Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 4 - Episode #14.4 - full transcript

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What...!

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

TYPEWRITER CLACKS

GASPS

Oh!

No!

Shut up!

Oh, be caref... Ah.

Aaargh!

What?

APPLAUSE



Hello.

I am Greg Davies.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

What is potential?

When I was a little boy a school
teacher told my parents I had none.

By the end of that year
he had witnessed me rustle

a wild stallion to the ground

and skitter up the side
of the BT tower

like a giant mother-loving lizard.

We all have potential,
we can all unlock.

With the exception, it seems,
of most of the following people.

Please give a warm welcome
to Dara O Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fern Brady.



John Kearns.

Munya Chawawa.

And Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now for a man who was
once chased and bitten by a peacock

in an incident he refers to as "the
day I lost my children's respect."

It's...

HIGH PITCHED VOICE:
..Little Alex Horne.

APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone. Hello, Greg.
Hi.

I've got news.
Uh-oh.

Of my new project.
Oh, yeah?

A line of clothing -
it's called Simply Alex.

Would you like me to describe it?
Yep.

Well, it's for unique occasions.

You know when sometimes
your fingers are cold

but your hands are warm,
so I've got these,

these are called gloveless fingers.

Gloveless fingers for
the thumb there, of course.

I've also got...there's a
pant-less crotch.

You know in this area?
Yep. That's the end.

OK.

It's a good job
I can't roundhouse any more.

Prize task, then.

What category did I suggest
this time, my furry chum?

Oh, just another bloody brilliant
one from Mr Brilliant

your bloody brilliant bloody bloke
because you asked them to bring in

the greatest addition to a garden.

AUDIENCE: Ooooo!

OK. John, hello.

Hello. You all right?
Yeah.

I brought in, er,
I brought in a maze.

Here's his maze.

Oh, big maze.

Yeah. Have you brought in a maze?

Well, I didn't bring in a maze, no.

I brought in a Leylandii plant.

This is what all mazes
are made out of.

So, you haven't brought in
a maze, you've brought in one plant?

I would have brought in
a maze if I could.

You love a maze?

I do love a maze, yeah.
He loves a maze.

Yeah, and I'd be as impressed if
you'd brought in a stone and said,

"This is a potential pyramid."

I mean, it's weak. Guy's a fool.

Sarah...

What I've brought in is something
that I've used every single time

I've sat in the garden
when it's been sunny

and it is the complete works
of Shakespeare.

Oh, hang on, John,
you're back in the game.

Here it is.
Perfect...Perfect for the garden.

Well, I use a heavy book every
single time I'm in the garden

to keep my Magnum wrapper
from flying away.

Like this.
Lovely...Lovely.

APPLAUSE

He'd be pleased. Don't you think
Shakespeare would be pleased

that I'm using his...?
I think he'd be mortified.

His whole life's works holding down
your Magnum wrapper!

Fortunately for you
he's not scoring this.

Dara...

I brought a thermometer.

But it's a thermometer
that also proves that I was

an advertising model
in 1920s France.

And also, since, on trips
to France I've discovered

it's actually a really iconic ad
in France.

There's a whole second career
for you over there.

I was quite the character in 1920s
France, yeah, with my Pastis Olive.

Wow. Which is olive oil, I presume?

I don't know.

I just did the gig.

Incredible. Hello, Fern.

Uh, so mine is a pizza oven.

It's a fancy one.

I've got a pizza oven as well

and I started the fire inside it.

I found this one really hard

cos I don't enjoy being
in my garden at all.

I live in a horrible bit
of south east London

so a lot of being in the garden
is just listening to drug dealers

shout at each other
or trying to ignore

a woman dry-heaving in my garden.

Just to remind you -

you're watching the light
entertainment show Taskmaster.

Sorry!

Munya, can you beat any of these?

I can G-Wagon, so...

I don't mind G-Wagon.
OK. Make a note.

I brought in the bird
that changed my life.

I'm from Zimbabwe

and when we moved to England
we moved to Norwich

so virtually indistinguishable.

Now, there was a lack of wildlife
in Norwich

so I started to get very homesick
until I met Smooth Rupert, OK?

Oh, my God.
Smooth Rupert is a blackbird

who would fly into my garden.

All the birds were loving it.

He was the bird equivalent
of Snoop Dog, OK?

Obviously, I couldn't bring
him in but I did bring in

a re-incarnation of Smooth Rupert
as I remember him.

He's a smooth guy.

Um, OK.

What you on about?

You looked out your window
and you saw a blackbird.

You went, "I'm going to call
that Smooth Rupert"?

You've never looked out the window
and seen a pigeon and gone,

"That's an Aggressive Dylan"?
No.

He won me back a little bit there.
Yeah.

Let me give some points out.

So, what is the least great
addition to a garden?

You know you would have said it was
a solitary tree, wouldn't you?

Until you saw a pizza oven

that someone had tipped
lighter fluid over.

One point.

Right, one point to Fern.

Two points to Smooth Rupert.

Three points to
a ragged individual tree.

I think Dara's reward
is infamy around France

and I think Sarah's doing
a little bit for making

the Bard relevant
to a modern audience,

and against all odds
I'm going to give it five points.

There we go.
Five points to Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE

Task time.
Yes, it is.

So, let's get the bubbles flowing.

Hey, Alex.

Hello, Munya.
Please enter the magical sphere.

Thanks.

Hi, Fern, please enter
the wonderful ball. OK.

Please enter the enchanted orb.

You have to go into
the plastic igloo.

The futuristic globule.

SHE GASPS

I didn't know you can pens that clip
together like that.

I'm 46 and I've never wanted
something more in my life.

Oh, turn on the bubble machine.

You may not step off
or move the doormat.

Fastest wins.

Your time starts now.

That's the bubble machine?

Yes.

Um...

Uh, power? Um...

Where's the charger
for the bubble machine?

Turn it on how -
mechanically or sexually?

Looks like we cut in the nick of
time before Munya made sweet,

sweet love to a bubble machine.
Again.

Um, let's just crack on.

First, we're going to see Fern
and Dara in the dome.

OK.

So you've given me these special
pens that hook together.

Rubbish.

I'm missing the thing that turns on
the bubble machine.

About 12 volts, I imagine.

Yeah, where have you put it?

Is it underneath something?

Oh-oh, ho-ho! Right.

Ha-ha ha-ha!

That was dead clever, eh?

Stop. Let's have you two batteries.

What do the batteries operate?

They don't operate this, do they?

Oh, be care... Ah.
Oops!

These can't be for no reason.

OK.

Uh...

Ha-ha!

Ah!

Oh!

This is the correct source of power

but I need to be able to open it.

Yes.

There's only two batteries!

Oh, no.

Oh, that's cruel.

That's not going to be enough.

I'm a little bit tired now.

Tired?
Yeah.

I keep looking at you, cactus,
as if you're the key to this.

That doesn't sound right.

What if the battery
is under the car?

Dara?

So, where do you think...

SHE SIGHS
Ugh, fuck's sake.

Ah, ha-ha! Oh, sneaky.

Oh, that's irritating.

FERN LAUGHS

APPLAUSE

I'll stop the clock.

Thank you, Fern.

It was pretty fun.

Congratulations, Dara.
Thank you.

Do you know the last thing my
wife said to me before I came

to Taskmaster today?

Always check under the table.

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

So you didn't heed your
wife's advice. I did not, no.

You looked like you were having
a great time to me, Dara.

I was... It was loads of fun, yep.

Dara was quite scientific about it.

He wondered if it was
a battery-powered cactus

and that that's where we'd
hidden the batteries

whereas Fern was more
an instinct, really.

At one point she said,
"I need to get in the car."

But I still solved it in
the same way as Dara so.

You did. Did you solve it in
the same speed as

the scientific chuntering Dara?

Well, they both did about
five minutes

I'll be more vague this time -
about five minutes.

That'll certainly keep everyone on
the edge of their seat, wont it?

About five.
Well, Dara was six minutes 35,

Fern seven minutes 40,
so about five minutes.

Now, a break from the norm.

When you tuck your kids into bed,
instead of reading them

a bedtime story tonight, tell
them the truth -

they're parasites
and they've wrecked your dreams.

We'll see you in a bit.

Hello!

Hello, to all you good,
good people out there

and hello to all the naughty ones.

Over to Little Alex Horne
for a Little Alex recap.

So, before the break we saw Dara
and Fern attempt to activate

the bubble machine in
the fastest time.

Sarah Millican hadn't been yet
but neither have John and Munya.

Here's how they got on.

Turn on the bubble machine.

Yes, please.

SWITCH CLICKS

Is it on?
Yep.

Doesn't look like it's on.

SWITCH CLICKS CONTINOUSLY

What the hell am in going to do?

Oh, how do you make it go all stiff?

Practice.

What...

Oh, look who's here now.

Why doesn't it work?
Does it need batteries?

Does it need to be plugged in?

Isn't it meant to go all rigid?

Yeah.

So fix the bubble machine.
What, so I need a screwdriver?

I bet it's in there.

Heeey!

Yes...

Oh, be careful...
Oh!

I've never used a bubble machine.
I had a Mr Frosty.

Right, then.

Can't step off the doormat...

Doesn't make any sense.

Why is there a dressing gown?

It's got something in the pocket.

LOUD THUD

Yep.

Look at this. Ingenuity.

Do these clip on to each other?

That's not going to work, is it?

Yes. No fool, no fool!

Fuck!

I'm missing a battery.

One in here, isn't there?

That doesn't come off
without a screwdriver.

I need to make a screwdriver
to get one out of the car.

ALEX: You're going to make a
screwdriver out of the coat hanger?

That's not going to work.

Why have you given me this?

Oh!

Oh!

Yes.

Oh, my God. Not this bit.

Oh, that doesn't feel right.

What am I missing?
What am I missing?

Is there something on the floor?

Oh, my God I've found it!
Oh, you dicks!

Oh, I hate you all.

APPLAUSE

Yes!

Right, stop the clock.
I knew I could do it.

CRIES OF EXASPERATION

All right, no.

Oh, hang on, well, that doesn't
matter if it's in there.

Doesn't matter.

Bubble machine turned on.

Thanks, John. Bye-bye.

Wow, it was the dramatic conclusion.

Munya, you know how screws
work right?

Yeah, I mean, you insert and twist
like the best things in life.

Yeah, if you can get them rigid
enough, of course.

Well, that's the first time
this series

we'll have anything in common so...

John, you seemed to struggle to see
the batteries a lot of the time?

Yeah, we had hidden secret
messages everywhere.

On the batteries it all said
"look down."

In the middle of
the string it said "look down."

We weren't expecting people
not to see the batteries

that were right there.

And also John insisted for five
minutes that the machine was on

before doing anything. Five minutes.

It technically was on.

Right. It didn't look on.

No, I agree with you.

In the spirit of the task
the machine was definitely off.

Yeah.

It was off but it was on.

I need some statistics.

Well, I think it's going
to surprise you.

They took about five minutes,

and by that I mean John took
ten minutes 45.

Munya 11 minutes 41.

Wait, so John beat me?

Can't be!

You've got to remember Munya
made a lasso with a torch.

He tried to make a screwdriver
out of a coat hanger.

He constructed a bazooka out of the
pens and the cactus and the battery.

You did spend a lot of time
recreating an episode of The A Team.

I think Sarah was fast.
Was she fast?

Well, I can tell you that in last
place it's Munya

with over 11 minutes with one point.

John gets two points
with his ten minutes 45,

then it's Fern
with seven minutes 40.

Now we know Dara took
six minutes 35.

Sarah took six minutes 16
so she gets the five points!

APPLAUSE

May I have a scoreboard update
please, Alex?

Of course you can.
She's got maximum points,

and she's in the lead
with ten points,

it's Sarah Millican again.
There we go.

APPLAUSE

Another task and make it
a good one.

Well, I'm afraid this one is
actually tar-PALLING.

T...it's...it's...
LAUGHTER

Go on, crack on.

Alex.

Hi, Munya.
Fancy seeing you here.

Always here. Hello, Dara.

Oh, Alex.

"Get this..."

Argh, come on now.

"Get this tarpaulin completely
in one of the containers."

"You have a maximum of five minutes

"and you must select your container
before touching the tarpaulin."

"Also you must tidy..." What?

"Tidy everything up within
those five minutes."

"Smallest container successfully
filled with the tarpaulin wins.

"Your time starts after you've
selected your container."

"And you must select your container
within the next 30 seconds.!

Smallest wins, smallest wins,
smallest wins.

That's full of shit.

Let me pick this.

OK.

There's gonna be stuff. So
there's gonna be stuff in it.

15 seconds before you select
your container.

Yep. Uh...

That's got balloons in.
Bloody ducks again.

I'm gonna pick this.

OK.

Uh, I'm gonna pick...

Four seconds.

OK, this one.

OK.

This one.

OK.

Which container?

Uh, the green bin.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Lots of very interesting thoughts.

My eye is immediately drawn to Munya

because anyone who thinks
that tarpaulin is going in

a bread bin is insane.

Well, wait until you see the task.

Perhaps. Who's up first?

Uh, we're gonna start off
with Sarah and "Darah".

LAUGHTER

Your five minutes starts now.
BLOWS WHISTLE

Right.

I mean, I've folded sheets
we've all folded sheets.

Why is there a snake
underneath the... Oh, no.

What?

Oh, there's a snake.

Do you want me to...?

Yeah, if you could, please.

How long have I got?

You've still got one minute 45.

It didn't say it had to shut.

It just says it's got
to be completely in there.

You've still got a minute.

That is exactly the right size.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh.

WHISTLE BLOWS
That's your time up.

Good work, Sarah.
Thanks.

I'm waiting for
the bit that went wrong.

AUDIENCE GROANS

APPLAUSE

OK. I felt like you were asked
to put a tarpaulin away

and you folded it nicely,
both of you,

and you put it in
the container that you'd chosen

and you subsequently tidied up
really well.

You're watching Taskmaster.

LAUGHTER

I really enjoyed it.

Folding and tidying, what's
not to like?

Dara, did you enjoy folding
something away really efficiently?

Yeah, but I wouldn't like
televise it most of the time.

No, only, only a madman would.

Don't forget, for those people who
are thinking of turning off,

we've still
got bread bin boy to come.

SARAH CHUCKLES HAPPILY

Right, we're off again for
a few minutes.

Just enough time for you
to work out how

to turn down your partner's advances
later on. Any suggestions, Alex?

Uh, well I usually just pretend,
pretend to be very, very sad.

See you in part three.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome back,

and a hey diddly dee,
it's the start of part three.

Yes, and fiddly dee, fiddly do,

I had an X-rated dream about you.
But enough about me.

Tarpaulin tidying,
that's the name of the current game.

Pick a container and fit it in,

smallest container
successfully filled wins.

We're gonna see the final three now.
Brady, Chawawa, Kearns.

Horrible man.

So what am I meant to do
with these coins?

GRUNTS
How much is in here?

Um...

You're basically making me
do tidying.

Yeah, this starts with a lot
of tidying, yeah.

Do you not like tidying?
No. It's boring.

Um...

EXHALES

Well, that's not a problem, is
it? Just put them back in there.

OK, right, let's think.
How do they do it for bedsheets?

What do they do for bedsheets?

There's a snake!

Is it real?

What the...?

What the fuck?
That's a snake.

What's happening?

It's not real, obviously.

Do you want me to get it?
I can get it.

What are you doing?
Do you want me to get it?

Uh, no.
OK.

Is there things in this?

You've got three minutes, Fern.

But you've put something in here.

There's millions of marbles
and spoons and things.

There must be some sort of trick.

15 seconds.
Fuck.

How many minutes?

Two. You've gotta clean all that up.

Do I really though?

Mm-hm.

Right now, it's inside, isn't it?

It's not completely inside.

Well, it, that, that's just
not possible.

Argh, how do people get bodies in
these? It must be so hard.

It's inside, isn't it?

WHISTLE BLOWS

Argh.

Done.
WHISTLE BLOWS

I guess I'm gonna
tidy up the forks.

Yeah, thank you.

APPLAUSE

Well, that's certainly spiced things
up a little bit, hasn't it?

Um, you reverted to being
a angry 15-year-old, Fern,

at the beginning.

Yeah.
"No, why? It's boring."

Because they made out I really had
to tidy up the spoons and marbles.

You did, that was part
of the task.

No, like, obviously someone from
the crew can do that, come on.

LAUGHTER

Um, what I wrote down
about John was,

"John cuts quite a lonely figure in
this task, doesn't he?"

What?

We're all, we're all, uh, we're
all on our own in this task.

Yeah, some people just seem
more alone than others.

Uh, I, I'm thinking specifically

of when you chose your
receptacle, you opened it,

you discovered there
were balloons there,

you, you took them all out

and then you held them
for some time.

Yeah, you stood still
for 80 seconds, John.

Munya, I'm intrigued as

to what part of you thought that
was going inside a bread bin.

I'm seeing these containers
and I'm thinking,

"OK, obviously there's, there's
something underneath

"the smaller container".

So I was thinking when I opened

the bread bin it's just gonna
be like a sewer.

LAUGHTER

So when I opened...

I'm playing it out in my head,

I'm gonna open it it's gonna
be a sewer,

the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are
gonna be under there.

MIMICS NINJA TURTLE: "What up, dude,
you wanna put that in there, dude?

"OK, come on in. Ah."
But that didn't happen.

God, I never thought I would long
to hear Smooth Rupert come back.

Well, look, points-wise,

Sarah put the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basket

and then taped the basket shut.

Dara got the tarpaulin completely
in the laundry basket

and just put the lid on.

He did leave one lid carelessly on
the floor.

Who got the least tarpaulin in?
Munya.

Right, one point to Munya.

OK who got the next amount
of tarpaulin in?

John Kearns.

John Kearns, two points to him.

Fern, three points,

Dara can have four but the queen

and the only one who really deserves
any points, Sarah Millican.

Well done, Sarah.
Five points.

APPLAUSE

Right, may we have just one
more, please?

Of course and this one's well
classy.

Greee, pow.

Sorry, I like to make an entrance.

John.

You all right, Al?

Alex.

Gold pen, am I being retired?

Yes, congratulations.
Thank you.

I've give the best years of my
life to you, Alex.

And we're very grateful.
OK.

SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION

Oh!

Oh, baby.
"Write down five wonderful words."

"You've one minute,
your time starts now."

Um.

Last year, when I started
learning one new word

a day people laughed at me.
Now who's laughing?

Me, loquaciously.

Loquacious.

20 seconds, Fern.

Done.

12 seconds if you wanna
change your mind. No.

Thanks, John.

Euphoria.

Ten seconds.

Sex. I panicked, I panicked.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Great. Great stuff.

I doubt I'm leaving the room.

What have I got to do now?
I genuinely don't know.

I don't believe you for a second.

I never believe anything you
say apart from,

"Everything you needs on
the task." Is that how you talk?

All the information, all
the information's on the task.

Why do I feel I have made a
rod for my own back?

"Write a classic song."

Oh, Jesus.

"You must write lyrics for
a piece of classical music."

"Your lyrics must contain your
five wonderful words."

"You have 30 minutes your
time starts now."

I'm gonna give you some options.

Jesus is Lord,
do you need that many wires?

Is that an iPod Touch?

What, was it World War II?

And is it only those
words or other words?

Oh, other words as well.
Oh, OK, fine.

MELANCHOLIC PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, you wrote out the
name of the song.

Yeah, it's Clair de Lune, isn't it?
Correct. Thank you.

Oh, I think it's too poignant
for this.

Too poignant, OK.

MUSIC CHANGES
Is that Hall of the Mountain King?

Correct. Two points.

How many points am I getting
for this? Loads.

Next.

MUSIC CHANGES

DARA HUMS TUNE

That is a banger. Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Pop the next one on.

MUSIC CHANGES
Swan Lake by Tchaikovsky.

No?

MUSIC CHANGES

No.
No?

It's too British.

No to Mozart. Last one.

MUSIC CHANGES
I can play this.

I don't know that one.

It's not his best.

You're not writing lyrics
to that though. No?

Well, if he didn't.

What's it called? Not even a
good name, Sonata in C Major.

I need to listen
to it while I write the song.

Yeah. Here we go.
What, you just stand there?

Yes. You have to keep going
back to the start.

This is how I like
to write my raps.

Yeah, me too. Here we go.

ENERGETIC DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Stop. Pause.

OK, wheel up again.

Pause again.

In.

Where do you reckon people
would sing your song?

In their heads.

APPLAUSE

Can you really play that
on a piano?

Yeah, instead
of having friends at school,

I spent two years learning
Mozart's Sonatas

and that's one of my
favourite ones.

Oh. Too British for me.

Well, I can't wait.

OK, well, five classic songs coming
up. First up it's John Kearns.

# I found a naughty satsuma

# In my fantastic curry

# Oh, yes I found a naughty satsuma

# In my fantastic curry

# The lady on the phone said

# "What? Get here, you prick

# "I will lance you into next week

# I said, "I'm in my new pyjamas

# "And I'm free", I said,

# "I am free to come play
to you and moan

# "Alone." #

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

It's not far off the original.
The original Swan Lake,

Price Siegfried fell in love

with a swan and then ordered a
curry. Yeah.

I, uh, am fascinated to learn more
about the narrative of the piece.

So he's in his pyjamas so he's
not, he's not well, bless him.

Yeah.

So to kind of, uh, clear
the cold that he has,

he's ordered a hot curry.

He opens the curry... Yeah.

..there's
a bloody satsuma in there.

John, this might seem over
the top, but I think that,

what we've just seen, is
the best thing you're ever gonna do.

LAUGHTER

Next?

Yeah, next.

Next up, let's see
and hear Fern Brady.

Oh, no.

# Here we are again

# Series 14

# Who will become the
house's queen?

# It is me Fern Brady, me
Fern Brady, I'm the rightful queen

# Dilapidated house,
filled with mystique

# Nobody knows what we
will see

# Only one contestant will achieve
the height of victory

# And the task was serendipitous

# They were gifts to the
Taskmistress

# All the other contestants

# They were boot-licking sycophants

# Dara's a big bold imbecile

# Mr Kearns is obsequious chap

# And Sarah and Munya are losers
and I'll stamp on their toes. #

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

That was painful.

You saddled yourself
with some stinker words

but it was a masterpiece,
wasn't it?

Yeah.

I wasn't aware we were allowed
to write a dis-track. Uh...

She really took you all down,
didn't she?

Really did.
I mean accurately as well.

I don't know what, I don't know
what my word means.

You were obsequious.
Obsequious, yeah.

Oh, that you suck up to people
and you really don't.

You're, you're not.
I mean he does, he doesn't.

Wow.

Dara, you're not obsequious.

Thanks, Greg.

INDISTINCT

Break time.

Can I get anyone anything from
the bar, hmm?

I'll have a Smooth Rupert, please?

Welcome back for
a final time this time.

What was happening before
the break, young Alex?

Classical music, Greg.

So I suppose you really should have
said "Welcome Bach." No?

Next up, and putting lyrics to
Debussy at last,

it's Sarah Millican.

Oh, shit.

Here we go.

I'm not watching.

# I look out of the window

# I see greenery

# And some brownery

# There's a toadstool

# Can I really eat it?

# I'm inside in a bralette
which is a comfier bra.

# Less scaffolding

# With my cat
who is fighting catnip

# Biscuits are my catnip too

# Oh, look there are crumbs in
my bralette. #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Yeah, she hated doing this.

She absolutely hated doing that,
but I think it's wonderful.

Oh, I have such a terrible history
of singing though.

Like, I was in a relationship

with somebody who always said,
"Don't sing it sounds awful".

And I didn't sing for years

and that was THE,

probably THE most horrific thing
I've ever done in my whole life.

AUDIENCE AWS

Who was it who said that you
sang awful at singing?

Ex-partner.

Oh, fuck you, ex-partner.

CHEERING, APPLAUSE

My life is now in the section of my
life that is after watching that.

Everything building up has been
before watching that

and now my life can begin again.

SHE DRY RETCHES

I genuinely thought it
was really sweet.

It was certainly quite
a contrast to,

# "It's me Fern Brady,
me Fern Brady."

Yeah, and the story made sense.

The story did make sense.

I think it's about a woman

and a cat who are both eating
biscuit crumbs from a bra.

Yeah. It's a comfier bra,
it's like a night-time bra,

like the sort of bra you wear
on, like, a Sunday.

I know what a bralette is.
Have a look.

You need a bit of structure.

No, sorry. Um...

LAUGHTER

This is gonna be an absolute stinker
to judge. Who's next?

Yeah. Now it's Dara O Briain.

# Do you know my greatest fear

# Of all the fears,
my greatest fear

# Is to be
the victim of defenestration?

# That fear might seem nebulous,
mysterious, fantabulous

# But it spins around my head,
it's quite gyratory

# They used to do it in Prague a lot
in olden times, political plots

# But listen now I'll tell you
how it happened to me

# I once met a man in Spain who
said to me to do a dance

# "Senor, do the fandango or
the window you will go"

# I said, "No, I will
not go out the window no, no, no

# Take those foul palabras
and shove them down your throat. #

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Before I come onto the song uh–my
first observation is

I think it would have been nice

to have had more of your face
in the video.

LAUGHTER

It looked to me like a public
information song from the '70s.

Well, it, it, it's based on
a real event.

Uh, where I met a man who said,

"I'll throw you out of
a window." Uh, and...

Where did you meet this man?
In Prague. Uh, and he said,

"I will defenestrate you",
which is as you know

a very common thing in Prague in
times of political upheaval.

That's how they assassinate people.
Of course, I don't know why

I'm telling you that.
Obsequious. And...

Even during that description of what

the songs about all
I'm looking at is his big head.

It did lean into my big head.
It did make...

I don't think you have got
a big head

but on that video it sort
of, I don't know. Who's next?

OK. There's only one person left.
Munya Chawawa.

# Goodness gracious, big brows in
the mansion, spacious

# Got a posh ting
and her back's bodacious

# Never talks slow,
she's so loquacious

# Real fanatic, go to the gym,
but I'm still an asthmatic

# Crowd goes wild, emphatic

# Money up like cash in the attic

# Jovial

# Alex Horne, that's the homey, yo

# Is that euphoria?

# Is it me or did we just get
hornier?

# I'm on Taskmaster

# I'm like Greg but I rap faster

# And when he raises his specs that
can only mean one thing

# Sex. #

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Um, I think, uh,

it's the most middle class rap
I've ever heard in my life.

What was it about?

You know, it was off
the dome, uh, you know.

It was off the dome?

Me and the homies were chilling
in the back.

We were freestyling, 8-miling.

Real, real Prague smiling. We were.

Yeah, sorry, mate.
I don't think you heard my question.

What was it about?

Can we have some scores?
OK.

I'm not gonna give anyone one point.

It's probably that I'm not straight
enough to appreciate rap

and also I don't know what

the hell Dara was going on about.

So I'm giving Dara
and Munya two points each.

OK.

I felt the same emotion about

the tangerine curry as I did about

# "Me Fern Brady, me Fern Brady. #"

So I'm giving them four points each.

But the one that really
touched me the most,

five points goes to Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

OK, it's time for me to send you
to the stage

for the final task of the show.

APPLAUSE

Who's gonna read out the task?

Uh, Dara O Briain, please.

"Throw your egg and your spoon
the same distance.

"Both egg and spoon must cross
the qualifying line.

"If either your egg or
spoon fall off the 'Knappet',

"you are disqualified.

"The most distanced egg
and spoon each round are out.

"If your egg doesn't break,
your distance is halved.

"Last player standing wins."

So, one at a time, you'll go to
the throwing circle

with an egg and a spoon.

You'll throw them both
over this line.

Each time the person whose egg

and spoon are farthest apart from
each other will be out.

It's Dara to throw first.

O Briain approaches the play zone.

Not a bad throw.
Not a bad throw.

Fern, you're up next. If you could
select an orange egg, please.

Just so you know we're measuring
the egg, not the paint.

Most of the egg has gone over
the qualifying line.

Oh, it's further.

It is further.

John Kearns next, please.

Yellow.

WHISPERS: Kearns.

That is bold.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

It's Munya next.
Green to match him.

I hope this doesn't throw you off,

but one of your eggs does contain
the corpse of Smooth Rupert.

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

Solid.

He has managed to shove the yellow
egg farther away from the spoon.

It's essentially a form of curling.

That is fine, that is fine.

Yeah. Sarah Millican. Blue.

It's been a while since
I've had any eggs.

Thank you for getting
the ovary joke.

Are you going spoon first?

Is that not allowed?

It's allowed.

Great spoon game.

APPLAUSE

Yellow is out.

Sorry, John.

What, I don't get another go?
No.

John, just to show you're out,

would you put your hands on your
chin, please?

There we are.

OK, it's round two.

Remember, if you don't break your
egg, your distance is halved.

In all honesty, Alex, I don't
understand this one at all.

I was asking John the rules earlier

and he's like the
worst person to ask.

AUDIENCE OOHS

AUDIENCE AWS

I think Fern might be in trouble.

That has absolutely
backfired on you.

AUDIENCE AWS

Oh, my god.

You've lost, Sarah,
you've lost, Sarah.

I know.

Round three.

It didn't go beyond
the qualification line.

We've lost Munya Chawawa.

Unlucky, Munya.

And to the gripping finale.

FERN: Dara.

AUDIENCE OOHS

Not bad, not bad.
Lovely, lovely.

This is so much pressure.

That's a nice throw. Here we go.

Oh, fuck.

Dara O Briain is the winner.

CHEERING

Come back down and we'll add that
to your final scores.

Wow. Big wow. High octane.

Yes, poor old John only had one go,
so he gets one point.

Two to Sarah,
three to Munya, four to Fern

but yet again, Dara O Briain,
he's, he's very good at this.

Five points to Dara O Briain.
There it is.

And so to the final scoreboard.

Well, for the first time ever,
all five have the same points.

No nothing like that, no.

We have a winner

and that winner has 22 points,
it's Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Sarah wins.

Please go and visit
your garden of delights.

OK, were off and you're off too.

But first, let's support the winner
of episode four.

One more time, it's Sarah Millican.

CHEERING

INDISTINCT

Subtitles by Red Bee Media