Taskmaster (2015–…): Season 13, Episode 6 - Episode #13.6 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com

No way!

Er... Gosh!

Where's the hole?

Argh! Oh! Uuuurgh!

Are you having a laugh?




This program me contains strong
language and adult humour

Hello. I am Greg Davies.

I am the Taskmaster,
and this is Taskmaster.

It's been said that nothing in life
that's worth having is easy,

and yet I find it takes no effort
to get ready for this,

and I am one hot tamale.


Let's watch our less
fortunate guests...

..work for little reward.

They are Ardal O'Hanlon...

Bridget Christie...

Chris Ramsey...

judi Love...

and Sophie Duker.

And next to me, a man
whose only facial expression

is that of a baffled hare.

It's little Alex Horne.


Fact time? Yeah, I'm going
to tell you some things about me.

A couple of facts, and |'ve...|...
I think they're also jokes.


I support Liverpool Football Club.
Mm. Yeah.

I'm a die-hard fan.

So, there we go. I like both
Liverpool and the movie Die Hard.


And the other one —
Here are some things I don't like.

HE SIGHS Omelettes, orchids.

So, that's it —
Just omelettes or children.


Anyway, Prize Task time.

Yes, you bet your bloody life it is,

And this time they've been asked
to bring in the most calming item.

Ah. Ah. So chill right now.

The most calming item will
get its owner five points,

and at the end of the show,
the overall winner will take home

five calming items
and become all relaxed and floppy.


Bridget. Hello.
What makes you relaxed and floppy?

Um, I've brought in
a cat-cafe voucher.

Here's the voucher.


Dogs and cats are used
to help people

with post-traumatic stress order.

I heard a war surgeon talking
on Desert Island Discs explaining.

Keep it light.


He went to meet the queen,
and she said, "I can help you."

She called the corgis and got him
to stroke them,

and he was absolutely fine.

Oh. Make a point, uh...

No, no, no, I haven't finished yet.

CHRIS: Love it.

Hang on, cos I know what
you're going to say.

"But it's not a cat. It was a dog."


Well, I've been to a cat cafe,
and it didn't relax me.

It's probably my own fault
for bringing my pet budgie

and my pet goldfish with me.

Right, I'm going to move on.

Judi, what thing have you brought in

that would make me relaxed
and floppy?

I brought a lovely
fish water fountain. Here it is.

It looks pretty stressful
for the fish.

And the fish aren't real.

No, it's relaxing.

And you can lie at night-time

and listen to the water
trickling along.

Could you try and recreate
the sounds that you would hear?

♪ Grrr—ah—grrr... ♪

♪ Ha—rrrrrrrr—ah... ♪

Oh, the fish are gargling,
are they? Yes.


♪ Brrrrrrrrr—rrrrrrrrr. ♪

It makes me more relaxed
than the idea of a war vet

stroking one of the queen's corgis.
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

LAUGHTER Two down, Greg.

Uh, I brought in, a tea towel.


Here is the tea towel.


Instantly calming.

Well, here's the thing.

I sort of do find tea towels
quite calming.

But why do you find it calming?

Well, it's like a little... a little
comfy blanky.


It's also great if you want
to make a baby laugh,

which is very relaxing.

As we all know, sound of babies'
laughter is probably the most

beautiful sound known
to human people. Mm. It is nice.

And all you need is a tea towel

and a baby, obviously, but...


You know.


And it works brilliantly every time.


I have brought an aquarium. Ooh.

Mm. Here is the aquarium from Chris.

So, this is just
a visual representation

of the aquarium,
but the one I'm offering you

is the one from my home,
which is 64 litres.


Give me some stats.

No, it is.

64 litres. I think it's 30—odd
fish points.

Fish points? Certain-size aquariums
have got certain-size points.

Certain amount of points, and each
fish is worth a couple of points.

What'll do it for me,

cos you did a very nice
impression of yours,

perhaps Chris could reproduce
the sound that his makes.




Right, good. Stop.
I'll just imagine Bridget's.

Meow! Yah! Aaaargh!

All right, good. Sophie, hello.

Can you give something
that's actually relaxing?

I've brought
an access—all—areas massager.

And here... Ooh! ..it is.

Yeah. Oh!


So, this is a... it's a personal
massager. Uh-huh. I know what it is.

I've named... OK.

Um, and I just think, like,
muscles get tired. Mm.

People get het-up. Yeah?
So, so you need vibrations. Mm.

For your back, for your cheek...

Or anywhere else you can think of.

Right. Well, there we go.
We've seen all five. OK.

Forgive me, Bridget. The cat cafe,
I did not find in any way relaxing.

OK, so one point to Bridget.

Um, secondly, judi's rubbish
plastic, uh, fish fountain.

OK. Two points to you, Judi.

♪ Brrrrrrrrr-rg. ♪

I'm going to give the sex aid
three points. OK,

I think you should ask the women in
here if they would find it relaxing.


I'm as surprised as you
that I found

a dildo less relaxing
than a tea towel.

I'm surprised... surprised as you.

As I haven't seen Chris's fish tank,

I have to take his word
that it's relaxing

and he's getting four points
just on his description.

But I am actually going to give
a tea towel five points.


And that's an end to it.

OK, five points to Ardal O'Hanlon.
Well done.

Let's get the first task started,
please, Alex.

OK then, Greg. And we're off
to the Taskmaster house,

where things are not
as "cement" to be.



Do you want it to stop? No.


Use the cement mixer for something
other than mixing cement.

Best use of a cement mixer,
other than mixing cement, wins.

Your time starts when Alex does
an impression of you.

I'm Chris Ramsey.


Time hasn't started yet then.

I'm af...|'m afraid it has.

Where are you from? Gloucester.

Taskmaster. Are you joking?

Hi, babes.


OK, well, that is so me.

I haven't thought about this one.


Oh. Thanks a million.

OK. And, and we're off.
OK. Right.

I'm furious.

Are you? Yeah.

Why? Because you're not doing
an impression of me.

I'm going to do an impression
of you. I'm building up to it. OK.

But you're finding it really hard.

Pretend you went to like an
all girls school. Ah, I can do this.

See? Hello, hun.

Wow. OK, so are you, like, going
to play, like, lacrosse?

OK, give me a lacrosse stick.
Do you know how to play lacrosse?

Yes. OK.

I'm Sophie Duker.


Shall we give you a second chance
with your Sophie impression?

No, I don't think so.

I mean, it was pathetic. Yes.
Yeah. Well, I can't do impressions.

You did everyone else.
You did four impressions.

Did everyone else fine,
and they all knew it was them,

and then when it came to Sophie,
you went, "Oh—ho, hello."

"I'm a girl." Yeah.

Speak a little bit
so he can have another go. OK.

Yeah, this is me. OK. Ooh. Ooh.
Ooh, yeah, this is me speaking.

Yeah, this is me speaking. Yeah.

I can't do impressions. What?
I can't do it. I can't do it.

Ah. It's quite here in the voice.

Quite nasal? Yeah.
Is this a compliment?



Think we should get on.
Let's get on. OK. Get on.

Let's start with two
very different approaches

from two very similar people.

It's Ardal and Judi. Here we go.

So, this is my salon.

You've been to the hairdresser.

They wash your hair,
they don't do a good job.

They leave shampoo in it.

And I feel that this will
give everything

a really, really good churn.

I think it will thoroughly
clean the hair.


Hello, hello, hello.

I'd like a drink, please.
You want some juice of Love?

Love juice? Yes, please.


I mean, ideally you would have
the cement mixer plumbed.

Plumbed? But we didn't really
have time to do that,

so we're going to do it
the old—fashioned way.

So, Linda, if you don't mind,
I'm going to, yeah, just put...


Get that a bit closer.

Ah, she's complete... she's in.
She's in.

It's a lovely atmosphere
in the Love Bar.

What? It's a lovely atmosphere.


I'm just going to shampoo it
with the best shampoo I could find.

And is Linda... Linda's happy,
is she? She is happy, yeah. Yeah.




Woo! Woo!

This is what gives it
that Love juice,

cos it's got my nails in it. Mm.

Cherry on the side. Lovely.

All right, Linda. Here we go.


This is all... this is all part
of the... part of the plan.

So, hair reunited with Linda.

There you go, babes. Well,
thank you very much.

Thank you. How much do I owe you?

17 quid each.

£34? Yeah.

It's like a normal London bar,

So, now I'm just going to put
a tiny colour in it.

Oh, lovely.

OK. There we go.


Well, I think we can deal
with judi's quite quickly.

She tossed a few drinks
into a cement mixer,

poured it out,
and made you drink it.

How, was it?


That's not what you said.
No, because you were there.

That's not what you...

Well... I was scared. Look...
..I'm here now.

But I'm next to my big man.


You won that argument,

Look, come on, you know
what this world is like.

Anything and everything can be
a bar.

I could imagine a bar like
that. Yeah.

It is a sort of... You could imagine
some prick...

Of course! In Shore ditch or
somewhere like that.

Some prick coming up with it, yeah.
Know what I mean?

Oh, welcome to the Cement Mixer
Bar. Fuck. This is what I'm...

Fuck you, you hipster pricks.

Top idea.

Ardal, what was
the blue stuff you sprayed in

the client's hair afterwards?

That was, like, one
of those Frubes.

Why did you put a Frube in her hair?

Is a question I never thought
I'd ask anyone.

She wanted a colour, so I

picked the nearest, like, colour
that I thought she'd like.

Probably needs a little

I'm so sorry to bring the mood down,

but we need to fuel this madness via
consumerism now.

That's the end of part one!

Hello! Here we are again.

It's part two, and it's time
for some more cement mixer action.

Yes, but that action cannot under
any circumstances involve cement

mixing, OK? I'm deadly
serious, guys,

and that's because the best use
for a cement mixer,

other than for mixing cement,
wins the task.

We've seen two people's attempts.

Now we're going to see two other
people's attempts.

It's Bridget and Sophie.

Even though we've been working
together for

a certain amount of time,

we don't really know or like
each other very much.

Pardon? So, I thought that a good
way to counteract that,

I've put together some ice—breakers.

They're going to be mixed around by
the cement mixer,

and then we can find out
a little bit more about you.

Right, shall I give it a mix?


Around it goes.


What are we doing to our planet?

We've only got one.

Stop ruining it.

Isn't that a horrible...?

It's come out. Oh, OK!
All right.

It's self—selected something.

Blue. It's a compliment.


"You have kind eyes."

Thank you.

Right. Well, that was machine.
Can we have another go?

Yeah. OK.

Elon Musk,

stop sending your cars
and stuff up into space.

It's not what space is for.

Just keep them on your drive.

I've got a compliment and a

Ah, right.

"You smell familiar."


Yeah, thank you. Yeah.

Which previous Taskmaster contestant
would you raise as your own child?

Hugh Dennis. Great.

And all the bottles in the seas
and in all the fields

and gardens, stop it!

"Why don't you believe in yourself?"

Good news?

"You're going to die.

"Sooner than you think."

Ah. Yeah.

Well, I was thinking 2050?

No! No. No, you're
going to be long dead before then.

Hmm. I liked the first couple.

Yeah. OK.


Believe in yourself.

Should I tell you what I saw?

I saw a lunatic dressed as
a cowboy playing one note on

a violin.

Talk me through the rhyming scheme.

Was there a rhyme?


So, she did try to use

the cement mixer as
a musical instrument...

Yeah... and a metaphor.

I think you'll find that that's

going to be a cult number one hit.

Oh, God!

I don't think you can have
a cult number one hit.

Anyway, let's you off the hook a

Yeah. I mean, what,
yours was just mad.

I just think there's not enough
space for tenderness on this show.


"You're going to die soon?"

We're all going to die soon.

What a weird collection!

"Which contestant would you make
your child?"

"Why don't you believe in yourself?"
It's just insane.

I mean, it's not as insane as
someone plucking on a violin

and saying "stop it".

Who's left?

There is just one little sausage
left, and it's Christopher Ramsey.


Welcome to the sausage arena.

Thank you.

Your sausage is on the red stick
and ribbon.

My sausage is on the blue stick
and ribbon.

Matching with the headbands that
I've made.

Now, the first person to swallow

a piece of their sausage,
and only their sausage,


Goggles on.

You ready? Are you set?

I'm set.

Spin those sausages.


Oh, my God! Oh, my God!


I'm too scared.



Ahh! Does it hurt?

No, it's OK. It's OK.

It's so fast.

It's so much faster than
I thought it would be.


Oh, God!

Oh, no, I've lost it!

Why can't I get it?

I swallowed some sausage.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't
want to play sausage mixer.

It was like a roller-coaster
with the sausages coming at you.

So, for, like...

Rarely have I seen
a sausage go from still

to accelerating that fast.

Yeah, well, I've Googled it.

I don't think anyone has ever done
that before. I can't...

Of course they haven't.

This is what I think I've got to do.

I've got to draw a gulf between
the greatest idea...

Mm-hm... and the others.

Oh. So, I'm going to give Ardal
and Sophie one point.

Oh, that's nice. Yeah.

Cos it's a very worthy cause
and powerful message,

I'm going to give Bridget
two points.

I'm going to give judi,

because she's a great saleswoman

and I could imagine some bell end in

East London doing that,
three points.

Then I'm leaving a gulf,

and then I'm giving

the sausage machine
the five points it truly deserves.


OK, thank you very much.

So, may we see a scoreboard, please?

Bridget is at the bottom of
the leader board with three.

Chris is at the top
with nine points.

Ooh. There it is.

Then let us have another one.

Yes, and there's something strange
afoot in our little garden dome.

Yes, Sophie.

Hey. Hello.

You may enter the fun zone.

Ooh, thank you.

Very echoey.


Thank you. That's enough.


OK. "Record the highest number on
this pedometer."

"You have 20 minutes."

"Your time starts now."

I'm presuming this is
the pedometer and not that.

OK, firstly, what is a pedometer?

So, a pedometer counts your steps.


Do I have to do it in here?

All the information's on
the task, Chris.

You've not seen
a pedometer before, no?

No... no, I didn't.
I never want to see one again.

Have you never heard of
a pedometer?

No, I've got, like, the watch
and stuff.

I'm not used to
the old techy stuff.

So, you're not used to
the old techy stuff,

and you're not used to
the new techy stuff?

I get carried everywhere.

Let's crack on. OK, well, it's a
fairly classic Taskmaster task.

I think first up, it's the basic
guys, Ardal and Chris.

So, I need to find something that
takes a lot of steps.

I could put the pedometer on
the foot—shaped thing.


Come on, man!

It is warm in here.

Ooh, it burns.

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's so hot!

I mean,
I just can't wait to see the others.

Like, they're just going to be
running around like fools.

Ooh, this is horrible!

Hmm, maybe I'll just pop out here.

It doesn't say on there that
I've got to stay in here.

I cannot stay in here.


Ooh, that...
I don't know why I did that!

No, that was your choice.

And if I do this, is that better?

Do you think you're taking more or
fewer steps?

I'm going to check now. OK.

Oh, that's quite good.

Like your... Like a yoyo.

That helps.

What's it on now?

It's 172.

Is there a limit on this?

It doesn't go beyond
a certain number.

I think it'll go beyond 172.

It's 200 probably.

Come on!

Absolutely dripping.





Ooh, look at that!

I'm worried about your health.

Ooh, thank you so much!

It was so hot.

Chris, why did you commit to
the system that you chose?

Walking around,
I feel I would've been more tired.

I don't... I think...

I would've had to have been, like,
sprinting on the spot,

whereas I've only...
I was only moving my hand.

Give me some stats
for Chris's loose wrist system.

Yeah. Well, the loose wrist system
was very clever.

He actually managed to do 2,789
steps in just 20 minutes,

which is very impressive. Wow.

So, about a mile
and a third in 20 minutes.

Ooh, Chris,
you're getting on my nerves.

Ardal... Yes?

Interesting decision to use

a wooden foot only in that you have
a real foot.

I have a real foot. I mean,

I didn't want to run around in
the heat.

I feel I've done the world

a service by showing that you can
get your steps in every day without

actually having to move.

He'd only done 172 after
ten minutes,

but he sped up.
He got to 1,084 steps. Respectable.

So, he managed to get past
the 200 limit.


We've seen a lot.
Let's have a break.

If your partner's fallen asleep

and is snoring next to you,
why not have a bit of fun...

and leave them?

We'll see you after the break.

Hello there, and welcome back
to Taskmaster!

What was happening before
the break, Alex?

There's a task in play in which
they're trying to record

the highest number on
the pedometer provided.

We've had the root one masters,
Ardal and Chris.

Now for some alternative step-making
with Judi and Sophie.

What can I strap this to?

A bike.

No, but then I've got to ride it.


Do you have a WY“?


Can I get a drill, please?

I'll get you a drill.

That's not helping!



A dog. Can you get me
a little puppy?

Put it on the puppy,
the puppy can run up and down.

I can get you a rat.

I don't want a... A rat?
What kind of rat?

A remote control rat.


This is so much better.

Oh, shit.

Ah! No!

That's it, that's it. Just go round,
just keep going round... Oh...



Wheels go up and down.

Oh, that was so much cooler in
my head.

Ten seconds.




That's a really hard task,
that was.

Yeah. Thanks, Judi.



I can't believe I got

Well, I'm amazed you got that many,
to be honest.

Cos for the vast majority of it,

you just put it on the back of
a remote control car,

where it would've gotten no steps...

Uh... because it's a car.

I think that was a set-up.

It was Alex that told me
I've got you a remote control.

Well, you kept asking for a dog,
and I offered you a rat.

So, look what I was asking
for — a dog that actually steps.


Another conspiracy theory.

Sophie's ideas were
a little more successful.

You saw from the prize task,
I love power tools. I got a drill.

Did that drill work when it was
whizzing around?

Yes... Yes. Did that add?

Yeah, she got into the thousands.
You got into the thousands?

What did judi get?


Sophie, 1,209.

And she didn't expend as much
energy as Chris.

And she looked cool and powerful

That's what she said.

Oh, that's what she said?

480... Yeah.

I am so pissed off.

You used a remote control rat.

One left, Greg.
One left, let's go.

Finally, it's Bridget.
All by herself.

Whoopsie, oh, no.

It's not moving.

Well, you haven't taken any steps.

I have. I just did some.

Do you think you're stepping?

I am stepping. Look.

Step. Step, step,
step. That is a step.

Well, you're not going very
far forward.

I don't want to do this
for 20 minutes.

Try going forward.


But you're keeping very still.

What do you mean?

What, I've got to move around like

No, I think you just got to take...

It's still on 84.

But you haven't taken any
normal steps.

Oh, my God!

That's it.

Oh. So, what I'm
going to do is record

the biggest number that

I know whilst on this pedometer.


I'm looking forward to this number.
Are you writing it down?

I don't need to write it down. OK.

Because you're recording it.

A trillion gazillion.

Have you thought of 2 trillion
gazillions? Are you stopping there?

11 trillion gazillion.


How much longer is left?

You're not wearing it.

I don't need it
because I've got the number.

OK, 139.

If you say it's 139,
I'm... You're going to...

I'm... I don't mind, actually.

I'm just really happy in life.
I don't mind.

Thank you, Bridget.

It's not a question I expected
to ask after this task,

but have you ever walked?

If I walked normally,
it wouldn't count.

That's cos you were holding it.
You were holding it.

What do you mean if you walked
normally it wouldn't count?

If I just did that, it wouldn't...
How do you know?

But if I did that, then...
You didn't do that at any point.

You just did this.

At no point did you attempt
to walk.

I did. And you were getting
exasperated with him.

"Oh, I suppose I should walk like
this, then."

Fascinating, Bridget.

Well, I did record the most
amount of steps on a pedometer.

And it wasn't even about steps.

The task itself was, "Record the
highest number on this pedometer."

She was on the pedometer, and she
recorded 11 trillion gazillion.

That's a very high number.

11 trillion is a number.
Gazillion, not so much.

But it is a high number.

And was she on a pedometer at
the time?

Yes. Oh, my God.


So there's some quite
contrasting numbers.


We go from Judi with 483,
Ardal about 1,000,

Sophie 1,200, Chris 2,789,

Bridget's either 11 trillion
gazillion or 139.

I mean, fair play.
I think she has done it.

Oh, my God. I think...

I think I'm going to have to, uh,
allow it,

and it's very clever
lateral thinking.

But I would remind you
of how she walks day to day.

If it gives you a little lift.

I got beaten by someone recording
a number on...

No, you got beaten by everyone.


So it's one point to Judi,
two to Ardal,

three to Sophie, four to Chris,
and five to Bridget Christie.

There it is!

What is next, my furry chum?

Thank you. We have a task which
involves all 40 contestants.

You look very comfortable.

Well, I don't feel
very comfortable.

Hold a meeting with yourselves.

There must be eight of you at
the meeting.

Most dramatic meeting moment wins.

You have 20 minutes,
your time starts now.

Right, so seven other mes.

What sort of meeting do you think
you might do?

I think I'll have a meeting of
the tennis club.

Are they quite dramatic?

This one's going to be
very dramatic.

What I instantly thought
of was, like, your death.

My death? Mm—hm. Right.


Pretty straightforward. Meetings
with a dramatic moment in them.

Yes. And one of them will result in
your death.

Yes, second time in the show.

Couldn't be happier?
There's quite a nasty...

It wasn't cos I, like, wanted him
to die.

I just thought what would be the
saddest, most dramatic thing

to happen to the show?
Ooh. OK, that's better.

Nah, it'd just be collateral damage.
Let's crack on.

OK, well, let's crack on with some
Chris Ramseys.

This is his meeting moment.

So, I'm sure you all know why
we're here.

Some chocolate has been stolen,
and it was one of you greedy pricks.

We're going to find out who.

I don't like to point fingers

and I don't agree with any of this,
and I'm not going to rat anyone out.

It's just not my style.

Oh, if there was something in this,
I'd throw it at you.

Chris, you've been very quiet.


What's all this?


Mm. See?

Have I got any chocolate on my face?


I'm not... Genuinely not sure
what the dramatic moment was.

Aw. All of it.

There may not have been an
especially dramatic moment in it,

but there was some rather quality
acting. Can you show the clip?

Yeah, OK, here's some acting
from Chris.

Oh, God.


You've never met Carl,
but that's bang on.

There was a start, there was a group
of different characters,

there was some of the greatest
acting you'll see on a screen

this year, so it wasn't a
complete disaster.

I can't say there was especially
high drama.

I don't know... Why's it still on?

Let's crack on, who's next?
OK, the bar is set.

We're now going to see
a few Bridgets. Here we go.

Glutinous? Yeah.
Guilty? Yeah.


Annoyingly self-deprecating?
Overly sensitive?



Great. Thanks for coming, guys, very
brave and honest of you. Good work.


just have two biscuits
and then put the packet back.

Guilty, Catholic,
I'm afraid I can't help you there.

Scared, you know what,
what's the worst that can happen?

Just do it. Overly sensitive,
you know what,

be sensitive. Uh, just not overly.

Annoyingly self-deprecating,

you've got to stop this cos it
annoys everybody.

Some things you've done have been
all right.

Vain, you'd think now, by 50,

you would've got on top of this.

Just... That's... You can't change
it now.


But thanks for coming everyone,
though. Really, I don't

want to get rid of any
of you cos you make me me.

Just try
and get on top of it a little bit.


It's certainly very clever idea
to... Mm... look inwardly

and to consider the many facets
of your own character.

Uh, the only dramatic moment in it,
as far as I could work out,

was when a bird flew past the camp.


There was... I think what I did
was I didn't...

I should've overacted, uh...

Oh, the mistake you made was
that you didn't do the task.

Yeah. Yeah.

Who's next?

Next we're going to see
the impressionist Sophie Duker.

Good luck, everyone.


Dog! Right,
we all know why we're here.

Because my worthless assistant,
little Alex Horne, is dead.

SCOTTISH ACCENT: Oh, no, I cannae
believe it.


Yes, murdered. So who did it?

Babe, not me.

I definitely didn't do it.

Oh, all right, I killed
your assistant.

But only because he was so annoying.

Bridget, Bridget, Bridget,

you have killed the
Taskmaster's assistant,

and in so doing,

you have proved yourself worthy
to be

the next Taskmaster's assistant.

Take this clipboard and this pen.

And welcome to Taskmaster.



Is that... Is that OK?

Yeah, good. Wow.

Some lovely character work.

Chris Ramsey... Mm.
Nailed it.

Absolutely spot-on.

And the moment of high drama?

Uh, when, uh,

Bridget caught the clipboard.

An aerial passage of power...
Yeah... of Taskmaster...

There was an aerial passage of
powers... to the new TMA.

First place so far?

Oh, God, yeah. OK. Good stuff.

Don't worry, everybody, there's only
one part left until somebody has

to celebrate on stage with
Ardal O'Hanlon's tea towel.

Are you not entertained?
See you after the break.


Hello, welcome back for
the final time this episode.

Before the break, our cast were all
having meetings with themselves.

Yes, there had to be eight
of themselves in the meeting

and the most dramatic meeting
moment wins.

We're off to the tennis club now
with Ardal O'Hanlon.


OK, settle down. As chairman,

I'd like to call this meeting
to order.

Before we go any further, chairman,

some gob shite's blocking
the Bentley.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
That's me. Excuse me.

Uh, I just want to say, chairman,
the greens are in a terrible state.

I'm sorry. This is the tennis club.

Oh, tennis club, I shouldn't be
here. Silly me.

Well, well, good riddance.
Your backhand was terrible.

Well, Mr Chairman, I think it's time
I revealed my true identity.

I'm an undercover police officer.

And I'm arresting you
for embezzlement and murder.

More importantly,
I'm resigning from the club.


Wow. Dramatic.

Crazy drama. A lot going on.

It seems that embezzlement was
a far bigger crime than murder.

Embezzlement! And murder. Yeah.

It's extra drama. Little bit extra.

Who was the character
that was crying?

That was the...

That was the treasurer because...



Very good. Yeah, there was a golf
player in the wrong club.

I was excited by that. Oh, my God.
Someone had to move the Bentley.

Was he doing the wrong sport? Yeah.
I almost spat my tea. Who's next?

All right, there's only one left.

Finally, it must be Love.
Here she is.

Um, some of us have joined
this meeting

because we've got a bit of
an issue with Billy.

Um, Mrs Mitch am,
do you want to lead?

I mean, Billy is an absolute twit.

Excuse me, I'm not happy about you
speaking bout my husband like this.

Oi, Siobhan! You're calling me
a twit,

but I bet you didn't tell him
you're having my baby.

I knew it. I knew it, cos I saw
them the other day.

Remember when I phoned you the other
day, you're sitting there all quiet

and recording, but I saw you the
other day,

and I was telling you that I
saw him.

And her.

Billy, no!


Wow. Bag of dramas.

Bags of drama.

Affairs, stealing people's
men, gossiping.

Was there a troublesome child?

The troublesome child is in
the belly.

I mean, with that, you'd want to see
what happens next, wouldn't you?



All right, do you want to go from
least dramatic to most dramatic?

I do. Sorry, Bridget, I really
enjoyed your self-analysis,

but there wasn't a lot of drama
in it,

so I can only give you one point.
Right. OK.

Chris, that's one of the greatest
acting performances

I've ever seen in my life. You take
that home with you tonight.

Plus two points. Two points.

Um, there was one moment
of high drama in it,

and I very much liked it,

and I enjoyed the image
of you being hurt. Oh.

Sophie gets three points.

Sophie three, OK,
so it's between Judi and Ardal.

Just because of the sheer stoking
of hysteria thatjudi pulled off,

I think I'm going to give her
the five.

Oh, my God!

Judi's won a task.
Five points to Judi Love.



Let's have a quick look at
the scores.

Of course. Well, Ardal's now in
second place with 12,

but Chris is still in the lead
with 15 points.


OK, everyone, please, for a change,

stay where you are for
the final task of the show.


Who will read the task?

I've hidden the task under one
of their chairs.

Chris's chair.

He's acting.

He's there. Now, that's acting.
That's acting.

"Correctly guess this person's
first name.

"You must ask a yes or
a no question on your turn.

"If you take more than ten seconds
to ask your question,

"you miss a go. The person who
guesses correctly wins five points."

Simple as that. So there's only one
winner of this one.

We're going to start with Ardal,
move down the line.




Ardal, your ten seconds start now.

Are you a French trapeze artist?


I mean, what sort of fucking
opener was that?


Bridget. ls your name Andrew?


God Almighty.


Chris, your turn.

Does your name begin with a vowel?


Thanks, Chris.


Has one of the royals got your name?

No. Damn it.


Is your name longer than four
letters long?

Yes. Good question.

OK. Ardal.

Does your name begin with a letter
that starts after K?



Bridget. ls your name

No. Chris.

Does your name begin with an S?


Judi. ls your name Pimpernickel?



Is your name more than
three syllables?


Ardal. Does your name begin with any
of the last five letters

of the alphabet? No.

Oh. Ah, nice. Good.

OK, we're making progress.

Q. R, S, T...

Bridget. ls your name embarrassing?

No. Chris.

Is your name Luigi?

No. judi.

Is your name Quantum?

ALEX: She's pointing.

Is your name Quantum?


Sophie. Do you think it's likely
there's someone else

in this room with your name? No.

For those of you wondering,
the answer is, yep,

we're staying here till we get it.



Sportsperson? Leonardo.

German? Famous in the UK?

Xavier. Barrick. Tiger.

Obama. Double letters in it?

A verb? Zebedee?

Begin with an O? Shakespeare?

End with a vowel? No.

Is your name Maximus? Vlad?
Ludwig. German?

No. No. No. No.

Listen, it's not up to me,
but I would suggest

it would be a good thing to do to
find out

which letter his name begins with.


Uh, it, yeah, does it be...

Does your letter...

Does your name begin with...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!


OK, let's go again. Bridget.

M? No.

Thank you. I? No.

N? No.

Q? Yes.

Now, listen, this is a genuine
chance for Ardal here.

Is your name Quinney?

No. Shit.

Bridget. Quasimodo.


Chris. Quantus.


Judi. Quiz. No.

It's not Quiz.

And just, by the way,
this is the 75th question.


Is your name Quentin?



So, five points, finally, to Sophie.


Thank you to Quentin.
Your task is complete.


How has that affected
the final scores, Alex?

Well, that swift game of
Guess The Name

meant that Sophie leapt up in
the places

and she's now in joint first place
with Chris Ramsey.


Exciting. A tie-breaker.

There is a tie-breaker, and for this
one, they had to sing "I've won"

in a low voice, and then "this
tie—break" in a high voice.

Greatest vocal range wins.

Here's how they got on.


See, I'm a Geordie, so when I get
angry, high goes...

HIGH PITCH: high when I get angry.

Ahh. Ah.

0K, OK.


DEEP VOICE: ♪ I've... ♪

DEEP VOICE: ♪ Won... ♪

HIGH VOICE: ♪ This... ♪

HIGH VOICE: ♪ Tie—break. ♪



Thank you, Chris.

Manage to get that furball
out eventually?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, just...

Well, they both did very well.

Chris went from an F2 to an F5.
That's 21 notes.

Sophie from an A2 to an E6.

As we all know, that's 25 notes.


Sophie Duker wins.

Please head up to coolly
collect your calming items.



So what have we learnt today?

We've learnt that you've go
to look after yourself,

take care to look after you.

Get out there, exercise.

Actually, that reminds me, I'm still
ten steps short of my target

for today, so if you don't mind...


And now for some celebrations with
tonight's winner, Sophie Duker.


Subtitles by Red Bee Media