Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 8 - Episode #13.8 - full transcript

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Ha-ha!

No way!

Er...
Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Ah!

Are you having a laugh?

Oh! Oh!

This program me contains strong
language and adult humour

Hello, welcome.

It's Taskmaster, it's episode eight.

I'm Greg Davies — sweet, sweet eye
candy for your mum and your auntie.



Five funny clowns have been battling
it out over several episodes now.

Some have proved themselves
surprisingly resourceful,

others have made their families
worry about

whether they're looking
after themselves.

One and one alone will lift
a papier-mache trophy

into the air and shout, "This?!
I went through all that for this?!"

Let us meet the jesters on
the battlefield of the absurd.

They are Ardal O'Hanlon...

Bridget Christie...

Chris Ramsey...

judi Love...

and Sophie Duker.

And next to me, a man who cries
every time he watches Free Willy

and who frees his willy every time
he cries.



It's little Alex Horne.

Hello, Greg. Hello, everybody.
Nice to be here.

All right? Yes, I've got new shoes.
Feeling confident. You like them?

Well, they're better than your
usual plastic slip-ons, I suppose.

Yeah. They're very nice.
They're quite tall.

They're quite tall.
Where do you think they end, Greg?

Where do you think they end?

I just...
I've made you little windows.

I've just seen those. Yes.
Do you think they come up to,

to my shin, Greg? Do you want to
open the window?

I thought you'd like this.

Yeah, the, the shoes are still
going. Yeah.

Do you want to look at the knee?

Yeah. See if they're still...
They can't be still going.

They're still going.
OK. Oh, they can't be up the thigh.

Do you want to have
a little look, Greg?

Yeah, yeah, you're wearing
thigh-high boots, Alex.

Let's get on
with the show, shall we?

Yes, here we go,
it's Prize Task time and,

this Prize Task time,
they've all brought in

the loveliest thing
to hold above your head.

Ooh.
Greg will give five points

for the thing that he thinks is
the loveliest to hold

above your head, and then tonight's
winner will take home

five things that are lovely
to hold above your head. That's it.

Sophie Duker,
what have you brought in, please?

I've brought a teeny, tiny trophy.

Here it is.

Er, this is it compared to
a mighty trophy.

There we go.
It is a teeny, tiny trophy.

Now, that sort of endears me
to it a little bit.

Yeah. It's a teeny, tiny trophy
that I won

the very first time I did stand-up
in a stand-up competition.

And they bulk-bought teeny,
tiny trophies.

They gave it to anyone who believed
in herself enough

to get up on the stage
and do two minutes

of teeny, tiny,
trophy-worthy material.

That is quite cute.
And that's what I did. Yeah.

And it got an "ah"
from the audience.

Yeah. Which is very clever.

Chris, something meaningful
to hold above your head?

Yes. Now, we all know the best thing
to hold above your head

is your hands.

You can wave them in the air like
you just don't care.

Yeah? This is worse than teeny,
tiny trophy.

I've brought in
the un—untuckable shirt.

Here it is, the un-un-tuckable
shirt.

Oh!

I was not expecting to get turned on
this early in the show.

But that. The shirt...
That is horrendous.

The shirt is sewn directly
onto your underpants

and it is impossible to untuck.

The self-confidence I would feel
would be lovely,

knowing that my big belly's not
going to fall out,

followed by my awful genitals.

I feel like you're tucking in
too far into the wrong bit.

OK, it might not be lovely,
but it is,

it is very practical
and does genuinely appeal to me.

Ah, Judi.

I went for a lovely fan.

Yes, Judi's brought in a fan.

There it is.

Yep. I mean the obvious thing
to do with that is

to hold it aloft above one's head.

Well, it's when you get... Look,
you know how hot you get

cos you're hot, right?

Imagine if, in the most hottest time
of your life,

you could just stand there... I'd
think, "Ooh, I could do with a fan."

"Over my head." But, oh,
I'm holding it above my own head?

Yeah, you know that moment when you
walk in and the air con hits you?

You hold that fan too high,

you are going to untuck your shirt,
and it's going to be terrible.

Do you know what would
go well with that?

One point.

Ardal, only you can,
er, help Judi out.

The loveliest thing to hold above
your head is a table tennis bat.

You are back in the game.

He has brought that in,
and there it is.

It's a table tennis paddle or bat.

Well, it's a,
a great way of making friends.

Like, let's say you're at
a railway station.

OK. And you hold the table
tennis bat above your head,

you will quickly attract followers.

They will think that you're some
sort of a tour guide

and they will join in,
and you can bring them places,

and you can certainly get to
the front of the queue at,

at a museum.

Thanks, Ardal.

Bridget. Oh! I have brought in
a handmade,

lace parasol that was made by a
neighbour for her child.

When her child was young,
she accidentally,

they went to the beach
and it burnt a bit.

It?
The, the child.

It?
She hadn't put the... Shush!

Sunblock and stuff on,
so she made a parasol

for the child when it was younger,

and then, when I had my children,
she said,

"Would you like this for yours?"

Here is the vintage
parasol. Beautiful.

Oh. Ooh. Lovely.

Ooh, it is nice.
It's lovely, isn't it?

You could spin that behind you
as well.

Yeah, but when you're walking round
with that parasol above your head,

like, do hundreds
of tourists follow you?

So, it's pretty straightforward,
as far as I'm concerned.

Ardal can thank me for one point
for his bat.

One. Two points for a fan that helps
no—one

is the most generous thing
I've ever done.

Er, just because it doesn't really
go fully above your head,

but I do so admire and want it,
I'll give three points to

the pant/shirt combination.

Mr Chris Ramsey.
And then there will be a jump up

because of the emotional content...

they've got to take five
points each.

OK, so it's five points
to Sophie and Bridget.

Yeah!

I'd like the first task, please.

Certainly, and we're going global
with this one,

because it's time
to find out who's the best E test.

In you pop, Ardal.

Yes, thank you.

Hello?
Hello.

Oh, no!

Swedish.

Learn Swedish. Oh, shitting hell!

"You'll have a five—minute
conversation with a Swedish person

"in 15 minutes from now."

"The phrase book and tablet must
remain in the caravan."

Best demonstration of
the Swedish language wins.

Your time starts when you first
said "Swedish."

What? So it already started?

Yeah.

Pretty straightforward.
Mm-hm.

Learn a language. Yes.
How long did they have?

15 minutes, but it is a category-one
language, Swedish.

It's as easy as French or Spanish
to English speakers.

Oh, thank you. Well, move over,
Punch and Judy and make way for

Judi and Chris. Here we go.

Tack's got to be thank you.

Ooh!

Tack. Tank. Tank.

Tank.

Adjo, goodbye.

Boom!

Ne} Ne.

Nej-Nell-.

Nej. Nej.

Five out of six.

If he says them words, I'm laughing
me head off.

Ar? Ar.

Ar, at, at.

Oh, oh, yeah, at. Eh'?

Sorry?

Please come and talk to
a Swedish person. Oh, man.

Judi, we have to go
and talk to a Swedish person now.

OK.

Oh! I was wondering how he
wouldn't be here.

OK.
I'm good with iPads.

OK, Judi, your five minutes
starts now.

Heja.

Hey.

Er...

He's-.

I've, I've forgot it all.

Ven samale England.

Ven samale England.

Mm...

Hungrig? Erm...

Oh, er...

Ute Ho“.

Yea h, lite trott.

Hej, Judi.

Is he still there?

Yes, he's still there, Chris.

God, er...

Mar, mot, morgon.

God morgon?

Football!

Don't like it.

He'; da.

He'; da.

Super.

You too-per super.

Hungrig.
Oh, OK.

Hungrig.
Tack.

[He], he], ba-gej-hej. Wey—hey.

So embarrassing!

You lost, you lost confidence for a
few key phrases, I thought.

Well, look, you know,
he ended up saying "super" to me.

Yeah, and you replied,
"You too-per super."

Are we 100% sure that Chris
established that he was hungry?

I did ask him a couple of times.

He was, he dodged the question,
actually, which I thought was bad

on his part. I thought "good moron"
was a terrible mistake but, in fact,

it was correct.

It was correct.
That's what I'm saying.

I mean, I...|'ve got to say,

I didn't think it was
a total disaster.

OK. Exactly. I mean, it was no
holding a ping-pong bat

above the head, was it?

Er, let's go, who's next?

OK, yes, by genuinely popular
demand, Fred's back,

and next to speed-learn
Swedish are Ardal and Sophie.

Ja leder efter stromming.

Thank you.
Tack.

Tack. Great. Tack.

Tack, tack. Tack.

I want to be cool. La get.

Hej, la get. What's up?

Jag ar hung rig.

Her-mer-du.

That's you time up, Sophie.
That's, yes.

Please follow me, Ardal.
OK.

How's your Swedish now?
It's really great.

Ardal, you've got five minutes,
your time starts now.

OK.

Hex'.!

Valkommen...

till Taskmaster.

Vad heter du?

Pg hater Fred.

Hej, Fred. jag, jag heter Sven.

Jag ar gravid.

Cool, cool.

Fred, Fred, Fred.
Fred, jag ar hung rig.

OK.

Jag, jag leter efter stromming.

Stromming?

Stromming. Ar du stromming?

Ar du stromming?

Nej stromming?

Oh...

Ah...

Vil du ha...

Hmm?

Erm, McDonald's?

OK.

Fred. Fred, Fred, Fred...

Adjo.

Thank you, Sophie.

Erm, the song. Yeah. I mean,
where the hell did that come from?

I was in Sweden once, and I was
outside a railway station

with a table tennis bat...

and...

I, er, met some people who worked
in the Volvo factory,

and we ended up going out
to a pub and,

er, by the end of the night, we were
singing Swedish drinking songs.

So...

as it turned out,
I could speak Swedish all along.

Let's not overshadow Sophie's
superb attempt.

I think you may've gone in quite
hard by announcing

you were pregnant.

Yeah, I think he was really, er,

reluctant to take accountability
for that.

And, at the back of
the phrase book,

it was useful things to say
if you find yourself in Sweden.

Yeah, "|'m pregnant."
Yes.

But your pronunciation was, erm,
pretty good.

I just think you, you formed a bad
relationship with him.

Well, he wasn't forming good
relationships with anyone.

He was stuck up, man.

He kept trying
to tell me about football,

wouldn't tell us if he was hungry or
not. He was a horrible man.

That's what I'm saying.

Er, guess what? It's break time.

You know the drill —
You make yourselves a cuppa,

I'll put Alex in a choke hold
and we'll meet back here shortly.

See you in a bit.

Hello! Welcome back
to Taskmaster,

where we're in the middle of a
language-learning task.

Yes, we are,
and Swedish Fred is back.

Our competitors have been trying
to cram before performing

the best demonstration of
the Swedish language

via a conversation with him.

Finally, it's everyone's favourite
period drama comedian,

it's Bridger ton Christie.

Hang on a sec.
You OK, Bridget?

Yeah, I'm just ringing my brother.

Are you now?

Hey, Jim.
All right?

I'm sorry to ring you
out of the blue.

I've got to talk to
a Swedish person.

Would you help me?

Absolutely. Thanks. I'm in Sweden
now, so no problem.

What shall I say?
Er...

Has there been any things
happening there?

You can just say...

Wha he de sen ahon na mi nenen.

Oh! What was that then, Jim?

Well, you asked him, "What's
happening with the Prime Minister?"

Er, because he's got a lack of
confidence vote against him today.

Oh! Erm...

So it's a very, very topical
question you put there, Bridge.

Well done.
What do you think I should ask next?

Is that a question or is it
a statement?

It's a question, yeah. Oh.

He said... That's definitely the
question to ask.

He said, "I've got no idea."

Shall we make it a bit lighter?

You could say...

He said, "Thanks very much and the
same to you."

Tack. Adjo.

Adjo. Tack.

Oh, bye-bye. Jimmy,
thank you so much.

Do you think it's fair?

Let's get this debate out of
the way with.

The actual wording is
"Best demonstration of the Swedish

"language wins."

And I guess she did demonstrate
the Swedish language.

It just wasn't from her mouth.

I thought it was quite
a clever thing to do,

bringing your brother in.

Well, it's quite clever to have
a brother who lives in Sweden

and has lived there.
And he's never available.

Shall we deal with
the lower-ranking numbers?

Yes, I think that's a good idea.

Right.

Hi, guys.

Are you hungfY?

Cos I've got a delicious point
for you. One point to Chris.

Yes. Now, the second between...

Hi, guys.

It's, it's much easier this
way, isn't it, Greg?

This is much easier
than I thought.

Here's your delicious two points.

Thank you.
Hungrig. Hungrig.

I actually thought that Sophie was,
had a great deal of potential

until she got bogged down into
a pregnancy narrative.

Right, so three to Sophie.
Three points.

So it's between the folk singer.

Erm, Ardal takes it.

OK. Yeah.

So, four to Bridget
and five to Ardal O'Hanlon.

Can I have the series scores?

Yeah, OK. Well, it's interesting.

Judi's at the bottom with 106,

Ardal's gone up a bit to 112,
and then it gets tight.

Chris is now in third place on 120,

Bridget 121, Sophie 127.

Ooh! Six points between the top two.

And in this episode, Judi on four,
Chris on four but, at the top,

it's Bridget with nine points.

And what have you got
for me now, my hairy chum?

Hello, it's your absolute favourite,
it's a really disgusting task.

Mm!

La—la—la—la—la—la—lab!

Back in the lab.
Here we are.

Aye — aye-aye, aye, —aye—aye.

I like this.
Yeah, well, they match your outfit.

Yeah.

Do you like everything?

Well, I,
I don't know what that is yet.

"Stick your tongue out
as far as it will go

"and keep it out until
further notice."

Thank you. OK, I'm going to read you
the next bit of the task.

Oh.
Please, can your tongue stay out?

Right. So, it's got to stay like
that now, Chris. Mm-hm.

I've got an abnormally
short tongue.

Is that really as far as it goes?

Mm! You're discriminating
against me.

I'm not, I'm just commenting on it.
No, you are.

Whoa. A big one.

Ahh.

Every time Alex blows his whistle,

you must lick the lemon,
then the sherbet,

then the ice lolly.
Uh—huh.

Every time Alex honks his horn,

you must hold your tongue in front
of the fan

for five seconds.

The tongue that sticks
out for the longest time wins.

Do you understand the task?

Uh-huh.

Awful.

Is that really how big your
tongue is?

Uh'.!

No such problem with Sophie.
Yours is, er, impressive.

Yeah?
Yep.

Basically, I'm saying one person's
got a tiny tongue,

one person's got a massive one.

Yeah. Let's, let's...
We're all different.

Let's get on with the task.
Yes. Although, before we do,

I do have to apologise
for this task.

If you don't like human spittle...

Oh, God.

Genuinely, it might be worth looking
away occasionally.

Yeah. Oh, my God.

Don't you dare look away.

Good luck, everyone.

Also, sorry to our first two,
Ardal and Judi.

Here you go.

The time starts now.

Mm!

How long do you think
the average tongue is, Judi?

Sherbet now, please.

Three inches.

Tongue out, please.

Then we're going to dry
the tongue out with the fan.

Yeah, back to the lemon.

Keep it out, please.

OK, good start.

Pardon? It's disgusting?

How long? Well, so far,
you've done four and half minutes.

It's longest time wins.

It's in, it's in!

Fuck this.

Well done, Judi.

Sorry for any mess that
I may have left.

Ah, it's only a little,
little pool at the bottom.

Incredible. Was this both of your,
your favourite task?

Erm...
I didn't mind it actually.

I mean, sherbet, lovely.
Lemon, lovely. Lollies, lovely.

Yep. I mean, I, I'm just proud of
myself that I could still

communicate with my tongue out.

Yes. Oh, the standard was wonderful.

Do you want to hear the nasal
communication now? Please, could we?

It was better than her Swedish.
Yeah.

Here we go.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

Yeah, it's crystal-clear, isn't it?
Crystal—clear.

OK. Unfortunately,
you do have to see more.

It doesn't get any better,
so here we go.

This time,
it's sorry to Bridget and Chris.

It's got to stay out.
Please, don't cover your tongue.

Just one lemon. Was that licking?
Mm—hm.

Was that licking?
Mm—hm.

That was licking.

When I blow the whistle, please.

How's it feeling?

Whenever you want, Bridget.

Mm, mm, mm.
Mm-hm?

Oh! Ah, now, I think it went in.

Mm.
It did go in, didn't it?

I am going to stop the clock.

Are you going to keep it in
or keep it out?

0h!

Nah, I'm done. I'm done.

Oh!

How do you feel?

Oh, just... ashamed mainly.

I mean, your attempt, Bridget,
put me in mind

of the film Turner And Hooch.

|'m... that's what I was going
for, yeah.

Chris, I just wanted to acknowledge
your technique,

which was the hummingbird dab.
Yes.

He wasn't taking
luxurious licks of lemons.

He dabbed, he moved on.

It did escalate severely
after about five minutes,

but, yeah, the start put him
in good stead,

and he is, at this stage,
the leader.

I'm not surprised. Yeah.

Because there... and there wasn't
much flob until later on,

but when it came, woohoo!

He looked like he was icing
a cake with it.

Don't try this at home.

Or at work. Don't try this.

Don't. No, none of us ever
want to see this again,

but I want to have a look
at Sophie's, obviously.

Mm. But first, we need a break.

You've just got time to go
and have an energy drink

with the weird guys down the park

and think about the impending
collapse of society.

Bye.

Hello, and welcome back
to Taskmaster,

where we're about
to be taken off air. Yes.

It's just a fascinating task
about the human tongue.

There have been four attempts
so far,

and in the break,
I gave each of them

the number for the Salivation Army.

Oh, God.

There's one almighty tongue left.

Step forward, and further apologies
to Sophie Duker.

Oh, God.

Ah-ha-ha.

How's that? Eh.

Oh, dear.

Oh, that's awful.

Eh-heh! Yeah, no, me, too.

Eeeeeerrrr!

We've reached the ten-minute mark.

Is the tongue tired yet?

Uh-huh.

Do you know how many muscles
you've got in your tongue?

Seven?

It's eight.

You can stop at any time. Eh-he. No?

It's quarter of an hour now.

Which is the worst one?

I'm not making you do this.

It's streaming out now.

Let's dry that up, shall we?

Thank you.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!
You're going to be sick?

No, I'm covered in spit.

You're covered in spit. Uh-huh.

Yes. Yes, you are.

Not going to be much lolly
left soon.

I think you may have... may
have finished.

Do you think you've finished? Mm-hm.

Yeah. Mm-hm-hm?

26 minutes.

How do you feel now?

I don't think I know who I am

if I'm not licking those things
any more.

Incredible work. Do you think?

I mean, it actually made me
physically gip.

Do you think Fredrik from Sweden's
going to call me back now?

No. I mean, she only really stopped
cos she finished the goods.

The lolly...

The goods were in a pile
on the floor

above a lake of flob. Yeah.

It's one of the most impressive,
useless talents I've ever seen.

Thank you so much. Well, look, the
points go according to the times.

It's very simple.
Judi, you showed grit

but you only get one point
for your five minutes.

Ardal, six minutes 40, two points.
Bridget, 12 minutes, three points.

Chris, 14 and a half minutes,
four points.

But with 26 minutes 20,
five points to Sophie Duker.

Please can we see anything else?

Course we can,

and as that door closes,
another one opens.

"Walk through this doorway
wearing the longest shoes

"and the biggest hat."

This door?

Yes.

It's not a very big door.

"You must open the door and walk
through this doorway,

"wearing your long shoes and big hat
within the next 20 minutes."

"Bonus point for the most stylish."

I mean, how am I supposed to know
what he considers stylish?

That's... that's annoying.

Your time starts now.

Well, I'm just going to go
and find a hat and some shoes.

Oh, OK.

Where, where will I find a big hat
and large shoes?

I don't know.

OK. You're no help.

Right, I don't think
there's anything in here.

I think it's quite stylish to be
in mourning. It really is.

It really is.

My sister went to Saint Martin's,
uh, fashion school.

She...| think she'd be really
pleased with that.

I need loads of shoes... Right.
..and loads of hats,

and I want to tape them all
together... Mm.

And then wear it and just pop
a little flower in there

and stuff like that. All right,
I'll gather some hats and shoes.

Yes, please. Where can I meet you?

I'll be relaxing, sitting down.

I just need a bit of help
getting into my new shoes.

Ah.

I take a lot of pride in the things
that I make.

Think it through.

Quite long, Ardal.
Yeah, they are long.

Actually, could you
push that in a bit?

I can't get it out of my hair,
though.

I might need a colander or something
on top of this.

God, you took a bit of a while,
didn't you?

I done my best.
I've got a bag of shoes. OK.

Can I hang them on the door?

Can you hang what on the door?
The shoes.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

But, you know, there were some
familiar things

for someone who's been watching
the whole series.

Judi, incredibly lazy,
getting you to do all the work.

Always. Sophie's obsession
with death.

Bridget working away,
baffling herself at one point

with her own question.

And Ardaljust silently
working away.

But I'm a bit confused. Yes.

Where was Chris?
It's a good question, Greg.

Well, it's an easy task, isn't it?

Make a big hat
and craft some long shoes.

It's an arts—and—crafts task
with endless possibilities.

And yet, here is Chris Ramsey.

Oh, this is a horrible caravan.

There's a hat,
but it's a regular size hat.

I'm not having that.
Right, I can go places, can't I?

You've had two minutes.

I can look other places.
OK, I get it.

Shed seems to be the first
natural point of call.

Yeah, if you want a hat.

Is that a clue?

Why's there no hats or shoes?

Ah, OK, here we go.

What was I doing?

Oh, God, how many hats
does one caravan need?

I don't understand.

All I've found is normal—size hats,

and I can easily go through it
with them,

but I haven't got long shoes —
I'm only a nine. Nine's all right.

I don't understand what's happening.

Oh, for God's sake.

There's no fucking shoes!

What size shoe are you, Alex?
I'm a ten.

That's longer than mine.
Can I have your shoes, please?

You can walk away now, Chris.

Thank God.

Good day.

I think there's a degree of style
in the cowboy hat.

"There's no fucking shoes."

"I don't understand
what's happening," times five.

So, you literally thought
the task was find a big hat? Yeah.

Yeah. And big shoes. Yeah.

Do you want to see some people
who actually did make long shoes

and big hats? Yes, please.

OK, well here is judi
with Ardal O'Hanlon.

Are they the right size?
Yeah, yeah, they're a good...

they're actually a good fit.

Ah!

Do you mind shutting the door
behind you?

Task complete. Task complete?
Yeah. Wah-hey!

Thanks, Ardal. Lovely
shoes-and-hat combination. OK.

Oh, hi, Judi. Hi.

You look nice. Thank you.

Are you worried about this wind?

Not really because it's classy.

Oh, course, yeah.

Thanks, Judi.

I bet no—one ain't designed
nothing like this.

Let's talk about the style,
cos I think that...

that Ardal really nailed
a certain style,

a period in time,

lost now,

where I think you went
for a broader approach to fashion.

I went for a kind of Vivienne
Westwood kind of look, you know.

All fashion. You looked like you'd
been kicked through a charity shop.

Eclectic. Eclectic individuality.
An eclectic style.

It's individual
because it's... everybody's style.

Exactly.

And again, what I do with my task
is bring harmony.

Truly the work of a madwoman.

It's the final ad break of the show,

and soon someone will take home
some worthless tat

and a lingering hollow feeling.

Hurry back.

Hello!

Here we are, back and ready
for the last part of the show.

Before the break, the comics
were trying to get through

a tiny door with the longest shoes
and the biggest hat.

There is also a bonus point
for the most stylish

shoe-and-hat combination.

Finally, it's Bridget and Sophie.

Ah.

I can't really see.

Ooh, they are long.

Oh, madam.

Uuuuuuuuh!

Oh, God.

Oh.

Whoa!

Ah.

Wow. What style. What grace.

Um, that's the most normal
I've seen you walk all series.

An intriguing character
that you conjured up.

Uh... Yeah... quite a small hat,
but man those were big feet.

Yeah.

The shoes were long with grief.

OK, well, look, here they all are.

I think you can see
the relative sizes fairly easy.

Oh, look at mine.
Look at mine.

If I have to score it visually,
then I...

I think it's the only way. OK.

So, whose is the smallest
of the shoe-hat combos?

Well, Chris. Good, right.

One point to Chris. Fine. Yeah.

And then, honestly,
we've got to say judi, yeah.

Two points to you, Judi. Yeah.

Whilst the, the shoe length
is impressive,

the hat length has been consumed
by grief, so Sophie would be next.

Right, Sophie gets three points.

And there's more length
to Bridget Christie.

Well, that is true factually, yes.

Well, that's what I'm going
to call it then.

It's five to Bridget, four to Ardal,
three to Sophie, two to Judi

and one to Chris at this stage.

Right, style.

Style point.

I'm thinking Ardal's gone
for quite a classic style,

and the stance is...

it's very Milan.

So I...| think that simplicity must
win the day,

and Ardal O'Hanlon takes it.

OK, there we go. So, it's one
bonus point to Ardal O'Hanlon.

Let's have a quick look
at the scores.

OK. Well, I'm afraid, Judi,
you are in last place again.

At the top, this time, we have
Bridget Christie with 17 points.

Right, up to the stage you go
for the final task of the show.

Who's going to read the task out?

Ardal O'Hanlon's going to read it
out. Table tennis' own.

Write down five things that fit the
category given by the Taskmaster.

Your team will receive a point,

if both players write down the same
thing.

Right. If someone from the other
team writes the same word as you,

that word must be wiped from the
boards

and the team with the most points
wins.

You have 30 seconds to write your
things

and must be silent and still
throughout.

Chris and Ardal, and two of the team
of three,

please, take your place on the
circles.

What's the first category, Greg?

Things with four legs that are
bigger than a rat.

OK, you have 30 seconds to write
five things, starting...

Things with four legs that are
bigger than a rat.

Nice and big with your writing,
please.

Please, stop writing.

OK, so, Ardal, first of all, your
five words.

Five entirely correct answers.

Right, Chris, did you have dog,
zebra, donkey, giraffe, elephant?

Show and tell. So, I had dog.
Lovely.

Elephant and donkey.

Pretty good.

Right, so, so far, three.

So far, three, but if anyone on the
other team has the same as them,

they have to be wiped from the
board. Oh. OK.

Are you all right, Judi? judi looks
nervous.

And, if you don't mind me saying,
with good reason.

OK, Sophie, please, show and tell.

I had donkey, dog, cat, Labrador...

and nice table.

Well, unfortunately, that means the
donkeys

and the dogs need to be wiped off,
as does the cat, Chris.

So, just to recap, at the moment,

the boys still have one point with
the elephant.

We're hoping that Judi's written
either Labrador or nice table

for Sophie's sake.

Judi, please, show us and tell us
what you've written.

Frog...

rabbit, dog, cat...

bird.

I guess, they could be classed as
legs.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there's special
birds in Jamaica.

Oh, them the four—legged Jamaican
bird. Yes. Yeah.

If I'm honest with you,
|'m...|'m back with frog still.

They're so much bigger than a rat, a
frog.

The Jamaican frogs are. Yeah.

She's right, you can get big arse
frogs but it's academic.

Wipe everything off. The boys have
one point, so far.

Are you ready? Category 2 — purple
things.

Yes, it's purple things. You have 30
seconds.

30 seconds...

Yeah, it's not a bad selection from
my view.

Purple things. Just think of all
the purple things you know.

Wow. Lovely stuff. OK, hello,
Ardal, again.

Please, tell me your five purple
things. OK.

Aubergine... Yes.

"Followed by plum. Yep.

Knob...

damson and one of the Tweenies.

Right.

The big five are there.

Yeah.

Chris, please, show and tell us your
five.

Ah, I got all the same ones.

No points yet.

Girls.

I wrote, blueberry.

Cos they're purple.

Blueberries are purple.

They're not blue.

They are. It's in the name.

Lavender.

Purple. Greg's face, sometimes.

Absolutely accurate.

Ribena, Parma Violets.

They're definitely purple.

Please, wipe Ribena from your
boards.

Bridget, what have you got?

Aubergine, rain...

Rain!

Wow, wow.

That is lovely.

Veins, plum and grape.

Oh, they're in sync but with the
wrong teams.

I'm afraid, again, it's zero points

and it stays 1-0 to the boys with
one round to go,

but you might as well clap them
anyway.

OK, it's the final round. Let's hear
the final category.

Things that are nice to put in your
mouth.

30 seconds starting...

Lovely selection of things
that I can see.

Stop.

Well, I think we're in
for a treat here, Greg.

Oh, we certainly are.

Hello, Ardal. Hi, again.
What are your five things

that are nice to put in your mouth?

Uh, yes, I started with thumb. Yeah.

Ice lolly. Mm, lovely.

Blanket.

Cigar. Hm.

And flute.

You pop it in, don't you?
Pop in the flute.

Pop that...

A blanket?

Well, they might not be funny.

Let's find out if Chris is in tune
with his team-mate.

Chris, what are your five things?

Lolly pop. Ooh.

And, uh, thumb. Huh! Thumb, OK.

So the boys... Thumb! ..the boys,
at the moment, have two points.

Two, lolly and thumb.

Three altogether at this stage,

but Judi has written some things.
Judi, what have you written?

I've put body parts...

food, air...

fingers and toes.

I think we're looking
at five points here.

Yeah, and the thing is, obviously,
I know fingers and toes,

but body parts is separate
to fingers and toes. Is it?

Yeah. How so?

Cos it's at the side
and at the bottom.

Body parts is in the middle.

Your fingers are at the side.

They need to get three of these
to draw, four to win.

Bridget, what have you got?

Custard,

fingers... Ooh. Hey! Yes.

Fish fingers,

uh, sweets.

And then I rubbed the last one out
cos I...|...|...

Penis? Yeah, it was that.
It was penis.

Yeah, I would sayjudi
also wiped out penis. What?

Yeah, they both had penis.
Yeah, I wrote penis as well.

So did I! I know. I was...

| was gagging to put it back.

There will be no points
for imagined words.

The game is done,
we'll add it all up,

we'll see how it's affected
the final scores.

Please come and join me.

Well done.

All right? Yeah. They were in sync
sort of.

Elephant, thumb, lolly,
and fingers over there,

so the score was 3-1.

I guess the boys win the task,
so they get five points. Yes.

How many points
do you want the ladies...?

Three on this occasion. OK.

So, it's three points to the girls,
five to the boys.

And that has affected the scores,
you won't be surprised to hear.

They've gone up.

Uh, Judi last place with ten points.

With twice as many points
at the top,

it's Bridget Christie
with 20 points!

What?

Bridget Christie wins!

How did that happen? Please head up
for your holdable haul.

Ooh!

So, what have we learnt today?

We've learnt it's not about
the size of the tongue,

it's about the quality of the flob.

It's not about the size of the hat,

it's about understanding
that you have to make a hat.

It's not about the museum tour,

it's about avoiding the man with
the table tennis bat above his head.

And finally,
birds do not have four legs.

We have to go now,
but tonight's winner

is the wonderful Bridget Christie!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media