Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 5 - Episode #14.5 - full transcript

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SHE GROANS

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

HE GRUNTS

SHE GASPS

VARIOUS GASPS

Shut up!

Oh, be care... Oh.

ALEX GROWLS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies,
and I'm just your average guy.



I like fast cars, good wine,

and the feel of a strong mountain
wind howling through my legs

as I look across my kingdom,
hands on hips,

naked as the day I was born.

Naked as my creator intended.

Fully naked.

It's within this kingdom
that five disparate souls

have been doing battle.

Their task completing ability
so far has ranged from "Good"

to "Are you all right? Seriously?

"Do you need to call someone?"

Let's open a new chapter,
but before we do...

Still thinking about me naked on
the mountain, aren't you?

Me too. Hot sauce.



Please welcome Dara O Briain...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Fern Brady...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..John Kearns...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Munya Chawawa...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me, a man who confided
in me recently that he thinks

all primary school teachers
are the scum of the Earth.

HIGH VOICE: It's Little Alex Horne.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Not all. Not all.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Greg.
Hi, mate.

Oh, I'm feeling so wistful.

What's happening? I was just sort
of thinking back.

I was trying to remember
my first memory.

I was trying to think,
"What's my first memory?"

And I think... It's weird.

I think it's the first time
I tasted ham.

I was in a restaurant,
or somewhere like that,

with my wife, and, er...

2008. It was wafer thin ham.
Have you had wafer thin ham?

Yep.
I think that's my first memory.

So I thought I'd say that.

OK. And the punch line?

Do you want some euros?
You can have some euros?

There's 50 euros.

Right, let's get on with
the prize task, shall we?

Today you've asked them all
to bring in

the most useless thing that you've
bought that cost over £20.

Hmm! Oh! And, yes, the item
Greg Davies thinks is

the most useless will get its owner
five satisfying points.

Then at the end of the show, the
overall winner will take home

over £100 worth of prizes.
Whoa, mama!

Good. Good. Right, Fern?

I have brought a harness
and leash for my cat.

Here is Fern's cat harness.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

A genuine thing.

We all went "Aw," but I think we
were doing that at the pretend cat,

not at the fairly S&M-looking
cat leash.

My gym membership
hadn't really worked out,

so I had this notion that

the cat was going to do all these
outdoors things with me.

I think we've got video footage.

Yes, yes. Oh, my God. This is the
cat wearing the harness.

Time for your walk. Come on.

I cannot believe I thought this was
a good idea.

Oh, my God!

It's pretty useless.

That was £70, by the way.

Jesus Christ.

Dara?

I, it turns out,
purchased a worm trumpet.

Yeah, this is Dara's worm trumpet.

There you go.

You're supposed to lie in the ground
and put your ear to it,

and you can hear the worms move
in the ground below.

Wow.

And actually, if you do listen
to it, you don't hear a lot.

And even if you do, it's worms.

It's not like it's opening
a magical door into a...

They're not tap-dancing down there,
are they? No.

So far, so strong, I've got to say.
So far, so far.

Yeah, but great news.
John next.

John's here.

Erm, so it's a...

..a streaker for Subbuteo.

Yes, it is, and here it is.

You bought it?

Yeah, I bought that, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

I love that.

Wow.

It's useless,
cos I don't own any Subbuteo.

This is one of John's strongest
things he's done on the show so far.

Munya, what have you brought in?

I have brought in
a golden snitch fidget spinner.

Wow. So I have to say this is not
actually linked to Harry Potter.

It cost me 15 quid.

I brought it in because it's got
more emotional significance

than it does use, cos I had a very
strict Zimbabwean Christian dad.

Growing up, I wasn't allowed
to watch Harry Potter,

so this isn't just an object,
it's an act of rebellion.

Wow. Great story.
Yeah.

Shame it only cost 15 quid,
and subsequently fails.

Were you secretly into
Harry Potter, then?

Yeah, massively, like all the other
guys at school were watching porn,

and I was watching
The Chamber Of Secrets.

Did you have to sneak off
and watch it somewhere?

Yeah, I had to watch it under the
covers. I had to make a little tent.

He had to make a Harry Potter tent.

Shall we pretend it cost £21?

Yeah, give it to him.
OK.

In fact, I'll ask him.
OK.

Hey, Munya, how much was it?

£21.

Sarah?

I decided to try and
make vegetables more fun

to stop me eating
so many sweets,

so I bought a mandoline.

The reason it's useless
is because I used it once

and I genuinely threw away
something called a finger protector.

LAUGHTER

And I shouted to my husband,
"Look, look, look, it's going well,"

and I had a courgette,
and it was going well,

and then it went down too quickly
and took the top of me finger off.

Let's have a look at
the murderous object.

OK, here is the mandoline.

There we go.

So I took it in
in a bag of ice into A&E,

and it was perched on
a slice of courgette,

and the nurse held it up,
and he went,

"What were you having
for your tea?"

I think it's quite useful
if you use it properly

and you don't take your digit off.

Well, I was trying to lose weight,

and I did manage to lose
a little bit, so...

The woman took the end of
her finger off,

so let's give her more than one.

Right.
So we'll start with two points.

So, Sarah, you get two points.

Joint three points
to Fern and Munya.

OK, they're joint third. Good.
Yes.

Incredibly, I'm going to put
the worm trumpet in second place.

Four to Dara, and for five,

it is just mystifying why the man
would buy the streaker.

Five to John Kearns. There we go,
five points to John Kearns.

APPLAUSE

Do you have a task ready, Alex?
Yes, I do,

and in some ways, this was
a rubbish shoot for everybody.

Oooh!

Hi, Fern.
Hiya.

Hello, Munya. Alex,
let me tell you this right now -

got a good feeling about this.

HE IMITATES SOUND OF BONGOS

SHE CACKLES

"Get the most pleasure..."

.."pleasure."

"..pleasure from all
of these rubber chutes."

"You have 30 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

So, first thoughts -
just a massive slide.

Slide.

I wish they were bigger,
cos I'd just make a slide.

LAUGHTER

Well, I would just go inside.

And then what would you do?

Er, have a sleep.

LAUGHTER

Are they percussive?

DULL CLANGS

I'm going to need five little
chocolates. Five little choccies.

FERN: Oh!

CHAINS RATTLE

FERN CRIES OUT

Are you having pleasure?

Oh, I can see a little green fly.

Yep, right, OK.

Fern, is fair to say that
a lot of our tasks

are getting in the way of
you having a nice sleep?

Ah, now,
it's for a very good reason.

I was so excited about coming in
to do the task days

that I didn't sleep,
which then meant I was tired

and couldn't do my tasks very well.

Every day when you came in,

I would say,
"I've been too excited again."

Yeah!

Well, I've written down what my
perception of what we're about

to see is. I think we're getting
three slides, one with choccies,

and a big Irishman
playing a giant glockenspiel.

OK, we're going to start
with two very physical men,

Munya and Dara.

What are you doing with that, Munya?

I am giving myself maximum pleasure.

There we go.
Suits him.

Yeah, got to give it to the man
sometimes. Give him one of these.

Go on.

I don't want to.

You know those machines in baseball
that whack the thing at you?

You're kind of like
a human version of that,

and there's hurling, which is
the Irish national sport. OK.

Yeah, so we set up a target,

but that's not important.
Let's not dwell on that.

Let's put this on.

OK, good.

Does that feel secure?

Er, no, not at all.

Allow me to introduce you
to Knocowt.

The goal is to hit the cow.

Here it comes, OK?

Nope!

Right, ready? Three...

Did it work?
No, cos you started twerking.

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Right, three, two, one.

Oh, no.

Ready?
Yep.

Let's go closer.

Are we still having fun?
Yes, yes. Good, good.

You ready?
Yes.

OK, that worked!

CLANG

Ho-ho-ho!

Yes, we hit one!

Yes!

That was fun!

Three, two...

Yes!

Oh-ho-ho!

We did it!

I'm going to go and get some water.
Do you want anything?

Yeah, a little bit of milk.
Little bit of milk? All right.

Thank you.
Well, she can sort you with that.

APPLAUSE

When I was a young man, my dad
took me to a tennis court once

for a tennis lesson, and what he
actually did was fire aces past me.

Watching you dredged up
those memories for me,

cos you looked like you were
just lost in your own world.

I was... Am I your dad in this
or am I you swinging wildly?

You're my dad. OK.
You're my dad, Dara. OK.

Well, this is an interesting
dynamic. Er...

Munya, what's this giving it to
the man action?

It's a sign of respect.

I can do it now if you want.
I want you to give it to the man.

All right,
shall I give it to the man?

Yeah.
All right, then.

OK, I'll just give you
one little one.

Don't zoom in
just cos it's quite cold.

Oh!

Quite gentle.

Er, who's next?

Er, well, I can imagine John's
friends and family would like

to see what John did,
so here's what John did.

Have pleasure. Oh, I'm going to have
a lot of pleasure.

Here we go.

Oh!

HE YELLS IN DISPLEASURE

Is it pleasurable?

Oh, yeah.

Where's the choccies, huh?

You'll find them.

HE YELLS IN DISPLEASURE

Oooh.

HE GRUNTS IN DISPLEASURE

Alex?

Yes, John?
Can I have some pleasure time now?

All right, do you want me to
lower the flap? Yes, please.

Have pleasure.

OK. That was fantastic.

Could you, er, lift my flap?

Yes, I'd love too. Here we go.

HE GROANS IN DISPLEASURE

Right.

Fuck me, imagine I get this.

Genuine pleasure.

Oh!

Shit!

But it's fun, this is the thing,
it's very pleasurable. OK.

Oh, right, throw the ball...
head it straight in.

Got to leap like a salmon.
I will, yeah.

I'm trying my best.

Oh, fuck it.

Ugh! Didn't even hit the bell.

John, what's your definition
of pleasure?

Doing something well.

I put it to you

you were demonstrably in pain
throughout most of it.

Yeah, I did...
I didn't enjoy going down the slide.

But there were five
little choccies.

And then, on national television,

you reveal that
you're not very good at football.

There was no Munya style, "Yeah!"

There was none of that, John.

No, I'm not like Munya.

You're kind of giving it...

You need to give it to the man, bro,
I've been telling you.

No, I don't give it.
Gon on, give it to the man.

I enjoyed giving it to the man.
You can give it to the man.

Give it to the man.
Just give it to the man.

You'll feel so much better, John.
Get up and give it to the man.

OK, three two one,
give it to the man.

And there we go.

APPLAUSE

Join us back here very soon.

VERY soon.
I'm starting the clock now.

Go!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster.

There's a little guy
sitting next to me

who just can't wait to talk to you.

Ooh!

Before the break, Munya and Dara
tried to get the most pleasure

out of some rubbish chutes by using
them for sport like proper men.

We also saw John's attempt.

Finally...
LAUGHTER

Finally, it's Fern and Sarah
and their ideas of pleasure.

I have an idea!

SHE LAUGHS

It feels like I'm doing bad things
to my dad or something.

I would like you to first put on
a blindfold,

and then I'm passing you a shower
cap... Why?

..to protect your lovely hair.
Oh.

Do you like bananas?
Yes.

Catch them in your mouth.
Right.

So I just want you to be ready
for anything. Is that all right?

Yes.

Oh!

Oh! Ooh!

Where is it going to come from?

Yes!

I haven't finished the first bit.

Well, I didn't want to give you
a chance to finish it

cos that's not the task.
The task is my pleasure.

Yeah. Are you finding it
pleasurable?

Yeah, it's really good fun!
Is it?

Is that one finished?

That one's finished.

Now what?

Oh!

Ugh!

Make your thin lips stick out more.

Please.

Did you say "please"?

I won't have any passive aggressive
stuff from you, please.

I'm trying to wipe my hands,

but everywhere I wipe it,
they're getting dirtier.

Oh, yep. Yep.

That's not sore.
Raise your eyebrow.

Did you say that's NOT sore?

I can smell something.

Egg?

Drink this. Drink this.

It's warm.

I quite like it. Is it soup?

You look scary now.

Right. Have you finished?

Erm, yeah.

Er...

I've got bananas all over my feet.

Right.

Did you enjoy yourself?

No, I didn't enjoy myself.

I did, though.

Yeah.

SARAH LAUGHS
Bye!

Bye-bye.

APPLAUSE

Well, I mean straight off the bat,

two things gave me
a great deal of pleasure -

Alex Horne in your dress,

and the sentence,
"Catch them in your mouth."

It was so much fun,

because I was brought up
to be, like, tidy and polite

and all of the rubbish things,

and it was so great to just let
loose, and I had a tremendous time.

I could see. You know, how many of
us haven't been told by our parents,

"Don't you throw cream at someone
through a big pipe"?

LAUGHTER

Fern, yours was a bit more Medieval,
I thought?

What was a curve-ball for me, and
when it started becoming like Misery

the film, was when out of nowhere
you decided to fill his mouth

full of ketchup.
Yeah.

The thing is,
he's extremely passive aggressive,

so he does a lot of things like
goes "Hmm" under his breath.

Yeah. A very English brand
of passive aggressive

that just makes me
want to be violent to him.

Yeah.

It's so hard to score that,

because everybody looked like
they were having fun.

Well, I have isolated their pleasure
on their faces.

You can see four of them here.

A lot of genuine pleasure.

John looked like this.

LAUGHTER

So it's neck and neck.

I think what I need to reward
is multiple forms of pleasure,

so that means Dara,
even though he was pumped up

like the most competitive dad...
Competitive dad.

LAUGHTER

What was that? The competitive dad?

Even though Dara was
such a competitive dad...

Competitive dad?
Competitive dad.

..he was only enjoying one form
of pleasure,

albeit aggressive and full-throated.
I'm going to give him two points.

Two to Dara, fine.
What?!

I'm going to give John three points,

because honestly, I think that
John just expresses pleasure

in a different way, that's all.

I felt that Munya and Sarah
were having equal amounts of fun.

I'm going to give them
four points each.

But Fern's was just so weird,

and the reason she's got five points
is she didn't even say goodbye

at the end. She just wandered off.
OK. So five points to Fern.

There it is. There we go.
Five points to Fern Brady.

APPLAUSE

Scoreboard, please.

Well, we have two people
in joint last,

but two people in joint first
as well, and that's Fern and John.

APPLAUSE

Next, please.

OK, well, it's time for another
routine team task.

UPBEAT TUNE PLAYS

Hello, Alex.
Yeah!

MUNYA BEATBOXES

This is a nice ambience.

Oh, amazing.

Boom.

You may now open the task.

Woo!
Let's do it.

THEY HUM THE TUNE

"The best routine to..."
Oh, fuck.

"..perform the best routine
to this musical backing."

"You've got 30 minutes.
Your time starts now."

DARA SIGHS

We just did it.
That's what I've got, that's it.

Let's listen to it again.
OK.

TUNE PLAYS AGAIN

I know seven types of martial arts.

Do you?! Do you?
Yep. Try and hit me.

No.
No, no. Just try, just try.

You told me, so you're ready.

I'll hit you later on
when you're making a cup of tea.

All right.
I'm not an idiot.

How do you draw a dance number?

Oh, that's a classic problem
for choreographers for generations.

So we're going to do
a workout routine. Yeah.

Apologies for any accidental farts.

There is this idea, of course.

APPLAUSE

INAUDIBLE BUT SOON-TO-BE-REVEALED
DISCUSSION

I just said to John,
"Who did that shit drawing?"

And he was like, "That was you."

You probably had a sleep
shortly after.

Lots to look forward to in yours,
I think.

Mm.
I think we've got a picture

of Munya's face when you threatened
to accidentally fart.

Here it is.

LAUGHTER

But it's better to apologise first
for anything that might happen.

Shall we crack on?
We'll crack on.

With a combined age of 119 at
the time of recording,

it's Dara and Fern and John.

NOW-FAMILIAR TUNE PLAYS

APPLAUSE

Right, that was weird.

It's the, er, title sequence to
an American sitcom from the '80s.

That's what we thought
the music sounded like.

And your character, Biff
Chippington. Biff Chippington, yes.

He was the actor, was he? He's the
actor who plays the character.

Oh, sorry.
Chip Biffington is the character.

And he's also actually
quite a senior doctor.

Dr Coco Pops?

Or a recurring patient.
It's difficult to know.

Yeah, I'm in every week
with a different problem.

Yeah. So like there, my skull
had to be removed from my stomach.

Sorry, had Dr Pops died
on this occasion?

I die every week.

Time for a break now,

or, as my uncle who couldn't
pronounce vowels used to say,

"Tm fr brk nw."

See you in a bit.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Hello. Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where we're midway through
a team task.

Mm, he's just dreamy.

And right, too. There's a catchy
tune which the teams are trying

to perform the best routine too.

We've had hospital melodrama.

Now it's time to see
some Sarah Munya drama.

UNFAMILIAR INTRO

THE TUNE PLAYS YET AGAIN

APPLAUSE

It's a classic training montage.

Mm-hm.
You were swiping things away.

There was the one finger press-ups.
Press-ups, yeah.

There was the aimlessly punching
at a loaf.

We couldn't get hold of a big amount
of meat, you know, like a carcass.

Oh, you were going for
that Rocky vibe?

Yeah. So we thought we'd do
a more sort of... You know.

With a baguette?
Yeah, little...

You do do martial arts, right?
Seven different kinds.

I'd say there were three tops.

There are only three,
but he does seven. Oh!

Right, how are you going to score
them, then?

I'm going to be
really generous today.

I'm going to give them four points
because I enjoyed it very much,

and I'm going to give these
lunatics five points

because I enjoyed it even better.

APPLAUSE

Where are we for the next one, Alex?

We are in baggage reclaim, Greg.

Alex! What you doing down there,
you spicy turnip?

Hello.
Hello, Sarah.

Well, it's genuinely eerie, this.

Really messed up opening that.

Oops!

"Place one luggage trolley a certain
distance away from the line.

"Then starting behind the line,

"strike that luggage trolley
with another luggage trolley."

I can do that, easy. Piss easy.

"If you strike the first
luggage trolley

"with another luggage trolley...

"..you may move the first
luggage trolley further away."

You may not move any
unsuccessful luggage trollies.

"Furthest luggage trolley
struck wins.

"You have ten minutes.
Your time starts now."

Oh, they really do their own thing
on the wheels, don't they?

Oh, my God. Maybe years of shopping
in Asda will help.

APPLAUSE

To me, this is a childhood dream,
to be in an abandoned airport.

I still got searched.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Right, it's a classic game
of luggage trolley bowls.

Mm-hm. We're going to start
with Sarah and Fern.

Oh, this is quite hard!

But fun?

One metre.

Yeah, I think that hit.

So I can move it back here?
Wherever you want.

No!

OK, the further they are, the more
chance there is that they veer off.

Yes.

Oh, no!

That was close.

Wondering whether to jam it in.

I don't know what I'm doing, Alex,
but I'm going to give it a go.

Yes!
OK.

It's touching it.

Yes!

Double trolley.

Oh, there's two!

You said, "Have some fun, Sarah.

"You're not letting any more fun in
your life." That's what you said.

It was hurtful at the time,

but I've taken it on board,
and I'm having a lovely time.

I actually thought I was going to
do something magical there,

and yous would all be like, "Argh!"

Come on.

Yes!

One minute left.

Oh, Alex, I just realised I'm, like,
wasting energy

going up to the line when I could
just be pushing from here, right?

So you're learning.

Fuck off.
Right.

This is your final trolley.

No!

It's like a trolley graveyard
over there. It's horrible.

Maybe?

Yay!

Bye.
Goodbye.

APPLAUSE

Sarah, did you surprise yourself
with your temperament?

I had a nice time,

and I hate when anything reminds me
that exercise is all right.

It really annoys me, cos I think,
"Oh, it's just shit,"

and then I do some and I'll be like
"Oh, I feel a bit better,"

then I think, "Fuck!"

If I was giving bonus points out
any more, which I don't do,

you'd be getting one for telling
Alex to fuck off so poetically.

Yes. Cos he did his
passive aggressive thing again.

What did he do?

He went, "You see?
You're learning, aren't you?"

Yeah.
Patronising.

I think that one,
I was trying to be just nice.

Trying to be, but you've come across
as though you hate women.

Again. Let's crack on.

OK. Next up, it's J K Rowling.

That's John Kearns
rolling some trolleys.

GREG SIGHS
Again, I'm so sorry. Here we go.

Er...

They're having fun.
Yeah.

I'll take a run up.

You're good at this, John.

Yeah?

Oh, wow.

That is impossible, isn't it?

You've had no unsuccessful trolleys,
John.

Good distance.

I don't know.
This feels far away, this thing.

Go on!

Go on, you...bastard.

Yes!

That hit it, John.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, saw that.

Thank you, John.

APPLAUSE

I thought you looked like
a professional athlete.

You looked like you were born to
bowl luggage trolleys

is what I felt, and I'm not even
being mean and sarcastic like him.

I'm worried about something.

OK, John.

He didn't show my foot
and the line.

You think there's a chance
you might have gone over the line

and then we're going to
cruelly reveal it afterwards?

LAUGHTER

You've been known to do it.

It was an amazing attempt by John.
It was a pleasure to be there. Yep.

I do have to show you...

LAUGHTER

..just my favourite snap
of the whole thing. Yeah.

Have a look at this.
Let's have a look at that.

Behind the line. He's fine!

APPLAUSE

Well behind the line.

It's the end of part three, and if
you think it's been rubbish so far,

don't worry, someone's going to win
a fidget snipper after the break.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Welcome back.

You join us for the final part
of Taskmaster.

We hadn't finished the trolley
pushing task, had we,

Little Alex Horne?
Good Lord, no!

John's in the lead so far,
but there are two people left to go,

one smart, one fit.

So finally it's O'brains
versus O'brawn.

Let's start off ambitious.

Alex, what's the thing we've been
saying this whole series?

Happy birthday.

Go big or go home.

Right.
And that is what I plan to do.

Let's get one in the bank,

as we often say in
the luggage trolley-pushing game.

Yeah, you got one in the bank.

Go on!

Successful strike.

Ooh, you don't want to
be using that one.

OK, that's the one.

I need a slow clap.

SLOW CLAP
Mm-hm!

OK, start to speed up.

CLAP STARTS TO SPEED UP

You see, if you had clapped
with a bit more passion,

that wouldn't have happened.

Right, it's gone one metre further.

Oh, you think I was being
a bit cautious there, then, do you?

Well, a little bit.

One...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

HE GRUNTS

Still, though,
you can see that force.

Dara O Briain ain't pushing trolleys
that far.

Oh, no, no. Don't.

Oh, do, oh, do, oh, do, oh, do.

Ooh, it hit!

The gentlest of touches.

Oh, that is a beauty.

Come on, little bit of bend.

That's it, there we go!

Argh! Come on.

Push, push, push, push, push.

Wait a minute.

WHISTLE BLOWS
OK, right, well, look...

Ten seconds.

Go on.

Yes!

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

Munya, you are the most confident
person we've had on this show,

because whatever the task is,
Munya always goes,

"I'm going to be amazing at this."

And I believe him every time.

But, in fact, you were quite
a show pony during that, I thought.

We had a bit of hammer,
we had some discus,

we had some long jump,
we had some double team.

You, know I just wanted to give you
the whole damn Olympics.

We had some double team, yeah?

On the other side,

we saw a man who's very serious
about trolley bowling.

You don't get to the level I'm at
at trolley bowling

without taking it seriously,
you know what I mean?

I mean, on your last throw,
you put a bit of curve on it.

I mean, I had to.
It was a very fine line.

And because every luggage hall
is different.

You travel the world with these
things, you know...

On the Continent,
they're built for speed.

What did you say, Munya,
at the beginning?

"What's my catchphrase for
the series? Go big or go home."

Oh, yeah.

But when Munya asked, "What's my
catchphrase for the series?"

you said, "Happy birthday" straight
away. I said, "Happy birthday."

Straight away, no hesitation.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It's unusual, isn't it?

Would you like some distances?

Please. Some distances and then some
sweet, sweet points.

Yes, well, I think we all saw
Fern unfortunately in last place.

18.3 metres.

Two points go to Sarah
for 25.4 metres.

And then we move into
the Noel Edmonds zone.

The Noel Edmonds zone?

Well, I've measured the rest
in Noel Edmondses.

GREG SIGHS

So Dara, 16 Noel Edmonds
and one crouching Noel Edmonds.

John, 19 Noel Edmonds exactly.

Munya, 17.7 Noel Edmondses.

John Kearns wins the five points.
Kearns takes it!

APPLAUSE

Over 34 metres. Amazing.

Sensational work.

Can I see a scoreboard, please?

He's still in the lead -
it's John Kearns with 18 points!

APPLAUSE

Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Right, everyone,
please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE

Alex, who's going to read
the task out, please?

Munya is going to read the task out.
Munya!

So...

"One member of your team must write
down ten animals in two minutes."

SARAH: So who's doing the animals?

Yeah, I know loads of animals.

He's got too much confidence
for me. No, no, listen.

Can I be paired with somebody
a bit meeker, please?

Team of three, who's going to be
writing the animals?

I'm going to be writing
the animals. And team of two?

That was an easy decision.

Right, if you can step onto
the circles in front of the easels.

OK, so your two minutes
to write ten animals starts...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Can we watch the way
Dara's arm moves

and work out what he's writing?

Yes, you can.

Yep, and if you do do that,
let me know,

because we'll go on tour
and I'll make money off you.

LAUGHTER

What's he written for
the first one, Fern?

I think cat.

LAUGHTER

WHISTLE BLOWS

And that's your time up. Well done.

Return to your spot. Please don't
talk to your team mates.

The scoring on this task,
just so you know,

the winning team will get five
points, the losing team zero.

Whoa!

OK. Well, the second half
of the task,

Munya's going to read that as well.

"Communicate the other teams'
animals to your team members

"by saying the letter that comes
before it in the alphabet

"over and over whilst doing
an impression of that animal."

LAUGHTER

Look how giddy you are!

"Most correct animals named wins.
You have two minutes and one pass."

OK, Dara's team,
who is going to do the miming?

It's any one of you.
Oh!

Oh! I think John should do that.

I'll give it a go, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

They're our animals.
I know all them.

LAUGHTER

What am I doing?

John, please make your way over
to the other spot.

Yeah!
Yeah.

John, you're miming those
ten animals. Good luck.

WHISTLE BLOWS

K.

Lemur.

K.
Lion.

Lion is correct.

N. N.

FERN AND DARA: Orangutan.

L. L.

Monkey.

Monkey is correct.

B. B.

Cat.
Correct.

ELONGATED: V.

Whale?

ELONGATED: V.

ELONGATED: V.

I shouldn't give clues,

but this is the shittest impression
of that animal I've ever seen.

You've got one minute, John.

Oh! Pass.

OK, he's used the pass.

HE QUICKLY RUNS THROUGH THE ALPHABET

Erm, R, R, R.

Shark.
Shark.

It is a shark.

G.

Horse.

Wonderful, yes.

B.

B.

B.

LAUGHTER

Carp. Erm...

B.

B!

APPLAUSE

B!

Crocodile.
Yes!

It is crocodile.
You've got five seconds, John.

J.

Koala bear.

It is a koala bear!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah, the haunting cry
of the wild wolf. V!

Team of two.

Munya, please come to
the miming step.

Sarah, please go to
the receiving circle.

SARAH CHUCKLES

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

You have two minutes starting...

WHISTLE BLOWS

B. B.

Cat.
Correct.

C. C.

Dog, dog.

It is dog. It is dog.

F.

Giraffe.
Correct.

S.

S. S.

Toad.

LAUGHTER

Tiger?

It's not a toad or a tiger.

S...

Pass.

Oh, she's used the pass.

L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L. L!

Something beginning with L
that looks like a frog? L! L!

J. J. J. J. J.

Kangaroo!

LAUGHTER

It is kangaroo. It is kangaroo.

B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B.

Um...something that would say...

Oh, God, I don't know.

B. B. B. B. B. B. B. B.

It's not helping. That's not
helping. Do something else. B. B. B.

Chimp. Chimp!

Yes!
Correct. Correct.

E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E. E.

Is it the right letter? Are you
doing the right letter this time?

E. E. E.

Fish.

It is fish.
You have 12 seconds left.

Q. Q. Q. Q.

Rabbit.
It is rabbit. Three seconds.

GROWLING: A. A. A. A.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

GROWLING: A!

And that means the team of three
scored seven,

while the team of two...

..also scored seven. It's a draw!

APPLAUSE

Right, add those to the final scores
and see where we are.

Come and join me.

Hi, great boy.

I'm a great boy.
What happened?

Well, they both knew exactly
the same amount of animals

and how to mime them.
It was 7-7,

so they get five points each.
Well done both teams.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So I can give you
the series scoreboard,

cos we're halfway through
the series.

Oh, yes, please. From bottom to top,
Munya has 75 points,

John 76, Fern 79,

Sarah on 90,

and Dara's reached triple
figures with 102.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the final scoreboard
for this episode?

The winner with 23 points
is Mr John Kearns.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John wins! All of those expensive
useless things are yours.

Go and get 'em!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that some people are
born with natural athletic ability.

Dara has his hurling skills,

Munya can target a cow through
a rubbish chute,

John can hit a trolley
from 19 Noel Edmonds away,

Fern can accurately throw a banana
into the mouth of an idiot,

and Sarah can punch
a floating baguette.

But if you've got children at home
who are not naturally sporty,

just leave them to develop,
and they'll find their own skills

and interests.
Don't be such a competitive dad.

APPLAUSE

Well done again to today's winner,
John Kearns.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media