Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 3 - Episode #14.3 - full transcript

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Whaa?

Ah!

Oh! Oh!

Shut up!

Argh!

Argh!

Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies and I'm
a very nice man.

You'll often find me whistling

and skipping down the street,
tra la la la la la!

I may stop, scoop up some abandoned
dog mess,



lead a senior citizen across
the road.

I may restrain an errant youth
and correct his behaviour.

But even nice people need
a release sometimes,

somewhere to let out
supressed anger,

a howl in the night,
a place where darkness can run amok.

Welcome to Taskmaster!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And the very best of luck to...
Dara O Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fern Brady.

John Kearns.

Munya Chawawa.

And Sarah Millican.

And to my left, a man who told me in
confidence he's scared



of three things - slugs,

small spaces
and women being allowed to vote.

LAUGHTER

Little Alex Horne!

APPLAUSE

Prize task time.
Yes, it is

and it's something we all think
about once a week

because you've asked them this week
to bring in

the thing that you most want on
a Sunday morning.

Ooh. Yes,

I didn't have to think too long
about this one. You know...

So Greg will give
a big five to his fave

and then at the end of the show
the person with the most points

will take home all the ingredients
for a perfect Sunday morning. OK?

Yes. Good. Hello, Sarah.

What's your perfect thing for
a Sunday morning?

Well, I stay in hotels a lot on tour

and people in hotels think you
should be up at eight o'clock -

cos they're dicks.

And I always have a "do not disturb"
sign on my door in a hotel.

I never want my room cleaned cos I'm
quite a dirty person.

So I've brought my own
"do not disturb" sign.

There it is.
That's the first prize on offer.

I think there's nothing more
aggressive than

a do not disturb sign that doesn't
match everybody else's

do not disturb sign. Wow.

Hmm. I can't tell if
the bar is high or low.

Well, the rage is what I enjoyed.

Oh, you always do, yeah.

Well, we're moving onto
John now who's come last in

the last two ones of these.
Hello, John.

The very best of luck to you.

Thank you. It's a business card.

Oh...

LAUGHTER

Oh, and Fern's next, is she?

Do you want to see?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It says "Know what you want

and have the confidence to go
after it." Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Look if you're walking down
the street

and someone gave you that... Yeah.
That, you know...

Hello, yes, bang.

Know what you want and have the
confidence to go after it.

A, you're keeping that for
the rest of your life

and it's also, it's all you're
thinking about all day.

I would like it, I think, if someone
gave me that.

Yeah, look, everyone reading that

know what you want, so that's
tricky, but...

Yeah, and then have
the confidence to go after it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, we've read it.

Um, Fern what have you brought in?

It's my favourite breakfast soup.

This is her favourite breakfast
soup. Lovely.

It's like a savoury tofu pudding,
that people have in China.

I think Alex has some.

Here you are. There's the slop. Yes.
Try it.

Try it?

IN MANDARIN: Please eat.

Well, obviously.

Oh.

Fishy. It's very spicy
and quite crunchy. Can I try some?

Yes, please do.
Oh, my God.

Greg, I thought you weren't going to
try it, cos aren't you from

Shrewsbury or something?

LAUGHTER

You seem like you just eat roasts.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God, yeah. That is...

It is, isn't it?
Tastes like a farmyard.

Well, you'd like that, cos
of where you're from.

It's the flavour
of hopelessness.

Um, Munya.

Hello. I have brought in
the Super Grater 3000.

Yes, here it is. The Super Grater.

Oh, my God!

He's grabbed
a grater on his way out the house.

It's not, it's not a grater.

This thing here is essentially
a cheese grater of the foot.

Ugh!

It can be used on wet and dry feet.

I mean, it's one of
the bleakest images...

It's the bleakest image

I've had since I imaged sharing
breakfast with Fern.

All right, Dara.

This should be
a piece of piss, I imagine?

I brought in a massive segmented
frying pan. And here it is.

I find, look, that's supposed

to be doing, you know, rashers in
one place,

eggs in another, beans in another.

I'm sorry, Dara,

are you under the impression
I haven't got one of these?

I've got one.

I find, often even on something like
a lighter breakfast, I like

a little bit of fresh food.

Got some pineapples, cereal, er...

I'm aware as well that any time
you do anything on television

that looks like you've wasted food,

people get very angry about that,
like it should be noted that

the pineapple and
the yoghurt go back in the fridge.

The bagel went back in
the bread basket.

The kids ate the Cheerios

and then, to get rid of
the orange juice, I got a straw

so that we weren't wasting any food
at any stage.

Oh, it was you that sucked it up?

It wasn't that old man?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Um, all right, then. Ready?

Uh, yes, right. Where we starting?
One?

You know where were starting. We're
starting with old smooth feet.

Ooh.

Who's that?

Is that his actual nickname?

LAUGHTER

I...I'm giving–poor old
Munya one point.

OK. Munya, one point, well done.

Sarah's rage delighted me.

Oh, God, it's between Sarah
and the Chinese soup.

For the sake of hotel staff,
I'm going to give her two points.

OK, two to Sarah.

Yeah, unbelievably, that soup gets
three points.

I mean...

Now, this is where things
get controversial.

The truth is, if someone gave me
that business card in

the street I honestly think it would
make my day. What?

So, against all odds

and it just shows you how deeply
unfair this show is...

LAUGHTER

..I'm giving John Kearns five points
and I'll stand by it.

Right, so it's four points to Dara
O Briain

but five huh, to John Kearns.
There it is!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Very good. All right,

my furry chum, what's next on
the agenda?

Well, it's a gritty team task, Greg.

Hello, Sarah.
Hi, Alex. Hello, Munya. Hi, Alex.

Hello, Fern. Hiya.

Fern, wait for your team.

Oh, sorry! Did I shut
the door on them?

Yeah.
I'm not really a team player.

Secure the perimeter.

Place half your hands on half
your hips...

..and leave them there until

the second part of
the task is over. Also...

..the hands that are on hips
must only touch those hips...

..until the second part of
the task is over.

We've to touch each other?

You can touch each other.

You have two minutes.

Read it again.
Yeah, I need to...

Place half your hands. So one hand
on one hip. On half your hips.

I don't understand this!
I thought it meant half of my hand.

Yeah, but collectively.

And leave them there until
the second part of

the task is over.
So, until it's done.

Depending what the task is, we might
be making it very difficult

for ourselves by all having one hand
where it could be much easier if

one person to have two hands.

We should keep one pair
of hands free.

Oh! Oh, you're so good at this!

I think your time starts now.

Like a conga?
Are we congaing this, right?

So do you wanna conga me?
I'll conga you!

OK, fine. You have my consent. Yeah?
There we go.

I have your consent!
Yeah, my hips are unhanded.

And my hips are definitely
being handled.
WHISTLE BLOWS

At the moment there are four hands
on four hips.

Yes, take your hand...that hand is
free.

One hand on your hip. And Dara still
has both hands on...no!

Take the hand off her!

My hands are here.

ALEX: You're fine, John.
So that hand's on that hip.

FERN: I thought...I didn't
understand it

but John really doesn't
understand it!

I do understand it! With your hands
on those hips at all times, put

the most sand in
the shopping trolley.

You may only move

the shopping trolley when there is
one minute left on

the clock. Oh, my God.
You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now.

So where is the sand?

Exactly. Where is the sand?

Right, let's go look for the sand.

OK, we got to go look
for it. OK.

John, don't put your...

You can only have one hand on my
hip.

How do you not understand that?
Sorry.

APPLAUSE

Team of three,
talk me through your tactics.

DARA SIGHS

We got the idea, hands have
to be on hips.

Yeah, absolutely.

But we forgot that they could just
be our own hips... Yeah.

And that was probably
the most obvious thing to do, just

for one person to stand like that
for the entire task.

For some reason we, we felt that we
should human-centipede it.

LAUGHTER

But I think the fact that we all
didn't realise that we could just

have one person doing that

means that maybe the task
wasn't that well written.

Yeah.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Well, listen I don't write them,
so...

We were hoping for one of
the teams to be stupid enough

to put their hands
on each other's hips

but we weren't expecting everyone...
SARAH LAUGHS

It felt like it was more of
a team when we were together.

Yeah, we did both.
It was divide and conga.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wow.

OK. Do you want to carry on? Yes.
Do you want a couple of minutes?

No, go to VT.
Are you sure?

Go to VT. OK.

Well, we're gonna see
the Team Of Two first of all,

so here's how Sarah
and Munya got on.

It's really hard
to not do da-da, da, da, da, da, da.

Hey. You may only move the shopping
trolley when there's

one minute left on the clock.

We need to get the
trolley sand-proofed

so it doesn't all leak out.

They've got rid of all the buckets.

There you go.

Right, so I'm gonna scoop.

Good work!

One pot's not gonna be enough,
is it?

Open your legs,
cos I need to swing this.

SHE LAUGHS

Just slide it in, yeah? Yeah.

Yeah, cos the thing is,
sometimes I lose my head.

How many minutes have we got left,
Alex?

Two minutes and 48.
Two minutes? OK. Shit. And 48.

I'm gonna double-quick. Yeah.
Left around. Don't let me go.

No, not letting you go.

Argh! Oh, are you all right?

I crushed my fingers. Keep going.

You're such a hero. You've got
one minute and 50 seconds.

We're gonna have to really run
for the trolley, you know.
Yeah, good work.

Count us down when it's ten, yeah?

OK.
As in one minute ten.

It's now one minute ten.

Let's get to the trolley.
Ready? Go, go.

Go, go, go!

Good, good,
good, good, good.

OK.

Argh!

Go, go, go! Go, go!

Whoa!

Are you all right?

How long? 25 seconds.

OK, let's get it.
You get in first.

Oh!

Hold that open.

How long?

How long?
WHISTLE BLOWS

Ah, shit!

You didn't even count us down.

You didn't even count down.
I said count at ten.

One minute ten, you said.

Oh, no! So close.

You've got one bucket in.

Can I let go now? It's up to you.

APPLAUSE

I would have liked a separate camera
just on Sarah

and her contribution to the task,
which was this...

I had a lovely time.

It was sort of permission
to touch someone. Yeah.

It's nice.

Munya said you could be more
rough with his hips.

LAUGHTER

Next... Well, actually,
before we see the Team Of Three,

one of them would like me to play
a different video first.

Mm-hm. So I'm gonna show you this.
OK.

Hi, John.

Hiya. You OK?

Er, yeah.

TINKLING MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHING: Oh, God, what the fuck
are you doing?

Sh!

Oh, man!

Sabotage your team...

What?!

..in the next task.

If your team loses the task,
you win five points.

If your team wins the task,

you win zero points.

If your team accuses you
of sabotaging the task..

WHEEZING LAUGH:
..you win zero points.

So, the only way you win is if you
lose.

You understand?

Yeah, well, I do understand, sadly.

That's... Do you know what?
That's nasty.

Well, I'll let you think about that
for a bit, John.

Oh, man.
Good luck.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, dear.

He's not even making eye contact
with us now,

and this feels like one of your
relatives have been talking

to the FBI about you and then just
silently lifts up their T-shirt

and there's a microphone pack
on their body.

Yeah, can I say, it's actually
kind of a relief,

cos at the time I thought
he was an IDIOT.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, fucking hell.

John's been sitting on this
for four months now.

You had such a go at me.

We're set for something special
here, aren't we?

Yeah, but were gonna go to...
I know, were gonna go to a break.

I mean, when you come back,
there'll be four chairs.

OK, I've been working on
a new end-of-part link for you,

and here it is.

BYE!

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back
to Taskmaster,

where a solo sabotage task
has been set.

Yes, it's true. John Kearns was
given a secret task by me

in a really cool, underhand
sort of way.

The legit team task is to get
the most sand into

the shopping trolley while they have
half their hands on

half their hips. If John's team
loses the task,

John will win five fat points
all to himself,

but if his team wins,
he gets nothing.

If you're Dara and Fern,
it's pretty cruel.

If you're everyone else watching,
it's pretty exciting.

So, here's how the
Team Of Three got on.

How fast do you want me to walk?

I'd say faster than this.

OK, well, I... It's in case...

Dafty in the middle.

Er...
We need containers.

Is there a bucket,
a bucket or something?

Eight minutes.

Hold on, John.

Just move up nearer to my arse.

You're crouching, you're crouching.

You're just spreading it around.
No, no, no.

Right, there's the pack of sand.

There's so many better ways we could
have done this.

I mean, that's the one thing
I have here, is time to reflect.

I wouldn't complain, Dara,
I think just...

You're doing a lot of complaining

and I'm doing a lot of
the labour here.

Honestly, you're both doing
a brilliant job there.

I'm just reflecting.

There's a much better way of
doing... John!

Why did you do that?

Oh, my God, did you knock it over?
Why did you do that?!

It goes back on, look.

OK. OK. Sorry, Fern.

What if we get one
of these plant pots?

Get that bucket over there,
yeah. How long's left?

This is very...
You're got four minutes 20.

Oh, brilliant.
This is the best plan.

Hold on, John.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You coming in? Yeah.

Here we go.

How you doing, Dara?

I mean, I would sooner not be in
this exact position

for the entire task. Oh...

Oh, hang on, watch the bucket,
it's sat behind me.

I don't wanna knock over
the bucket of sand.

You have to go that way,
you have to go that way.

John, you have to go that way.
John, you have to go that way.

Well, I don't wanna knock over...
You don't wanna knock it over.
No, no, no.

John, be really careful because
you're... There we go.

Where, where, where, where's the,
er...

Careful, careful. Careful,
Careful, careful, careful!

Oh, my God, we almost lost the hat.
Again.

Right, another bucket.
Quick, another bucket.

I don't know if there's time,
you know.

I think we should just make our
way back. We've got time!

Hold on, John!

Under the rope, under the rope!

Ah, fuck's sake.

There's a hole in the bucket.

Oh, no.

I think we should just go back.

I just wanna get...

We can't move it until at the one
minute bell strikes.

How long?
You've now got one minute.

One minute. Can we move it?
Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right, come on, come on, come on.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

See, this is when it all pays off.

Do we have to put it back anywhere?
No, you don't have to move it back.

All the information's on the task
there, John.

WHEEZING LAUGHTER

20 seconds, John.

When there is one minute left on
the clock...

Put the, put the hat... Put the...
Sorry.

Touch me.
Put that in there.

What? No, what are you doing?
It has to be in the trolley.

It's just in the trolley. Oh, I
thought it had to be in one thing.

No. Ten seconds.

It says it has to be in one.
No it doesn't say... What? Does it?

Yeah, yeah.
Wait, does it say that?

Does it say that? It does!

John, you idiot. We've been
fucking robbed.

John!

Yeah, that's your time up.

Why did you do that?

John just went mad.

No, no, no, no, no.
I dug that for ages.

You threw all the sand out.

There's so much fucking sand
in there.

John, don't. Don't do more.
Please.

You've just thrown all the sand out.

I don't believe you threw out
all the sand. Oh...

I don't, I don't know, I don't know.

I don't know where to start.

Fern had already called you "Dafty
in the middle",

before the task sabotage even
started.

LAUGHTER

When he turned the hat upside down
and just started laughing...

LAUGHTER

..and you just both went, "What are
you doing?"

I did so much work.

I did most of the work in that task,

and then, the whole time, Dara was
just barking orders from the back,

while John just mischievously did
stuff in the middle... Yeah!

..so I felt like I did the most
there.

You were really industrious

and I hope this pans out that you do
get some points and John doesn't.

I admit that I'm a bit worried,

because although, you know, I got
rid of the hat and that long tube,

we both had one bucket of sand.

Yeah, its close, it's very close.

What do the scales say, baby?

So, if the team of three win, John
loses.

If the team of two wins, John wins.
Yep.

The team of two got 21kg of sand.
21kg.

How are you feeling?

Hopeful.

I'll wait till you've finished the
rest of the sentence.

LAUGHTER

So, the team of three put in 20...

Oh!

..point 9kg.

THEY GROAN

Some of it fell through the bottom
of the thing cos you...

Did you scoop it off the...the slats
of the...of the trolley?

The slats were very thin. There was
not a lot of sand on the slats.

LAUGHTER

So, there it is. So, what does that
do points-wise?

Well, it means, unfortunately, Dara
and Fern don't get any points

but all three - Sarah, Munya
and John get five points.

There it is.

APPLAUSE

Sometimes, dirty deeds pay.

Let's have a scoreboard, please,
Horne.

OK, I've got the scoreboard right
here

and John is having his best ever
episode by miles.

He's in the lead with ten points.

APPLAUSE

Very good. Another task, please,
little dolly.

Right you are. And let's all scream
for ice cream!

Look what I made you.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Ooh!

LAUGHTER

Ooh!

Mm. Goddamn! What's been going on
in this room?

Oh, ice cream.

You like ice cream?

I like some ice creams.

Some of it looks gross.

Identify the ice cream flavours.

SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

The most correct ice cream flavours
identified wins.

You have ten minutes.

And you must find every flavour
delicious.

Delicious?

Delicious!

That's...controlling.

LAUGHTER

Your time starts, now.

Alex, I'm on a no-sugar diet.

You lot have done me dirty cos
you've picked my one weakness.

You want me to break my diet?

Will it have an instant effect on
your body?

Then, I'd love to see it.

LAUGHTER

It's very important to find each
flavour delicious. Mm.

And there maybe more than one
flavour in all of them, in fact.

What are you talking about?

LAUGHTER

Right, so, I've got ten minutes to
identify ice cream,

not even tasting them.

What is the sauce?

What is it? Yes, what is it?

APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER

I thought Fern sounded like she was
in a kebab shop

at 3am in the morning. Oh, I know.
Play out?

Yeah, I can play that sound. Here we
go.

What is the sauce?

What is it?

I'm sorry to say I just have the
voice of a drunk person.

LAUGHTER

What's going on with this sugar
thing, then, Munya,

before I start judging you?

You see the thing is, yeah,

the dentist told me I was 1mm away
from a root canal.

Oh, my God, I'm going to penalise
you so heavily.

No!

Please, please! You want to see
some? Yeah!

OK, we're going to start with three
of them first -

Sarah, Munya and Fernya. Here we go.

Mm... This one looks like it's going
to be poo-flavoured.

You must find it delicious, please.

Oh, that's very nice.

LAUGHTER

What the fuck is that?

That's a bit salty, that is. Mm.

Wait. So, I can eat this.

I know what it is but I know what it
is.

Dog biscuits.

Argh, that's dog food, isn't it?

That's dog food.

Crisps, innit?

Mm, delicious.

That is fucking vile.

Right, next one...

Is it curry powder? OK.

Tandoori ice cream.

Coronation Chicken, innit?

This one...

Oh, wow!

Wowzers.

Oof!

Just smells of nothing.

Chilli and...

..let's go mango.

How about mash ice cream cos it's
got the consistency of mash?

Some sort of Mexican flavour.

I've been doing really well, so far.

Mm.

Cream flavour!

Cream flavour ice cream?

Uh-oh.

Is there something else?

Oh, is it breast milk?

Coconut liquorice.

That sounds nice.

I think it's vanilla. I think it's a
curveball.

White chocolate and breast milk. Mm!

Cos that is a thing.

I don't do olives. Tiny, shitty
grapes.

You've only got one and a half
minutes. Oh, go to hell.

I'm just going to have the green
stuff.

You must find each flavour
delicious.

LAUGHTER

Olive green smoothie. That's
my...that's my answer.

Oh, I've been excited about this
one. The last one.

I've never said, "That's vile",
before and gone in for more.

Also, you have to say it's
delicious.

Oh, sorry! That's northern for
delicious.

Petrol or something.

Maybe something cheesy? OK.

Fucking salt and petrol or
something.

Urgh. Please, find it delicious.

Urgh!

It's so horrible!

WHISTLE BLOWS

You can stop now.

Urgh!

APPLAUSE

I mean, on reflection,

you sounded like you were in a kebab
house throughout.

This whole thing, I don't know how
to...

Whether I'm going to penalise people

because you were supposed to make
out it was delicious throughout.

Sarah, the very first thing you said
after tasted one is, and I quote,

"What the fuck is that?"

LAUGHTER

Like, "Ooh, what the fuck is that?
Mm."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Munya, you appeared to be trying to
smell flavours

to avoid a solitary filling.

I think it's more of an achievement
to have snorted ice cream

cos I got that one right, didn't I?

There were ten flavours, there. You
got one of the ten.

Shall I tell you what the actual
flavours were? Please.

The dog food one, they thought was
dog food was marmite and porridge.

Then, we had curry and naan bread.

We've accepted most of their curry
answers.

Cornflakes and chilli. Most of them
got chilli.

Then, we had white chocolate and
macaroni cheese,

and then, the petrol one was
bechamel sauce

and Brussels sprout puree.

Bechamel, beautiful, beautiful.

So, out of them, Munya only got one
flavour,

Sarah - two, Fern - three of the
flavours.

Does something cheesy not count as
macaroni cheese?

No.

LAUGHTER

All right, it's the end of Part Two.

Now, tell him to get his hands out
of his pyjama bottoms

and go and make you a cup of tea.

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, hello!

Welcome back to Part Three of
Taskmaster. Where were we, Alex?

Oh, I'm so sorry, I appear to have
gone all coy.

I'm back! Ice cream flavour
identification,

that's where we were, and now, for
the final two, it's John and Dara.

This is going to be rancid.

Oh, it's very nice.

Delicious.

I mean, that's like white chocolate.

Is it white chocolate?

OK, white chocolate... There's bits
in that, there's bits.

Right, tell me about the bits.

Marshmallow.

Oh, a delicious kick off that.

LAUGHTER

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Would you like a glass of water?
Oh, yeah.

Delicious water coming up. Mm!

Sweet Jesus.

Oh!

HE LAUGHS

Chilli. Sounds nice.

It's not just nice, it's delicious.

This thing's driving me crazy.

LAUGHTER

Wasabi maybe?

Wasabi.

Wasabi?

It's curry.

Tikka Masala.

OK, we're in the last 45 seconds.

WHISPERS: It's delicious.

LAUGHTER

There might be more than one
flavour in...

Yeah, no, I think you've really
gone to town here. Mm.

Yeah, it's Marmite.

Marmite. OK.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Delicious. Oh, it was delicious.
What a treat!

Well, I must commend both gentlemen

for making an effort with the
deliciousness. Thank you.

The first contestants so far to
pretend they liked it.

I particularly enjoyed Dara's,
"There's a delicious kick off that."

LAUGHTER

And you both did some great
face-acting as well.

That was not acting. That was a
genuine human response

to my body wanting to expel what I
just put into it.

LAUGHTER

They seemed pretty good, though.

Well, they both got the Marmite,
which was very pleasing.

They both got curry and white
chocolate.

But Dara got one extra cos he got
the chilli as well.

So, it means that Munya only gets
the one point, then.

Sarah gets two points,

John and Fern come joint second,
having guessed three flavours,

so they get four points each.

But the winner of this task is
Dara O Briain. He gets five points.

APPLAUSE

Next task, please.

OK. Ready? Catch!

What up, my slime?

Ah! What up?

Hello. Oh, hello, Fern.

Catch something.

Catch something.

The most spectacular catch wins.

You have 20 minutes.

Time starts, now.

Has anybody got Covid, no? No, I
don't have Covid.

Have you got any sort of infectious
diseases?

I had appendicitis, when I was
eight.

Oh.

I remember catching something, when
I was a kid.

My dad kicked an American football
in the air.

I really remember...

..catching it.

Are you good at catching?

Yeah, if I can see the thing coming.

But how much better and more
spectacular would it be,

if I couldn't see it coming?

Oh, my God! So, my first thought is
just illnesses

but I just don't think any of us
have got time.

So, first things first, I need a
ball.

I'm just going to find a ball, Alex,
OK? OK.

You stay right there, my slime.

What do you catch?

You catch a fish.

But everyone's going to say catch a
fish.

What could I catch? Nothing's alive
in here.

You don't want to go outside and
just catch things?

What would I catch outside, the
birds?

Uh, I wouldn't worry about animals.

People?

Kidnap?

LAUGHTER

Also, whenever there's one of these,
you have to do it.

HORN TOOTS

SHE MIMICS THE HORN

Mine's better. Mine's always better.

It's shit.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, your first three instincts of
what you could catch, Fern,

are a fish, a bird, people.

Yes.

I thought that was all obvious
things to say.

John, do you want to tell us more
about the moving story

from your youth, before we crack on?

LAUGHTER

Honestly, it's...it's a vivid
childhood memory

that I caught it and I kept on
running.

LAUGHTER

And you've not...you've not seen any
of your family since.

Let's see some spectacular catches.

Fine. Yes, it's a simple task - most
spectacular catch wins.

We're going to start with Mun and
Jun. Here we go.

Alex...

..how good are you at throwing?

Pretty good.

Well, I was thinking of maybe
punting it over the house,

and then, running around and
catching it.

I'm going to sit on Greg's shoulders

and you're going to go all the way
to the other side of the house

and throw the ball into my bucket,
yeah?

Yes.

Right then...

Throw it!

Oh, no.

Alex, more power!

More power.

Right, I've just got to go high.

Oh, dear.

No, Alex. Come on!

ALEX GROANS

No, and again!

More power! Oh, fuck!

Don't swear at me, Alex.

HE GROANS

Go on, go on!

Oh, fuck!

The problem is I'm not around here,
when it lands.

LAUGHTER

No! My arm hurts.

Everyone watching this right now
thinks we can't do it.

I don't think we can do it.

But that's what's going to make it
impressive, right?

Let me see that fire. Go on, let's
say, "Argh!" Argh.

No, listen to me, again, you're half
holding back.

I want you to just go argh! I'm
cold. My shoulder hurts.

Argh.

Argh!

Yes, nearly, Alex. One more!

Oh, that's the way to go, though.

Yeah! Oh, Alex, we nearly had it!

AUDIENCE GROANS

One more, one more!

ALEX GROANS

Yeah! Oh, no!

WHISPERS: Oh, shit.

Go on.

Well, something's happened.

Something's fucking happened!

APPLAUSE

I caught one. I'll take that.

This is my last ball.

Are you ready?

Yeah! OK, here we go, Munya.

WHISPERS: Come on.

Argh!

Did you catch it? Nooo!

APPLAUSE

What was it you said, when Munya
quite reasonably asked you

to put more power into your throw?

I don't know, what did I say?

I'll tell you what you said. Right.

You whispered to yourself, "Fuck
sake."

LAUGHTER

13 series and that's the first time
you've ever sworn. First time, yeah.

Well, how do you think that made
Munya...

Look at Munya's face, now. Yeah.

He's only 21 or something.

First time...first time I've ever
sworn.

John, this is what I wrote down -

"When I was at primary school there
was a boy called Morgan,

"who got sent home one day

"because he tried to eat the hood
off his own coat."

LAUGHTER

Throughout that task, you reminded
me of Morgan.

OK, next up, like all of us, she's
scared of fires.

Yes, it's Bern Afrady.

Oh, lovely.

20 minutes, 20 minutes.

I caught a falling star.

I know. Powered only by turquoise
fart.

LAUGHTER

Yes.

Greg, I thought I'd show a little
making of video,

so we can all admire the effort that
Fern put into hers.

FERN GROANS

OK, let's have a break.

When we return, the high-octane
action continues

and someone wins a dry skin foot
scraper.

HE GASPS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Oh, no! Oh, yes! It's the final part
of the show

and the current task involves
catching.

Recap, Alex.

It's a simple task - most
spectacular catch wins.

We've had some classic catching and
some CGI catching, so far.

Next up, it's not the mayor of
silicon.

No, It's Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE

Pretty clever.

She caught fire. Enchanting.

I...I got it. Yeah, sorry.

I particularly liked the...

HE BLOWS

Yeah. ..the romance of that with
this twat in the background.

Yeah, I wasn't sure he was going to
be in the actual edit.

Oh, really?

I thought it was supposed to look
like I was blowing it out.

It did sort of mess with the romance
of it a little bit, didn't it?

I really enjoyed... I'd never used a
fire extinguisher before.

I now use them all the time.

Last one? Last one, yes.

Finally, it's the date of birth
himself, DOB, Dara O Briain.

Oh!

Wait there, little one. You wait
there.

I will close the door.

Oh, my baby!

No!

What is happening to my baby?!

Who will save my baby?!

Nooo!

Will somebody catch my baby?!

Ooh!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Dara, it was a hauntingly beautiful
tale.

All that we need to do is to give
the film a title

and then we can move on
and give some points out.

Well, obviously Ooh, My Baby.

Ooh, My Baby it is. Right.
Here come some points.

Yes. Do you wanna do the
least-spectacular catch first? Yeah,
course, and I feel sorry for him

because he really did try,

but someone didn't put enough power

into their fucking throws,
did they?

Fuck's sake. So...

It's not right
hearing him swear, is it?

No. Feels wrong.
He didn't actually do any catches.

No, but give the boy a point,
for God's sake.

Please. OK, so one point to
Munya Chawawa. Yes. OK.

Amazingly, getting two points just
because there was

a catch involved,
John gets two points.

Well done, John. Three points -

and I blame you for this as well,

because if you'd been
airbrush CGI'd out of it

and I could have just seen
her hauntingly blowing

the flames out, then she might
have been up higher.

So three points - your fault.

Yep, good, good, good.
Three to Sarah.

Four points for the disturbing

and yet comforting film

of a woman who plucked

a star from the sky... Lovely.

..under the power of her own
flatulence go to Fern,

and finally... how could Ooh,
My Baby get

anything than a deserved
five points?

Five points to Dara O Briain.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Please stay where you are while Alex

and I head to the stage...
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

..for the final task of the show.

Hello. Who will read the task?

John Kearns, the leader.

And a liar.

"Predict whether an item will create
a higher or lower number of decibels

"than the previous item.

"If you are wrong, you are out.

"Last player standing wins."

Yes, so, very simply,

Greg is gonna make a noise.

I am. He's then gonna tell you what
he's gonna do with the next one,

and you have to predict whether that
noise is gonna be louder or quieter

than the previous noise.

You have paddles there
with "higher" or "lower" on.

If you're wrong, you're out, unless
all of you are wrong, and then

we'll move onto the next one.
But once you're out, you're out.

It's a rip-off of
Play Your Cards Right.

So were going to start off with
the opening noise.

A simple horn.

Sarah, would you like
to do yours before I commence?

IMITATES HORN PARPING
Thank you.

And now the horn proper.

And that is 107 decibels. 107.

And now were in gameplay.

CHUCKLING

This noise is going to be
a packet of cereal landing on a bar.

Will that be higher or lower
than 107 decibels?

Have a think.

Please reveal your guesses now.

OK, we have three highers,
two lowers.

We're going to lose some people
here. Some people are going out.

John and Sarah think lower,
the rest think higher.

Are you ready, Greg?

MURMURING
That's got to be louder.

Real problems cos I didn't press
the right button on the...

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

This is to beat 107 decibels.

Tell me to release the cereal.

Release the cereal.

It's 101.9 decibels.

GASPING

It's already down to two people.

The lowers are John Kearns
and Sarah Millican.

This time Greg is going
to attack the marbles with

an electric toothbrush?

It's an electric toothbrush,
and I'll be thrusting it

in and out of marbles
in a regulation manner.

OK, so do you think that's gonna be
higher or lower than

the release of cereal onto a bar?

Are you gonna be jabbing
or are you gonna be rolling?

I'm sorry, John, I did say

I'd be thrusting it
in and out of the marbles

in a regulation manner.

So will it be higher or lower
than 101.9?

Please release your paddles now.

Ooh, this is going to be the end of
the task!

Oh, we're going to get ourselves...

We've got a higher and lower, and if
this is lower than 101.9,

then Sarah Millican wins. If it's
higher than 101.9,

John Kearns, the unlikely candidate,
wins.

Let's dance.

BUZZING
The brush is on.

Let the thrust commence.

You did what you said you were
gonna do.

And that was

90.7 decibels, which means the
winner - already -

is Sarah Millican.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
There it is.

Let's go back down and see how
that's affected the final scores.

The points for that one, we have
three people in joint third.

That was, of course,
Dara, Munya and Fern.

They all get three points each.

Four points for second place
was John,

just behind Sarah Millican,
who gets five points.

So... It's John Kearns in the lead,
with 20 points! Well done, John.

CHEERING

Wow! What?! John Kearns wins!

Please go and surround yourself
with your Sunday funday prizes.

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that if you find
yourself on a night out

with your friends, and you've had
a little too much to drink

and you're feeling peckish, before
you pop that late-night snack

into your mouth, don't forget
to ask yourself...

FERN: What is the sauce?!
What IS that?!

This episode is over but I want you
to all go to bed

thinking about tonight's winner.

Unbelievably, it is John Kearns!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Subtitles by: Red Bee Media