Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 2 - Episode #14.2 - full transcript

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What?!

Ah!
SHE GASPS

Up!

No!

Shut up!

Argh!

What? Ah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to Taskmaster.

I'm Greg Davies
and I am the Taskmaster,

and I mean the real one,



not the comic book villain
that pops up when you google me.

We've both got our skills.

He can mimic any fighting style

and I can take down

an 18-inch pizza in one
by unhooking my jaw

like a mighty human snake.

Mm! Ssss! Delicious.

And I'm the only Taskmaster
that wields power

over trophy-hungry comedians.

They are my fantastic five
and they are ready to save

the world by being rubbish at tasks.

So please welcome Dara O Briain,

Fern Brady,

John Kearns,



Munya Chawawa

and Sarah Millican.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And next to me
is someone who I can be

a little bit cruel to,

but at the end of the day I'm proud
to call my best friend.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

It's Trunky, the naughty elephant.

Love you, Trunky!

And next to him,
a wretched hairy weasel.

Little Alex Horne!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, everyone.

What we gonna chat about this week?
Well, I've got a really funny story.

Mm.

You wanna hear it? Yeah.

Well, yesterday,
I, erm, I got a piggy back.

Yep.

Cos I'd lent...I'd lent my piggy
to my uncle,

and then...and then he gave...gave
it back to me.

Gave you your piggy back.
So I got my piggy back.

It's a funny story.

LAUGHTER
Prize Task, then.

What's the category?
I'll tell you, Alex.

It's the best thing you nearly keep
throwing away

but can't quite bring yourself to.

I'll give five points
for the best one,

and the winner
of the episode will get

to take them all home
and keep them all forever,

and that is how replaceable
you are.

Munya.

I have brought in
my first-ever house plant.

Oh, that bodes badly. Go on.

So as we know, a house plant is

a good metric of how much
of an adult you are.

You know, if you can keep a plant,
you can keep a puppy.

If you can keep a puppy,
you can keep a child.

You know, it's like
the Royal Marines advert.

So...

I said to myself,
if I can keep this alive,

I'm gonna be a better man.

So I spent 40 quid,
I named him Young Pablo.

He died after a week.

I realised that,
kind of like your nan,

if you move it about
every once in a while,

give it a bit of water,
it won't completely die.

So, what I have managed to do

is keep Young Pablo alive

for five years,
but on the brink of death.

Would you like to see
Young Pablo now?

Someone is going to win this.

LAUGHTER

Not a bad prize on a quiz.

It bodes well
for your...for your future children.

LAUGHTER

Dara, can you beat a plant
that's barely alive?

Yeah, I can give you
a thing that should be alive,

but is now dead.

And is a section of my leg.

AUDIENCE OOHS

They're impressed.
What do you mean?

Part of my leg broke off
during a football match

and had to be removed,

and then they give it to you.

A part of your leg
just snapped off?

It broke off and then,
cos I'm nails,

I pushed it back in again
and carried on playing.

It's made my balls go up
inside myself.

Ah, do you want me to...?
No, no, no.

Let's have a look at
a bit of Dara's bone.

There you go.

AUDIENCE: Oh! Strong Dara.

By the way, I've kept my tonsils.
People do.

Yeah? Yeah, they're still
in my...in my throat.

Um... Fern.

Uh...I want my house

to look like something
out of architectural digest,

and my boyfriend wants it

to look like something
out of Steptoe And Son.

So it's this dirty,
disgusting tankard

and he uses it to keep
toothbrushes inside.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I have tried to sort of
sneakily throw it out before.

So if you do badly,
I'm...I'm doing you a favour?

Yeah, what happens if I do badly,
do you take it away from me?

It means that if you do badly,

someone else gets to win it
and keep it now.

Yes, let's do that.

John.

I brought in
Ulysses by James Joyce.

I've had that for about 20 years.
Never read it.

Do you think, tonally,
you've got this wrong?

No, because it's the best piece
of literature ever written,

so it's one of the best things
I've ever...seen.

But I have ambition...to read it.
So, I'll never throw it out.

I think I'm surprised cos I'm
expecting there to be a twist.

Well, there might be,
I haven't read it. I don't know.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Sarah? Hi.

Can you definitely beat
John's book?

I don't know.
That's up to you to decide.

I already have.

LAUGHTER

It's my husbands' zombie.

Here it is.

AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

It's 6ft tall

and frightens the shit out of me

twice a week, maybe.

It's awful. Please take it away.

Maybe you could clear a little room
and let that be his special room?

It is in a special room. Oh.

It's called the zombie room.

So it's hard to throw her away
when she's in her own room.

Well, Greg there's quite

a haul of prizes tonight
for someone.

Do you want me to go from John
upwards, or the other way?

Second book in a row, second
one point in a row - hello, John.
Yeah, yeah.

I feel pretty much the same
about a mug and a zombie.

Three points each.

OK. Three points each
to Fern and Sarah. That's right.

And now I jump up...
Unbelievably, I'm putting

a half dead plant in second place

just cos I liked all the flannel
that went with it.

And if anyone brings part of their
body that just fell off them in,

I mean, for sympathy more than
anything, they get five points.

Five points to Dara O Briain.
There it is!

APPLAUSE

Right, what's lined up
for the first task, Alex?

Well, Greg, it's only
the king of all stationery items.

Shall we say it together?

Yes. One two three.

BOTH: A laminator!

Can you see me?
Yeah, there you are.

I feel like we should do like
an action movie intro.

What do you think? Yes, please.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

What did I miss?

Hello, Munya. Don't say that.

Say something like, you know,
I'm glad you're here or something.

I'm glad you're here.

Oh!

Print laminate and distribute
the most signs.

Each of your signs must be placed
on a different seat.

And all your signs must have
a different instruction.

You have 20 minutes.
And your time starts now.

How long does it take
to laminate a sign?

What size does the sign have to be?

Is there a standard size
for laminated signs?

I used to work in my dad's office,

and he docked some of my wages
cos he had a laminating machine,

and I laminated love letters
to my ex-boyfriend. Good times.

Fern, it feels like
I probably shouldn't ask,

but why were you laminating letters
to your ex-boyfriend?

They were love letters,

and by laminating it,

I felt like it showed that
I really meant what I was saying.

Yeah. I mean, I-I agree.

My family moto is
print, laminate, distribute.

OK, let's go.

Let's see. OK, well, first up,
it's Fern, John and Dara.

So start off with a simple one.

Don't sit down.

Turn your phone to silent.

I mean anything's an instruction,
isn't it?

It's just a blank-headed document.

Now the document's gone
to tiny font.

This is... What? What?

It's quite nice to look
at fonts now and then.

Yep. What font have you gone for?

I've always liked Georgia.

Where's print? Um... Is there a
picture of a printer somewhere?

Is there... Is that
how these things work?

You're looking for a picture
of a printer?

I'm looking for a picture of
a printer.

Change to diary invite?

Where's print?

I haven't seen some of these fonts
since I was about ten.

Jokerman. Look at this.

What's that thing middle-aged women
have on signs?

Live, laugh...

..gin?

That's the size of
the sign I just made.

I can't actually read it,
what does it say?

It says... These instructions
are quite clear.

The instructions are on the sign.

First sign. Right, first sign.

So there's a sign.
It's not laminated!

Uh, right, Wingdings.

I feel so productive,
even though this is very silly.

Do these things separate?

They separate!

The factory is now open.

Do you know what that says?

Bums only.

I can't remember
what the other two meant.

I don't remember typing
"leave your husband".

So I've written some of these
in a fugue state.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Thank you, Dara.
HE SIGHS

Hold up.
There's two that say warm your bum.

That says warm your bum.

How have I done that
in three times?

Hello, Fern. Hello.

That's for you as well.

A little something extra.

Obey all your signs.

Highest percentage
of signs obeyed wins.

You have three minutes.
Your time starts now. Good luck.

Well, I can't!

OK. Watch out for burglars.

HE GASPS
Burglars! High-value kidnappers!

Well, that's your seat.
So could you sit there?

The Jokerman's seat.

So we'll wait for him to turn up.

Eat 25g fibre a day, starting from
now. Where's my sandwich for lunch?

HE GASPS
Muntjack deer! Oh, tigers!

The Gruffalo!

Yeah, I mean I've walked straight
into this now, haven't I?

Cos I...I don't remember
what that says.

Breathe.
SHE INHALES SHARPLY

Warm your bum. Warm your bum.

"Get your arse off this."
It's not on this.

Here come the police, run away!

"Leave your husband."
Oh, I'm not married.

"Run."

"Warm your bum."

I'm typing in the word "bum"
because I remember writing that.

Right, you've got 38 seconds.

Oh.

That...that is not...

It change...it changed.

I'm sure it changes.

That's it, I've done them all.
Finished?

The only thing it's told me
to do is watch out for stuff.

Muntjack deer!

I don't know.
I definitely wrote "home".

Right, that's bollocks.

That apparently is "home"
in Wingdings.

You've got one minute left.
Ah, I can't do this instruction.

What does it say?
"Poo in your pants."

That's a problem.

Whoa. Yes, it will come out,
won't it?

What's the word? Would it bifurcate
into two separate poos?

You've got five seconds, John. Yep.

Done.

APPLAUSE

John, I put it to you,
you're not in this for the win.

I think Wingdings changes
every time you use it.

I don't think that can be true.

That's true.
That's the Enigma machine.

Jokerman's seat,
is that an instruction?

Uh...

The task didn't say the signs
had to be instructions, did it?

No, it's exactly what it said, yes.

There's quite an arse theme
within your response, Fern.

You warmed your bum three times,
successfully,

and then you said
a word that I wasn't aware of. Mm.

Bifurcation.
Did you know about bifurcation?

I did know about bifurcation.
Did you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He went to Cambridge.

I went to a...college.

So...

Uh, Dara. Yes.

What I wrote down is,

"Dara's reaction
to seeing high-value kidnappers,

"tigers, The Gruffalo is identical."

Ah!

Dara looked like he did a lot,
but it's percentage, isn't it?
It's percentage.

Dara did all 100% of his.

He did 25 out of 25.

Fern managed to do 75%
of her instructions.

John - sort of half.

I couldn't read half of them, man!

OK, time for a break. For fun,
why don't you ask your partner

during the break if they'd like
a nice cup of tea?

If they say yes,
scream into their face,

"Tough, I would like
to have been noticed

"for the last 15 years."
See you after the break.

APPLAUSE

Welcome, welcome back.
It's the start of part two.

Yes, it is, and we're
in the middle of a two-part task.

They had to print
and laminate lots of signs

and then, unbeknownst to them,
obey as many of them as possible.

There are two people left.

One is a human called Sarah,
the other is

a "chiwawa" called Munya.
Here we go.

All right,
so this should be fairly easy.

This technology is just
like breathing to me.

Print. Ooh! We're off.

Oh, I like the smell.

Go on, then.

You don't need to press anything.

Yeah, well,
who out of both of us is likely

to know more about technology?

It's not doing much, is it?

Oh, right, I need to put
some of this on it.

What's this for?

Come on. Why's it sweating?

Get that back out.

Thank God for that.

So this is your very first
lamination, is it? It is.

I mean, it might...
Is it the best day of my life?

There's got to be some sort
of fast setting on this.

Why would they have a fast setting?

Well, because in case
you're in a rush. There you go.

Do you think the other guys
would have already laminated?

Can you imagine Munya laminating?

No. Where did you get this thing
from, man?

Look at what it's done to my sign.
I think you might have broken it
when you pulled the thing through.

Wow. How long have I got left?

You've got 30 seconds.

SHE GASPS
Come on. Faster, faster, faster.

Oh, my Lord.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, no, what? Is there more?

"Obey all of your signs."

All right.

Alex stinks - agree.

I agree Alex stinks.

Number one. Go.

Walk out of the door.
There's a doorway.

Live - doing it.

Laugh - ha-ha.

Be leng. I mean, come on.

Oh, there's a door!

Walk out the door. Turn around.

Oh, I feel dizzy.

Be healthy, my bro. One, two...

"Leave." "Sod off." It says
"go away." This says "bugger off".

Well, I did everything.

100%, you think? Yeah.

"Do eat that." "Don't eat that."

"Take your pants off." No way.

Imagine that on the telly. Done.

Munya, with the reason of hindsight,
would you say that the sentence

"technology is like breathing
to me,"

that the confidence there
was misplaced?

No, because the thing is
it was ageist

because I know to you guys
a laminator's like a PS5,

but for me I'm used to
the more...you know the nippy stuff.

Can I ask a question? What's a PS5?

PlayStation.

Oh. For children, yep.

It's like a...

So what you did, Sarah, was an
extended mega mix of I Will Survive,

the song? Started off that way.

Just because I was trying
to think of quick instructions.

Yeah, but it's nice
cos Gloria Gaynor should have been
more aggressive.

She should have said,
"Go on, bugger off."

Sarah did a healthy number
of instructions - 14 -

and obeyed 91% of them,

cos she did not take her pants off.
She did not take her pants off.

No, didn't have any on,
so, you know...

Whereas Munya managed
to laminate nine signs.

He then obeyed all nine.

AUDIENCE OOHS

There's two sets of scores.

One for the amount of signs
and one for the percentage obeyed.

In the first half,
John gets one point

for his measly seven signs,
two to Munya,

three for Sarah, four for Fern,
five for Dara.

And then, in terms of percentage
obeyed, again John only one point,

two for Fern, three for Sarah,

but Munya and Dara both get
five points

because they both obeyed 100%
of their signs.

So that's how the scoring works.

Shall we have a look
at the scoreboard?

Yes, well, unbelievably,
John is at the bottom of

the scoreboard
with just three points.

The leader has five times
as many as him.

That's Dara with 15 points! Whoa!

APPLAUSE

I'd like another task, please.

Yes, of course, and it's time
to get your diving gear on

and then go delving for grapes.

This is a lovely location.

You left handed
or right handed, John?

Right handed.

SHE GASPS

Put your hand right in there,
please. Yeah.

Perfect, there we go.
Well, it's all yours. Good luck.

Oh, no.

And now I'll open the task?

Yes, please, yeah.

Fuck. Guys, here we go.

Am I meant to read it
with these on?

Yeah, I can give you a hand
if you want. Yeah, that'll be fab.

That's fantastic.
Just lower that down for me.

Would you just do that last
bit now? Oh, sure, yeah.

It's quite easy,
you just pop it open.

Can I take them off?

Before the task, yeah, if you want.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

"Put five grapes
in the little bowl."

"You've got five minutes."

"You must wear the flippers as
gloves for the entire five minutes."

"The most flour still on
the plate after five minutes wins."

"Your time starts now."

Come on, let's crack on.
Yeah, it's an old sort
of grandmother's game.

We used to play this with my gran,

but instead of flour,
she used butter,

instead of grapes, wasps,

and instead of flippers,
we had to use our eyelids.

And were gonna start
with some good old-fashioned S&M,

it's Sarah and Munya. Here we go.

Nothing around.
Nothing under the table.

Aha! Cos the thing is
you want me to dig into the flour.

I can see there's a little
grape holder underneath.

It's a messy one though, yay.

HE STRAINS

Oh, there's no grapes
in there. Crap.

No grapes in the grape holder?

Argh!

What happens if I drop one of
the grapes on the floor? Nothing?

All the information on the task.
It's covered in flour now, love.

OK, right, right, right.

I'm just gonna get all
the flour off. Different tactic.

I can't tell you if this is
the worst idea you've ever seen

or if I'm actually a genius.

Right, now, one grape.

This is how I cook. Like that.

One grape. Two. Boom.

Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Two grapes.

Thanks. Three grapes.

Do you know what I've just realised?

Cos most flour wins, isn't it?

There's another little bugger.
Here he is hello. Hello.

Five grapes.

Right, so now all I need to do is
get all the flour back on the plate.

Where is the plate?

Here.

Uh, do I have to do anything else?

I'm gonna pour the table over it.
Great.

Argh!

Uh, flour...

45 seconds.

Yes!

"Most flour left..." Oh, no!

WHISTLE BLOWS
Yes!

Should have read that,

shouldn't have covered it in flour.
Thanks, Alex.

Pleasure. Five nice grapes.
You can leave whenever you like.

You can leave the garage now.
All right.

Also push or pull.

Ow!

Oh, look at all these grapes.
Oh...

Oh, damn it!

Fucked that one up.

Bye!

I didn't see them at all!
I couldn't believe that!

Yeah, so it was
"get five grapes in the bowl",

but it's measuring
the amount of flour

that's still on the plate
afterwards,

and Munya had 2,514 grams,

Sarah just 900g of flour.
Who's next?

Next up it's Fern time
and it's Kearn time.

Are they hidden in the ceiling?

Is there grapes behind me
or something?

Just gotta go like that,
then pan for grapes.

Hold on they're not...they're
not like...

They could be...

Yeah, all right.

They could have been under there.

Well, hang on, just gotta...

DING!

Well done.

HE LAUGHS

Huge regrets.

DING!
One grape.

Yes. This is like doing surgery,
isn't it?

A lot of surgeons are alcoholics,

so it probably feels
like they have big hands

on an especially pissed day.

DING!
Two grapes.

Mm-hm. Doing it on an old person
cos they're very dry and desiccated.

So their bodies
are just like flour.

HE LAUGHS

DING!

You've got one minute, 45 left now.

Come on, we've gotta save
this old person.

DING!
HE COUGHS

DING!
Fucking hell.

You're still one grape short.

Oh, trying to find it.

I can put flour back on the plate,
can't I?

OK. That's the idea.

Ten seconds.

No!

WHISTLE BLOWS
Time's up.

I need a bit of moisture.

I'm too tired to keep going.

WHISTLE BLOWS

She's gone.

I did everything I could, though.

Let me out.

Oh.

Some interesting statistics
about the medical community, Fern.

Oh, aye. Oh, aye? Yeah.

Cos sometimes if a task
felt boring,

I had to pretend I was helping
a person or an animal

to get through it.

This one made sense to pretend
I was operating on an old person.

And to be fully emotionally engaged
with their death as well.

Their poor desiccated skin
falling away.

John, I hate to repeat
the questions I ask you,

but...are you not wanting
to win any of these?

I just...

Yeah, but...

Yeah, what that picture
doesn't show is that

I've got flippers
for fucking hands!

He did pretty well.

He got nearly 2kg of flour
on the plate at the end.

Twice as much as Sarah.

Oh, I do apologise, John.

That's quite enough for now.

A welcome chance for us all
to have a quick stop

and a plop. One wet, one dry,
fresh as a daisy for part three.

See you soon!

Hello, again and welcome back
to Taskmaster.

Can you give me an update, please,
Alex? Yes, Greg.

The cast were wearing flippers
on their hands whilst trying

to find five grapes
and pop them into a little bowl.

The most flour on the plate
at the end wins,

one person left to see,
and it's Dara O Briain.

If there's some sense
of where they were,

that would be a help.

Is there any way in which
I can do this in

a way which is salvageable? Um...

Oh, no!

Argh...

Oh, it's on a cup.
Oh, that's not nice.

OK. Hang on let me just do this,
right?

Back.

CUP SHATTERS

Somewhere within this,
there is still grapes.

Are there grapes?
Would somebody lie about the grapes?

Oh, that would be
the worst thing in the world!

Oh!

"Put five grapes in the little bowl.
You have five minutes."

Can I go to the kitchen, please?

OK.

Ah, that's also mean!

Oh!

Grapes, grapes, grapes,
grapes, grapes, grapes...

Grapes!

30 seconds. Well, it doesn't say
exactly five grapes.

Be nice. though, wouldn't it?
It would be.

Ten seconds.

Five grapes and flour - done.

WHISTLE BLOWS

APPLAUSE

I went on such a journey
during that.

He was trying to work it out,

and then from the arrogant flick
of the egg cup onto

the floor onwards,
he became a super villain.

He actually went...

EVIL LAUGHTER

..at one point cos he'd worked
it out. Brilliant.

I don't know how he didn't notice
the grapes which were this far
from his eyes.

He was too busy laughing
into the night sky.

EVIL LAUGHTER

Scoring wise, Fern didn't get five
grapes, so does she get any points?

Oh. She was so tired.

Well, she was in there
for five minutes. Oh.

LAUGHTER

Is that all I did? Oh, no.

She didn't fulfil the task,
she can't have any points.

OK. So it's zero to Fern.

Sarah came fourth,
so gets two points.

John is third,
so you get three points.

I can tell you Munya - 2,514 grams.

Dara - 2,903 grams. Wow.

So Dara gets the five points.
Very impressive.

One more, I think.

Yes, and this one involves
something you've broken

a lot of, Greg - running machines.

Cos...cos... Let's go.

What? No. What the f...?

Hello, Fern. Hiya.

Got your buckets? Yeah.

You look nice. Oh, thanks, yeah.

OK. Get ready to receive the task.

Whoo!

Argh!

HE GROANS

You hit me.

Are you acting?

"Sort the ducks and socks."

"Ducks go in the front bucket."
Obviously.

"Socks go in the back bucket."

Ducks, socks, ducks, socks.

"All ducks and socks must travel
along both treadmills,

"then fall directly
into the correct bucket."

"If a duck or sock lands on
the floor, you may not retrieve it."

I'm not sure I could get down
with these on.

"Most ducks and socks
in correct bucket wins."

QUACKING

"There is a pair of bonus points..."

Ooh, proper points.

"..for the most correctly paired
socks."

"You have 15 minutes."

"Your time starts now." Duck, socks.

It's a bog-standard game
of double bucket duck and sock.

Yes, it is.
I propose that we just get going.

Well, first we're gonna see
the self-proclaimed task mistress

Fern Brady
and the self-proclaimed John Kearns.

John Kearns, here we go.

Where are the ducks and socks?

Not far off.

Right. So you gotta run around?

Well, like I think so, yeah.

Well...

Oh, there's a duck.
Does this count?

Yeah, I guess so.

One.

And...

Wow!

Ducks in the front.

Jeez!

Ah, yes, that's a pair.

POP!

Well, what dropped then?

POP!
Did you hear that?Yeah.

Well, what dropped?

POP!

What the fuck's in that?

POPPING

You...

They're not hidden.

But they are, though. Well...

Are they in the bath?

Oh, no!

There's a duck in the sock!

How small's he?

You can't buy them that small.
Right.

Come on.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

HE SIGHS

I'm not bad at this,
that's the thing.

Hmm.

Oh, hang on. Can I slow it down?

BEEPING
Here we go.

Three and a half minutes left,
John.

Oh, they all died.

Would you like to see me get
a sock and a duck, one-two?

I would love that.

Crack on with it.

You absolute wanker!

SHE MUMBLES

Oh, no!

WHISTLE BLOWS

There's only socks in that one. Yes.

And there's only socks in that one.

There is a duck in that one.
There's gotta be.

Oh, one duck, one duck.

I wrote some quotes down
that you said during your attempt.

"What the fuck is that?"

"Did you hear that?
Well, what dropped?"

"You can't even buy them
that small."

Yeah, but you can't buy them
that small.

I bought my son one a month ago.

But did you try
and get a really small one?

Did you do extensive research into
the smallest duck you can buy?

There was only one size of duck.

I don't know what
the fuck they were.

I'd have looked mad if I'd gone up
to the pharmacist and gone,

"Sorry, do you have..." Pharmacist?
Pharmacist?

Where are you buying your ducks?!
At the pharmacy.

Why are you buying ducks
at a pharmacy?

Well, where else do you buy 'em?

At least John found the ducks
very quickly,

whereas Fern thought we'd hidden
the ducks and the socks,

and she put a crown on and said
she was the mother of the ducks.

Yeah. I did create
a narrative where I was

the mother of the ducks,
saving them.

And some of them died.

Some of them died, yes,
but most of them were rescued.

Yeah, she did rescue 44 ducks
in her duck bucket... OK.

..and 13 socks, so she had a total
of 57 things in her buckets.

Wow. John - nine socks,
one duck, no pairs.

OK, two more duck and sock sorters
now. It's Munya and Sarah.

Are they all in here?

Right, start with the ducks.

Oh, no, you put them inside.

The ducks inside the socks!

Oh, this is gonna take ages.

AUDIENCE OHS

You caught them. Waah!

Right, we're gonna move on
to socks now. Great.

Hold on.

I can't see me pockets
because of me tits. Sorry.

You can't see your pockets
because... Yeah.

What the hell?! I didn't get any in.

"If they fall on the floor, then
you're not allowed to pick 'em up."

Correct. Oh, well...

One at a time is better.

Quick!

How many did I get? One.

Well, the jokes on you
because I get to go again.

BIRDS HONK

How long have I got left, please?
You haven't got long.
Two and a half minutes.

I didn't ask for an opinion.
I just asked for a time.

Right. So no more opinions.

Sock one, sock one.

This is how we used
to make footballs in Zimbabwe.

WHISTLE BLOWS
Oh, no.

How long?

Eight, seven, six,
five, four, three...

WHISTLE BLOWS

Did I do it?

I mean, if I'm honest,
I don't know what I thought

cos all I can hear is,

"I can't see my pockets
because of my tits."

It happens more often
than you'd think.

Well, I've got a similar problem.

The Zimbabwe sock football
was a colossal failure.

Well, it did lead to a disaster
of many ducks falling out

as he fell in.

So I should have been good at that
task, cos when I was a kid, I used

to practise balancing in the bath
by covering it in Vaseline.

So...

Hang on, hang on. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

So you cover the bath in Vaseline

and then you see how long
you can stand up for.

It's a game.

So what, you've never played games
in the bath?

Yeah, I played games.

Like what kind?

I don't know.

That's not a game
what you're thinking of.

Go on tell me. It's not a game.

See if you can use elastic bands
to make it look like a submarine.

LAUGHTER

Right. Thank God it's break time.

When we come back,
someone edges closer

to winning Munya's dead plant
and Dara's dead knee.

See you soon.

APPLAUSE

Hello, welcome back to
the final part of tonight's show.

Yes, it's been a great night

and I really think that's down
to you,

Sarah, Munya,
Dara and Fern being on top form.

LAUGHTER

Before the break

the comics were busy sorting out
ducks and socks,

but there's still one person left
to see.

So here we go, it's the host of Sock
the Beak its Dara O Briain.

Thank you, everyone.

Whey! Now all through the keys, you
pair up the socks

before you send them down.

Oh, this is not the fun bit.
Oh, I want the fun bit.

Oh, here we go, here we go.

Can we put the bag of ducks down?
A bag for ducks.

Can I get a bag, please?

So, now I'm gonna gamble with this.

This goes wrong, this is calamitous.

Oh, legend! They're in plastic bags.

Wow, are they all paired?

They're all paired.
This is a big moment.

There's only one way to do this.

Oh!

SLOW-MO SHOUTING

APPLAUSE

You made two or three references
to just wanting to get on

with the fun bit.

The kneeling on the ground, taking
ducks from socks, that's not fun.

That's not fun at all.
That's a non-fun thing.

Watching the ducks go on two
treadmills, I could have done that
all day.

Hit me with some numbers.

Well, obviously John in last place
with one point,

Fern got a total of 57, Sarah 58,

so she's in third place.

Munya got 37 socks compared
to Dara's 28,

but the ducks fell out,
so he only ended up

with 29 ducks compared
to Dara's 63 ducks.

What's more, Dara was the only
person who paired more than two
socks.

He paired a total
of 28 socks, 14 pairs.

So he gets two bonus points as well.

So that's seven points in total
to Dara O Briain. It's amazing.

Yeah.

OK it's time for you all to head
to the stage for

the final task of the show!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Raise the curtain.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Alex, who's going to read
the task out?

Sarah Millican is going to read
the task out.

Commence.

Make the taskmaster say your words.

Each team will ask one question at
a time

and each question must be made up
of exactly six words.

Also each team member must take it
in turns

to say two words of each question.

First to make the taskmaster say
your word wins.

Dara, which of these would you like
to be your first word?

This one? If you take that one,
please. Thank you.

You can show it to your team
and you can show it to the audience.

So that one is for this team.

Sarah, you're gonna go first.
Thank you.

You cannot talk tactics
with your team mates at all,

but it is a team task.

OK, so we're gonna start with
a team of three.

Dara will commence the question.
Here we go. Good luck.

What wriggles...

..in Greg's...

LAUGHTER

John to complete the question.

..muddy garden?

What wriggles in Greg's
muddy garden?

Worm.

APPLAUSE

Very good.

So, to stop this team winning round
one, you need to get it in one.

Good luck.

What breakfast...

..is long...

..and meaty?

LAUGHTER

Sausage.

APPLAUSE

OK. So round one is a tie.
We move to round two.

We're gonna go slightly
harder words.

Here we go, so this time let's start
with the team of two.

Munya, you're gonna kick off
the question.

Can you...

No, no, no more words.

..lessen erection...

Please finish off the
question, Munya.

..until it's?

Right, well, that's the end of
the question.

Greg the question is,
can you lessen erection until its?

Soft.

Not right. Your turn, team of three.

How would...

..you describe...

..enormous hugeness?

Massive.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Absolutely brilliant!

So, the team of three win round two.

It's currently 2-1.
Good luck, everyone.

John, you're gonna start
the question this time.

I wish...

..not to...

"I wish not to..."?

Yeah, somehow turn this into
a question, please, Dara,

and also make it relevant
to the word somehow.

..ascend vertically?

So the question is...

LAUGHTER

..I wish not to ascend vertically?

Descend.

It's, weirdly, not right.

So, it's Sarah to start.

What trousers...

..do farmers...

..wear now?

Well, it's either, just to tee it
up,

it's either dungarees or overall.

But what do they wear NOW?

That's what's, that's what's thrown
me.

Overall.

You've gone for overall, it's not
right.

So, it's the team of three again.

Which aircraft...

..crashes more...

LAUGHTER

John, would you mind finishing off
the question?

It's easy.

..into mountains?

LAUGHTER

Helicopter.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, this is to draw this round.

Not overalls...

..so it...

..must be...

Dungarees.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, the team of three win three,
the team of two win two.

Marvellous. Let's put that to the
final scores.

Come down and join me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Easy one to score.

The team of three got three points,
the team of two got two points.
You happy with that?

Yes, please. That's nice and easy.
But it does mean the final scores...

It's a clean sweep,
a huge 30 points in one episode,

and that's, of course,
Mr Dara O Briain. There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dara wins.

Please go and gather your things
never to be thrown away.

So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that people come in
different shapes and sizes.

But not ducks. No. Ducks come in
one size and one size only.

And if you've got an issue with that
fact, you'd better speak to this
guy.

Bye-bye, everyone.

You can go now, but don't forget who
won tonight. It was Dara O Briain.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media