Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 14, Episode 1 - Episode #14.1 - full transcript

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Shut up!




Hello, thank you.

I'm Greg Davies, and this is
a brand-new series of Taskmaster.

The show is a well-oiled machine

and I am your well-oiled host.

Let me tell you beneath this suit
I am basted with

the finest goose fat
and ready to pop in the oven.

Afterwards, take me out
and I'll melt in the mouth.

Mm! Delicious.

And after the meal,
what entertainment can I offer?

Easy. I shall take five
successful comedians

and make them dance for you,

dance like they never thought it
possible to dance,

until their hot tears
fill their greedy little eyes,

for they all long
to take home this -

a cheap mass-produced effigy
of my head.

Let the games commence.
Please welcome Dara 0 Briain.

Fern Brady.

John Kearns.

Mun ya Chawawa.

And Sarah Millican.

And next to me, a man who recently
confided in me when drunk

that before bed each night, his wife
puts talcum powder on his rear end

and special area in what
he described to me

as his night-night bot-bot
powder party.

It's little Alex Horne!

Hey, Greg.
Hey, mate.

Finally I've had the first draft of
my new book. You want to see it?

It's great.

OK. It's, er...
Well you know about it, obviously.

It's the new autobiography of you.

It's called Greg? A Force Of Nature.

Thank you.

It's quite weighty, it's 700 pages.
It's the first part of eight.


I like it. Do you want me
to read you an excerpt?

Read me an excerpt.
OK. Ooh,

Ancl then Greg Davies leapt off
his horse and shouted,

"That's how it's clone, losers."

Ancl all the guys and girls
watching him applauded,

and knelt down before him,
and they lay down before him

and sort of—curled up into balls
before him

and Greg picked them up
and rolled them at a barn

and roared at them.

And on we go.

What's the first prize task category
of this new series,

my little furry friend?

Oh, today you've asked them
to bring in

the most jaw-dropping item.

Ah, ouch.

Ancl the most jaw-dropping item of
them all will get its owner

five points, an early lead
in the series. Ker-ching.

Plus at the end of the show,

the winner will take home
five jaw-dropping items

and probably get lockjaw, Greg.

Right, let's begin.

Dara, what jaw-dropping item
might you have brought us?

For me, jaw-dropping is defined
by whenever you see Bugs Bunny

or another beloved cartoon character
dressed as a sexy female version

of themselves, so I got this made.

It certainly an old man, isn't it?

If you're not entirely sure about
how draw-dropping that is,

you have to see the effect
it had on Alex.

This is strong.

Well played. Fern?

I brought in a framed picture of
a rescue chicken

called Fern Brady,
named after me, Fern Brady.

Here is a chicken
called Fern Brady.

Yep, there's this couple called
David and Carol

that really, really love comedy
a lot, and they have rescue chickens

named after different
female comedians.

I don't know if
you've got one, Sarah.

There's a Sarah Millican chicken
as well.

That's the thing is they always
update you

on how your chicken is doing,

so, like, Fern Brady the chicken was
the biggest girl of the lot.

She really enjoyed her food.

But during the pandemic
when I'd lost all my work

and I was feeling sad, I got
a tweet from them one day saying,

"Fern Brady died this morning.

"She was doing what she loved best,

"eating breakfast
out of David's hand."

That's pretty jaw-dropping.

These are strong so far.

Someone's got to drop the ball soon,
haven't they?

Well, it's john's turn now.
John, what have you brought in?

I brought in the, er,
Guinness World Records book.

This is going to take
some talking round.

There's a tomato that's over 10lb,
which is the size of a domestic cat.

It's a big tomato, he is right.

You've got the hairiest family.

They're the ones with hair
over their face? They're 98% hair.

They themselves are not 98% hair.

Is there the guy who was the
quickest ever to get one point?

Mun ya, what have you brought in?

Sol have brought in
a knitted version of my head.

Here is his head.

What I like is that
they've really nailed

how your teeth are on your lips.

They've really caught that,
haven't they, in wool?

I don't own it. I had to buy it.
What? What?!

Yeah, I had to buy it. £200.

It's pretty... I mean, it's awful.

Sarah, can you beat that?

It's a ceramic dildo that has
one of my jokes... engraved?

Is that the right word?

I've never written on a dildo,
apart from "Mine."

I was told it was a ceramic
bangle holder. Here it is.

"Never put anything in your mouth
you don't want to."

Which is the one bit of sex advice
my mam ever gave me.

That is genuinely quite shocking.

You've seen all five.

One point to john.

One point. OK.

I really loved it,
but I'm only giving him two points.

It's Munya's knitted head.

That's harsh. That's harsh.

Yeah, sorry, it is harsh,
isn't it, yeah? Two points, OK.

I'm going to give joint hon ours

to Dara's jaw-dropping cartoon
and, incredibly,

Sarah's ceramic dildo,

because the thing that genuinely
shocked me the most

was that Fern would read,
"Fern Brady is dead."

That's the thing
that made my jaw drop.

OK, well, five points go to
Fern Brady. There it is.

Here we go, then.
What have we got first, Alex?

Well, we have a box-fresh task
to kick off proceedings.

Hello, Alex.

Oh, hello, Sarah.

Come in.
Oh, I've got a bit big-headed.

Do you want me to help you?
Yes, please, I really do.

I'm in.
Oh, yeah.

Yes. How you doing?
I'm good thanks, Mun ya.

Oh, hi, Fern.


Hi, john.

Hello, Alex.

This way, please.

This way please. Yeah.

Hello, Dara.

Hello, Alex. How are you?

So, yes, face the front.

You can take one step to me
if you want.

Oh, that's... That's nice.

Ancl you can rotate this way
a little bit if you want.

Yeah, cool. just looking around.
Ancl you can open the task.

Would you like to read the task?


Would you mind reading it to me,
please? No, no. Very happy too.

You can either post it in
the top of me head

or you can maybe read it for me.

Oh, I'd love to read it for you.
Yes, please.

You can hear the rustle
of anticipation.

Right, Mun ya,
what ten films are you in?

You have 15 minutes.

Most correct films named wins.

What do you mean,
what ten films am I in?

Your time starts now.

What do you mean?!

Most correct films?

Named wins.

That I am in?

That I am in?


I thought they conducted themselves
with absolute dignity,

and I'm very excited to see them.
And might I say as a side note,

Fern's early fury bodes very well
for the rest of the series.

OK, here we go. It's Dara O Briain,
John Kearns, and Fern Brady.

Number one.

You're trying to work out
what film is that.

That is... arrow, bow.

Bow... Bowfinger?

Not far off.

What ten films am I in?

Se'! en?

Yeah, that's one out of ten.

What, did I just get one?

Arrow. Bow.

It's a sheep. Bo Peep. Ram. Bow.




So remember it's a film.



I haven't seen that.

This is a, erm, a bendy stick
that comes back to you.

Erm, but what's that called again?

Oh, Australian, er...

Not kangaroo!

Stop saying kangaroo, my brain.

Erm... it is a boomerang!

What the hell is that?

Like, an elf wears that,
but there's no elves in Australia.

Australian Wizard.

Oh, maybe another word
for an Australian. Yes.

Wizard Of Oz.


Erm, jugs, jar...

The three Amigos?

What the hell would be in this?

I don't know. The Chipmunks?

Hmm. Next one. I'm good at these...
I like these games.

Eugh! Crusty golf.

Cornflakes, golf club.

Cornflakes club.

The Breakfast Club!


This is a club. Something club?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Go on to the next one.

So they're peas.

OK. What's the movie?

Er... Peas?

Oh, for Jesus' sake.

You've got three
and a half minutes.

Oh, my God. Really?

Frozen peas.



This is an orange.

Clockwork Orange.

I feel like this one's
actually an easy one.


But it's not coming to me.

Stones. Romancing The Stone.


I'm going to go with Moon.

Moon. OK.

Top Gun.

Fan Gun.


Fan Me...

Fanny Weapon.

It's not Fanny Weapon.

Oh! Gone With The Wind.


Oh, are you looking for number nine?

OK. I'm number nine.

Those are carrots, right?

Yep, and then I've got things
in my hands as well.

Eugh! A teabag?

Is it?

Yeah, and then one other thing here.

Carrot tea.

Carroty Ginger.

But that's not ginger.

Oh, it's a horse.

Goat teabag carrots.

Carroty Ram.

Carroty Goat? What the hell.

Karate Kid!


You're number ten.

You represent a moment in a film.

You've got 30 seconds.

In total?
In total, yeah.

Oh, shite.
Yeah, no, it's gone badly.

It has gone badly, hasn't it?
Mm. Yeah.

Your time's up, Dara.

I'm sure the expression on that box
changed to great sadness.

It got sadder.

That still photo got sadder
and sadder

as I couldn't remember the names
of any films.

Dara not the first comedian
to do this show

because his children enjoy it

only to lose all the respect his
children previously had for him.

So he got three out of
the ten films.

John, when you just shouted at
the top of your voice "Chipmunks,"

it felt like a man throwing in
the towel for the whole series.

Fern, pleased with your performance?

Yeah, I think I did O...
Did I do OK?

How many did Fern get?
Let's just find out straight away.

She got 60% of them right.
Six out of ten.

Really good, really good.


I thought that The Wizard Of Oz,
I thought your title was better.

What did I pick?
The Australian Wizard.

Six points,
and john got four points?

Yes. One film that you were adamant
about was Peas the film, and

as it's not a real film, I wonder
if you wanted to pitch it, maybe.

Peas, er, a lovely gardener,

er, during lockdown.

The only thing that grows
in his garden is peas. Yep.

Erm, he goes to bed,
the peas run in the house

and, er, they kill him,
and then live his life.

That's Peas.
Coming to a cinema near you.

Right, that's the end of part one,
or for our French speaking viewers,

la bibliotheque est dans le jardin.

Bonsoir, welcome back,

and for our French-speaking viewers,

Alex est un pet it cheval.


So where were we, Alex?

Merci pour la baguette.

Yes, our five contestants
were in ten films.

Before the break, Dara, Fern and
John worked out what a few of them

were, but how will our final two do?

Let's find out as Sarah Millican
and Mun ya Chawawa investigate.

What is this now?

This is a bow and arrow.
I know the feeling of this.


A ram. Silence Of The Rams?

It's not Silence Of The Rams.

Sheep. A ram.



So it's a witch's hat.


Oh, such a puzzle.

Oh, The Wizard Of Oz.

Correct! You're good at this, Mun ya.

Yeah, catch.

|'m joking.

The Wizard Of Oz Returns?

You sort of said it.

Well, give me the point, then.

What's the film?
The Wizard Of Oz?


Oh, Australia! Oh, you clicks.

Nothing, I'm having a great clay.

One jar, two jar, three jar.

Jar Wars.




It's like a golf club with eczema.

Something club.

Fight Club.

Breakfast Club.


Oh! Peas.

Eugh, man. Oh!

Oh, it's peas.



This is...

Clockwork Orange.

Clockwork Orange.

The Rock?

The Rock 2?

Rock? Rocky.


Is the word... Rocky?

Oh, God.

What is it, a gun?


It's not Gundhi no.

Gun With The Wind.

Oh, my word. Correct, yes.


Gone With The Wind!

Shut your face.

Bro, you're a bit older than
the kid, but Karate Kid.


You are clue number ten.

I am?

I'm not in any films.

Sarah Millican.
The Sarah Millican Film. No.

My head right now is in a box.

That is the exact same
as a moment in a film.



Big Heads, Coneheads,
Cardboard Heads.


Do you want to blow the whistle,
or shall I?

Yeah, you blow the whistle.

I'm intrigued by Mun ya
picked up a bow and said,

I've written it down
cos I was so intrigued,

"I know the feeling of this."

So in Zimbabwe, we used
to have nine gardeners, OK?

Now it's not because we're bougie,

it's because that's just
the done thing. So basically...

To have nine gardeners?
Yeah. My dad was like,

"Look, I can't afford
these nine gardeners.

"Too many, yeah?
So we need to rank them."

So he put me in charge
of ranking them.

So what I would do is
I would give them tasks

like I was a Zimbabwe taskmaster,

and one of them was to make me
a bow and arrow.

So the person who made me the bow
and arrow was top gardener. So...

What the fuck's going on?

It's worth you knowing that
he will mention Zimbabwe

in every single task.

Wow, amazing. Give me some scores.

Well, I can tell you
Sarah got seven out of ten,

Mun ya eight out of ten.

Which means Mun ya gets five points,
four to Sarah, three to Fern,

two to john,
Dara just a single point.

Dara, you're pretty angry
about this, yeah?

Not at you, not at the show,
not at the concept.

That was the whole idea - puzzles
and fun. I'm just angry at me.

We're only in the first task proper.

Which means that john is last place
by quite some distance,

but in joint first we have Fern
and Sarah with eight points.

Let's see another task, please.

OK, then, Greg, it's our first
location task of the series,

and this time, for a bit of a laugh,
we borrowed the whole of

Gatwick airport's south terminal.

Good stuff. Loo roll VT.

Hello, Alex.

Hi, Fern.

Imagine if I just knocked it
over the... Waaah!

That would be funny, wouldn't it?

Oh, I love a toilet roll!

I feel much happier now that
there's loads of toilet rolls here.

Oh, I'm going to love this.

"Land loo roll in the loo."

"You must stay on
the spot at all times."

"Most loo roll in the loo wins."

"You have 15 minutes.
Your time starts now."

That's not an easy shot.

Well, in my real life,
I'm actually amazing at this.

I'm always knocking
full toilet rolls into the toilet.

What happens when I run out?

You'll either be happy or sad.

You know, in Zimbabwe,
I'm used to long drops,

so this should be a doozy.

Or a loozy.

Do you genuinely knock full toilet
rolls into the toilet regularly?

Yeah. I get in trouble for it.
So do I.

It's so upsetting. I've got a
massive mirror in my bathroom,

and I would say once a week
I do that and look at myself,

and go, "You fat arsehole."

Let's plaY-

OK, first to use the toilet,
it's Dara and Fern.

OK, I'll try one
just to try one OK?


How long have I got? 15 minutes?

You've got 15 minutes.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Can I roll it down something?

Wadding it.

Drainage pipe anywhere?

Oh, no!

String? Wire?

Do you think I should have a tactic?

I don't know.

Flt just...


Did that count?

Obviously I could do it
in smaller chunks

and get something in.

That wasn't one of them.

Sort of counted, that one.

Get an ideal amount of weight
to stability.

Yes! Yes!

Can we break into
a fishing supply store?

That wasn't anywhere near it.

You've got 13 minutes left.

Another way of directing this.

OK, I'm off the mark.

I think you've finished early.
Well clone.

Thank you. Congratulations.
1 out of 12 went in.

You weren't expecting a second one
to land, were you?


I hit the rim six times in a row.

I hit the rim six times in a row.
That's shattering.

It's terrible to watch
Dara ruminating to himself

over the many ways he could do this,

and I wrote down my impression
was that Dara was

walking the fine line
between physics theorist

and confused uncle in a shed.

But he landed a couple
of sweet ones in the pan, right?

Yes, he got a whole roll in, which
is 140 sheets, we all know that,

and 43 other individual sheets.

I do have to go through the toilet
at the end of this task

and count them. That was
the only pleasure left open to me

is the thought of you
going through my toilet paper

and individually counting
the sheets.

That must have given you a little
lift after all of the rim shots

which were, and I quote,

Fern had a less technical system.

It seemed to me that
you thought,

"Yeah, I'm just going to chuck
all these one by one,

"and after each one I'm going to go,
'Oh, no!"'

Yeah, and I didn't realise till you
said there was 13 minutes left,

that was when I realised
I might have done it differently

to everyone else.
Who's next?

Next up to throw down
are Mun ya and Millican.

Part of me thinks it's just
throwing and hoping it hits.

If I break these into pieces,
I could basically have 100 shots.


It does have to go in the loo.
Yeah, I know that.

We've all missed the seat a few
times in our life, haven't we?

There you go.

I'm just going to start.

Oh! That was quite close.

Maybe this isn't impossible.


1115'! keep it going.

LeBron James.

LeBron James.

No. Maybe here.

No. Too far.

LeBron James.

LeBron James.

Ready for this?

LeBron James.



Oh, I flushed it, though!

That's just over half your
loo rolls gone.

If feels silly to just
chuck five more.

LeBron James.

LeBron James.


Could I get some water?

Oh, thank you.

I couldn't get off me spot.
Sticking to the rules.

Thank you.

Just wet them to make them
a bit heavier. Yeah.

Does it count?

Stupid game anyway.

This is so satisfying!

I can't believe I missed this many.
This is impossible.

The ones with the little tails
do look amazing when they go.

Yeah, well, it's not about your
artistic direction, is it?

It's about getting them in.


How long, how long?

NO! No!


Ten seconds.

This is the final bit of loo roll,
is it? Yeah.

Good luck!


That's pretty good.

Oh, for God's sake.

Whatever, Alex.

Mun ya, at the beginning,
what did you mean when you said,

"We've all missed the seat

Listen, we all have a past.

You poo off the seat?

Not me personally, just, you know,

when you've got nine gardeners,
a lot of stuff happens.


Erm, Sarah, you stopped halfway
through to try a new system. Yeah.

And it was a delight.

Make the paper heavy.

Make it more like a poo.

Not like mine.
They... Oh, no?

No. That's too solid for me.

Is it?

Just a disaster zone, is it?

Yeah. I mean, I'll be honest
with you, Sarah, mine's not pretty.

But I thought it was
a master stroke.

I don't know that it worked.

Yeah, it did.
Oh, did it?

You did actually say,
"I've never seen a kingfisher.

"I imagine this is what it's like."
Swack. Yeah!

How many of her big wet kingfishers
went in?

She had a total of
80 individual sheets,

whereas Mun ya, just 61.



Hello, welcome back to
the very third part

of the very first episode
of the very 14th series.

Oh, what a wacky intro.

Before the break, the new lot had
got through security at Gatwick

south so that they could throw
loo rolls from a height

into a toilet. We've seen everyone
apart from John Kearns,

so here is john Kearns.

With ever anything like this,
I don't need power.

Gravity will provide the power.

So, weirdly, I'm going to
throw it up before I throw it down.

Right, I might...
I might try throwing it down now.

Right, I'm just...
I'm just going to have another go.


That was really quite a long way
away from the toilet.

Ooh, I've got an idea!

Make a little paper aeroplane.

Well, look how beautiful it is,
first and foremost.

The chassis, the wings.

It's a fantastic
piece of engineering.

Fly, my pretty, fly.


Oh, God. Right hang on.

What's happening now?
I'm going to make a bigger one.

A bigger one?

Right, I need to rethink this now.

Be great to get some loo roll
in the loo.

Yeah, I know that. That's the task.

That's why I'm here.

Too high up.

20 seconds, john.

Well, I'll release that.

WelL..that didn't go to plan.

I had such high hopes because of
the archway you delivered

the sentence,
"Gravity will provide the power."

I thought, "This man knows
what he's talking about!

Yeah, I do.
No, you don't.

I tell you, it's a shame we don't
give art house points, though.

Oh, man, that is...
I mean, he may not win this game,

but he'll win a Cesar, the French
Oscars, for Best Short Film.

That's the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen.

From the maker of Peas...

It's frustrating to watch, though,
for john,

because he is an amazing shot.

Afterwards, we sometimes
stick around, have a bit of fun.

John grabbed a loo roll,
chucked it straight in.

Have you got it?

No, I didn't film it.

Yeah, we did, we did, we did.
Watch this.

That's got to just be gut-wrenching,
isn't it?


Hey, let's have some points.

Right, well, John didn't get any in.

Does he still get a point, Greg,
for coming last?

Yeah, for God's sake.

For the sheer beauty he's got
to get a point, doesn't he?

A single point to john.
Then we have Mun ya with two points,

Sarah came third, three points,

Fern, four points for second place,

but the winner with five points is
Dara O Briain, 183 sheets.

The master physicist strikes.

Time for one more?
You Bet With Matthew Kelly,

and it's the first team task now.

Oh, my God.

Hello, Fern.

Please wait, please wait.

Hi, Alex.
Hi, Sarah.

I don't know what you've got.
A length of drainpipe?


I don't like your little
geeky socks.

You don't?

I don't like this. It looks like
I might have to do a forward roll

or something.
Can you do a forward roll?

For you, I'd give it a go.

Er, should I read the task?

Hi. Oh, hello!

Hey, Fern. How are you?

All right.

You are now a team.

Oh, damn! OK.

Dara, this is Fern.
Fern, this is Dara.

Hey, nice to meet you.
Hi, lovely to meet you.

You are a team.
Oh! Oh, cool. Cool.

Yeah? You can stand next
to each other if you want.

Oh, sorry.
I thought there was a thing.

No, you just.
Wherever you want, really.

Well, I want to do...
There's john!


You all right?

Should I...?
You go ahead. Please.

Good luck, team.

"Create the best picture of a bird
on the black square."

"You may not step on or do anything
to the black square."

"Alex will walk towards you every
time you name a different bird."

"Alex will stop moving every time
you name a different fish."

Oh, my God! I hate that, I hate
that. This is sick. OK, all right.

"You have a maximum of 15 minutes.

"Your time starts when Alex
withdraws his nail."

So is there paint...?
Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait.

So, Sarah, paint is going to start
spraying out as soon

as he pulls out that nail.

So if I said a bird's name,
you would walk towards me?

I will follow the last person
who said a species of bird.

But if you name a fish...
He stops.

He stops when we name a fish.

How good are you on fish and birds?

That was my uni degree,
so we're all good.

Was it your uni degree?

Yeah, I mean, some people call it
psychology, but I...

Very nice.

Degree or not, my gut instinct is
it's going to go very badly

for both teams.
Oh! OK.

I could be wrong, and my only other
observation is that, during that,

Fern was either freezing
or needed a wee.

No, it was both.

It was really hard to go to
the toilet in that costume.

Yeah. So I think I went once
in the whole series.

Excellent. OK, well, luckily
nobody's going to have to imagine

a world without montages,
because we've got one right here.

OK, I'm now going to
withdraw my nail.

Good luck, everyone.

Oh, no.

OK, we're losing paint quickly here.
Yeah, OK.

OK. Alex, pigeon.






Er, seagull.

Alex, seagull.


Oh, you just keep
coming towards me?

Until you say a fish.


Right, 0|