

Yeah, someone might do worse.
OK. OK, bye!

I quote John during
the actual task - "Fuck this!"

Cos he kept asking me
my biggest regret.

You don't have regrets.

Although you're not someone
who DOESN'T have regrets.

I've got regrets,
we've all got regrets.

We've all got regrets.
But I don't live with them.

So where are they?

Oh, they're up there.

But I don't go there.

You shut the door. Oh,
they're high, they're top shelf.

They're top shelf.
You can't reach them.

Oh, they're too...
You can't get to them!

Uh... I, I can't get to my regrets!

Fern, enjoy that task?

No, like, I did have
a shoulder injury.

How'd you injure your shoulder?

I went to the gym

and then I was trying to compete
with the man next to me.

Do you regret the whole thing
down the gym or not?

Yeah, uh, I, I do really regret it!

It really messed me up for ages

and then meant I messed up
that task.

Well, maybe take that regret
and pop it in John's mind shelf!

All right, it's the end of part one.

We're gonna have
a break while you have

a conversation about doing
an online food shop.

You used to make love,
so make love, now!

He'll time you!
Go!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, again! welcome back
to Taskmaster.

It's part two and there's
a lab-based task in play.

Yes, and it's a fiendish one.

Next up it's Dairy Dara,

Sarah Milkycan and
Milkman Munya. here we go.

What's your star sign?

Uh... Aquarius.

I've got more questions.
I bet you do.

What's your name? Sarah.

Sarah...? Millican.

How high can you jump, or what's
the highest you've ever jumped?

Just little.
Like, the size of a mouse.

What's your name?

no, I'm not playing.
Let, let me, let me check this.

Within 30 seconds
of opening this task you must...

"Pick up both milk bottles and hold
them directly above the microwaves."

Any opinions on milk?

Gives me the shits.

How much do you need to have?

I wouldn't want THAT amount.

That's six pints.

Might as well just pour it straight
through. Um...

Well, Jesus, "but as the clock
reaches zero you are disqualified."

Oh, well, you've...

Wait, what?

Hang on, what? Wait. Wait, what?

Lift them above the microwaves,
ready?

Right, OK.

BREATHES DEEPLY

MICROWAVE DINGS
Yes.

Well done. You see that? Yeah.

Gotta keep my biceps contracted.

Like a constipated eagle.

MICROWAVE DINGS
Oh.

It's exciting, isn't it, even
after all these years?

Isn't it exciting
when a microwave pings?

Wait, what, what, what clock?

Have I, have I stopped?
Yeah, you stopped.

Yeah, you put the milk bottles on
the microwave. Oh, no!

Arse.

Oh, you know what?
We're gonna do it.

Uh, hold them up.

Ooh, I need to lift them up like
that. This is heavy.

Yeah.

Shoulders are starting
to hurt a bit.

Could technically raise my arms.

Yes, you must be over the,
directly over the microwaves still.

I don't know if this is more
difficult or easier.

It's impressive.

Ah.

How long have I been doing this?

Three minutes.

At no point did you say they had
to be full though, did you?

Take that off.
Right.

Yeah.

Yeah, I was tempted to
throw it on you.

AUDIENCE WHOOPS, APPLAUSE

Sorry, everybody.

Ah, like a milky torture.

Ooh.

That's it,
milk just got the microwave.

Yeah.

Well, now that's just touched there
I'm afraid. Oh, has it?

Yeah, so that's enough.

Oh, no. Look at my boots.

No, look at the floor, Sarah.

Oh, I should've tipped them
out before.

I could've brought that to you.

Sorry, everybody.

APPLAUSE

To drain the milky vessels.

Mm. Very clever. Very clever.

I felt, I didn't wanna make a mess

and I felt really bad
I made such a mess.

Throughout the series whenever,

when Munya, when you came into the
lab, every time he went,

"It stinks in here". Oh.

Throughout the series. That's her.

Uh, and if you,

if you think that's bad you should
go round to Dara's at Christmas.

So they cleaned and there was a
pocket they couldn't find

cos it still stank and then
eventually it was found.

It...it was under the flooring.

Millican's milky pocket.

Now stark contrast,

get a bit confused, old man?

That has haunted me, that task.

And it is on a low rung of
the regret shelves. Uh...

Oh, one you can easily access.

Oh, it's eye level.
It is absolutely eye level.

But much like on a summer's day if
you wandering through a meadow

and you might just catch
a beautiful butterfly.

We've caught the moment
where Dara realised

that he's totally fucked this.

Wait, what?

Hang on, what? Wait.

Wait, what?

Yes.

So it's "wait, what?" Yes. "What?
Wait. Wait, what?" "Wait, what?"

Uh, yeah.

Munya does everything
with absolute commitment.

It's incredible.

I imagine you clean your teeth like
let's do, let's do this.

In my mind I felt like
Moses and the Red Sea.

Know what I mean,
just holding the milk.

Fricking, the microwave is blowing
that's Jesus whispering to me.

Honestly it, it, I had a vision.

Well, yeah, I mean, Sarah did it
well in every single way.

She, she delayed the most with
the questions

and then she found a technique
so she did well.

Lowest number wins.
Dara, unfortunately, comes last.

26 minutes 55.

Fern gets two points
with 26 minutes and four seconds.

Then Munya who held them up for over
four minutes, which is amazing.

They're, each one is the weight of
a chihuahua, genuinely.

Uh, 25 minutes and four seconds.

John held out longer than
you, though.

23 minutes and 30 seconds.
Sarah wins it, though,

with 16 minutes and 58 seconds
and five points.

Wow.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Right, scoreboard, please.

Well, I can tell you Dara
and Fern are in joint last,

John and Munya in joint second.

Sarah, though, is in the lead
with ten points.

Well, I, for one, am ready
for another.

Oh, well, I'm ready for a holiday.

Hello. What's on your iPad?

Oh, Fern Brady.

Is that you?

Uh, that's me, yeah.

Dara O Briain?

Yes, that's me.

I'm waiting for Munya Chawawa.

Yes, that's me, you even spelt my
name right. Sick.

Hello. Welcome home.
Is this your suitcase?

No, that's your suitcase.

Oh, no.

Where are we off to today?

"Get to the end of the lanes in
exactly the same amount of time."

One lane, two lanes.

"That time must be
under one minute."

"Closest two times wins."

"Also, you must mirror yourself
during your attempts."

"There are two bonus points for
the most stylish mirroring."

Mirroring.

Mirror-ing.

"Both attempts must take place
within the next ten minutes."

This is lane one, there... Yeah.

..on the flat. Yeah.

This is lane two, it's a travelator.
Yeah.

And you wanna reach to the ends of
them at exactly the same time.

I can tell you, if you were
stationary on that... Yes.

..takes about one minute 25.

The time I do it in must be
under a minute,

so I cannot be stationary on it.

Hmm, sneaky, sneaky, sneaky.

Well, there's no, there's no point
going quick on here

because that'll mean I have
to go double quick there.

Can you go double quick?

Greg will give style points to
the most stylish people.

From Greg?

Style points from Greg.

APPLAUSE

Right, it's a pretty
straightforward thing.

just a personal note, I
absolutely love those things.

I genuinely could ride one
of those all day.

It's not that interesting,
but I'm, I'm never more at peace.

Shall I show them what they did?

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, have a look at them, yeah.

First up it's Sarah and Sarah.

Good luck.
Thank you.

Good luck. Thank you.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Well, it was very accurate.

Thank you.
It says do it stylishly.

I had a nice coat on.

She had a nice coat.

APPLAUSE

Who's next?
Next, here's what the Daras did.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

Quite a 70's Soviet vibe you
went for.

Really wasn't that image that
was in my head for that.

Uh, that was applied
retrospectively. Uh...

LAUGHS

Now it's time for Kearns' turn.

APPLAUSE

I mean, pretty impressive, John.

I don't think you'd expect me
to skip like that.

C...correct.

That's quite Willy Wonka vibe you
had going on, I thought.

Yeah, I'm, I'm faster than I look.

I'll make a note,
I'll make a note. Yeah.

You make a note.
"John is faster than he looks."

Oh, well, I'll have to go into
notes.

We're at the halfway point
of this episode.

We've reached the top of the hill.
It's all downhill from here.

Whee!

Uh...

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Hello, everybody,
and welcome back to Taskmaster.

Can you remind us where we were
please, Alex?

Yes, we were at Gatwick airport,
Greg.

The current task involves having two
walks down two different lanes

and trying to get to
the finish line at the same time,

mirroring your movement on
each attempt.

The only problem is one of the walks
is on a moving travelator.

Also,there are two bonus points for

the most stylish mirroring,
mirroring, mirror-ing.

Talking of mirrors and styling,
here is Munya.

Right, here we go, here we go.

So one, two, three, turn.

Wow.

15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21.

Oh. 22.

Spin that round.

Drop it low.

Ah...

Ah.

What do you think?

Have you finished?

Yeah, yeah.

Quite a thing of beauty to watch, I
thought. I was in awe. Yeah.

Dara. Um, did he ever
cross the line?

Oh, we're like that, is it?

Oh, Dara, is this the man who held
milk for a microsecond?

Microsecond.

Talking to me Mr Wait What
Who What What What.

And you all had
a big fucking party about that.

Hold me back, John,
hold me back, hold me back.

It would seem monstrous
to strip him of his points,

but I guess if that's
what Dara wants.

Would you count that as the end of
the walk, Greg,

I suppose is the question?

Yeah, that's, that's the big
question, isn't it?

I think enough of that case is over
the line, that's what I think.

Yeah... Yeah, Dara.

Who's left?

Well, finally it's Fern.

Ready...

Ready.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Sounds like you're a people's
champion anyway.

You talk us through
your performance, uh, Fern I, uh...

From my point of view,
I've written down,

uh, "lacklustre and
wildly inaccurate".

SOBBBING: I...I tried really hard.

I feel like I don't know what's
real any more because...

..because, because at the time,

I kind of thought that there
was some airport staff

and they were looking at me funny.

But I thought, "Oh, they're just
really jealous of my costume".

I didn't know it was that bad.

Unfortunately, Fern, on one side of

the path she did it in 29 seconds,

the other in 45 seconds, so there
was a 16-second difference.

In comparison, the two Daras had
a four-second difference,

the two Munyas a three-second
difference,

the two Johns half
a second difference.

Sarah negligible difference at all.

Wow. So Sarah definitely gets
the five points.

Oh.

Between Munya
and John for the style points.

It's most stylish mirroring.

I think one style point is fair.

One bonus style point to Munya
and one to John.

OK.

I'd like another little task,
please.

Good, well, here's
a lovely little task

where they wear some lovely
little messy hats.

Hello.
Oh, hi there.

Chri...

Hello, Dara.

FERN: Hello, do you like this?

I think so.

And, actually, before you open
it, I just need to do something.

Wait one second.

What you doing?

Nothing.
What you doing? Nothing.

What you doing? Nothing.
Oh, no.

Here it comes.

DARA: What are you doing?
FERN: What are you doing?

PAINT SQUIRTS
Nothing.MUNYA:That's just rude.

You're really pushing me today,
Alex, you know this?

Did you just pour paint in my hat?

Yes.

Oh.

May I ask what you're doing?

No. Oh, right.

Thanks, buddy.

You haven't made me... Wow.

Yeah.

DARA: "Strike the bullseye
with your paint."

SARAH: The bullseye must be round
there, then. OK.

MUNYA: "You must only step on
the stepping stones

"and you must step on all
the stepping stones."

You're, wait, what? No. Oh, Jesus.

"Also, your hands must be below
your waist at all times."

"Fastest wins.
Your time starts now."

APPLAUSE

Interesting, um, reaction from
Dara after he'd spilt

a little paint down his front
when he was trying

to get his head 'round the task.
Oh, do you wanna hear it? Yeah.

You're, wait, what? No.

LAUGHTER

Good, let's go. Yeah, so you've
gotta hit the target with your
paint.

You can only step on
the stepping stones.

You must step on all
the stepping stones.

Hands below the waist, off we go.
First up it's Mun and Fun.

Munya and Fern.

Your time starts now.

OK, Alex, can you talk
whilst I walk, yeah?

I think so.

What the hell? Alex. Yes?

Shit. OK, I need to go back.
I need to get some more. Ah, sh...

You've put paint on the flag.

Oh...

Oh, no.

Right, we're back in this.

Argh!

Is there paint in my hair?

Would you like a shower cap? Yeah.
Yeah.

Right, I'm in.

This is something I learnt...
being a shot girl at uni.

I've done it!
Yeah, I've stopped the clock.

I don't think of the other people
I'm competing against often enough

so I'm thinking of them now,
trying to think how I hate them.

Be careful on this bit.

Oops. Did you see that?

No.

Fuck's sake!

Ugh.

No, it's a bit further than that.

You're nearly there.

Ugh.

APPLAUSE

A bigger contrast between
the two approaches

you couldn't possibly see.

No, I was trying very hard
during that one,

but I'm not all, like,
Munya, leaping about and stuff.

No, I wrote down, "Munya is
an unnecessary action hero."

LAUGHTER

He does action hero moves when he
could just step over something.

When I was at uni, I used to be in
an American football team. Yeah?

And our motto was
"speed and violence",

so basically what that means is
everything you do in life,

speed and violence.

What about, like, knitting?

Speed and violence!

I have a motto, er...

Oh, yeah.

It's in Latin, it's, er,
"waitus, whatus?"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Hmm, I mean, Munya was breathtaking
to watch.

There was a tiny little speck
of paint in the bull's-eye.

He did it in 1 minute 30.
It was unbelievably quick.

Yeah, but I thought that Fern was
breathtaking to watch as well.

Yes, yes.

What did she do it in?

Uh, five-and-a-half minutes.

Come on let's crack on.

All right, well there's two more
people now

and I've fudged their names together
to make Sarah MilliKearns.

Sarah and John.

So hands below your waist.

Hands. Can that not do for balance?

Yeah, that's perfect.
That's a bit unfair.

Did you wanna check the task? Yeah.

Well, you can only step on
stepping stones.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, no.

Oh, you're kidding me!

Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, I knew it.

Ooh, bugger.

I mean, I've gone from there
to there!

I mean, it's madness,
how far I've gone.

Hold on.

Ah, you're reversing.

Right, you've just got to stretch,
ain't you?

Ah, well done, John.

Yeah.

How high is my camera?

Oh, I've got paint on my..!

You're through. Oh.

Ah...

HE EXHALES

Right.

Bull's-eye.

Is there one on the bull's-eye?

Yeah. Yeah.

Whoa. Yeah.

The contrast with John
was sensational.

It's literally like watching
an alien pretend to be human.

Significantly worse than Fern.

Yes, eight minutes
and three seconds.

Eight minutes?

Eight minutes and three seconds,
yes. Christ, what was I doing?

Fern's now looking pretty good,

especially because we can see
a picture of Sarah's hands,

er, just slightly above her waist.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah, fair enough,
they are a little bit...

I had very high-waisted
trousers on there.

And sadly I do have to show you this
photo as well, Greg, this one here.

Yeah.

I do have to show you one other
thing as well, which is this.

Oh, no.

Step on all the stepping stones.

Yeah.

Got to speed this up.

Shall I go in here?

All the information's
on the task, Munya.

You must step on all
the stepping stones.

You're labouring that a bit.

You put paint on the flag.

Yeah, OK.

I need this.

Right, OK.

Right, we're back in this.

We're back in.

APPLAUSE

They're dropping like flies!

I tried to warn them.
I tried to help.

Just sounded like you were
being really monotonous.

And I just sort of tuned you out.

Sorry, Alex. "All of them, please,
all of them, please."

It's like a bored bloke
operating a funfair ride.

It's the end of part three

and we're another step closer
to someone being poisoned

by Dara O Briain's raw turkey.

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to Taskmaster.

It's part four of four.

Yes, and there are four losers over
there who failed in obeying

the simple instructions to step on
all the stepping stones.

Hands below their waists before
striking the target with the paint.

It's such a shame.

Thankfully, there is still one ray
of hope,

but his name isn't Ray O Hope -
it's Dara O Briain.

Ray O Hope!

Only stepping stones.

OK.

Lovely.

Wait, what?

Jesus.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right, that should
be enough for now.

Ah, right.

Oh, bull's-eye!

I've stopped the clock.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's got to make up for some of
the

other things in this episode,
hasn't it?

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?" aside, exemplary work.

Thank you. How are you
feeling now, though?

Ah, there's this
faint chink of light.

Er... I'm just waiting for the shoe
to drop.

Waiting for you to go, "But then..."

Come on, stop waiting for
the shoe to drop.

No, it was great.
Yeah, it was great.

Do you wanna see his best bits
cos he was so graceful?

Oh, yeah, that'd be nice.

OK. Here's Dara's best bits. Yeah.

How much paint do I have now?

Shoe.

That seems a little harsh.

I think it's awful, Dara.

It's an awful way to end,
but that's Taskmaster.

Mm-hm. He would've been quick.
4 minutes 45. I mean, not...

Oh, it's quick as well.

Yeah, not as quick as Munya,
of course, 1 minute 30,

but nobody completed the task.

So nobody gets a point.

GROANING

Is there any point in looking
at the scores after that?

Probably not, but let's do it
anyway.

She's in the lead with
15 points, it's Sarah Millican.

Hey!

APPLAUSE

OK, everyone, before you head
up to the stage, Alex has

a very important question for you.

Yes, I do.

I'll start with you, Dara.
Inches or feet?

Inches.

Fern, inches or feet?

Feet.

John. Feet.

Munya. Feet.

And then, finally, Sarah Millican.

Inches. Thank you.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Good. Please make your way to the
stage

for the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

They got what they wanted.

I don't know what's more
heartbreaking, short or long.

Who's going to read the task, Alex?

John is going to read the task.

All right, John.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

"Paint a picture of a unicorn
using your head brush.

"You may not handle your
head brush at any point.

"You have two minutes."

That's it - paint a
picture of a unicorn.

Would you like them to paint
a specific unicorn?

I'd like him to be prancing.

You have two minutes starting...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE: Five, four, three, two,
one!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, please step back on
your circles.

Show me them prancers.

We're going to start
with Dara O Briain.

The short brush has got to be
an advantage, surely?

Is it, though? Is it?

Oh...

Oh!

APPLAUSE

That is one jaunty prancer.

Hello, Fern. Hello.

Here we go!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Which end's which?

Well! Well, it's got a horn coming
out with some green

and different colours and...
Oh, yeah.

What I see is two fences,
a big orange and a pepper.

Hello, John. Hi, hi.

Going to regret this?

Yeah, cool.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know where the horn is, though,
at least.

I know where the big red line is.

It's next to the four green lines.

Not bad, not bad.

APPLAUSE

"Not bad"?
It looks like a long-legged lobster.

But at least it looks
like a creature.

And, finally, hello, Sarah. Hi.

Oh.

Oh.

APPLAUSE

Lovely.

I tried to show movement,
but that just ended up as flowers.

It looks like Troy's horse.

It's a powerful beast. Thanks.

Oh! So you lot chose inches.

Greg, you need to
judge these right now.

OK, well, I'm giving John Kearns

one point because he's done
a series of lines.

One point to John.

I'm giving two points to a
woman who's drawn two fences,

a pepper and an orange. Fern Brady.

I'm giving three points to
the long-legged lobster.

Congratulations, Munya.

I'm giving four points to the
majestic horse of Troy, being as it

is standing in twilight, waiting,

but there's only one unicorn
prancing in that row.

Bam - Dara O Briain takes
the five points. Well done, Dara.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down, let's see how that's
affected the final scores.

Well, well, well. Exactly.

Yeah. Yeah, I think we've
learnt a lot there.

Oh, God, we have.

Much easier to have a
six-inch paintbrush

than a six foot paintbrush.

Strapped to your head. Yeah. Yeah.

And I guess that's why that's
what size they normally are.

LAUGHTER

Well, it has been a...

..a one-unicorn race.

With 19 points, the winner is
Sarah Millican!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Sarah wins!
Please pop up to pocket your post.

Bye, everyone.

Before we go, please cheer one more
time for today's winner,

Sarah Millican!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media